


Say You Won’t Let Go

by MatthewsMary



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: F/M, London, Matthew Mary, downton - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 22:02:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 81
Words: 186,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17691905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatthewsMary/pseuds/MatthewsMary
Summary: Set in Modern Day London, Mary is married to Richard Carlisle and they live in the heart of London, only visiting Haxby on holiday. Matthew now owns a major London based law office, though still resides on Downton Abbey. After a run in at a Downton harvest party, Matthew has his suspicions on Richard's treatment of her. Will he fight to get his first love back?





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:

I do not own Matthew, Mary or any of the Characters of Downton Abbey. Sad, right?

Summary: Set in Modern Day London, Mary is married to Richard Carlisle and they live in the heart of London, only visiting Haxby on holiday. Matthew now owns a major London based law office, though still resides on Downton Abbey. Lavinia is still dead, however she died from the flu. After a run in at a Downton harvest party, Matthew has his suspicions on Richard's treatment of Mary. Warning: Occasional violence and smut. Not at the same time. Also you will read about several Downton characters including sweet Anna, but she takes on more of a close friend role.

The weather in London was getting a bit chilly as Mary sat in a stiff emerald tufted velvet chair, holding a cup of tea close to her heart. She looked out at the London street, noticing a man walk by with his small puppy as the leaves became less and less green, slowly falling away from the trees. It wasn't an unusual site to see in London, but she was finding herself fascinated by the people living their lives outside of her window while she sipped away at the tea. Richard was in the office early that morning, leaving her some much needed alone time. While he spent most of his time in the office, those moments that he made it home or they made their way out on the town, she felt like she was drowning. She was stuck under water and he was holding her there. He exhausted her and yet he seemed to love her. He claimed to love her. He promised her that he loved her when things got...he just promised. Everything he did was out of love. Every yell and moment of shouting, he said he did it when it was good for her. It was his way of fighting he promised.

She took another sip of her tea, lowering the cup to see how much was left, ignoring her aching arm. She would need another cup, but it could wait another minute. As she watched the man cross the street, she heard her phone buzz. She laughed quietly as she looked at the text Tom. The brother in law of her late baby sister had a wicked sense of humor and never failed to make her laugh. It was a text asking her to make up her mind about appearing at her family's estate at Downton Abbey. The family was hosting a party to celebrate the harvest and it had been a little over a year since she had returned home. It was tempting to drop everything and just go now, even though it was two weeks away and she had a function to attend with her husband that evening. Mary was a society girl and had grown up knowing her role would be that of wife and entertainer, even arm candy at times. However, this life, wasn't one she imagined. When she left Downton, she thought she would be close by but Richard Carlisle wasn't a fan of her being so close to the people she came from. Well not the people, just one person who meant a lot to her. He was easily intimidated, though he would never admit it. One day she thought, he wouldn't question her so much. Instead they argued most nights, some being so intense she wondered when the environment would lighten up. She looked at the time on her phone, immediately hearing the side door of the house opening from the garage. She smiled lightly. Anna.

"Mary!" A petite blonde walked down the hallway of the home. For years, Anna tended to Mary's every need. Then when she married Richard Carlisle, Anna made the choice to stay on at Downton Abbey with her husband, John Bates. She walked into the large kitchen carrying several garment bags and a large tote. "Sorry I am running late. The train was total chaos and then I stopped at Harrods for your shoes and well, that line was outrageous."

"Not a worry." Mary smiled wide for the first time in weeks. Anna would come help her get things in order at least once a month and help make sure she was ready for any major functions. The rest of the time, Mary went on without an assistant or as they would say in her Grandmother's day, a lady's maid. "How are you?"

"Very well." Anna smiled, straightening up her black blazer. "Mr. Bates is in Germany with your father. They return Monday."

"I heard Papa was in Germany, although I am not sure why he decided to drag Bates there for some boring sporting event."

"John was hardly complaining." Anna giggled, walking over to the cabinets. "The dress for tonight is ready to go, but since we have several hours before we must get you ready, what else can we accomplish. Shoe rack? Dishes? Do we need to move furniture? Are we doing a whole Marie Kondo thing?"

"Oh Anna, don't you know sometimes I just want to catch up?" Mary laughed weakly, leaning against her marble counter tops.

"Linen closet?" Anna laughed, reaching for the kettle on the stove.

"Sure." Mary opened the cupboard, reaching for a second mug for Anna. "May as well have a bit of fuel."

"Of course." Anna reached for a canister of tea. "So when is Sir Richard due home?"

"He's not. I am to meet him at the Ritz before seven." Mary reached for her phone, checking to see if her husband had sent any other instructions. "He doesn't want to risk being late. He said he would be there to open my door when the car drops me off."

"So I take it this night isn't a romantic one." Anna handed Mary her tea, before pouring her own.

"Never." Mary reached for the honey resting on her kitchen island. "Its some sort of fundraising event that he has given his name to in order to network with some executives in from America."

"Don't sound so thrilled." Anna laughed, reaching for the tote she walked in with as Mary followed her into the hallway and to the stairs. "I'll put the warmer sheets in the laundry today and get them put away."

"I never know quite what to do with this house and you always come in, ready to bail me out." Mary breathed, walking up the stairs behind Anna. She never was one to appear weak, but Anna was a close friend and seemed to know her better than she knew herself.

"I can come up more if you need." Anna offered as they reached the second floor and walked to the hall closet, opening the French doors. "Mr. Carson won't mind. Especially if it's for you."

"How is he?" Mary asked, running her hand over her wrist, toying with the thin beaded bracelet. "Not working as much I hope?"

"Mr Carson? He's still working the same amount." Anna laughed, pointing to the top shelf of blankets. "Let's start with those. Then move on to the sheets."

"Sure." Mary stood on her toes, reaching for a pile of cashmere blankets she had picked up when she was in Paris a few months before, the sleeve of her robe sliding a bit.

"Mary, what is that?" Anna gasped, looking at the bruise very distinct on Mary's wrist.

"What is what?" Mary handed the pile of folded blankets to Anna.

"Those markings." Anna pointed, raising Mary's sleeve.

"Oh, I don't know." Mary frowned, shaking her head quickly. "Probably from trying to move my closet around last weekend. You know I bruise like a peach."

"That is very true." Anna laughed, imagining all the times Mary had ended up with random bruises over the years. She was a clumsy one which she had barely noticed until she no longer saw Mary daily. "You know, Mr. Crawley asked how you were doing."

"Oh? When was this?" Mary moved to sit on the floor, crossing her legs as Anna joined her. It had been over a year since his beloved Lavinia Swire had passed away from a terrible case of the flu. She had been engaged to Richard Carlisle at that time, but for a moment she thought Matthew still loved her. Once Lavinia had passed, it was clear that Matthew didn't want her and she proceeded with marrying Richard that following Spring.

"Yesterday. I was talking with her Lady Ship and the Dowager Countess and he came to have tea with them." Anna explained, separating the linens based on materials, season and color. "I mentioned tomorrow was my day out here for the month and he asked how you have been."

"What did you tell him?" Mary asked quickly, shaking her head. "I mean you told him I was doing well, right?"

"I told him you were still madly in love with him." Anna rolled her eyes, tossing a pillow case at her.

"I'm serious. What did you tell him?"

"I told him you were doing well and Richard was as busy as ever." Anna sat back, compiling a stack of blankets that would be reserved again for the top shelf. Mary and Richard Carlisle were tall enough to be able to reach them. "He's actually been in London a lot lately for work. They're opening another office near Ealing."

"Well that's nice." Mary rolled her eyes. Sometimes Anna would tell her what Matthew was up to as if she was expecting some grand reaction. "London's a big place. Plenty of room for the both of us to coexist."

"Are you happy?" Anna said suddenly, knowing that Matthew being so close at times would mean they would possibly run into each other. Both of them were too stubborn to admit their supposed argument was wrong. It was wrong and now Mary looked like she was constantly tired of the life she had now. "Truly?"

"What do you mean?" Mary frowned, leaning back against the sleek taupe walls in the upstairs of her home. Sir Richard had fired the first two painters to come and paint their home, reminding her that life was constantly about business and not much else. Life was business and she was just there to be his wife. A woman to fulfil what he needed and he never let her forget that. They didn't talk. Not deeply anyways. Anna was always the easiest to talk to, even when she didn't need to get anything off her chest. "Truly what?"

"I just mean, are you happy…here?" Anna wasn't sure why she was asking, other than the fact that sometimes Mary seemed tired and a little overwhelmed. Mary was always a charmer and up for so much, but in the last year her confidence had shifted. "In London, with Sir Richard?"

"Of course, I am. With my house and Sir Richard." Mary said quickly, folding the corners of a Hermes blanket she had been given at her wedding from some cousin she had never heard of. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'm just asking. You seem quite tired." Anna smiled, wondering if that was the truth. If it wasn't, one thing was for sure. Mary wasn't the type to show something was wrong if she could help it. She had seen Mary through so much heartbreak with Matthew and after Lavinia died, everything had completely fallen apart. From what little words Mary said, they had a final screaming match, before Mary ran into the house and told Richard she wanted to schedule the wedding as soon as they could. In Anna's mind it seemed like she was trying to make a statement more than take a leap of life long happiness. Even on the wedding day, Tom, Mr. Bates and Anna locked eyes several times as if to say, 'This madness has to stop.'

"I'm not." Mary said firmly, getting up from the floor quickly and placing a stack of blankets on the top shelf. She wasn't tired. She wasn't anything, but someone just trying to clean out their linen closet, before a big event with her husband. She hated when people told her she looked tired, miserable or even sad. She wasn't any of those things and she knew her own mind. "And before you say anything yes, Papa, Tom…my mother says the same thing. Well, you're all wrong. Sir Richard and I are as happy as ever."

"Of course." Anna responded apologetically, standing up alongside Mary, handing her a queen sized down comforter. "Top shelf and then I want to toss the rest of these in the laundry to freshen them up before we put them away."

"You know you're not required to do my laundry." Mary let a small smile escape her lips. Anna was always outdoing herself, bringing her small gifts, taking on house projects and trying to make her life easier than it already was. "Of the very little I do myself, laundry is one of those things I have since learned to do. Laura comes to clean every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday morning. She even cleans the doorknobs, but I do the laundry."

"Well I like to remind you of home." Anna giggled, tossing some blankets into a basket., before pulling it up to rest on her hip. "Now lets go, you can show me how domesticated you are."

"You could quiz me." Mary laughed lightly, her first solid excitement all morning. "Make sure I don't end up with cotton candy pink sheets in my master bedroom."

"Pastels could be in for spring."

"I think Sir Richard would have a heart attack." Mary laughed as they made their way down the wooden steps. Richard Carlisle wasn't known for his sense of humor and she was pretty sure if she messed up the laundry and gave them pastel pink sheets, he'd probably fly off the handle and send her to order new ones within minutes. He had his moments of laughter, but they were few. He was a man of business and he reminded her constantly that his life was serious. When she wanted to cut loose, he had her go on without them. Even on their honeymoon, he worked while she saw the sites and took her time on the French beaches.

Mary watched as Anna tossed some sheets into the laundry for a quick load. She missed her time at Downton, gossiping with Anna, joking with Tom and even battling a bit with Edith. Downton Abbey felt worlds away, having not been there for over a year. After her fight with Matthew and the wedding, Mary felt like going back would have been a mistake. There was hurt there and Richard never liked her being around Matthew. She imagined it had something to do with her husband's pride. They had a large house there in Haxby, but they had not yet once stayed there for a night. It was this plot of land not too far away that was supposed to be where they began their family, but London seemed easier for Richard and to be honest, Mary was starting to be okay with not being so close to Downton Abbey and the people or persons in it. Her life with Richard was different, an adjustment. Things weren't always perfect, but as Carlisle had said, life wasn't meant to be. Life was about failure and success and sometimes, Mary felt ever so much as if her life was failing.


	2. Chapter 2

_***Flashback***The weather was freezing as Mary walked into building that housed Matthew's office. It had been a short ride from the estate into the small town with brick buildings lining the road. It had been week since they had attended Lavinia's small funeral on the estate land. His words had cut like ice, saying they had caused Lavinia's death when she had walked in on them. It was an accident. He had asked her to dance to a song from a show that flopped, they talked for a moment and before she knew it, they were kissing. The next day Lavinia was suddenly dead from a flu that hit her so quickly there was no time to seek any real help. Matthew said it was their fault. As they stood over the fresh dirt, Carlisle walked up and offered to take her to the house. Her heart ached from the coldness of Matthew's words, even if they were just from heartbreak. Now, she stood in front of his office, waiting for the courage to go inside. She couldn't leave it as it was in the cold cemetery that day. She needed to speak with him._

_She let out a weak smile as she passed a man who held the door open for her and she walked into the building, quickly making her way to Matthew's office at the end of the hallway. She wanted to check on him, make sure he was taking care and let her know she was always here if he needed something. Anything. When she knocked on the door, she heard some fumbling around, maybe a few curse words before being told to come in. "Matthew?"_

_Mary stepped in to see Matthew going over some paper work, his computer lit up the dark room. He looked up, his hair a mess and his face clearly unshaven. He frowned, before looking down at the paper work again. "Mary, I'm very busy."_

_"I can see that." She looked around, noticing an empty bottle of scotch near the window. "Glad to see you're not going to drink and drive."_

_"Mary, why are you here?" Matthew asked, sitting back in his black desk chair._

_"I wanted to check on you." Mary took her gloves off, pushing them down into the deep pockets of her Burberry coat. "After Lavinia's…"_

_"You should go." Matthew got up from his desk, locking his computer screen._

_"Matthew, I understand you're hurt and she's gone, but you can't blame yourself." Mary insisted, walking around to meet him at the side of the desk._

_"I don't blame myself." Matthew said, clenching his teeth together. "I blame us. We kissed and she walked in. She walked in thankfully before anything else could happen or she would have dropped dead right there. It wasn't just me, it was two of us there getting carried away."_

_"It was a kiss, Matthew. Nothing else happened." Mary knew it was just because Lavinia had walked in that the kiss hadn't deepened. That they hadn't become more emotional. "She walked in and it was wrong and I'm sorry."_

_"Why are you here? You've seen me. I'm still breathing, so leave." Matthew shook his head, turning his back and walking around to the other side of the desk._

_"Matthew, we kissed." Mary finally gasped as if she had been holding in those very words. "I know what happened, but before all of that we kissed and there was nothing after that."_

_"Because Lavinia became ill! It was a mistake Mary!"_

_"But if she hadn't been ill, what would have happened?" Mary asked, holding her clutch close to her._

_"You would have married that stiff man of yours and Mary…I would have married Lavinia." Matthew insisted, running his hand through his golden hair. "We would have left Downton and none of this mess would have happened."_

_"Would you have?" Mary snapped. "Would you have married her? After my grandmother went and told you that I…She told me Matthew. She told me she said I was still in love with you! You knew that when we kissed! It wasn't just me there it was two of us."_

_"And were you? When you kissed me, were you still in love with me?" Matthew asked, demanding an answer as he came to face her again. "Tell me."_

_"Yes Matthew! I still…I was still in love with you and then we kissed and Lavinia died, but that doesn't change that something happened!" Mary shouted, before hearing movement in the hallway, reminding her that there were shared walls in this building._

_"It was a bloody mistake Mary!" His face was close enough for her to smell the alcohol on his breath and she pulled her head back a bit. "We never should have done it!"_

_"Did you love me?" Mary asked quickly._

_"It's not important! What is important is Lavinia is dead and we killed her!" Matthew shouted, reaching for the last of the scotch in his glass. "She thought I was her one true love and she died."_

_"She died! It's terrible Matthew but…"_

_"But what?" He slammed his glass down, wiping the corners of his mouth. "We should talk about it? We should forget her as she lies cold in a grave and we carry on as if we have no responsibilities to anyone? How would Carlisle feel about that?"_

_"Maybe we should." Mary responded._

_"And say what? Matthew asked, walking over to a side table and leaning against it. "What do you want me to do? Ignore what we did and ask you to leave Carlisle and carry on with me, knowing what heartache we have caused. Be two people doomed to hell carrying on and making love while we laugh at the life we destroyed."_

_"Matthew!"_

_"Marry Carlisle. Marry him, because he wants to marry you despite what we've done. Does he even know Mary, God knows I won't tell him? Our dirty little secret is safe." Matthew glared. "Go on Mary. Live that happy little life with your magazine empire, forgetting all of this."_

_"You're drunk!" Mary shouted, reaching for the empty discarded bottle of scotch. "You're saying things and its fine if you want to behave that way but its rather cowardly if you ask me."_

_"I didn't ask you!" Matthew yelled, pointing at her. "I didn't ask you to come here and I a_ m certainly not going to ask you to stay."

_"Matthew!" Mary shouted, trying to make herself heard over his drunken anger. "Stop yelling and just listen?"_

_"Listen? To what?" Matthew groaned, walking towards her. "Listen to you tell me why I should stop you from marrying Richard Carlisle. Oh wait. Sir Richard Carlisle."_

_"If I leave here and you have told me to go, I will. I won't come back. I won't speak another word of a kiss or feelings or what could have been or should have. I will marry Richard." Marry blurted out, her eyes burning more than she could control. "I will walk out of that door and you won't ever see me outside of Downton affairs."_

_"So, it's that easy. All I have to say is 'go away' and you'll leave." Matthew smirked, looking down at the floor, avoiding all contact with her, but swaying due to the alcohol. "_

_"It is." Mary stiffened, watching as he looked to be prepping for the biggest comeback. "If you truly don't want me here. I will leave and I will marry Carlisle. I won't turn back for a moment Matthew."_

_"Well…" Matthew slid his hands into his pockets, letting out a light laugh. Mary's frown deepened as she observed his unusual and insensitive behavior._

_"Well what?"_

_"Where should I send the wedding gift?" Matthew burst out laughing, sending goosebumps to Mary's fair skin. She felt her eyes burn, but she simply reached for her deep brown gloves, knowing they were done here. "Haxby? Should I just drop it off at your home? I could ship it to Carlisle's office in London."_

_"We're done here." Mary cleared her throat, tossing her green leather Kate Spade clutch under her arm and she walked to the door. He just managed to laugh in his drunken state, letting her leave his office. He was hurting, but Mary was on a deadline and couldn't leave Richard waiting much longer. They were engaged to be married, he was ready to offer her a life and the pressure was on to find a husband and seal the deal. Her relationship, whatever it was, had ended with Matthew._

######################

"Mary?" Richard Carlisle's voice filled Mary's mind, pulling her back to the present. Her husband was waiting at her car door, holding it open and extending his hand for her to get out.

"Oh." Mary shifted. She had gotten lost thinking about her fight with Matthew for some reason while on the way to a function for her husband. She stepped out of the car, running her hand over the red Valentino dress as she felt her husband move his hand to the small of her back. "I was in a daze."

"Well could you snap out of it?" Richard leaned into her ear. "The wife of Roger Miles is here and I need you to occupy her. She hasn't left her husband's side and I need to talk business."

"Why?" Mary groaned, smiling for a crowd of camera's as her husband led her inside. As they made their way inside the Ritz in London, he pulled her to the side.

"Mary, don't do that. You know these events are important for my business." Richard fought the urge to grit his teeth, smiling as a waiter walked by. "Put on a smiling face Darling and it will be over before you know it."

"Oh, in that case." Mary rolled her eyes.

"Do not test me tonight Mary. I have had a long day. And don't you dare embarrass me tonight." Sir Richard leaned in, before laying a soft kiss on her cheek and pulling away. "You look radiant."

"Thank you." Mary looked down at her shoes, trying to gather her thoughts. Whenever she thought about her fight with Matthew, she felt so guilty. She also often felt so talked down to by her husband, but it was important to smile and make a good presentation in public. "Let's go darling."

"Thank you. Let's get inside the ballroom." Richard smiled, entangling his arm in hers, pulling her ever so slightly closer to him as he led her down the lobby and towards the massive ballroom. It was a routine of theirs, to attend such events as these. It was important for them to show their faces around London, especially in the press circles. It kept Richard relevant and his business moving. Mary loved to get dressed up, but for some reason with Richard it felt as if it was a task to look nice and make him look good. She didn't dare back out of an event, because it was too important. Even if she felt like it was way too much.


	3. Chapter 3

Matthew Crawley hadn't made his way over to the legendary Downton Abbey estate in over a month. He wasn't avoiding the place he used to visit almost daily, but had been very busy and Lord Grantham had made his way out of the country. He was back now had asked if Matthew wanted to join him and Tom for a late afternoon drink. Matthew had been in meetings all week and finally had some time free, so Downton seemed like a good way to spend some time with people he enjoyed. Matthew was never one to make a scene of his entrance and so he pushed open the big front door to the house, immediately making eye contact with Mr. Carson who was very clearly making his afternoon rounds around the house. "Hello Carson, sorry I didn't knock. I didn't want to push in and disturb your work."  
"Oh Mr. Crawley, you know Downton Abbey always has an open door for you." Mr. Carson walked up, shaking his hand firmly, greeting him with a warm Carson like smile. "They're in the library."  
"Thank you, Mr. Carson. You're always too kind to me." Matthew grinned, before exiting to the left and heading towards the big home library. As he stepped in, he could hear Lord Grantham's contagious laugh. "Robert! Tom!"  
"Matthew! Glad to have you back." Robert and Tom stood, Robert making his way to the antique bar cart that was about as old as the estate itself. "What can I fix you Matthew?"  
"Scotch on the rocks please." Matthew sat in the corner arm chair. "Glad to see you both doing so well with an afternoon drink."  
"Don't tell Cora. She tried to convince me that husbands go shopping in the city with their wives. Thankfully Mary was available so they're off doing something Cora called retail therapy." Robert rolled his eyes.  
"Mary loves any excuse to shop." Tom laughed, sipping at his drink, noticing the way Matthew's eyes narrowed anytime there was talk of Mary. "I once told her I needed to go into London for some dress socks and I've never seen her so excited."  
"How is Mary?" Matthew asked, immediately noticing the glances between Tom and Robert.  
"It only took him five minutes." Tom teased, looking over at Robert. "You owe me five pounds."  
"Damn its Matthew." Robert reached into his pocket, glaring over at Matthew. "You couldn't wait another half hour to mention her? I see you're only abrupt when I have money on the line."  
"What do you mean?" Matthew frowned. He wasn't sure why the two men seemed to have such a sense of humor over his asking about how Mary was doing. He cared deeply for her, because of their history. Sure, their last words had been fueled by anger and hurt, but he never wanted her to be unhappy and he only wanted the best for her. It had been over a year since she had come back to Downton, making it so that he hadn't seen her. She had sent him an invitation to her wedding to Sir Richard, but only his mother attended. Matthew sat in his office, drinking more than he had the day she had stopped in. There was a moment, a very brief one, where he had thought about going to her and asking her to reconsider. It wasn't that he wanted her to himself, it was that he hated Richard Carlisle and he knew that man didn't deserve Mary. He may have been angry with her and told her to marry Richard, but deep down it wasn't what he wanted. He missed Mary and her friendship. He missed the way they were together and while he knew they wouldn't have been together, he missed seeing her smiles, the way she moved and smelled. He missed her. Deep down he wasn't afraid to admit that to himself.  
"We were betting how long it would take you to mention Mary. This was fast, even for you." Tom laughed, opening his wallet to place money inside of it. "You haven't seen her for a whole year and you two used to be joined at the hip when you were both here."  
"More than a year." Robert added, raising his glass. "The first six months, it seemed unusual for you guys to go so long without seeing each other and nobody knowing what the hell happened."  
"Nothing happened." Matthew responded, shaking his head. Whatever business it was, it was between him and Mary. They had fallen out or had an argument. Whatever it was, it had not ended well but he couldn't hide that he still cared for his dear friend. If she even still considered him that. The words he had said, were not words he meant. He regretted saying some of the things as he watched the words cut her deep like a knife. Over time he knew the words were not true and that Lavinia would never have encouraged or supported him speaking that way. He was quick to point out some of the facts. "She hasn't been back to Downton."  
"True." Robert frowned, clearly showing he missed his oldest. He had seen her a few times when he made his way to London or when they went away to Paris as a family for a wedding, but she hadn't been home and worse, she hadn't even been at Haxby. "Well, that will change here very soon."  
"Why is that?" Matthew looked between Robert and Tom again, who were exchanging looks as if they were a member of a gossip club. The two men seemed to be debating if they should say anything at all. It was too late. "Oh come on now. What is going on?"  
"Mary will be here this weekend for the Harvest celebration in town and the party here in the evening." Tom responded, looking as if he was unveiling a major cash prize. Matthew knew Mary had to come back at some point, but he wasn't expecting to actually be told when she did, but then again Tom was the only person he had told about the kiss they had experienced the night before Lavinia died. He knew Anna knew as well, because Anna had let it slip when they ran into each other in town one day, plus he suspected she was trying to figure out why Mary had suddenly decided to avoid Downton Abbey all together. "According to the last text she left, she's planning on staying for at least a week, depending on Sir Richard."  
"Seems a shame she has to always worry what about what Sir Richard is up to." Lord Grantham sighed, sitting his glass forward on the old oak table. "There once was a time when Mary Crawley didn't care what anyone else thought she should do."  
"Sir Richard is coming?" Matthew frowned, knowing Richard Carlisle despised him. Although maybe that was changed now that he had Mary for himself.  
"Not for the week according to Mary." Robert answered, sitting back in his chair. "She sounded eager to get here according to Tom."  
"She did, but she asked that her first two nights here just be quiet." Tom frowned, sounding a bit concerned. "She said she wanted to enjoy the quiet, instead of having people over for a dinner."  
"London does have a very fast pace to it." Lord Grantham added.  
"So, she'll be here?" Matthew was trying to ignore the different instincts and emotions coming through his body. There was excitement in seeing his old friend, fear that she wouldn't even speak to him, agony over the way he had treated her and nerves, knowing he needed to apologize. Then there was this small piece of him that felt like it might be whole again. She had meant so much to him and then they were nothing. He had lashed out, because he blamed them. A part of him still had that blame to place, but he knew it wasn't right. He knew Mary was the last person to deserve the way he spoke to her. It took a lot for her to come and check on him after Lavinia died and instead, he had pushed her out of his life. He had been a coward that day. She wasn't wrong in the way she spoke to him and she was gracious to give him the option to tell her to stay. He hadn't taken it and now she lived a whole different life, even leaving her family. "She'll be at Downton Abbey."  
"She will." Tom smiled, excited to see his friend, but also noticing the way Matthew's eyes lit up. He knew both of his friend's had experienced heart break in each other and a part of him hoped they could move on past it.  
"Our Mary is coming home." Lord Grantham couldn't help, but smile as he stood up. He checked his watch, then compared it to the clock on the wall. "Damn it. I didn't even notice the time. I have a meeting with Mr. Braum in the town square about the set up for the road. Please excuse me."  
"It was good to see you Robert." Matthew raised his glass before Robert left the room. Matthew sat back in the large chair, watching as the older man exited the room. He looked back at Tom who was ready to speak as they sat their alone. "What?"  
"Nothing." Tom smirked.  
"I know she's married and I don't want anything more than to see her." Matthew shook his head, trying to make it clear. "She's my friend, but we haven't seen each other and it would be nice to know she's doing well."  
"Bullshit." Tom shook his head, sitting his drink on the table. He knew Matthew would never be truly happy if things weren't made right with Mary, but he also knew he couldn't live happier if she was with another man. It was just the two of them that couldn't see it.  
"Tom, Mary is married to Richard Carlisle. It would just be nice to see if she's managing her life and living the one she dreamed of."  
"Right." Tom shook his head, standing up and moving to refill his drink. They rarely talked of Mary beyond Matthew asking how well she was, but he knew his friends and he knew their lives were not the way either one of them had envisioned. Putting Matthew aside, he knew Mary was putting him a wall when she spoke to her family back home. He wasn't quite sure why, but he felt it had something to do with Richard Carlisle who always seemed so angry all the time." Why can't you just admit it?"  
"Admit what?" Matthew rolled his eyes, immediately knowing what Tom was going to say.  
"That she's the one who got away and you're glad Sir Richard won't be here to rub it in your face." Tom's Irish accent sounded as thick as ever as he began to raise his voice ever so slightly. He knew Mary was avoiding Matthew and he knew it was going to be hell the first two the two of them saw each other. It just made him angrier to know both of them were prepared to live separate lives, even disregarding the strong friendship they had once had. "What are you going to do when you see her? Run the opposite way? Tip your hat and move along? You are the two most headstrong people."  
"That we are." Matthew chuckled and then frowned. "I don't feel like she was a prize to be won. Mary and I were in a bad place and it didn't work out. I just want to know she's okay and perhaps that she doesn't hate me. Although I fully expect her to."  
"She doesn't hate you." Tom rolled his eyes, placing a few ice cubes in his own glass. "I can assure you of that."  
"And how can you do that?" Matthew stood, walking over to the cart as he decided to refill his own drink. "Do you have mind reading skills?"  
"Because she talks just as you do." Tom said clearly, letting his friend know that Mary had a tell. She gave herself away at times when she tried to appear too tough. "She expresses it differently, but she asked if you were going to be here and when I said yes, well she sounded just as you do. You're both nervous, because you both made mistakes. She's married now and that can't be undone, but you guys can make right."  
"Happily married to Richard Carlisle?" Matthew sighed, sitting back down.  
"You'll have to ask her about that. I doubt he's changed." Tom chuckled, sipping at the scotch that burned slightly on first sip. "I can't imagine him doing yoga or Pilates with her on the weekends."  
"Very true." Matthew laughed, pouring himself a second drink. "Still, I look forward to seeing her."  
"I'm sure it would be good for the two of you to clear the air. Maybe she will start coming home again." Tom said, hope filling his voice. He like her parents, got to see her still on occasion but Downton Abbey was not itself without Lady Mary Crawley being a part of it.  
"I do hope I can help with that." Matthew meant it. The family missed her. Even Edit had expressed on occasion how she missed having Mary around and without her on the estate, something was missing. He wondered how Mary was. Some nights he would lie in bed, wondering if Mary ever thought back on their fight. If she ever wished he would have asked her to drop Carlisle for him. Not that they would be together even now, but if their friendship would have survived. He still had guilt over Lavinia, but it wasn't Mary's fault. He had once tried to shift the blame all to her, but in reality, she was the one who had finally tried to fight for them. Instead he had gotten drunk, pushing her out of his life. Now she was a stranger and he wanted nothing more than to see the woman who had once made his heart stop.


	4. Chapter 4

As the morning light came through the sheer curtains, Mary clutched the expensive sheets closer to her bare chest. There had been another function the night before just outside of London and when she looked over at her night stand, she saw the remaining jewelry resting on a small tray. They had come home and after a few glasses of wine, they fell into bed together. There were few perks to marriage in her experience, but the option of sex was one of them. That wasn't something she was afraid to admit. She hadn't experienced much to compare it to, but that was one thing Richard Carlisle was accommodating to. Not to mention sex was easier than him screaming at her for embarrassing him and their nights usually ended one or two ways. Usually they fought. They fought bad and in a way that made her say 'never again' would she put up with his behavior, but then at some point she had stopped even saying that to herself. So, some nights they would more than sleep together and every morning after, she would lie in bed, feeling some way. She closed her eyes tight, not sure she was ready to brace the day. She thought about going back to sleep but then she remembered she had to pack to take the afternoon train to Downton. She would be away from London for at least a week and that meant leaving her life behind and she was okay with that. She would come back, but she needed a break. She needed some time to get away from the intensity that was her marriage.  
Her life with Carlisle was not perfect. She had been told nothing about marriage was perfect. Everyone at her wedding told her there would be good and bad. The problem was, she entered her marriage feeling like everything was wrong. She was stubborn and after struggling to find the right successful man, she had an option. A man wanted to marry her. A man with money, lots of it. A man with a solid reputation who so many admired around London for his success. Just saying it in her head sounded wrong. Wrong for the wrong reasons. Right for no reason other than she felt like she had no choice. Looking back, it wasn't like she was a girl in early nineteen hundred. She wouldn't have been trapped. Yet, she had soiled her reputation, married a man once willing to forgive that and now she was lying in bed and wishing it would all go away. That was when she heard the door open from their bathroom and her husbands voice. "Mary, darling."  
"Yes?" Mary yawned as if to make him think she had just woken up. She sat up in the large bed, tucking the sheet into her arms and looking at Richard Carlisle who was now fully dressed and ready to go into one of his many offices. "You're going to work?"  
"Yes, we have a board meeting in thirty-minutes." Richard adjusted his tie in the mirror, before reaching for her robe that had been tossed to the side the night before. He picked it up, smelling it before tossing it on the bed. "And you need to get up. You have things to do before you go to Downton."  
"I know I have to pack." Mary pushed the covers back, reaching for the silk robe and standing up from the bed. She felt nervous whenever she was alone naked with him, as if he was inspecting her and ready to tell her the parts he didn't like. He never said it bluntly, but he would occasionally make a comment or two. Just about little things.  
"That's not all." Richard sighed, reaching for his blazer and walking over to the bed. "You need to make an appointment with the physician and I brought home a list of supplements you should be taking."  
"Taking?" Mary frowned.  
"If we're going to get pregnant soon, you need to be on top of it. I don't want to spend months to years trying to do something I know we can be good at. It's just some folic acid, zinc and some others." Richard walked forward, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear as she tied the robe around her small waist. "It hasn't happened yet and how long have you been off of your pills?"  
"Richard…" Mary stepped back, crossing her arms over her chest and feeling taken back that he would just assume she had stopped protecting herself.  
"What?" He frowned, leaning forward to kiss her.  
"You see, we just talked about starting to plan for a family. I haven't even gone off my pill yet." Mary responded, pointing to her purse. "I have another week in there at least. You can't just up and stop those things."  
"Mary, we talked about this." Richard groaned, stepping back, his face turning red. "We are trying to get pregnant. We are trying to have a baby."  
"Yeah and we talked but we never said officially." Mary explained, shaking her head as she recalled the conversation that had happened after a long night of him yelling at her for another man hitting on her. A man had caught her attention at the champagne tower, asking her to dance. She kindly declined, but the outrage of Richard's jealousy led to a night of him berating her, calling her everything he could think of before he quickly apologized. They made love that night or something that resembled it, then had talked about what they would do when it was time to try for a baby. When. They had never set a timeline and it was still there first year of marriage. "It's my body and I would know if we had decided to start putting a baby in it. I think I would know."  
"Damn it Mary!" Richard began to shout, growing increasingly angry. When Richard got angry, it was typically due to him feeling like someone had taken him for a fool or challenged his manhood or even his success. When he got angry, the veins in his neck became so distinct. It seemed as if his skin had grown too tight to contain them. "You've been taking those pills for the last two months? The pills that make sure there is no baby?"  
"Yes, the pills that verify there will be no baby. Yet." Mary rolled her eyes, stepping away from him and towards the other side of their bedroom. "And what is this talk of these vitamins? Can't we at least try before we start pushing a million 'supplements' down my throat?"  
"Listen to me." Carlisle caught her by the arm as she stepped into the bathroom, pushing her back into the wall by the shower aggressively. He caused her robe to fall off the shoulders of her small frame. She gasped as his nails dug into her soft skin, his face getting closer to hers. "I don't like being lied to and you know that."  
"I know and I wasn't lying." Mary pleaded, trying to pull herself away from his grip but he only dug tighter and she could feel whatever nails he had on him cutting into her skin. She tried to pull away again, but it only made him jolt her against the wall again, this time her back arching as she felt him push her shoulder into the wall. "Richard! Let me go!"  
"Then don't lie to me Mary!" Richard held her shoulders into the wall, even though her left shoulder felt as if it was on fire, his full body weight holding her in place. His breath was hot on hers, but not in the way before something romantic was about to happen. In the way that told her Carlisle was going to give her the cold shoulder, or that he was going to yell or even that she was in 'trouble' with him. There was a time when she would have rolled her eyes and fought back, but the thing was, that at some point this had become her life. This had become their routine. Fight and make up. Fight and she apologized for upsetting him. For challenging him. Mary closed her eyes tight, ignoring each motion of him pushing her into the wall to get the message through. Sometimes she was numb to it. "Don't lie and tell me you want a baby when you're just going to keep taking those. Don't make it so I can't trust you."  
"I'm not." Mary was winded from the tension in her body as she fought to stand up against the wall, her back needing a break. "I wasn't lying, I just misunderstood."  
"Misunderstood?" Carlisle scoffed, releasing his hold on her and noticing a few small cuts of blood on her arm. He walked over to the sink, reaching for a cloth off the shelf. "You make me look like a fool sometimes Mary and I can't get over that you seem to enjoy it. How it seems to make you feel so smart."  
"That wasn't what…" She began.  
"And you expect me to trust you? Alone? At Downton?" Carlisle shook his head, turning the water on and running the cloth underneath it. He then walked over to her, reaching for her arm and running the cloth over it. "How can I trust you when you lie to me."  
"I'm sorry." Mary gave in, knowing that she didn't have the energy to reason with him. She didn't need to give him a reason to want to join her in Downton Abbey, so it was easier just to give in to him. To his frustrations. "I was wrong. I should have talked to you more about it and made sure that I was on the same page to make sure our perceptions of the conversation didn't differ."  
"It's all I ask." Carlisle took a deep breath, cleaning up her arms. He frowned, running his finger over the redness on her skin. "You may want to hold this cloth on there to stop the bleeding."  
"Yeah. Of course." Mary moved her hand over his, looking over at the bed and the table next to it. She almost felt a sense of relief as the time displayed that it was time for him to leave. If there was something she had learned whenever it got heated, Carlisle wanted to get out as much as she did. "You're going to be late for the meeting."  
"Right." Carlisle took a deep breath, his hands moving to his waist as he looked around the bathroom. His eyes then softened as he looked back at her, moving his hand to her face. "I only want us to be happy Darling. Our very happiest. Don't cross me."  
"Of course." Mary sniffed, trying to ignore the pain she physically felt.  
"You should get packing. You don't want to be late for the train." Her husband reminded her, adjusting his tie once more in the mirror after becoming a bit disheveled. The man ran a comb over his hair once more, turning around to look at his deflated wife. "You're staying just the week, right?"  
"I was planning at least the week, but you never know. My mother might persuade me to spend longer. I haven't been back." Mary breathed.  
"And you're just planning on seeing family and some of the staff?" Carlisle asked, checking his cufflinks and walking out into the bedroom. Mary followed.  
"Yes. I know we will see people around town, but that happens at the events. I'll probably just stick around Tom and Anna." Mary said honestly, handing her husband his wallet from his bedside table. She didn't want to give him another reason to be upset and he was never happy when he was late.  
"As long as that is all." Richard Carlisle took the wallet, reaching for his wife again as she winced. He rubbed his hands over her arms and gave her a soft kiss on the lips, before pulling back. "Just call me before you commit to staying longer. I would hate for you to miss out on anything here. Or see too much of anyone there. I would hate for you to overstay your welcome."  
"Of course." Mary said quiet, watching her husband back out of the room and head towards the large staircase. Mary stood in there room along, her hand moving over her lips as she heard her husband leave their home. She gasped, tears escaping her eyes as she knew he was finally gone, and she fell to the floor. Not from pain, but sheer devastation that this was her life. That she had become a woman so belittled by a man, that she stayed. She missed the woman she once was. A woman who would have never thought she would be sitting in her room, plotting to pack for a whole weekend where she would have to cover the bruises or the cuts. She was going back to Downton and she thought if only for a week, she would be free. She could be Mary again. She could be Anna's friend, Tom's sidekick and see her parents. She even longed to see Edith and hope that maybe someone would make her feel as if her life wasn't going to hurt her. She wanted to feel as if she was in the right place, with the right people. She wanted to feel for a moment like she wasn't holding on for dear life for the sake of her pride. She wanted to be in Downton Abbey.  
****Okay guys, I know that was intense. There will be moments of intensity and emotion. Please don't let that scare you away. I truly am excited about the story developing here. I also do feel like Carlisle had some traits of an abusive individual and I am just writing him as I perceived he would be. Can't wait to share more of this story with you!"


	5. Chapter 5

It had been ages since Mary had stepped into the Edwardian style bedroom that she had grown in and loved as a young adult. As a child she recalled begging her mother for something with horses, but her mother informed her it was a privilege to have this bedroom and though she would never admit it, Mary now agreed. Her father and Tom had picked her up from the train station, their smiles as wide across their faces as could be. Mary couldn't help but smile as she thought about it, her smile fading as she opened her suitcase. Anna had promised to come up and help her unpack after she finished up a few things on her schedule, but she didn't want to pressure her to do it all. Anna's role decades before would mean that she would do this all for Mary, but now Anna worked for the house, taking on many tasks with Mrs. Hughes. She sighed, reaching for a bag of toiletries even though she didn't need them here. The house had plenty, but Mary was so used to traveling and it was just a habit now. As she moved to the dresser with the small case, she smiled when she saw a note from her mother who was not home at the time she arrived. It was a note adding that she was at a luncheon, but would be home for dinner. She had added that she couldn't wait to see her daughter couldn't wait to talk about everything under the sun with her. Her eyes glistened at the thought, immediately feeling a small bit of the world's weight lift off of her. Mother's had a funny way of doing just that. She slid her blazer off, hanging it on the rack next to the dresser. It had been hours since her arms had been free and she just needed a moment to let the fresh air touch them as she felt the cuts burn ever so slightly. For a man who groomed well, it was surprising that short nails could do so much damage. She examined her arms in the mirror. She would put a cardigan over them in a moment. Right now, she wanted to lie back on the bed that was older than she was. This morning when she and Richard had argued, he had become furious and her arms, shoulder and back were feeling a little painful as she let some of the tension come off her body. The bruising hadn't fully set in, it would be even darker later. For now, she just wanted to breathe. Just as Mary sat back on the bed, the door swung open and in walked the familiar blonde. "Mary sorry I took so long. I was just talking to Mrs. Hughes and we started noticing that the menu needed a bit more spice to it, so we told Mrs. Patmore and well she was actually quite excited to add a few things. I hope Daisy shares her enthusiasm."  
"Oh that's no problem." She sat back up, running her hands over the smooth skirt she had picked up in Piccadilly a few weeks before. She stood up to meet Anna in front of the bed, realizing as Anna stepped closer her that her arms were still uncovered.  
"Mary!" Anna gasped, reaching for her wrist. Her eyes widened. "What happened? You're swollen and cut up and red….what happened?"  
"I'm so clumsy. Really, its quite humiliating when you think about it." Mary said quickly, pulling her arms away and locking her hands together. "Don't worry, I have a few outfits to cover them up until they fade."  
"Mary, those are nail imprints." Anna frowned, the fear evident on her face as she reached for her wrist again. "Who did this to you?"  
"Anna, you really shouldn't worry about anything that doesn't concern you." Mary insisted, walking to suitcase and grabbing a cardigan. She unfolded the sweater, her eyes burning but she remained composure. "How am I to dress for dinner tonight? I hope nothing too formal."  
"I…Lady Cora said you can just wear something casual. A cardigan and a skirt or dress pants." Anna blinked, tears welling in her eyes as she recalled seeing the few bruises on her wrist the weeks before. She and Mr. Bates talked at night from time to time about Mary and Carlisle. Bates had a terrible feeling about Richard and Anna was open to him about how she didn't trust him. Now, she was standing in front of who she could easily call her best friend and the whole situation was starting to make sense. "Mary, did Richard do this?"  
"No. That is mad." Mary rolled her eyes, tossing stuff out of the suitcase and onto the bed. "Do you have a steamer up here?"  
"Down the hall." Anna nodded, stepping forward. "Mary, just tell me one thing."  
"What, Anna?" She began to sound annoyed, but more than anything she didn't want to talk to anyone about the mess she got herself into.  
"You won't go back to him? Please tell me you're here and you'll stay." Anna pleaded.  
"Anna, you've developed a story in your head about where my injuries came from. I told you, I'm quite clumsy and I fell. I hurt my shoulder and back, but I will be fine. Just please don't go telling everyone, especially my mother and father about this." Mary responded, speaking evenly and never altering her tone. "I don't want my mother to worry about something that isn't the case at all."  
"Mary…"  
"Now if you could please go get the steamer." Mary changed the subject. She didn't want to talk about her marriage with Richard Carlisle and she certainly wasn't going to tell her family how she had upset him on a occasion and how he reacted when she did. It wasn't their business but more importantly, it wasn't their load to carry.  
"Of course." Anna lowered her head, walking to the door. She looked back at Mary one more time then their eyes met. Mary knew Anna wasn't stupid and she certainly wasn't buying any of it. She just needed Anna to trust her. Anna left the room and Mary turned towards the window that over looked much of the estate. It wasn't going to be easy with Anna onto what was happening in London. She just needed to be in Downton and breathe and she hoped Anna would understand. Anna was loyal. She wouldn't say anything until she knew Mary had no control any longer. So, Mary knew she just needed to make it clear she had control. Even when she had none at all.  
Mary made her way down the steps at Downton Abbey, reminiscing about all of the occasions she had walked down the grand steps before. They looked the same as they did when she was growing up and for years before her existence. She just didn't seem to remember how many steps they were as her sore body took them all in. She held onto the bannister, cringing as she made it down the last two steps. She had taken something light for the pain in her shoulder and back, the long sleeves of her green dress covering any trace of the damage her husband had done. Just as she met the bottom of the steps, she heard a loving and familiar voice. "My favorite lady."  
"Carson!" She gasped, her smile growing so quickly as she almost lunged forward. Their family was still considered quite proper, but Carson was a second father to her and she hadn't seen him since she last was in Downton Abbey. Her eyes welled up as she hugged him tighter, ignoring how his arms were pressing into her sore body. "Oh Carson, how are you?"  
"I've been great, but now I am even better." He grinned, clutching her hand. "Welcome home dear."  
"Thank you. I promise I will come see you every day that I am here." She couldn't help but smile before hugging him again. In the last year he had aged just a bit and now that she was standing in front of the man that helped raise her, she never wanted to miss a change to see him. "You'll be so sick of me."  
"That would be impossible." Carson smiled, pointing to down to the direction of the drawing room. "There are plenty of people in there just as excited to see you."  
"Oh I don't know about that." Mary giggled, walking towards the old green room. It was a smaller crowd tonight. Her father told her it was just the family and maybe one or two additional friends. As she entered the familiar room, her mind wandered to all the detailing in the house. It sometimes felt too big for her and right now it just felt so peaceful. It felt like home and it was.  
"Mary! My Dear!" Lady Cora Crawley jumped up from her seat, running towards her daughter.  
"Mama." Mary's eyes welled up immediately. She had seen her mother a few times over the time she had been gone, but something was different about seeing her mother in their family home. Cora and Mary's eyes glistened, but then they both looked around and quickly wiped them away.  
"You're home." Cora beamed, hugging her again.  
"I am." Mary closed her eyes, before feeling a tap on the shoulder. She winced for a moment, but turned around to see Edit. "Edith, darling."  
"Welcome back to Downton. I was beginning to think you forgot home." Edith laughed, leaning forward to give her sister a very formal kiss on the cheek. "How was the train?"  
"Oddly comforting." Mary laughed as her father walked up and hugged her. "Papa, you saw me earlier."  
"I won't get tired of it." Robert beamed as Tom walked up and handed her a drink. "We have you ready to go. Drink up."  
"Thank god." Mary laughed, reaching for the wine from Tom's hand. "Thank you Tom."  
"It's your favorite. Your father had Carson open it a bit ago." Tom said, cheer in his voice. He reached for his own glass, raising it off the table and up in the air. "To Mary being home!"  
"To Mary being home!" Cora, Edith and Robert sang in unison, as the doors opened and she saw a much older woman walk into the room. Her grandmother was here and she was so happy to see her. It had been over a year since the elderly woman had seen her and the guilt was starting to flow back.  
"Mary!" The Dowager Countess, Violet, walked into the room, cane in hand. "Oh Mary darling."  
"Granny!" Mary rushed over to her, hugging her tight. The shorter woman always dressed so grand. "You look marvelous."  
"So do you my dear. So do you." Violet said, patting her on the back. She pulled away and frowned.  
"What's wrong Granny?" Mary's grandmother stood back, holding her hands as she examined her.  
"Do they not have kitchens in London? Chefs? Food?" Violet said dryly, before urging Mary to turn around.  
"Granny, I eat." Mary rolled her eyes, hugging her grandmother once more. She took a deep breath, smoothing out the ensemble she chose for the night. Suddenly the doors to the drawing room opened again and two bodies moved in. Suddenly the wind was knocked out of Mary, her stomach flipping as an older woman rushed in, followed by a blonde man with striking eyes that she knew all too well.  
"Mary!" Isobel Crawley wrapped her arms around her, Mary ignoring the pain. She had always cared for Isobel and found her to be a fun and caring woman. "So good to see you."  
"Great to see you too." Mary beamed, as Matthew stepped forward. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Cora and Isobel urge everyone to step away, go on talking and Mary truly wished they hadn't all left the two of them standing there. She noticed how they went on to all go sit down and talk, leaving Mary and Matthew Crawley alone to stand in front of each other. "Matthew."  
"Mary Crawley." He smiled, his eyes were just as striking as ever and Mary was forced to look away. "You look well." She straightened up, her cheeks turning a bit red. She wasn't sure why, their last interaction had been complete hell. "How is the law business?"  
"A rewarding but horrid affair." He chuckled, then his eyes softened and he spoke up again. "Mary, you look great."  
"Thank you." She sipped at her wine, wondering if he would say anything about their last encounter.  
"Mary, I hate that its been this long." Matthew admitted, noticing how tired and thin she looked. She was always beautiful to him, even now. He knew he made a mistake that day and now he was finally standing in front of her, wanting to tell her a million times all the mistakes he had made with them as the suffering party. "The last time we spoke…"  
"Well I gave you what you wanted." Mary smiled abruptly, before looking at the rest of the family. She wanted an out. She couldn't talk to him right now. Feelings and sentiments were swimming back to her just by making eye contact and Mary couldn't do it. She couldn't lose her track and she certainly couldn't easily forget how cold he was to her, alcohol or not. Now wasn't the time. It wasn't the time to tell him how she hadn't wanted to get out of bed or how she cried alone moments before getting married to Richard Carlisle or how she made a choice to marry someone so angry. "Let's join the family."  
"Lets." Matthew frowned, as Mary walked away, leaving him standing there. Mary went on to listen to her family speak, ignoring the burning feeling of his eyes on her. He was still standing there, sipping at the scotch Tom had just walked over to hand him. She wasn't ready to see him and she certainly wasn't ready to talk to him about the past. It was time to soak up her family and leave the man who she had once wanted more than anything behind. She wasn't ready and Carlisle wouldn't like it. Her husband would be furious and she didn't care. She could feel Matthew's eyes on her and the world was starting to feel way too small for the both of them.


	6. Chapter 6

Mary missed the grounds of Downton Abbey. The way the trees stood proud and the wind blew, there was something that reminded her of how special this place was. The weather was crisp and this weekend was the Harvest party. Edith and her mother had gone into town to help with the setting up of the event. Tom and her father were on another estate doing only God knows what. So, Mary was spending her quiet time sitting on a bench with a book and a heavy sweater. Thankfully the crisp weather and the sweater were a perfect combination as she sat to finally read a book she had wanted to sit down and dedicate some time to for a while. As she turned the page in her book, she heard a buzz come from her phone. For the first time in a few days, Richard sent her a text. It was a text to let her know he had sent her a bracelet to Downton as a way to show he missed her. She knew it was a way to also apologize for his actions, but he would never admit it. She sent him back a thank you and he asked about seeing everyone. She was short in her response, but let him know it had just been family up to this point. Mostly family. There was no point in mentioning that Isobel and Matthew had been at dinner the other night, or that Matthew had tried to get her alone to talk several times that evening. It would anger him and honestly, Mary made sure to get away from Matthew each time. She didn't want to talk to him about the past. It wasn't something that would help and when she had just seen his face, she felt too much. It took her back to that day in his office. The day she thought about at least once a week since. The hurt in his face, the pain in her chest. It was sad and it broke her heart.  
"Mary." It was his voice. His voice was one she knew from anywhere. She looked up to see him standing by his bike. He smiled, his striking eyes making contact with hers. He rolled his bike over to the tree, propping it up, before walking over to her.  
"Oh. Hello Matthew." Mary reached for her bookmark, closing the latest John Grisham novel and setting it to the side. She wasn't one to be rude, but she didn't really want to speak with him. She wasn't sure how to be around him. She didn't want to argue, she had enough of that in her life. She didn't really want to talk and he clearly did. "I'm sorry. Papa and Tom aren't home at the moment."  
"Yes, I ran into them at the station this morning" Matthew walked closer and sitting down on the bench next to her and she began to clearly look annoyed. "I actually came to look for you."  
"Oh?" She wrapped the sweater tighter around her. "And why is that?"  
"It's been over a year since we talked." Matthew crossed his arms looking over at her. Noticing how she shifted away ever so slightly. "Would you like to go for a walk?"  
"I can't." Mary stood up, reaching for her book and holding it close. "I'm very busy."  
"Doing what?" Matthew sighed, looking around at the empty grounds. "I can see you don't have any entertaining to do at the moment."  
"You don't know my life Matthew." Mary groaned, turning away from the bench and beginning to walk in the direction of the house.  
"Mary, wait." Matthew ran after her.  
"Matthew…. what do you want? You're here and you keep trying to get me to talk to you. But about what?" Mary turned around, the wind blowing strands of loose hair in front of her face. He was too close to her.  
"I just want to talk to you." Matthew admitted, his hand moving to his pocket. "Can't we take a walk?"  
"Matthew." Mary shook her head, trying to think of a solid reason to tell him no. The truth was, he was so calming and she thought for even a moment, she didn't need an excuse. Maybe she wanted to hear what he had to say. "A short walk."  
"We won't go on for miles, I promise." Matthew moved his hand over his heart as if to show he wasn't keen to break his word to her. He walked towards the sidewalk, gesturing for her to come along with him. "Unless you want to."  
"Don't push it." Mary rolled her eyes, dropping her book on the bench and walking towards Matthew. For a moment they began to walk, neither one of them saying anything. It reminded her of the walks they used to take, sometimes never saying anything at all. Only this time here was so much floating over them that the tension seemed to keep them both quiet. They had actually made it to the end of the drive, before either one of them said a word. Mary broke her silence first. "I missed the grounds here, there isn't anything like it in London."  
"London is lovely, but lacks the charm of this estate." Matthew smiled, looking over at her as she looked in the opposite direction. He felt she looked tired and worn, as if she needed days of sleep and good meals. It was something he had noticed at dinner and even Anna had pointed out to him before he ever saw her. "Well, I can think of one bit of charm that it has. That Downton has been lacking."  
"So, you're going with flattery." Mary let out a soft giggle, before crossing her arms over her chest. "Surprising since the way we left off."  
"Mary." Matthew stopped as they turned onto the street, his hand moving to her arm. She pulled it quickly away, her eyes looking down. She took a deep breath and began to walk again, he followed. "Mary, I was wrong. In that office that day, the things I said. I was hurt but I never should have said them to you. I didn't mean it."  
"Never should have said it? Maybe you meant it, but you regret how it turned out." Mary spoke, walking slowly along the road. "I don't know what you want me to say Matthew."  
"Then let me say it." He stopped, reaching for her arm again and she pulled it away, this time her face looking startled.  
"Please don't." Mary ran her hand over her sweater.  
"Sorry. Just please let me speak." Matthew pleaded, his voice softening. "Mary, I have so much to say. So much I should have said so long ago and now I just want to say that I am sorry. The way I treated you, the way I spoke to you when you came to my office was uncalled for. I never should have dismissed you. I should have asked for time."  
"Time?" Mary laughed almost sarcastically. "I came to you and you wanted me gone. Out of your face."  
"Mary, when I was in the office that day I wasn't thinking clearly. I dismissed you and I acted like there was nothing between us. I was hurting from Lavinia and to be honest, her death still breaks me, but there is something that breaks me more. I understand Lavinia died and it really wasn't our fault. I blamed you and it wasn't your fault." Matthew said, his voice delicate as she looked down at her feet, shifting her shoes. "Having lost you, breaks me more than anything. Having sat back that day the town turned up to see you say your vows to a man who…I'm sorry. I don't know him. Not well enough, but he's not good enough for you."  
"How do you know that Matthew?" Mary groaned, pushing her hair behind her ears. "How can you say everything you said that day then sit here and say Richard is wrong for me. You pushed me to marry him!"  
"Because you should have been mine Mary." Matthew's voice was still calm, as it seemed he was still discovering what he wanted to stay. "That night we kissed, there was a moment. A moment where I knew I wanted that forever and then when Lavinia died, I pushed it out of my mind in fear of the guilt I had. It tore me apart, but not seeing you in over a year has ruined my life."  
"What do you want me to say?" Mary asked as a man rode by on a bike and she turned to begin walking with him. "I'm married."  
"I know."  
"We're having a baby." Mary said.  
"What?" Matthew frowned, the color draining from his face. "You're pregnant?"  
"No." Mary shook her head, walking slowly. "But we want to try. Richard is eager to get started."  
"And you?"  
"It's the logical next step." She shrugged, holding up her hand to show her ring. "Isn't that what married people do next?"  
"I suppose." Matthew lowered his head as they walked. He didn't know why, but he didn't believe that it was what she wanted. When she showed the ring, her hand was a bit shaky and he just knew Mary. Even after a lapse in seeing her, he knew her, because he knew her heart. He knew his heart. She wouldn't have married Carlisle if he had asked her not to. He just wanted her to tell him that. "Can I ask you something?"  
"Sure." Mary walked, running her finger over the ring that was too tight.  
"If I had asked you to not marry Carlisle that day and give me time, would you have stayed at Downton and dismissed him?" Matthew stopped, Mary stopping a few steps ahead of him. She turned around, looked out at the pasture along the road. "Matthew…. don't do that."  
"Just tell me." He pleaded, running his hand through his hair. "Would it have made a difference? Whatever he was promising you, would it be us now trying for a baby? If I had asked you to stay, would you have?"  
"Matthew, I…I can't answer that." Mary's eyes began to water. She couldn't help it as the burning sensation took over and suddenly the soreness in her body became stronger. It had been three days since Carlisle roughed her up and her bruises were dark on her arms and back, her shoulder still throbbing in pain. "Please don't make me answer that."  
"Mary." Matthew, tried to take her hand and she flinched. "Why do you do that? Why do you just pull away when I try to touch you? This isn't us."  
"There is no us Matthew!" She shouted, tears running down her cheeks, her voice shaking. "Don't you get it? I made a choice. We made a choice and I walked out of your office. I told you I wouldn't look back and I can't. I can't look back and wonder how our lives would be together. I have a husband who is in love with me. I have a life. I'm not the same woman."  
"Mary, I know you're married." Matthew frowned, his own eyes turning red. He knew she was married and he didn't want to disrespect that, however he needed her know he made a mistake. He needed her to know he loved her so much and would change things if he could. "I made a mistake. I don't expect you to change your life, but you deserve to know my single biggest regret is letting you leave my office that day. I never should have let you get married without putting up a fight. If I could do it all over again, I would have fought up until the moment you said 'I do.'  
"Carlisle would have had a field day." She wiped at her eyes, avoiding eye contact with him again.  
"Mary, I wanted to tell you." Matthew took a deep breath, weight moving off of him as she looked up. Her eyes were wet, her breathing slow. "I want my friend back. I want to put this behind us, so that if I can have anything, I can have your friendship. It means the world to me."  
"Friends?" Mary bit her lip, letting out a deep breath. "Like the infamous Matthew and Mary."  
"Matthew and Mary." Matthew laughed. "Walks and all. Dinner laughs included."  
"Just friends." Mary sighed, walking up the hill. Thinking about how mad those very words would make her husband and wondering if there was a way to have it with out him ever knowing. He was always very defensive when it came to her being with Matthew. He felt Matthew was a threat to their relationship.  
"The best of friends." Matthew chuckled.  
"Might be strange." Mary added, reaching for a leaf off the ground. She walked alongside him, feeling positive by the idea that maybe this tension with him would be with relieving. She wasn't in a place to feel comfortable with him again, but there was a familiarity to him that left her wanting to talk to him. She had Anna and Tom, but Matthew was special to her. He smiled coyly as she walked with him and they continued to speak. He had said things that meant he knew he made a mistake, but he just wanted to be her friend more than anything and apart of her missed that comfort they had. She had so much weighing on her and if it meant they could at least move past their fight, she was willing to relieve some of the stress. Some of the world that was holding her down. Her husband didn't have to know. Richard never had an interest in returning to Downton and if he didn't know about Matthew, then she was safe. Things wouldn't ever be the exact same with Matthew. She wasn't sure she wanted them to be. But he was here, trying to make nice and probably just trying to make things easier for her family. She hadn't come home and he probably just wanted to help her family. So, for now they would talk, he had changed the subject and they may have just put the rest of it behind them. Maybe he even had someone special in his life, she wouldn't know these things unless they talked more.


	7. Chapter 7

The lights in town hung from post to post, surrounded with golden leaves and pumpkins. Mary couldn't stop looking around as she passed each building, loving the work her mother, Mrs. Hughes and Anna did to make the Harvest celebration come to life. Of course, there were dozens of other people behind it, but it was stunning. Coming home this time around meant she was having a greater appreciation for the work they put into this sort of event. She didn't have to explain her every move to someone when she was here. At home, she was a prisoner in her own life. She felt bad saying that. Carlisle had his moments, but more than that he knew one of her deepest and darkest secrets. Other than him, Anna and her mother knew. When Mary was eighteen years old, the Turkish Ambassador's son visited Downton Abbey which was an annual tradition. When he was there, they flirted and he snuck in her room. Another guest saw him go in and the next morning, he was discovered dead in his bed. The true tale was that during Mary's first-time having sex, he fell dead on top of her. Anna and her mother helped her move him back to the Bachelor's Corridor as they called it. Her mother was furious, but knew the reputation and tradition would put the family at stake even these days. The other guest, went to Carlisle and offered to sell the story. Carlisle bought, but then used it as blackmail to get her to date him. Mary at times thought he really loved her, Matthew was certain he just wanted the power over her. The tale of Lady Mary Crawley losing her virginity was enough to harm a family, even in modern times. Here was now, bruised, sore and tired. Her life wasn't terrible. She kept reminding herself of that. This was the price she had to pay. She stopped by a large pumpkin, watching as a mother propped her little one against it to snap a photo. She walked up to the woman, speaking softly. "Would you like me to take a picture of you guys?"  
"Oh…that would be great." The woman handed her a cell phone, before kneeling down in front of the pumpkin next to the little one.  
"Got it." Mary beamed, holding the phone forward after snapping the photo. "I took a couple; his little hand was in his face for the first one."  
"Perfect. Thank you." The woman laughed, lifting her son. She smiled, before leaving Mary standing there. Mary looked around, watching as the people of the town ran by, enjoying their evening. The air was a bit chilly and it was outside of her norm, but Mary was wearing an oversized burnt orange sweater, skinny jeans and riding boots. Her mother laughed, saying she was a real city girl now. Mary just didn't have a lot of clothing options that didn't show some sort of hint of her black and blue body. It was a liberal outfit, even for her, but she wasn't going to lie about the comfort level. She also seemed to fit in more with the people of the town. It was odd to have sleeves longer than her arms, but she was grateful she had bought this sweater when she made a trip to New York to visit her Grandmother. As she walked along the street, she saw Matthew standing in front of the milk bottle game. She thought about turning around and walking in the opposite direction, but she walked towards him, stopping just behind him as he swung and missed the bottle. "I take you didn't want a witness to that last shot."  
He wasn't sure where the voice came from, but when he spun around and saw her, his smile grew across his face. She walked closer to him, he nodded, turned to the gentleman running the game and pushed a few coins forward. The guy returned, handing three balls to Mary. "You must think you can do better."  
"Oh no. I haven't played a carnival game since I was a little girl." Mary raised her arm gently, tossing the first one with barely any strength and it rolled in front of her. "Well we don't have to tell anyone about our failures here tonight."  
"You haven't been taught how to properly play then." Matthew laughed, stepping behind her. He tapped her right arm, urging her to raise it.  
"Oh." Mary raised her arm, wincing as the pain stung in her shoulder. "Ow."  
"What's wrong?" He frowned, his hand moving slightly over her shoulder, his fingers grazing her skin.  
"It's nothing." She turned around, handing him the last two remaining balls. "You can take my turn."  
"Got it." He turned quickly, tossing them quickly, before turning towards her. "We are better walkers any ways."  
"I can't argue with that." She said, walking along side him. It was weird to walk by him. She felt so angry with him and yet, she wanted to talk with him and walk. A part of her wanted to yell at him and she wasn't sure why. She wanted to tell him to leave her alone, yet she approached him. She wanted him to go away and be right next to her at the same time.  
"So, what happened to your shoulder?" Matthew asked, handing a pound over to a man selling popcorn. He offered her some and she took a few pieces. "It seems to hurt quite badly."  
"It's nothing. Old injury." Mary breathed, taking a bite of the popcorn.  
"And you're wearing jeans in Downton Abbey?"  
"I'm evolving." She said quickly, walking along the street. Watching her boots with each step forward. "I own denim. Not a lot of it, but I do."  
"I like it on you." Matthew smiled, tossing some popcorn into his mouth.  
"It's not yours to like." She reminded him.  
"You're right. I'm sorry." He sighed, tossing a piece of popcorn at her head.  
"Matthew! Are you a child?" Mary gasped, a piece moving down her shirt, forcing her to have to shake it out of her sweater.  
"Maybe." He laughed, offering her more popcorn. "So, Carlisle…"  
"Here we go."  
"No, just curious. He didn't want to come?" Matthew asked, knowing Richard Carlisle didn't love his time at Downton Abbey, mostly due to him.  
"Well you surely can't imagine him throwing darts and eating popcorn, can you?" Mary asked, picking up a bottle of water from the ground and tossing it into a recycling bin. They continued to walk, heading towards the end of the harvest celebration.  
"It would be something." Matthew admitted, watching her as she walked alongside him. "Tell me something…"  
"What?" Mary rolled her eyes.  
"What is the old injury?" Matthew tossed more popcorn into his mouth as she took a handful too.  
"What old injury?" She frowned.  
"Your shoulder." He pointed, and she remembered.  
"Oh…I fell down the stairs at home. I was carrying some stuff and I was just clumsy." Mary answered, adjusting her sweater.  
"You don't do housework." Matthew laughed.  
"I do some! It isn't nineteen ten." Mary rolled her eyes as the harvest festival lights became further away. "I do some stuff."  
"Lady Mary." Matthew laughed.  
"And you do housework? Fix thing?" Mary teased as they walked up the road.  
"I'm capable." Matthew said proudly, rolling up the top of the popcorn bag to preserve it. He watched the way her low hair bun covered her neck. He couldn't get over how tired she looked. Granted she looked less tired then she did a few days before, but she looked different. "And do you get rest in London?"  
"Too much if you ask Carlisle." Mary sighed.  
"How so?"  
"Car…Richard thinks I am a bit lazy." Mary rolled her eyes and shook her head slightly. "He doesn't want me to work, but he wants me to entertain and become a mother"  
"Those aren't lazy activities."  
"I don't know." Mary sighed again, her steps slowing.  
"I've made you angry."  
"You didn't make me angry." Mary sighed as they began to walk towards Matthew's home. "My life makes me angry."  
"I'm sorry." He said as they approached his front door. They stopped and he leaned in the doorway.  
"Don't be." Mary smiled weakly, crossing her arms over her chest. She looked around his front door, noticing how empty it looked. No greenery. Isobel had moved up the road into a grand house and now it was just Matthew and his décor.  
"What?" He smirked.  
"No flowers, greenery…not even a door mat." Mary looked around, noticing there was nobody there to decorate for him. Or at least it seemed that way. "I hope your mother's annual floral's come back. It needs a woman's touch."  
"It does?" Matthew looked around, Mary leaning against the doorway.  
"Do you have a woman's touch around here?" She asked, knowing this wasn't anything she should be asking about. It wasn't her business.  
"No." Matthew laughed, stepping forward. "No lady."  
"Well that is sad. "She breathed, tilting her head up as he stepped closer again.  
"Quite sad." Matthew said softly, his fingers moving to her chin. He pushed a strand of hair from her face, tipping his head down and pressing his lips down against hers. He pulled away, their eyes meeting and for a moment she looked angry, but then she didn't. She moved her hands to his chest and he kissed her again, this time his hand moving to the back of her neck, their kiss deepening. She didn't protest, if anything, he thought she might be encouraging him as she reached behind her, opening his front door. As they stepped inside the dimly lit entryway and he closed the door behind him, he pressed her gently against the wall. Her hands moved around his neck, her body feeling warm against him. "Mary…"  
"Hmm?" She ran her hands along his chest, biting at his lip. She needed to stop. It was so very wrong, but she couldn't, as she untucked his shirt from his pants. In that moment, she felt something. It was wrong, but it also felt okay.  
"I miss you." He admitted, kissing her again and savoring the sweet taste of her lips and suddenly her moan sounded emotional. He stroked underneath her eyes, feeling a few tears that escaped her eyes.  
"Oh Matthew…" She deepened her kiss, but pulled away quickly as she took a deep breath and realized she needed to regroup. If she kept going, she wasn't going to make him stop and it was wrong. "I…"  
"I know." He pressed his head against hers, accepting that they had to stop. Their mouths were breathing heavily against each other, his hands moving over her shoulders. Her sweater had fallen off her shoulder. He wanted her with every fiber of his being. It was wrong. For so many reasons, but one thing was right and that was them. As he pulled away, his smile faded. Her shoulder was bruised and what he could see of her arm, was just as black and blue wit a little sheen of yellow. He shook his head, almost as if his eyes were deceiving him. "Mary."  
"Yeah?" She ran her hands over her warm cheeks, trying to snap herself out of it. Her hair was falling in her face and she pushed it back.  
"You…what's wrong?" His eyes narrowed and he began to look scared. "Mary what is going on?"  
"What?" Mary frowned, before looking at the entry way mirror. She straightened up quickly, noticing her injuries that were exposed. She fixed her sweater, covering her shoulder again. "I told you."  
"No…" Matthew shook his head.  
"Matthew…"  
"Those are not an old injury." Matthew said, his voice filling with concern. He pieced together that it wasn't a fall down the steps. He tried to come to grips with what he had seen, stepping forward. "What is this?"  
"Matthew! It's nothing." Mary shook her head, putting her hands up as he came closer. "I told you I was running up the stairs to get a sweater and missed a step."  
"No…no Mary." Matthew's voice shook, stepping forward into her hands. "You said you fell down the steps. You didn't fall or slip, did you?"  
"Matthew, stop it. It's an old injury." Mary insisted, her voice shaking as she began to feel panic.  
"Mary did he…"  
"Stop this!" Mary shouted, covering her face and walking towards the door. She began to panic, her skin feeling hotter than before and her stomach feeling ill. "I can't even believe you're trying to say Carlisle did this."  
"Mary, come back. I'm not…. I just want to talk" Matthew pleaded as she rushed to his door. She slammed the door open, immediately running out of the house, in a way that he had never seen. Mary didn't run. Not literally anyways. Except she was running and while she was starting to slow down, she was getting closer to Downton Abbey. She knew what was really going on, but to be honest it wasn't the business of anyone else. She was trying to do what was best for her. Right now, it was best to be at Downton Abbey. To get a break. The downside, was that she was realizing there were people who may have known her better than she thought.  
Her mind was a haze as she approached the house. She stopped on the front lawn, feeling ill. Her back was throbbing, her shoulder weak and her bruises managing to make her skin feel like it wanted to crawl off. As she entered the house, she ran up the steps, taking a deep breath, opening the door and slamming it behind her. She closed her eyes, leaning against the solid wood door and she heard a familiar voice. "Hello darling. I wanted to surprise you."  
Her husband was sitting in the armchair by the fireplace, holding a glass of scotch.  
XXXXX  
Okay guys! Sorry to leave you there! Hope you are enjoying the story. !


	8. Chapter 8

Matthew and Mary had kissed. It wasn't just a kiss. It was hungry and dedicated. He ached for her and wanted all of her in that moment. She was the most beautiful woman in the word. The most maddening, irritating, beautiful, smart and beautiful person. Inside and out and he wanted her. He wanted her bad. Then, something had happened. Her oversized sweater had fallen off her small frame just enough for him to see something he wished he hadn't. Or maybe he was glad he did. It didn't make any sense. She said she had slipped down the stairs, but then later she said she had fallen when going up her stairs at home. Why would she mess up those details? Why was she looking so tired, run down, and as much as he hated to say it, a bit cautious. This wasn't the Mary he knew. Or it partially was, but it wasn't really her. It was a different version of her. He loved the way she looked in those jeans and he loved that she looked so laid back. But then, something had happened. Her skin was bruised, her shoulder was hurting as she had indicated. Then he tried to ask her if he…if the man she was married to did it to her and she got upset. None of this made sense. He spent a day giving her space, trying to decide how to approach her. He had stayed in his bed all night, staring at the ceiling as he thought everything through. He wanted to believe that Richard Carlisle was an ass, but nothing more. He wanted to think he was misunderstanding it all, because the idea that someone would treat her so terribly, broke him. Broke him more than he thought losing her had. He had to speak to someone, so that is where he was off to. When he made his way to the big house, he waited on the front steps for the small blonde he had asked to meet. Anna Bates was close to Mary Crawley, her very best friend and he knew he needed to talk to her. After Mary wed Carlisle, Anna stopped by his house to check on him. She was the kindest soul and wanted to make sure he was alright. At the time he insisted he was just fine and wasn't bothered at all, but Anna and Tom made it clear they knew better. They made it clear that they thought Matthew let Mary get away. Even Tom proceeded to tell him it was a decision he was going to have to live with for the rest of his life. They convinced him and woke him up to see that he would regret letting her go and would spend a lot of time, wishing her had won her back. It was too late for her to be his now, but it wasn't too late to make things right. To make his apologies and maybe he could at least have his best friend back. He smiled as the front door opened and Anna waved him inside. "We'll have to talk in the library. Nobody else is home now, but Mary is walking with Sir Carlisle on the grounds somewhere. Hurry." "Carlisle is here?" Matthew frowned, rushing into the library as the petite blonde hurried into the room. "Yes, close the door." She demanded, rushing over to the windows to make sure that Mary and Carlisle were not outside the library windows. "They went out, but I don't know where they are walking to." "You walk quite fast for someone so short." Matthew said as she ushered him to sit down, her own body falling into the chair in exhaust. "Habit." Anna sighed, thankful that the family was out of the house on a day like today. "Anna when I called you to say I needed to ask you something about Mary, you said you needed to speak with me too and then you told me to come right away." Matthew thought back on the phone call he had with Anna earlier in the morning. She had given him so little time to talk and said she believed they needed to touch base. She said it was important that they talk today. "I did." She confirmed, pouring a glass of tea that Thomas had brought up for her on a tray. "So?" Matthew looked confused. "And now Carlisle is here." "Matthew, Mary would kill me if she even knew we were speaking right now about anything…like this." "Like what?" Matthew was getting nervous, noticing Anna's nervous voice shaking as she became quiet. "Anna…" "Does she seem different to you?" Anna asked, stirring the soft amber liquid. Matthew watched her face as she looked up at him, looking as if she was waiting for him to say he had seen something. "Anna.." "Mr. Crawley. I….I hope I am wrong. I just don't think I am." Anna said, her voice shaking as she sat her tea back down on the table. "When I saw Mary, I saw her body….parts of her body." "Her shoulder?" Matthew leaned forward, making it clear he had something to say too. "Lady Mary's shoulder is sore and its terribly bruised." "Her whole arm and her arms look like someone dug their nails into her." Anna leaned forward too, her voice getting excited. "Mr. Crawley I….wait. How did you see her shoulder?" "Her sweater was too big for her, slid off her shoulder for a second and when we were at the Harvest carnival, she did something to indicate her shoulder was sore." Matthew explained, leaving out the real details. That was between the two of them. "Mr. Crawley, I think she was trying to hide it. Well I know she was." Anna looked around the room to make sure nobody else was coming along. "You see, when I was helping her unpack I walked in and she wasn't expecting me to in that moment. She was bare armed and the bruises are all over. The cuts were pretty fresh, because some of the skin was still on them and when I asked, she got very defensive. Then she made it clear I was jumping to conclusions, but I don't think I am." "I don't think you are." His voice was clear with concern, especially as he heard Anna's side. "But it doesn't make sense to me. She's the same Mary, but she's far more vulnerable then I have ever seen." "Mr. Crawley, if Sir Carlisle is here now, it is going to be ten times harder to try and get through to her." Anna's voice shook, tears cornering her eyes. "But her arms, I've never seen anything like this before. I don't know much about any of that, but those were terrible." "She won't talk to me about it. I tried to bring it up." Matthew added, trying to remember back to the moment when he called her on it. "She panicked. That isn't Mary." "Mr. Crawley, I have something to tell you about Mary." Anna said quietly, realizing now it was the time for Mary's secret to be clear to Matthew. "I don't know if she loves him, but I know he knows a secret and he used their relationship to hold her to him." "What?" Matthew took a deep breath as Anna told him about the Turkish Ambassador's son and carrying the body back to bed. Anna went on, explaining how they knew it was a mistake, but since Downton was one of the last major estates, they had to protect the home and Mary. Matthew was devastated, listening to the words of what had happened, but for the sole reason that it impacted Mary and her family. Carlisle was holding something over his wife and now Anna didn't know what to do and she told him. As she finished the story, Anna wiped her eyes and looked up at him. Her voice was soft. "Mr. Crawley. I swore to never tell. Please…" "It's okay Anna." He took her hand, squeezing her hand. He knew how important Anna and Mary's friendship was, but the truth was they both had seen something they wished they hadn't. They were two people tied together by one secret for one person, who didn't seem to want them to know. "I don't know how to help her." Anna whispered. As Anna and Matthew sat in silence for just a moment, the doors to the library creaked open. "Anna!" Mary's voice came into the room quickly and they both looked up as she tied her sweater tighter, Richard Carlisle following her. She stopped when she saw Matthew and Anna, the color draining from her face. "Oh…Hi Matthew." "Mary…Carlisle." Matthew nodded, feeling his blood boil for a moment. He couldn't lose his cool right now, that wouldn't help anything and if it was one thing he had learned over the past two years, it was to move carefully and with a clear head. "Matthew." Richard let out a small smile, his eyes still stern. "Anna, Mrs. Hughes said you would be in here." Mary avoided eye contact with Matthew, her body tense as she stood in front of her husband. As Matthew looked at Richard Carlisle, he realized that Richard was bothered by him. He had moved right next to Mary, placing his hand on her back as Anna and Mary began to speak. Matthew wasn't even sure what Mary and Anna were talking about. He was solely focused on watching Carlisle. Just seeing his smirk gave it away. Richard Carlisle had no respect for his wife. His wife was the woman Matthew Crawley was still madly in love with and it made him sick, that it took this to make him see it. It took him too long and now she was in a situation, one he felt like he could have saved her from. He wasn't sure what he was going to do and he wasn't sure how he and Anna could help. But one thing was for sure. They needed to stop her from leaving with him again.


	9. Chapter 9

As Mary sat in the drawing room alone, she squeezed her eyes tight. Carlisle had been there for three days now and each night as they stayed in her room, they fought. They fought about her wanting to extend her stay in Downton, they fought over him wanting sex, which she gave in to and they fought about Matthew. It wasn't a secret that her husband was madly jealous when it came to Matthew. That was why they never stayed at Haxby. Then they just kept fighting. They were good at keeping quiet so those in the house didn't know, but Mary was tired. She couldn't remember the last time she felt alive or like she didn't need hours of sleep. For a short time, walking with Matthew or being at Downton without Carlisle, she got a glimpse of what it felt like to breathe. This morning she had woken up before the sun. She dressed herself, coming downstairs and realizing most of the house was still asleep. She had passed Mrs. Hughes in the hallway, speaking with her a moment before she told her she would come back with tea. Mrs. Hughes and Mary finally had a chance to catch up for a moment, but she returned to her work and Mary was going to try and relax for even a moment. Now, she was sitting in a room, trying to close her eyes when the door opened quickly and Carlisle walked in. "Mary, I have been looking for you." "Oh." Mary opened her eyes, sitting forward. Catching eyes with Carlisle who stopped, rolled his eyes and groaned. "What's wrong now?" "I didn't say anything." Carlisle rolled, his eyes, walking and sitting down on the small couch across from her. He reached for the newspaper on the side table, sitting back. "Is the tea water still warm?" "Yes." Mary sighed, getting up from the chair and grabbing the second mug on the tray. Mrs. Hughes brought a second cup in case her husband returned or someone in the family joined her. She was always thoughtful. "Here." "I don't like honey in mine." Carlisle said, extending his hand to reach for the mug. "Well it's a good thing I didn't put any in the cup." She groaned, thinking that her husband should know that she listens. He should know that she knows how to make him tea. "Mary, the harsh tone isn't needed." He added, taking the cup and sitting it on the side table next to him. "You don't need to be cross." "I'm not." She rolled her eyes, sitting back down in the chair, leaning her head back. She was going to tell him that she wanted to stay in Downton a little longer and try to urge him to make his way back to London. She would make it clear that she would come home, but she really wanted more time in Downton. "When are you heading back to London?" "I thought we would head back tomorrow." Carlisle closed the paper, folding it up nicely. He looked irritated as he pulled his phone from his pocket. Mary knew what he was doing, he was going to go ahead and look at the train schedules. That way he could purchase her ticket and she would have no choice, but to go along with him. "I have a meeting on Monday that I can't miss." "Well, I was thinking that I could stay here an extra week. Mama is going to be hosting a dinner for a BBC show next weekend and I imagine she could use an extra hand." Mary sighed, reaching for her own phone since her husband hadn't looked up. "I picked up your dry cleaning before I left." "No." Carlisle stood, shaking his head. "No, what?" Mary frowned. She knew what he was going to say. He was going to try to get her to come back with him early and she could. She could very easily go back to London with him, but Downton felt right. The people, the air and the environment all meant different things. Carlisle wasn't there, putting his hands on her until he was. "I think you need to come back to London, Mary." Her husband swiped through his phone, sighing as he browsed the train schedules. "In fact, there is a train tonight." "Well I don't want to go." Mary responded, nodding firmly. "I am staying and will buy my own ticket back when I am ready." "No, you will come back with me tonight." Carlisle said, sitting the mug back on the tray. "It's time you stop playing around and return to your life and your life is in London." "Richard, you're my husband not my handler." Mary advised, tightening her sweater across her chest. "Then stop making it the same thing." He snapped, before lowering his voice, leaning over to her chair. "Mary, I will not have you treating Downton like a playground. You're my wife and you'll be with me." "And if I don't come back with you?" Mary challenged him, feeling confident for a moment as she was seated in front of him. "You would be very sorry." Carlisle indicated, grasping his hand on her shoulder, digging his fingers into her sore skin as Mary gasped. He knew where her pain was and he didn't mind hurting her more. That made her shake, wondering why it didn't stop when she tried to put him in her place. Her father used to joke that her bite was worse than her bite, but now she didn't have much bark or any bite at all. "Mary, I think you know I am not willing to be tested. You're my wife, just remember that." "Well…" Mary leaned forward, pushing his hand off her arm. "How could I ever forget darling, you've left your mark." "I hate that I have to be like that Mary." Carlisle stepped back, placing his phone back in his pocket. He softened his eyes, running his finger over her chin. "You're the one who can stop it. When you act the way you do, it's very frustrating to me. You're my wife and its your job to behave as such." "Of course." Mary said, feeling the light touch as he leaned forward and kissed her, his lips soft but letting her know she wasn't in control. Mary was strong, or at least she once was. She would never tell anyone, but she was afraid of him. Terrified of every time he made it a point to touch her. Even when they had made love the other night, it didn't feel like love. It felt forced, like he had to prove he was in control. She had told him that she was still in pain from hurting her, but he didn't seem to care. He had reminded her that she was his wife. It was his answer for everything. "Well I would like to stay." "Mary, you can stay, but we will have a lot to talk about at home." Carlisle said, letting her know if he gave in, it wasn't going to be an easy situation. Mary watched as her husband walked towards the door. He looked back at her, taking a deep breath. "I would think very long and hard about the choice you make today." As the door closed, Mary's heart began to beat faster, but not in that exciting way. The other day when she and Matthew had kissed, her heart had pumped faster and there was a tingling in her body she had remembered from before. It didn't mean anything. That ship had sailed, but they had a chemistry that was magnetic and Mary knew that. It didn't matter. Mary was married and she had to think about that. She had promised her life and love to one man and that man wasn't Matthew Crawley. For the first time in over a year, she felt like her self for just a moment and then her husband had shown up and let her know he was in control. Something Mary once swore she would never give up, her control. Now, she would hate to admit it, but she was scared of Richard Carlisle. She wanted to stand firm and stay, but right now Carlisle meant business. He didn't show up, because he missed his wife. He had shown up, to make sure she knew he was in control and that she was there for his needs. Mary had never been terrified, but as she was reminded that her shoulder and back were healing too slowly this time, she was reminded of all the bruises and injuries she had been forced to cover up the past year. She felt safer at Downton, but nobody could know. So that meant being in London. She wanted nobody to know. Matthew and Anna seemed to be questioning some things, but she couldn't tell them. So, Mary was going to think this through and she would probably be going back to London today, or sometime very soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope you guys are still enjoying the story! Please comment and follow :) Your responses have been so kind and I can't wait to share more with you.


	10. Chapter 10

Mary walked into her bedroom to assist Anna. She had let her know that she would be leaving early instead of extending her stay and Anna had been disappointed. She didn’t want to talk about it, so she kindly asked her if she would mind helping her gather her things. Carlisle was irritated and decided to leave the house, advising he would come back in a few hours to collect her and the rest of his possessions. That is all she was. A possession to him. Anna was setting up the suitcase, not making eye contact with her. She knew Anna was upset, sensing things were wrong, but she didn’t want her to worry. If Anna was too worried, she would talk to her mother or Mr. Carson. She would even go to Tom.  Anna was loyal and trustworthy, but she also loved Lady Mary like a sister and would do anything to make sure she was safe and Mary knew that. So, she took a deep breath and walked towards the wardrobe. “Sir Richard is out for a few hours, scheduled us for the last train.”

“And that’s what you want?” Anna signed, reaching for Mary’s red silk robe.

“It’s what is required of me.” Mary sighed, reaching for her riding boots, running her hands over the leather as she remembered wearing them at the carnival.  The way Matthew’s hands moved to her face, entangling his fingers in her hair. He had always been so perfect when he touched her and she was reminded how amazing it felt. It was almost like she was being punished for kissing him. They had been together for a moment, his hands on her and her body had relaxed after a lifetime of tension. Then Carlisle was there. In her room. “It’s my life.”

“But Mary, it’s just clear that you’re not happy.” Anna finally spoke up, her voice almost more forceful than before. Anna was quiet and certainly very sweet. If her tone was like this, she had a reason and Mary was in fear that she was too in the know about what was happening. “I don’t mean to overstep.”

“You’re not, but you don’t need to worry. Everything is fine.” Mary cleared her throat, nodding her head in confidence. She opened a drawer to retrieve her underwear as she watched Anna go to the window and look out. A look of relief came over Anna’s face. “Anna?”

“Mary, I know something is wrong. Maybe you don’t want to talk about it, but something is going on and I don’t think its as simple as you’re clumsy.” Anna sat on the bed, which she never did unless they were gossiping or catching up after time apart. “You can tell me.”

“Anna, I think you believe I need help and I appreciate your care, but I assure you I have this handled.” Mary said firmly, her hand moving over her wrist. Carlisle had grabbed her again this morning, this time pressing down on existing bruises. She didn’t want to complicate things and she didn’t like people feeling sorry for her.

“Mary, if he’s hurting you…”

“Anna.” Mary put her hand up, moving to the other side of the room. She didn’t understand that Carlisle was not forgiving and she was better to stay out of it. As she reached for a sweater, she saw Anna was running her hands nervously over her wrist. Just before she could say something there was a knock at the door.

“I just got your message to come upstairs.” Matthew peered his head into the room, peaking in before Anna waived him to come all the way in.

“Now wait a minute.” Mary groaned, realizing now that Anna had told Matthew to come to the house, most likely after learning that Mary was going to leave. “You called him to come.”

“Mary, I just thought we needed to talk to you.” Anna said, her voice quiet as she gestured to Matthew to close the door. “We don’t want to corner you, but we just need to talk to you and we need you to listen.”

“Please Mary.” Matthew stepped further into the room, distracted for a moment by the suitcase on the bed. He looked at Anna, sharing a look of concern as they realized Mary was annoyed and feeling cornered. “Mary, you don’t have to go with him.”

“Not you too.” Mary groaned, running her hand over her forehead. “Anna…Matthew I appreciate that you guys care, but you’ve got it all wrong.”

“Do we?” Anna said in a voice that let Mary know she meant business. It was a way she only talked to someone when they got too smart with her or she was angry. “Or are we just willing to say what you won’t?”

“Excuse me?” Mary bit.

“Anna, can I have a moment alone with Mary?” Matthew sighed, his eyes warming as he walked over to Anna to lift a few objects that she had been packing. They nodded at each other and Anna smiled weakly.

“Of course.” Anna walked towards the door, stopping in front of her friend for a moment, she reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. Anna never wanted to or could hurt a soul. Mary knew that, but Mary wasn’t Mary anymore. At least she wasn’t sure that she could feel that way. “Just if you do anything Mary, please listen to what he has to say or at least try to. I’ll be in the hallway.”

“Anna…you guys have certainly overthought this.” Mary rolled her eyes, pulling her hand away as the room began to feel very small and Matthew kept his eyes glued on her. Anna left the room, leaving Mary and Matthew standing in front of each other. They sat there, silent for what felt like several minutes before Mary shrugged her shoulders and let out a deep sigh. “So, I assume you are here to tell me London is a huge mistake too?”

“No.” Matthew shook his head, the sharp rays from the sun shining through the windows.

“Well you’re here for a reason.” Mary crossed her arms. She stood there as if she was proud, her annoyance so evident in her face as she made it a point to show she was mad. “I mean you’re standing in a married woman’s room which seems hardly appropriate. What if Richard were to come in?”

“Anna is keeping an eye out for him.” Matthew responded, making it clear he couldn’t care less. “Let him walk in. I’d love to give him a piece of my mind. For a moment I would love to apply the pain he puts you through.

“Now stop that.” Mary pushed, her arms falling to her sides. “You’ve built a story, you and Anna. A story that says Carlisle is such a bad man.”

“Take your shirt off.” Matthew said, stepping forward, his voice firm.

“Excuse me?” Mary’s eyes widened, stepping back to avoid him. “Matthew, have you gone mad?”

“You don’t have to undress, just take the sweater off and let me see you in the camisole.” Matthew sounded almost angry. He didn’t let up, stepping closer and repeating himself. “Take it off.”

“Matthew.” Mary groaned.

“Take it off Mary.” Matthew demanded, running his hand through his hair and nervously tapping his foot. “If he hasn’t put a hand on you, you wouldn’t be hesitating.”

“I can’t.” Mary wanted her blood to boil as Matthew tried to insist, she remove her sweater. She wanted to push him away and yell and tell him to mind his own business. That was how she felt, truly. Then there was this part of her that was curious. There was a simple curiosity about the man she once loved. The other night when they had kissed, her body had felt such a way that it hadn’t felt in a very long time. They had kissed and before her sweater had slid, Mary had felt warm and content. Instead of cold and tense. “It’s not what you think.”

“Isn’t it?” Matthew asked, pushing a stand of hair behind her ears and smiling weakly and shaking his head. “Where are you Mary?  I don’t recognize you.”

“Matthew, stop.” Mary moved her hand over his, her eyes closing as their hands were pressed together. He didn’t let go, instead moved his hand that wasn’t with hers down to her sweater, pushing it off her shoulders. “No…”

“Mary, I’m going to look.” Matthew whispered in her ear, his hands tossing the sweater to the floor. He felt her shake a bit, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her cheek softly. He wasn’t going to let her go, at least not easily.

“Matthew…” Mary felt her eyes moisten as he held her close. He was going to look at her, hugging her first before looking at what Carlisle had put her through, but holding her close to assure her it was okay. She didn’t want him to see, but Matthew wasn’t going to back down after catching a glimpse a few nights before and unlike Carlisle, he wasn’t pushy or invasive. He wasn’t pushing at her telling her what her duty was. “I’m afraid you’ll assume the worst of my husband.”

“It isn’t assuming the worst if it’s the truth.” Matthew kissed her forehead, pulling away from her to examine her body. The bruise on her shoulder that caught his eye the other night looked to be fading a bit, yellow taking over most of the black and blue. Her arms, completely covered with the same colors, looking more like a water color painting then her normal porcelain skin. The small nail marks, were scabbing over but he could see what Anna was talking about. There was no other explanation. Richard Carlisle was abusing his wife. No. Richard Carlisle was hurting the love of Matthew Crawley’s life.  He ran his fingers along her soft skin, fixing the strap on her chemise, before gently turning her around. He stepped forward, placing a soft kiss on her shoulder, as to try to repair the marks her husband left behind. He then moved back in front of her, moving his hands back up and entangling them in her hair, kissing her softly. “Mary, I can’t let you go back with him.”

“What do you mean?” Tears streamed down her face. She didn’t want to speak, couldn’t speak.

“I can’t let you leave. He’s going to hurt you again and next time it could be so much worse than this and I can’t imagine what that is right now. You have to tell him it’s over.” Matthew’s voice shook, as she began to cry, her body shaking. He placed a soft kiss on her lips as she moved her hands to his face. She cried, kissing him back.  Their kisses were desperate, hers seeking comfort and his pleading with her. Pleading with her to stay. “I can save you from this. I can give you the life you deserve.”

“What?” Mary whispered, their lips separating. He kept his fingers entangled in her hair and pressed his head against her cheek.

“Don’t go back to him Mary.” Matthew kissed her cheek, pleading in her ear, his own voice cracking. He didn’t want to let her go, he wanted to keep her in his arms and she knew that. “Let me save you. Let me be the one to love you.”

“Because you can save me?” She wiped her eyes, pulling out of his arms and looking sadly at him. “Didn’t you know, Mary Crawley can’t be saved.”

“Just this once.” Matthew said, reaching for her hand, but she pulled away.

“I said I wasn’t looking back. I can’t look back and I can’t change it. I have to go with him.” Mary cried, shaking her head quickly and stepping away from him. “I have to see it through. I made…he’s given me a life.”

“And he will take it as quickly as he can. He’s taken so much from you already.” Matthew begged, before saying a truth she wasn’t expecting. “Mary, I know about the Turkish Ambassador’s son.”

“What?”

“I know what happened and I know he holds that over your head.” Matthew announced, trying to reach for her but she kept backing up, crying and shaking her head. “Mary it doesn’t matter.  Let me get you through it and let’s move on. We can move on, Mary.”

“Matthew, stop.” She almost shouted, her tears cracking in her voice. She kept shaking her head no as she backed towards the fireplace.

As she began to cry again, he tried to approach her, but then the door opened and Anna walked in looking terrified. She tried to assess the room before speaking, realizing that Mary wasn’t likely to give in within such a short amount of time. “Matthew…”

“What?” Matthew sighed, terrified that he wasn’t getting through to Mary as she turned and cried into the corner of the wall by the mantel. She listened as they spoke, but she couldn’t hear them. She wanted to tell them she could stay, that she didn’t need to go with Richard Carlisle, but she was so far gone. She wasn’t sure what was good, what was wrong and where the fine line of life and losing yourself was. She heard them talk and plead.

“Mary, Carlisle is downstairs.” Anna said, her friend’s voice cracked as she turned around to face her. Anna handed her a handkerchief, knowing that regardless she needed to clean up her face, or at least attempt to hide the tears. “Mary, please tell him to leave. Tell him we’ll help you collect your things and move you back to Downton. Surely, there is nothing so terrible he can do to make you stay. You’re afraid of him.”

“Me? Afraid of my husband?” Mary cleared her throat, dabbing at her eyes as she walked towards the door of the room. “That’s crazy.”

“Mary…” Anna breathed.

“What?” Mary turned around, reaching for an oversized cardigan and sliding it on over her wounded skin. Anna and Matthew watching in terror as she tried to gather herself together, hoping she would go downstairs and tell her husband it was over.

“Mary, let us help you.” Matthew offered, looking over at Anna, raising his hands in defeat. “We don’t want you to do anything for us except let us help. Let us get you out of this mess.”

“It’s my mess. I have to see it through and more importantly, I have to clean it up.” Mary dabbed the lace handkerchief at her nose, opening the door to her bedroom and closing it behind her. Matthew was persuasive, but she was so far gone and she knew it. There wasn’t a way for him to save her and they had once had their time. Then in his office that day, they had both made sure there was no going back and she couldn’t. She didn’t trust him the way she wanted to. The way when they kissed, she felt like they should have a chance, but it was too late. They made sure of it and now, she was off to London.


	11. Chapter 11

Matthew Crawley was not a man to feel defeated often. After Lavinia had died and when Mary had gotten married, he had felt something, but not defeated. After Mary got married, he realized a part of his own heart had been torn out, but he wouldn't say he felt defeated. He had been blind at the time, but now he was defeated. Two days ago, Mary had let him kiss her again and then left in tears. Hours later, she was on a train back to London with Sir Richard Carlisle. He, Anna, Tom and even Mr. Bates had sat in his den for hours in silence. They imagined the worst, Anna cried imagining the worst and Mr. Bates tried to be the voice of reason for them both. Mary was scared. He hadn't thought that before, but while he was in her bedroom that day and she cried, it wasn't anything short of fear. He wasn't sure if she was more afraid of Carlisle, or making the wrong choices. She was terrified of relinquishing her control, but she had done that already. She had made the choice to go with Carlisle that day and a better man would live with that decision. However, Matthew didn't feel like being the better man. The better man wouldn't leave Marks on his wife and that was one-person Matthew was better than. At least one he was confidently better than. He had come over for a drink earlier in the night and the rest of the family had gone to the drawing room. Matthew didn't want to be a downer or discuss much with the family yet, but he had gone to the library to sit in silence. He needed to think about what had happened and fully process it. It had been a couple of days, but he just sat there in fear without much additional thought. As he sat in the dark, sipping at his scotch, he heard the door open and saw Tom Branson walk into the room. "Matthew, I was wondering where you had gone."

"I had to think." Matthew twirled his glass, adjusting his jacket as he looked up at Tom.

"About Mary." Tom sighed, sitting down on an ottoman across from Matthew. Tom was no idiot and he just as well as everyone else wondered how happy Mary truly was.

"What was the giveaway?" Matthew asked as he thought about the cuts on her arms. The soft skin had been ruptured by a man who had been trusted to love her.

"Sulking." Tom smirked.

"I'm not sulking." Matthew said, sipping at his drink. Although he was, even the whole house had seemed to be a bit deflated. Matthew watched as Tom nervously stood back up, walking to the bar cart. They went quiet again until Robert and Cora walked into the library.

"Is everything okay?" Cora Crawley walked to the vintage sofa, followed by Lord Grantham. Her eyes said it all, she knew things were wrong. She knew it had to do with Mary. Matthew chalked it up to mother's instinct. "You guys disappeared and I was worried you became ill."

"No you weren't." Robert rolled his eyes, meeting Tom over at the bar cart and reaching for a bottle of whiskey. "You want to know why Matthew has been so secretive."

"Well, if he wants to tell us." Cora shrugged, looking over. She had a very warm heart, but Matthew was scared to worry her. "And I hope he will.:

"I think we all want to know what the hell I going on." Lord Grantham sighed, looking over at Tom and Matthew. He looked suspicious, but Tom and Matthew were sure he didn't know why. Tom wasn't even fully sure what was going on, except Mary was off.

"Something, surely with Mary." Cora sighed, her face growing concerned. "She's always been so tough and refuses to show weakness. I tried to get her to speak, but I couldn't get it out of her and then I couldn't get her alone once Carlisle had shown up. Matthew, did she say anything to you?"

"I don't…"Matthew stopped, unsure how to approach this conversation. Anna and Matthew had talked about involving Mary's parents, but there was no easy way to do it, especially while Carlisle was present. Now that Mary was in London and not answering Anna's texts, they were growing more and more alarmed. She was upset, so it was expected for her not to respond, but they knew with her being away from Downton and with Carlisle, they couldn't protect her. "She won't say anything exactly."

"But you and Anna suspect something as well." Tom added, straightening up as he looked around the room, before reaching for his phone. "She and I had lunch scheduled for a few days next month while I was in London and I just received a text today that something had come up. Matthew, I don't think you and Anna are the only ones who suspect something has gone wrong with her life in London."

"I'll admit I am starting to have my suspicions that they are unhappy, but please tell me if something is wrong. She's my girl." Cora pleaded, her eyes watering.

"How bad is it, Matthew?" Robert frowned, reading the room and it was clear everyone was in the same book and just needed to be on the same page.

"I was trying to confirm anything before acting, so was Anna." Matthew sat his drink down on the side table, wiping off some of the scotch from his lip. He needed to tell them, because he knew they had all the confirmation that was needed to say that Mary was in trouble. The problem was, Mary saw the trouble and wasn't letting them help her. "But I think we have all we need."

"Matthew, you know you have to tell us. I can see that you know." Tom pleaded. Tom knew his friend was in trouble and he could see in Matthew's eyes that he and Anna had tried to get through to Mary.

"Matthew…" Cora begged.

"Anna noticed it first. Small bruises, a change in her personality." Matthew began, choosing his words carefully. He didn't want to say anything too wrong or that would upset Cora further who was clearly panicking. "She tried to talk to her and she believed her when Mary had an excuse. It was usually she fell, caught her hand in a door or just that she bruised easily. Anna would ask and it always made sense. Then in recent months it, became frequent and when she got here. We both noticed."

"Oh my God." Robert went and sat near his wife, who was clearly crying now and it was so clear why she was upset.

"Anna and I both had some concerns, we know Mary." Matthew felt his eyes burn, trying to keep his composure as he spoke. "Even being out of her life for so long, she wasn't our Mary."

"I noticed bruising on her wrist at one point." Tom added, shaking his head. He should have known. They all should have known. "I asked her what happened and she said…"

"She slipped on the hem of her robe and slid down the steps." Cora sat up, wiping at her eyes as she looked over at her husband, pleading with him. "Robert, we have to get her out of there. I told you, our thoughts on Richard Carlisle were warranted. We never liked him, but we let her do what she wanted. But now, our child is in trouble."

"She's in trouble beyond what she can see." Matthew shook his head, pushing off from the chair. "We tried. When they announced they were leaving we cornered her, we told her…she went anyways. She said she had to."

"Well, she won't listen but we have to get her out of there anyways." Robert sighed, kissing his wife's head. "When is Anna set to return to London?"

"If Mary doesn't cancel her, Monday." Tom sighed, holding up the calendar on his smartphone. He slid it back in his pocket.

"I don't want Anna going, not alone at least." Robert instructed, reaching for his own phone. "I have a meeting that I can't miss and wouldn't make it out on the train in time and I don't think you should go Matthew. I think we need you apart of this plan, but we need someone else to go."

"I'll go." Tom offered, standing up towards Matthew. "I will go with Anna, in case Carlisle is there. If he's there or not, we need to go in and demand that she's coming with us. We need to remove her from the situation, she isn't well enough."

"What?" Cora frowned, her breath light. "What do you mean she isn't well enough?"

"I think Tom just means, Carlisle has done a number on her. She's timid, less spirit to her." Matthew cleared his throat, asking the next obvious, but still a bit concerning question. "And if they get her back from London, couldn't Carlisle just come sweep her up again from Downton?"

"He has a point." Robert sighed, running his hands over his face. Everyone sat in silence again, trying to decide what the next step would be. "We can't bring her here. He might come convince her to come back and its too easy for her to give in here. We must get her away from Downton and London for a bit of time. Out of the country would be better."

"Matthew should take her." Tom spoke up, to everyone looking up in question. "She'll fight it, but it's the best option."

"Well we should hope so, since they're the ones that should have been together this whole time." Cora sighed, looking apologetically at Matthew. "Matthew, I don't mean to make you feel bad, but I wanted so badly for you two to be together. A perfect match if there ever was one."

"Very true." Robert laughed lightly. "Nevertheless, we have to get Mary out of there."

"I could take her to Paris." Matthew spoke up, reaching for his phone. "I can rent a flat for a bit."

"That's a great idea." Cora exclaimed. "She'll fight it for a bit, but you guys looked to be having an amazing time at the carnival."

"We did." Matthew smiled weakly, remembering their walk and hungry kisses. He wasn't sure that this would happen easily, but he would do everything in his power and he believed given the opportunity, she would come with him. It seemed overly confident, but she had kissed him back each time, reacting to him and even untucking his shirt. That wasn't a small indicator. She was either starved for the attention or she missed him as much as he missed her. "But can we force her?"

"No." Robert sighed. "But I can talk to Murray about making it as quick as possible once we convince her."

"And Matthew, do you really think you can convince her to go to Paris with you?" Cora said, her voice hopeful.

"I can't promise, but I would like to try." Matthew and Tom exchanged looks.

"She isn't likely to want to go, but I believe she would go anywhere with Matthew." Tom admitted, exchanging looks with Matthew. When Anna and I ago, we will talk to her and explain that we have a plan in place. Robert will handle the logistics and maybe once she knows we have worked it out for her, she will do it. If she won't go to Paris with Matthew, we will find someone else to take his place, but I really think she'll go."

"Then once we have it all set in stone, we will send Anna, Mrs. Hughes and a few others to pack the remainder of her things." Cora nodded in agreement, standing up. "I will meet with Mrs. Hughes."

"Has anyone heard from Mary since she left?" Robert asked, heading towards his wife.

"No, she won't respond to a single message." Tom sighed, looking back at his phone.

"Anna and I both have had messages go unanswered." Matthew responded, holding up his phone, feeling a bit more hopeful.

"Well we need to establish a firm timeline and plan. That way we increase our chances of it running smoothly and just pray that we are effective." Robert turned back around. "I will see if I can get Murray over here tonight or tomorrow morning, Cora will talk to Anna and Mrs. Hughes. Tom, you see if you can at least get a thumbs up between now and going to London. She doesn't have to know the plan, but she can at least give a thumbs up that she is okay. Matthew, I will have Edith come find you after I catch her up."

"Got it." Matthew and Tom said at the same time and for a moment, Matthew thought things might be okay. Mary was stubborn, but right now she was so in over her head, she had no idea. He wasn't sure that the Mary he knew was there, but he had to fight for her. Not as someone who wanted to be with her, but as someone who loved her and wanted the best for her. Her family was amazing and he knew they were going to do all they can to help her. He just hoped they could help her. He hoped that Anna and Tom could get through to her. He knew deep down Paris was a long shot. It wasn't an easy plan. He wasn't even sure he was the right person to be taking her away there, but right now she needed to know there were people who loved her, who wanted the best for her and that he was one of them. His heart broke knowing how she had been treated and he hoped he was the one who could show her that she deserved more and maybe he could show her that he could love her the way she deserved to be loved.


	12. Chapter 12

Warning: This update is a bit more graphic and sensitive than others. But nevertheless, please enjoy the next phase of this story.

Matthew Crawley wasn't a great listener. Not even a good one. The well thought out plan was that Anna and Tom would go to London. Mary was expecting Anna for the morning and Tom was going to show up with her. At the very last minute, Cora decided to join them. She had said her gut told her that she needed to be there with Mary. Mary was her little girl no matter what and that she needed to show up today. They were to talk to her and explain there was a plan in place to get her out of London and at the same time, Murray would take his role as the family lawyer and present Carlisle with Mary's request to end their marriage. Nothing would be too official until Mary agreed on her end, but for now they needed to do something. They would urge her out of London immediately and Matthew would be waiting to take her to Paris. Anna thought it might be a bit romantic, but the right move. She needed to see that there was a life outside of this terrible hell she was living. Now, the plan was that Cora would call as soon as they had convinced Mary to leave. However, Matthew wasn't a good listener and he was parked down the street from Mary's home. Cora said he should still stay in the car, but now they were inside and he had no way of knowing how it had gone. They hadn't been inside long, but Matthew was nervous. Anxious and his hands were sweating. Would she be angry? Would she fight coming with him?

He was too nervous to wait all the way in Downton Abbey. Edith had helped him work out all the details of Paris, even working out how they could have grocery deliveries made to them. So, he would wait and then meet them at the train station, board the train with her and make their way to Paris. If she didn't want to take the train, they would get a flight. They had agreed that they would have to make an emotional appeal to her and Matthew would have to wait until he got the okay. Now, they had been in there for just five minutes and Matthew was having issues sitting still. He wouldn't try to go inside, because he already wasn't supposed to be nearby. However now his phone was buzzing, it was Cora. "Hello, Cora?"

"Matthew, come fast." Her breath was rushed her voice shaking and for a moment he believed she was crying. Her voice was panicked and there was a lot of commotion in the background and Anna telling Mary's name.

"What is going on?" Matthew reached for his keys, Cora's voice shouting orders to someone in the background. "Cora."

"Matthew, it's the house at the end of the street." Cora cried, before the line went dead. That was enough. Enough to make Matthew slam the keys into the ignition, barely checking for other cars before speeding off down the road. He would be there in just moments, slamming the car into park, ripping his seatbelt off and running around the side of the car into the sidewalk as the sound of Cora's voice demanded. When he ran up the stone steps, he heard Tom's voice.

"Mary, it's okay. It's going to be okay Mary." Tom shouted, his voice muffled and he assumed they were upstairs. Matthew opened the door to the home to find Anna running with a glass of water and a towel towards the steps. "Mr. Crawley."

"Anna." Matthew closed the door behind him, placing his hand on Anna's arm. "What happened?"

"We came in and couldn't find her. His car is gone." Anna had tears running down her face, urging him to the steps. "Then we found her upstairs in the shower. Come with me. Fast."

"Right…" Matthew ran up the steps behind Anna, nearly tripping over his own feet. As he rounded the stairs, he heard Cora shouting at Mary to stay awake and tell her something. Cora wanted to know something from Mary.

"Mary, where is Carlisle?" Cora shouted, as Matthew rounded the hall and made his way into the master bedroom. He looked into the bathroom, seeing Tom and Cora hovered over someone, who was curled up in the corner of the shower, the water must have been on at some point, because all three of them were wet. Cora turned around, revealing Mary who had blood running down her nose and the side of her head, the rest of her body beat up and she was sobbing. Cora looked up at him, her eyes red. "This is how we found her."

"My God." Matthew gasped, Anna pushing by him and handing Tom the glass of water. Anna kneeled on the floor, her friend unable to sit upright without help. Matthew had never seen anything like it, he felt his body begin to sweat as Tom jumped up, reaching for his phone.

"Matthew, keep her upright. I am trying to find out where the hell the ambulance is." Tom jumped up and Matthew replaced him. He reached for Mary's hand, holding her up as Anna wiped at her face. He had never seen Mary's skin look anything short of perfect, but right now her face was covered in dry and wet blood, her body a mess and her clothes stained with her blood and vomit. She was crying and all he could do was hold her up, kiss her hand and tell her it was okay.

"Mary! Mary!" Cora grabbed her daughter's face, pleading with her and pushing her layers back. Cora gasped, noticing there was blood coming from several areas and Mary's eyes were swollen, one of them almost shut. "Mary, where is Carlisle. Mary, darling. Where did he go? Tell me Mary. Mary please."

"Mary, let me help you get this off." Anna tried, pushing the silk robe off of Mary's shoulders as Mary cried out in pain. As she surrounded her hands, they looked down to see blood pooled where Mary was sitting and they realized they weren't even sure where it all was coming from. She had been hurt so badly and they weren't even sure on where to start. She needed a doctor, maybe more than one. Anna made eye contact with Cora, knowing there wasn't much they could do until she got help."I'm sorry Mary. I just want to help you get cleaned up a bit."

"They said not to move her at all." Tom shouted, turning back to the phone. He was desperately trying to get an exact time of when help would be there, all while answering the million questions the dispatch seemed to have.

"Okay." Anna pulled her hands back, reaching for a wet wash cloth. Anna was trying her best to stop crying, Matthew could see it in her eyes. They knew things were bad, but not this bad and he was pretty sure the two of them had never imagined this would happen. They never thought Mary would be in this situation and if they had, they pushed that thought far from their minds. However, now Mary was in the corner of the shower, and it could have been too late. Today was the day they could have found her too late. "Mary, stay with us. Don't go to sleep. Talk to us Mary. Where is Richard?"

"Stay awake honey." Cora ran a cloth over the gash on Mary's hairline, wincing as Mary began to get sick, clutching her stomach and falling to the side. "Okay…okay…stay awake. Darling, my baby…stay awake."

"Don't let her go to sleep!" Tom yelled, running back to them and pushing the phone into his pocket. He made eye contact with Matthew, letting him know he couldn't believe it either and that right now, Mary was the most important to all of them. He also looked enraged, just as Matthew did. They both wanted to hunt down Mary's husband, but that would fix nothing. Mary was in trouble and now they no longer had the option to 'try.' Getting her out of this life alive, was the most important thing right now.

"Mary, where is Carlisle?" Cora sked yet again, moving to sit next to her daughter, stroking her hair as they both cried and Mary continued to throw up. "Sweetheart, where is he? You need to tell us so we can get you out of here."

"Me…mee..." Mary sobbed, falling into her Mom's side, unable to speak. She was awake still, but lethargic and tired. Her frail body was giving into the pain and injury, Matthew just held her hand righter, kissing it every few seconds.

"Mary, don't go to sleep. Please." Nobody knew how long she had been like this, but they all knew she needed a hospital, a doctor and their plan for her way out. There was no turning back now, but their plan had one hiccup. They had never planned on her getting seriously injured in the plan's execution or dying from injuries sustained by her, because of her abusive husband. This was all supposed to prevent this from ever happening and now, he wondered what had been going on in the few days that nobody could get a hold of Mary. She was barely recognizable right now and Matthew was sure they all felt this way. Her hair was matte with blood, her skin bloody, bruised and any other color drained from her complexion. However, he would still know her anywhere, bloodied and bruised or not. Fair, healthy and calm. Matthew would not give up on this Mary or any other version of her. No matter what came. No matter what changed. He would love her forever and in this moment, everyone in this room knew that.


	13. Chapter 13

Matthew and Cora had been sleeping outside of what was going to be Mary's hospital room for what felt like hours. When they had followed her in, the emergency team had taken her over and eventually they came down to let them know they had a room for her and when she was finished, they would bring her up to the room. So, for now, they were sleeping in the chairs outside the room. Robert was due there any minute with Edith and Anna had gone back to the house to get stuff ready to go pack Mary's things. They didn't want to send Anna and Mrs. Hughes in without the insurance that it was safe. So, Murray was involved some how in that as well. He looked at his watch, then over at Cora who looked exhausted, her face stained with tears. He had seen Cora this upset once before, when her youngest Sybil had died during an auto accident on the way to her engagement party. It had nearly killed everyone, but somehow, they were still here and Cora looked terrified of losing another child. Matthew had draped his jacket over as she slept and now, he was nervously waiting. Every time a nurse walked by, an elevator opened, he wanted to jump up from his seat. He heard Cora shift, her eyes opening as she stretched her arm in front of her, looking at her watch. "What time is it?"

"Almost two." Matthew sighed, it had been several hours since they had all first arrived at the hospital and Mary was whisked off. He looked around, nobody headed towards their direction. "Robert should be here soon."

"He should." Cora sighed, sitting up and wiping at her tired eyes. "He left the meeting this morning as soon as he heard, but he stopped to work with Murray on the best ways to get Mary's stuff out without conflict."

"Any word on Carlisle?" Matthew sighed, immediately wanting to punch him in the face, not giving him a chance to explain. How could anyone do such a thing?

"No." Cora sighed, shaking her head. She took a deep breath, looking at her watch again. "I just want to see her."

"Me too." Matthew sighed, not wanting the last way he saw Mary to be the last time he saw her. He needed the plan to still work. He wanted to be with her alone, just the two of them. He wanted to make sure she was okay, then take care of her. He just needed to see her, to see her breathing and okay. Bruises could heal. Cuts could be stitched up, but Mary couldn't be replaced.

"Cora…Matthew…" Robert ran around a corner, nearly out of breath as Cora jumped up from her seat, running to hug her husband. "Where is she?"

"She's still with the doctors." Cora sighed, her voice shaking slightly as she wrapped her arms around her husband. He hugged her back, making eye contact with Matthew.

"Robert." Matthew nodded, as Robert stepped forward. "We haven't heard anything. The last we heard, they were taking her for a scan of the brain"

"Well, we need to talk before she gets up here." Robert sighed, pulling them into a corner of the hallways, his eyes on full view of his room. "What I am about to say, does not leave the three of us."

"What is it Robert?" Cora frowned, her eyes widened. There were not many more surprises that could hit today and Matthew was sure Cora couldn't take anything else. She was tired, worried and Matthew knew she would never admit it, but she was feeling ill from seeing her daughter in such a poor condition. "Robert…"

"Well Murray sent the investigator to Carlisle's office and while he denied everything…" Robert sighed, looking between the two of them and shaking his head. He just needed to say it. "Mary is pregnant."

"What?" Cora gasped, her hand moving over her chest. "Well she didn't say anything."

"Carlisle said they found out the night they got back to London." Robert sighed, his eyes worried. Matthew could see the worry in his face and Matthew felt a punch in the gut. Not that Mary was pregnant with another man's baby, but he had seen the condition she was in when he got to her house. He wasn't sure how Mary's body would have held up during that and it made him nauseas just thinking about it. "He said she confessed to cheating on him and that it wasn't his."

"Has he gone mad?" Matthew gasped, immediately wanting to run to that very office and put him in his place, his teeth grinding.

"Surely he is wrong." Cora rolled her eyes, leaning into her husband.

"Murray and the investigator believe he's lying, but he did have a picture of the pregnancy test and Mary holding it." Robert sighed, opening his phone to a photo. Mary was posing with a pregnancy face, almost looking excited, but the exhaustion and hesitant feeling was evident in her face. "He said when he left Mary, she complained about being a bit dizzy, but she insisted he go to work anyways."

"He's lying." Matthew gritted through his teeth, his hands moving to his waist. "She didn't get dizzy."

"I agree, he's lying." Cora sighed, her face lifting as three nurses pushed a hospital bed into Mary's reserved room. "Robert…Matthew."

"Mary…" Matthew ran, following them into her room as doctor's hung up an IV, plugged in monitor's and tended to Mary. He nearly ran to her, noticing the oxygen and tubes attached to her body.

"Doctor…" Robert breathed, trying to straighten up as the doctor walked over to them, meeting them back outside of the room.

"Dr. Hutchinson." The older man extended his hand, shaking each hand firmly and attentively. "She should pull through, but we have a lot to talk about. I know the tube can be alarming, but that is helping her breathe while we have her sedated."

"What happened?" Robert asked, just wanting straight answers from the doctor. Matthew couldn't stop staring at the tube going into her mouth, wondering if she knew they were all watching her. Wondering if she knew how badly he wished he could take her place.

"A lot of what you see on her arms, neck and head are cosmetic. She's bruised and those will heal. All in all, we ended with thirty stitches. Under her chin, part of her scalp, behind her ear and her hand. The wound on her scalp has led to a head injury. I am feeling confident that she will recover well, but we currently have her sedated to help her heal. She was vomiting quite a bit when she got in, so we want to just keep an eye on that. We'll keep her a few nights to monitor her."

"Is that all?" Matthew asked, hoping there was nothing else they needed to watch. Sedating her for a possible head injury seemed like the worst-case scenario.

"Unfortunately, not." Dr. Hutchinson explained, looking back at Mary. "Her body sustained a lot of trauma. The sedation will help with healing, but we have a lot to monitor."

"Is she pregnant?" Cora asked, looking at Robert for assurance. "We think she may be and we just want to know…if everything is okay in that area. Has she lost a baby?"

"She is pregnant." Dr. Hutchinson instructed, his voice calm and becoming more even as if he wanted them to know Mary wasn't out of the woods. "She's been experiencing some bleeding, could be unrelated, but could also be very related to this. It's substantial, but at this moment her pregnancy is still active."

"It is?" Cora asked, nodding for reassurance from the doctor.

"This kind of bleeding occurs in twenty-five percent of women and it can lead to a higher chance of miscarriage." The Doctor explained, before trying to give them some hope. "Given everything she has experienced, I will likely suggest bed rest for most of the first trimester once she leaves the hospital. She has a long road, but we won't give up on her. And don't be afraid to hold her hand, talk to her. She is sleeping, but she'll often be able to respond back with little squeezes. Hopefully we will have her up and the sedation removed sooner than later."

"Thank you Doctor." Robert said, as Matthew looked in on Mary. She looked so small underneath the blankets, wires and he just wanted to take this away from her, make her feel better. They all would give anything to make this better for her. Her and her baby. He watched as Robert shook hands with the doctor, before hugging Cora. They all exchanged looks, before walking further into the room. "I can't stay."

"Robert…" Cora frowned, taking his hand. "I know it's hard to see her like this but…"

"It's not that Cora." Robert sighed, acknowledging Matthew and Cora, but still staying quiet as to not let Mary hear. "Murray and the investigator are trying to work out the best way to handle keeping Carlisle out of Mary's life from here on out. He's a powerful man and I won't have him risking Mary's or my grandchild's life any further."

"He needs to be in jail." Matthew groaned, shaking his head as he sat on one side of Mary, taking her wounded hand. "Rot in hell."

"Robert has a point." Cora frowned, sitting on the opposite side of Mary. "He's going to buy his way out of it as he does everything else."

"So, what do we do?" Matthew asked, running his other hand over her arm, wondering how on earth she put up with Carlisle for so long. He looked over at Cora, she was doing the same. Wondering how someone so strong, so brave, had been placed into this situation and fallen to an evil man.

"I don't know." Robert sighed, reaching for his hat. "Surely we will find a way to make sure he is out of there lives, even if we can't kill them."

"Don't get carried away." Cora rolled her eyes, resting her elbows on the bed. "Just get her out of this mess."

"I intend to darling." Robert kissed his wife's head, nodding at Matthew. He leaned over kissing Mary's forehead, which you didn't often see Robert do. Except right now, like everyone else, he was scared. He left the room, leaving Matthew and Cora.

"She looks so tired." Cora sighed, resting her arm on the bed.

"She's been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders." Matthew sighed, stroking her hand with his thumb.

"Matthew…." Cora sighed, brushing hair from Mary's face. "I know you love her…or at least you did."

"She's….my great love." Matthew sighed, feeling his eyes water as they watched her chest slowly rise and fall.

"Then please tell me, you'll still take her to Paris. The moment she's ready, please let's get her away and to somewhere she can heal properly." Cora wiped at her eyes as tears came to them, threatening to fall. "I trust Robert can work out the details of getting a divorce going and I hope a baby won't change your willingness to take care of her. I want her away from all of the distractions and the madness to heal and clear her mind. I don't want him to try and convince her of anything else."

"Cora, I still fully intend to take her to Paris." Matthew smiled weakly, trying to assure Cora that his love for her daughter wasn't just a light passing crush. He hadn't had time to process the baby, it was too new. Mary was pregnant with Richard Carlisle's baby and that was nothing he had prepared himself for. She had said that they were trying to have a baby or she had said they were thinking about it, but now she was pregnant and it should scare him. It should terrify him and maybe it did, but right now losing her scared her more than anything. The idea that she could have left this earth in a split second, made him realize that he never wanted to spend another night away from her. He wanted to fall asleep holding her hand, kiss her awake, fight with her, make love to her and everything that came with that. There was something big he would have to think about. A baby wasn't a small detail and he wasn't even sure she felt the same, but he planned to spend every next day, letting her know how much he loved her. In that moment, he knew a baby was apart of the package and they would make it work.


	14. Chapter 14

The tube that had been placed in Mary’s mouth had been removed hours ago, but the let the family know that she was still under heavy medications and in time she may wake up on her own. It had been a full day and a half since Mary had been taken to the hospital and she had made great improvements. They confirmed with a third ultrasound that morning, that the baby was still there. Her heart rate was slow, but Mary was holding on like a champion. There were no further signs of any major brain injury and even her cuts were starting to heal. They did discover later on in the first day that she had an existing injury in her shoulder, but they would try to work it out with physical therapy before trying surgery after her pregnancy. None of that mattered for Cora Crawley. Her daughter was alive and everything else that came from this, would be worked through. She had lost a child once and she wasn’t going to let another just slip through her fingers. Matthew and Edith were off making adjustments to the Paris plan. That was being delayed until the moment Mary may be strong enough to go. No, she would be strong enough. She wouldn’t give up on Mary and she was showing amazing signs, proving that she could likely make a full recovery. For the last day and a half, she had held her daughter’s hand, only going to use the restroom but never leaving her alone. Robert, Edit and Anna had come for a bit over night and Matthew had just now left with Edit after holding her other hand. He loved her. She knew it all along and looking back she wished she had pushed Mary to leave Carlisle before they were married. Now things were complicated. There was a baby. However, Murray and Robert were working on a plan and she prayed, she hoped it meant they would find away that Carlisle would leave Mary and their child alone for good.

As she squeezed her daughter’s hand, Mary squeezed back. She had squeezed it back almost every time, making her and Matthew grin each time.  Some squeezes on the hand were stronger than others, like when Anna had shown up. Anna had tried her best to stay strong, but broke down when Mary squeezed her hand, Mr. Bates placing his hand on her arm.  Mr. Carson would come sometime today and she prayed Mary would be awake by then.  His heart would break and Cora thought if she saw him cry, it would break her. This had been devastating. Edith had cried when she saw her sister in the bed, tubes attached but was relieved when they were able to be removed. The moment they came out, Edith insisted that they make adjustments to the plan for Paris, never for a moment saying it could never happen. Edith took control in a lot of ways and Cora felt so proud of her middle child, being strong when they needed her. She occasionally would look up, slight little noises coming from Mary. Sometimes it sounded as if her mouth was dry, sometimes a little whimper of pain and sometimes she would just move her fingers without being prompted. Everyone was hopeful, but the doctor’s insisted she still needed to be watched closely.

Then there was the baby. The doctors had talked about heavy bleeding, but the baby was still there and they believed Mary was about six weeks.  That meant Mary was already pregnant when she had gotten to Downton Abbey.  She just didn’t know. Cora was pleased to hear that, but she was scared for Mary. Scared that Carlisle would power his way to her, scared that he would fight for access to their child or worse, harm them. He had already done a number on Mary. Cora and her husband would do whatever it took, to make sure that they were safe. Paris with Matthew was an amazing option.  The way he looked at her daughter, said it all. The way he looked even after finding out she was pregnant, told her everything she needed to know. He knew she was pregnant and he didn’t change the way he looked at her. If anything, he was scared for her.  Just like her parents were, but he was gentle with her, kissing her on her forehead before he left with Edith, pleading for an update if something changed while he was gone. He loved her and Cora always knew it, but now she was sure his feelings had never changed. That is something that the two of them would have to talk about. It wasn’t like Mary would just have a divorce and move on with Matthew.  There was a process, a recovery and now a baby. A child. Mary was going to be a mother. Mary had always talked about being a mother, but then her talk of it had stopped. It was as if she truly didn’t believe that she could be happy with Carlisle. She just went through the motions and now, that was something she was going to have to deal with. And if Robert had a word to say about it, Sir Richard Carlisle would never lay a hand or eye on his unborn child.

“Mmm…..mama….” A dry, raspy voice escaped Mary’s lips as she winced, her head moving back and forth as she struggled to wake up with tall of the cords attached.

“Mary, darling.” Cora jumped up from her chair, reaching for Mary’s hand and stroking her hair. “It’s okay…you’re okay.”

“Mama…” Mary coughed, before settling down and she calmed. Cora was hopeful that she was starting to wake up. The doctors assured her that she would struggle a bit, because all of the sedative medications. They assured Cora that they were monitoring the baby closely, but couldn’t promise that her pregnancy would remain smooth during this time.

“Mary, I’m here.” Cora bit back years, not wanting Mary to wake and see her cry. She wiped a tear from Mary’s cheek, which had happened quite a few times over night after they removed the tube from her throat. Mary would have stray tears wander down her cheeks, which the doctors and nurses, promised was okay.

“Mama…” Mary breathed, stretching the muscles on her face and wincing as the movement pulled at her cuts. “Ow.”

“I know.” Cora reached for a cup of water and a swab that they had used over night to keep her mouth from getting too dry. She dipped the swab in water, placing it in Mary’s mouth as she soaked up the ice-cold water. “That will help a bit. Don’t move too much Darling.”

“Mama…” Mary coughed, turning her face away from getting anymore water, her hand moving up to her face. “No more.”

“Okay….” Cora moved the cup back to the side table, before moving her hands to the side of the bed railing. She couldn’t help but celebrate Mary’s waking on the inside, but still feel incredibly worried. “Don’t move too much.”

“Okay…” She winced again, blinking her eyes open. Her left eye was black and blue, and she was immediately agitated by the light. “God…”

“Don’t move too much.” Cora reminded her, stroking her cheek. She didn’t want to risk her daughter damaging anything or feeling any sudden pain. She also didn’t want to risk anything for the baby. She couldn’t hold it in any longer, not mentioning it. She was a mother and she knew even if Mary forgot, she’d want to know. “They said the baby is doing okay right now.”

“Oh.” Mary nodded, blinking her eyes tiredly. “That’s good.”

“Mary, you’re pregnant.” Cora sighed, scratching at her head.  She wasn’t sure how to feel, but she hoped her daughter could indicate how happy or sad she should be. “If you were so unhappy…”

“It was an accident.” Mary swallowed, her eyes heavy. “I was taking birth control.”

“But you were on an antibiotic for a cut on your finger.” Cora sighed, pointing to a small scar on her index finger. She took a deep breath, “Lady Geraldine’s niece is a nurse here. She found out for me.”

“So much for privacy.” Mary laughed weakly, too weak to show much of any emotion. She took a shallow breath, looking up at her mom. “I didn’t want to get pregnant. I don’t want to bring a baby into this life.  The baby didn’t ask for it.”

“Neither did you, darling.” Cora wiped her eyes, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. “Your father is working out how to get you out of this mess.”

“It’s my mess. Not his.” Mary insisted, gasping slightly as she felt the urge to cry. “Oh my…”

“Sh…” Cora leaned over, kissing her cheek again, this time pressing her face into her daughter. “We should have seen the signs. They were all there Mary and you were so in over your head…we are helping. Your father is coming up with a plan with Murray, Carlisle won’t hurt you again.”

“Mama…it’s his baby. He said he doesn’t believe me but Matthew and I never…we kissed each other but we never…damn it.” Mary stopped, shaking her head and crying. Cora’s eyes widened, knowing Matthew had been here, but she was getting the idea that she and Matthew had bonded more than she thought during her visit. “It’s Carlisle’s, because I didn’t cheat on my husband. He thinks just because Matthew was around, but we didn’t…it’s Carlisle’s. There is no way to be free of him.”

“Your father and Murray will find a way.” Cora sighed, pulling the chair closer, holding her hand close. “If there is a way, they will find it.”

“Mother…” Mary cried, squeezing her hand. “I don’t…I told him I wasn’t happy. That I wanted to leave. I told him I thought he was unhappy too, that a baby didn’t need unhappy parents. That I could move back to Downton and he lost it. He thought I wanted to just get home to Matthew….to be with Matthew again.”

“And did you? Want to be with Matthew again?” Cora sighed, giving her hand a light squeeze.

“I just wanted to be back in Downton.” Mary looked away and Cora knew. She knew Mary wasn’t ready and that she was going to take some work in convincing to go to Paris. Mary was one to take the burden on herself and she thought for a moment, Mary may admit she wanted Matthew. Now, she was sitting in silence with her daughter as she cried until a light knock hit at the door.

“You’re awake.” Matthew Crawley appeared, holding a bouquet of red roses, walking over to the bed.

“She just got up, not too long ago. I haven’t even paged the nurse yet.” Cora let go of her daughter’s hand and looking up at Matthew. “I’ll go talk to them if you want to catch up with her.”

“Sure.” Matthew smiled, sitting the roses at the foot of the bed, giving Cora a warm smile as she clutched his arm tight, before leaving the room. Cora walked out of the room, pausing out side of the hospital room door to look back at her daughter. Mary was exhausted, traumatized and most likely bring completely Mary about a situation and trying to mentally take the burden on herself. However, when she looked back at her daughter, there was a man with her who looked like he was more than willing to take some burden on herself. She wasn’t sure either one of them was fully aware of what was to come, but the way Matthew looked her daughter, gave her goosebumps. She wasn’t sure why she had never paid close enough attention to it. But as he sat at the side of the bed, he was smiling, holding her hand and the way he looked at her. There was something there and she wondered, if they would one day make this all work.

 


	15. Chapter 15

***FlashBack***

_When she thought back on it, the train back to London had been quiet. Carlisle worked and Mary stared out of the window, watching the landscape go by and thinking about Downton. She had fallen asleep at one point, dreaming of being in her bed with Matthew.  They weren’t sleeping. It was a dream that left her waking up on the train with red cheeks a bit breathless and stepping to the restroom to straighten up. He made her feel safe. He made her feel like herself. The very thought of him made her blush. Now, as she was standing at the vanity where she did her makeup each day, thinking about Matthew’s lips on hers and the way they both hinted they wanted more. It was something that hadn’t occurred to her before. She had been so focused on Matthew and Anna trying to confront her about bruises, she had stopped herself from thinking about what Matthew did to her body. They way she hungered for him._

_It was wrong, she knew it. She was married and now she was married and pregnant with her husband’s baby. A little boy or a little girl would come along and as a mother, she should love her baby’s father. She should love the way her baby was created and the way love had created it. The truth was, her baby wasn’t created with love. She didn’t want to think about what her baby was created with or what went through her mind whenever she thought of Matthew. She should have been ashamed the way she longed to be alone with him again, letting him rub himself against her. With a baby in her stomach, it was wrong._

_Mary dropped her vile of mascara on the sink, her body blushing quickly as she reached for it and her husband stopped, walking by the bathroom. She stopped when Carlisle walked in, looking skeptical of her. “Are you feeling okay?”_

_“Oh, I’m fine.” Mary said, but she wasn’t. She was unhappy and if Carlisle acted the way he did, then he couldn’t be happy either. Happy husbands didn’t hurt their wives. She knew that much and she knew happy wives didn’t day dream about being intimate with their first love. Wondering what it would be like to find out she was pregnant with Matthew’s baby. So, she had to come clean. She had to tell Carlisle that she thought they needed a divorce and that they could part ways, giving their child a life between London and Downton Abbey. She wasn’t keen on him being around their child, but if they could part peacefully, they could actually find out how to be better people. Maybe Carlisle would change as a father. So, she was going to tell him right now, it was time._

Most of her body was in pain as he eyes opened again. She was sore, aching and still feeling all of these unfamiliar pains. She was nauseas, tired and she couldn’t tolerate the smell of a hospital. She wasn’t sure where her injuries ended and pregnancy began, but she was sure it was some sort of combination. The obstetrician came in earlier in the day and suspected that her nausea was pregnancy related as she was six weeks and a few days along. It was time that some of symptoms show and Mary was indifferent about it. She was pregnant.  Here was a tiny person growing inside of her. Over a month ago, Mary had been cutting a lime in her kitchen when she sliced into her finger. She drove herself to the ER, they put a few stitches in and gave her an antibiotic to prevent an infection. That was her mistake. In all of her effort to avoid getting pregnant, she had stupidly taken an antibiotic and she and Carlisle hadn’t used any other protection. Now, she was pregnant and had no idea what to do. Her mother and father were sure they were working it out to get Carlisle out of her life, but she didn’t have a lot faith, at least not in herself. Her child had a right to its father and while Carlisle wasn’t the man, she hoped he would be, she wasn’t sure how to get rid of him. Her mother seemed confident that they would sort it all out. Her whole family had created a plan, that ended with her going to Paris with Matthew and they had to be crazy.  A month or even a few months in Paris couldn’t take care of everything. She was improving and would likely still be pregnant, even though the doctor said she would need to take it easy. She would even have to have appointments in Paris and somehow Edith had gotten her a physician to take over while they were there. She would be in bed, but when they came back, she would still be pregnant with Carlisle’s baby. She would most likely be legally married and she had no idea how this plan would work. The very thought exhausted her. She was still sleeping a ton and it seemed to be something that her family talked about outside her hospital room or in the room while she was knocked out.

She ran her fingers over her stomach, where it was still too hard to determine there was a baby in there just by looking. Mary felt like most women felt an immediate connection, but Mary was lacking any connection to this tiny human inside of her. She didn’t realize that the door had opened until she heard Matthew’s voice. “Bored?”

“Bored and sleepy seem to be the same feeling right now.” Mary watched, as he reached into the hallway and returned with a few different carryout bags. “What is that?”

“Well, you haven’t been eating much.” Matthew replied, pulling up the rolling hospital tray to the bed and placing the bags upon it. He began sitting the food out and looked as Mary covered her nose. “Which bag? I will toss whichever one is bothering you.”

“Fish.” She put her face in her robe as he left with the dark brown bag, tossing it into the hallway. He came back in, opening one back and pulling out a plastic cup. “What is that?”

“Smoothie.” Matthew responded, reaching for a straw and unwrapping it. “I figured if we start with this, we can get some nutrients back.”

“We?” Mary watched as he pulled a second one out. “I’m the one eating hospital food.”

“I’ve been helping you. I ate your mashed potatoes last night.” Matthew sat down in the chair by her bed, putting his foot up on the bed itself.

“You said the nurse threw them away when I was sleeping.” Mary let a slight giggle out as she looked over at him. Matthew smiled wide, the first little laugh or smile that had fully escaped her lips brought joy to his face.

“Sorry.” Matthew smirked, sipping at his smoothie and gesturing to hers. “Drink your smoothie. You’ve barely touched anything.”

“Why is mine all green?” Mary inspected her drink, hers mostly green while Matthew’s was a tropical looking yellow. She smelled the one in her hand and it didn’t smell bad, but it definitely didn’t look delicious. “Yours looks different. Yours looks really good.”

“Yours has spinach and walnuts.” Matthew explained, as she looked disappointed. “What? There is fruit in it too and the girl said this was good for pregnancy.”

“Okay…” Mary was hesitant, then took a big sip.  She stirred the straw a little, before taking another sip to let the taste sink in. “Actually, it’s quite good.”

“We’ll have to find a good place for me to pick you up some smoothies in Paris.  I think it’s a good way to make sure that you’re getting extra nutrients.” Matthew said, pointing to the other bags. “We also have sandwiches, soup and muffins.”

“Thanks.” Mary took a deep breath, watching as he picked up his phone. He talked about Paris and she wasn’t sure how to feel. They hadn’t talked about the baby much, but then there he was saying he bought her a smoothie that was supposed to be good for pregnancy as if it was okay. As if it was his job t make sure her baby was well taken care of. He had made this plan with her family before he knew she was pregnant with another man’s baby.  It had to be a distraction for him and it had to take away from his interest. Matthew was a man who wanted to start his own life and maybe before this had occurred, they both had thought in the back of their minds they could have a second chance. Now that wasn’t the case. He didn’t deserve to inherit the baggage she came with and she wasn’t about to put any of that on him.  She had no idea if anything ever would have developed between them, but she needed to cut him free now and make it clear he shouldn’t have any guilt about backing out of the plan he made with her family. “Matthew, about Paris.”

“Yeah?” He locked his phone, sitting up in his seat and frowning as she looked down at her body in the bed. He jumped up, moving to adjust her blankets. “Are you uncomfortable?”

“Not any more than usual.” Mary said, moving her hand over his, pushing his away from her. “Matthew stop. It isn’t right. It certainly isn’t fair.”

“What’s wrong, Mary?” Matthew moved the food tray out of her way as she shifted in the bed to sit up. He moved a pillow behind her, before looking to the buttons on the bed. “Don’t sit up too fast. The doctor said you could still be a bit weak.”

“Stop it Matthew!” Mary groaned, raising her voice him. He pulled back and she lowered her head to her hands and began to cry. She began to sob, her body shaking lightly and she felt his hands move around her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Matthew.”

“Hey.” He frowned, sliding onto the bed beside her, helping her slide over without causing her too much pain or pulling at her IV. For the first time since she had been in the hospital, he was getting rather close to her, but it wasn’t to kiss her or beg her to stay. He was simply coming to lie down in the bed, wrapping his arms around her. Not in a particularly romantic way, but in a way that made her feel like he was her friend, trying to reassure her of something. “What on earth could you possibly be sorry for? None of this warrants an apology from you.”

“You have nothing to do with this. You’re a man with a good heart, but you didn’t sign up for this.” Mary cried. She didn’t want him to say goodbye, but she didn’t want to keep him tied to a plan that wasn’t his responsibility. “You don’t have to take me to Paris. I can go alone or I could just stay at Downton.”

“No, you won’t.” Matthew kissed her head, reaching for her hand. “Mary…I am going with you. We will go for at least a month, but we can feel it out. If it’s working for us to be there together, we will stay and let you be there. If its not, I will personally bring you home.”

“Matthew.” Mary sat up, looking at him with tears in her eyes. She couldn’t look him the eyes, his eyes were warm and welcoming and it made her feel guilty as she looked down at her hands. “Matthew, I can’t….I won’t be the reason you miss out on your life.  Maybe you had a different idea in mind before you guys found me the other day, but now…”

“Mary, stop.” Matthew sighed, moving his hands to her face. “I want to be here.  I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

“I’m pregnant.” She cried, watching as he took a deep breath, sitting back on the bed. He moved his hand to her arm as she moved her hand over her stomach. She began to sob, unable to stop her body from shaking as she felt pain with each breath. She couldn’t stop as Matthew pulled her down to him, holding her close as she cried. He wasn’t getting it. “Matthew, if you think that this means there is a future for us, it can’t. I’ve ruined us. It can’t happen for us.”

“Why not?” Matthew sighed, running his fingers through her hair. She would have fought being in his arms, but she was tired and he held her in a way that made all of this seem like for a moment she wasn’t in over her head. He stroked her hair, kissing the side of her forehead. “Why can’t it mean anything for us?”

“I’m pregnant.” She said again, trying to make it clear to him that this was important. The night when she had told Carlisle that she wanted to end their marriage, a small part of her thought Matthew was responsible for feeling brave. The way he kissed her even when she was scared, made her feel like it was okay. It made he think that she could do anything and figure out details later. “I’m going to have a child. None of this is what you thought might happen when I came back to Downton.”

“I know. I didn’t even think I would ever kiss you again.” He whispered and she leaned into him. As she kept crying, he just stroked her back and listed to her cry. Then he shifted, facing her. “That doesn’t change the plan. We will go to Paris and get you away from here.  Your father is working out the details to rid your life of Carlisle.”

“No, you don’t get it.” Mary pushed away, wiping at her face, trying to find the energy to push away, but she just stayed pressed against him. “I finally tried to get away and I’m having his child. I won’t ever be free of him. I will always have a child by another man and for you or any other man… you shouldn’t have to be apart of this plan. This isn’t what you signed up for.”

“Mary, you’re not making sense, but I think I know what you’re trying to say.” Matthew sighed, reaching for a box of tissues. She knew he was trying to keep her calm. Her blood pressure and heart rate were being highly monitored, but she was trying to get through to him. For a moment her bravery towards Carlisle had come from the way Matthew made her feel. She had sat in her bed that night before, thinking about the way his lips felt on hers and the way she felt when he was breathing against her. Now, she was lying in a hospital bed, trying to recover from what he did to her and trying to tell Matthew he wasn’t tied to her in any way. “Mary, none of us expected you to be pregnant. That was a wrench in the plan, but it doesn’t mean it’s a curse. We wanted to get you out of your situation, but the things I said about giving you a life when I last saw you…that hasn’t changed. My wanting to make you happy, hasn’t changed. You being pregnant doesn’t change that. It means there is something else that I care about. That just means there is someone else a part of the plan and I can accept that.  If a baby or a child comes with you, I am ready. Someone so small, they need us to fight for her. Or him.  That is what I will do.  Let me worry about it, not you.”

“But its not your job to take care of my baby, even if we can force Carlisle out of my life.” Mary cried, clutching her stomach. “I should have taken better care. I should have prevented it. So I am to worry about my baby, not you.”

“Well, we can’t think about what you should have done. You did your best, but I can do my best to show you how bad I want you.  I want all of you and everything and everyone that comes with you.” Matthew moved his hand over hers, forcing her to relax a bit. She felt like he was a security blanket of sorts, his body calming hers as she cried. “Now there is a baby. So, you, that baby and I will make our way to Paris, giving you time to recover and maybe grow a healthy and happy baby.”

“You know you could walk away?” Mary asked him, their eyes meeting. “You can back out.”

“You couldn’t ever convince me.” Matthew admitted, clutching her hand and pressing his head against hers. She took a deep breath, trying to slow her tears as he kissed her forehead. “We can work out the details later. If you want to take this further than friendship that is exactly what we will do, but I am here and that won’t change.  Baby or no baby. There just happens to be a baby and that is a part of you. But we don’t have to worry about that right now. I can be your very best friend and when you’re ready, we can talk about more.”

“Even with a baby?” Her eyes were stained from her bruise and flowing tears. “By another man.”

“Baby and all.” He smiled, kissing her head again and she leaned into him. She wasn’t done crying. She continued to cry into his side as he held her. He was an amazing man, everything she knew and more. She wasn’t sure he would ever be thrilled about her having a baby by another man, but she did feel like he understood that she wasn’t in a place to make any choices to do more than just be friends. For now, he wanted to help her escape, to get better and do what was best for her child. She could appreciate that. She could love that. She could want to be with someone that wanted the best for her. It would take ages before she knew what she wanted from Matthew. One day when she was ready to talk, they would talk about being more than friends. She was sure once he realized really what it meant for her to have a baby and for her to be tied down, he would change his mind. For now, she would appreciate him and if he wanted out, she would leave the door open for him to go. Her baby was not his responsibility.

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

Matthew had gone back to Downton Abbey for a night, so that Mary could rest and he could get some work done.  Fortunately, he would be able to work while they were in Paris, but he wanted to fix a few things before he left, tying up some loose ends on some open cases. He had returned with an overnight bag, snacks for the hospital room and cookies that Daisy had sent. Now he was making his way back into the hospital, smiling when he saw a text from Anna asking where he was, because Mary was asking. He knew the fears Mary had, even if she would never fully admit it. She had danced around her fears, but he understood. The truth was, seeing her damaged and in need of medical care was the worst thing he had ever viewed in his life. Carlisle could have killed her and knowing that, made every other question easy. While right now they would be officially friends, she was the love of his life. He would love her and all of her. It wasn’t a question for him that he would care for her and her baby. He was all in and there was no way to change that. He texted Anna that he was on his way up, letting the doors close to the elevator. His arms were full, but it didn’t matter. The doctor said Mary would likely be there a few more days as he didn’t feel comfortable with her leaving just yet. He had been there with her every night and when Anna offered to stay by her side for the night, Mary encouraged him to go have some time to himself. Now, he was on his way back, excited to just see her. As he got off the elevator, he noticed Robert getting off of a call turning towards the hospital room, but stopping him when he saw Matthew. “Robert!”

“Matthew.” Robert smiled, holding up his phone. “I just got off the phone with Murray. Let’s go talk to everyone.”

“Good news, I hope.” Matthew followed Robert who was walking quickly. Matthew wasn’t sure what had occurred on the call, but Robert was rushing to the hospital room, causing Anna, Cora and Tom to jump up from their chairs. Matthew made eye contact with Mary whose hair looked like it had been washed, a braid hanging down the side of her shoulder and he leaned against the doorway.

“Robert, what is going on?” Cora stood, her eyes alarmed as Robert urged Matthew into the hospital room and closed the door behind him and closing the blinds to the room. “Robert!”

“I just got off the phone with Murray and he had great news.” Robert turned around, his scarf almost falling off the side of his coat as he walked towards Mary. He was smiling, excited and still trying to catch his breath.

“Breathe Lord Grantham.” Anna laughed, walking around the side of the bed, offering to take his coat. She took his coat, sitting it on the chair with the rest of the jackets before moving back to Mary’s side.

“Carlisle has agreed to a divorce and to sign an agreement to never come in contact with your or the baby again.” Robert said, clapping his hands together.

“Thank God.” Cora breathed, her hand moving over her chest. She stepped to Mary’s side, taking her hand. “So how did you do it?”

“Yes, what happened?” Tom asked, leaning against the wall.

“Well, Murray and the investigator found out several things about your husband. We should have hired an investigator before you were married, but that’s too late now.” Robert explained. “Well the details are quite tricky, but it appears your husband was acquiring these businesses in a way that could be frowned upon.  Murray confronted him, saying that we wouldn’t have you associated with his business deals. As it turns out, Richard Carlisle isn’t just a coward, he shakes at the very thought of jail.  Apparently he’s done enough to land himself quite the sentence.”

“So it was that easy?” Mary asked, looking up at Matthew.

“Not exactly.” Robert sighed, his smile fading a bit. “You see his lawyer came back, accusing you of cheating and the baby not being his.  Now, we all know that to be false.”

“It is false.” Mary gasped, wincing as she touched her head. She was healing nicely, but her body was still sensitive as the skin wounds healed. Still, Matthew just wanted to look at her, but he made a point to pay attention to Robert.

“Mary, we know. Don’t get worked up.” Cora sighed, stroking her daughter’s cheek. “The doctor’s said its not good for you or the baby.”

“I know…it’s just so silly.” Mary groaned, her face showing how irritated she was. “I don’t want him to have access to my baby, but I don’t want him to spread likes either. It’s silly.”

“It is, but after Murray and the investigator uncovered some other complicated details you don’t need to concern yourself, they were able to get Carlisle and his legal team to agree and sign an official document stating that he would not step into the baby’s life at any time or try to assume the role of father on the birth certificate.” Robert sounded relieved, as he explained a few additional details about what had happened, but then he added that there was a downside. “Now, unfortunately this means you won’t leave the marriage with any of his money. He agreed to all of this if your pre-marriage agreement was nulled.”

“I don’t care about his money.” Mary insisted, holding her stomach. “I don’t want my child around him at all.”

“You’ll get that and I will leave the specifics of his business dealings under wraps. The less you know the better.” Robert sighed, looking over at Matthew. “Murray and Carlisle’s attorney are working out the documents, but he is agreeing to surrender any opportunity to play the role of the child’s father. The only way he could get to be involved is if the child sought him out at the age of eighteen.”

“So she’s free of him?” Anna asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“It could take a few months before it is all completed and the ink is dry, but yes. Mary is free of Richard Carlisle, but we will keep you in Paris until we its finished.” Robert grinned, wrapping his arm around his wife. “Your baby, our first Grandchild, will be safe and so will you.”

“That’s great news.” Tom smile, clapping Tom on the back, before thinking to himself for a moment. “What happens if he tries to contact her?”

“Murray wouldn’t say, but he said it would end with Carlisle’s business dealings being completely exposed. Not by us, with another party and that risks him going to jail.  Murray said he was completely panicked by the thought.” Robert said with relief, before turning to his daughter. “Mary, if there is paper work it will be forwarded on to you in London, but I don’t want you back in this country until its all settled. I want you safely resting in Paris.”

“And my divorce…the papers…” Mary frowned, her concern for her reputation on her face.

“It will just look like a mutual decision. If he speaks out, that is on his own choices. Nothing prohibits that. He just can’t contact you or the baby. He doesn’t want a trial that would come with a restraining order.” Robert added, clutching his wife. “I know a divorce isn’t what you wanted when you started this. It isn’t what your mother and I want for you. But now, lets focus on Paris.”

“The doctor is confident that she should be able to be released by tomorrow evening.” Cora said cheerfully, stepping away from her husband. “Edith is in Paris right now, getting the flat ready for them. It will be a very comfortable place for Mary to rest and call him for a bit. Matthew, Edit said the office is quite nice.”

“Perfect. Give her my thanks.” Matthew nodded as they all felt a bit of relief. Everyone had been a bit nervous, wondering if they would be able to get Carlisle away from Mary, but this was good news. He would breathe easier once Mary was in Paris and then again once the paper work was final. For now, he was comforted knowing they would get her away soon. “How are you feeling?”

“Alright.” She nodded, stroking her stomach, but she seemed to be in a bit of shock. Her bruises were still defined, her eyes still clearly wounded. “And when we leave here…Paris is ready?”

“It would be perfectly suitable for you to be there now, Edith is just making sure it’s a little bit more like home.” Cora grinned, handing her daughter a cardigan from the chair next to the bed.

“Tell her thank you for me too.” Mary smiled tiredly, taking the sweater.

“Well, maybe we should let Mary get her rest.” Tom straightened up, handing Anna her purse. “Let’s keep the doctor wanting to release her tomorrow.”

“Tom is right.” Robert nodded, leaning over to kiss his daughter’s forehead before giving Matthew a handshake. “Get some rest Mary.”

“I’ll try.” She said, lifting her cheek as her mother gave her a soft kiss.  She looked down at her stomach, biting her lip as she thought to herself for a moment. “Thank you all. For helping me. You’ve put your lives on hold and I know it’s not been easy.”

“We are happy to take care of you Mary.” Anna smiled, walking to the door with Tom. “Get some rest now. You could be on your way out of here tomorrow.”

“Of course. Bye Anna. Bye Tom.” Mary waved as her friends left the hospital room. She looked up at her father, smiling warmly as Matthew watched. “Thank you, Papa.”

“Of course, dear girl.” Robert smiled, waving for Matthew to join him outside of the room. Matthew made his way into the hall, looking as Cora spoke with Mary, saying their goodbyes. “Matthew.”

“Yes?” Matthew stood in front of Mary’s father.

“I know you say you have no hesitations about taking Mary to Paris.” Robert said, his voice soft so Mary wouldn’t hear a word. “What her life has become, its complicated. It isn’t an easy life to just jump in on and play the hero and I am so grateful to you. You’re putting your life on hold for Mary and I know that’s difficult. You’re a great friend.”

“Robert, I know you are grateful. However, I think I should be upfront with you.” Matthew explained, looking back at the woman in the bed, before he looked at Robert. “I know this isn’t the time and I in no way intend to mess with Mary’s recovery or complicate her life, but I love her. She knows I am perfectly okay being just her friend right now, but I want to make her happy.”

“My. You have no idea how I had hoped things would work out for you guys, before all of this happened.” Robert laughed.

“And now?”

“Well, down the road it is something she may be able to think about, but she’s pregnant with another man’s child and that can’t be an easy undertaking.” Robert reminded him.

“It isn’t, but would it be any different if I was starting to date her and she had a child already?” Matthew asked.

“You have a point, but lets just wait on making any steps.” Robert sighed, still clearly happy. “Carlisle did a number on her and I just want to make sure she’s her again before anything else changes.”

“Robert, I fully agree with you.” Matthew sighed, stepping forward. “But I made a mistake with Mary. I could have saved her from all of this, so now I won’t waste time away from her. I want to be in Paris with her and take care of her. I will make sure she’s on bed rest until they clear her and I won’t let her stop taking it easy.”

“Thank you.” Robert sighed as Cora walked out of the room. “Anyways, I will let you get back in there with her.”

“We will.” Cora grinned, hugging Matthew. “She asked me to make sure you stopped back in as if you were going to just leave her for the night.”

“I’ll get back in there.” Matthew smiled, turning away, feeling like he at least got something off of his chest by letting her father know, he wanted her.

“And Matthew.” Robert called out as he and Cora walked to the end of the hallway. Matthew turned around, his hand on the wall. “You’re not the only one who wishes they had done something to change things. To stop her from marrying him.”

“I know.” Matthew sighed, smiling weakly at her parents before they walked out of sight. With that, he walked into her room, smiling as she was looking at the new copy of vogue that Anna brought her. Looking at her never got old. He was of course, tired of looking at the cuts and bruises, because they were a reminder of the terrible things that had happened to her, but she was beautiful and one day he promised himself he would tell her how beautiful she was every day. “Anna Wintour herself, would be so proud.”

“New issue.” She held it up, showing him the cover with some actress he had seen in a movie once or twice. She had nothing on Mary Crawley. She shifted her legs over as she had every time he came to sit by the bed, patting the bed space next to her. “Are you going to sit?”

“Sure.” He smiled, reaching for his latest Grisham novel and sliding down onto the bed. He got comfortable next to her, covering his legs with the comforter Anna had brought from home once she complained about how cold she was. He watched as she went back to reading her magazine, only stopping to push the braid back over her shoulder and he knew he needed to stop looking at her. He was constantly amazed by her, watching as she moved a hand over her abdomen. He wasn’t sure she even realized when she did it, cupping her stomach to just make sure it was still there. Almost like she was telling her baby, stay where he or she was. Whenever she did it, her facial gestures altered a bit, looking for confirmation. He wanted to take her hand and tell her he would put his hand there, just to keep watch for her. Instead, he smiled and looked back to his book.  He didn’t want to push her; a lot had happened. Now, he was just here for both of them.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

As the cab pulled up to the Paris flat, Matthew signed the receipt for the driver and Mary sat back, her head in the air as she tried desperately to breathe in and out of her nose. In and out. The hospital had made the decision to keep her a few additional days as the morning after the news about the deal with Carlisle, she had started becoming violently ill. The doctor’s felt it was important to make sure that it was related to her pregnancy instead of her injuries. She understood, but now she was happy to be free of her hospital room and out in the fresh air. She was happy to be wearing something other than a hospital gown or nightgown. She wasn’t one to wear anything too casual when she was out and about, it wasn’t her thing. Except Anna had handed her a set of leggings, a long sweater and a pair of Cole Haan open tie booties. She was grateful and according to Anna, she had packed most of that stuff for Paris and a smaller selection of her normal clothing. At first, she groaned about it, but then she was reminded that she would be resting and this trip to Paris wasn’t so much about Paris itself. That being said, she secretly hoped she would have the chance to get out and about, maybe pop on a light dress or a pair of jeans. For now, she was trying to breathe in and out as Matthew opened the car door, popping his head in and extending his hand. “Mary.”

“Yeah…” She opened her eyes, putting her legs out the door as Matthew held her steady and she stood up. She had been a bit dizzy and the hospital had prescribed her medicine for her morning sickness. Except it wasn’t morning sickness, it was all day. All day for the last two days Mary had been incredibly ill. The hospital doctors determined that it was officially her first major sign of pregnancy. The first sign had been her breasts hurt terribly and immediately felt too small for her bra, which had led her to taking the pregnancy test about two weeks before. Now, she was a little over seven weeks pregnant and every smell sent her body into confusion. As Matthew told her to stand on the sidewalk, he made two trips to lift their last remaining luggage into the flat. Edith, Mrs. Hughes and Thomas had moved a ton of luggage into the flat already, they just had their remaining bags from the hospital and a few additional items Anna and his mother packed for them. “Is this it?”

“It is.” Matthew ran down the steps, extending his arm for her to loop hers in and walk with him. “Edith said the bed is ready for you, extra pillows, magazines and some stuff to get you through.”

“Get me through?” Mary questioned as they walked up the beautiful light stone steps.

“Bed rest.” Matthew smiled, pushing the door open again, their luggage in the door way.

“Right…bed rest.” Mary rolled her eyes. Her first thought was that the apartment was beautiful, with creamy white walls and molding and the furniture was her taste. She couldn’t help but smile as she looked around, her nausea returning as she spun around. “Good job, Edith.”

“It is quite nice.” Matthew squeezed, her hand, tugging it lightly. “Let’s look later, I think you need to rest, before you explore. Besides, the best view is from the bedroom.”

“Matthew if that’s a pick-up line…”

“It isn’t.” He chuckled, leading her down a hallway. “I promise to wait a few weeks before I try to get you into the bedroom for other reasons.”

“Matthew…” Mary tiredly groaned, stopping in her tracks. “I don’t want that.”

“Mary, I’m joking.” He assured her and urged her to follow him.

“Sorry. I’m exhausted.” She apologized as the walked into a large stunning master bedroom. The white room was decorated with open pink roses and Victorian style paintings on the wall. As she walked into the room, a smell overwhelmed her and she moved her hand over her mouth. “Matthew…”

“What is it?” He frowned, trying to look around as he realized her nausea was taking over, pointing to the master bathroom. “Here…”

“Thanks.” Mary didn’t even take a minute to finish looking at the room, running for the washroom. As she dropped to the floor, she felt the urge to get sick, but she grasped the countertop next to the toilet, closing her eyes tight as she continued to try and breathe in and out of her nose.

“Mary?” Matthew knocked on the door, pushing it open and popping his head into the small room.

“Yeah.” She hovered over the toilet, thanking her body for the false alarm.

“Edith put a wallflower in, the scent was taking over the room.” Matthew sighed. “I tossed it in the trash in the trash outside and opened the balcony door.”

“Okay…good.” Mary nodded as Matthew stepped in and helped her up. She stepped back for a second, dizzy from getting up still too fast.

“Keep my hand.” He smiled, leaning forward and kissing the top of her head.  She made no mention of it, the small kisses he would give her.  It wasn’t something she wanted to address right then and honestly, she didn’t hate when he did it.  It confused her when he did it, but she welcomed it. “Do you need a cold cloth?”

“No.” She swallowed, her face feeling clammy and cold. He yet again took her hand, leading her out into the bedroom as she examined it again. The bright snow-white bedding was over stuffed and she couldn’t wait to climb into the bed. It sure looked better than a hospital bed and if she had to spend all of her time in a bed, this was the one she would choose. At least until she could return to her bed at Downton Abbey.

“I want to show you something, before you lie down.” Matthew said, walking towards the open balcony which had a small café table on it.

“Okay.” Mary followed, stepping out into the patio, the view of the Eiffel Tower taking her breath away. Their apartment had a breathtaking view of the Eiffel Tower and the surrounding park and architecture. She couldn’t stop looking at it as it towered over the flat. “Matthew…”

“Beautiful.” Matthew breathed, moving his hand to her lower back and he looked down at her, pushing hair from her face that the wind had pushed forward. She swayed a bit, her nausea returning. “Okay…” Let’s go get comfortable.”

“Yes. Let’s do that.” Mary sighed, following him back into the room and over to the bed. He knelled on the floor, helping her slide the booties off of her feet. As each foot slid off, her feet hit the plush rug. He stood up in front of her, smiling as she curled her tows on the floor. She closed her eyes, again breathing in and out, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his chest. “I can’t recommend this.”

“I’ll make note not to get pregnant.” Matthew laughed, running his hand up and down her back, stopping at her bra strap. “Why don’t you get comfortable? You don’t need that.  I think you’re safe without it in bed.”

“Oh.” She giggled, pulling away and reaching her hand under her shirt, unsnapping the La Senza demi and sliding it out from under her shirt and sitting it on the night stand. She wasn’t sure why, but she wrapped her arms around him again, placing her head back over his chest. It had been ages since she had hugged someone, feeling so calm and safe before he came back into her life. She wasn’t sure what to make of everything that was happening and she was pretty sure she felt more attached to him then the baby in her stomach, but she felt safe with him. 

“Ready?” He moved, his hand to her hair and she could feel him breathe her in.

“Yeah.” She hesitantly let go, turning towards the appealing bed and climbing in. The sheets felt amazing on her feet. So much better than a hospital bed. “Feels good.”

“I bet.” He laughed at her, helping her adjust the pillows so that she could go to sleep and not sit up right at the moment. He waited for her to lie down and when she turned on her side, she looked at him and her eyes changed their shape. “What?”

“What are you going to do?” She asked, watching as he tiredly ran his hand through his hair, the circles around his eyes dark.

“I was going to maybe read a book, unpack a bit.” Matthew tucked her under the covers and took the bracelet off her wrist.

“Oh.” She frowned, watching as he carefully sat it on the nightstand, before moving his hands to her ears to take her earrings off. She could have taken them off, or leaved them in like she planned but he was being so delicate, taking care of her. She wasn’t sure he realized how careful he was being, but the way he gently took care of her, made her want to smile. He was a good man, a kind man.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I was just thinking…” Mary swallowed, watching as he closed the curtains. “You could lie down. I mean…if you wanted you could lie here with me. For a bit or until you get some rest too.”

“Oh.” Matthew looked surprised, before smiling. “I could. Do you want me to?”

“Sure.” Mary said casually, shrugging her shoulders just a bit.

“Okay, I can do that.” Matthew nodded, kicking his shoes off and carrying them to the other side of the bed, he then removed his sweater, wearing a white t-shirt underneath, before sliding onto the bed next to her. She turned to face him, smiling as he placed his head against the pillow. She closed her eyes before he could look at her, wondering if he was looking at her. She took a deep breath, counting in her head. He had gotten into bed with her. To sleep. For the first time ever, she was lying in bed opposite Matthew Crawley. It wasn’t what she had imagined, but she didn’t mind. She was safely in Paris as Matthew, her mother and everyone else had planned. She took a deep breath, “Matthew.”

When Mary opened her eyes, she saw his were closed. She lifted her head, noticing his breathing was slow and steady. For the first time in weeks, he looked relaxed. She hadn’t noticed how tense he was, until she saw him sleep across from her and the dark circles in his eyes made sense. He was barely sleeping as he had been caring for her. Spending day and night by her side, barely making it back to his home. He had stopped everything to take care of her. Working by her bedside as she slept, he hadn’t left her. She smiled, moving her hand to his cheek. She was pregnant and as she ran her hand along his cheek, she was reminded of how much better he deserved. She felt an excitement in her stomach, knowing that this was something she had thought about often. Except it would have been Matthew’s baby and he deserved better than her now. He deserved the dream. He didn’t deserve this. She took a deep breath, knowing she would worry about that later. For now, she wanted to fall asleep next to a sleeping Matthew. She would worry about the details later, about reminding him how much better he deserved. For now, it was still early in the day and they were exhausted. She took a deep breath, leaning forward to kiss his lips softly, grinning as he stayed sleeping. She shifted forward, resting her head on his chest, taking even breaths until she slept too.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Matthew was going to have to calm down. He knew he was worrying too much about things that were normal. The doctor had said that she may not have much of an appetite with the morning sickness starting up, but she wasn't eating. She had actually done okay eating the first few days in the hospital, but as she neared the end of her stay, she had started to eat less and less. She had been out of the hospital for a little over a day and she had eaten two bites of a sandwich he made and nothing else. Everything made her sick. The smoothie and the soup he made her sent her running to the restroom and left him holding her hair back. The granola bar made her dry heave and the smell of chicken sent her running into another room until he threw it in the dumpster with the other things she couldn't smell. She had tried to kick him out when she was getting sick, but he was worried and insisted on holding her hair and rubbing her back. A part of him wanted to hurt Richard Carlisle for more than just hurting her, but leaving her with something that made her so sick. In a way, it seemed like a cruel joke until he reminded himself that months down the road, there would be a baby. A baby wasn't a bad thing and he certainly wasn't going to mind. It wasn't apart of his plan with Mary. Or it was. He had definitely thought so many times throughout the years about the moment they discovered she was pregnant. The night he realized he had let her go, he thought about the things they would miss out on and how he wouldn't be the same.

When he saw her for the first time in over a year, he imagined their life. What he was missing, because he was an idiot. She had walked in and he saw the mother of his children. That vision, hadn't gone away since. She had barely paid attention to him that first night, making it clear she was still upset with him and he was looking at her, wondering what it would have been like to call her his wife and now, he was pacing in a Paris kitchen. He needed to focus on Mary and not what he wanted. He had thought about how he couldn't wait to make love to her with that very intention. It was something he thought about the moment he saw her again in Downton. He had wanted to rip her clothes off, make love to her and make her his. It wasn't realistic, but it was a fact. She meant the world to him and the day he let her walk out of his office before she married Carlisle, was the biggest mistake of his life.

He was in love with her. He still found her beyond beautiful and he was incredibly attracted to her. The bruises, the cuts and the exhaustion didn't deter him and each day that they faded, he felt they were a step closer to being someone normal. He hated seeing her hurt, but it only made him realize he wanted to spend the rest of his life making up for letting her go. He couldn't stop what he felt when he was looking at her or near her.

It felt intense when he saw her, making him want to go into caveman mode and ravish her body. When they had kissed the night of the carnival, his body had ached for her all night. He had stayed in his bed that night, wanting nothing more than to beg her to come back over and make her toes curl. It made his own cheeks turn red when he thought about it. He wanted to do things to her that you didn't do to just a friend. Things that would make her blush. He thought about what it would mean to make her moan his name and feel her around him. He wanted that, she deserved that. She deserved to feel wanted and fully satisfied. She deserved to have someone that loved her, to make love to her just because he wanted to and to make her laugh out in pleasure. He hadn't planned on this. He hadn't planned on her getting so hurt she spent a duration of time fighting for her life in a hospital or having a baby with a man who didn't deserve a child. It was frustrating, but then he thought about her. And he thought about what it would be to have Carlisle out of the picture, leaving her with just her baby. It made it an easy decision to stay and an even easier one for him to want to be in her baby's life. There was no other decision to make. He was more than happy to step in, even though Mary stressed the baby wasn't his responsibility. It wasn't about the responsibility. It wasn't about taking over someone's role. It was about wanting to genuinely be a part of their lives and to love them. He was scared of how she would react, but he was sure he didn't want to miss a moment of the baby's life. He imagined that anything that could be apart of Mary, he could love. No, he loved. He already cared so much for the baby. Except, he didn't know if that was what Mary wanted. She was hesitant to talk about her baby or even discuss it with him. She didn't talk about them being together or wanting to tear each other's clothes off. He hardly doubted she thought about letting him strip her naked, running his fingers along her body. Instead, there was a cold reality. They were in Paris alone and his main goal was to stop her from throwing up whatever she could manage to get into her body. That killed the mood right there. He laughed to himself, before reaching for the cup of ice chips she requested. It wasn't romance, but she was worth it. The small baby growing in her stomach was worth it. They were the two most important people in his world right now and he would do anything for them. Her parents had paid for a six-month lease in Paris. They didn't know if it would be a month or two, or longer, but they got the apartment with the intention of protecting her. It just worked out that he could work remote with his job. There were a few meetings he would have to make it to London for, but Anna would come be with Mary during that time. In the meantime, he would try to get her to eat.

When he pushed into the bedroom, he saw her shifting in the bed, tired and fighting with the blankets. He smiled as she looked up at him, her usually perfect hair falling out of her messy bun. Mary had fallen to morning sickness and it was clear she had felt worse. "I have crushed ice and a banana."

"Ice." She repeated, holding her hand out for him to hand her the cup.

"Mary, please try to eat the banana." Matthew sighed, sitting the tray on the bedside table. "It will give you some energy and maybe get something in your stomach."

"Matthew, I don't want a banana. It actually sounds revolting." Mary sighed, tossing a bunch of ice chips into her mouth. She chewed on the ice as Matthew slid on the bed in front of her. He smiled, staring at her as she looked back up at him. "What?"

"Nothing." He shrugged, before reaching for the bottle of medicine in the top drawer of her bedside table. "The doctor said it was okay to take this for your nausea."

"I don't need that." Mary sighed, sitting back against the stack of pillows. "Are you going to work?"

"Yeah, I need to reach out to a client and set up a video conference." Matthew sighed, tossing the pills back into the drawer. She had refused all of the nausea medication, stating that she didn't think it was a good idea. The doctors and pharmacist told her it was fine and he even did his research on it, but Mary said she felt like she could get through it without it. He walked around to the other side of the bed, reaching or his laptop from the bedside table and sitting back down on the bed. "I can get it done while you are sleeping."

"All I do is sleep." She sighed as he helped her get under the covers, fluffing the blanket over her. He ran his hands over his mouth, trying not to laugh as she fought with her pillows. He leaned over, trying to stack the goose feather pillows. "Matthew…I have it. I can handle pillows."

"Okay." He raised his hands, trying not to laugh as the pillows fell each time she tried to sit back against them. He would laugh, each time she stacked them and turned around, the pillows falling behind her. "If you let me help, I can get them back to how I had them before Mary."

"Fine." Mary sighed getting out of the bed, pushing pillows towards him. She looked annoyed, but more than anything he knew she was exhausted. He sat up, stacking the pillows biggest on the bottom, then the smaller two up top and the longer pillow along her side. She climbed in, eying him in annoyance as she settled in and he tossed the blankets over her. "Thank you."

"Better, right?" He laughed as she turned on her side.

"Yes, Dr. Matthew." Mary rolled her eyes. She looked over at his computer screen as he powered it on. She looked concerned and focused as she looked up at him. "So with the exception of few days going back to London and Anna coming to visit, are you really going to be able to work here?"

"Yes, but it will mean a lot of video conferences, phone calls and emails, but I can make it work." Matthew smiled, logging in with his password and looking over at her. He couldn't help but smile as she yawned and then clutched her stomach. "You just can't yell at me or be naked in the background."

"I wasn't planning on walking behind you naked." She giggled, her fingers dancing along abdomen, occasionally lingering.

"That is a damn shame." Matthew smiled and leaned over to kiss her cheek. He then moved his lips to her ear, speaking quickly. "Maybe just naked off camera then."

"Matthew…" She pushed at his arm, before moving her hand over her stomach.

"I'm just saying if you being naked is an option, I am going to take it." Matthew laughed, kissing her cheek again and this time lingering. He moved his hand over hers, pressing against her stomach. "How is the little one?"

"Fine…I assume." Mary looked down, biting her lip as their hands pressed together. She took a deep breath, looking down at their intertwined fingers. It was the first time they both held hands over her stomach, acknowledging the 'tiny elephant' in the room. "So, what are you working on today?"

"What?" Matthew's smile faded as she took a deep breath, pushing their hands off of her stomach protectively, moving only her hand back. He looked down at her, wondering if he had gone too far, but instead she urged his hand to her back and inviting him to lightly rub her back. He took a deep breath, before looking back to his screen. "Oh. Well right now I am reviewing a client case to see if there are any faults in the deposition. Any red flags to send on to the attorneys."

"Like if you think their guilty?" She asked.

"Something like that." He lightly grazed her back with his fingers, her body relaxing against his. "With this case, we're simply just making sure everything lines up with the facts we have."

"I see." She yawned, his fingers moving under the back of her sweater, his fingers trailing on her spine.

"What if I make you some toast?" Matthew asked, leaning over and kissing her cheek again. Her cheeks were flushed and clammy. "I need you to eat."

"No thank you." Mary grimaced, shaking her head. "Just keep rubbing my back."

"Bossy." He laughed, his finger catching on the sweater. "Why don't you at least take the sweater off? That way I can rub your whole back and not just what I can access under the sweater."

"It won't bother you?" She asked, sitting up in the bed.

"No and I think you'll honestly feel better to just be covered up with the blankets when you're ready." He sighed, hoping that making her cooler would make her feel less nauseated and convince her to try and eat again.

"Okay, but don't look at my front side." Mary sighed, lifting the beige sweater over her head and Matthew couldn't help but look at her as she folded the sweater. He hadn't taken a close look at her under the baggy sweaters until her top was off in front of him now and Matthew didn't look away. He had never seen her undressed, nothing covering her delicate fair skin. Her breasts were plump, a bit bigger than he remembered noticing before under her oversized sweaters that hid what Carlisle did. Her skin was starting to look so much better, the bruises mostly gone from her neck and shoulder. Matthew felt his pants tighten as her chest moved as she did. He could never stop saying in his head how beautiful she was. Her breasts were bigger of course, because she was growing a baby in her body and everything looked perky and firm. When she looked up, making eye contact with him she quickly reached for part of the sheet. "Matthew, don't look."

"I'm sorry." He looked back at the screen, shifting uncomfortably as she laid back down, grabbing his hand and placing it on her back. He had to focus on his work and rubbing her back, because looking at her naked and thinking about how soft her skin was under his fingers was going to make it hard to hide how he already felt. He shouldn't feel this way right now as she battled nausea, more scared than she would admit about having a baby and giving into the exhaustion. He shouldn't be feeling like his pants were too tight and or how he wanted to flip her on her back. None of those were good things to think about right now. While she was miserable, he wanted her. He was pretty sure there was a ticket to hell for that or something. While he wanted to make it clear he loved her, he wanted her in a physical way that made his eyes darken and his beltline throb. It didn't help that they were both in the same bed. He was going to have to consider working in another room, because every second he was with her he just wanted to look at her, talk to her and love her. It made him smile as her hand moved back to her stomach, her eyes drifting asleep as he moved his fingers lightly against her back. When he had asked how the little one was, she had just shrugged it off, but he really wanted to know. He wanted her to know he intended to be around for a long time, hopefully forever.

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Her body was changing and it was clear to her that it would keep doing so over the next few months. As she looked in the floor length mirror, looking at her body from the side, there was a small lump in her lower abdomen area. It wasn’t much, it looked more like she had consumed a few too many mince pies at Christmas, but it was there. It was officially her eight week of pregnancy and she didn’t think it was possible to show so early, except the part of her body where her stomach met the pelvis, was starting to stretch outwards. She was undressed and ready to take a shower, but she had felt the need to look at herself in the mirror first. She would admit to herself that she didn’t hate the way it looked. There was something to be said for what a woman’s body could do and it kind of fascinated her. She just wished things were different.  The story behind her baby wouldn’t change. She was a single soon to be divorced mother and her child was fatherless. It was good that Richard Carlisle had surrendered any rights, but it didn’t make it fair to her baby. He or she deserved a loving family and two happy parents and she couldn’t provide that.  Still, she didn’t mind the little baby who had decided to make a small home in her body, even if she didn’t feel motherly or even like her body was the right home for it. Maybe soon.

She stepped into the marble shower, turning on the water. She had been a bit light headed since coming into the bathroom and her goal was to take a quick shower before hopping right back into the fluffy bed. She had been sidetracked by her stomach, but now she was trying to wet her hair and wash it before her nausea took over.  Anything she tried to do, was always impacted by her inability to keep food down. She had no energy and this so-called morning sickness was actually all-day sickness and it was terrible. She ran the shampoo through her hair, stopping to smell the floral scent which she loved. Reaching for the bottle of conditioner, she felt a wave of nausea come as the gardenia scent lingered. She put the conditioner bottle down and grimaced, feeling an urge to arch over. She fought through, running her fingers over her mouth. It wasn’t going away. For a moment she thought it might, but now she was standing there as the water rained over her, trying not to get sick. She had finally eaten some toast and butter, making Matthew more than pleased. She tried to distract herself, thinking about how Matthew had celebrated, kissing her head when she had finished the toast. He was amazing, supportive and a small part of her wished this could go on forever. It couldn’t and she knew that. One day, he would realize that he needed to start his own life.  He deserved a fresh woman with no dramatic baggage. That he wanted to have his own first born and that he wouldn’t want a woman with a past. For now, she would feel safe leaning into him, sleeping next to him and feeling like she had him. She would soak it up and wish it could go on forever.

Her body swayed a bit as a second wave of nausea rolled in, causing her to grab the soap dish on the wall for support. She knew this feeling.  She was getting incredibly light headed and nauseas, her body feeling incredibly hot. She turned the water off, shaking her head as if she was telling her body not to get sick. It wasn’t going away. She stepped out of the shower, lowering in front of the toilet before emptying everything she’d consumed.  She blinked as she no longer had anything in her body, but continued to dry heave. She wasn’t sure when he had arrived, but she noticed Matthew’s hand on her back, holding her hair tightly behind her head. He let go for a moment and then there was a wet cloth on her face as he helped her sit back against the wall, feeling grateful he had reminded her to leave the bathroom door unlocked.  At some point she felt like she blacked out for just a moment, but she was sure it was just from being so weak. He reached for her bathrobe, kneeling in front of her and running the wet cloth against her face. It was then that she burst into tears, leaning into his shoulder and sobbing. Her body was tired as he wrapped his arms around her. “Matthew.”

“I wish you felt better.” Matthew stroked her back, wrapping her robe around her shoulders. She cried, tired and frustrated before he spoke again. “Mary, the doctor gave you the nausea medicine and told you that you could take it.”

“Women for centuries have had babies without the assistance of extra medications.” Marry whimpered as he wiped her tears.

“And a lot of them would probably have welcomed the chance to have something take their nausea away.” Matthew sighed, standing up in front of her, leaning over and scooping her into his arms. He walked her into the bathroom, before lying her down gently onto the bed, pulling the blankets over her chest. She would ask for her clothes later, her body was comfortable in the down comforter and she didn’t feel much like dressing herself. “Come on Mary. It will make you feel better and I think your body has had enough pain and sickness to last a lifetime.”

“And what if it hurts the baby?” Mary asked, genuinely concerned. “Haven’t I had enough Western medication for an entire lifetime?”

“The doctors wouldn’t administer what you couldn’t handle.” Matthew assured her, reaching for a bottle of water then removing the nausea medication from the top drawer. “Besides, I think the doctor’s want you to continue healing and passing out in the shower isn’t on their list of things that will help with that.”

“No? I thought it would help prevent the baby weight gain.” Mary rolled her eyes as he slid on the bed next to her, before holding a pill out in his hand.

“Mary, I wouldn’t give you anything that the doctors didn’t recommend and I didn’t think would make things better.” Matthew sighed as she took the water bottle. “Besides, I would like for you to get some more rest.”

“Fine.” She sighed, taking the pill from his hand, drinking the water to wash it down. Even the water threatened to come back up, but he moved a cloth over her head again, the cool fabric distracting her from the urge to run out of the bed. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” He smiled. She was feeling light headed and he must have noticed, because he helped push her lightly back onto the pillows, then stretched out beside her.

“I noticed something today.” She sighed, silently hoping the medication began to take affect quickly. As her nausea tried to make a comeback.

“What did you notice today?” He asked, lacing his fingers in with hers, his other hand stroking her cheek.

“The baby has decided to make her or himself known.” Mary smiled, looking up at him.

His eyes softened, looking down at where the blanket covered her stomach. “So soon it will be obvious that you’re pregnant.”

“Very obvious.” She sighed, pushing the blankets down to show her bare body, covering her breasts with her arm, but letting him see the bump on her stomach. “It isn’t much but its weird. When you think there is an ordinary little person in there. A tiny person.”

“Not an ordinary person.” Matthew smiled, moving his hand to her stomach, able to cup the small expansion on her body. “An extraordinary and very special little person.”

“I guess that’s true. I don’t mind them residing there. I thought I would hate the actual being pregnant part, but I must admit I was a bit excited at the unexpected appearance.” Mary couldn’t help but smile, his hand protectively on her body.   He had a way of making her think everything would be okay, his hand staying on her abdomen when he moved to kiss the side of her head again. “I imagine you’ll be quite bored of the two of us very soon. Being stuck in bed and all.”

“I could never grow bored.” Matthew assured her as she began to yawn. “How is the medicine working?”

“Not really nauseated at the moment.” She took a deep breath as he moved his hand to raise the blankets back over her, tucking them around her. “Although definitely getting sleepy.”

“So, you would say I was right?” Matthew chuckled, standing up from the bed.

“Don’t push your luck.” Mary giggled tiredly, her eyes heavy. She frowned as he moved around the side of the bed, turning out the switch on the lamp by her side of the bed. He reached for his phone, sliding it into his pocket. She frowned, as he leaned over, kissing her forehead and then walking towards the door. “Where are you going?”

“I need to get some more work done, that way I can still have my weekends off.” He responded, looking back at her in the oversized bed. “Besides, you need to be resting. You have a doctor’s appointment next week and I would like for them to say you’re doing much better overall.”

“Okay.” They shared a smile, before he quietly left and closed the door to the bedroom behind him. There she was, sitting all alone in the bed. Only she really wasn’t alone. There was a tiny ordinary…no a tiny extraordinary person in there with her. It wasn’t so lonely anymore, although something was happening when she was around Matthew and she needed to distract herself from it. He one day would have a life and she was certain it couldn’t include her. She could never get over the fact that she had done something so permanent, making it clear she wasn’t worthy of him. He deserved a fresh slate, his own baby and she needed to get her mind in check. She needed to stop loving the way she felt around him. The way she felt hopeful and like she wasn’t going to do this alone. When they returned from Paris, she would most likely be on her own. She would be healed at some point and then it would just be a normal pregnancy. She would move back to Downton Abbey and he would be in his home. They would be living their separate lives again and if he fought it, she would need to insist. He deserved better and he couldn’t put his life on hold for her, even if her life, mind and body seemed to feel so happy around him. She felt more like she would be a good mother around him, because he seemed to make it look like caring could be so easy. She was tired and now her thoughts were rambling. She would think more about it later. She would sleep and then for a little while she would think about how happy she felt when he was right by her side before it ended.

 

 

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

Tomorrow Matthew would take Mary to her first doctor’s appointment to check on the baby and follow-up on her care. They would talk to a team of doctor’s in a Paris hospital after having been referred by the doctor’s in London. During the short time that they had been in Paris, her wounds had improved a great deal and her pregnancy seemed to be developing well from the outside. Matthew had a few questions for the doctor’s that he would make sure to ask when he was there with her. He wanted to see if she would start physical therapy on her shoulder in Paris or if it could wait until she was in London. She still seemed to be struggling with sleep at night, which probably had a lot to do with the Nausea and that she slept a lot during the day, but it left the two of them up at night, usually talking or just sitting in silence. It probably had a lot to do with her nausea, but he also had one other concerned. He knew Mary prior to Carlisle. She was a pistol, a challenge and had a wicked sense of humor. He saw small hints of it from time to time, but while emailing back to Downton, they all seemed a bit concerned that she had taken a hit mentally. They were worried that she might need to talk to someone or just talk at all. She didn’t talk about the things he told her about herself or the abuse. If it ever came up, she avoided the topic so quickly. As he sat in the library of the Paris home, he was making the list and even trying to research how someone might recover from so much mental trauma. He was confident she would be okay, but he wanted to be sure she would be able to seem more like herself. She deserved that and he felt like she was so weighed down by everything at the moment. The night before, she had burst into tears about how she felt he was mad at her for something so silly. That wasn’t Mary and he wanted her to understand that there was nothing she could do or could have done to deserve the treatment she had endured. He wanted to her to know she was amazing. He wanted her to be in a better state of mind for them and for her child.  

“Matthew?” Mary poked her head into the room, the dark circles under her eyes told him she was going to need more sleep soon. Her black eyes were gone, just a bit of yellow under her skin reminded him that she had been hit in the face.

“Yes?” He looked up, pushing his laptop closed and sitting back in the chair.

“I wasn’t sure where you had gone.” Mary walked into the room, examining the room. She hadn’t explored much of the house yet since she had been recovering. “I thought maybe you had decided to make a getaway.”

“No. Never.” He laughed, pushing his chair away from the desk. “How did you sleep?”

“Alright.” She sighed, walking over to the bookshelf and running her fingers along the spine of the books. “Although I am sure I’ve messed up my sleep for tonight.”

“We should take up board games.” Matthew joked, both of their schedules had gotten messed up, but he still got a lot more sleep than she did at night and with working remotely, he had a chance to nap a bit during the day with her. Most of their mornings were spent curled up in bed, him rubbing her back until they both fell back asleep.

“We may have to.” Mary giggled, walking over to the desk and sitting on top of it. She was wearing a red spaghetti strap tank top and black wide leg pajama bottoms. Her hair hung over her shoulder and draped along her pale skin made him smile and lean forward in his chair. He tried to focus, not paying attention to how he felt looking at her, but he loved her and the idea that she wasn’t as happy as she could be, ate away at him. He could tell she was worried about being a mother and how she would handle loving someone so small, especially given the circumstances. He wished he could tell her or convince her that it was going to be great. She wasn’t full of a mother’s instinct right now, but Matthew felt like Mary would do better once her child was actually there, especially if her life was better by then. He so hoped to be a part of what made it better. He smiled, as she stared at him, before blushing and biting her lip. “So, you’re still working?”

“I can be done for now.” He smiled, pointing at his computer. “Just following up on some emails. Nothing too major.”

“I see.” She sighed, looking up at him. “Well you know what all work and no play did for Jack.”

“Are you saying I’m a dull boy.” Matthew smirked, moving a hand to the desk next to her, pushing himself up.

“Oh Matthew Crawley, you must be.” She sighed, her shoulders dropping as he stood in front of her. She was tired, that was clear to him. Although it wouldn’t be a difficult assumption to make, she was constantly tired. “You spend all of your time with me now.”

“I can’t say I am sad about that.” He stood in front of her, reaching behind her for a bottle of water and handing it to her. “Drink water. You need to keep drinking water.”

“All work.” She laughed, taking a sip of the water and then placing the lid back. “I will have to tell the doctor’s that I have had someone taking such great care of me.”

“If being a lawyer doesn’t work out, I have a career in nursing.” Matthew laughed, removing a stray hair off of her tank top. “And I would gladly be your personal nurse. Weight on you hand and foot.”

“Careful, I may take you up on that.” Mary said quietly, her hand moving to his chest and he took a deep a breath.

“Nobody would dare say you were a dull girl.” Matthew looked down at her hand, the way she softly pressed her hand on his chest. He moved his hand over hers, before looking up at her. “And how is little one?”

“Behaving with the assistance of modern medicine.” Mary said proudly, leaning forward and pressing her head against his chest. It was a bit confusing at times for Matthew, but he loved how he knew she felt safe with him. He loved that she would put the weight of her body into his chest and for a moment it felt like she would let him take some of the weight of the world off of her shoulders. He was okay with that. “Although I feel like I am asleep most of my days.”

“That is because you are.” He laughed, kissing the top of her head, moving his hand between them to touch her stomach. Her top fit firmly to her skin, outlining the small growing bump and he was grateful he could see how it had changed in even a short amount of time. He pressed his head against hers as her hand moved over his. “It seems so odd, to think I will be trusted with another person’s wellbeing.”

“And you’ll be amazing at it.” He smiled as she looked up at him, their faces just inches apart. She took a deep breath, looking at his lips. Their eyes met, his hand moving away from her stomach and up to her face. “Mary…”

“Yeah?” She breathed, looking down between them before lifting her head and pressing her lips against his, moving her hands to his hair. He hadn’t expected her to initiate anything, she was so tired but now she was kissing him and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing her back. She moaned, leaning back as her back hit the accessories of his desk. “Sofa?”

“Yeah…” She moaned, as she wrapped her legs around him, nipping at his bottom lip as he lifted her off the oak desk and carried her to the cherry leather sofa in the room.    He was gentle with her, laying her out before moving over her, immediately pressing his lips back to hers, trailing the kisses along her jaw. “Oh Matthew…”

“Mary…” He took a deep breath, their lips matching up again and she slid her tongue into his mouth, arching her back underneath him. He needed to stop. He knew they couldn’t do this, but as she moaned, he couldn’t stop from moving his lips to her neck, sliding his hand down her stomach and to the waistline of her pajamas.

“Oh my god…” She gasped, feeling him above her and her hands moved to his jeans, fumbling with the buttons as she felt his fingers tease her waist, before sliding inside of her pajamas. “Please…”

“Please what?” Matthew moaned, pressing his forehead against hers. He needed to stop. They couldn’t do this right now and he knew it, but the way she felt and the way she so warmly accepted his body against hers, left him wanting her more and more.

“I missed you too….” She breathed, as if she was responding to his words from weeks ago when he had kissed her and told her that he had missed her. They wanted each other in this moment and it was clear as she assisted him in moving his hand to her center. Except, something in his head told him they couldn’t do this and he slid his pants out from under her cotton pajamas. “I…what are you doing?”

“Mary…” He moaned against her lips, trying to compose himself, but she was kissing him harder and it was making it really hard to think clearly. There were several reasons why this was a bad idea, all of them trying to confront him as he fought to pull away from her and finally, he just pulled away, jumping off of the couch. “Mary…we can’t.”

“What?” She frowned, sitting up on her own, running her fingers over her lips. “Matthew…”

“Mary, we can’t.” He said, realizing that there were reasons. She had been fighting for her life and she was pregnant. They had things to talk about and choices to make, but more importantly she needed to have her health put first. If they had done something and it had harmed her physically or hurt the baby, he would never be able to live with himself. “The baby…if we…”

“No, it’s fine. Don’t worry.” She groaned, worry covering her face as her chest still moved up and down quickly. “I shouldn’t have come at you. You’re a good friend and…”

“Mary, it’s not that.” Matthew sighed.

“No, it’s perfectly fine Matthew. Let’s not talk of this again.” She stood, adjusting her pants that had been pulled down just a bit lower. She fixed her tank, walking towards the door.

“Mary….” He tried to follow, but she turned around, raising her hand to stop him. “It’s not what you think.”

“I know better and I understand. More than you think I do.”  She said, her cheeks flushed and a part of him realized she was taking this all wrong.

“Mary, I was just thinking it wouldn’t be wise for us to…”

“Matthew, I ask that we just pretend this didn’t happen.” She said, seeming embarrassed even though he didn’t want her to be. She took a deep breath, turning in the door way. “Please.”

“Okay.” He sighed, as she turned and walked out of the small library, leaving him there. He wanted her to know how badly he wanted her, because right now he had the idea that she may have taken him stopping their passion filled moment the wrong way. There were a number of things to worry about, before he could do anything with her. He needed to make sure it was safe. Her health and safety were the most important and the baby needed to be okay too. She had been in such terribly condition, numerous injuries had filled the doctor’s with concern and they couldn’t just act foolishly. Whatever they did, had to be okay for her and the baby. He wouldn’t risk it. Then there was this place her head was at. She sometimes stared off into the distance, not even seeing like she was present with him. He couldn’t blame her. There was so much that had happened, but he thought she might need some more time and maybe to talk to someone. She was emotional, filled with doubt and resentment towards herself. The emotion seemed normal, but escalated and he just wanted to make sure that they were taking the proper steps to help her. Right now, as much as they both wanted it, he felt like sex and foreplay could tread on the lines of taking advantage. Soon. He was sure they would be able to soon. He wanted it and tonight, she definitely seemed to want something. However, it wasn’t the right time. They could have the rest of their lives together, but first he needed to make sure that she and the tiny little miracle in her body were okay. He needed to be sure that she wanted him there and they needed to be alright. He needed her to be alright.  

 

 

 

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

On the ride over to the to Paris hospital, Mary had fallen asleep. Matthew had told the driver where to take them and let try to rest.  She hadn’t even taken her nausea medication, but she was exhausted and had spent most of the night feeling completely ill.  So, Matthew told her to close her eyes and focus on the drive. There was something to be said for awkward and uncomfortable silence.  Mary was sure of it, because last night Matthew didn’t come into bed. Every single night that they had been in Paris, Matthew had shared the same bed as her, initially agreeing it was best that he keep a close eye on her. Then it became their routine in the short time they had spent in Paris. It wasn’t like her to be so relaxed and maybe it was something she had let go while recovering, but she also felt like it had to do a lot with Matthew. Things just felt more relaxed around him, but they were also becoming a bit careless and she knew that. Last night things had almost gone too far and he stopped it. In the moment, she had wanted those things to happen and she wanted to go too far.  The only other time her body had felt remotely like that, was the night of the carnival. She wasn’t sure that this was normal, to feel the way that she did. It was a new sensation and she certainly had never felt that way with Carlisle. She was pretty sure she would have been unstoppable last night if she hadn’t been so tired, but Matthew was the one who put an end to it and she went to bed alone. He never came into the bed. It was odd and she was pretty sure it was his way of making something clear, she just wasn’t sure what. It had seemed like he wanted it too, but then he stopped. He had gone from touching her in a way that made her mind go foggy, to jumping off of her as if he wasn’t interested. She would admit physically she hadn’t felt much like doing anything, but with him she had wanted to.  Then she had left the room feeling embarrassed, like she was the problem. The thing was, she probably was the problem.  He was likely starting to realize what he deserved and was trying to realistic. She had been tired and lost her ability to control the situation.  She knew that. She just didn’t like when things were weird with them. It had been a mistake, except she was confused. They were sharing a bed, sharing quick kisses each day and some lingered more than others. He kissed her as she imagined two people in a healthy relationship would except this wasn’t healthy at all. This didn’t make any sense.  Now, they had barely said more than a few words to each other this morning and she wasn’t sure what would happen now.  It was awkward and it was uncomfortable.

Now, she was sitting in a hospital gown, on an exam table waiting for two doctors to return to let her know where she was in her healing and then they would do an ultrasound on her stomach, the second ultrasound of the day. They had drawn her blood and done a few other tests, but now she was sitting in a cold room, trying not to overthink anything. There was a lot to think about and if she focused on one thing for too long, she found herself getting upset. When the OB had asked her about her about the possibility of speaking to someone, to make her pregnancy easier given the hectic way it started. She insisted she didn’t need to talk to anyone, but deep down she thought maybe the doctor was right. As she took a deep breath, there was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

“Hey.” Matthew popped his head in hesitantly. “They told me I could come in now…”

“Okay..”

“Is it okay if I do?” He asked, stepping into the room.

“Yeah…” She looked down at her hands, nervously focusing in on her nails. At this point most of her examinations were done and the doctors would be in soon. Hopefully very soon. She knew the doctors were aware of what had happened with her husband, but she wasn’t sure why they directed Matthew back with her. They probably assumed he was family or a boyfriend or something. Still, she wouldn’t kick him out, because deep down she was still a little scared.

“How is it going so far?” He asked, walking in and sitting on the chair next to the exam table which she assumed was usually there for the husband during the ultrasound.

“It’s fine…. just high blood pressure.” Mary sighed, looking over at the sign on the wall that showed the different symptoms during the three trimesters, except it was mostly in French.

“Oh.” He frowned, reaching for his phone. “Did they say what caused it?”

“No…” Mary breathed, still avoiding eye contact with him. “At least they didn’t say.”

“Oh.” Matthew sighed as there was a knock on the door and two doctors stepped in, each holding a clip board, followed by another what he assumed was a nurse or tech.

“Hello.” An older woman extended her hand to Matthew, sending a smile over to Mary. “I am Doctor Bisset.”

“I am Dr. Combe.” The second woman with red hair smiled, extending her hand as well. “I am the OBGYN who will be working with Mary while she is here in Paris.”

“Nice to meet you both.” Matthew grinned, sitting back down next to Mary.

“So, we are just going to go over Mary’s appointment and what we want to do from here.” Dr. Bisset said happily, placing her chart at her waist.

“Perfect.” Mary sighed, running a hand over her stomach.

“So, the first thing I will go over is the wounds that required stitches.” Dr. Bisset explained, lightly moving her fingers over her hairline. “They all have healed quite nicely. We removed all of the stitches, except this one. I will have you come back in a few days so that we can get those out. I just want to give them some extra time to heal since the skin is still pretty raw there.”

“I noticed that one looked very tender still.” Matthew watched as the doctor removed her gloves and tossed them in the trash.

“It is, but it should be good in a few days.” Dr. Bisset grinned, reaching for her chart again. “Everything else is healing quite well, she passed her neurological exams which we wanted to do after the severe concussion, the sports surgeon felt she was okay to wait for physical therapy for the shoulder and her bloodwork on our end came back pretty clear. Now, Doctor Combe and I both believe that you need to see a therapist.”

“Is that really necessary?” Mary sighed, groaning a little.

“Mary...” Matthew sighed and she looked over, glaring at him.

“You’ve experienced something quite traumatic Mary.” Dr. Combe interjected and stepped forward. “Dr. Bisset and I see several traits and it is completely understood that you would struggle a bit. You’re doing great, but mentally something like this is very draining. It doesn’t have to be for long, but it could be beneficial. You could do it here in Paris, but if you really wanted to wait until you made your way home you could.”

“Alright.” She said, knowing her voice sounded more annoyed.

“Other than that, you’re doing amazing.” Dr. Bisset smiled, stepping back for Dr. Combe.

“Alright Mary, so just a few things I want to go over with you.” Dr. Combe smiled, her accent was quite thick. “The first thing is weight gain. I imagine given your stress your weight decreased prior to getting pregnant, but you’ve lost a little over 3 kilos since you were first weighed in at the hospital.  So, I am giving you some homework. I want you to gain at least four and a half kilos when I see you in two weeks.”

“I’ll make sure she’s well fed.” Matthew said, his voice light and sounding a little nervous. “And she mentioned high blood pressure?”

“Not too high, but high enough that I will want to monitor it.” Dr. Come explained, handing him a small box. “That is a tool to check it at home, but I want to keep an eye on it. It is likely a result of all the stress that you have endured, Mary. I want you to keep your stress low. Stay off your feet, but I also want you to get out once a day of possible and go for a walk. Exercise isn’t a bad thing during pregnancy, but I don’t want you over-exerting yourself.”

“But other than one walk, I have to stay in bed?” Mary asked, her face switching to shock. “I am getting so bored.”

“I won’t make you stay in bed the entire day, but I don’t want you on your feet a ton.” Dr. Combe continued. “So short walks for fresh air and if you must get out, keep it short and quick. This also means no strenuous activity. No climbing a lot of stairs, no running and no sexual intercourse until I clear you for that.  Intimacy isn’t an issue, but I don’t want you going full force.”

“Got it. No full force.” Mary’s face turned red, remembering the night before and she quickly looked at Matthew who seemed uncomfortable. She looked back at Dr. Combe, pushing hair behind her ears. “But the baby…”

“We will do another ultrasound to check up on everything, Nancy our technician will step in front of me.” Dr. Combe said, moving out of the way as the tech stepped forward and had Mary lay herself back on the table. “Go ahead and pull your gown above your stomach and leave the cloth on the area below the waist.”

“I will let you guys go on and I have an appointment coming up.” Dr. Bisset announced, handing Matthew her business card. “My office will call about following up on the head wound.”

“Thank you Dr. Bisset.” Mary announced, as the tech placed a clear gel on her stomach. It felt cool and a bit strange as the tech moved a wand around her belly, pressing in areas around the bump where she was starting to see her baby. Her hand was resting beside her, her fingers tapping the exam table softly.

“There is the baby, this right here is the head.” The tech pointed to the screen and Dr. Combe watched to make sure the baby looked okay. “The baby is starting to grow his or her little fingers and hands. So, the baby is starting to wiggle.”

“An active little one.” Dr. Combe laughed, still looking closely at the screen. “In relation to pregnancy, how have you been feeling?”

“Exhausted and quite nauseated.” Mary breathed, unable to take her eyes off the screen. That was her tiny little extraordinary person growing inside of her and she wasn’t sure what to think. Except it looked so perfect. It didn’t quite look like a baby and it looked like every ultrasound she had ever imagined, except it was hers. “The medicine has helped a bit.”

“I will go ahead and prescribe you some more.” Dr. Comb implied, instructing the tech to print some photos. “And I will send you home with some tips and suggestions to combat that nausea. We do need you to gain some weight.”

“We will work on it.” Matthew reached for her hand, stroking her fingers with his thumb, but she quickly pulled her hand from his. She felt like it was a bit cold, but she just didn’t want to be touched, she wanted to look back at her baby and not worry about what was happening between them or not happening at all. Whatever it was, had been a mistake.

“It’s a bit early to hear the heartbeat during the abdominal ultrasound, but the baby looks good!” Dr. Combe exclaimed, handing her some pictures that had been printed. “Mary, lets get that stress down and that weight up.”

“Okay.” Mary responded back as the tech wiped the gel off of her stomach.

“We will let you get dressed and you guys can schedule an appointment on the way out.” Dr. Comb said, before disappearing with the tech and leaving Matthew and Mary in the room alone.

“Why don’t we stop and get a sandwich or something on the way home.” Matthew suggested, handing her a pair of jeans and her underwear from the table. “Since you aren’t fully bound to a bed.”

“I was actually wanting to just go home.” Mary sighed jumping off the exam table on her own.

“Mary, careful.”

“I can do it.” Mary rolled her eyes, stepping into her panties.

“Mary, I think we should talk.” Matthew sighed, standing up from the chair. “You’re clearly upset and I think we should talk. It wasn’t that I didn’t want…”

“No.” Mary said quickly. She didn’t want to talk about it and she was probably more embarrassed then she would admit, but she didn’t feel like she wanted to talk to him. She knew that it shouldn’t have happened and she knew why.

“And it’s a good thing we didn’t.” Matthew expressed, repeating the doctor. “You aren’t cleared for it.”

“No.” Mary snapped, before running her hands over her cheeks.

“No what?” He asked, handing her the sweater.

“No…this. We aren’t talking about this!” Mary groaned, taking her shirt from him. “Just I get it.”

“Get what?” Matthew frowned, trying to step closer to her. “Mary if you think I didn’t want you then you’re wrong.”

“I don’t want to talk about this Matthew.” Mary panicked, walking towards the door. “Just…it’s over. It won’t happen again.”

“That’s not what I…”

“Matthew, no.” Mary sighed, opening the door and walking out, leaving him there. She didn’t want him to try and make her feel better and she didn’t want to think about how it would feel when he wasn’t there or how if he tried to stay, he would always deserve better. Mary was used to feeling like she had the upper hand. It had come with her family, but when it came to Matthew, she didn’t feel worthy of him any longer and he tried to make her feel better about it. Which made her feel like a terrible person.  He didn’t deserve to be treated badly, including the way she just snapped at him, but as she waited to schedule her next appointment and he came and stood next to her, she felt a strong urge to cry. A part of her wondered why this was happening. Why had she been able to reunite with Matthew? Why did Carlisle end up being a terrible husband? Why did she let herself get pregnant? It would be so far less complicated if she hadn’t and why did she want to cry when the ultrasound picture was incredibly perfect. And why did she wish everything was different and feel so guilty about it? Surely Matthew was having regrets about their interactions.   


 

 

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

Matthew was days away from heading back to London for a few nights, meaning Anna would be in Paris to stay in London with Mary for a few days. It would do Mary some good to have a break and see a familiar face while still getting the rest she needed. Ever since the night in the office, things hadn’t been the same. He wasn’t lying to himself. He knew he was in love with her and he knew he wanted to play a role in her future. He never wanted to go back to life before, when he had let her go. However, it would be life her too and it was important to understand that she had a say too. Right now, she was upset. After he had stopped them, it was clear that had upset Mary. However, according to the doctor they had no business doing that, but it didn’t change the fact that she was upset with him for some reason. It had been a full week since the day in the doctor’s office and he was sleeping in the guest room. After that moment in the office, he had stayed in an extra room, but the night after the doctor’s office he went to go to bed after working and the door was locked. She would barely speak to him and she had talked about being too tired each time he offered her a walk. To be fair, she was still getting sick each morning.  The medication helped, but it didn’t always stop it. Except in two weeks she was due for a weigh in at the doctor and there was no way she had gained anything. She was barely touching food and that was something he needed to try and fix before Anna came.

He was working in the kitchen, boiling some pasta that he thought might sit well in her stomach. He wasn’t going to do much to it, just add in a bit of butter, parmesan and some broccoli with a tiny bit of salt. He would get her something to sit, but get her some greens as well. He was desperate to get her to eat. Even if she barely spoke to him. She had come out of her room earlier, sitting by the back door of the apartment and sipping on some tea created for morning sickness. Their conversation was short, before she complained that she was sleeping and she went back in her room, but she didn’t lock the door. He was familiar with her locking the door and she hadn’t. So, as he finished the food, he poured it into two plates, turned the stove off and headed with the tray down the hall. “Mary.”

“Yes?” Her tired voice came from the other side of the door and he was grateful she wasn’t asleep. They needed to talk, even if neither of them really wanted to. He didn’t want to leave her with their head’s in a messy place.

‘I’ve brought you something to eat.” Matthew pushed the door open, seeing her on the bed, legs crossed as she held the television remote in her hand. He smiled, her small body overtaken by the large pillows and fluffy blankets. “Think you could stomach trying something?”

“I’m not really feeling hungry.” She sighed, giving up on finding something to watch on the television and turning the tv off.

“Well, please at least try.” Matthew sighed, climbing onto the bed and placing the tray in front of her. He hadn’t sat down on this bed much in the past week and just doing so reminded him how much he missed it. Not just because of how comfortable was, but he liked being in bed next to Mary. “Just a few bites.”

“My record for eating hasn’t been that great.” She eyed him suspiciously. “And what if you’re not that good of a cook. This looks detailed.”

“Then if you try this and you hate it or it makes you sick, you’re no worse off than you were before I brought it to you.” Matthew laughed, placing a fork onto the plate and handing it to her. He then picked up his own plate, watching as she smelled it and he rolled his eyes. “Mary, I have very little faith that you have gained a single pound.”

“I feel like I have.” She breathed, running her hand over the bump that had grown slightly during the week.

“You haven’t.” He sighed, taking a bite and then putting his plate down and taking hers. He stabbed the fork into the pasta, before holding it up to her.

“Matthew…I can feed myself.” She rolled her eyes, tossing the remote to the end of the bed.

“Take a bite.” He groaned.

“Fine.” She took a deep breath, opening her mouth and taking a bite off the fork and chewing. “There…happy?”

“Very.” He smirked as she fell back against the pillow. She sat there for a moment as he watched her. She bit her lip, before looking over at him. “Okay…it was good. You’re not a terrible chef.”

“Will you eat more?” He asked, handing her the plate. Encouraging her to heat more.

Mary ignored him for a moment, before rolling her eyes again and taking the plate. “Fine.”

“Thank you.” Matthew felt a bit of relief as she took another bite. He wanted to see her take a few bites, but he wouldn’t push. She moved her fork around the plate, before scooping up a piece of broccoli. “Mary, we need to talk.”

“Matthew…” Mary groaned, leaning forward.

“No.” He sighed, standing firm. “I need to talk to you and if you decide afterwards that you want me to get out of the room and leave you alone for the night, I will.”

“Okay.” She chewed slowly, avoiding eye contact with him, but not asking him to stop. He took a deep breath and wondered how much she would actually let him say. “Just…okay.”

“Mary, I know the other night was uncomfortable.” Matthew started and as she started to protest, he put his hand up to let him finish. “No…it was. I wanted you so badly. I didn’t want to stop and I don’t really think you wanted me to stop either. I think we both wanted…it.”

“I did.” She admitted, holding onto a bite on her fork. “And for a moment I thought you did too.”

“Mary, I did.” Matthew insisted, leaning forward and his voice became softer. “What I wanted in that office…you’d blush.  I blush and need a cold shower just thinking about it.  Believe me, I had every intention of finishing what I started. Then, I started to worry that maybe your head wasn’t in a place where you were acting on what you really wanted, but more importantly you had been so physically hurt that it seemed like maybe we needed to be sure it was okay.  Then we went to the doctor the next morning and she said just that. Had I done something to hurt you or the baby…I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. I stopped, because…”

“I’m not fragile.”

“Not usually, but you are right now.”

“Matthew…” Mary started, but he cut her off again.

“Let me finish.” Matthew groaned, looking down at the food she was still nursing. “From the moment we kissed at the carnival, we’ve started this push and pull relationship. Since you were in the hospital, we’ve been acting with things not being said. Sharing a bed, sharing kisses in little moments but we haven’t said anything.  I don’t think its right. We need to make whatever feelings there are very clear, before there is a little person depending on us…or me too hopefully. I should be dating you properly. I should take you to dinner, give you a proper first kiss and then one night after I have completely blown your mind, you’ll let me make love to you.”

“Don’t say that…” Mary breathed, her eyes starting to water and he frowned for a moment, wondering if he had gone too far. She shook her head, before it was clear that she was crying. “Matthew…it can’t be like that.”

“You don’t want to date me?”

“I do. Don’t you get that you idiot?” Mary sobbed with tears streaming down her porcelain skin, slamming the almost empty plate down. “I want you! I’ve never wanted anyone else. Ever! You were all I wanted that day in your office. I wanted you to tell me to leave Carlisle and you didn’t then I got married! You’re here now which is more than I could ask for, but I am pregnant. It’s not your baby, not biologically and you deserve someone who isn’t damaged goods.”

“Couldn’t I just want to make a life with you and the baby? To give you two a family.” He asked, trying to take her hand as she cried harder. “Aren’t I the best judge of what I deserve? I think I get a say.”

“One would think, but you’re still hanging around me.” She rolled her eyes, as Matthew wiped away from of her tears.

“Mary…” He laughed weakly, moving closer to her and wrapping his arms around her. “I know it isn’t what you would have planned for yourself.”

“It certainly is not.”

 “But this is where life has brought you and when you went to Downton it dropped me in there too.” Matthew sighed, reaching his fingers through her hair. “I think we know by now we weren’t ready to end it when you were in my office that day. I tried foolishly, but here we are. We’re crazy if we don’t give this a chance.”

“And if we mess it up?” Mary cried.

“Then we go down in a blaze of glory while fighting the good fight.” He rolled his eyes as she reached for the second plate of pasta. He pushed her hair out of her face as she hiccupped through her tears. He couldn’t help but laugh as he stroked her back. “Mary, we fell into this routine with the kisses and the touching and I don’t want to stop that. I just want to make sure we do it right and at this moment, safely.”

“Have I been ridiculous?” She asked, running her hands over her face, but her body became less tense and he could feel it as he held her close.

“No.” He sighed, kissing the side of her head. “You’re growing an actual person. I think you’re every bit entitled to be emotional and I think you had a right to be upset. I should have made you talk about it that night.”

“I’ve never been good at doing what I was told.”

“True.” He acknowledged as she managed to take a bite of food, still letting little cries out of her small body. “But we should have been more open and to be one hundred percent honest, I was very disappointed when the doctor said no sex. Or no…. actual sex.”

“You were?” She wiped her eyes again, looking up at him.

“Well I just thought we would be told everything would be alright, then I could explain it to you and we would be on our Merry way.” He embarrassingly admitted, taking her hand. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t still enjoy each other’s bodies...I want to still enjoy yours.”

“Before I get fat?”

“Before, during and after.” He grinned, leaning forward and kissing her salty lips. Thankful that she kissed him back even though he could tell she was still crying a bit. “And whenever you get cleared, I want to enjoy you that way too, if you want to enjoy me.”

“I do.” She breathed, pressing her lips into his again and he couldn’t stop smiling.

He pulled away from her, licking his lips then looking down to the plate in front of him. She had finished most of her plate, and now he realized at some point she had dipped into the broccoli from his plate. “Hey.”

“What?” She leaned into his shoulder.

“Are you eating my plate now?”

“I like the broccoli.” She said, still whimpering a bit as she tried to catch her breath.

“I…. well at least you’re eating.” He laughed, leaning back into the bed. He couldn’t argue with her about that. He would gladly let her eat his entire plate if it meant she would try. “So, can we try? Try to test the waters? I don’t want to waste time, but I won’t rush you. I just want us to feel this out and hopefully it goes well, which I think it will. I want to date you and try to sweep you off your feet.”

“I’m not easily swept.” She said, sounding confident as she took another bite of food, stopped and looked at him. She was thoughtful for a moment, swallowing her food. “But I’m okay if we try.”

“Perfect.” Matthew smiled, holding her closer. He wasn’t sure if his message had gotten fully across, but he knew it wouldn’t until Mary decided to trust him and even herself. She was struggling a lot and sometimes he wanted to kill Richard Carlisle for making her this way. Deep down he wanted to tell her that he had already thought this through, that he wanted to raise her baby with her. Blood didn’t matter. It took a real man to raise a child and Richard Carlisle was no man. He was a coward. Matthew knew himself and he was going to love that baby as if it was his own. He couldn’t tell Mary that yet. He needed her to be convinced that he deserved a seat at the table with her. That he didn’t want to just play the role of father to her child, he wanted to be that role. He had lived in anticipation from the day he heard she would be back at Downton Abbey. When he saw her again, he knew he wanted her forever even though she was married at the time and when he found out she was pregnant, he grew protective of her and her small unborn child. Then something had clicked in him recently. It wasn’t just about accepting her child, it meant loving her child and he knew he did the moment he felt the bump her body.  He wouldn’t push, but he would just show her love and hope she continued to give him a chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

Mary was sitting on the barstool of the kitchen counter while Matthew walked throughout the house, making sure everything was ready for him to leave. Anna would be there in an hour and then he would head out for his train. She had tried to convince him that she was fine alone, but he scheduled a train to take after Anna was at the flat. She thought he might be going a bit crazy, because he labeled her nausea medication for Anna as if Mary couldn’t be trusted to administer them herself. When she reminded him that she could handle it, he said it was just in case she forgot and the nausea hit her too hard to get it for herself. A part of it made her laugh, because Matthew was constantly in this protective mode, he was trying to think of everything. Anna was going to laugh when she realized Matthew intended to give her a ‘tour’ and a go over of everything. Mary had stopped fighting him on doing it herself, it seemed to make him feel better about leaving. It didn’t help matters that Carlisle’s lawyer had yet to return the papers with any signature, saying he had until a specified date to submit them. She half expected this. For Carlisle to make it difficult in any way he could. He had agreed to everything else, but he had a set amount of time before he was required to submit the paper’s and he was going to make it count. For that reason, she and her family had decided that she would stay in London longer than a month. They wanted to make sure everything was safe and as clean as possible with getting her ex out of her life and in order to protect her unborn child, she agreed it was the right thing to do.

So, now Mary was sitting at the counter top eating some of the buttered noodles and broccoli that Matthew had cooked up again, because it along with Apples was the only thing she could really stomach to eat. He laughed, because since he had made it a few days ago, it was pretty much all she wanted. Sometimes it wouldn’t sit well, but she had to have it. They had gone on a walk right when the sun had come up and it was all she could talk about. As Matthew walked back into the kitchen, Mary finished her plate of noodles and looked up at him. “And when will you be back?”

“In three nights, four full days.” Matthew answered, opening the refrigerator and counting the number of sparkling waters. “That should last you while I am gone, but just order more to the flat if you need. I will be back Friday night.”

“Matthew, are you sure Anna is okay to leave me for the six hours on Sunday? The ones before your train arrives in?” Mary teased, watching as he popped his head up and actually looked concerned for a moment. “Matthew, I am joking.”

“Don’t tease. I am trying to make sure you stay out of the hospital and gain weight.” He walked over, taking the plate from in front of her. “Do you want any more?”

“No, thank you.” She yawned, feeling a bit nauseated. The medicine worked, but often times her nausea was bad enough that she could still be taken down by it and by looking at the clock, it seemed quite normal that she would be tired around this time.

“Mary, you need to sleep.” Matthew pushed her hair back, examining the space on her hairline where the stitches had finally been removed. “Go to sleep and when you wake up Anna will be here.”

“I can sleep later.” Mary sighed, looking down at her phone to make sure Anna hadn’t texted. “So, you’ll be home Friday night.”

“Friday night.” He sighed, entangling his hands in her hair in a way that she had come to love and, in a way, made her feel a little crazy.  A good crazy. “Do you want me to bring anything back with me?”

“What would you bring back?” She asked, nervously placing her arms around his neck. She looked up at him, realizing she was going to miss the details of his face and looking at how striking his eyes were.

“I’m sure I’ll think of something…” He said, placing a soft kiss on her lips.

“Anything you want…. here when you come home?” She breathed, pushing his hair from his eyes.

“You. Naked.” He smirked.

“Matthew, don’t be vulgar!” She smacked his arm, admitting to herself she had meant it to be flirtatious. “Besides…we can’t do that.”

“But we can do other things.” He teased, kissing her again and she was pretty sure she was blushing. “Just can’t get carried away.”

“Matthew…” She pressed her nose against his, kissing him hard because she was certain he was doing some sort of mind trick with her. Her body would burn in a very satisfying way when he kissed her and from sitting on the barstool, she wrapped her legs around him. “Don’t start something you can’t finish…”

“Oh, I can finish…” He joked, moving his lips to her neck.

“Matthew...I’m serious.” She groaned, her eyes closing. “Don’t leave…”

“I have too…”

“I know.” Feeling his hand slide up her sleep top, her skin tingling below him. “So, don’t start…”

“But its so much fun…” His hand found her breast. “Isn’t it?”

“Uh huh…” Mary gasped, his thumb moving over her nipple and she was pretty sure she was going to need him to stop. “Matthew…”

“Yeah?” He kissed softly below her ear, sending shockwaves down her body. She was pretty sure if he didn’t stop, he would be late or she wouldn’t be able to stop.

“I…” Mary started, before the doorbell filled the flat and Matthew stopped. She pressed her head against his chest. “Anna…”

“Damn…” He pulled away, kissing her head. “Saved by the bell.”

“Were we?” She breathed, hopping down from the barstool and following him towards the front door. When he opened it, the small petite blonde opened her arms smiling. “Anna!”

“Mary!” Anna jumped in the doorway and Matthew stepped out to grab her bags, far too many for a short few days.

“You do know I only plan to have you stay until Friday?” Matthew laughed, bringing the luggage inside.

“I do.” Anna laughed, pointing to the biggest bag. “Cora sent some clothes; a pregnancy pillow she ordered and Mrs. Patmore and Daisy sent some goodies. Especially if you guys are leaning towards staying longer.”

“That was kind of them.” Matthew smiled, closing the front door. “We’ll make a decision probably right after I get back.”

“Yes. We will.” Mary smiled, looking up at Matthew.

“Oh my gosh.” Anna gasped, looking down at Mary’s waist and stepping forward. “Is that…you’re starting to show. Can I feel?”

“Sure.” Mary giggled as Anna barely even waited for her approval, her hand moving over her abdomen. She loved how Anna got excited over babies and figured with Anna here, she would likely start to feel a bit more excited.  Anna’s laughter was contagious. “It’s easy to cover up until I wear something not as loose.”

“It’s so perfect.” Anna smiled, looking up at her friend. “Oh Mary. There is a baby in there!”

“There is.” Mary breathed, looking over at Matthew who had a grin across his face. He looked happy. He didn’t mind her stomach that was growing, but sometimes she wondered if it was just because he loved her. She wasn’t going to focus on her fears right now. She spent way too much time doing it and after their talk the other day, it wasn’t something she needed to always worry about.

“Anna, if you’re ready I can show you some things before I head out.” Matthew offered.

“Oh of course.” Anna pulled her hands back. “I’ll return.”

“Okay…” Mary breathed watching as Matthew and Anna made their way down the hall. She was excited about Anna being here and she knew Anna would be fun while Matthew was gone, but she had a feeling she was going to miss him terribly. Not due to what was about to happen in the kitchen, but because she wanted to be with him. She was going to miss the way he wrapped his arms around her when she was feeling ill or when they were sleeping. She was going to miss their kisses, the way she felt when he was trying to turn her on or the way he comforted her when she began to cry. He was amazing like that and Mary felt that a few days without him, seemed far too long. She would have fun with Anna and she likely needed the space to think about things she couldn’t put in her mind when he was there, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t count down the seconds until he was back with her.

 

 

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

When Mary opened her eyes, she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to be awake for the day, but then she remembered she had already been up once that morning and had fallen back to sleep once she took some nausea medication. Anna had set her up with a bit of breakfast and she successfully consumed a few bites of it, before her child decided it didn’t like Yorkshire pudding. From there, she felt like nothing else would sit well, so she took the medication and slept for hours. Now, she was still unsure if she was ready to get out of bed and find out what Anna was doing. The night before, Anna had gotten some cleaning down in the flat unpacked all of the things that had been sent over from Downton. She opted to close her eyes again, stopping as she heard a knock on the door of the bedroom. “Mary?”

“Yes?” Mary rolled onto her back, as Anna opened the door and smiled weakly. Her hair and makeup were already done, but her clothing was rather casual.

“I just wanted to make sure you were well.” Anna stepped in, a blouse over her arm and Mary remembered she had told Anna one of the buttons had come off of a blouse she liked to wear, though it was highly unlikely it would fit much longer and she wasn’t wearing more than loungewear these days. “You were looking quite green in the dining room.”

“I was feeling quite green.” Mary sat up as Anna entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “I feel bad. I’m not much of the hostess these days.”

“Well you are growing a baby, which I imagine can be quite exhausting.” Anna sighed, holding up the blouse to show Mary the replaced button. “I made sure to reinforce it.”

“Thank you.” Mary sighed, taking the shirt and sitting it delicately on her bedside table. “How is Bates?”

“He’s very well.” Anna smiled, reaching for her phone and pulling up a picture, before handing it forward for Mary to look at. “Although working with the younger guys at Downton has rubbed off. Jimmy taught him how to use this console…. plays games and I am pretty sure he’s been hinting for one in the cottage.”

“Oh no.” Mary laughed, trying to imagine Mr. Bates playing video games. “Poor you.”

“Oh, I guess it would be okay for him to have some fun.” Anna sighed. “He works so hard then is always working on something at home for me.”

“You’ve always kept him on his toes.” Mary pointed out, sitting up against the bed and straightening the pillows the way Matthew showed her and Anna.

“How is it here with Matthew?” Anna asked, looking over as Mary settled under the covers.

“It’s fine.” Mary shrugged, avoiding eye contact with Anna as she picked up her phone. “He’s quite kind and attentive

.”

“Attentive?” Anna questioned, looking at her oddly. “He is taking great care of you.”

“He is.” Mary confirmed, before looking up at Anna. “I’ve been in good hands.”

“You have.” Anna nodded, before letting out a giggle. “Mary, out with it.”

“Out with what?” She frowned, as Anna shook her head. “What?”

“That kiss.” Anna placed her hand over her heart and she was reminded of what a hopeless romantic her friend was. “Mary…I didn’t realize you guys were kissing like that.”

“Oh.” Mary blushed, dropping her phone onto the comforter carelessly. “It’s nothing.”

“It is certainly not nothing.” Anna replied, kicking off her shoes, lifting her legs up on the bed and crossing them. “Spill.”

“Spill what?” Mary acted confused. She wasn’t sure what surprised her more. That Matthew had kissed her so obviously before he left or that Anna walked in mid-kiss and probably heard her moan a little. She had never experienced a kiss like the ones he gave her in her life, but she should have cut it off before Anna could walk in. Now her cheeks were hot.

“Oh, come on.” Anna laughed, rolling her eyes. “You’re sleeping with him!”

“It’s just sleeping.” Mary said quickly. She wasn’t exactly lying.

“Liar.”

“It is!” Mary insisted as Anna focused on her. Mary knew Anna was on to her and she was sure her warm cheeks weren’t helping. “It’s just sleeping, because the doctors haven’t cleared me for anything else.”

“Mary!” Anna shrieked. “What do you mean because you aren’t cleared for anything else? Like you guys…”

“We haven’t had sex if that’s what you’re trying to hint.” Mary sighed, sounding almost disappointed. She wasn’t one to talk about these things too obviously. Especially when she was with Carlisle, but Anna was her best friend and they had a lot to catch up on. “We’re just…kind of testing the relationship out a bit.”

“But you guys are together?” Anna inquired, lying down sideways in the bed.

“I think so.” Mary looked at Anna, who was waiting to hear more. She wasn’t really sure what to tell Anna, because there was so much to be worked out with Matthew. “I mean he wants to be and I like him a lot…he loves me. Or he says he does.”

“He does.” Anna confirmed, having known them both for years. “And he loves you more than Sir. Richard ever did.”

“Sir Richard had his moments.” Mary sighed.

“Mary, you don’t have to say good things.  You can if you really mean them.” Anna placed her hand over Mary’s. “I know why you married him and I understand. I just don’t know how someone who did what he did, had his moments.”

“I guess you’re right.” Mary shrugged, leaning against the pillows. “Still, I wonder if Matthew truly knows how a baby changes things, when it isn’t his.”

“I think he does.” Anna replied, thinking to herself for a moment. “And if I know Matthew, I think he’s ready and wanting to take on the role of father.”

“For his own child.” Mary sighed, pushing her hair behind her ears. “He asks about the baby and he acts interested, but I think he thinks he can just jump in there.  I don’t think the connection would be that easy.”

“But he loves you.”

“And he thinks that’s the magic ingredient.” Mary explained. “He loves me and I really love him. He says that he loves the baby, because it’s a part of me.”

“And do you love him?” Anna asked.

“Of course, I do.”

“Have you told him?” Anna followed up her question with one Mary was afraid to answer.

“No…I don’t know…I don’t think I said it back.” Mary replied, trying to replay the conversation in her mind. She remembered him telling her and she remembered him kissing her, but she didn’t remember if she had said she loved him back. She did love him back. She needed to tell him that. “Either way, I can’t commit to anything long term right now. I want to, but I can’t rope him in to a long-term relationship and just assume he will take on a roll to my child. I want him to love my child, because he loves it not because it came with me. I want to be with him, but that constantly pops into my head.”

“Okay, but is it possible he would love your child?” Anna responded, sitting up again and looking across from. “I mean do you have to be sure before you commit to him? Matthew Crawley is a very kind and gentle soul. I can’t see why he wouldn’t fall in love the moment your child is born. I think he loves you so much, that the baby would come out and he’d love it.”

“It seems like a big gamble.” Mary sighed, tears coming to her eyes. Her emotions were all over the place an she knew these were things that she had to think about, even after telling Matthew she loved him. “What if I have my baby and he realizes that he wants one of his own? Then what if we have a second one and the first baby is always neglected by Matthew?”

“You’ve thought about this before.” Anna said quietly.

“Every single day.” Mary nodded.

“And does he know you’re not a hundred percent sure about committing until you can be sure he loves this baby?”

“No, because when Matthew talks to me and says things and kisses me, I don’t think of these things or its not the right time.” Mary argued softly. “And when it is the right time, is there even a way for him to prove it until it’s too late?  I mean we won’t ever surely know until the baby is born. I love the baby, but it’s my baby.  I have to love it.”

“Not necessarily.” Anna giggled. “Some parents don’t love their children.”

“Well, I love mine.” Mary sighed, reaching for her phone again. “And I love Matthew, but I don’t know how to solve my fear of knowing if he truly loves my child.  How do I even test that?”

“You can’t.” Anna shrugged. “You can’t just test love. Or you can, but not in a medical way. It’s just something you see.  And I think you guys being away and alone in Paris is quite good for you guys. You’re getting this time together that you’ve missed out on. I really think if you just watch, you might find he will love the child.”

“Possibly.” Mary whimpered, placing her head in her hands. “Oh god…what is wrong with me?”

“You’re pregnant.  That’s what.” Anna laughed, resting her head on Mary’s shoulder as she cried. Mary was sure Anna though sweet as can be, was getting a kick out of it. Mary was not an overly emotional person, but had become more so over the course of her short marriage to Richard Carlisle. Now she was pregnant and she was pretty sure it was programmed in her to cry every few hours. Right now, she was crying over whether or not she told Matthew she loved him and whether or not Matthew could truly love her baby. That was a big thing for her, because Anna was right. Love wasn’t something easily tested, because it was something she would have to see. She would need to see how Matthew was with the baby to truly know and that wouldn’t put her mind at ease. So, she was sitting in her bed, crying and laughing with her best friend, because she wasn’t a mind reader or a fortune teller. Essentially that is why Mary was crying. She wanted her mind put at ease, but she couldn’t do that. The one thing she could do, was let Matthew know how much they loved him. How much she and her baby loved having him around right now and hope that helped. He meant the world to them and the way she knew Matthew, she knew her own baby would love him one day. The heir thing didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. If the baby was a boy, she’d figure something out. If it was a girl, well that would make things easier. However, of all of the old traditional family titles, the only one she cared about was just family. The complications didn’t matter and she hoped they didn’t matter to him either. Boy or girl they could figure it out. The thing she was worried about though, was blood. She couldn’t change that this baby didn’t have Matthew’s blood, it had Carlisle’s and Matthew wasn’t fond of him at all. Neither was she, but it was still her baby. She was going to have to have to show Matthew and tell him some how when he got home that she loved him and how much him being around her meant. Hopefully, one day her mind would be put at ease.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

Matthew Crawley had the day from hell. As a solicitor he rarely had a rough day working for the publishing clients, but it had been hell. Working in Paris had been great, but the meetings while in London were back to back and ran incredibly long. Then there was missing Mary. He never thought it could be possible to miss someone as much as he missed her. He missed the way her face scrunched when she was waking up, the way she sipped delicately at a glass of water as if it was the most expensive glass of wine and he loved the way her body fit into his when he hugged her or kissed her. That was probably what was making this trip hell. He loved that woman more than he could put into words and it was killing him to be away from her. They had texted back and forth, then he would text Anna to find out how she really was. Mary always said she was doing well and Anna would be honest. Mary had stopped keeping food down overnight and now he was worried. He told Anna to make sure to give her the nausea medication again and if that didn’t help, take her to the hospital. So far, Anna had responded to say Mary was sleeping on and off. He really wished he could go back to Paris and get in bed with her, kiss the side of her head, place his hand on her slight abdominal bump and fall asleep next to her. That was how he slept now and a pillow in his London rental was not cutting it. Just as his food was delivered, his phone rang and he lit up when he saw it was Mary. “You’re awake.”

“Anna said you texted her earlier to check on me.” Her voice was soft, tired and a little more raspy than normal.

“I did.” He smiled into the phone, wondering what she was doing. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” Mary breathed and he could tell she was moving around a bit. “My baby doesn’t like Yorkshire putting or tomatoes. I believe he or she is staging a riot.”

“A picky eater.” He leaned back into the chair of the restaurant. “I see a lot of dinner battles with a determined toddler in our future.”

“Great.” She said sarcastically, before changing the subject. “What are you doing now?”

“I just ordered dinner.” Matthew responded, reaching for his drink. “What about you?”

“Anna is making popcorn and I am hiding from the smell just in case.” Mary laughed, before clearing her throat. “We are going to watch movies, but we decided I would hide from the smell just in case.”

“That is a good idea.” Matthew said into the phone, looking up as patrons walked by. “Hopefully the nausea goes away soon.”

“I hope so.” Mary sighed, taking a deep breath. He listened to her for a moment, wishing he was there with her. Just to see her and talk with her. She was amazing company and the trip he was on couldn’t end soon enough. “I would love to eat a big meal and not feel like death afterwards.”

“When it subsides, I will buy you your dream meal.” Matthew promised, reaching for his fork. “I’ll be home soon.”

“You will.” Mary said, her voice soft. “Matthew?”

“Yes?” He stirred his fork around his plate.

“I miss you.” She admitted, sending goosebumps to his arms.

“Mary, I wish you knew how I miss you too.” He smiled into the phone, hoping she could hear the smile. “The trip is winding down. I’ll be back in Paris soon.”

“Good.” She replied, before he heard Anna in the background ask if she was ready. “Hey, I have to go. The popcorn is finished and Anna has quite a few movies lined up. Apparently, Bates wasn’t in agreement about a few movies so I have to watch them with her.”

“I should be grateful for Bates, that might mean I am off the hook with a few myself.” Matthew laughed, knowing he needed to let her go, but also wanting to hear her voice just a bit longer.

“Possibly.” Mary replied, confident but exhausted. “I should go. Anna is ready.”

“Okay.” He couldn’t stop smiling as the restaurant he was in got a bit louder from the crowd. “You go. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Alright.” She breathed and he wished he was right there with her. He’d watch any more she wanted, just to be back in Paris. Shortly he would be. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” He breathed, before disconnecting the call. Matthew knew he had probably fallen way too hard for Mary this time around. Every other time in the past, there had been this push and pull relationship. He wanted her, she wouldn’t want him. She wanted him and he would let her go. There weren’t a lot of periods where they were doing really well for an extended period of time. Except when he had let her walk out and get married, it didn’t really take long for him to realize he’d made a mistake. There was a small part of him that had wanted to immediately go find her in London in the weeks after the nuptials and plead with her to back out and leave him. Except, he knew it was wrong. He wouldn’t heave felt right and normally he wouldn’t have felt right about kissing her during the carnival or running off to Paris with her, except he didn’t know he would be possibly saving her life. That night on his front porch, he initially had no idea what was going on for her at home. He should have felt bad, but once he knew it changed everything.  It had become a fight to save her and to right his wrong. He would spend the rest of his life wanting to makeup for the love she didn’t receive when she was married. For the care, for the comfort and for the sense of safety. She would always be safe, that was the most important thing for her to know.

“Matthew Crawley.” A stern voice came from in front of him and he looked up to find a man in a coat with a top hat, who promptly removed it now that he was inside. Standing in front of him was the devil himself, Richard Carlisle.

“Richard Carlisle.” Matthew stood up out of respect, though he was instantly reminded this man wasn’t worthy of any respect.

“I see you’ve made your way to London after convincing my wife to take up with you and her family.” Richard was uninvited, but pulled out a chair and sat down across from him anyways. “I see you’ve filled Mary’s head with lies and invented truths about me.”

“We’ve done no such thing and you know that.” Matthew scoffed, leaning forward to avoid shouting. “We got her out of your grasp which nearly killed her.  We’d do it all again.”

“Mary has contrived stories in her mind and decided to share them with others.” Carlisle sighed, acting as if he was concerned. Matthew knew better. “My wife. I care very deeply for her. She’s sick. I had a strong feeling she wasn’t right in her mind and then when she started drinking. The alcohol. She was bored. I knew it. She knew it and I tried. I tried to make our lives better, but she was servant to the bottle.”

“You’re telling lies.” Matthew gritted through his teeth, remembering Carlisle wasn’t worth it and sitting back in his seat. “You want to anger me. To give me doubts in Mary.”

“I want my wife. I want her back and I want to get her the help she needs.” Carlisle’s voice remained even, his face serious. “We need counseling, but sadly I can’t ask her for that due to the agreement with her father’s lawyer. The only way that is broken is if Mary comes to me.”

“She won’t come to you.” Matthew assured him. “She’s far better off out of your grasp. Where you can’t hurt her, where she can be happy and treated well.”

“And you’re the best to make that decision? To raise my child?” Carlisle asked.

“You don’t care about that child.”

“You’re right, but Mary is far more valuable to me than a baby.” Carlisle boiled, leaning forward with his fist on the table. “Do you think a child would fit into my life? No, I needed something for Mary to do. I needed it for the reputation and because you, Lord Grantham and everyone else, you’ve convinced her of things.”

“We’ve convinced her of nothing other than to go after what is better for her.”

“And you’re the best judge of that?” Carlisle groaned. “You can’t handle her Matthew. She’s too much to handle.  I’ll sign those papers, but she’ll never be happy with you. Or that baby. Mary will be a terrible mother. She’s too selfish.”

“Maybe she wasn’t selfish enough.” Matthew replied, waiving for the bill. “Sign the paper’s Carlisle. Your reputation would never recover from what Lord Grantham and the rest of us can bring you down with and you know it. Let Mary be happy with her baby. You just admitted you didn’t want it.”

“And you do?” Carlisle had some nerve. Matthew couldn’t believe he had the nerve to sit down at this table and then try to say these lies about Mary.

“What I have or don’t have with Mary isn’t any of your business. What I will say is that this child is about far more than blood.” Mathew gritted his teeth, wanting to punch Carlisle. That wouldn’t fix anything. “You let that go the moment you laid a hand on her.”

“She slipped.”

“You may tell yourself that.” Matthew began, sliding his card onto the tray and the server came to pick it up. Matthew wasn’t going to sit here and listen to Carlisle lie.  He stood, waiting for the server to come back as he slid his jacket on to his shoulders. “Except we all know the truth and we know you’ve made an agreement. Sign the papers. You don’t really want her for anything else than having a wife with a position and to look good on your arm and you certainly don’t want that baby.”

“You won’t ever fully make her happy, you know.” Richard Carlisle said, folding his hands on the table. “You’ll be boring to her. She won’t be your biggest cheerleader or the mother of the year. She doesn’t believe in serving her husband and one day you’ll wake up and realize she’s nothing special.”

“Richard, one thing you have wrong about me is assuming that I will cave to your allegations against Mary and urge her to return to you. I would never direct her back to a life where she’s treated as someone’s personal punching bag only to die shortly after, regardless of loving her or not.” Mathew signed the receipt, sitting it down on the table. “She’s moved on with her life and with her child.”

“With you.” Carlisle smirked, rolling his eyes and looking back at the table. “Enjoy your life with delusional, alcoholic bitch.”

“Sign the papers.” Matthew glared, before walking past the table and not caring that he bumped Carlisle. He thought about what it would have meant to go back and thank Carlisle for not loving Mary the way she deserved, because that meant he could. He could go to bed with her, wake up with her, spend nights sleepless caring for a crying baby with her, but that would do nothing. He didn’t need to go back and say anything to him. Carlisle’s lies had no place in his mind. They were laughable and he wasn’t even going to tell Mary. There was no reason to mess with her wellbeing right now and stressing her out over Carlisle wasn’t on his list of priorities. She was getting to a better place.  Things between the two of them had moved fast if they were new to each other, but really slow for anyone that actually knew them. He wanted her to be happy and this wouldn’t make her happy. It would add unneeded tension to her pregnancy and Carlisle had an obligation. The papers would be signed and there would be no place for him in their lives. Mary would have a baby and they could raise it together. He’d do anything for her. He’d raise the baby as if it was his own and frankly, he hoped she would let him. Falling asleep at night with Mary while clutching her stomach had become his favorite thing and he couldn’t wait to see it grow. The baby wasn’t his blood, but he was fascinated by how he felt. Maybe it was Mary, maybe it was a feeling that the baby might one day recognize him as the only father figure in his life or that Mary would even allow him to be there. Carlisle was wrong about everything. He wouldn’t regret loving Mary and her baby. He never could. They were his family now.

 

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

Hey guys! I am bad at posting warnings, but I wouldn’t read this one at work 😉

 

 

Mary wasn’t known for her great trips through the land of spontaneity.  She was usually quite buttoned up, or at least that depended on who you asked. However, Matthew was returning to Paris tonight and she had wanted to surprise him.  From the moment she arrived at Downton, up until now, he had been the most caring, supportive and loving man and while she was sometimes distant or cold, she wanted him to know how much she loved him. He didn’t have to be here. When he found out she was pregnant, he could have easily asked someone to come in his place, but instead he seemed to dedicate even more of himself to her and it wasn’t fair. She loved him dearly and he loved her, but he wasn’t someone who asked for these complications. So, she wanted to do something romantic and refreshing to him, instead of just being curled up in bed when he got home. Anna had left hours before, so Mary had hopped in the shower, shaved her legs and tossed on a very light touch of makeup before tossing her robe over her body and heading into the kitchen. She wasn’t one hundred percent sure what she was going to do. Matthew was about an hour away so there was no time to make any dinner reservations and it wasn’t like she really felt like getting dolled up. Her energy was always short lived, so she grabbed a few strawberries Anna had washed and tossed them into a bowl before tossing some chocolate in a bowl and melting it chocolate covered strawberries were a bit cliché, but she still didn’t have a plan. So, she quickly dipped the berries and placed them in the freezer to dry quickly. Matthew would be back soon and she wasn’t ready. Ready for what? She wasn’t sure. She would welcome him home wearing just her robe, not quite his one request, and strawberries dipped in chocolate. She felt like it wasn’t enough, but there wasn’t much time to get super creative. She would just have to see where the moment took her. She had one last idea, to go check what luggage and shoes she had, grateful that Anna had packed her a few additional pieces to loungewear. Since she was staying longer than a month, she would make a mental note to do some online shopping. Mary slid on a pair of red pumps, before walking over to the kitchen to check on the strawberries. They were just solid enough that she was grateful there was at least one miracle. She would wait on the bed until he came home and hope she didn’t fall asleep.  Mary sat the plate in the center of the bed, before climbing up and sitting up against the pillows. As she struggled on where to place her legs, she heard the front door to the flat open and suddenly she felt really stupid. “Mary!”

“Bedroom!” She called, deciding to just stand up and walk to the door. As she heard his shoes on the hard wood floors, she untied her robe, before pulling the lever door knob and opening the door. “Hey.”

“I…hey.” Matthew stopped, his jaw almost dropping and he ran his hand over his mouth. “You’re naked.”

“I have a robe on.” Mary responded as he began to chuckle. “You’re laughing. Why are you laughing?”

“I’m not laughing like that. And your robe is open, you’re mostly naked.” Matthew said quickly, shaking his head. “I didn’t think you would really…. I’m so glad you are.”

“Yeah?” She stepped back in the door way, flipping one of her heels off. Then kicking off the next one. He was home and standing in front of her and she just felt so happy he was right there. “Welcome home. Or I guess I should say welcome back to Paris.”

“Home is where you are.” He replied, pulling his sweater off of his body, tossing it to the side.

“I’ve missed you.” She replied, her hands moving to his bare chest. “Thought about you a lot…”

“Yeah?”

“A lot.” She repeated, reaching for his belt.

“God you’re beautiful.” He shook his head, moving his hands to her shoulders, her hands moving briefly away from his waist before he began pushing the thin black fabric off of her shoulders, carelessly letting it fall to the ground. Mary lightly shivered, before pressing her body against his and the first thing he did was wrap his arms around her. He had to be careful, they couldn’t go too far and Mary knew it wouldn’t be easy as her mind instantly became filled with a haze.

“Matthew.” She whispered, his hands moving to her waist.

“I’ll be careful…” She knew he meant it. She knew he knew what they could do and what they couldn’t, but she needed to tell him. She needed to say something so important, but her hands were moving back to his belt, quickly fumbling with it. “We’ll do other things.”

“Matthew….” She breathed, pushing his lips away from hers for a moment, lightly pressing his finger against them. “Wait.”

“What’s wrong?” He reached for her hand, kissing her finger then down to her hand.

“I love you.” She whispered breathlessly and he pulled his lips away for a moment and smiled coyly. “I’m in love with you.”

“You are?” He breathed, moving her hand to his side, lightly grabbing her face.

“Very….in love with you…” She reached for his hand, backing up towards the bed.

“Are those chocolate covered strawberries?” He grinned, noticing the plate on the bed.

“Yeah…” She sat back on the bed, reaching for one off the plate and moving it up to his lips.

As Matthew went to take a light bite, Mary pulled the fruit away from his lips, taking a bite herself, her eyes closing. “Mary…that’s not playing fair…”

“Why not.” She giggled, taking another bite and some of the juice dripped on her legs. 

“Damn it…” His eyes darkened and he immediately pushed his pants off, standing in front of her. She giggled again, this time moving the remaining fruit to his lips as he took a soft bite. He leaned forward, kissing her hard as he reached for the plate to move it back to the night stand. “Mary, we have to be careful.”

“I…I know…” She said, her voice soft and she felt a bit of a disappointment. Except now Matthew was moving onto the bed, aligning his body beside her.

“I want you so bad.” He breathed, moving his hands down her side, pressing his lips against hers.

“I want you too.” She felt her voice crack, almost whining as he moved his hands down to her center and her back arched against him. A part of her wanted to say to hell with it, throw herself on top of him and just be done with it. She had thought about moments like this even while lying in bed with her husband. Thoughts she shouldn’t have had as a married woman except now things were different and she wanted him. “Matthew…”

“What do you want?” He smirked against her lips, his fingers dancing along her folds.

“I want you to…I want to feel you inside of me.” She admitted, his lips pulling away and their eyes met. “Please…”

“I can’t right now….” He kissed her again, before lowering his head down to her bare breasts. “You know that…”

“Then stop doing that…” She moaned, her hand moving to her forehead. “Damn it…”

“I will…” He teased, twirling his tongue around her nipple. He then kissed up her neck. “I’ll stop right now…” “Don’t…” She groaned, reaching between them and wrapping her hand around him. “I want you inside of me.”

“I can’t.” He kissed her again, his own moan escaping as she began to massage him, sending shivers up his spine. “Mary.”

“We go to the doctor in a week…or a week ish…” She teased, pulling gently as he cried out. “It wouldn’t probably be fine.”

“I…no Mary.” He gasped, pushing her hands away. She frowned innocently against his lips. “We can’t do this. Not until you’re safe.”

“I am safe.” She teased, moving her hands back and he pushed her hand away, rolling onto his back.

“You’re very safe…” He gasped and covered his eyes, his erection quite evident in between the both of them.

“Why did you stop?” Mary turned on her side, moving her lips to his. “We need each other…”

“We do and believe me, but we have to wait until the doctor clears you.” His own voice shook a bit and she moved her hand back over his erection, teasing him lightly. “Mary, don’t. It’s not fair for you.”

“You’ve been so amazing.” She replied, sitting up on the bed, before straddling his legs. She leaned forward, placing a light kiss to his chest, trailing kisses lightly down his abdomen. “I want you to know that.”

“Shit.” He gasped, feeling her lips move around him and he arched his waist into her mouth.

“Matthew…” Mary moaned as she felt a bit of a bubble in her stomach, now she was pulling away. Her hand moving to cover her mouth as she realized just how right he was. She had done this before to men and she had never started to feel sick and suddenly she realized her plans were coming to a screeching halt. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?” He frowned, looking up and frowning. Their eyes met and she knew he realized what was going on.  Except he was in a bit of a predicament and couldn’t quite get up. “Mary…”

“I’m sorry…” She felt tears come to her eyes as her face turned red. Her nausea had not yet subsided and she was trying to do something incredibly romantic and her nausea took over.

“What’s wrong…” He frowned as she began to cry and he waved her over. He frowned, quickly the fog cleared and there he was trying to get her to him. “Mary come here. It’s okay.”

“I should be able to pleasure you and give you satisfaction of being with me. You didn’t ask for this.” Mary cried, falling against the bed. “My goal was to tell you I loved you and then show you and I tried.”

“I…Mary. I want you with every fiber of my being and believe it or not, I do feel what you’re trying to show.” He admitted, pulling her to him and kissing against her head. His voice was firm as he was still quite uncomfortable. She felt him wrap his arms around her and her eyes closed. “I should have stopped you. We shouldn’t be doing anything until the both of us can enjoy it and its safe.  It is most important that you and the baby are safe and feel alright.”

“But what if we go and the doctor says I’m not ready? What if the doctor determines I can’t?” Mary cried, pressing her face into his chest. “You’re a man and you deserve those things and why is this happening? I can’t even do this right.”

“Mary, I am quite certain you are capable of doing that right and one day I can’t wait to let you do that again.” Matthew explained, pulling a blanket on top of them. “But we’re mad if we think we should be doing anything until you’re clear. I don’t want to enjoy something if you can’t enjoy something too. It isn’t fair.”

“I just want this to be easier.” She breathed, resting her head on his chest. “I want us to explore each other’s bodies and I want you to want to be with me.”

“Oh Mary…” He kissed her head, lacing his hand with hers. “I want to be with you and we will do all of these things. When we both can enjoy and when you’re feeling better.  And believe me, you won’t ever have to worry about me wanting you.  I want you at all times.”

“What if I get cleared, but I’m still not well?” Mary replied, knowing her nausea an exhaustion has been impacting her.  “You can’t wait months.”

“Mary, I’ve waited this long for you.” Matthew chuckled, placing a soft kiss on her lips. “I’m lying on a bed naked with you which is far more than I have ever had before and believe me it does something. It makes things right in the world.”

“It does?” She whispered, her heart still pounding from the humiliation. She had wanted to do something extra romantic, sexy and satisfying when she told him she loved him. To let him know just how much she had wanted him. She still did, except pregnancy had a way of ruining her plans.

“Yes, and I highly suggest we spend more time just being naked together.” Matthew stroked her beck and she felt at least a bit better.

“I can arrange that.” She breathed, resting her head on his chest and hoping she could get over this hump. It was humiliating no matter how comforting Matthew was. She wanted to please him, she wanted to be with him physically and in every other way she could. She had the feeling that there could never be enough, but she just wanted to experience it and forge that the little flub that happened today ever happened. It was humiliating and Matthew went on to assure her that they would laugh about it one day, but right now she wasn’t so sure. She was pretty certain this was payback for something and in some way, her baby was trying to ruin her. She paused, knowing how dramatic it was and she cupped her hand over her stomach, silently apologizing. The truth was, she had been worried about whether or not she could love her child based on its father, but as she curled into Matthew, she knew that wasn’t going to be a problem. She wanted to know more about the little person in her body. She wanted to know more about the big person next to her and wonder how they would all be together. Why? Because Matthew had a way of acting like everything was alright, like no matter how sick she became just now wasn’t an issue. He made her feel like she was the most important woman in the world, even though she had just ruined their first real moment of intimacy together.

 

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

Matthew clutched Mary’s hand as they walked towards the entryway of the park in Paris, having only left the flat a few minutes prior. The night before hadn’t gone the way he thought it would and the same went for Mary. She had planned it to be a sexy night and he had thought he would come up, curl up in bed and maybe watch a movie with her, clutching her stomach protectively. Somehow, they had met in the middle.  Now, she was dressed in a black sweater dress, leggings and boots with a light unbuttoned jacket. It gave him the perfect glimpse of her stomach, which was definitely a bit bigger than it was a week ago. He couldn’t explain it. It suited her. He loved the way her body looked and he loved watching the way she cradled her expanding bump.  He didn’t know if she noticed, but the way she slept holding it, the way he caught glimpses of her looking down at it while she was getting ready or resting in her bed, he knew she was in love with her child. And he was too. He couldn’t stop thinking about things he wanted to do to get ready for a baby. He had his mother let painters into his home on the estate, to measure for painting. He knew Mary would want to live at the house with her family, but he debated keeping his small home as a place for them to escape or he could use it as his office. The painters had been asked to look at a small bedroom across the hall from his, a room that would be a nursery.  There were a million things that crossed his mind that they needed to think about, including Downton Abbey. He knew she was ready to get home soon. They were in a safe little bubble in Paris, but they were both starting to miss the people they loved most. She had been away from her family for so long, that she didn’t want to be away anymore. She didn’t want to be held back from them and he wasn’t going to keep her from them. He was close to her family, but it wasn’t about that. She was a woman who had choices and a life. A woman who had suffered at the hand of a man who worked so hard to keep her from her life.

Her life couldn’t let her life go back to the way it was and he wouldn’t put her in a position to let it either. The way they had found her in her home that day was an indicator that her life was in danger. Now, it wasn’t even just about her. It was about a child who they had to protect. He had thought about the moment he spoke to Carlisle in London and how he tried to blame Mary. He said she was a drunk and that she was crazy. It wasn’t fair. Carlisle was trying to manipulate him just as he had Mary. He wanted him to talk to Mary about going back to him and he wouldn’t do it. She was thriving and they were growing. Together. There was no room for Carlisle to come back and mess up her progress.

“Do you think when the baby is big enough, I could escape with her to Paris from time to time?” Mary asked, looking back at a woman with a classic pram strolling by. “The parks here are beautiful and there is something quite elegant about it.”

“Only if I can come.” Matthew teased, squeezing her hand lightly. “And what makes you so sure it’s a girl?”

“Well I’m not sure. I mean I think it’s a girl. At least today I do. Yesterday I wrote him in my text to Anna.” Mary giggled, squeezing his hand back. “And you can come. If you’d like. If you want to spend time with us.”

“As if I would want to be anywhere else.” He wrapped his arm around her as they walked. “So, I have been thinking.”

“Yes?”

“We should start thinking about going home. Once we know everything is final, we should start making plans.” Matthew explained, before pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Your family misses you and eventually we’ll need to start getting ready for that little one to come and I don’t want you stressing about it when you’re waddling around.”

“I won’t waddle.” Mary leaned up, kissing his chin. “If I do, be sure to correct me or lock me in the house.”

“I certainly will not.” Matthew teased. “If you think I am going to miss the opportunity to see you waddle about town, you have me sorely mistaken.”

“I won’t waddle.” She stopped, grabbing his face and kissing him again. He smiled against her lips, his hands moving to her expanded side. “Walk widely, possibly.”

“What is the difference between walking widely and waddling?” Matthew asked.

“There is a difference.” Mary rolled her eyes, looking down at her stomach. “It’s still ridiculously small, but eventually it might look like a real baby. It just looks like a lump or a sushi roll, but the app says she’s the size of a lime.”

“There you go, assuming it’s a girl.” Matthew chuckled as her phone rang. She pulled it out of her coat pocket, looking up at him. “Who is it?”

“It’s Papa.” Mary sighed, pressing to answer the phone. “Hello? Just walking in the park. Alright. Yeah, I have a moment.”

Matthew watched as Mary placed her hand up for a moment, before walking over to a bench. She didn’t sit, but paced around it.  He watched as she looked down at the ground, nervously speaking with her father. He wasn’t sure what they were discussing, but Mary was interested and then she looked up at him and smiled. That smile. He looked away, giving her the privacy, she deserved when she was having a conversation with someone else. He heard her end her call and he looked up as she walked quickly to him with a smile on her face. “You’re cheery.”

“He did it.” She breathed, her face unable to stop the smile.

“Who did what?”  Matthew caught her contagious smile.

“Carlisle signed the papers.” Mary said, shaking her head quickly with relief. “His lawyer dropped the paper’s off with Murray early this morning.”

“He did?” Matthew smiled softly, wrapping his arms around her, knowing it was more of a celebration of her being free. She looked like the weight of the world had just been lifted off of her shoulders. A weight that had been replaced by smiles and comfort. “He just dropped it off?”

“Apparently.” Mary bounced, clasping her hands together.  He watched as she was a bit breathless, clearly feeling a bit startled that a huge part of her life was over. “Now its about a month or two before its considered finalized, but he can’t change his mind now.”

“That’s great.” Matthew wanted to cheer, except Mary didn’t look ready to cheer. She looked happy and relieved, but she also looked a bit taken back by the realization that she was going to be divorced. He could tell she was happy.  She was definitely smiling, but there was something to understand about it. This was only a chapter in Mary’s story and it had been a long and exhausting one. “Then we can start talking about returning home.”

“We can.” Mary breathed, taking his hand as she urged him to begin walking again. “Although, I’ll admit that I will miss Paris. It’s been a lovely home away from home and the company has been great.”

“I’ll miss it too.” He lightly squeezed her hand, wondering if they should discuss the specifics and knowing that just because she was physically healed, there was more work to be done. “I say, lets wait to go back until you’ve been cleared.”

“For intimacy?” Mary rolled her eyes and squeezed his hand right back.

“Well not just that, just more activity.” Matthew replied, pulling her lightly to the side of the path. “Until you’re able to do more than just get out of the house for just a walk. I’d like to take you to a proper dinner. Before we leave.”

“A date?” Mary asked, running her hand along his arm.

“A date if you will.” Matthew reached for her face, tilting her lips up and giving her a light kiss. “And we need to arrange for therapy when you get back to Downton Abbey. We’ve put it off and it isn’t good for you.”

“Matthew, I’ve been fine.” Mary assured him and he knew she was feeling more confident about being better, but he knew they needed to take the right steps. “I think I have been fine.”

“You’ve been doing great, but therapy won’t hurt and you know the doctor insisted you do it.” Matthew reminded her and she rolled her eyes. He could tell she was confident that she was doing well and he was too, but he was worried that if they ignored it for too long, it would creep up on her. What it was, he had no idea. He wasn’t sure, but occasionally he saw glimpses of the Mary who was distant, timid and emotional. Pregnancy had probably increased her emotions, but there were moments where she took defeat really badly. Spilling a cup of water, running late or an accidentally bumping into him. In those moments she would apologize or call herself stupid and that wasn’t Mary. Mary didn’t care about things like that. She was usually pretty polite, but not overly apologetic. “I’m just trying to say that when we get back to Downton there are still things we need to consider.”

“Okay, fine. Let’s just walk.” Mary groaned, turning around and walking in the opposite direction.

“Mary…” Matthew jogged a few steps to catch up with her. When he caught up with her, he reached for her arm.

“Stop!” She shouted, pulling her arm away and suddenly she seemed angry. He looked at her for a moment, before she moved her hand to her chest and took a deep breath. She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. You startled me.”

“I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that.” Matthew realized that it was probably a sensitive thing to do, especially after so informally addressing the idea of therapy with her again. He felt bad, but it instantly reminded him of why she wasn’t done recovering. Carlisle had done so much damage and it seemed like they were forgetting that. It seemed like they forgot it until little moments happened and she would get upset. It just so happened to be that it happened this time while actually talking about the need for therapy. He hadn’t meant to grab her arm, he didn’t grab it too hard. It was just a sensitive subject and gesture. “Mary, I didn’t think about it. I just wanted you to hear my out.”

“Stop apologizing.” She said softly, covering her face into her hands as he wrapped his arms around her. People were walking by them, unsuspecting of their situation and with no idea of the trauma she had been through. “You should be able to grab me as gently as you did or bump into me without me going into a panic and yelling at you or saying I’m sorry a million times. I should be happy that we’re going back to Downton and not dreading it.”

“Why would you dread going back to Downton?” Matthew frowned, stroking her cheek with his thumb. He hadn’t expected her to say that, since she had expressed excitement about it. Since she had commented about the things she missed about the estate.

“When I go back, it’s a brand-new life. I mean it’s my old life, but so much has changed. I’ve changed.” Mary explained, tears coming to her eyes. “I’m changed. I’m not just Mary who lives at the Abbey, once mysterious and but now a bit notorious.”

“I didn’t think about those things, Mary.” His voice was oft and apologetic.

“Neither did I.” She breathed, dropping her shoulders and crying into his chest. He rubbed her back, looking out at a set of birds surrounding the bench where Mary had stood earlier. As he watched, he noticed one bird was smaller than the other, possibly the child of the bigger bird. He watched as the bigger bird searched around, probably for a worm or something else. Mary was doing the best she could, for her little one. Except she struggled at times and he would forget about that. It was important he didn’t, and that nobody around her forgot about that. Things were going well, but it was still important to help Mary with the care she needed. He loved her dearly and while they could enjoy being together, they had to look out for each other. He wanted them to be partners. She was thriving, he knew that. She was happy and free of Carlisle, but she was right. She was starting a new life in Downton. There was no way to go on as if her life with Carlisle never happened. So, they would start her new life and she would have the greatest team on her side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

Hey all! This chapter is for adults. Also sorry for the delay. I have a huge exam coming up! Yay law school.

 

When Mary had left Dr. Combe’s office, she had felt both relief and a fair bit of fear. Today she was told her baby was the size of a plumb and had all of his or her major organs. Her baby had a heart. It was still a strong and beautiful sound.  Probably the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. It wasn’t until the doctor poked her stomach with the doppler that she saw the one in her stomach move. That had been the first movement she had seen. It was so clear as she watched the tiny object on the screen move around. It was crazy. It was the moment Mary really had it hit her, that there was a tiny someone in there and while the growing bump had been her first major realization, the movement hit her in a different way. It showed that the baby she was growing was someone who one day she would feed, she would rock to sleep and comfort. One day her baby would have their heartbroken and might look to her to cry to.  She wasn’t motherly, or at least she didn’t think she was. Except she found herself lying in bed in the dark, comparing products and baby carriages. She found herself wondering what the first Christmas, day of school and loose tooth would be like. This baby made her soft. The past year and a half of her life had been hell and she had never been a weak person.  Yet somehow the hell, made her feel weak. Then she felt soft. Something about Matthew and the idea of having a tiny baby, had made her a bit softer. She wondered if it would all go away when they arrived back in Downton or if she’d be able to hold on to a bit of Paris. It was something she was going to have to find out. Originally Matthew had suggested they go out for an afternoon lunch, but she had felt a bit tired and nauseated. Matthew had the cab drop her off first and the first thing she did was fall asleep on the bed, still wearing the clothes she had worn to the doctors. Matthew was going to run a few errands and pick up some food, before returning to the flat. So now, Mary was going to get comfortable and wait for him.

Their days in Paris were winding down and she was torn. Paris was beautiful and she was going to miss the flat. Mary wasn’t sure when she would be back, but she hoped it wouldn’t be long.  Then there was home. She wanted to get back to Downton Abbey. She had briefly returned and putting Matthew aside, it had been nice to see the most important people from her past. It had been nice to walk the streets of the town and see the people she had come to know and love. It would be nice to be near Granny, her parents and Anna. She had missed Mr. Carson and each time she got to see a face she hadn’t seen in a while, she was reminded of how much she loved her home.  Then there was the idea that she would be returning with an extra someone, who maybe one day would realize how much of a home Downton Abbey was. If she had a chance at being a good mother, she had to make her child love Downton and appreciate it. She never wanted her child to look back one day and forget what home was. Mary ran her hand over her stomach, smiling at the little person inside of her. There were so many things she didn’t know. There were answers to questions she would consider later, but for now she was looking in the floor length mirror at the tiny wonder in her stomach. She turned to the side to see how much it had changed. It was a little bit bigger, a little bit rounder. She pushed the tights off of her legs, feeling a bit of relief as the air hit her legs. A baggy sweater would hide the bump she could see in the mirror, but the sweater dress she was wearing was form fitting and it no matter which way she moved, the bump was there and ready to be seen.

“I thought you were going to change.” Matthew’s voice accompanied a light knock on the open bedroom door.

“Hi.” Mary smiled, turning away from the mirror, moving her hands to try and unhook the necklace she was wearing. “I fell asleep the moment I sat on the bed. I’ve only just now started changing.”

“Let me help.” He offered, walking over to her. He moved his hand to her waist, turning her around before his hands moved to her neck to help with the necklace. “You’re the only woman I know who still gets dressed up to go even to the doctor.”

“But I wore jeans and riding boots to the carnival back home, so it balances out.” Mary sighed, as he handed her the necklace. “Thank you.”

“I like the way you dress. No matter what you wear.” Matthew smirked. “Or don’t wear.”

“You’re such a man, Matthew.” Mary rolled her eyes, moving to sit the necklace on dresser, before walking back in front of the mirror. “I’ll need to order or shop for a few things.”

“I imagine the baby will make some of your clothes a bit tight.” Matthew wrapped his arms around her, both of their hands moving over her stomach. “Although I like this on you.”

“The fabric is being pulled out a bit, I’m afraid it might not return to normal after I have the baby.” Mary sighed as Matthew placed a soft kiss on her neck. She felt a tingling in her spine, leaning back into him. “Everything is growing.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed.” Matthew chuckled, moving her hair out of the way. “Every little change.”

“I bet you have.” She giggled, his hands moving over her chest. “Those have definitely grown.”

“Oh yes they have…” Matthew pressed a soft kiss to the back of her neck, before breathing in her ear. “I like them both ways…”

“You’re flattering me.” She breathed, turning around and wrapping her arms around his neck. “I think you have a thing for pregnant women.”

“Just the one.” Matthew smiled, before pressing a kiss to her lips. “Hmm…I’ve loved you both ways.”

“And you’ll love me when I have a baby?” Mary asked, moving her hands to his chest. She looked away from his eyes, her fingers stroking his blue shirt collar. “Body changes and all?”

“Especially the body changes and all.” Matthew kissed her again, before pulling her closer and whispering in her ear. “And I will wait as long as I possibly can, before getting you in this situation...again.”

“I assumed at some point you would want one of your own.” She sighed.

“We don’t have to decide right now.” His voice soft, kissing her again. “But I wouldn’t mind baby number two.  Give someone for this little one to play with.”

“Baby number two?” Mary pressed her nose against his. “You mean one of your own.”

“No.”

“No?” Mary frowned, pulling her face away. Matthew had a coy smile on his face, looking at her lips while she was trying to understand what he meant. “I’m not quite sure what you mean.”

“Well, you said one of my own, but I intend to raise this child as my own.” Matthew explained, stroking her cheek. “I don’t want to ever say, one of my own. I want to add to the family you and I are making. Our family, our children.”

“And you’re not worried about us moving too fast, for me being pregnant?”

“Mary, the situation isn’t deal by any means and the time we spent apart was time when I should have had you. That time wouldn’t have been wasted and you wouldn’t have experienced the trauma if I hadn’t let you walk out of my office that day.” Matthew explained, shaking his head. “We didn’t move fast enough already and I don’t want us to waste time. If we look back to just a century ago, own grandparents would have gotten married in less time and together for decades until their death. I think we’re okay. So, I don’t think it’s too soon for any of this.  Give this baby a family who loves it and resume the life we should have started earlier.”

“Matthew.”  Mary’s eyes blinked quickly, before she slammed her lips into his and moved her hands to untuck his shirt. She had so many questions and so many uncertainties, but right now she was fumbling with his shirt. His hands moved to help her as she thought over in her mind, what it meant to want to give her child a family. Not just a mother and grandparents, but a father. She wanted to address her concerns about loving another man’s child, except they had been hungry for each other. His shirt was tossed on the chair as he inched up the knitted dress that had been hugging her body tight. She lifted her arms, before he tossed the dress on to the floor.

“We’re doing this.” Matthew groaned as she tilt her head up and nipped at her bottom lip with her teeth. He reached behind her, his fingers toying with her bra before snapping it off and she dropped it from her arms. “That went smoother than normal.”

“You’re a natural Matthew Crawley.” Mary giggled, before moving her hands to his belt, she undid the belt, before he pulled it out from the rings of his tan pants. Mary moved her hands to the merlot lace panties she was wearing, sliding them down her legs and kicking them to the side.  Her body was aching for him and had been for weeks. Probably longer. There were nights that she was in London, making love to her husband that her mind just went to Matthew. It was a disgusting thought and she didn’t want to think about it, except she didn’t have to imagine someone else. She had the man she wanted standing in front of her. After he pushed his own pants to the side, he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his fit waist. Her small heels dug into him and she kissed him passionately, her small abdomen lightly pressing against him. “Mmm…”

“Mary, I love you.” He moaned, dipping his tongue into her mouth as his erection pressed against her.

“I love you too…” She smiled against his lips, her moving through his golden blonde hair. Her body felt an aching. Her stomach was filled with butterflies as he moved his lips to her neck, nipping slightly at the skin. She felt a moisture between her legs as he moved her other to the bed, dropping her down on the white blankets. “Please….”

“Hmm?” His hand moved to her breasts, his fingers lightly grazing her pert nipple. He pulled his lips away, smiling as he made eye contact with her.

“Please.” She moaned, the feel of him against her driving her hips to raise against him.

“Taking my time…” He chuckled, lightly moving his tongue to the curve of her collar bone and she felt like in that moment she needed him. “Be patient…”

“I think. I think we’ve been very patient.” Mary whined, biting her lips together as his teeth teased her breast. She slid her hand down between them, feeling the searing need for him around her legs. As his manhood bulged between them, he pushed her hands away. “Matthew.”

“You’re ready, aren’t you?” He teased. Pressing soft kisses up her chest and back up to her lips, he was tampering with her sanity.

“Don’t be so cruel.” She begged.

“Never cruel.” He smiled, before kissing her again, this time letting her arms wrap around his neck. She arched against his body, her hips pressing her center against his manhood. That feeling must have caught his attention, because he groaned before his kisses became more intense. “I want you.”

“You have me Matthew.” She said, almost pleading with him to take her there and now.

“Mine.” He groaned, before pushing her legs, opened, his hands sliding between her legs. He pulled his hand back, before moving himself over her and sliding his length into her and sending shockwaves through her core. “Damn it.”

“Oh my god.” She gasped, his hand grabbing her arm and holding it back above her head as he pushed himself harder into her. His length filled her before she felt him rhythmically moving in and out of her. She hadn’t ever felt anything like this and she felt her body tighten around him causing him to growl in satisfaction. Her eyes closed as the heat radiated between their bodies and they quickly picked up their pace.

“Mary, you feel perfect.” He shared, filling her core with wicked delight. Moving to tease above her center with his finger each time he pushed into her core.

“You too…” She blinked, her eyes closing with satisfaction. This time, they wouldn’t be able to hold on too long. This wasn’t just weeks and months of buildup. It was years that they had craved each other’s bodies. Each time his throbbing length filled her, she moaned out in pleasure. Her body would tighten around him and her fingers would dig into his shoulders, most certainly leaving a mark. “Matthew…”

“Mary….I….” He pushed faster as her body grinded below him. He stayed arched enough to avoid pressing into her stomach, coming close many times to bumping into it, but protecting it as filled her with each push. He moaned against her lips as his breathing became heavy and ragged. His pace picked up into he couldn’t anymore, spilling into her. As he pushed through one more sliding thrust, they both let out satisfied screams before he groaned against her lips. “Oh Mary…”

“Matthew.” She cried, holding him inside of her for a moment as his breathing softened. He didn’t fall against her, just sliding out and resting to the side, his hands still moving along her side as he kissed her softly.

“Are you alright?” He asked, softly kissing against the redness on her chest. They both knew it had gone by a bit fast, but there had been so much build up and she wouldn’t change this for anything. “Baby, okay?”

“I’m fine.” She breathed, her entire body feeling warm as she was overcome with a sense of euphoria she had never felt before. Mary thought she had experienced good sex, but this was different. This felt right.  Her toes had never curled the way that they had just now and she was pretty sure she wanted to keep feeling him inside of her, as deep as he could go. She moved her hand to her belly, feeling the moisture coming from her skin.

“And the baby? The baby is alright?” Matthew asked, his hand moving over hers, his lips nipping at her ear.

“She’s fine…” Mary whispered, opening her eyes and smiling.

“Good.” Matthew nodded with relief, reaching for the blankets and sliding them over her waist.

“That was exciting.” She breathed, her hands moving to his face, pushing the lock from his face.  Her breath was still trying to regulate, her chest moving up and down.

“I’m quite eager to do that again.” He chuckled against her lips. She smiled as their eyes met, realizing she had never enjoyed a moment quite like that one. The feeling that shook through her body was one of pleasure and satisfaction that couldn’t be matched. She was sure that nobody had ever made her feel the way she was when she was with him. “I see a lot of that in our future.”

“Surely we won’t stop doing that now.” She giggled, before looking down at her stomach. “Although I think we’ll have to make adjustments soon.”

“Very soon.” He laughed, lowering his lips to kiss her stomach. “I was a bit worried I was going to bump into it.”

“I’m sure she’s quite grateful.” Mary laughed, turning on her side. She watched as he moved his hands along her abdomen, cupping the bump as he always did. “Matthew?”

“Yes?” He asked, moving her hair out of her face.

“I’ve never…. that was my first time feeling…like that.” Mary struggled to explain, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “What will happen when we leave Paris and aren’t together every day.”

“You could move in with me.” Matthew suggested, before moving his hands to her hair again. “I know it isn’t tradition in your family, but we’re two independent capable adults and it would be good to be settled.”

“Matthew, Downton is my home. Or will be my home again.” Mary replied, a frown moving over her face. “I mean your home is quite nice and big enough to live in, but I can’t imagine living anywhere else.”

“It would be just up the road.” Matthew explained as she tried to imagine even considering living away. “And you’ve lived away before.”

“I know and it was awful.”

“The situation and Richard Carlisle made it awful.” Matthew sighed.

“And can we really be as happy as we are in Paris?” Mary asked, pressing another kiss to his shoulder as she asked these questions in fear. “What if we return and we can’t agree on where to live or what our future holds. What if we get home and you realize the lack of interest in being with me and suddenly you wake up to find me boring.”

“I could never lack interest with you.” Matthew chuckled, kissing her softly to cease her worry and also likely trying to stop her from talking. “You’re certainly never boring. I’ll surely spend the rest of my life hoping to view you just like this and make you moan just as you did moments ago.”

“Wow.” Mary breathed, a bit of relief coming over her. “I guess with an argument like that we’ll have to work our something when we return home.”

“We certainly will.” Matthew laughed, rolling onto his back. “We’ll get therapy for your shoulder resumed, some other things sorted, but I promise you we will be doing this frequently. Maybe even again after you get some more rest.”

“Hmm…” She breathed, resting her head on his arm. She was tired, her eyes were heavy but the feeling of euphoria still filled her body. “I guess I probably should.”

“Definitely, build up your energy for more.” Matthew chuckled, kissing the top of her head.

“Yes. Lots to come.” She breathed, her hand moving over his stomach. She loved the way their naked bodies fit perfectly together when they had quickly made love and she wanted to continue to explore his body, but he was right. She still needed to rest. She was tired and while the physical activity was exhausting, so was her mind. She needed to stop thinking about the ways she didn’t deserve him or the ways he might change his mind. She hated being like that. Mary was slowly finding her way to being Mary, but it couldn’t come fast enough. She had so much on her mind and she wished for once she would stop doubting. Carlisle had been out of their lives since the day he attacked her and landed her in the hospital. She had no reason to let the thoughts about the way Matthew felt linger, they were trying to start a new life.  There was no way for her questions could be answered about the way Matthew would love her child right now, but her brain still circled back to it. Maybe it was a coping mechanism, maybe it was setting herself up to avoid getting hurt, but she wanted to be present. She wanted to enjoy Matthew. She was enjoying Matthew, but she didn’t want to be the person who tried to fall asleep worrying how things would go down the road. She was in heaven right now. She was in love and just now one of her biggest dreams had come true. She just wanted stay in this moment, loving him forever.

 

 

 

  


 

 

 


	29. Chapter 29

When Mary had come to Paris, everything in her life was a mess. Physically she felt damaged beyond repair and mentally, she felt like she was drowning. Her life in London had been a personal Hell and then one day that Hell had imploded. She barely remembered the moment her loved ones had found her in the shower, covered in blood. It had all happened in bits and pieces of memories. Between consciousness and being blacked out, Mary hated the moments she could remember. She remembered her mother pleading with her to stay with her, she remembered Tom lifting her upright and Anna trying to clean the blood.  Then Matthew had been there. She only remembered seeing him for a moment before everything went black and she woke up in the hospital. Her life was changed and she couldn’t go back. She didn’t want to go back to Carlisle or her old life, but a part of her missed the stability of it. While she had been miserable, there was still a life and security. There was an independence she had come to appreciate.  She wasn’t going to lose her independence at Downton Abbey and she would be happy to be back, but she was nervous. It wasn’t just a visit. It was a new life. At least it felt that way. When he had left Downton, she was leaving one person. Matthew. She had told him if she walked out, she wouldn’t be coming back. Now she was. To be with him. To be with her family. To raise her baby. It was going to be familiar and totally unfamiliar at the same time.

Today, her mother and Tom were coming along to help get things packed up to ship to Downton. Matthew was adamant that she still not lift too much and somehow, they had managed to acquire several new things while there. So right now, she was sitting on the bed and folding some of her pajama clothes that she wouldn’t need for the next few days. They would head back to Downton on Saturday and Matthew wanted to ship everything back beforehand. His only request was that she leave something dressy in her remaining luggage. Thankfully Anna had originally packed a couple nice pieces, having known her quite well so that if anything came up, Mary would be ready. Now she had one dress that would sort of fit over the growing baby and it would have to do.

“Cora and Tom will be here in twenty minutes.” Matthew popped his head in, wearing a simple gray t-shirt and jeans. Mary wasn’t sure what it was, but when he wore his jeans and a t-shirt, she found her cheeks would get hot. Maybe it was the hint of his biceps or the pregnancy hormones, but she loved it. He walked into the room, reaching for one of her suitcases and sitting it on the bed. “I’ll go ahead and fill this one.”

“I can fill it.” She laughed as he leaned over, pressing a soft kiss against her lips. “Hmm…what are you tending to now?”

“You, hopefully.” He smirked, climbing onto the bed. He moved his hands to her hair, kissing her firmly. “Quickly.”

“Matthew…” She giggled, falling back against the pillows. Since the night they first made love, they had been insatiable, spending most of their time naked. “We just got our clothes back on.”

“We put them on too soon.” Matthew whispered, his lips moving to her neck.

“Matthew, the clothes.”

“I can take them off quickly.” He slid his hand down the front of her pants.

“I mean the clean ones.” She slapped his hand away and giggling. “Matthew, I’m serious.”

“I am too. Very serious about you.” Matthew teased, his hand moving to the front of her pants again, his lips moving to hers.

“Mmm…you’re very convincing.” She breathed, moving her hands to his face. She ran her thing fingers through his hair, breaking their kiss to look at him. “Very good at selling me on you…”

“I would have been great at sales.” He said, his fingers sliding between her folds, teasing her center. She felt the way he hardened against her, a light giggling moan escaping her lips. “You feel so good.”

“I love when you touch me…” She whispered in his ear, her fingers moving to the hem of his shirt. “Naked against me…”

“Yeah?” He whispered, placing a lingering kiss on her neck. Just as he moved his finger inside of her, the doorbell rang. “Damn. Damn. Damn.”

“Damn is right.” She groaned, her head falling back and she pushed his hand away and her hands moved over her face.

“They can wait.” He chuckled, tossing his shirt off and moving over her.

“Matthew.” She hit his arm lightly, pushing her hair back. She grabbed his face, kissing him softly. She wanted him, but she knew it couldn’t be right now. “Later.”

“I don’t want to wait.” He pouted, sitting back on his knees and pulling her up with her hand.

“I promise to make it worth your while.” She teased, kissing him again. She stood up from the bed, fixing her pants and shirt. His erection was pushing his jeans and he was clearly uncomfortable from stopping. “They’re here.”

“Can you let them in?” Matthew asked, looking down between his legs and she gasped and looked away. “Why are you shocked? You do this to me. Dirty girl.”

“I’m looking away to not make it worse! And don’t call me dirty, you’re dirty!” Mary replied, as the door rang again. She looked out of the bedroom door before pointing across the room. “Go in the bathroom and get rid of that! Fix it. Now!”

“Going. Mary Bossy Pants.” Matthew jumped up, kissing her cheek before limping into the bathroom and Mary walked down the long hallway. She was excited to see her mother and Tom, but she stopped for a moment in front of the mirror to check her hair and make sure she didn’t look too disheveled. Her mother had no idea that something was going on between Matthew and her and she wasn’t going to have the conversation brought up now. Mary confirmed she looked composed, before turning down the other hallway towards the front door. She turned the door and opened it to See Tom and her mother staring there with big smiles.

“Mary, darling.” Cora Crawley rushed forward, wrapping her arms around her daughter. Mary felt her clutch her shoulders as Cora pulled back, examining her daughter. Cora’s hands moved to Mary’s slightly rounded abdomen. “Oh goodness! That’s my grandchild in there!”

“It is.” Mary smiled, before pulling away to greet Tom.  She loved how excited her mother was, but she missed one of her best friends. “Tom! Thank you for coming to help Matthew.  He refuses to let me help pack up the boxes of things that Edith brought in originally and the things we’ve acquired.”

“You look great Mary.” Tom Branson chuckled, leading Cora inside. “You healed nicely.”

“Thanks.” Mary nodded before giving Tom a hug. “I’m so glad to see you.”

“We’re excited to have you back home.” Tom replied, before placing his hands in his pockets. “Your Granny and everyone are so thrilled to have you return.”

“Even if I will be divorced?” Mary asked, holding up her empty ring hand before rubbing her stomach. “And pregnant. And quite fat.”

“Even if.” Cora teased, closing the front door behind her and holding up two shopping bags. “I brought you clothes.  I can take them back to Downton if they’re too big currently, but they are for Where is Matthew?”

“Oh he’s…” Mary started, but then the bedroom door closed and Matthew rounded the corner, his hair obviously wet. “He was just showering, but here he is. Out of the shower.”

“Hello Cora.” Matthew walked down the hallway, greeting Cora with a light kiss on her cheek before taking Tom’s hand and shaking it. “Good to see you Tom. I hope you don’t mind packing things up.”

“I don’t. Good to see you too.” Tom grinned, as Cora looked between Mary and Matthew. Matthew slid his hand to Mary’s lower back and Mary stepped forward quickly.  

“So, mother. Would you like some tea while Tom and Matthew get started on some packing?” Mary asked, turning to smile at Cora.

“Sure, but I will make it and you sit.” Cora replied, stepping towards the kitchen. She sat the shopping bag down against the wall and turned towards her daughter. “Besides it will give you a chance for us to catch up before I help.”

“Perfect…catching up.” Mary breathed, looking at Matthew nervously as Tom walked towards the living room.

“Should we start in here since there isn’t a lot of stuff?” Tom asked, pointing in the doorway.

“Sure. I’ll be right there.” Matthew nodded, watching Cora turn out of the hallway. Tom nodded, before stepping into the other room, leaving Matthew and Mary alone under the chandelier of the hallway.

Mary looked around, making sure the coast was clear. “Your hair is wet.”

“Yeah.” Matthew ran his hand through his hair, his own eyes scanning the hallway. “Well cold water helps with…”

“You didn’t shower that fast.” Mary argued, looking down the hall, before slapping his arm. “There is no way you showered that fast.”

“I ran my head under the cold-water faucet.” Matthew responded, pushing her hair back. “It was the only way I could think of fixing the problem…. you caused.  I had to splash cold water on….and think of my mother.”

“I caused it? Your mother?” Mary gasped, her jaw dropping as he moved his hands to her shoulders. “You started…all of this.”

“I’m kidding, but you did cause it.” Matthew smirked, kissing her cheek, but still guarding to make sure that nobody was looking. “Go make tea with your mom and I’ll pack up some of the stuff Edit moved in here that we haven’t touched.”

“Fine.” She pulled away, swatting his hand away from her hip. She stepped back trying not to laugh. “Go help Tom.”

“Yes, My Lady.” Matthew joked, exiting the hallway and moving on to helping Tom, leaving Mary just a bit sad that he didn’t give her another kiss. She stood there a lone for a moment, trying to rid herself of the smile on her face.

Mary made her way to the kitchen, her mother standing over the stove and messing with one of the burners. It wasn’t a sight she was used to. Sometimes her mother would go downstairs to the kitchen to see Miss. Patmore or Mrs. Hughes and sometimes she would have fun socializing a bit in the kitchen, but Mary was sure she had never seen her use a stove. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

“Yes, I have made tea before.” Cora rolled her eyes, finally getting the burner with the kettle on. She nodded at the stove, almost thanking It for cooperating with her, before she turned around. “You head looks really good. Even better than when I saw it a few weeks ago.  I was worried about the scar.”

“It has healed nicely and any scar I have remaining is under my hair.” Mary replied, going to the cabinets to grab two tea mugs. “The doctor said my wounds have healed nicely.”

“I can get those.” Mary offered, walking around the counter top.

“No, you will sit down.” Cora instructed, pointing to the barstools. “Mary, you need to be resting. I won’t have you pushing yourself.”

“My restrictions were lifted. Dr. Combe says the baby is doing quite well, growing as expected.” Mary rolled her eyes, moving to sit down. “I can do things.”

“And I am your mother.” Cora argued, nodding confidently. “I won’t sit by and let you do the things we are all capable of doing for you. Let us take care of you for once.  You always have to act like stone.”

“Of course.” Mary sighed, knowing it was about far more than making tea. Her mother was worried, because she must have given them quite a fright. It wasn’t the tea that she wanted to do, it was the mothering. She wanted to feel like she had the role of mother back in her life. When Mary left with Carlisle, she left so much more than Matthew. While she stayed close with her family, there had still been a distance. “Mother…”

“Mary, I am making the tea.” Cora groaned.

“No…Mum…” Mary shifted in her seat, clasping her hands together. “I just wanted to thank you and Papa…and Edith. For everything. I know I gave you quite a fright.”

“You did.” Cora looked over at her, before shaking her head and looking back at the kettle. “Still. I am your mother and its our job to come through for you when you need us. No need to thank us. It is what family is for.”

“Still.” Mary replied, as Cora found two saucers. “I don’t know what it was like for you while I was gone or when you walked in to find me the way that you did. It must have been awful.”

“Mary, I’ve lost a child before and I was certain I was about to lose another.” Cora turned to face her daughter from the other side of the corner. “I won’t pretend that I haven’t stayed up some nights wondering what I would have done if we had found you too late. If he had more time to finish you off in a fit of rage. I’ve been up several nights trying to erase the image of you lying in your own blood in the shower.”

“I’m sorry.” Mary looked down, feeling shame. “I never should have…”

“Stop.” Cora demanded, leaning forward and placing her hand over her daughter’s.” This was never about it being your fault. It never was your fault and I will never once blame you for what happened. Do I wish you would have never married him? No.”

“No?” Mary looked up, a frown coming across her face. She looked at her mother, who was ready and willing to explain.

“You are being tested. This is a test and you will come out stronger and better, because of it.” Cora added. “I wish you had been with Matthew all this time and had given yourself a true shot at happiness earlier on, but then we wouldn’t have a little one joining our family. I wouldn’t trade that baby.”

“Goodness.” Mary breathed. “Between Matthew and you, I’m certain this baby will be quite spoiled.”

“Incredibly spoiled and when we get you home and settled, I do hope you and Matthew will talk further about the road you two want to be on. I think he truly loves you Mary.” Cora sighed, turning back to the stove to turn the burner off and reach for the kettle. “I think this is your second chance, before he moves on and before you meet someone else to deter you.”

“And what happens when the baby is born? He might want another life.”

“He doesn’t want another life.” Cora laughed, pouring the hot water into the cup, the liquid turning golden brown. “He wouldn’t be working from Paris, constantly obsessing over you and your child’s care.”

“He might.” Mary sighed, as Cora slid the cup across the counter. “We love each other, but is love enough?”

“Sometimes you have to let love be enough.” Cora shrugged. “It wasn’t always smooth roads for your father and I. It wasn’t always uncomplicated.”

“I know.” Mary sighed, sipping at her tea. “But you didn’t have a divorce and an extra child to worry about.”

“Very true.” Cora rolled her eyes, pouring her own tea. “And its not an extra child. It’s one child who had a very rough start at existing, but is surrounded by the love of family and a man who could have easily pushed someone else to come to Paris with you. Darling, Matthew didn’t have to come here, he wanted to. He wanted to be here. He missed you when you were gone and the moment things fell apart, he was right there with the rest of us, always by your side.”

“I know.  I can’t ever thank him enough for that.” Mary breathed, reaching for the spoon to stir in her tea. She took a deep breath before looking up at her mother. “It would be impossible.”

“Not impossible if you love him.” Cora suggested. “I know it isn’t what you’re used to, but love isn’t always about being in debt to each other.”

“That’s refreshing.” Mary spoke, leaning back in her chair as her mother sat across from her.

“So, are you ready to return home?” Cora inquired.

“I am.  It’s a big move.” Mary trailed off, before running her finger along the rim of the mug. “I’m thrilled. Except…”

“Except?” Cora queried.

“I’m thrilled to return to Downton Abbey, but I’m fooling myself if I believe things will be the same.”  Mary retorted, shaking her head and leaning forward. “I’ll never be just Mary again. I’ll be divorced with a baby. I’ll have another life to consider.”

“You will.” Cora agreed. “But Mary, it’s going to be the biggest adventure. Being a mother is terrible and amazing all at the same time and the support system you have…you aren’t alone.”

“That is what Matthew says.” Mary played with the paper on her tea bag. “He thinks I should move into his home.”

“That’s a big step.” Cora’s eyes widened. “So, you guys have spoken about your relationship.”

“I know, it’s insane.” Mary took a breath of relief, finally saying these words to someone and her mother was quite insightful. “It’s beyond insane.  He thinks we shouldn’t waste another moment and that the baby deserves a family. I think it’s a recipe for disaster.”

“But just a moment ago you said that you love each other.” Cora rationalized, her eyes softening. “If love is enough and I think it is, maybe working through things while living together is the best way to make it work.  This isn’t the day of coming out parties and riding horseback.  Maybe its time that you stop worrying about what your Granny or father will think and move on with your life.  And Matthew is right.  This baby deserves two parents who love them very much.”

“And what if it doesn’t work out?” Mary had wondered if her mother and Matthew had planned this. If she hadn’t been with Matthew most of the time, she might have had her doubts.

“Then you have a room at home with us.” Cora said, without the slightest concern in her voice. “But don’t say no to the idea just because it might go wrong. Carlisle was supposed to be a safe choice for you and you almost died.”

“And if it doesn’t work out?”

“If it doesn’t and you part ways, Matthew will still care for you and your child for the rest of his time.” Cora’s voice was hopeful, reaching for her daughter’s hand again. “Mary, I don’t think Matthew is going anywhere.  If he was, he wouldn’t uproot his whole life and work remotely from Paris from you. He wouldn’t have painters and carpenters at his home, trying to prepare a nursery.”

“He what?” Mary looked up. Matthew hadn’t said anything about trying to build a nursery, just that he was hopeful she would move in with him.

“Isobel has been up at the house almost every day, letting people in and overseeing the project.  Apparently, the bookshelves built in the nursery are beautiful.  He said he wants a place for you guys to read to the baby every night.” Cora breathed, making Mary think even she was a little stunned. “I wasn’t going to tell you and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it, but now that I know he’s asked you to move in…. I think he wants to give you a dream life. I was trying to keep the secret, but I think you’re so scared.”

“I’m not scared.” Mary shook her head. “Matthew, really is building a nursery?”

“Isobel said he’s even made some changes in the house to make it easier for when little ones are running around, but also updated the paint in several rooms.” Cora laughed weakly. “He’s wanted to make the home appealing to you.”

“And your thoughts?” Mary couldn’t believe this. Matthew was planning their life and never told her that he was trying to make a nursery.  A place to read books to her baby every night. He had just asked for her to move in and she had planned on refusing, but the effort spoke. She wouldn’t know if Matthew truly loved her child, but he cared enough to try and make a home. “So, I should just say, ‘to hell with tradition, and move in with Matthew?”

“Yes.” Cora replied simply, Mary’s eyes widening. “Talk to Matthew, ask him to have a serious conversation about what he thinks life is going to be and how you guys want to make it work. If you don’t, tell him. If you don’t want to be with Matthew, then you have to break his heart now. You can’t let him spend anymore time trying to play the role of father and partner.”

“But you think I should take him?”

“I think you should stop lying to yourself.” Cora’s eyes reminded Mary of growing up when Cora knew she had instigated arguments with her sister. It was a look of calling Mary out on guilt. Mary sat there across from her mother, eliciting small responses as her mother told her more about what was going on back home and how Anna was counting down the days until she got home and how Mr. Carson was so obviously cheerful at the thought. Except Mary was stunned, not knowing that Matthew was changing his home for her and her child. On the day of the carnival, she had said the home needed a woman’s touch so now he had his mother, trying to make the home more appealing to her and a place where her child could live. In her heart, she wanted Matthew. She wanted him right there with her and her child. Deep down she wanted a family and she wanted Matthew to be the one who helped her make decisions. She wasn’t sure that her mind was fully at ease about the relationship that Matthew would have with her child. She wasn’t fully sure that Matthew could just develop love and feel a connection. That was her fear, but her mother had said something about taking a leap. Matthew was trying to change his life to make her want to join it and she was thinking for a moment, she needed to move in with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

Matthew Crawley considered himself to be a patient man. After all, he’d waited so long to have Mary to himself. He was aware of every mistake he had made in delaying his chance to be with her and swore he would spend the rest of his life letting her know how much he loved her. He also wanted to live honestly, but there were things lingering. She deserved to know he was planning a space for them back home.  Then there was the meeting with Carlisle. It wasn’t a meeting so much as a moment he had imposed himself on a situation, but that was one of the moments he needed to protect her from. Carlisle brought too much added stress to her life.  He had weighed the pro’s and cons of telling her and it didn’t seem like a necessary discovery.  There was nothing to be gained or lost.  However, it was time she knew about the changes to the house.  It was time she took that leap of faith. That seemed like an easy thing to do and a worthy price to pay. Except as they finished dinner in a small Paris restaurant on their last night in the City of Love, he found himself losing patience. When he had told her, they were going to dinner and to go get dressed up, she had been worried about how many options she had to choose from. She had said Anna had sent her a few extra things, but that she was rather limited on her selection. Somehow, she had picked the perfect dress, which no led to him frequently shifting in his seat. Mary was wearing a very tight long-sleeved green dress with a neckline that teased exposure to her growing breasts. The fabric pulled tightly over her stomach and her legs went on for days.  When he was with her, it was so easy to ignore the other patrons in the restaurant. The last time he had been in such a busy restaurant, he had been in London and Richard Carlisle had stopped by his table without invitation.  Now, he was sitting across from Mary who could no longer hide her pregnant stomach. Maybe someone who didn’t know her may see her in an oversized poncho and have no idea. It was possible, but Matthew thought it was a stretch. Her stomach wasn’t big at all, but it was round and was starting to stick out a bit. Every part of her was growing and as she wore the emerald green dress, he couldn’t stop smiling. The waitress brought the bill over, and Matthew reviewed it before sliding his card into the fold. “I’m glad you liked your chicken.”

“I think its been quite some time since I finished a whole plate of food. Except that pasta you made when we first arrived in Paris.” Mary smiled, taking the cloth napkin to dab the corners of her lips.

“Need I remind you, that you still finish the pasta each time I make it?” Matthew laughed, holding up the bill for the waitress to take. “That you actually begged me to make it the other night.”

“Well I had to have dinner.  And to be clear Lady Mary does not beg.” Mary giggled, shaking her head, pushing a strand of hair behind her hears. He loved her hair, they way it was back in a bun, but stands were falling out of it.

“You don’t beg?” He smirked, immediately thinking to the previous night. She had fallen asleep on the couch in the office, and he woke her up placing soft kisses along her chin, then after a very short amount of time she was naked against the desk, begging for him.

“Matthew…” She kicked him under the table, shaking her head.

“Oh, I’ll save my vulgar comments.” He chuckled, taking a sip of wine. He nodded at the waitress who brought back the fold with his card in it. He slid his card back into his wallet.  Originally Mary had wanted to get dessert, but Matthew had set up a bit of a surprise dessert back home. It wasn’t anything over the top, but it was a slight gesture and a way to get home earlier. He stood, walking around to her side of the table. “You all set?”

“I am.” She stood, as he pulled her seat back. Matthew reached for her coat, helping her put it on. “I can’t believe we’re about to leave here.”

“I know.” Matthew sighed, as she turned around and he fixed the collar of her coat, before extending his arm for her to loop her arm into it. “We don’t have a far walk, we can get a cab if you would like.”

“Walking is fine.” Mary rubbed her hand along the sleeve of his coat as they walked towards the door. “The weather is quite nice tonight and I’ll miss the city. Won’t you?”

“I will. Although I will admit that I will be happy to be able to get into the office.” Mathew divulged, holding the door open for an older couple. As the door shut, Matthew walked onto the side walk, holding Mary’s arm in his. “Don’t get me wrong. I am sure I will find excuses to work from home some days, especially if you are living with me.”

“So, you still want me to move in with you?” Mary breathed and he knew it wasn’t a sigh of relief coming from her. She was still Mary and she still didn’t like to be bothered unnecessarily and she didn’t like to be put into a position.

“I would like you too, but that isn’t news to you.” Matthew said as they began to walk slowly. “I want my house to be our house and our life to be ours. Besides within the next couple of months your life needs to settled.  We don’t have much time to make these decisions.”

“I don’t like to feel rushed, Matthew.” Mary sighed, still clutching his arm. “It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Mary.” Matthew stopped, turning to face her. “I think I should tell you something. Something that will help or damage your decision to move in with me.  I know it’s a bit forward and I should have spoken to you first…”

“I know about the nursery.” Mary said quickly, moving her hand up to wave him to stop. He felt a lump develop quickly in his throat, wondering first who told her and two if he had gone too far.

“Mary…” He said, his voice quiet.

“Matthew, I’m not angry.  At one point I might have been, but I’m not.  It’s kind and after everything you’ve sacrificed for me, I’m so grateful. My mother told me about all of it, because she was worried, I would say no out of fear of change or something. Isobel showed her everything and I’m not angry.  Not in the least.” Mary replied, shaking her head in a way that Matthew was familiar with. It was when she was conflicted, thinking everything through. “It’s all quite honorable.”

“Honorable?” Matthew frowned, unsure of what she was trying to say.

“Matthew, I don’t mean it in a bad way.” Mary breathed, looping her arm in his again and he felt that she was urging them to walk again. “She thinks I should move in with you and start a life outside of the family home.”

“I was a bit nervous of what Cora and your father would think.” Matthew admitted.

“It isn’t what they would have preferred, but apparently through some understanding that I don’t quite get, they’re supportive of this idea.” Mary sighed, stroking his arm. “Mother is set on us moving forward with a life together and giving both us and the baby a fair shot at a healthy and happy family.”

“I’ve made my intentions clear about it.” Matthew whispered, pressing a kiss against her head. “I want to be a father to this baby, your partner in crime if you will.”

“I know.” She sighed, looking at the window display of the store they walked past. They walked quietly for a few minutes, Matthew felt unsure of what to say next. “And I’m worried if things go wrong, we’ll end up the same way we did in your office that day. Not speaking, avoiding each other and wasting more time.”

“I could never be that stupid again.” Matthew didn’t want to ever lose her again and she knew that. He knew she did, but Mary was a traditional woman and Downton Abbey was her home. “And I know this isn’t tradition, but neither one of us is held to tradition.  We can still take part in traditions and shake things up a bit.”

“My goodness, you must take me for a rebel.” Mary smirked, squeezing his arm. “So, this nursery you’ve started without my permission, what is it like?”

“Without your permission.” He confirmed nervously, kissing the side of her head one more time before taking a deep breath. “Well my mother helped oversee the design of custom bookshelves, they’ve been painted an antique white. I was going to have the room painted a gray or a pale green, but mother convinced me to change it last minute to a pale blue.”

“Blue?” Mary frowned.

 “Mother says blue can be good for a girl or a boy, because if it’s a girl and its blue its very easy to add florals.” Matthew shrugged, kissing her hand. “I assume you know more about that than me.  The shade is called Tear Drop.”

“Well, I hadn’t thought about blue. However now that I picture it, she’s right.” Mary said, her eyes serious but thoughtful. “It’s no secret that I imagine a girl to have things quite feminine, but florals may look good against the blue and I trust your mother with this sort of thing.”

“More than me?” Matthew chuckled.

“Certainly, more than you.” Mary looked up at him. “So, your mother picked out the paint?”

“Oh, she picked out all of the color’s and the rest of the house changes.” Matthew explained, nodding at a passerby. “I kind of told her the things we needed changed and she worked with the contractors to oversee it while I was here. I had been planning the work for ages, but never really saw a need to move forward, but now that I’ll have a family, I didn’t want to wait. Mother may kiss you with joy for being the reason I have finally done some remodeling.”

“Isobel is a bit of the modern woman.” Mary giggled, before clearing her throat. “And her thoughts about…. the baby?”

“She was concerned at first. Worried about you and what you had been through. Worried about me, because I’m her son. She made it clear she was concerned that we wouldn’t recognize what we have and play games again, with a child involved. Mostly, she seemed protective of the baby. She just wants the baby to be okay and for us to be happy.” Matthew had spent time on the phone while Mary slept, especially at the start of their time in Paris.  Between working and watching after Mary, she had offered him far more guidance than he could have ever expected. She had told him the importance of being there a hundred percent, never halfway. He knew he had to be all in and he was, but his mother had given him so much perspective.  “It sounds as if our families are at least supportive of the idea.”

“Much to my surprise.” Mary sounded filled with relief, but she still hadn’t given him an answer. “Matthew…”

“Yes?” Matthew questioned as Mary took his hand, pulling him off to the side to let others on the street walk by. They were almost back to the flat, but she had stopped him and her eyes were nervous. There were a few stray sprinkles of rain, but not enough to warrant hailing a cab or stopping their conversation. “What’s wrong?”

“We’ve led each other on so many times in the past and I know that’s the past. I know we want to move past this, but I can’t help but be nervous. I want this so badly to work.” Mary admitted, looking down at her feet. “I want us to be honest. I’m honestly afraid that there is no way to ensure that you will love this baby the same as another baby later on or if this is even the right choice. What if we can’t have our own baby, because I have too much doubt about it and you come to resent me.  I can’t be sure that you won’t wake up one day in the coming months and feel the same way Richard did when he woke up one morning. I know it’s me. I know the problem with doubt is all me, but I can’t help it.”

  “Mary.” Matthew smiled softly, shifting on his feet. He knew they needed to get her into therapy, not just physical for her shoulder but also for her mental health. She was okay. She was all there, but there was so much damage that had been done and as she expressed those concerns, he was reminded how she needed to feel better. She needed to hear the truth from him and she needed to feel confident before saying yes to living together. Before leaving Paris and officially moving on with their life together. “I think I know what you need to hear and I know what I want to say. I want you to listen to me and listen to be with an open mind.”

“Oh my.” Mary moved on her feet nervously as the sprinkles returned from the sky and she looked up. “Should we at least keep walking?”

“Probably a good idea.” He said, pressing a kiss against her forehead and taking her hand. “I know your concerns about the baby and how I will feel about the baby are weighing you down. I don’t quite know how else to tell you. I think its something you’ll see and feel when the little one gets here.”

“Matthew…”

“And before you try to remind me that this baby was genetically fathered by someone else, it doesn’t matter to me.” Matthew almost chuckled, their paces becoming quicker as the drizzle of rain become a little more consistent. “It only matters to you, but it isn’t easy for me when you constantly bring it up. It hits at my soul, because you and this baby consume me. I know I’ll love this baby the same and its not just because of how much I love you. It’s because in addition to loving you, I have come to memorize every change in you that this baby has done and I find the moments where I can sit there in the morning before you wake up, I get to just lay there with my hand on your stomach and talk to whoever is in there. It has happened since the hospital. It might be odd to you, but I can’t help it. It’s this other person, this other being that I can’t ignore is there. When you eat something sweet or I kiss you and then you giggle and grab your stomach. I find myself longing for the moment when the three of us can lay on a couch and fall asleep or go on walks. I can’t promise that I can make you believe me now Mary, but when this is all over and there is a baby, the three of us will be the happiest people on the planet.”

“You always have much more confidence in me than I deserve.”

“And that’s another thing Mary, you won’t ever feel the way Ri…that man made you feel.” Matthew said, his tone changing to disgust as they came to the front of the flat, the rain falling harder now. “You will never experience that again. What that was…that wasn’t love. That was the very opposite. That life is over for you and if I ever treat you any less than you deserve, well you send Isobel Crawley after me.”

“Well, hopefully I don’t need her to come after you.” She breathed, her hand moving over her abdomen as she moved to stand in front of him. Her hair was sticking to her face, their bodies covered in rain. “Matthew, I know you’re right. Deep down I know when the baby is here everything will probably fall into place. Life isn’t perfect, but the things I am worried about in terms of the baby…I like to think my doubts will go away. I know when my mother said she wouldn’t trade what happened, because of the baby, she didn’t mean she wanted me to experience everything I did. I know what people mean when they tell me it will be fine.  I just don’t often believe myself. Or in myself.  I don’t often believe I am capable of doing this alone, but I also don’t know if I am capable of doing it well with anyone either.”

“You don’t always have to, because I believe in you Mary.  I believe in the two of us.” Matthew said, moving his hands to her waist, their lips touching under the falling rain. He pulled away, as she took his hand and took the first step up to the entry of the flat. “And only leap if you think you might be capable of letting me help you land on your feet.”

“You’re quite the romantic.” Mary breathed, before leading him up the steps. Matthew followed as she stopped outside of the front door.

“So are you.” Matthew chuckled, kissing her again, this time their kiss deepening. “Mary?”

“Yes?” She whispered.

“You want this. I want this. Start life with me. Let’s be a family.” He said softly, pressing her into the railing of the front porch. It was their time. She had concerns and he understood that. It would take a long time for Mary to be her confident self again and the baby would likely be here before she was truly herself again. It was time to make decisions, but he also knew it was important for her to know he was going to be by her side through everything. “Let’s make a home together.”

“Matthew…” She said quietly, a smile teasing at her lips. He moved his hand to the door knob as she moved her own hands to his waist. “Alright.”

“Alright?” He questioned, pushing the door open.

“I…I’ll move in with you.” She said, her voice shaking with nerves a bit. Matthew couldn’t help but let out a large grin, wrapping his arms around her. “Just…please don’t change your mind.”

“Never.” He shook his head, leading her inside. Matthew Crawley had not expected her to give in after a whole conversation of doubt about it, but he knew she wanted her child to have a family and he knew that Mary loved him.  She had been through so much and was an extremely stubborn woman by nature.  All he knew was that when they returned home to Downton Abbey, she was going to live in his home. Sure, they would likely have nights where she convinced him to go to the house she knew, but their home was going to be the house that he was currently transforming into a family friendly house. There was a time where Mary would have likely turned her nose up to it, but she had been through enough to appreciate the idea of something knew. Or at least he was sure could. Tonight, he was going to make love to her. Just as he had been doing in some way or another for the last several weeks. He couldn’t wait to get back and start a life with Mary and their baby.  


	31. Chapter 31

Guys!!! I am so sorry for the delay. School is kicking my behind, but I have been wanting to get this update loaded for you guys! Love you and thanks for all the comments! They truly motivate me!  
DADADADADADADADADADADADA

 

As the car approached Crawley house, Mary kept her eyes closed. Not because she didn’t want to see the house or the familiar sites, but because she hadn’t felt well. From the moment her eyes opened in the Paris bedroom, her foundation seemed a bit rocky. They had debated delaying their return for another day since the lease on the apartment wasn’t up, but Mary had insisted to Matthew that she would be alright. She had slept most of the train ride, with Matthew stroking her back and only awoke as the train pulled into the station. However, the drive from the train station to Crawley house felt as if it had gone on forever and Mary was certain that she needed fresh air. Tom was in town for a meeting, but would be back around the time they made their way to Crawley House so someone else from the house that she wasn’t familiar with picked them up, stating her father and mother were going to be returning this afternoon from an overnight at a charity auction. Thankfully, that meant she had plenty of time to rest and sleep before she needed to get cleaned up and dressed for a formal dinner.   
“Tom asked if I wanted to meet him for a drink this afternoon now that I am back, but I think I better stay with you.” Matthew whispered, kissing the side of her head.   
“Why?” Mary frowned, sitting up straight in the car, closing her eyes as a bit of nausea began to arise. “I think he’s missed you.”  
“He’ll survive.” Matthew chuckled, handing her a bottle of sparkling water as the car stopped and she pushed it away. “Besides I will see him at dinner tonight if you’re up to going.”  
“I will be.” Mary insisted as Isobel Crawley stepped out of the front door of the house and the car finally stopped. “Oh, thank god.”  
“Well let’s hold off on making any decisions.” Matthew sighed. She knew he was worried. Her nausea hadn’t been too bad lately, but it had never gone fully away. She had days where she was full of energy and then days like today where she just wanted to sleep and hide under the covers. Except now she was in her home town and she wasn’t ready to hide away. “Mother looks ready to jump out of her shoes.”  
“She does.” Mary laughed as Matthew opened the car door and slid out, reaching his hand in for her. Mary stepped out, immediately smiling at the familiar air.   
“Matthew! Mary!” Isobel Crawley beamed as the driver walked around to get the few cases they traveled with out of the car. “You’re finally home.”  
“We are.” Matthew leaned forward, kissing his mother’s cheek before embracing her with a huge hug.   
“And Mary!” Isobel pulled away from mother, wrapping her arms around Mary which threw her off for a moment. Mary wasn’t sure what Isobel had thought of her, but right now she felt like maybe Isobel was just happy that they were happy. “And you’re glowing.”  
“Well, I don’t know if it’s called glowing, but thank you.” Mary said, feeling a bit out of breath.   
“Mary hasn’t had the greatest day in terms of feeling well.” Matthew explained, moving his hand to her back. “I am actually going to cancel drinks with Tom.”  
“You really don’t need to do that.” Mary sighed, knowing Matthew just wanted to help. “I’m just going to sleep.”  
“Oh Matthew, I could stay with Mary.” Isobel offered, taking Mary’s hand. Mary looked to Matthew nervously, but not upset. There was something warm and kind about Isobel. She knew she was modern and that she was a more accepting person, but she understood that Isobel would want to side with Matthew. She always figured she did, but right now Isobel was being open to her and she felt like she wanted to be around Isobel.   
“She could.” Mary said quickly. Her hand moved to her stomach before smiling warmly at Isobel.   
“You’re sure?” Matthew frowned, looking at his mother who had without permission moved her hands to Mary’s stomach. “She’s touching you.”  
“Oh…sorry.” Isobel pulled back, raising her hands.   
“You’re okay.” Mary breathed, realizing that besides Matthew, Anna and her mother, Isobel was the only other person who had freely touched her stomach and much to her surprise, it hadn’t upset her. She had always wondered what she would do when someone randomly touched her stomach and she was still going to have to wonder, because Isobel wasn’t random. “Why don’t you meet Tom for that drink and I will get some rest.”  
“And I will put the baby outlet covers on the wall plugs.” Isobel said proudly as Mary and Matthew exchanged glances.   
“Mother…” Matthew reached for the suitcases as the driver offered to help take them in the doorway.   
It will be over a year before the outlet covers will be needed. Mary still has a while to go and then it will be months before the baby is mobile.”  
“And you’ll be too busy once the baby starts crawling to stop and place outlet covers.” Isobel said proudly as Matthew tipped the driver and walked back towards them. The suitcases that hadn’t been shipped back ahead of time were in the house and the three of them watched as the driver left the property. “It’s done now and you won’t have to worry about it.”  
“We appreciate it.” Matthew laughed, kissing her cheek. Mary was exhausted, feeling a bit uneasy as they stood outside of the house. “Why don’t we go inside?”  
“Why don’t you go join Tom for that drink?” Mary insisted, moving her hand back to her stomach. She was exhausted and regardless of what Matthew wanted, she was ready to get her body comfortable. Except she didn’t want to stop him from doing something good for him. “I’m just going to sleep.”  
“Are you sure?” Matthew frowned, stepping towards her. “I don’t like that you’ve felt dizzy and so bad today.”  
“Matthew…”  
“I have an idea.” Isobel perked up, making eye contact with Mary. “Why don’t I stay here with Mary, help her get comfortable and you go have a drink with Tom. That way she and I can catch up. I won’t show her the nursery, I’ll save that for you.”  
“Oh.” Matthew frowned, looking over to Mary. Mary was sure he was worried about leaving her when she hadn’t felt great, but it was pregnancy and he was going to have to do things for how own enjoyment. Mary would miss him, but it was only for a short amount of time and she needed to sleep. “If you promise to not view the nursery without me.”  
“I’ll remain surprised until you’re here.” Mary said softly as his hand reached for hers. “Go enjoy some time with Tom, I’m sure he’s missed you. Resume your bromance.”  
“Bromance?” Matthew questioned as Isobel laughed and Matthew looked up at her. “You don’t even…”  
“Even I know what a bromance is.” Isobel rolled her eyes, before shaking her head. “Now go see Tom and we’ll be fine here.”  
“Yes, we will.” Mary breathed, as Matthew leaned forward and kissed her cheek and she knew Isobel noticed. She imagined Matthew had confided in his mother, but it still felt a bit odd being back and everyone knowing that they were going to give this a shot. “Tell Tom I said ‘hello.”  
“I certainly will.” Matthew breathed, pushing her hair behind her ears. “Go get some sleep.”  
“Okay.” Mary smiled as she felt Isobel take her hand. She turned to walk towards the house, only making eye contact with Isobel for a moment. “How have you been? Other than helping renovate Matthew’s home?”  
“Oh, just volunteering at the hospital, tea with your grandmother a few times awake.” Isobel opened the door, allowing Mary to step into the house first.  
“Isobel.” Mary breathed, looking up at the old entry way to Crawley house. It was the same, except there was a new entry light fixture, a fresh coat of cream paint and a new entryway table. “It looks amazing.”  
“Matthew insisted I keep the tradition of the house the same, but just add some things to make it cozier and more modernized a bit.” Isobel said proudly, before walking to the stair way. “The entire house has a fresh coat of paint, and there are changes throughout, but we’re not done. I don’t want to impose on what you want now that you’re back.”  
“Oh Isobel…you’ve done amazing.” Mary walked towards the stair case, noticing the rug in front of the steps. “You’ll have to help me.”  
“I would like that.” Isobel said, her shoulders raising a bit as they smiled at each other. Mary then looked up the stairs and Isobel gestured. “Let’s go upstairs. The baby’s room is closed and there are a few changes in the bedroom you’ll be in with Matthew.”  
“Alright.” Mary made her way up to the stairs, reaching for the railing as she reached the top, smiling when she saw the little wall plug in filling the hallway with a slight floral scent. It was light enough that it didn’t overwhelm her and she quite liked it. “Isobel, it looks great.”  
“I added a rug for the hallway, something softer to walk on and gentler for when the baby is mobile, although we’ll need baby gates.” Isobel said proudly, before opening the door to what was Matthew’s room. She had never seen the room before, but as she walked in it looked like it was their room. There was no old Edwardian bedding. Instead it was a room with light gray walls, an overstuffed white down comforter and piles of throw pillows that she knew Matthew didn’t have there before. “I avoided adding any wall décor or accent colors, I figured you and Matthew could make that choice. Of course, the throw pillows are neutral, but I wanted them here for comfort. It needed to look like home when you walked in.”  
“Isobel, I can’t thank you enough.” Mary’s breath was taken away by everything Isobel had done to the house.   
“Matthew was adamant that the house gets ready for you from the moment everything happened.” Isobel said, walking over to the closet. “Before you even came home the first time, he had this closet expanded. I think deep down he always hoped you would return.”  
“Oh.” Mary frowned, looking down at her hands. She hadn’t felt well today and she was reminded that there had been so much time away from Matthew.   
“Oh dear, I didn’t mean to make you uneasy.” Isabel frowned, before stepping forward and grabbing her hand.  
“It’s not that you made me uneasy.” Mary followed Isobel into the closet, looking around and noticing that Anna had put her stuff on one side of the closet, everything looking carefully organized. “I’ve been feeling a bit off today and then when I think about all of the time Matthew and I were away from each other, it makes me a bit sad.”  
“Well, you’re back together now.” Isobel walked over to a set of drawers, reaching for some yoga pants and a tank top. “Anna said you might want to change into this as soon as you get here, she put it on top.”  
“I’m always so grateful for her.” Mary accepted the pajamas as Isobel walked to the door. “I’ll change.”  
“I’ll be right out here, we’re going to get you in bed.” Isobel said, stepping out of the closet. Mary took a deep breath, stepping forward and running her hands over the clothes on Matthew’s side of the closet. It was the first time she had seen his clothes, hanging so neatly and organized and then she looked over at her clothes, smiling as she thought they looked perfect hanging in the same space. She heard Isobel out in the room, putting throw pillows away and Mary undressed quickly. She tied the lounge pants below her bump, sliding the tank top on before stepping out. “Sorry, it was a bit difficult to tie the pants with this stomach growing. I’ll have to start keeping that in mind.”  
“When I was pregnant with Matthew, I remember the day I realized I couldn’t see my feet anymore.” Isobel laughed, pushing the covers back. She gestured for her to slide into the bed and Mary stepped forward, wavering a bit as she felt nausea again. She gripped the side table, feeling a hand move to her back as she realized she was dizzy. “Are you alright? I’m here.”  
“Yes.” Mary nodded, moving her hand over her face. She straightened her body, turning to Isobel who smiled warmly at her. “I’ve been doing much better, but I’ve been having a rough day.”  
“That’s normal.” Isobel promised, helping Mary slide into the bed, letting go over her hand to move the pillows behind her. She propped the pillows carefully, and Mary watched as Matthew’s mother did her best to take care of her. She hadn’t expected Isobel to be rude or cold, that wasn’t her. She just hadn’t expected Isobel to be so warm, making her feel like she was family. Isobel moved to sit on the side of the bed, reaching for Mary’s hand. “I think you should stay in tonight, go up to the big house tomorrow.”  
“I don’t want to disappoint everyone.” Mary frowned, her hands moving to cradle her stomach.   
“They’ll understand and you need your rest. Days like today, you need to listen to your body and take care of you, and that little one inside of you.” Isobel moved her hands to each side of Mary’s stomach, then moving a hand up to Mary’s forehead. “Well you’re not feverish. Do you feel shaky?”  
“A bit.” Mary nodded, taking a deep breath as she looked down at Isobel’s hand.   
“Have you eaten much today?” Isobel asked, placing her two fingers on Mary’s wrist, to try and measure her pulse. At least that is what Mary assumed as she closed her eyes.   
“I haven’t tried anything since this morning.” Mary confessed as Isobel opened her eyes. “What’s wrong?”  
“I’m sure everything is fine, but I want you to eat.” Isobel stood, running her hand over the blankets. “I am going to bring you some fruit and some toast. Would you like a cup of tea?”  
“I’m a bit sleepy.” Mary frowned.   
“You can close your eyes until I bring you something to fill your stomach, then you can sleep some more.” Isobel smiled warmly, pushing Mary’s hair behind her ears. “I’m so glad you’re home, dear.”  
“Me too.” Mary breathed, feeling that Isobel didn’t just mean she was glad to see her back again. She felt like Isobel was truly happy to have her back here permanently. She watched the way Isobel adjusted the pillow and pushed her hair back, it was the same way Cora would do so lovingly. Isobel was a mother, Cora was a mother and soon she would be too. Except she wondered if she could ever be the type of mother who would know to check for a fever or push hair out of her child’s face. “Is it hard?”  
“Is what hard, darling?” Isobel asked, moving to close the shades.   
“Being a mother.” Mary’s voice was soft as she looked up at Isobel.   
“It is the hardest job I have ever had.” Isobel confessed, moving back to the bed. Her face became serious as if she was thinking long and hard about her words. Then a small smile crept to her lips. “The hardest, most tiring, frustrating, most amazing job.”  
“That’s a lot of feeling towards it.” Mary giggled tiredly.   
“It’s not easy. Every single time your child hurts, you’ll hurt too.” Isobel explained, moving her hand over Mary’s. “Except, it’s the most amazing feeling to be a mother. Your little one will look up at you and the first time that it happens, everything changes. You’ll never feel a love like it.”  
“You make it sound beautiful.”   
“It is.” Isobel smiled proudly, before squeezing her hand. “Close your eyes, I’ll be back shortly.”  
“Of course. Thank you.” Mary smiled, as Isobel got up and walked out of the room. Mary looked around the darkened room for a moment, trying to envision what life was going to be like in this home, with Matthew and her child. She wondered if they would laugh a lot, if they would fight and spend their nights in silence. She didn’t know. Except the way Matthew’s mother had just gently treated her, she hoped this all worked out because for the first time in a long time, Mary felt loved. Not just by her family, but by others. Isobel Crawley was a kind woman and a woman who seemed to know and respect Mary for her choices. She seemed pleased that she had made her way home and excited that she would be living at Crawley house with the baby. A part of her wanted and hoped that her relationship with Isobel would grow, but deep down she had no idea how Isobel would feel about the baby that would be here in a few months. It was something in the back of her mind, that no matter how blissful or tired she felt in a moment, it wouldn’t go away. She hated that part and when she began therapy, she knew it would have to come up. She had experienced a few therapy sessions in Paris, but she knew Matthew and her family expected her to throw herself into it. They weren’t wrong, but it wasn’t something she had yet fully accepted. Being mentally and emotionally broken, wasn’t easy. Especially when she felt so content with Isobel and so warm, but that doubt still consumed her even when she wanted to close her eyes and let someone else take care of her.


	32. Chapter 32

Matthew had come home from his drink with Tom hours ago. They had caught up on sports and life, just as they had the day, he had assisted him in packing up the Paris flat. It was nice to be back at Downton, but while he was there his mother had called and mentioned that Mary might be too tired for dinner at the house. After talking to Robert and Cora, they had decided a better welcome home dinner would be to have it the next day. Mary was doing so well, but pregnancy was tough sometimes and he wanted her to rest. When he walked into his home, his mother asked him to join him in the sitting room for tea and advised him that Mary had finally eaten a full plate of food and was in a deep sleep in their room upstairs. He was grateful to his mother for checking on her several times and smiled as she commented how Mary slept with her hand protectively over her stomach. They had talked about the house, the next steps they wanted to get to work on before he thanked his mother and she left. Now, he was waking up after having fallen asleep next to Mary. He checked his watch, noticing he had slept around two hours, which Mary had been asleep a bit longer. He rolled over, moving his hand to her face. She needed to wake up if she was going to sleep at all tonight. Except, Mary looked so peaceful and he was hesitant to wake her. Still, they both would be up all night if he didn’t wake her soon. Matthew leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to her nose, chuckling quietly as she swatted her hand against her nose. He Moved his lips to her cheek, kissing softly again, but this time leaving his lips there a bit longer. When she didn’t react, he moved his hands down her side, his lips dipping just below her jawline. “Mary.”  
“Mmm…” He heard her mutter, except her eyes didn’t open and she just shifted slightly.   
“Mary.” Matthew moved his lips down her neck, softly kissing her again. “Wakeup, darling.”  
“Time?” She whispered, her arm moving to drape over his back.   
“A little after seven.” He replied, sliding his hand under the back of her top.   
“After seven?” She whispered, her body relaxing against his. He pressed soft kisses against her jawline before laughing and resting his hand on her chest as he realized she had fallen back to sleep. He wanted her to wake up, but he also loved these moments where it was just the two of them and she was so at peace. He loved the way she slept against him and he could tell she trusted him. It was reassuring when he knew she was full of doubt. She slept so comfortably against him and those were the moments he knew her mind wasn’t weighing her down. “Matthew?”  
“Yes?”  
“We need to get dressed for dinner.” Mary rolled onto her back, her hands moving to rub her eyes.   
“I talked to your parents, we’ve moved dinner until tomorrow.” Matthew inched closer, his hand moving back over her stomach. “We all felt that with how you were feeling today, you may enjoy dinner more tomorrow.”  
“Hmm…you’re probably right.” Mary rolled her eyes, before looking over at him. Her eyes were heavy and tired, but she smiled. “You slept too?”  
“I did.” Matthew smiled. “And you seem to be feeling a bit better.”  
“I am.” Mary turned back on her side and took a deep breath. She moved her hand to his face, cupping his face before leaning forward and giving him a soft kiss. “It’s amazing what a bit of food and sleep will do.”  
“Mother was quite worried about you, says even though you’ve improved your pregnancy had a rough start and we can’t let you overwork yourself.” Matthew agreed with his mother, who had offered to come help out at the house. She lived up the road in a slightly bigger home she and Lord Merton had acquired. However, she felt that with Matthew going back to work and Mary having so many struggles it would be beneficial to do her part to make Mary’s life easier. He was grateful to her. “She’s also full of her own ideas about the baby.”  
“Oh, she is?” Mary raised an eyebrow, sliding her hand along his chest. “And what are her ideas?”  
“Well for starters, she hopes that you’ll allow her to bond with the baby as you would let your parents. She says all of our children should know they are loved equally.” Matthew said nervously, lacing his fingers in hers. “And she believes its important for a little one to have memories.”  
“Well, it is comforting to know that she’s so welcoming of my child.”   
“Our child.” Matthew moved his hand over her stomach, tilting his head to kiss her softly. “Our family, our children.”  
“Hmm….and her other ideas?” Mary asked, kissing him again.   
“She asked that you consider she be known as Nana with all of the children and thinks that we should start reading to the baby before he or she is even born.” Matthew laughed, sitting up in the bed. He pushed the covers back, gripping Mary’s hand. “Actually, she said that the bookshelves already have a ton of books.”  
“How did I know your mother would be prepared.” Mary laughed, as he tugged lightly at her hand.   
“I got a peek at just how prepared she’s been.” Matthew teased.   
“What?” Mary asked, smiling at him curiously.   
“Let’s go see the nursery.” Matthew proposed, pulling at her hand again.  
“Okay.” Mary bit her lip as she smiled and Matthew moved to pull her legs across the bed.   
“Matthew!” Mary giggled, as he dropped her legs and reached to pull her by her hands. He couldn’t help but smile as she came to her feet, wrapping her arm around his neck, before taking a deep breath and pressing her lips against his. “I want to see baby’s room.”  
“Let’s go.” He kissed her again, before letting go and walking towards the door of the big room, he could tell she was excited as she quickly followed behind him. As they stood outside of the door, Matthew looked at Mary before taking a deep breath. He had only seen the room on video chat and by pictures, but now he was going to show Mary and all he could do was hope that she loved the little blue room being prepped for a little prince or princess. “Okay.”  
“Matthew, open the door.” She almost bounced, her hands on his shoulders as the door opened and they slowly walked inside. Mary smiled as she looked to the right, flipping the light switch on to the dark room. The white light fixture on the ceiling sent a white light throughout the room and a small little table lamp next to the rocking chair came on too. “Oh my.”  
“What do you think?” Matthew asked, walking over to the built in book shelves. “We stuck with white wood, thought it looked more classic. The crib is white, but if you hate it, we can…”  
“I love it.” Mary walked over to the crib, running her hands over the rail.   
“Mr. Holt in town made the crib custom. We felt it was important that the wood work be done by someone local to Downton.” Matthew explained, walking over to her.   
“It’s beautiful.” Mary bit her lip, walking over to the bookshelves. “I love the blue.”  
“Perfect for a little girl or boy.” Matthew said proudly, picking up a white knitted elephant. “Mother hasn’t purchased too many things, but she said this little guy was too cute for her to pass up. I agree.”  
“He’s darling.” Mary smiled as Matthew noticed her eyes were watering. “Matthew, she…and you…didn’t have to do all of this. It’s not your…”  
“I want it to be my responsibility.” Matthew handed Mary the elephant. He knew she was emotional, but he could see how grateful she was for the nursery and he hoped she now saw just how much he loved her. “And I want us all to spend a lot of time in this room. Playing. Reading. Begging that tiny wonder to finally go to sleep.”  
“So, it won’t just be me up with this little wonder?” She laughed through her tears, stroking the small elephant’s ears. “Begging he or she to go to sleep.”  
“Oh, definitely not. I will be there.” Matthew assured her, taking the elephant back. “What shall we call him?”  
“Call him?” Mary looked up; a bit confused. “The elephant?”  
“Yeah, if the baby grows fond of him.” Matthew held him up, shaking the stuffed animal. “We’ll surely have to call him something other than ‘elephant’.”  
“Very true.” Mary giggled, wiping at her eyes. “Elliot.”   
“Elliot? That was fast.”  
“Well it starts with the same letters as elephant.” She said, shrugging her shoulders. “It’s the first that came to mind. Is it bad?”  
“No.” Matthew shook his head, before lifting the little arm of the elephant. “Elliot the Elephant. That’s his name.”  
“Nice to have you Elliot.” Mary laughed, taking the elephant and walking over to sit him on the small changing table.   
“And then there are already dozens of books.” Matthew said, pointing to the book shelf. “That’s another thing, courtesy of my mother. Cora also bought some.”  
“We should do something, to thank everyone.” Mary replied.   
“We can do that.” He confirmed, as she messed with the drawers on the little changing table, noticing every detail. “Matthew, I can’t thank you…”  
“Stop.” He moved his finger over her lips, before pulling it away to kiss her softly. “I did this, because this is going to be our life and I can’t wait. And I want a space for us to come in every night after bath time or after a long day and put our child to bed. A place where we watch this one and any other baby to grow.”  
“Any other baby?”  
“Well, I’m hoping we can get at least two more after this one.” Matthew walked back over to her, moving one of his hands to her hair. His body ached for her, even when she was tired and her hair was disheveled from sleeping. “But I find you irresistible, so two is a little bit low on the estimation side.”  
“You are something.” Mary rolled her eyes, before turning towards the bookshelves. Matthew had to admit; the work that had been done in the room was even more impressive in person. However, the joy it brought to Mary is what made it all worth it. He couldn’t wait until the baby was here. He knew she had her doubts, but all he could think about was the moments they would spend together with a little person who would rely so much on them. “What?”  
“I just love you.” Matthew shook his head before pressing his lips into hers. “So much.”  
“Yeah?” She breathed against his lips, her hands moving to his chest. “I love you too.”  
“How are you feeling?” He asked, his hands moving to the ribbon on the waistline of her pajama bottoms. His fingers entangled in the ribbon, untying the bow.   
“Great…” She whispered, moving her hands to his shirt, pulling it over his head. He dipped his head down to her collar bone, his hands pushing her pants down to her feet before moving his hands under her arms and hoisting her up onto the changing table.   
“Thank God.” Matthew sighed, suddenly realizing his need to be with her surpassed more than just being in the same room as her. He pushed his own pants down, before pushing the straps of her tank top down, her top falling right above her abdomen. “Glad.”  
“Me too.” She moved her hands to his hair as he dipped his head back on her collarbone, furiously kissing along her chest. His lips moved down to her breast, his teeth teasing her nipple lightly as she let her head fall back and moan. “Matthew…”  
“What?” He smiled, his breath teasing her.   
“I can’t…don’t play with me…” She moaned as he trailed his tongue around her perky nipples. “I can’t…tired and…need you.”  
“Okay.” He breathed, kissing back up to her neck, nipping lightly at the edges of her face.   
“Matthew…wait…”  
“What’s wrong?” He whispered, his hand moving to her center to feel she was already aching for him.   
“Elliot.” She giggled breathlessly, reaching her hand behind her to grab the soft stuffed animal, tossing him onto the floor.   
“Oh yes. Can’t have Elliot witness what I’m about to do to you.” Matthew joked, kicking the elephant under the rocking chair before looking back at Mary as she burst into a giggle. He looked back at his love, moving his fingers along her jawline, licking his lips as he felt how warm her cheeks were. The ways she looked at him, sending a throbbing pain to him faster than he would expect, every time shook him. Whether in moments of vulnerability or tempting him, she did things to him and he couldn’t imagine a time where he wouldn’t find her sexy. He was convinced. As he looked at her enlarged breasts, her pink cheeks or her the way she bit her lips as she ran her foot along his ass, Matthew knew he would never lose interest. Not ever. Matthew moved her arms around his neck and caught her off guard, lifting her waist forward and pulling her onto him, pushing her hard into the surface. “Mary…”  
“Oh god…” She moved her hands to his shoulders, squeezing her nails into his shoulders as he groaned in pain from her nails. Still, he didn’t stop, slamming his body into her as she let her head fall onto his shoulder, clutching as he gyrated and sent shockwaves into her body.   
“Mary…god…” Matthew pushed harder, feeling her lips move to his neck. He moaned as he pulled her hair back and his lips moved to her neck, sucking as he moved in and out of her. She screamed out as he filled her and groaned out in satisfaction. “Shit.”  
“Oh my…god…” Mary gasped, her head falling back. They breathed heavily against each other, before Matthew pulled himself out of her, and pushed his hair from her face. “Wow…”  
“Yeah…” He laughed breathlessly and stroked her cheek. Her eyes were closed, her face covered in a look of ecstasy as she let out a light smile and he moved his lips to hers. “Still tired?”  
“Exhausted.” She confessed, opening her eyes and moving her hands to his hair. “That was…something.”  
“It was.” He uttered, helping her fix her top. He then pulled his pants up, reaching for the stuffed elephant and moving it behind her on the changing table. “We should probably clean this off before the baby gets here.”  
“Oh…. we just….in the nursery.”   
“Oh, trust me, we’re going to christen this entire house.” Matthew assured her, lifting her off the table. “But I will clean this tomorrow.”  
“Okay, good.” Mary nodded, stumbling slightly as he grabbed her. “Oh.”  
“Hey.” He frowned, holding her. “You alright?”  
“My legs are a bit wobbly.” She breathed, giggling lightly. “You worked hard.”  
“Yeah, but I guess I should be more careful these days.” He said, kissing her as he leaned down. “Pants on?”  
“Off.” She sighed, stepping out of the pajama bottoms. “Can I be honest?”  
“Always.” He laughed, grabbing the navy-blue bottoms.   
“They’re too tight and really uncomfortable.” Mary confessed, her hand moving to her hip.   
“Naked is better.” He laughed, standing and giving her a kiss on the head.   
“Yes.” She agreed, walking towards the door and turning around. Matthew watched as she turned around, one hand moving over and stroking her stomach. “I love the room.”  
“I’m glad.” Matthew grinned. He was thrilled that the room had gone over so well, having known that she had been through so much. He loved seeing her happy, even standing pant less in front of him looking exhausted.   
“Matthew…” Mary said as he turned to fix the things they had knocked over on the changing table. He then moved to turn off the little side lamp, wanting to take it off the main switch. “Matthew…”  
“Yeah?” He looked up, to find her face serious and both of her hands on her stomach, moving around. “What’s wrong?”  
“Can you…put your hand here? I…right here.” She waived him over, moving her hand over her stomach. “Do you feel that?”  
“Feel what?” He frowned, pressing firmly. “Is something wrong?”  
“I think…kicks. They’re like tiny bumps. Little baby kicks. Perfect baby kicks.” She said, her face lighting up, and she asked him again. “You feel that, right?”  
“I don’t feel anything.” Matthew said, his lips moving to a smile as he saw how her face began to look so proud.   
“It feels like…butterflies or something.” Mary breathed, as Matthew moved to turn the light switch off and they walked out of the room. He couldn’t help but smile, she was so proud. “My baby…”  
“It’s probably too soon for anyone on the outside to feel it, that’s for you right now.” Matthew rubbed her back, placing a kiss on the back of her neck before they walked back into the bedroom. As they stepped into the room, Mary moved her body into the bed and immediately moved her hands back to try and make the baby move again. He had read how a mother would be able to feel her baby move before anyone else, but nothing could prepare him for the look on her face when she realized what it was, or when she told him the ‘baby kicks’ were happening in her stomach. That was a moment he wanted to replay over and over in his head. Watching her as she positioned herself in bed, he leaned in the door way as he watched her talk to the large bump at her waist, urging it to make the kicks again and Matthew knew. He knew that one day, that baby would be here and she was going to be an amazing mother.


	33. Chapter 33

He had let her walk out. That was what Mary reminded herself as Richard drove her home after the night at a gala. It had been two months since the day she had married another man and often her mind would still escape to the day Matthew let her go. Now, she was married. Things with Carlisle were fine. He was the same conceited man she knew. He was busy. He was always working so they hadn’t really gotten to spend much time alone, but Mary was grateful for the gala. It meant that they had seen each other off and on for the past few hours and now they would go home together. She was tired, but he was her husband. Spending time alone would be good for them. He clutched her hand and she looked up and smiled at him. She didn’t feel magical about him. He didn’t send a shiver up her spine the way Matthew did, but they were married now. It was her role to be a wife and make her marriage work. She was going to do that. She was going to be the best damn wife to Richard Carlisle and make him happy. It was her job. He wasn’t the warmest, but he wasn’t a bad man. He was a smart and resourceful man who had worked for everything he had. Everything he had decided that he wanted to share with her. She was going to make this work, even if deep down she knew her heart was damaged beyond repair. The moment Matthew let her walk out, her heart had broken and now her love was directed to someone else. She wasn’t sure that Carlisle would ever have the opportunity to fully understand how capable of loving him she was, because another man would have her heart. Still, she would do her best to make sure he felt as if he was the man who had her heart. As their car approached the street that their home was on, Mary ran her hands over the cobalt blue dress and she looked up at her husband and smiled. “Your speech was great tonight.”  
“No, it wasn’t.” Carlisle groaned, before looking out the window. “I wish the damn board would have given me permission to announce the merger. It would have given that ass Morty Cooper something to choke on.”  
“You’re still mad he wouldn’t make a deal with you?” Mary sighed, reaching for her husband’s hand but he pulled away. “Richard…”  
“Mary, you don’t understand business. Stay in your lane.” Richard sighed as the car stopped in front of their home and Richard quickly exited the car and she sat there alone for a moment with the driver, before Richard opened her door. “Come on.”  
“Of course.” Mary got out, as Richard grabbed her wrist and they walked towards the house. His hand was a little tight around her wrist, but he was tired and cranky. He just needed to get some sleep. “Let’s get inside, I’ll help you unwind.”  
“Mary, not tonight. This isn’t child’s play. This is real business.” Carlisle groaned, opening the door to the house and stepping inside ahead of Mary.  
“Richard, it went well. I promise.” Mary assured him as he immediately went to his bar cart to pour a drink.   
“You know what I think?” Richard scoffed.   
“What?” Mary rolled her eyes, stepping out of her high heels.   
“I think you looked bored the entire time. As if you were a million miles away.” Richard took a large sip of his whiskey, before slamming the glass down. He shook his head, wiping at his mouth. “You know, if you look bored by me, then I become a laughing stock of the entire room.”  
“I wasn’t bored.” Mary denied. She had never seen Richard look this mad at her over something that was probably not even a big deal. “Let’s just go to bed.”  
“Is that what I am? A joke to you? A little deal?” Carlisle walked towards her as she stepped forward.   
“No.” She shook her head as he reached for her wrist, digging his hands into her skin. “Richard!”  
“Don’t ever do that again.” Carlisle demanded, his grasp tightening around her. “I…”  
“Stop.” Mary pulled her hand from his grasp, her other hand moving instinctively over her sore wrist. “Richard!”  
“Damn it.” Richard ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I just got frustrated and you kept mouthing off.”  
“I was trying to help.” Mary’s eyes narrowed, looking down at the handprint on his wrist. “You…”  
“I didn’t mean to grab so firmly.” Richard sighed, stepping forward. “Darling, you’re tired. Go up to bed. We just need a good night of sleep. We’re both grouchy and we’re getting heated.”  
“Right…” She nodded, as her husband leaned over and kissed her cheek before gesturing for her to go up to bed. Mary was stunned, her hands falling to the waist side as she obliged and made her way upstairs. He had just grabbed her, but he was frustrated and exhausted. For whatever reason, he felt she had been bored and that made this event unsuccessful. He wasn’t wrong. She was a million miles away, but it wasn’t his fault. She was thinking about her life and how she had gotten here. It wasn’t the first time he had grabbed her with a strong grip, but it was the first time he seemed to be in some sort of rage. He was sorry and maybe he had been right. One thing was for sure, she wasn’t interested in the words her husband had spoken and she needed to work harder. 

DOWNTONABBEYDOWNTONABBEY DOWNTONABBEYDOWNTONABBEY DOWNTONABBEYDOWNTONABBEY DOWNTONABBEYDOWNTONABBEY DOWNTONABBEYDOWNTONABBEY   
Mary sat in the big library, scrolling through the Boden newborn clothing pages. She had found a few pieces of gender-neutral clothing before stopping on a printed sleeper with sailboats. The small clothing was adorable and she found herself looking at little dresses and little bow ties. It made her want to find out whether she was having a boy or a girl. She was getting an ultrasound later in the week and would make sure to ask the doctor if she could find out. That way it would make it much easier to prepare. A part of her had been hesitant about getting things ready, but after two therapy sessions the therapist encouraged her to start buying pieces for her child. Dr. Brinley thought that she was in a bit of denial about the opportunity to be happy and that she wasn’t getting things for her baby, because she was worried it wouldn’t last. Dr. Brinley asked if the doctor said anything about the baby being unhealthy and when she told her that the doctor didn’t have concerns, she urged Mary to start considering buying an outfit or a blanket. Mary had contemplated buying things, but had never pulled the trigger. Now, as she looked at a pink little dress, she wished her appointment was today. It was time to know whether her baby was a boy or a girl.   
“You’re deep in thought.” Mary looked up to see her mother, standing above her before leaning over and looking at her phone. “Pretty dress.”  
“And won’t be needed if it’s a little boy.” Mary sighed, locking her phone and sitting back in the chair. “We’ll all know soon.”  
“Oh, we could do one of those gender reveal parties! I saw it in a magazine.” Cora clasped her hands together before sitting on the small sofa. “Pink for girl and blue for…”  
“We’re not doing a gender reveal.” Mary rolled her eyes, running her hand over her stomach. “I’ll call you when I know.”  
“Well, we can still celebrate by finally decorating the nursery.” Cora brushed her hand over her skirt, before looking up at her daughter. “Your appointment is Friday?”  
“Yes, and then I have a therapy appointment in the afternoon.” Mary sighed, placing her phone on the table and picking up a glass of water. “And Dr. Brinley is at her London office. I made the mistake when I scheduled. Matthew wanted me to ask if you could come with me, although I am perfectly capable of going to London on my own.”  
“Friday?” Cora frowned, her shoulders dropping. “I have to attend a concert put on by the children’s home. Can’t you reschedule? Your father, Tom and Edith are going back to America for a week on Friday. Edith wants to see some of the fashion so she’s tagging along. Isobel will be with me.”  
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll take the train and come home in the evening.” Mary shrugged, looking down at her stomach. She smiled to herself as the baby kicked again and looked up at her mother. “If my appointment runs too late or I’m too tired I can stay in London.”  
“Matthew can’t go?” Cora asked.   
“He has a big meeting and its supposed to run all day.” Mary sighed, knowing Matthew had wanted her to reschedule so that she could see her doctor at a local office. “I told him its nothing to worry about.”  
“Well you could reschedule.”  
“Everyone was so up in arms about making sure I sought out therapy.” Mary rolled her eyes, shifting in her chair as she felt pressure in her abdomen that the doctor blamed on growing pains. “Well, now I am in therapy and I will make my appointment in London.”  
“Well, just be careful. Cancel if you have any doubts about being well enough to go.” Cora requested and Mary could tell she was worried as she looked at her. “Are you feeling alright?”  
“Yes.” Mary sighed, leaning forward in the chair. “I’m just tired.”   
“Matthew said you were dizzy last night.”   
“I have a small person attached to me and it throws my balance off.” Mary laughed, shaking her head. “Surely mother, you remember being pregnant, don’t you?”  
“Yes, but the start of my pregnancies wasn’t coated in stress like yours.” Cora’s voice was worried and Mary’s smile faded. “I just worry about you.”  
“I know, but you don’t have to. The doctor said the dizzy spells are actually quite common due to the uterus putting pressure on the blood vessels.” Mary explained, resting her hands on her belly as she relaxed into the chair. “I just need to listen to when my body is feeling ill and take care of myself.”

“Please continue to do so.” Cora’s voice was soft as she got up from her chair. “And let us help you. You’re home now. We’re here to help and make this a good experience for you.”  
“Of course.” Mary sighed, as her mother came to sit in front of her and take her hand. “You and Isobel will be unable to contain yourselves once you know if it’s a little boy or girl.”  
“It will be so much fun to buy clothes and decorate the nursery.” Cora beamed, moving her hands to Mary’s stomach. “Has Matthew felt a kick yet?”  
“No and he’s been talking to my stomach every night just to try and get a response. Music, tapping…everything.” Mary giggled, shaking her belly lightly. “Come on little one.”  
“Yes, please at least let your grandmother feel.” Cora laughed, moving her hand around “And how is therapy going?”  
“It isn’t as bad as I thought.” Mary confessed, as she watched her mother try to feel a sign of a foot or a hand or a flip. “She just talks, makes me talk. I don’t feel like a guinea pig.”  
“Well, that’s good.” Cora replied, lifting her head as a busy Anna walked into the room with a gray sweater draped over arm. “Hello Anna, darling.”  
“Anna.”  
“Hello ladies.” Anna laughed, waiving her arm. “Mary, Mr. Carson wanted me to bring you a sweater. He said the air is a bit chilly in the house and he wants you to cover up.”   
“He’s always worrying.” Mary laughed, pushing herself off of the chair as Anna walked behind her. “I swear sometimes, I think you guys worry I can’t function without you.”  
“Well, you’ll never have to find out.” Anna winked over at Cora as she adjusted the sweater on Mary’s shoulders.   
“Anna, are you going to be around on Friday?” Cora asked, as Mary began to adjust the sweater.   
“I’ll be here, working on schedules with Mr. Carson.” Anna replied. “Why?”  
“I just want someone to go to London with Mary for her appointment.” Cora replied, her hand moving to Mary’s shoulder. “I just know she sometimes feels a bit under the weather and I wish she wasn’t going alone.”  
“I could talk to Mr. Carson, surely he won’t mind.” Anna replied, looking between the two of them.   
“No.” Mary rolled her eyes, pushing her sleeves up. “I will be fine. Help Carson. I’ll be home Friday evening.”  
“If you’re sure.” Anna said quietly.  
“I am.” Mary was a grown woman, sure that she was capable of getting to and from London without trouble. She knew everyone would worry. She had given them quite the fright and they were protective of her. It made sense. They had found her, almost dead in her own blood and now she was going to be out of their sight and making a journey. It wasn’t far. She had done the journey alone plenty of times before, but now she was pregnant and that meant there was someone else to worry about too. She would be careful and come right home. By that point, she would know what she was having and she’d want to come right home and begin to plan out the details of the little one’s bedroom, wardrobe and maybe even start thinking of a name. She hadn’t thought too hard about names yet, but once she knew what the baby was, she would likely fill her mind with ideas. Boy or girl, she imagined something classic and maybe a bit elegant. She would have to see. Of course, she imagined Matthew would be interested in knowing the gender and the baby’s name. Dr. Brinley said it would be up to her to decide the baby’s name, but that she should consider picking it out with Matthew. Since they were starting a life together and raising the child together, he could have a say and she would possibly feel like he was finally doing this out of love. Dr. Brinley felt like she needed to let Matthew in on the bigger choices to finally be happy and feel like she could trust him. She needed to give him the chance to show how much she and her baby meant and how he would love her baby as if it was his own. Dr. Brinley felt like letting him in for things like deciding the baby’s name would help her lighten up and accept happiness with Matthew. She would try. Matthew loved her. She knew that and by listening to her therapist, she would be able to allow him to love her baby as if he was that baby’s father.


	34. Chapter 34

As Mary walked down Piccadilly, she was reminded of just how much she loved Matthew’s laugh. He had called her just about the time that he knew she would be getting out of her therapy appointment and they had been on the phone for over ten minutes. She loved hearing the sound of his voice as he asked about her appointments, still apologizing that he wasn’t there with her. She hadn’t told him yet that she knew what the gender of her baby was. She felt like she wanted to tell him in person and she hadn’t even told him that she was going to find out. Dr. Brinley had asked her why she didn’t wait for Matthew to go find out what she was having, but she hadn’t thought about it before. Now, she wanted to tell him what her baby was when she was with him. She wanted to see the look on his face and get his opinion on things like the names or the nursery thing. Dr. Brinley thought those were discussions that she should have with Matthew. She reminded Mary that it wasn’t just her in a relationship, but that Matthew was trying to be apart of it too. She wanted him to feel involved and not like an outsider. Dr. Brinley reminded her that it wasn’t just about trusting Matthew. It was about the two of them having a healthy relationship and building a life together. It couldn’t be one sided. So now, she was listening to him talk about his day and she just wanted to be at home with him, curled up watching a cheesy movie or something. Even if it was one of his tough guy films, she just wanted to be with him. “Mary, have you eaten?”  
“I had a light snack on the way into London.” Mary rolled her eyes, stopping as cars drove down the street. “I will pick something up before boarding the train.”  
“Make sure you do.” Matthew insisted.   
“How was your meeting?” Mary asked, stopping near a metal bench on the side of the road to rest her feet.   
“It went well and I think I’ll be able to be work free all weekend.” Matthew breathed and she could hear him fumbling around in his office. “How are your feet?”  
“Matthew, I am fine. Although I regret wearing the heels.” Mary laughed breathlessly, massaging her stomach.   
“Mary, please tell me you didn’t actually wear heels.” Matthew sighed into the phone.   
“You’ll find out when I get home.” Mary giggled, as the traffic went on in front of her.   
“And I have to rub your feet?” Matthew chuckled.   
“Yes, and quite possibly make me a cup of tea.” She was tired, feeling her little one kick in her belly. She wanted to tell him that she knew more about the baby, but she would tell him tonight when they were on the couch together. “With honey.”  
“Oh well of course.” Matthew teased. “I could never deny you or the baby a foot rub and a cup of tea with honey.”   
“I know.” Mary breathed, wishing she could snap her fingers instead of spending time on the train or making her way there. Her body was tired and she knew she would regret wearing high heels even if she had just wanted to feel like the old Mary for a moment. “Dr. Morrison is the doctor at the practice who is going to deliver the baby.”  
“When is your next appointment.” Matthew asked her. “I would like to come and meet her.”  
“In about two weeks.” Mary answered, moving her purse to her lap. “They just want to run some labs. Standard.”  
“Alright, well give me the time and I will mark it on my calendar.” Matthew instructed, taking a deep breath into the phone. “I don’t like missing our appointments.”  
“I know.” She said softly, running her hand over her forehead. She ran her hand over her forehead, taking a deep breath. “When I get home tonight, I will catch you up on every little detail.”  
“I can hardly wait.” He was smiling. She could definitely hear that he was smiling. “Can you text me when you get on the train? I could pick you up when you arrive.”  
“No need. Mother already set up a car, but I promise to call.” Mary said softly, closing her eyes for a moment. “I’m just going to pick up the snack and I will be on my way. I love you.”  
“Alright. I love you too.” He said softly before she heard him hang up the phone.   
Mary took a deep breath, tossing her phone into her small purse before pushing herself off the of the Piccadilly bench. She pushed her hair behind her ears, adjusting her dress as she heard her phone buzz again. She debated leaving it in her purse, but instead she reached back in and saw it was a text from Matthew which sent a smile across her face. It was a text telling her that there would be a bath ready for her the moment she walked int the door and to just go right upstairs. He was amazing and she just wanted to lay her tired body in the tub with him. She texted him back, letting him know she hoped he would join, before tossing the phone back into her bag. She put a hand to her stomach, taking a deep breath and tapping her hands. The baby was sending little kicks along the wall of her belly and she was reminded she needed to go get something to eat. She could rest on the train. As she walked around the side of the bench, she bumped into a man in a top hat that was waiting for the light to change. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”  
“The Hell are…. Mary?” The voice was familiar, stern and she knew it. She looked up at the man in the hat, a man whose face she hadn’t seen since a dark day in her London home.  
“Richard.” Mary’s body felt cold, her feet feeling heavy as she saw the man in front of her. Her ex-husband.  
“Mary, I didn’t know you were back in London.” Richard aired a light smile, his hands still firmly on her shoulders. He looked around the street, almost as if he was making sure she was alone. “You should have called. We could have had lunch or caught up at the house.”  
“I’m not.” Mary felt her stomach twist as she realized he was there, right in front of her. He was smiling as if she was an old friend. “I mean I am here. Just not for long. I’m leaving. I didn’t come for lunch or whatever you’re offering.”  
“Alone?” Richard smirked, looking around. “I don’t see any of the Crawley army here to try and threaten me to get away from you. I hope you’ll remind them that I didn’t seek you out per that rich agreement your father helped create. After that full Murray and that investigator dipped into my business dealings. I’m not mad at you for leading them there.”  
“I was unconscious thanks to you. I should leave now.” Mary felt like he was too close to her, close enough to grasp her wrist or shove her into the pavement. She had been here before. She had stood in front of him a hundred times and he was looking at her so warmly, but she felt her face get cold and her stomach twist. He was capable of hurting her. She stood in front of him, remembering the time he shoved her down the steps of their home, then panicked while apologizing and cleaning up the blood from her back. “I shouldn’t be here and you’re not allowed near me.”  
“Mary, don’t. I’m not going to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. You always just pushed me too far.” Richard Carlisle said, standing in front of her. His voice lowered as he almost looked to make sure nobody would rush her away from him. “Still. I don’t want to push blame. Thank you for coming.”  
“Thank you for…I’m not here for you.” Mary glared, stepping back. “I’m not here for you at all.”  
“It doesn’t matter.” Richard said proudly. “Let’s go somewhere to talk.”  
“I’m not going anywhere with you.” She hissed, her hands moving to her stomach. “And how dare you assume that I would.  
“Right, because you believe I’m dangerous but what you don’t remember about that day is that you snapped. It was self-defense. Mary, you went crazy.” Richard explained; except she knew better. She knew he always turned his power trips against her as if she had created the issue. Her therapist on the very first day reminded her that he used blame as a way to justify his actions. She explained to Mary that he was taking advantage and brainwashing her. Before he spoke again, he looked down at her. “How is our baby? Law or not, that baby is half of my blood.”  
“My baby. You’re nothing but a scientific donor in my child’s life. Mine. Never yours.” Mary snapped, keeping her voice low. “And you’re out of his or her life. You don’t get a say or call it yours. I don’t care what you say to me, but don’t ever act like you’ll have a role in his or her life.”  
“I understand that and I don’t intend on challenging the agreement at all. I don’t even plan on ever violating it. I have someone I am dating now.” Richard said, looking at his watch. “Is the baby alright? Matthew wouldn’t tell me much about it.”  
“The baby is fine. Not that it is any of your concern.” Mary bit her lip and looked down at her stomach. She stepped back again as his words replayed in her mind. She stuttered for a moment, surely realizing that the words she heard were wrong. There was no way. “What do you mean, Matthew wouldn’t tell you?”  
“He didn’t tell you.” Richard Carlisle smirked. “About meeting me for a drink.”  
“What?” Mary frowned, shaking her head furiously as she didn’t want to appear to know less then him. “Of course, he did. Slipped my mind. Things tend to do that these days.”  
“Yes, I know the look of your face when you’ve been caught off guard.” Richard laughed, shaking his own head. “I advised him that I wanted to talk to you. I don’t want anything to do with our child Mary. I figured that he would tell you that, but I told him I wanted to work on our marriage. The child was just another hurdle we should have worked towards.”  
“A hurdle? Is that why you tried to beat me senseless? Or were you just trying to kill me? Because I got myself pregnant with the baby you insisted, we have?” Mary snapped, tightening her coat around her stomach. “He told me. He did. And I wasn’t ever coming back with you after that. You signed away your parental rights, thankfully. You don’t deserve to know a thing about this child and you should have stayed away from Matthew.”  
“You’re right. I thought so too.” Richard replied, as he accepted a flyer being handed out by a man on the street before folding it and placing it into his coat pocket. “I’ll admit that when he invited me to join him, I was stunned. I was just so worried about you though. I needed to know how you were. I needed him to know that while I wasn’t interested in being a father, I wanted my wife back. Except he had no interest in telling you to talk to me. He made it clear he wasn’t going to tell you, but you’re here now so maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he’s tired of getting my sloppy seconds. Or maybe he doesn’t want a bastard.”  
“But you said you’ve moved on. You’re dating someone now.” Mary ignored him. How dare he call her baby a bastard?  
“I am, but you know me. Always seeing someone.” Richard smirked. “Which shouldn’t surprise you. Since you had your own affairs.”  
“I never did.” She argued, her body fuming and hurt.   
“Matthew?” Carlisle said, almost asking.   
“I never once dated or slept with Matthew when I was married to you.” Mary groaned, moving her hand up.  
“But you are now.” Carlisle shifted. “As expected,. I was never to be rid of him. Do you think I didn’t know you chose me when you couldn’t have him?”  
“That is none of your business.” Mary replied, taking another step back. She felt like she was going to be sick, her cheeks feeling clammy. “You’ve run into me by chance today. You got your wish. You’ve seen me. You didn’t seek me out, but you better uphold your end of the deal. I’ll hold up mine.”  
“You don’t have anything to hold up. You left the marriage with your baby and without my money.” Richard said proudly, raising both of his hands. “I know this is confusing. Seeing me. I honestly didn’t expect to see you when I left my office this afternoon. Nice surprise.”  
“Well, you’ve seen me.”  
“I have.” Carlisle nodded as his phone began to ring. He retrieved it from his pocket, putting his finger up as he used to do to warn her not to talk as he spoke into the phone. “Hello. Yes. Damn it. Fine, I’ll be there. No. Not busy. See you soon.”  
“I see some things never change.” Mary rolled her eyes, trying to remain unphased by her ex. “Are you going to berate your entire staff? Your girlfriend?”  
“Part of our agreement is that we don’t get a status update of our new lives.” Carlisle almost reprimanded her, as he turned and began to walk back. He stopped, looking back at her. “And just so you know, I only wanted you pregnant to give you something to keep you busy. Can you imagine me with a child? You can keep it to yourself. You don’t have to worry about me trying to contact the child. It’s clear you’re not going to return to me, because they’ve gotten to you. However, the kid. It might be my DNA, but knowing you…it isn’t. Keep it. I don’t have a use for the faulty debris in our marriage.”  
“I’m not interested in hearing what you wanted.” Mary replied, as she turned and walked away from him. She took her steps with the traffic, her heart pounding as he called her baby debris. She was glad he seemed to mean that he wanted nothing to do with her child. She wasn’t sure what she would tell her baby one day, but for now she was glad that he was gone. Except now, she knew Matthew had kept a secret from her. A secret too big to keep. He had spoken to Richard Carlisle. In some format, he had talked to Richard. Even if it didn’t go the way Richard had stated, she still knew Matthew did this behind her back and never told her. He should have said something. She wasn’t sure if he just didn’t trust her, but it was still a lie. Why didn’t he tell her? Why didn’t he feel the need to tell her that he had seen her ex husband and spoken to him? Mary felt tears rush to her eyes as she walked quickly to the train station, feeling the urge to throw up. Her legs were shaking as she tried to make her way through the crowd, now at least a block away from where she had seen Carlisle. She apologized as she pushed by people, her breath getting heavy even though she wasn’t really running. She stopped on the corner, her hand reaching for the wall as she began to feel a bit faint and then, it was black.


	35. Chapter 35

When the hospital called Cora, they said right away that Mary was conscious, the baby was fine and that she had simply passed out when she was in London. Matthew didn’t understand how that was simple. He wasn’t aware how passing out when pregnant was simple. When he spoke to Cora, she said that Mary had already called her to explain things herself and insisted that she was fine. She told Cora she remembered getting light headed and then passing out. Cora relayed the entire conversation to him as he paced nervously in their home. His immediately reached for his keys and told Cora he would bring Mary home. The hospital said there was no need to keep her overnight, that sometimes this can happen. In this particular case, Mary’s blood sugar had dropped and an issue with blood flow happened at the same time. It was just a side affect and Mary needed to make sure to that she ate and paid attention to when her body was feeling faint. Still, the doctor’s wanted her taking it easy and not stay on her feet for too long. She had rolled her eyes, but agreed and then Matthew took her home. He tried to talk to her, checking on her and the baby on the way, but Mary wasn’t talkative. She gave him short answers, keeping her hand protectively over her stomach. Even more protective than usual. He could tell. She had something on her mind, which he assumed was about fainting. The doctor’s said Mary was crying when she woke up with the paramedics and was probably scared. That scared him. He had been so afraid until he saw her. While she hadn’t cracked a smile, he had the update that the baby and Mary were okay. Now, as they pulled into the drive at home, he parked the car and was thrown off when Mary had opened the car door before he even had a chance to get himself out of the car to come open her door. “Mary, be careful. Let me help you in.”  
“I’m fine.” He heard her say, before she slammed the car door shut and began to walk towards the house.  
“Mary!” He called after her, jumping out and closing his card door. She stopped at the front door, only when she realized that it was locked and he would need to let her in. He pulled the cluster of keys from his pocket, placing them to the door with his other hand on her back. “Do you still want a warm bath?”  
“No.” Mary said coldly, stepping inside ahead of him as soon as the door opened, nearly closing it behind her.   
“I…Mary I assume that was quite scary. Waking up in an unfamiliar car with sirens blaring.” Matthew sighed, turning the lights on to the entryway before following Mary who was almost stomping up the stairs. “Mary. Where are you going?”   
“Home.” She groaned, storming up the steps and slamming the door open to their bedroom and walking towards the closet.   
“You are home.” He frowned, wondering if she was a bit disoriented. “Why don’t you get in bed?”  
“No.” She bit, opening the closet door and coming out with a large overnight bag.   
“Mary, what’s going on? You’re upset. Maybe I can help.” Matthew sat on the bed, watching as she moved to the dresser and began tossing some of her loungewear into the bag. “I don’t know why you’re packing your things.”  
“You don’t?” She stopped, crossing her arms over her chest. “You have no idea why I would be packing my bags? Let me guess. Is it because you think that I am so stupid, that you never thought I would figure it out?”  
“Figure what out?” He frowned, reaching for the stack of clothes in her hands. “Mary. What has happened?”  
“I am going to ask you something and don’t lie to me. You owe me the decency of being honest.”  
“I would never lie to you.” Matthew’s heart began to pound, realizing that she was very clearly upset with him over something that she found to be very serious. Even if it was nothing, he loved her enough to try and understand her. “Not ever.”  
“Did you see Carlisle when you were in London?” She asked, leaning back against the dresser. Matthew froze and realized that she knew. He wasn’t going to lie to her. He found himself wondering how she knew and kicking himself for being presented with this moment. “You did.”  
“I did.” He admitted, standing up from the bed. “Mary.”  
“Liar.” She shook her head and her eyes welled up with tears. “Not ever? You wouldn’t lie to me? What do you call this? It took me running into him in Piccadilly and him telling me about your meeting. About how he asked you to send me to him and about how he told you he didn’t want his child. What else did he talk to you about? You spoke with Carlisle about me and didn’t even tell me? So then, I am left there off guard and looking like an idiot when I bump into him?”  
“It wasn’t quite like that.” Matthew defended, his hands moving up as he tried to approach her. “It wasn’t like that at all.”  
“Did you talk to him?” She asked.  
“No.” Matthew stated. Trying to replay his conversation with Carlisle so that he could just come clean to her.   
“So, he invented your conversation? You didn’t talk to him? He just thought to slide that in there to throw me for a loop?” Mary quizzed, almost sarcastically. “It never happened?”  
“Mary?”  
“What Matthew?” Mary snapped, walking into the closet and over to her makeup vanity as Matthew stood up to follow her. “Did he lie that you guys spoke? That you invited him to talk? “he sat   
“We spoke, but I didn’t think that it was relevant. I didn’t ask him. He saw me in a restaurant and sat down. I didn’t ask him. You have to believe me.”  
“You lied to me.”   
“I should have told you, but you were trying to recover and all I had on my mind was making sure that you were able to do that in peace.” Matthew argued, knowing now that he never intended to hurt her. “At the time, you weren’t ready to hear anything like that. I was protecting you.”  
“Who are you to determine what I can and can’t hear? Or what I’m ready to hear? If I wanted that I would have stayed with Richard.” Mary shouted with tears streaming down her face, rushing out of the closet with just some of her makeup. He knew in this moment; he had messed up. He should have told her and he needed her to listen.   
“Now just a second. That isn’t fair.” Matthew shook his head, almost angry to hear her talk like that. He reached for the makeup in her arm, causing it to fall on the ground as Mary burst into tears. “Mary.”  
“Stop it! I don’t want you to stop me.” Mary screamed, kneeling down to the floor to pick up her things. Matthew leaned down too, helping her clean it up. “You lied to me, because you didn’t trust me to care for myself.”  
“You haven’t had the best record of that.” Matthew snapped, trying to find the words. Except now he was mad too. Mad at himself, mad at Richard and apparently taking it out on the woman he loved. “I didn’t mean that.”  
“What is that supposed to mean?” She cried.  
“Mary, nothing.” Matthew stood, moving to sit on the bed. “It’s late. We’re tired.”  
“No!” She shouted, slamming her stuff onto the bed. “You said I didn’t have the best record of taking care of myself. You believe that I couldn’t have handled the Richard situation? That you were my night in shining armor?”   
“It was a bad situation.” Matthew couldn’t believe this. He ran his hand through his hair, wondering where the conversation had taken such a turn. Why couldn’t he have just come clean and apologized? “It wasn’t your fault, but you needed help.”  
“Of course.” Meredith rolled her eyes through her tears, her voice becoming louder and louder. “And you just thrived on the opportunity to pull me out.”  
“It wasn’t like you were going to do it!” Matthew shouted, realizing he had raised his own voice to match hers, but he too was so upset at this point. “And you nearly died Mary! You and the baby nearly died so yes; I was pleased to get you out of that hell!”  
“We’re done.” She said coldly. “We’re over.”  
“What?” Matthew frowned, standing up quickly from the bed.   
“You lied to me. I don’t need this.” Mary wiped at her eyes and Matthew knew right now she was emotional. He had read about pregnancy emotions, but never about what to do when he’d fucked up so big that he had lost control of the situation. “We’re done. I’m moving home.”  
“Mary, no.” Matthew stepped forward. “I’ll go. I’ll sleep in the room down the hall, but your things and the baby’s things are here.”  
“She’s not coming tonight.” Mary argued, before she began to sob again, shaking her head furiously. “She won’t need any of her things tonight.”  
“She?” Matthew looked up at Mary, who had eyes that were swollen and wet. “Mary…”  
“It’s a girl. I found out this morning at my first appointment. I was going to tell you tonight.” Mary shrugged, sitting down on the bed and crying into her hands. Matthew stood across from her for a moment, digesting the words that their baby was a little girl before Mary lifted her head.   
“That’s….” Matthew breathed, the defeat reaching his body.   
“Don’t celebrate it.” Mary cried, shaking her head no. “You don’t get to celebrate right now. You lied to me. You put everything on the line when you lied to me about Carlisle.”  
“Mary…” Matthew wasn’t sure what to do or how to fix this. He had a feeling this wasn’t getting settled tonight, but the one thing he couldn’t do was let her leave. He wasn’t going to let this end this way. “Look, l meant what I said when I said we were tired and it’s late. Just don’t leave. I will sleep down the hall, you sleep in here and we can talk tomorrow. Just don’t move out. Don’t let him win this.”  
“Let him win?” She bit her lip, almost laughing through her tears. “Because he still has control. At least that’s what you think.”  
“I don’t want to fight tonight. Not anymore. I promise we’ll talk tomorrow.” Matthew pleaded, disgusted with himself and angry with her. He was angry that he snapped at her, that he lied and he wasn’t even sure why he was angry with her. Maybe it was that she had been angry with him. He didn’t know, but they couldn’t do this right now. She was crying and trying to break up with him and he wasn’t fixing anything. He wanted this fixed, but he didn’t know where to start. He never should have yelled at her. It was a mess. A huge mess. So, before she could threaten to leave again, Matthew stood up and left the room, stopping outside the door to listen to her cry inside the bedroom. He should have said something else. He should have begged her to stay, but he was frozen. His mind had locked up, so tonight he would sleep in a different bed and try to figure out how he was going to sort this mess out in the morning.


	36. Chapter 36

Mary’s eyes opened and she looked over at the clock that had only changed a few hours since Matthew left the room. Her things were still on the bed, the light was still on except now her eyes were pounding and the little baby girl in her stomach was kicking away. Kicking as if to get her to get out of bed and do something to make this better. She shifted, looking down at her stomach and remembering her fight with Matthew. Her body fell back against the pillows as she began to cry again. She was uncomfortable, angry and she missed him. She hated that. She hated that he was just down the hall and she missed him despite how angry she was. It probably wouldn’t be a big deal, if she hadn’t felt this pain before. She knew what it was like to be so angry with him and want him next to her at the same time. Except today, she learned that he had messed up. She tried to tell herself that this wasn’t a big deal, except it was and then he had shouted at her. She wasn’t sure why; except she had already been yelling at him. It was a mess. She kept trying to think to herself about how it could have been a calm conversation and then it just blew up. What happened when people had an argument that resembled a small flame that turned into a massive fire. Mary sat up, she had to do something. She couldn’t just sit here like this. Her back was hurting, her stomach felt sick and she was exhausted. She sat up, immediately thinking that the first thing she needed to do was get out of the outfit she had worn to London. Sleeping in a dressier outfit wasn’t comfortable. Mary took her dress off, not bothering to hang it, but instead place it on the chair by the window before walking over to her dresser to find a nightgown. She picked out a white one that she had ordered months ago for when thought she might want something with more room. Tonight, she wanted it, because her mind felt cramped. As she put the cool fabric on, she walked to the closet for a pair of slippers from her bottom shelf. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but she needed to be comfortable. It wasn’t until she closed the drawer to the dresser that she heard a knock at the door.   
“Mary?” Matthew’s voice came from outside in the hallway, she could hear his voice and a part of her wanted him to leave her alone, but then another part of her knew that her only chance at calming down was if he was with her. He had that kind of power. “Mary, please let me in.”  
“It isn’t locked.” She said, her voice quiet as she dropped her arms to her side as she watched the door slowly open. He stepped in, his eyes wide and tired as shifted on her feet. “What are you doing?”  
“Mary, I can’t sleep without you.” He admitted, as if he was a gambler putting all his cards out on the table. He raised his hand, holding up the white elephant they had so lovingly named Elliot “We have a problem. I messed up. I know that.”  
“You did.” Mary confirmed, moving to sit on the chair next to the window.   
“I can’t sleep without you.” He said again. This time she looked up. His eyes looked sad, as if he had taken his own heart out and broken it into pieces. "And I don’t want to know what it’s like to have to again, so can we just work this out?”  
“I’m tired.” Mary’s felt her voice go cold.   
“And have you slept at all?” He asked, leaning against the dresser.   
“Yes, I was sleeping fine until ten minutes ago when I woke up to change into something more comfortable.” Mary said, holding her head up even though she knew he was lying.   
“Mary…” Matthew stepped forward, still on the other side of the room. He looked sick, exhausted and she wanted to run her hands through his hair and fall asleep with him.   
“Fine.” She sighed, looking down at her hands. “I’ve been awake.”  
“I know” Matthew replied, pacing in front of her. “God Mary. We can’t mess this up. I can’t mess this up. I don’t want this to end and I won’t let Richard be the reason that we don’t work.”  
“Don’t you see? Richard isn’t the reason this went wrong. You lied to me.” Mary wiped at her eyes.   
“I know.” He admitted, moving to sit on the floor in front of her. “But when he saw you, he knew what he was doing. I should have told you, but by him telling you and us fighting over it, he has the power.”  
“No, he doesn’t.”  
“Yes, he does, Mary.” Matthew insisted, reaching for her hand. “Look, nothing replaces that I should have told you and I’m sorry. I made a mistake and you had every right to be upset.”  
“I know I do.” She almost snapped, before lowering her voice and looking down at their hands.   
“His past actions, have too much power over us. It’s left you with a lack of trust and ability to believe in us and it’s left me constantly feeling like I have to walk on eggshells.” Matthew explained and she knew he was right. “I constantly worry about losing you, but you know what? That isn’t just Carlisle. That is my fault too. I let you walk away and I regret that every day of my life, so I work as hard as I can to make sure I never lose you again. Because of Carlisle, I was afraid to tell you and I should have been honest. A part of me worried that telling you, was a way to risk losing you.”  
“You should have trusted me.” Mary knew she wouldn’t have gone to see Carlisle, at least she didn’t think she would. The moment she had escaped that hell, she hadn’t argued about leaving. Once her family, Anna and Matthew were with her, she wasn’t afraid to leave. “I’m happy in my life with you.”  
“I should have and I’m my happiest with you, Mary.” Matthew replied, moving to his knees. Mary looked at his eyes, noticing the redness around them, that they were a bit wet. “I promised myself after he nearly killed you, that I would spend the rest of my life working to make sure you were the happiest woman on the planet. That I wouldn’t spend a night away from you if I didn’t have to and I meant it. I love you.”  
“I know.” She did. She knew he worked so hard to make her happy and sometimes she worried she didn’t return the favor enough. “I love you too and I want you to be happy. Sometimes, I just feel like a shoe is going to drop. What if this was the shoe?”  
“If this is the shoe, we can get through it.” Matthew smiled weakly, before wiping at his own eyes.   
“We can?”  
“Yes.” Matthew smiled, squeezing her hand, his thumb lingering to stroke her hand. “But we can’t leave when things get hard. We can’t pack our things or go to different rooms. We have to fight. I didn’t fight for you once and I lost you. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that we have to fight.”  
“I came back.” She whispered, squeezing his hand back. “Well, with help.”  
“You still came back to me.” Matthew leaned forward, kissing her hand. She couldn’t help as a hiccup from crying turned into a yawn. “Why don’t we get in bed? We can lay there and talk.”  
“Okay.” She breathed, as he got up before taking her hand and helping her up. She instinctively leaned into him, his arms barely fitting around her with her stomach between them. In a few more weeks, he probably wouldn’t be able to fit his arms around.   
“I love you so much.” He whispered, kissing the top of her head before leading her to the bed, pushing the covers back and tossing her clothes onto the dresser with the promise to pick them up in the morning. She wasn’t worried about that; she would put them away properly when the sun was out and she had slept. She looked back to the floor, moving to pick up the stuffed elephant that Matthew had sat down. “Can’t forget about the elephant.”  
“Elliot.” Mary breathed, still facing sudden breaths from her tears.   
“When I couldn’t sleep, I sat in the baby’s room for a while.” Matthew replied, as they both crawled into the bed and under the covers. When she laid back, he pulled up alongside her and she moved to rest her head on his arm. “Mary…”  
“Yeah?” She whispered as he wiped her tears.   
“I was thinking about the baby.” He whispered, his voice shaking a bit. She could tell he was almost nervous. “We’ve been through so much, but this baby is one of the most important people in the world to me. I love this baby.”  
“It’s a girl.” Mary said, even though she knew he already was aware of that.   
“And I want her to be my baby girl too.” Matthew pressed a kiss against her cheek, before moving his hand to her stomach. “Mary…I want to adopt her as my own.”  
“What?” Mary looked up, her heart stopping in her chest as he pressed his lips into her and pulled away.   
“I want to adopt her.” Matthew said proudly, his hand firmly on her stomach. “I want to be her father, who she runs to when she’s upset or picks her up when she’s about to get into something she shouldn’t the moment she begins to become mobile.”  
“Matthew.” Mary breathed, her heart taking over as she pressed her lips into his. She wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do other than she began to cry again and kiss him. She pulled away, her fingers moving over his lips. “I…you want to be our family.”  
“I do.” Matthew smiled, before stroking her hair. “There is a lot that comes before it, but I want to be the only person she ever knows as her father and I want to be your partner. I’ll ask the important questions later, take the important steps. I just want you to know my intentions. To make a real family with you.”  
“Okay…”  
“It’s late or early. Depending on how you look at it.” Matthew whispered, his fingers moving her hair out of the way as he looked up at the clock. “Mary, you’ve had a rough day. Regardless of what we decide, what I ask you soon...I want you to rest. The doctor said you need to rest and after a rough day, you haven’t slept a wink. I haven’t either, but you and little lady need rest. We can talk in the morning.”  
“Alright.” Mary whispered, feeling at ease again with him. Her body was more relaxed, her tears had subsided. She didn’t want to fight anymore and she knew he had a point. They shouldn’t leave when things get tough. “I won’t leave again…or try.”  
“I won’t either. No more going to bed angry.” Matthew locked his fingers in hers, kissing her hand. “Fight it out. No more bailing.”  
“No bailing.” She whispered and smiled as he pulled her even closer. She was exhausted and she knew she was emotional. She was still trying to catch her breath from crying so much. He had a great point though. They had nearly lost each other before; they couldn’t let this happen again. Richard had wanted that and his impact stretched far more than what had occurred today or the day Matthew spoke to him. Even their past actions affected them, but Mary could see now that it was up to them to make this work. While she was hurt by Matthew talking to him, she understood why he lied now. Why he wanted to protect her. Still, that wasn’t an excuse to give up on each other. They needed this to work. They loved each other too much and it was clear now, they both loved this little baby girl more than anything. So tonight, she would sleep, resting for both her and her baby and then in the morning she and Matthew could work to continue to build faith in each other.


	37. Chapter 37

It had been a week since Matthew expressed interest in wanting to adopt Mary’s little girl, but truthfully, he had thought of the idea when he first learned she was pregnant. When Robert had first uttered the words that Mary was pregnant, he knew in his heart that he wasn’t just going to protect her, but that small baby too. Richard Carlisle was never going to be a father. He didn’t deserve to be a father to this baby. Still, this baby deserved a real father and truthfully, Matthew was already attached to her. He had watched Mary’s body change every step of the way, reading and learning everything about pregnancy and how a baby develops. He had thrown himself into Mary’s pregnancy and fallen more in love with her each and every day. In his mind, this baby was his. DNA no longer had anything to do with it. This little girl and her mother consumed his every thought, impacting every decision he made. Every choice that his mother contacted him with the house, was a made with their interest in mind. When his mother contacted him about the blinds, he did his research. There were no strings that would be hanging from the window treatments, because they were a choking hazard. Today, he was working from home, because his mother wanted to come discuss some of the back-yard landscaping and he didn’t want Mary doing too much. She had been light headed again this morning, so instead of seeing if someone could check in on her, he told her to stay in bed and he would make his way upstairs when he could. His mother was due to be over soon and he had just cut up a bunch of fruit which was Mary’s first major craving. He put a little bit of whipped cream in a dish on the side of the plate with a glass of water before carrying the tray upstairs. She was probably sleeping, but he would wake her. She wouldn’t want to sleep through a fresh plate of fruit. It was the first thing she wanted when she opened her eyes and the last thing she wanted before closing them. He pushed the door open to find her sitting up in the bed with a book in hand. “Hey you.”  
“Hey.” She looked up, closing her book and sitting it down by her side. He smiled, seeing her up in the bed. Very light makeup on her face as she straightened up in the bed. He sat the tray down on her lap, leaning forward and pressing a light kiss on her lips. “Hmm…what did I do to deserve this?”  
“Nothing, you’re just you.” He teased, sitting down on the side of the bed, picking up a grape and popping it into his mouth. “And of course, you need to eat.”  
“I was craving this.” Mary replied, picking up a fork. “I can’t stop thinking about fruit. All day. Even after eating it. Oh, and chocolate.”  
“I knew you liked chocolate, but you haven’t asked for that yet.” Matthew replied. “I’ll bring some up later.”  
“I heard about cravings, but I didn’t realize they could be so strong. Apples, grapes…all of it. Whipped cream is so good too.” Mary closed her eyes as she ate a piece of banana. “Every time. I swear. I can’t get enough.”  
“You’re insatiable.” Matthew laughed, dipping a strawberry piece in whipped cream before feeding it to her. “Well, when it comes to your love of fruit lately.”  
“Don’t be vulgar Matthew.” She teased, before licking around his finger. “Unless we have more time of course.”  
“Tease.” He winked, leaning forward and kissing her again, a little bit deeper this time. His hand moved to her hair, pulling away and licking his lips. “Sweet.”  
“Hmm.” She giggled, before taking a sip of the water. “So, what are you working on with your mother again today?”  
“We’re going to look at updating some of the landscaping and she wants to get an idea about what we should do with the stone patio.” Matthew replied, reaching for some home décor magazines on the night stand and sitting them next to her book. “Any requests or thoughts?”  
“I wouldn’t mind somewhere to sit in the shade.” Mary sighed. “With the baby. For when the weather is nice.”  
“I think that’s a great idea.” Matthew agreed, before there was a knock at the door. He stood up, pressing a kiss against her cheek. “When you’re done, just slide the tray to your side. I’ll be back to get it.”  
“Alright.” She smiled. “Tell Isobel I said hello.”   
“I will.” Matthew winked as he walked to the door. It was likely is mother would sneak upstairs at some point, but for now he would leave her there and allow her to rest. She was doing amazing. For the first time during the entire pregnancy, Mary was constantly asking for food. It had all started during the last week and it was a relief. When Matthew got to the bottom of the steps, he opened the door to see Isobel standing there. “Mother…”  
“Matthew.” She handed him a heavy tote and stepped into the home, immediately taking her coat off.  
“What is in here?” Matthew’s arm dropped. “It’s heavy.”  
“I went to the bookstore; I found a whole section on landscaping.” Isobel replied proudly, reaching into the bag and pulling out a hardcover book. “This one is all about turn of the century English countryside homes.”  
“Did you buy the whole section?” Matthew laughed, as he followed her into the dining room where she sat her purse down. He emptied out the bag, placing the books out on the table. He reached for one about stone. “You do realize this isn’t a grand palace, right?”  
“Yes, but it’s your home.” Isobel sat down, reaching for her phone and shaking her head. “Can you figure out how to turn the sound on this up? I can’t hear it when its upstairs and I’m in the study at home.”  
“Or you could just bring it with you.” Matthew laughed, turning the volume up and sliding it back to her.   
“When my landline phones ring, the sound fills up the house.” Isobel rolled her eyes, reaching for a notepad. “The cell phone doesn’t. You kids are always so sure your technology is so good.”  
“Yeah, alright.” Matthew shook his head, trying not to tease his mother.   
“How is Mary doing? I will go up and see her later.” Isobel inquired, searching her purse. “I figured I would come over one day soon to meet with her about the nursery. So, we can decide how to make it fit for a little girl.”  
“Mom, I know Mary has already expressed how much she can’t wait to work with you about the nursery.” Matthew replied, expressing how grateful they were. “But we want to make sure that you don’t feel we’ve taken advantage. Only help if you want to. Mary was worried you’ve pushed yourself.”  
“Matthew…” Isobel sighed, taking his hand. “You have no idea how much joy this has brought me. Getting you and Mary ready for your family to expand. We spent so long with it being just the two of us after your father died, but now there is going to be a little one running around and you know I love and adore Mary.”  
“I know you do.” Matthew smiled. “I do too.”  
“I know you do.” Isobel smiled, squeezing his hand. He shifted in his seat, running his hand over his mouth as he debated talking to his mother. “What is it?”  
“Mother, I want to tell you something.”  
“Not bad I hope.”  
“Not bad at all.” Matthew smiled, before taking a deep breath. He wanted to tell her, but that didn’t stop his voice from shaking a bit. “I am going to adopt the baby. I will be her legal father. I’ve already spoken about the steps to a social worker and while the ink won’t be dry until after she’s born, my name can immediately be added to the birth certificate. We just want to make sure that everything is legal.”  
“Oh, that’s great Matthew.” Isobel’s eyes watered, squeezing his hand even harder. “It shouldn’t be that difficult, with Carlisle already surrendering his rights.”  
“That’s correct.” Matthew breathed, nervously running his hand through his hair. “I want to propose to Mary. Make everything legal within the next year.”  
“So, you can be true family.” Isobel grinned, pulling her hands away. “And Mary?”  
“She seemed a bit surprised, but happy. I think she’s been afraid that I won’t stay. I explained to her that she and this baby are my world.” Matthew explained. “Richard did a number on her, but I think she realizes now that I’m here and committed.”  
“Well, he did perform a number on her. I noticed a lack of confidence due to him.” Isobel’s eyes went sad, shaking her head. “She used to be the most confident woman on the planet, now she’s slowly coming back to all of us. Cora and Violet are feeling better about her.”  
“Good.” Matthew nodded. “And now we’re making her home perfect.”  
“For your family.” Isobel smiled, opening a notebook. “Has Mary said anything about the landscaping?”  
“Just that she wanted somewhere to sit on the patio with the baby.” Matthew smiled. “I was thinking a porch swing.”  
“I’m sure Cora and I won’t mind a porch swing to rock with the baby when we come over.” Isobel’s smile widened, clasping her hands together. “You do realize that when you guys aren’t around, Cora and I will want to be the ones to watch her. We’ve already had several conversations about watching the baby.”  
“You would babysit?” Matthew asked.   
“Of course!” Isobel sounded surprised that he would even ask. He was surprised, but also thought about it for a moment and realized that it was what Grandparents did. Cora and Isobel loved them and loved the baby that was coming. It was a realization that this is what family did, no matter how grand. Love made true family. “And don’t think for a minute that you’re off the hook for diapers.”  
“Well, I didn’t think she’d change herself.” Matthew teased as Isobel slapped his arm and stood up. He watched as she smoothed out her skirt. “Where are you going?”  
“I want to go see Mary before we get too far deep into planning outside. She might fall asleep and I want to ask her about colors.” Isobel stood, walking towards the hallway. “Does she need something to eat? I’ll make her some soup or a sandwich.”  
“I took her some fruit before you got here. She’s got an appetite, but I doubt she’ll want more of anything for now.” Matthew replied, reaching for one of the landscaping books.   
“I’ll make her some pasta first.” Isobel replied, walking out of site as Matthew laughed. Matthew knew his mother to be one of the most open minded and kind souls. She was also a nurse, which meant her greatest passion was to take care of others. Mary might not be hungry, but she was getting a bowl of pasta. He knew that much. He also knew that their child was going to be the luckiest little girl in the world. She was going to have amazing parents and amazing family who wanted the very best for her. It was all they could ask for. Truly. The baby would come home to a beautiful home, be surrounded with love and one day, they would add more children. How many? He had no idea, but he and Mary would have to keep working on their relationship before those things happened. He knew that. He was just thankful they had a support system of people who wanted them to be just as happy as they wanted to be.


	38. Chapter 38

Pregnancy had its moments. If someone had told Mary that she would have days where she just simply enjoyed it, she would have told them they were crazy and sent them on their way to someone else who was more gullible. Except today, she loved being pregnant. Her appetite was strong, her boobs looked amazing and she couldn’t stop being affectionate towards Matthew. In return, Matthew couldn’t keep his hands off of her. She still had a few months of pregnancy left and from what she read; it was going to get harder. Today, that wasn’t the case. Today, she was sitting in the rocking chair of the nursery as Matthew insisted on putting up the floral wall décor himself. As he worked on adding the flowers to the blue wall, Mary rocked slowly and reviewed a book of baby names. She really didn’t know what name she liked. Two days ago, she swore she wanted to name her baby Nora or Hailey. She finally convinced Matthew to consider Hailey, but by the time they talked about the middle name she had moved on. It wasn’t the right name. It was beautiful, but it just wasn’t the right name. She had a feeling the name she and Matthew chose would be more classic and elegant. Matthew had stepped out to grab a beer as she turned the page in her book. Abigail. It meant joy of the father and to be honest, it would have probably been a bit fitting when it came to Matthew. Still, it wasn’t the right name. Ada. Adalynn. Addie. Adelaide. They were pretty names, but she still didn’t have anything sticking out to her. When Matthew walked into the room, she looked up and smiled. “Agnes.”  
“No.” Matthew said almost as quickly as she suggested it, sitting his beer on the changing table. “That’s not her name.”  
“Right?” Mary groaned, rocking in the chair. “I feel like her name should just stick out once we see it. This has to be the third book. My baby is just going to be known as ‘baby’ and she’s just going to have to like it.”  
“She’ll have a name.” Matthew walked over, his hands moving to the arms of the chair, before giving her a kiss. “And when we discover what it is, we’ll never want to stop saying it.”  
“Ainsley.” Mary whispered against his lips.   
“No.” He kissed her again, his lips lingering against hers. “Not the name.”  
“You taste like beer.” She giggled, biting at his lip. She pulled away, her hands moving to the collar of his shirt. “Not like me anymore.”  
“Dirty girl.” Matthew teased, removing his hands from the chair and standing back. “You are too much today.”  
“I am a bit risqué today.” Mary laughed as he walked back to the changing table, reaching for some of the wall decals. “Where are you putting the first one?”  
“Well this one looks like it’s meant to be a corner piece.” Matthew put his hands on his waist, standing back. “What about the corner by the closet.”  
“It’s up to you as long as you choose to put it in the corner by the crib.” She smiled, rocking slowly back and forth.   
“You’re also feisty today.” Matthew chuckled, walking back over to her and picking up the book from her lap. He looked down at the page she examined, then back up at her. “Alexandra? Aliana?”  
“No.” She sighed, taking the book back. “I wanted to get her name printed on something, but I’ll just have them print ‘Baby’ and be done with it.”  
“She doesn’t need to have a name until she’s here.” Matthew rolled his eyes, taking the book from her lap and sitting it on the side table. “Alma?”  
“Not the right fit.” She replied as he reached for her hand, pulling her up from the chair. Matthew moved his hands to her hair, his thumb stroking her cheek. “God….”  
“What?” She whispered, her hands moving to his shoulders.   
“You’re so beautiful.” Matthew shook his head, before pressing a kiss to her lips again. “You are really the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”  
“You’re too nice to me, Matthew.” Mary couldn’t stop smiling, before pulling away and walking to the changing table with the wall decals. “Focus. I don’t want to risk her coming early. Her nursery needs to be done like we spoke about.”  
“She’s not at risk to come early. She’s perfectly healthy.” Matthew replied, knowing the doctor told them both that things were going very well. The doctor had just advised that if something felt wrong or felt like too much, she needed to ease up or give her a call. Everything was fine. She knew that deep down. “But her nursery will be done.”  
“Okay, so this one can go up near the crib.” Mary turned around, picking up a piece of the wall decal. “Corner.”  
“Yes, darling.” Matthew smirked, smacking her bottom as she walked over to the side of the room with the crib.   
Mary took the decal, holding it out in front of her as she tried to envision the decal in the corner of the room. She closed one eye, trying to get a good idea of what it would look like. She nodded as she felt him step close behind her, his hand moving to her back. “Matthew.”  
“I’ll put it on the wall.” Matthew promised, taking it from her hand and tossing it into the bare crib. He then moved his hand under the back of her shirt, sliding his cool hand along her skin. “In a few.”  
“Why in a few?” She breathed, feeling his other hand move down to her bottom and push at her waist line. “Matthew, not in the nursery again.”  
“I’ll be quick.” Matthew chuckled, moving her hair to her side. “In and out.”  
“No…” She giggled tiredly, turning around and her hands ran through his hair before she slammed her lips into his. “Bedroom…or shower again.”  
“Not the shower again.” Matthew shook his head, pushing her lightly against the crib, his lips moving to her neck. “You almost slipped.”  
“You caught me…” Her head fell back as he slid his hand down the front of her pants. “Oh…”   
“Not risking it again.” He whispered, his hands moving to the top of her leggings.   
“Matthew…bed...or somewhere other than the baby’s room.” Mary demanded breathlessly, pushing on his chest. When he pulled away, Mary bit her lip. “We’ve done it too many times in here already. I refuse to tarnish the innocence of my daughter’s bedroom now that it’s becoming more…personalized. Not in here. Not yet.”  
“Alright.” Matthew pouted, reaching for her hands and pulling her towards him. “Come on…”  
“Wait.” Mary moved a finger over his lips, shaking her head. She wanted him, but she had already had him today and she would make sure they had each other later. Right now, she wanted to get to work on this nursery. She wanted to take the things they had and get them in order and then plan for the rest. His mother was coming over in the morning to nail down the rest of the décor and then they would get the rest of it in place. “But first…”  
“Really?” His shoulders dropped as if he already read her mind. She let out a little giggle, kissed his lips and stepped back. “But we were doing good…”  
“Let’s put the decal’s up and then we can spend the rest of the night…naked.” Mary promised, reaching into the crib and grabbing the piece that they were working with. She handed it to him, before walking back over to the chair and dropping herself into it. Matthew walked dramatically around the room, making pouty faces at her as she giggled and reached for the book of baby names. “Poor Matthew.”  
“Yes.” Matthew rolled his eyes and pulled the step louder out so that he could put the decal in place. Mary laughed, looking down at the book and resuming her search of the names. Allison. No. Alodie. No. Alyssa. It wasn’t right. “Olivia.”  
“What?” Mary looked up, only half listening.   
“Olivia.” Matthew stepped up before looking back at her. “It was one I saw the other day on the train when I was looking up names. I wasn’t going to mention it, because I figured you already saw it in a book.”  
“I have but…Olivia.” Mary said softly, her hand moving to her stomach. “Olivia.”  
“I just thought it was pretty.” Matthew shrugged. “Call her Liv or Livvie. We could even call her Ollie.”  
“I like it.” She whispered with a light smile appearing on her lips. Matthew carefully resumed his work on the nursery wall decal. Olivia. Olivia. Olivia. Livvie. Liv. Olivia. Mary kept repeating the name in her head, loving the way it rolled off the tongue. Olivia. It felt so natural. She had seen it plenty of times when looking up names, but when Matthew said it, it made it stick out. Maybe it was due to the idea that she wanted something they both loved. She wasn’t sure that this was the name. Maybe he was just suggesting this gentle name and he wasn’t even that set on it. Perhaps he saw it, figured he would mention it to read her response before carefully considering it himself. Except as she repeated the name in her head, she kept stroking her stomach and it seemed like the little girl in her stomach knew that this was her name, because she was doing little flips. This little girl seemed to fit the name that Matthew suggested and her response was sweet.


	39. Chapter 39

Dinner at Downton had been delicious. Something with chicken and roasted vegetables, had been so great that Matthew made a trip downstairs to let the staff know how good it was. Not only did he finish his plate, but so did Mary. Now, they were sitting in one of the grand rooms and Mary was in the corner playing cards her mother and Edith. Tom and Robert were sitting across from him, enjoying a cup of scotch. Matthew couldn’t help but look over at Mary from time to time. She had been doing amazing. Her appetite for food and intimacy was in full force. He wasn’t going to deny that he loved it. She was insatiable and he could admit hat he was going to soak up every moment of it. Still, he worried about her sometimes. Tonight, once they got dressed for the second time for dinner, she kept rubbing her stomach and saying she felt like the skin was really tight and that her back was aching a bit. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and reminded her that her stomach was constantly growing and that might be why. Still, he wanted to keep an eye on her. Dr. Morrison assured them that things were looking great, but tonight was the first time Mary complained of any pain. He was going to have her take it easy for tonight and see how she felt in the morning. She was pushing herself too hard the last week between planning the nursery and other activities. He watched her as she held her cards close, laughing as her mother said something. She seemed to be feeling better, but she was definitely tired. He could see it in her eyes. They wouldn’t stay too late. He would make sure. He looked back to Robert and Tom who were chuckling, Tom laughing so hard he was clutching his side. “Tom, if you’re not careful one might think you’re a bit drunk.”  
“Oh, I know.” Tom laughed.   
“Matthew, if you had been listening to the story Tom had to tell about Mr. Watterson in town, you would be laughing too.” Robert couldn’t stop laughing too, sitting his glass of scotch on the table between them. He then looked back at the women playing cards, letting out a deep sigh as his smile faded from his face. “She gave us such a fright. I’ll never stop worrying about her.”

“It’s hard not to.” Matthew admitted as Robert and Tom both looked back at him. “I see more of the old Mary now, but I still find myself watching her sleep or worrying when she gets too quiet.”  
“Cora said the same thing.” Tom nodded, shifting in his dinner jacket. “But she said that the therapist is doing great work with Mary. I even noticed she was very quick on her feet when Edith asked if ordering some extra baby carrier was necessary.”  
“I told Edith we would do anything it took to put Mary’s mind at ease.” Robert responded, shaking his head. “Her anxiety is high and we still have a few months left before the baby is here. I personally will spare no expense, so if you need anything Matthew, let me know.”  
“I think we’re alright.” Matthew nodded, reaching for his phone and holding it out to show something to Tom and Robert. “This is called an Owlet. It’s a sock that monitor’s the baby’s heart rate and oxygen level. At first, I thought it was a bit excessive, but it puts her mind at ease and the reviews are great. It can help report to us if for some reason the baby stops breathing in her sleep.”  
“It’s not a bad idea.” Tom shrugged, taking the phone. “It’s a piece of mind for the both of you and it will help Mary sleep at night.”  
“When the baby actually lets her sleep.” Robert pointed out, reaching for his scotch again. “If you think she’s tired now. Just wait.”  
“Didn’t you guys have a nanny for the girls?” Matthew laughed.   
“Yes, and Cora got up with them.” Robert sipped, his shoulder’s perking up as he spoke. “That’s the perk of being the father. You don’t have to get up every hour.”  
“I was planning on getting up with Mary.” Matthew said proudly, as Tom handed him the telephone back. “We won’t have a Nanny, at least not right away unless Mary needs help once I go back to work. I imagine she doesn’t need one. We’ll hire someone on an as needed basis.”  
“Oh, how times have changed.” Robert chuckled.   
“Have you ever changed a diaper?” Tom looked at Robert, before letting out a light chuckle.   
“God, no.” Robert shook his head, shaking his head at his drink. “Neither did my father. Times have changed, men do so much more these days. I know who wouldn’t have changed a diaper. That ass Richard Carlisle.”  
“I’m surprised to hear his name spoken in this house.” Matthew frowned.   
“It gives me a sour case to do so.” Robert grimaced. “And I wanted to go after him for violating our agreement after Mary told Cora she ran into him. Cora said Mary begged us to leave it be, to not have us have to interact with him at all.”  
“I hate to say it, but leaving it alone is probably for the best.” Matthew sighed, twirling his drink in his hand. “She doesn’t need any way for him to think she fears him. She deserves to relax. To enjoy these last few months in peace.”  
“She deserves to live the rest of her life free of that man.” Tom replied.   
“And that we will make sure of. One more misstep and we’ll have Murray figure out what the next step is.” Robert assured them, holding his glass up. “It was written that if he saw Mary, bumped into her for any reason, he was to immediately depart the area. If she sought him out, that would be one thing, but she didn’t. He knew better.”  
“Ass.” Tom shook his head. “It’s like he wanted to see her, to see his trophy of the work he did. He fails to realize she’s thriving.”  
“And she’s finally happy.” Robert smiled softly at Tom as the ladies finished their card game and made their way towards the man talking.   
“Well, Mary won.” Edith sighed, sitting on the edge of Tom’s chair. “No mercy.”  
“Showing mercy has never been my strength.” Mary gigged, moving to sit next to Matthew, rubbing her hands around her belly.   
“Mary, you’re exhausted.” Cora moved her hand to her daughter’s head, leaning down and kissing the top of her head before moving back to sit with Robert. “I hope you don’t stay too late just to entertain us.”  
“I was actually going to suggest leaving.” Mary said confidently, her hand moving to Matthew’s back. He looked up her as she let out a tired sigh. “I’m ready to get my makeup off and turn in for the evening.”  
“We can do that.” He smiled, standing up from the couch with everyone else, turning back to hold Mary’s small hand as she pushed herself up. “I have to work in the morning anyways. Early meeting.”  
“And I imagine Mary keeps you busy at home.” Edith laughed, rolling her eyes. “Have a good night you two.”  
“Goodnight.” Matthew nodded, as Edith kissed her mother’s cheek and left the room. He looked back at Mary, giving her hand a light squeeze. “Thankfully Carson let us keep the car right up front. Said we didn’t need to wait for anything once Mary was ready to go.”  
“Oh Carson.” Mary let out a light and tired giggle. “He would never try to inconvenience me.”   
“You’re an angel to Carson.” Robert laughed, leaning forward to kiss his daughter’s cheek before the group walked into the entryway of the home. “I doubt he’d stop at anything to make you comfortable.”  
“And we’re lucky to have him.” Cora said softly, as one of the workers of the home opened the front door and the group walked out. “Drive safely.”  
“It’s just up the road.” Matthew laughed, approaching the car to open Mary’s side. “Thank you for dinner.”  
“We’re glad to have you.” Cora said cheerfully, kissing Mary’s cheek. “You’re close enough you know you don’t have to ask.”  
“I know.” Mary smiled, before hugging her father. “Goodnight.”  
“Goodnight.” Robert smiled, as Mary slid into the car. “Cora and I will come by later this week. Cora wants to come sees the nursery.”  
“We look forward to it” Matthew replied, before walking around to the other side of the car and sliding into the driver’s seat. Cora hadn’t seen the nursery in a week and had turned to helping his mother and Mary add the feminine additions. He put the keys in the ignition as Mary waived goodbye to her family, before looking forward. “How are you feeling?”  
“Exhausted.” Mary sighed, her head falling back against the headrest. “If I didn’t know that the drive was less than five minutes, I would fall asleep here.”  
“You’ve had quite the tiring day.” Matthew smirked, his hand moving over hers as the car made its way down the driveway.   
“I regret nothing.” She giggled, rubbing her stomach. “My stomach feels tight.”  
“I think you need to take it easy.” Matthew frowned, squeezing her hand. “I can stay home tomorrow.”  
“No.” She lifted her head, shaking her head no. “I appreciate that you are able to work home at home, but you do have an office you run. I respect that you have people to oversee.”  
“I just need to take it easy and if I am home and you’re at work…there won’t be anything to distract me from resting.” Mary giggled.   
“How is your appetite for…distraction…my fault?” Matthew chuckled, approaching their street.   
“Are you complaining?” She laughed, squeezing his hand.   
“Oh, definitely not.” Matthew smirked, stopping to let another car go by.   
“Ouch.”   
“What’s wrong?” Matthew frowned, looking over at her for a moment before back to the road.   
“Just…uncomfortable.” She sighed, letting go of his hand to massage her stomach. “Curling up with my pregnancy pillow should do the trick.”  
“Okay.” He sighed, pulling into the driveway and quickly turning the car off. “Want me to make you a bath?”  
“No.” Mary yawned, as Matthew got out of the car and closed his door. He walked to the other side of the car, opening her door and smiling to see Mary take a deep breath of relief. He reached for her hand, as she stepped out of the car in front of the house. Their house. The home they shared together. As she stood up in front of him, she leaned forward and gave him a kiss. “Hey…”  
“What?” He kissed her back, before taking her hand up the walkway and putting the keys into the front door.   
“I just…can we talk for a second?” Mary asked, stepping inside of the house as Matthew opened the door for her.   
“Of course.” He frowned, closing the door behind him. He then walked closer to her, his hands moving to her stomach. “Is everything okay?”  
“Yes.” She nodded, as they stood under the light of their entryway. He saw her eyes were tired, but she just let a smile grow on her lips. “I want you to know. I know you worry. I make you worry.”  
“It’s because I love you.” Matthew said softly, stroking her cheek. He did worry. All the time. Even tonight, he was worried about her, because she seemed too tired. “I just want you and the baby to be happy.”  
“Olivia.” Mary nudged him in the side, her smile widening.   
“Olivia.” Matthew nodded, smiling. It seemed so odd but exciting to refer to this little baby by name. The little baby who changed everything.   
“I know I make you worry.” She continued, looking down at her hands. Her brown hair highlighting underneath the entryway light fixture. “But I’m really happy. I sometimes don’t realize how happy I am. It truly took me longer than I thought to realize just how happy I feel, but when I’m with you and talking about Olivia, I’m happy. Terrified, but happy.”  
“You are?” Matthew couldn’t help but smile as she stood there playing with her fingers. Her voice was a bit shaky as she avoided eye contact.   
“Very.” She breathed, pressing her head to his chest.   
“But you’re terrified.” He added and pushed her hair back, tilting her head up with his finger. “Why?”  
“I don’t know how much people will say I have provided to society. I’ve had my various causes, but this is my first big contribution. This is the biggest thing I will have ever done. Olivia is what I am giving to this world.” Mary whispered, placing her hands on his chest and her voice shook a bit. “And what if I don’t do it right? What if all the softness you find in me dries up and drains away? What if it only exists there in your imagination?”  
“That could never be the case, Mary.” Matthew knew Mary. He knew the way her face lit up when she planned for her baby or the way she cared about the little details of the life they were planning. She was going to be great at this, but she needed to relax and let herself be good at it. “Mary, this is an amazing, exciting and scary thing all at once. But I know the real you. You’re going to be good at this.”  
“You believe so?” She asked, biting her lip.   
“I know so.” Matthew pressed his forehead against hers, kissing her nose and then whispering to her. “We’re going to do it together. It will be our biggest challenge.”  
“How can something so small, cause so much worry?” Mary asked, taking a deep breath. “How are we going to make sure we do it well?”  
“That I don’t know, but we’re two smart and caring people. With enough brains to get through the basics.” Matthew laughed honestly. He had to admit he had his own fears. This was big. This was bigger than just escaping to Paris. This was a whole new life that would depend on them to eat, sleep, stay clean and guide through life. “I think we just figure out the rest along the way and lean on each other when we think we’ve got it wrong. I’m scared too.”  
“You are?” She asked, pulling away and running her hands over her stomach.   
“Yeah.” Matthew nodded, noticing how her hands moved to her lower back. “I’m thinking that she’ll get here and we’ll start by just looking at her until she does something.”  
“What? Incite a riot?” Mary giggled infectiously, her hands staying on her back. “Blow bubbles.”  
“Mary…” Matthew couldn’t help but shake his head in laughter. She had been a bit ornery lately, no matter how tired she was. It was nice to see Mary with her sarcastic wit engaging with him. “You’re something.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry.” She sighed over dramatically, leaning her body into his chest. “I know I said no bath, but could I trouble you for a back massage? I have some pressure.”  
“Sure, but are you alright? Should I call the doctor?” Matthew frowned, wondering if she was feeling bad. He knew she was tired today, but she had energy some days and was exhausted on other days. They had come to just make plans as they could.   
“No.” Mary assured him. “Doctor Morrison said back pain was normal. Stretching too. She said I would know if something was wrong.”  
“Okay…” Matthew breathed, knowing he was going to worry regardless. He was there when Dr. Morrison said that this week, but it didn’t make it easier. She was uncomfortable. A back massage and her pregnancy pillow would help immensely. He would still try to convince her to take a bath. Right now, she was leaning into him, her head pressed against his chest. He tapped her back, urging her to go upstairs and told her he would shut the lights down before coming upstairs. He was going to make her a nice glass of water with lemon and then make his way upstairs. He wanted her fully relaxed when she went to sleep so that she could wake up feeling fully refreshed. She had told him tonight that she was happy. That meant the world to him. Even by admitting that she was terrified, made him love her so much more. He was scared too. He also loved the moments that the real Mary made her appearance. She was back. Even if she still found herself replaced by fear, she was there. He saw it, her family saw it. Everyone knew that while the damage had been done, she was finding ways to be herself and start a life that she was going to love and for that life, he was going to be right there with her.


	40. Chapter 40

Mary and Anna were sitting in the nursery, organizing the piles of baby clothes they had washed. Anna had insisted that she help with washing and organizing the baby’s clothes. Organizing was almost like a hobby for her. Matthew was working downstairs in his office, finishing up a contract for a company in town. She and Anna had been working all morning with little visits from Matthew. He made sure to pop his head in, to make sure she wasn’t over working herself. The doctor had told them about Braxton Hicks Contractions and she was definitely experiencing them. Her back pain was normal, but Matthew still managed to worry. Still, she was enjoying her time with Anna as they sorted through little sleepers and tiny dresses. Anna was sitting on the floor, opening boxes of velvet baby hangers while Mary was pairing little baby lace socks together. Each time she picked up one of them, she was stunned by how tiny they were. It was hard to imagine that anyone’s foot would be small enough to fit into one, let alone the fact that they came in a bunch of different tiny socks. She picked up one with a light pink lace ruffle and bow on the edge, letting out a small giggle. “I swear, I don’t understand how something this small fit anything that grows into the size of one of us.”  
“I can’t believe that you’re going to have one.” Anna giggled, taking out a stack of hangers before standing up. “Then companies just rub in how cute they are by making miniature hangers. I mean how cute are these?”  
“Cute.” Mary nodded, tossing another pair of socks into the basket. “I swear Matthew comes in here every night, just to be in here.”  
“I don’t know that he could be any happier.” Anna laughed, handing her some more socks. “Honestly, I mention the word ‘baby’ or say Olivia and his face lights up.”  
“He already adores her and she isn’t even done baking yet.” Mary smiled weakly, before returning to folding the small socks. “At least I think he does.”  
“Think?” Anna’s shoulders dropped. “Seriously? All of this self-doubt…”  
“Self-doubt?” Mary frowned.   
“Yes. “Anna groaned, sitting the hangers down on the changing table before grabbing a small white plush ottoman and sliding it in front of Mary and sitting on it. “Do you want this to fail?”  
“What? No.” Mary’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “You can’t think I want my relationship with Matthew to fail.”  
“And what if I do?” Anna crossed her arms. “Mary, I don’t think you know but deep down that you are trying to sabotage this. Deep down you want to push Matthew away or give yourself a reason to leave him.”  
“And why would I do that?” Mary argued, feeling her cheeks turn red. “I love him.”  
“Oh, you definitely love him.” Anna sighed. “I know that much.”  
“Then why are you saying this?” Mary scoffed.   
“I don’t want you to get hurt, because you pushed Matthew away.” Anna leaned forward, reaching for her hand but Mary pulled it away. “Mary…”  
“No.” Mary shook her head, offended that Anna would think she wanted to lose Matthew. “How could you think…”  
“Mary.” Anna’s soft voice spoke, her face became sad. “You and Matthew have always been this push and pull. A competition of who can love who when the other moves on. You loved him, but he wouldn’t stop you. Then you married Carlisle, but Mary. You didn’t see what that did to him. You didn’t see what losing you for what he thought was forever actually did to him. Which is why I have to say something.”  
“Anna…”  
“I can’t let you do this. I can’t let you sit here and think he may just love your child. To think that he might one day change his mind, because he won’t.” Anna insisted, her eyes red as she spoke quickly and firmly to her friend. “I had the opportunity to talk to Isobel a few times over the course of time after you left and she knew. I knew. We all knew that his world was rocked. The first few weeks, he drank himself silly. Then he threw himself into work and then one day, he started asking about you. He told his mother if he ever had the chance to make it right, he’d spend his life doing it.”  
“And you wonder why I’m afraid?” Mary argued, pushing herself up from the rocking chair. “He tells me he’ll spend his life making it up, but what if he just feels guilty because of Carlisle? I know he feels guilty. He acts with guilt. What if this is all out of guilt? Something happened and…”  
“How can you think this is out of guilt?” Anna stood.   
“My husband beat me within an inch of my life! I almost died Anna!” Mary shouted, instinctively lowering her voice once she recalled that Matthew was downstairs and that Anna had seemed startled. “I’m sorry. I am.”  
“It’s okay.” Anna frowned, before stepping closer to Mary. “Mary, do really think that at the end of the day, Matthew wouldn’t have come around if Carlisle hadn’t been hurting you? That he wouldn’t have stepped up if there wasn’t a situation to get you out of?”  
“No. I don’t know.” Mary covered her hand with her face, shaking her head. “Anna, I think he was falling for me the moment I came back to Downton and the night of the carnival…in my mind I wanted him back so badly. I just had a duty. To be his wife. Then Papa set it all up and Matthew was there. Before then, I had that duty.”  
“Until you nearly died.” Anna whispered as Mary walked back to the rocking chair, her hand on her back.   
“Right.” Mary sat down.  
“Mary, you need to listen to me.” Anna went back to the ottoman she was sitting on, shaking her head. “It makes sense to me now. You’re hesitation. Why you can’t move on from uncertainty.”  
“You think you have me figured out.” Mary rolled her eyes, tears forming in her eyes. “Goodness.”  
“You think Matthew fought for you on impulse after learning what happened.” Anna’s eyes were wide as she almost seemed to be explaining it to herself. “You think he’s doing all of this on emotion and to rescue you. You’re afraid of losing him. Maybe even more than we thought he was afraid of losing you.”  
“That’s crazy.” Mary wiped at her eyes.   
“I don’t know why Isobel and the rest of us didn’t see it before.” Anna stood. “Mr. Bates once said that you were stubborn, because your heart is fragile.”  
“Anna.” Mary groaned.   
“You’re not afraid he’ll change his mind about you and the baby.” Anna paced around the room, her hands fidgeting. “You’re afraid that he never would have made his way back to you any other way!”  
“What?” Mary froze.   
“If we hadn’t discovered what Carlisle was doing to you, then Matthew wouldn’t have worked so hard to get you back.”  
“True.” Mary nodded, tears coming down her face.   
“False.” Anna turned to her, pushing her golden locks behind her ears. “Oh Mary…you have no idea.”  
“What?” She frowned.   
“Shortly after you were married, when Isobel made Matthew dig himself out of the drunken and workaholic lifestyle, he confessed to her that he wanted you back” Anna explained. “Isobel, being the romantic that she is, urged him to go to London and tell you how he felt immediately. She told me all about it.”  
“And he never came.” Mary cried, shaking her head. “I didn’t expect him too.”  
“He did once.” Anna admitted, hanging her head for a moment. “Shortly after you settled into the house. He asked if I knew when Carlisle would be gone and I guess I had the dates wrong. He saw you two dressed up, leaving the house for a fancy event. He thought you looked happy and he came back.”  
“Oh.” Mary swallowed.   
“When he came back, he once sat down with Isobel and I.”   
“And what happened?” Mary asked, her heart pounding from her chest.   
“He thought he had hurt you too much. He said he wasn’t going to interrupt your life if you didn’t need or want him too.” Anna explained. “Isobel said you both have done stuff to hurt each other, but that she would always support every step you two took together, because you belong together and I agreed. We said we would help him, if he decided to go again. He decided that if you ever came back to Downton Abbey, even for a visit he would begin to treat you the way you deserved to be treated. Even if not a thing came from it, he would make it clear he liked you.”  
“And he did.” Mary whispered, wiping at her eyes.   
“Mary, he was always committed to getting you back.” Anna’s voice remained even, even as tears came down her cheek. “But he also didn’t want to ruin your life if you were happy. When he saw you with Carlisle, he said he thought you looked happy and that it broke his heart, but that he loved you too much to interrupt you. He’d have to show you other ways.”  
“So, when I came back to Downton…”  
“It was game on.” Anna giggled, squeezing Mary’s hand before picking up her own cell phone. She played around with it a bit, before handing it to Mary. “Here.”  
“What is this?” Mary sniffled, looking at the screen in front of her.   
“It was a text Matthew sent me the night he went to dinner when you got back in town.” Anna smiled through her own tears. “Read it.”  
“I just saw her. Just like every other time, she takes my breath away. Anna, I have to tell her. I don’t just see someone I love; I see the mother of my children. I messed up. It isn’t right. Her being with him. She belongs with me, at home. In Downton. I could never be happy with someone else as long as she walks the Earth. We all know that.” Mary read, her voice shaking. “I have to make it right. I can’t lose her. Not again. She’s everything to me. She needs to at least know that I love her.”  
“He knew before, but he hadn’t had the chance to speak with you until you got back here.” Anna replied, running her hand through this hair. “So, stop with the doubt. I should have shown you sooner, but I didn’t realize you were struggling still. Not until today.”  
“I didn’t either.” Mary sighed, looking over at the white elephant on the table next to her. Elliot. “I am afraid of losing him. I love him so much.”  
“I know.”  
“And I don’t want to sabotage anything.” Mary confessed.   
“I know.” Anna nodded. “But he doesn’t want anyone else. Not ever. He just wants you…and Olivia.”  
“We want him.” Mary whispered through her tears.   
“I know.” Anna let out a tired giggle as there was a light knock on the bedroom door and Matthew popped his head in. “Hey Matthew.”  
“Hey I…why are you crying?” Matthew frowned, walking across the room to stand in front of Mary.   
“Oh, you know me. Emotional about everything.” Mary breathed, not wanting to tell him about her talk with Anna. She reached for Elliot, sitting him on her lap. “I’m a basket case.”  
“She’s in tears a lot these days.” Matthew laughed, looking at Anna before putting both hands on the rocking chair. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.” Mary whispered as he pressed his head against her, before placing a kiss on her forehead and pulling away.   
“I’m going to head to the pharmacy.” Matthew stood up, pulling his phone from his pocket.   
“Everything okay?” Anna frowned.   
“Yeah, my throat is a little sore.” Matthew responded, stroking his neck. “Going to grab some medicine. Do you guys need anything?”  
“I think we’re okay.” Mary sniffed, her fingers running across Elliot’s ears. “Unless you want to get me some chocolate.”  
“I would love to. I will bring you something. Whatever you and Olivia want.” Matthew laughed, walking towards the door. “Be home soon. Bye Anna.”  
“Bye.” Anna laughed as he walked out, closing the door behind him. Mary smiled, shaking her head at Anna. “Mary, he’s not going anywhere. So, don’t even try.”  
“Can I blame pregnancy for making my mind a bit crazy.” Mary asked, taking a deep breath.   
“Yeah.” Anna giggled, standing up from her chair. “Just know, you are his world. Both of you. This is his life now. Yours too. So, you don’t have to worry about him going anywhere and you don’t have to try and ruin it to make it hurt less later. Olivia is his as far as he is concerned. You’re his forever and I know he’s yours. Now I am going to go check on the load of washcloths. I’ll be back.”  
“He is my forever.” Mary admitted in a whisper, looking down at the stuffed animal as Anna left the room. Mary had been embarrassed that she still had doubts, but she never thought someone could diminish them before she got to see what Matthew was like with her little one. Everything Anna had said, was right. Even if she hadn’t seen it, Anna was on point. She had been more effective than her therapist when it came to her relationship with Matthew. Not that therapy hadn’t helped, but Anna was able to figure out where Mary’s mind was, even when she couldn’t. She was right. She had been so afraid that they wouldn’t be together if she hadn’t almost died, but the truth was they would have found their way back one way or another. They just needed time. It just happened that fate intervened and Matthew was there to be her knight in shining armor. Now as she rocked in the chair with the stuffed elephant, they named Elliot, Mary knew that for the rest of her life, she was going to have him by her side. They still had things to work through, but she knew that they could do it together. While doing so, she hoped she could make him see that she loved him just as much as he loved her.


	41. Chapter 41

It was dark in the bedroom as Mary rolled over and felt the empty side of the bed. She figured he had shifted a bit in his sleep, but she ran her hand up to the pillow. Nothing. Her tired eyes fluttered open to see Matthew was nowhere in the bed. She pushed herself to sit up, looking around the room as she pushed her wavy brown hair out of her face. Mary looked around the room, slowly waking up from the sleep that she had fallen into. When she had fallen asleep, Matthew was reading a book. He had complained that his cold was getting a bit worse and that he was going to sit up a bit longer to help it settle. Now he wasn’t anywhere to be found in their bedroom. As she pushed herself up from the bed, stabilizing herself against the wall, she heard something from the other side of the house. A cough. She took a deep breath, wondering why he would get up and leave her in the middle of the night. Her back was aching, her stomach was tight again and she was barely in her third trimester. She wanted him in bed with her, so she was going to get him and drag him back to their bed. This was crazy. She wasn’t a wild sleeper. It wasn’t like she was kicking him. Why would he leave her? He didn’t like her getting out of bed in the middle of the night, the slight jolt in the bed often woke up him and he worried that she might slip and fall. It was crazy, but then again, she hadn’t been too steady the past few months. He had good reason to worry. As she made her way to the guestroom down the hall, she could hear the sound of him coughing furiously and then a little groan. Mary pressed her ear to the door, before putting her hand on the knob and pushing in. “Matthew?”  
“Hey.” Matthew coughed, before wiping at his nose. Mary stepped into the room, getting a closer look at Matthew whose eyes were watering, his nose red and he looked exhausted. “Don’t come closer. I don’t want to get you sick.”  
“Matthew.” Mary frowned, walking closer to the bed. “I’ve already been exposed and besides…you’ve seen me through everything.”  
“Yes, but you’re pregnant. You getting sick each morning is a bit different than a contagious cold.” Matthew argued before letting out a big sneeze. “I don’t want you coming down with this. Really Mary.”  
“Matthew.” Mary rolled her eyes, closing the bedroom door behind her and walking over to the bed. As she stepped closer, he turned on the light from the bedside table. He looked exhausted and Mary was reminded of the time he fell asleep instantly when they arrived in Paris. Then she remembered her talk with Anna. He had thrown himself into this, because he wanted this more than anything. He needed to know she was more than happy for the moment. That she was one hundred percent in this too. She was going to take care of him. She crawled onto the bed, moving to sit next to him and placing her hand on his forehead. “You’re burning up.”  
“I’m fine.” Matthew pushed her hand away, before reaching for some antibacterial gel. “Mary. I don’t want you to get sick. I have to think about you and Olivia.”  
“And I have to think about you.” Mary smiled weakly, her hand moving to stroke his cheek. “And Olivia.”  
“I just need to sleep it off.” Matthew insisted, pushing her hair behind ear ears. “I’ll be fine.”  
“Matthew, come back to our bed.” Mary reached for his hand, squeezing it softly. “I could catch the cold. Very easily, but it isn’t going to make a difference. I mean we had sex this morning before you felt worse. The damage is done.”  
“Damn it.” Matthew ran his hands over his face, shaking his head. “Mary I’m sorry. You’ve had a tough enough time.”  
“I will be fine.” Mary tugged at his hand, standing up from the bed. “Come on.”  
“Where are you taking me?” Matthew sighed, standing up from the bed as Mary wrapped her arms around him. “Since apparently I have infected you with this cold already and you’ve broken quarantine.”  
“To our bedroom.” Mary instructed confidently, pressing a kiss to his chest, before reaching or the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his chest. “You need to get rid of the extra layers, you are burning up and you need to cool off.”  
“Haven’t you ever heard of sweating it out?” Matthew asked, before stepping away to cough. “Oh…that hurts.”  
“Then let me take care of you.” Mary said quietly, her own body exhausted as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you want a bath or just to get in bed with me? You’ll have to be naked regardless. To cool off.”  
“I’m too tired for a bath tonight.” Matthew admitted. “I can sleep in here. This cough will keep you up and you need sleep.”  
“I will be fine.” Mary rolled her eyes, reaching for his box of tissues and bag of cough drops from the night stand, before taking his hand. “Now come on. You’re coming back to bed. Our bed. If you think a cold is going to scare me, you’ve learned nothing.”  
“I never pictured you as a nurse.” Matthew replied as she pulled him along the hallway. “Although dominatrix…”  
“Quiet Lenny Bruce.” Mary giggled tiredly as they walked into their bedroom. She turned around, immediately wrapping her arms around his neck. “I’m taking control. I’m taking care of you. You always take care of me; I can take care of you. Fluids, soup and all the one on one attention you require.”  
“Bossy.”Matthew smirked, his hair falling in his face.   
“Pants off.” Mary replied, kissing his cheek.   
“Why?”   
“So you can cool down.” Mary rolled her eyes.   
“Only if you cool down with me.” Matthew put his hands on his hip and pushed his sweats down and Mary shook her head. Even sick he was trying to flirt and toy with her.   
“Get in bed.” Mary demanded, pulling her nightgown off her body, before walking to the restroom. She reached for a navy washcloth, before turning on the water and drenching it. She made sure the water was as cold as it could be before draining the excess water from the cloth. She stepped out as Matthew was sitting on the bed, adjusting the pillows on her side of the bed “What are you doing?”  
“Clearly you need me in here to do your pillows the right way.” Matthew chuckled, adjusting her pregnancy pillow. “Remember this one is supposed to be at your back.”  
“Not when you’re in bed with me.” She shrugged, adjusting the waist line of her panties.   
“Right…then we move it back to your side so that you can have support on your back.” Matthew tiredly sighed, tossing one of the throw pillows off the bed. “I told you the beaded throw pillow isn’t good for your back. You don’t listen and every time you wake up with your back hurting. You just missed me.”  
“Lay down.” Mary couldn’t help but laugh as he still tried to take care of her. “You’re breaking the rules.”  
“What rules?” He asked, adjusting the covers before patting the bed for her to sit down.   
“I’m supposed to be taking care of you.” Mary moved to lay down on her side of the bed, placing the cloth on his forehead and pushing him down by his shoulder. “You’re not supposed to start trying to take care of me again. I get to be the helpful and loving girlfriend. You’re supposed to lay back with this on your head.”  
“It’s wet.”  
“It will help the fever.”  
“I thought you being naked will help the fever.” Matthew smirked, moving his hand to her side.   
“Shut up.” She shook her head, taking his hand away from her side and adjusting the cloth on his head. He let out a harsh cough as she rubbed his shoulder. “Matthew, please.”  
“What?”  
“I…you do everything for me. You’re always my knight in shining armor.” Mary breathed.  
“You’re saying you let me rescue you?” Matthew replied as Mary pulled the blankets over him.   
“Just this once.” She let out a weak smile from her lips, repeating his words from the day he and Anna confronted him in her bedroom at Downton. She then pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. “Matthew, we’re doing this. We’re living this life and building our own family. You’re my love and you’re Olivia’s father. We’ll take care of her together and we have to take care of each other. It isn’t one sided. You need care too and until now, I’ve done a poor job of taking care of you.”  
“Mary…”  
“So be sick. I’m here to nurse you back to health.” Mary replied, lying back in the bed, aligning her body with his. “I’ll cook soup…or buy some tomorrow. I’ll get chicken or…I’ll figure that out in the morning.”  
“I made soup today.” He laughed, but it broke into another coughing fit. “Oh god.”  
“I can heat you some up tomorrow.” She frowned, rubbing his arm as he coughed. She knew he hadn’t been sleeping well and she knew he didn’t feel well. It would pass, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t worried about him. She knew the true meaning of what it meant to hurt when someone you loved was hurt or sick. It was awful. “You should rest.”  
“I will sleep better now.” Matthew admitted, his arm wrapping around her. “With you by my side. I sleep better than I have in years.”  
“Me too.” She whispered.   
“How is Olivia?” He asked, his chest rising up and down slowly and Mary moved her hand to her stomach.  
“Awake.” Mary giggled tiredly. “I felt her wake up when I turned the water on for your cloth.”  
“She’s an active little one.” He chuckled, his hand moving over her stomach as he closed his eyes. Mary felt the little one kick against her stomach, hitting Matthew’s hand.   
“I hope this doesn’t mean she’s planning on being up all night when actually gets here.” Mary replied, lifting her head to kiss his cheek before moving the back of her hand to feel his skin. “You’re cooling down a bit.”  
“You have me naked and wearing a cold, wet cloth against my head.” Matthew replied, stroking her arm. “Of course, my temp is dropping. I’m freezing.”  
“I’m undressed too, you’re not freezing. You just have a fever, which is why I am letting you keep the blankets on. You’re so dramatic.” Mary giggled, kissing his cheek again. “You’re going to be just fine. You might even live.”  
“Oh, thank you Doc.” Matthew laughed. “Well as long as you’re undressed too than I don’t have to worry. Thank you.”  
“Anytime.” Mary replied. “I’m glad you stopped fighting me, now we can get some sleep.”  
“If I don’t keep you up with my coughing.”  
“And if you do, it’s fine.” Mary sighed, before adjusting the washcloth. “I’m here. Not going anywhere. Neither are you.”  
“You’re right.” He whispered, moving his hand back to her stomach. “And while Olivia is still active and awake, you’ll be awake.”  
“She’s wondering why we’re awake. Probably waiting for us to sit still.” Mary giggled, moving to rest her head on his shoulder. She wondered if she should tell him about her talk with Anna, if it would make a difference to tell him what she knew. That he had been dedicated to loving her. That she knew he wasn’t going anywhere. Or that she wasn’t going anywhere now. Except she knew she didn’t have to. She just had to be there, loving him back. She had to love him just as she wanted to. No pressure, just following what her heart wanted. And her heart wanted him. More than anything and he was hers. She was his and one day Olivia would be right here with them, never knowing that anything had gone wrong in the weeks after her creation. Nothing in the way, nobody to confuse her. Which is why taking care of Matthew when he was sick was so important to Mary. She was one hundred percent in this with him.


	42. Chapter 42

Matthew wondered why he bothered walking to his mother’s house at all these days. Every time he made his way there, he left with piles of things for the baby. She always had an excuse for why she had to pick up something she’d seen in a shop or saw shopping on the personal computer in her office. Now, Matthew was sitting in the drawing room while Mary and his mother were in an excited frenzy about some baby dresses in the other room. When his mother opened the door to the house, she almost immediately disappeared down the hall, pulling Mary by the hand. Not that Mary was bothered by that. He had checked in on her and while all morning she had been a bit irritable, her smile was contagious once she saw the items for Olivia. Mary was going to be an amazing mother. She had her doubts and he knew she wondered if she would have the natural instincts. By nature, most people knew her to be a bit cold. Except he knew the real Mary and he saw the way she was while carrying Olivia. He had overheard her reading to her in the nursery, or talking to her stomach. He even saw her browsing Pinterest and looking at recipes, activities and parenting tips. One morning, he woke up to her doing diligent research on the best cleaning and bath products. He had teased her at first, but the more she threw herself into getting ready for motherhood, the more he loved her.   
She didn’t know it yet, but she was going to be amazing at it. He just wondered how many they would want after Olivia. Ultimately, it would be up to Mary and he knew that. He knew that if she woke up one day and said Olivia was the only baby she wanted; he would have to be okay with that. He hoped that didn’t happen, but he would support her. He didn’t think that would be the case. Mary always went along with his jokes about him being unable to keep his hands off of her or would refer to their ‘next’ one. Maybe they would have two. Maybe three. He didn’t know. He had no idea what the future held for them, except that they would be together. He also knew that Olivia was one of the best things that had ever happened to Mary. Deep down, he knew Olivia was why she made it through the first few weeks after Carlisle attacked her. She never needed to say it, but Olivia kept her going. Olivia gave her a reason to fight and not refuse their help. Matthew knew that. He may have whisked her away, but Mary knew she needed to get her baby away. Mary would do anything for her baby and that was going to make her an amazing mother and he couldn’t wait.   
“Mary, I wish you would just come in here and sit down.” Isobel stated as she and Mary walked into the drawing room. “Why don’t you sit on the couch and put your feet up?”  
“I don’t need to do either of those things.” Mary replied, walking to the table for some tea. “Matthew, please tell your mother Braxton Hicks are normal.”  
“I am a nurse. Once a nurse always a nurse.” Isobel corrected herself as Matthew stood and pulled the chair out for both of the women in his life. “I don’t think you have Braxton Hicks.”  
“Well if they were real contractions, I would know.” Mary replied, her hand massaging her stomach. “And I have a little over ten weeks left. So, Braxton Hicks.”  
“She complained of a backache and nausea twice while we were looking at the baby clothes.” Isobel pointed at Mary, who Matthew knew had been a but uncomfortable today. It was probably the reason for her moodiness.   
“So, she’s pregnant?” Matthew laughed. “Mary, did you know this whole time?”  
“Don’t be silly.” Isobel couldn’t help but smile, shaking her head. “Mary, are you having any thing else other than the occasional Braxton Hicks contraction, the nausea and back ache?”   
“No.” Mary replied, her fingers toying with her earring and Matthew frowned. She had been a bit cranky today and he knew last night she hadn’t slept at all. He felt her toss and turn in the bed. He figured it was because she might be coming down with the cold he had been taken down with a week before, but she kept saying she felt fine. He felt her head and she didn’t have a fever and then she had been in a mood all day. Still, at her last appointment they had checked her and the baby and everything was fine. He even cross checked what the doctor said with his own research he had seen and it seemed pretty normal.   
“Well, if anything changes, make sure to call the doctor.” Isobel instructed, her hand moving to Mary’s arm. “Just a worried Grandmother dear.”  
“I know.” Mary moved her hand over hers, before looking up at Matthew. “Your mother bought Olivia a nightgown that she’ll fit into closer to a year old. It’s the sweetest.”  
“Mother, you’re already spoiling her.” Matthew teased as he stood up, reaching for a biscuit on the tray in the center of the table. “And you’re spoiling Mary too. You constantly fill your tables with her cravings.”  
“I do appreciate that too.” Mary giggled tiredly before reaching for a few grapes on the tray. “Did you know if you freeze them, they’re amazing.”  
“I don’t think I have ever put them in the freezer.” Isobel laughed. “She devoured the cream puffs in the kitchen.”   
“There are cream puffs in the kitchen?” Matthew frowned.   
“There were.” Mary said, before scrunching her nose and giggling at Isobel. “I had two.”  
“You’re really excited about that.” Matthew smirked, leaning over and placing a soft kiss at her lips. “It’s okay Mother, I’m not upset that you didn’t bring me one.”  
“Well good, because when I stopped at Hudson’s Bakery, they only had two left and they’re Mary’s favorite.” Isobel clasped her hands together as Mary shifted in her seat. She clutched the table, her head dipping down to her chest. Matthew reached for her hand, squeezing it as she moved her hand to massage her side. “Mary, are you sure you’re alright?”  
“I am.” Mary replied, both hands now on her side. Matthew stood, moving his hand to her back as she squeezed her eyes closed, hugging her stomach protectively. “I just need a pillow for my back. She’s sitting a bit low today.”  
“Why don’t we go talk near the couch, so that you can put your feet up?” Isobel pushed her own chair out, rushing to Mary’s side.  
“We don’t need to do that.” Mary replied, moving her hand to her shoulder. She rubbed at it before taking a deep breath. “I’ll be okay.”  
“Mary.” Matthew frowned, as her cheeks became flushed and she looked visibly uncomfortable. “Are you feeling alright?”  
“I’m just tired. A little nausea, but we’re fine.” Mary insisted, before looking at Isobel and back to Matthew. He knew his mother was pleading with her to lay down. He was reminded that the doctor had said any time Mary began to feel tired or rough, it was time to take it easy. She wasn’t bleeding or having consistent contractions. The Braxton Hicks weren’t even consistent. She hadn’t had them since the days before his cold. Today was the first day they had returned. “How about we move to the couch? It would make the both of you more comfortable.”  
“I agree.” Isobel stood, moving to take Mary’s hand. “The hard back of the chair isn’t good for your comfort and putting your feet up will do no harm to you right now.”  
“Perfect.” Mary breathed, as Isobel led her to the couch and Matthew followed them, jumping forward to adjust some pillows before Mary laid back on the couch.   
“I’m going to go get you a class of water.” Isobel dropped her hands to her side. “I’m going to slice some lemon for it. It will help prevent any swelling.”  
“Thank you, Mother.” Matthew ran his hands through his hair, as Isobel began to walk quickly out of the room. He kneeled down by Mary, moving one hand to her swollen stomach as she took deep breaths. He was confident that Dr. Morrison was right that day, but he was wondering if things were starting to change. He had been working to keep her stress low, but “Mary, are you alright?”  
“Yeah.” She breathed; her eyes closed as she rubbed her stomach. “You guys are worrying too much.”  
“We just worry about you and Olivia.” Matthew replied, stroking the side of her stomach. He didn’t want to voice too much worry and freak her out, but in the last fifteen minutes it had been clear she really wasn’t feeling any better. Normally if she was having a rough day, she would rest and it would get better. Walking to his mother’s and being on her feet looking at baby clothes likely hadn’t helped. “Are the contractions…”  
“I’m sure they’re Braxton Hicks.” Mary assured him, straightening up a bit as she raised her hand in front of her. “I don’t think this is anything unusual. Pregnant women are uncomfortable for the third trimester. Pain and suffering are normal. You may even experience some later on...when I’m unusually cranky.”   
“Lucky me.”  
“She probably just needs to take it easy and we’re just worrying too much.” Isobel interrupted as she walked in with s glass of water. Matthew continued rubbing her side as his mother came closer, handing Mary the glass of water. “Sip it slowly.”  
“Thank you.” Mary barely took a sip before she gasped out in pain, pushing the glass back to Isobel and clutching her stomach. His mother rushed to sit the glass on a nearby table, before returning to Mary. “Oh God…”  
“Mary.” Matthew’s felt his stomach turn into a knot as she squeezed his hand. A few minutes ago, she had been insisting she was fine, but he knew she was in pain.  
“Matthew, I suspect Mary is having true contractions...” Isobel said, her voice even and Matthew knew he was lucky to have his mother here right now. She was calm and collected in moments like these. She kneeled down next to him, moving her hand over her stomach. “I think you need to take her to be checked. I don’t feel like she’s just having normal pregnancy pains today.”  
“I have to be honest.” Mary breathed, dancing her fingers over her lips. “I feel nauseas…my lower back is killing me and I feel a lot of pressure. I haven’t felt well at all today.”  
“Where is the pressure?” Isobel asked, taking her hand. “  
“Really low in my waist.” Mary spoke before nodding and looking up at Matthew nervously. “I honestly didn’t feel pressure until a bit ago. I didn’t think any of this was unusual.”  
“It’s okay.” He replied, stroking her cheek. Matthew could see how worried she was, her hands clutching his tight as she tried to promise him that she didn’t think she was feeling any worse than normal. He knew Mary was as caught off guard as he was, but her body was telling them it needed help. That Olivia needed help. “Mother, do you think she’s in labor?”  
“We won’t know for sure.” Isobel explained, moving to help Mary sit up. “Not until the doctor checks her.”  
“If someone gives me my phone, I can try to call Dr. Morrison and see what she thinks.” Mary replied, looking up at Matthew and he could see her eyes were starting to water. He knew when she was about to cry, because her eyes always got a bit wide as if she was trying to straight the tears from escaping.  
“Why don’t I call Dr. Morrison and let her know you two will be coming over to the hospital? She’s a fine friend of mine and she’ll understand if I call and give her the heads up.” Isobel offered, making eye contact with Matthew as if she knew they needed time alone. Matthew nodded as Isobel left the room.   
“Matthew, I check the app on my phone every day.” Mary whimpered, taking his hand. “I am over ten weeks away from my due date. It’s too early for her to come.”  
“I know, but we don’t know that she’s coming.” Matthew frowned, squeezing her shaky hand. “But it doesn’t do us any good to sit here and not go to the hospital. Maybe its just pregnancy pain, but let’s go ahead and go. Then they can send us home tonight, they’ll tell you to stay in bed for the rest of the day and then you’ll be back to normal.”  
“And if she comes today?” Mary asked, wiping at her eyes. “And she’s too small, not developed enough? Her lungs won’t be ready.”  
“She’ll be okay.” Matthew assured her, before pressing a kiss on her forehead. He stood up, reaching for her hand to help her up from the couch. “Let’s just go see the doctor’s and when they send us home tonight, we can curl up with a movie and whatever you want to eat.”  
“Okay.” She smiled, her tears fading away as she stood up. As he moved his hands to her hair, her body tensed up again and she pressed her head into his chest, gripping his hand. “Damn…”  
“Let’s go Mary.” Matthew whispered, kissing her head as the pain came through her body. He had a feeling they weren’t so bad that she couldn’t talk through them, but it didn’t mean that any of this was going as it should. She was right, they were too far away from her due date to expect anything other than Braxton Hicks. Her pregnancy hadn’t been easy, but Matthew knew that the pain she was having wasn’t consistent with anything she had experienced before. He didn’t like this, but he wasn’t going to overreact yet. Mary was very clearly nervous and it wouldn’t help to have him worked up. He had a feeling that she was going to be back on bed rest, but for now he just needed to get her checked. The comfort and safety of Olivia and Mary was his first concern. So, he would get her to the hospital and make sure that his world was alright.


	43. Chapter 43

Mary was trying to stay calm. She expected to wait forever before seeing a doctor since she didn’t even have an appointment, but they had immediately directed her to the Labor and Delivery area of the hospital. Since then, she’d been examined, her blood had been taken and she’d been dressed in a hospital gown. She wanted to remain calm, except she was sure that this was bad. She now had a monitor wrapped around her stomach and Matthew was sitting quietly in the chair set up in the corner of the room, his legs crossed and he was examining his phone. Most likely, he was researching the risks of preterm labor, because just ten minutes before he said if she was born early, they needed to make sure to ask for skin on skin contact as soon as they could. He was worried. She knew that. She was scared too, but she was trying to stay calm. She was excited to meet Olivia, but today wasn’t supposed to be the day. It wasn’t time. She watched as Matthew focused intently on his phone, scrolling through articles and she was overcome by a bit of guilt. Mary’s only job here was to make sure Olivia was alright. They had already given her a minimum amount of medicine to try and slow her contractions and she was wondering why her body was trying to make her have a baby. “I’m sorry.”  
“For?” Matthew looked up, locking his phone.   
“I don’t know what I did.” Mary swallowed, feeling tears in her eyes forming as she looked away from Matthew. “Why has this been so rough? I just want her to be alright.”  
“Mary…” Matthew frowned, jumping up from the chair in the corner and moving to sit by her bedside. “I’m sorry that this has been tough, but you didn’t do anything wrong.”  
“He’s right.” Dr. Morrison’s voice interrupted them as the door opened to the room and a woman with snow white hair and thick red glasses walked in, closing the door behind her. She held up a chart as she approached the bed. “Mary, you are showing signs of preterm labor. I am sorry I didn’t say anything after the ultrasound and exam, but I wanted to get your blood tests back. The blood looks good, no infections. The nurse took your blood pressure, but I assume it’s a bit high today due to stress. Hospitals can be scary.”  
“So she’s having a baby today?” Matthew’s eyes widened, visibly nervous. “Olivia will be born today.”  
“Not necessarily.” Dr. Morrison replied, approaching the bed. “We have a few things to go over. You have started to dilate, but not much at all. Some women dilate early and nothing changes and they make it the whole time, however when you got here you were having contractions ever nine minutes. That means your body is trying to have a baby. Along with the contractions, the constant low backache, cramps, spotting…it’s all a sign of preterm labor.”  
“So, we’re having a baby…” Mary whispered as she began to cry.   
“There are ways to try and stop it.” Dr. Morrison explained, walking over to a counter top and sitting her chart down. “I want to delay the contractions by giving you a tocolytic medication to temporarily stop them. This is only meant to delay them, but there has been some luck in stopping them all together. Regardless, each day that we can keep her baking inside the better.”  
“And if the medicine works?” Matthew asked as Mary felt him stroke her hair.   
“For now, lets take it day by day. I want to try and get Mary to thirty-six weeks. Right now, that is our goal.” Dr. Morrison continued, walking over to the fetal heart monitor. “Mary, the baby would most likely be fine if we had to deliver today, but she’s already on the small side. I will be giving you some medication to help her lungs and protect her brain. The magnesium can only be given to you for a few days due to the its nasty side effects. If we can stop the labor, we’ll evaluate if she needs to stay here until delivery or return home. For now, lets try to keep Olivia inside as long as possible.”  
“Why is this happening?” Mary cried and she felt Matthew pull her into his side. “I did what I was told, I tried really hard to make…”  
“Mary.” Dr. Morrison moved to sit at the side of the bed, reaching for Mary’s hand. “You did nothing wrong. I know how this all started and domestic violence can increase the risk of preterm labor. You got out in the beginning of your pregnancy, but the trauma can have lasting effects. This is not your fault. The beginning of your pregnancy was difficult to say the least and the trauma, the fact that you’ve managed to have a successful pregnancy is huge. The file said you had experienced several blows and one of them was to the stomach. You’re very lucky, but I am not surprised that we would end up treating an early labor.”  
“You’re not?” Mary bit her lip as she tried to stop her tears.   
“Not at all.” Dr. Morrison sighed, reaching for her hand. “But I am confident that whether we deliver her today or in a week or in a few weeks, she will be alright. We just need to try to keep her in as long as we can. So, I want to start with the Magnesium as that allows for the contractions to slow and could delay the labor. You’re barely dilated, so I am hopeful. Still there can be side effects so we will be monitoring you and the baby very closely.”  
“Okay.” Mary sniffled, nodding and looking at Matthew.   
“What kind of side effects from this Magnesium?” Matthew frowned. “Is it really okay for her?”  
“It is okay for a short window of time. It won’t be longer than a few days.” Dr. Morrison answered, standing up from the bed. “The side effects can be hot flashes, exhaustion, nausea, vomiting, dizziness…blurred vision and…”  
“Oh God.” Matthew replied, as Mary squeezed his hand. Mary winced, leaning forward as she felt a contraction return. She closed her eyes, trying to breathe as the pain shot up her side. “What’s happening? Her pain had stopped.”  
“She’s having a contraction.” Dr. Morrison looked over at the monitor, running her hand along the paper as it was being printed. “Her first dose of medication has worn off and the contractions returned. We tried a tiny bit to see if there was any impact. Let me get someone in here right away with the magnesium. Now we know we can at least delay them, but we don’t know how long we can stop them for. I’ll be right back.”  
“Matthew…” Mary breathed as the contraction passed through her body and she moved her hand to the bottom of her stomach. Dr. Morrison left them alone in the room as she dropped her head back against the pillow. “She’s trying to come. It’s too early.”  
“I know.” Matthew sat back down, pressing a kiss to her cheek before taking her hand. “Dr. Morrison and everyone here is going to help you. They’re going to do everything they can to keep her in there.”  
“And if she comes?” Mary felt tears returning as Matthew kissed her hand.   
“Then she comes.” Matthew shrugged as he smiled tiredly at her. “And we take care of her and then she comes home…we start our life with her.”  
“I just don’t want her to be sick” Mary whispered through her tears, wondering how Matthew was staying so calm even if she knew he was worried. “I want her to be alright.”  
“She will be.” He whispered.   
“You don’t understand.” Mary pushed herself up despite the aching in her back. “She has to be okay. We finally get to be together without anyone stopping anything…including me and we’re going to have Olivia and she’s going to have us and we love her so much. Everything was supposed to be fine from here.”  
“Mary…darling. Don’t work yourself up.” Matthew moved a hand to her back and she knew she needed to calm down for a moment. “Everything is going to be okay, but you’re getting worked up and that’s going to make things worse.”  
“I’m so stupid…” She cried, shaking her head. “If I would have left Carlisle or never married him….”  
“Mary.” Matthew moved his finger over lips and smiled weakly. “I know right now this is big and scary. There are machines and they’re not just looking at you anymore. They’re beeping over you and Olivia. That seems like a lot but after everything you’ve…we’ve had thrown at us. We’ve got this.”   
“Why are you always so confident?” Mary wasn’t sure how she would get through this without Matthew. She hated admitting weakness, but he was able to find it and calm her even when things seemed impossible. “You never doubt?”  
“Not when it comes to you.” He whispered and small smile escaped her salty lips. She didn’t know how he did it, but he made it seem like everything was going to be fine. “And not when it comes to Olivia.”  
“I just want her to be fine. When its all said and done.” Mary nodded as her stomach began to twist. There was so much that came out during therapy and there was something she hadn’t told him. Something that would break her heart to say, but she had been urged to share. Dr. Morrison reminded her of a past pain when she acknowledged her attack. “I just want her to be healthy and safe…and happy.”   
“I know and she will be.” Matthew squeezed her hand and Mary looked down, shaking her head.   
“You don’t understand.” She said, moving her hand over his, taking the control. “Matthew, the day that Carlisle tried…the day he beat me…he told me that I would never get to meet my baby. He hit me in the stomach and said a baby would never survive that. That my bastard child would meet the fate of one and that we were lucky. That if the baby died, we wouldn’t have any problems. I didn’t understand.”  
“Mary, Carlisle is a terrible person but you know now that.” Matthew stopped her, but she squeezed his hand.  
“Deep down, I was so worried about us but I also was so scared that it would be my fault if one day I came in for an appointment and they told me something was wrong with her.” Mary began to sob, her arm shaking. “Or that she was gone and now suddenly I’m having early contractions and what if that’s what he meant? What if him hitting me in the stomach did something to her?”  
“Mary.” He sat up, moving his hand to her neck and shaking his head. “No…he couldn’t have. They would have known something back in the hospital. Your pregnancy hasn’t had any indicators that something went wrong and you know Dr. Morrison said you were very lucky.”  
“But he said…”  
“His words mean nothing.” Matthew replied, kissing her cheek. He pressed his face against hers before speaking to her again. “He has no control over anything anymore. It’s done Mary. You know that. He has no control over you or Olivia. He’s gone.”  
“He’s gone…” She whispered. She knew he was right and she just had to calm down. Carlisle had no more power; they had determined that. Except she had gotten scared, because the fear of something happening to her baby scared her. Mary took a deep breath as she felt pain shooting up her sides again. “Matthew…”  
“Contraction?” Matthew whispered as she squeezed his hand even harder than she intended.   
“Sorry.” She gasped.   
“It’s okay. It’s what my hand is for.” He smiled, pressing a kiss to the temple of her head. She was safe with him, she knew that. He was never going to leave her or Olivia. She knew that. It wasn’t a question in her mind anymore. She also knew that deep down, Richard Carlisle had no control over her or her little girl. She and Matthew would do anything to protect her inside or outside of the womb. That meant that they would listen to the doctor’s and take any of the steps required to make sure that she arrived safe and healthy. She was terrified. She could admit that which is why it was important that he knew Carlisle’s words had haunted her mind today. Since the contractions had started, the intentions of Carlisle hit hard. She knew he was out of her life, but there were moments where his words would haunt her. Especially when it came to Olivia. He had no legal hold over her child and she was sure he would leave them alone. She wasn’t afraid of Carlisle coming after her child, because he had nothing to benefit from her. Olivia was useless to him, but she was everything to Matthew. And she was Mary’s world. Or at least the biggest part of it. So now she had to focus. Focus on keeping her little one safe and healthy so that she could enter the world the way she was meant to. To open arms who couldn’t wait to hold her.


	44. Chapter 44

Matthew considered himself to be one of the luckiest men on the planet. No matter what had happened in the past, his life was amazing. Even with the preterm labor scare, he couldn’t complain. Dr. Morrison said that Olivia was doing great with the medicine they were giving Mary. It was common for the baby’s to be a bit tired and loopy even inside the womb, but her heart rate had stayed strong through the two days that Mary had been on the Magnesium. When it came to Mary, she was taking the brunt of the impact from the medication and Matthew couldn’t be prouder of her. Through it all, she stayed strong. The worst side affect had been the blurry eyes and the nausea. Unfortunately, her appetite had diminished throughout the second day. Still, she had been in great spirits considering the whole thing. Matthew knew that when they took her off the medication, they would know whether or not Olivia would have to come soon and Mary had come to terms with it. She was amazing. After everything she had been through, she was shining. She hadn’t complained once about the discomfort that the medicine caused, but instead she just encouraged whatever needed to be done. It was moments like this, that not being married to her was pointless. They deserved to be united as one. It sounded insane to say whenever he was with Mary, kissing her, making love to her and just being with her never seemed like enough. They couldn’t seem to get close enough. Now, he was sitting next to her in her bed as she curled into his chest. Even in the small hospital bed, she wanted him right there and he was okay with that. So, he would sit there, browsing his phone and looking at the ring he had bought her a month ago. It was sitting at home in the safe in his office, waiting for the moment for him to ask. He originally was going to wait a while. He’d possibly ask shortly after Olivia was born, involving her somehow. He could still do that, but while she was sleeping it was fun to look at the ring. Imaging what she would say or what she would think of it filled his thoughts. Anna had gone with him, even though hiding anything from Mary proved to be a challenge. There were plenty of times she had nearly figured it out. Once a bank statement came and she nearly saw it listed right on top, another time when she asked to keep one of her grandmother’s jewels in the safe and tried to find the code for it. Still, one day they would make this official and he couldn’t wait.   
“What is that?” He heard her whisper tiredly and he jumped, minimizing the screen on his phone.   
“What is what?” Matthew asked, placing a soft kiss on her braided hair.   
“What were you looking at?” She asked as she let out a light yawn. “I just saw a shiny blob or something.”  
“Says the girl with the blurry eyesight.” Matthew teased, silently thankful for the medicine messing with her vision. It sounded terrible to say, but it came in handy just for the moment. “How are you feeling?”  
“Seasick.” Mary sighed tiredly, clutching her stomach.   
“Poor girl.” He sighed, kissing her head again and putting the phone down to his side. He moved his fingers to her cheeks, feeling how warm they were. Another side effect of the drug helping her. “You look good.”  
“Well thanks.” She giggled tiredly, keeping her eyes closed. It was easier for her nausea if she closed her eyes most of the time, which then lead her to feeling sleepier than she already was. As she dozed off again quickly, the door opened and in came a woman wearing scrubs and a ponytail.   
“Hi, I’m your evening nurse.” The woman smiled, walking over to her IV. “How are you feeling? Do you need something else for nausea?”  
“If I could have something, that would be great.” Mary breathed, blinking her eyes a bunch and Matthew couldn’t help but smile. “If it’s okay for the baby.”  
“I can get you something that will be suitable.” The nurse smiled. “I will talk to the doctor. She also wants me to start tapering you off of the magnesium so that we can see how you do.”  
“To see if the contractions stop?” Matthew asked, stroking her hair. He prayed that they stopped, but if they didn’t, they knew their baby had a high chance or survival, but she would likely spend more time in the hospital.   
“Yes.” The nurse replied, checking the monitor beside the bed before adjusting some things near her IV. He knew Mary was watching, wishing she could fully see everything and even more so, understand the steps they were taking. Still she smiled kindly and let the nurse work. “No contractions today. So, the meds are currently doing their job. Let’s see what happens as we take you off of them. Eyes still blurry?”  
“Yeah.” Mary breathed as the nurse pulled out a battery-operated thermometer to check her temperature, a frequent check since she’d been in the hospital. “Temperature?”  
“Nope.” The nurse grinned, before stepping away from the bed. “I will be back shortly with something to help with the nausea.”  
“Then maybe she can keep food down.” Matthew replied, his voice hopeful. Mary had last tried to eat at breakfast with little success.   
“Actually, Dr. Morrison wants her stomach empty until after we determine if the labor stopped when we get her off the medication.” The nurse explained, writing something on Mary’s chart. “If the labor starts back up, she’ll have to determine the next steps and if they have to deliver, they won’t want you eating right away.”  
“Oh.” Matthew frowned, but when he looked at Mary she just nodded along patiently.   
“I can bring her clear stuff like broth for now.” The nurse offered.  
“I don’t need anything right now.” Mary shrugged, her voice hopeful much to Matthew’s relief.   
“I’ll be back soon.” The nurse smiled, before sliding her chart in the door and closing the door behind her.   
Matthew moved his hand over Mary’s lacing his fingers in hers as he realized she was quickly dozing off again. Her porcelain skin soft below his hands that had become a bit rough since working on the house too much. Just the day before she went into preterm labor, Mary had been teasing him about taking too long to hang some shelves in the baby’s closet and after making love in the hallway, he happily obliged to finish her shelves. She was perfect and, in this moment, he just wanted to hold her here. There was nothing that would tear them apart and nothing could take away form how special this moment was. The moment when he could just hold her and listen to her light little breaths as she slept. Except he had to talk to her and he needed to ask her something. “Mary.”  
“Hmm…” She breathed, shifting next to him in the bed that was too small for the both of them.   
“Wake up.”  
“Why?” She groaned as he helped her position to sitting up in the bed. “What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing.” Matthew sat forward, taking her head. “What you saw on my phone, it wasn’t a nothing. It was something.”  
“I don’t understand.” She looked confused squinting her eyes.   
“It’s time we live our lives together, as one. Not as two people just in a relationship?” Matthew breathed, taking her hands and squeezing them lightly before kissing her cheek. “Mary…”  
“Are you….”  
“That was a ring on my phone.” He said as he felt his voice crack. He had dreamt of this moment, thought of it a million times and none of them went like this. “A ring that is at home, already. It’s a ring I bought for you.”  
“Okay…” Her eyes began to water, surely making it more difficult to see as she bit her lip. “I…are you…”  
“I would get on one knee, but then you won’t be able to see me.” He said, laughing as she began to cry. “Don’t cry…”  
“I always cry no.” She smiled through her tears, as he tugged a bit at her hands.   
“Mary, will you do me the honor of being my wife?” He asked, a tear escaping his eyes as he asked the woman of his dreams to be with him forever.   
“Yes.” She cried and laughed, nodding excitedly as he leaned forward, slamming his lips into hers. He wanted to pick her up, twirl her around the room but that was kind of impossible right now. She cried, kissing him back even though it was with a little bit less energy that she was used to. “Matthew!”  
“Yeah?” He laughed, wrapping his arms around her as she leaned forward in the bed.   
“When this medicine wears off…can I see the ring?” Mary giggled, placing a kiss on his neck.   
“Yes.” He laughed, kissing her again, the woman he would get to kiss forever. For the rest of his life, she would be who he kissed at night and somehow the way their proposal was still special, with the two of them and Olivia right there in the middle. “I imagined doing this so many different ways, but I couldn’t keep it in any longer.”  
“I’m glad you asked today…and we’ll always have a story about how I wanted to throw up and I couldn’t see you very well.” Mary giggled, wrapping her arms around him. He could tell she was happy, even not feeling her best. And maybe it was a piece of mind, even if she never said anything. He couldn’t wait to make her his wife and to make sure that Olivia was always his little girl. “I wouldn’t change it.”  
“You wouldn’t?” He asked, sitting right back down next to her, lacing his fingers back with her small ones. “Not even the nausea?”  
“Well, maybe just the nausea.” She giggled, wiping at her eyes. “We’re going to be married.”  
“We’re going to be married.” He nodded, kissing her again. “You’re going to be stuck with me.”  
“Perfect.” She whispered against his lips. It was perfect. It was all they needed. It should have been a more formal proposal with some grand gesture and the ring in front of her except as he sat there and listened and watched her sleep, he couldn’t let it go by unknown anymore. They were living their life together and he needed to ask her. Their relationship had moved too fast in a way and not fast enough at the same time. It had been well past time to ask. He needed to make her his wife, even if he knew it most likely wouldn’t happen for a while. They could figure out the adoption if they had to, but the family lawyers had already said they could write his name in since Carlisle had withdrawn his rights. They would have a few other legal steps to take, but since the baby was going to be so young and Carlisle was completely removed from the picture, it would be easier than most situations. Olivia would only ever know a world where he was her father and he couldn’t wait. Mary was going to be his wife. She had said yes. He was going to have Mary as his wife. Truly, it was all he had ever wanted. And as the machine made a quiet noise and her body tensed, he knew she was going to be okay no matter what happened.


	45. Chapter 45

Mary opened her eyes to find her mother sitting at her bedside, a site she had seen several times months before. Except this time, she was here so Matthew could go catch a shower and pick some things up from home. Dr. Morrison was relieved that Mary’s contractions had slowed and become inconsistent again, but they were still occurring. They had tried another drug to slow them again which helped, but each time they eased off the medication she was right where they had started. Dr. Morrison told Matthew it might be a good idea to get away for a bit, because they would be deciding how to move forward soon. So now, Cora was sitting on her bed and smiling as she adjusted to being awake. She wasn’t one who liked admitting when she needed her mother, but having her there made this okay. Matthew was amazing, but sometimes a girl just needs her Mom and Mary was relieved to have her by her side. “I think they’re going to make her come today.”  
“I do too.” Cora whispered, smiling even though Mary knew she was filled with worry. “However, I’m not afraid to admit that this is less scary than when you were nearly dying in a hospital bed. The odds are in my granddaughter’s favor and I know we will get through this.”  
“But she’ll be tiny.” Mary whispered as her mother took her hand. “Too small to come home in a few days. It could be weeks.”  
“And she has a family who will be with her every step of the way.” Cora assured her, taking her hand. “Dr. Morrison is confident that she will be just fine, but nonetheless none of us will rest until she’s strong. Including two grandmother’s who are ready to be an advocate for her.”  
“I just want her to be alright.” Mary whispered for the hundredth time in a few days. It was something that she kept saying out loud, hoping that it would come true. “I know it’s so early.”  
“I know.” Cora sighed, moving her hand over Mary’s stomach. “She’s just ready. It sounds like she’s decided to make a grand entrance. Must take after her mother.”  
“I’ve never been one to do things quietly.” Mary sighed proudly, before the pain shot up her leg. “Oh…”  
“Oh Mary…” Cora’s face filled with concern as Mary squeezed her hand, feeling a bit guilty about the strength she was putting into it.   
“I know you’ll be glad to have your hand back once Matthew returns.” Mary breathed as the contraction passed and she let go of Cora’s fan and looked at her hand. “Mama…I’m so sorry.”  
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” Cora replied, stretching her hand out as she turned around for a moment. Mary figured she was probably wincing in pain, because that was the first time a contraction had hurt so bad, that she knew she was hurting whoever’s hand she was squeezing. Matthew had a stronger hand, she knew that, but before she could say anything else, Cora turned around with a smile on her face as if nothing had happened, reassuring Mary. “Mary, if that little girl comes today, she’s going to share a birthday with your father. Now I don’t know if you’ve thought of this, but he’s going to be extremely proud and never let you forget this amazing moment that’s been blessed upon him.”  
“Oh Papa.” Mary giggled tiredly, her entire body tight from the pain that was making its way back. “He would get excited about a coincidence like that.”  
“A happy coincidence it would be.” Cora replied with a coy smile on her face and Mary felt something in her body undo itself. It was like pressure had been relieved and then she wondered why her legs were wet.   
“Will be.” Mary whispered, staring straight ahead as she tried to straighten her body up in bed, unsure of what to do.   
“Will be what?” Cora frowned, rushing back to her bedside from the corner of the room.   
“When Matthew texted you a moment ago…I know, because I saw you check your phone.” Mary began rambling, feeling her cheeks get warm. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to stand up, stay seated or call for the nurse. “Where was he? He’s been gone a while.”  
“Mary…”  
“Where is he?” Mary felt herself panic as she tried to feel around for her phone before Cora handed her the iPhone. “Has he called?”  
“He’s on his way back.” Cora’s eyes went wide as Mary furiously unlocked her phone. “He texted to ask if I wanted him to pick up any coffee or tea about twenty minutes ago. Mary, what’s wrong?”  
“Why am I wet?” Mary asked, panicking as she pushed her blankets off of her legs and gasped. “Did I…. use the restroom on myself?”  
“No.” Cora gasped, sitting on the chair by Mary’s bedside and taking her hand and pressing the button for the nurse on the remote. “Mary, your water broke.”  
“Oh.” She breathed, suddenly feeling a bit better that that it was baby related and not a question of her own control. Only now, she was pretty sure this meant there would definitely be a baby today. Ten weeks early and on her father’s birthday. “Oh Mama…”  
“Mary.” A nurse stepped into the room, looking back and forth from Cora to Mary. “You rang?”  
“Yes.” Mary nodded, trying to sound calm. “It appears my water has broken. I felt some pressure then all this sudden just…water.”  
“Well, alright.” The nurse smiled, keeping calm and Mary wondered how she kept her composure in the face of urgency. “Well, Dr. Morrison is finishing up with another patient so let me go get her. She’ll be right in as soon as I get her.”   
“Alright.” Mary nodded, her hands moving to her stomach as the nurse stepped out of the room.   
“Well, I don’t think she will have much to think about” Cora laughed, taking her daughter’s hand. “It sounds like Olivia has made up her mind. She wants to come early.”  
“Stressing me out already.” Mary breathed as the door opened and Matthew walked in and a weight felt removed from her chest. “Oh Matthew…”  
“Hey you.” Matthew smiled, walking in with a tray of team for Cora and him. “I would have been back sooner, my mother called. She will come buy tonight to visit.”  
“Alright.” Mary nodded, looking down at her round stomach. Her stomach that big, but not big enough.   
“Well are you going to tell him?” Cora asked, giving her daughter a demanding look as Mary stroked her stomach nervously.   
“Tell me what?” Matthew laughed as Mary covered her legs again. “Oh, they’re not putting you on the drugs again that make you practically blind, right? You were miserable. I thought they couldn’t do it again.”  
“Stop.” Mary put her hand up as Cora stood up and smiled. She looked up at her mother who smiled warmly at her, kissing the top of her head before smiling weakly at Matthew, her hand touching his shoulder before she left. Now they were alone and Matthew was staring at her, a bit confused. “Matthew, I’m waiting on Dr. Morrison to come in. My water broke.”  
“It what?” Matthew’s eyes went wide, looking back at the door Cora had closed then back at Mary. “What do you mean it broke?”  
“Matthew, you’ve been reading more books than I have.” Mary replied as he approached the bed. “It means it broke. It means Olivia can’t possibly wait to come another day. She won’t wait.”  
“She’s coming today?” Matthew asked, as the door opened and Dr. Morrison looked in. “Hello Doctor.”  
“Hello Matthew…Mary.” Dr. Morrison nodded, stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. She then closed the blinds on the door, before walking over to the wall to grab a pair of gloves. “Mary, are you still feeling contractions?”  
“A bit.” Mary answered as the doctor moved the bed around to examine her, helping her move her legs. “They haven’t been too consistent.”  
“That can happen sometimes, even once the water breaks” Dr. Morrison explained, sliding over to the end of the table on a stool. Matthew moved to stand at the top of the bed, Mary sliding her hand into his. “Other than the water breaking and the sporadic contractions, how are you feeling?”  
“My back is aching quite a bit.” Mary responded, gesturing to her lower back as Dr. Morrison began to examine her. “But I haven’t had a contraction in a bit.”  
“She threw up a few hours ago, she hasn’t eaten.” Matthew replied, looking down at Mary. “Unless you finally got to eat something when your mother was here.”  
“I haven’t eaten.” Mary confirmed.   
“Well, we’re having a baby today.” Dr. Morrison replied as she examined Mary, looking up at the both of them. “Since you’ve had a few medications to slow contractions and it’s fairly early, I would feel better if we delivered via cesarean section.”  
“I wanted to have her naturally.” Mary’s eyes went wide, looking up at Matthew than back to her doctor. “Do I have to? If you’re worried about my energy I don’ think that will be a problem.”  
“Mary, the tocolytic drugs that we gave you helped delay the delivery by a few days but they can cause other side effects. After examining you, I’d suggest that we do a c-section to make this delivery as smooth as possible.” Dr. Morrison replied, rolling away from Mary, standing up and tossing her gloves in the trash. “Your body has been through so much from the start, it really would be best.”  
“Okay…” Mary breathed, nodding lightly. “I just want whatever is best for her.”  
“Of course.” Dr. Morrison nodded, looking down at her watch. “I have a scheduled c-section very soon. I will have the nurses come get you ready here soon and we’ll have the remaining team come by before rolling you in. It will be about an hour or two before we get her out.”  
“Wow.” Matthew replied, squeezing Mary’s hand lightly. “So, Olivia is coming today.”  
“She is.” Dr. Morrison smiled weakly. “Now, I will give you guys some warnings. When she gets out, she’ll be immediately handed to a team trained in treating premature babies. They’ll check her vitals and determine what she needs. You won’t get to hold her right away. She’s ten weeks early so they’ll rush and make sure that she gets everything the way she needs. As soon as we get you cleaned up and she’s stable, we’ll bring you to see her.”  
“Oh.” Mary looked down, stroking her stomach. She wondered what it would be like, having her baby out of her body but unsure of what to think about her being out of sight. “And then I can hold her?”  
“Mary.” Dr. Williamson walked to her bedside, making eye contact with Matthew. “Olivia will be quite small. It may be a little bit before you can touch or hold her. We will play it by ear, but for now lets just focus on getting her delivered safely.”  
“Mary, it’s going to be alright.” Matthew whispered before turning to the doctor. “And how long until she comes home?”  
“Step by step.” Dr. Morrison sighed, putting her hand on Mary’s. “Mary, your baby has a great chance at survival, but I don’t want to promise you times and days right now. I want to get her here safely then work on getting her home. You and Olivia will be my top priority when we walk into that operating room.”  
“Okay…” Mary tried to nod confidently, but she wasn’t sure where her head was right now. “And we’ll do the c-section once you’re done with your scheduled c-section?”  
“Yes.” Dr. Morrison nodded, looking back towards the door and then to the clock on the wall. “Which means, I should get going now, but someone will be in soon to start prepping you.”  
“And can I be int here with her?” Matthew asked, stepping forward quickly. “I can’t leave her.”  
“Of course. Dad’s are welcomed in the delivery room.” Dr. Morrison winked, before walking out of the room and closing the door behind her.   
“So, she’s coming today.” Matthew nodded, leaning forward and kissing Mary on the cheek. “She’s coming.”  
“Too early.” Mary whispered, leaning into his hand as he kissed her head. She didn’t want to worry. In the back of her mind, she knew that preterm labor was possible with any pregnancy. It was something that doctors had mentioned to her occasionally, but there had never been a real heavy concern for it. Except now, it was happening. She was having a little girl, just ten weeks early. She was scared and the look on Matthew’s face said he was scared to. They were terrified, but she knew that Olivia could get through this and that her mother was right, they were going to get her through this. Olivia had a family of people that loved her and their love was going to make her the happiest little girl in the world. One day.


	46. Chapter 46

As people swarmed around the operating room, Matthew sat by Mary’s head, holding her hand. They had given her plenty of medication to number lower body and placed a sort of curtain to block off the ability to see what the doctor was doing. He had to admit that he was happy about that, as he wasn’t sure what it would be like to see a surgeon cut into Mary. His nerves already had him feeling a bit queasy which was unusual, but he felt like it had something to do with having the woman he cared about being cut open. Her hand shook in his, which distracted him. All of the medication that had previously been admitted to her and just prior to the surgery had given her the jitters. Dr. Morrison had warned him that her teeth would likely chatter and that she may have some side effects. However, in his mind she was doing so well. From the moment he had met her back in the room after putting on the scrubs, she had been quiet. Just little one-word answers as he held her hand, occasionally stroking her cheeks and forehead. She was beautiful. Even as her teeth chattered, she was trying to stay strong and occasionally looking up to ask him if he was alright. He’d chuckle and look down at her, to remind her that she was the one having surgery. The room was loud, but quiet at the same time as the doctor’s worked on her lower body. Matthew stroked her cheek, before leaning over and pressing a soft kiss next to her ear. “You’re doing amazing.”  
“I’m lying here doing nothing.” Mary shivered, her hand shaking in his grasp.   
“But you’re doing it so well.” He laughed against her temple as the doctor and nurses began to move around quite a bit.   
“What’s happening?” She asked, looking up at him even as her teeth chattered. She too was nervous, but she wasn’t going to say anything to him. He knew that.   
“Mary…Matthew…” Dr. Morrison spoke for the first time in minutes as she worked. “Her hair is dark.”  
“It is?” Mary asked, squeezing his hand as a nurse handed her a mask to breathe into.   
“Like yours.” Matthew breathed and moments later, Dr. Morrison held up a tiny little baby who immediately began crying. The cry was light, a bit hoarse as the baby’s skin turned red. “Oh Mary…”  
“She’s crying.” Mary cried herself, trying to lift her head, but she wasn’t able to move much at all.   
“I see those steroids on the lungs helped.” Dr. Morrison chuckled as she handed the baby to a nurse who went to work with a team to help their little one. Matthew could no longer see the baby as a group of people swarmed in and got to work. “Now Mary, I’m just reminding you that they will be working on her for a bit. She’s breathing, but she’s little so they’re going to get her settled and into an incubator.”  
“An incubator?” Mary frowned, her head shaking and she burst into tears. “No…Matthew why is…”  
“Hey.” Matthew leaned down to her face, his hands clutching her cheeks and his nose against hers. “They told us about it before the c-section. Remember? It’s to help her along, but you heard that cry. She’s here Mary.”  
“She’s here.” She nodded as they heard her cry again and they couldn’t help but smile. “She’s loud.”  
“She is.” Matthew finally put his hands on his face, realizing that he had been crying too. “She’s perfect.”  
“Mary?” A voice interrupted them as a nurse stepped forward with a baby in a little bed. “We’re about to take her upstairs, but if you look over here you can get another look at her.”  
“Oh…thank you.” Mary breathed, her hand shaking as she squeezed Matthew’s hand and they both looked over at the baby. Matthew knew she was little, but her hair was dark brown and her legs were thin. She looked like her mother; he knew that much. She already resembled her so much and Matthew couldn’t stop smiling. “Matthew.”  
“She’s perfect.” Matthew nodded as the nurse rolled the baby out of the operating room. The doctor worked to stitch Mary up, letting her know that she would then be in recovery for at least an hour, before being taken up to her room. Matthew made it a point to ask the doctor if it was still normal for Mary to be shaky and it was. She had also complained of more nausea and the doctors quickly administered something to help her with that. It made her exhausted, and she quickly dozed off, with him holding her hand.   
The passing time seemed like a blur and before they knew it, they were sitting in a corridor that the doctor’s told them was recovery. It was more like a small cubicle where Mary was hooked up to machine’s, the sound of her monitor beeping next to them. She had drifted back to sleep as soon as they set her up there and Matthew couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Everything she had done was amazing. He knew in her mind, she had planned out how she wanted the day her daughter was born to go, but like most everything else, it had been derailed. Their plans weren’t going to be what actually happened. They were used to that now. Every plan they made, fell apart and Matthew was learning that it was alright. Plans were just a sketch of what life could be, but the destination was the most important. Now, he found himself wondering what was going on with their little girl as Mary slept. Was she cold? Was she breathing? She weighed so little, but her lungs seemed to be strong. She screamed almost the entire time in the operating room, which had been the greatest sound. He never knew he could be so grateful for a crying baby. This whole time, he found himself wondering what other parents do when they’re just waiting.   
“Matthew?” He looked up to find a groggy Mary with her hand over her face.   
“Hey.” He smiled, taking her hand into his and squeezing it lightly. “You’re still in recovery. We’ll be in your room soon.”  
“How is she?” Mary whispered, her hand moving over her chest.   
“I haven’t heard anything since they took her, but the doctor said it might be a bit.” Matthew made sure to keep his voice even. He knew it was natural to be worried, but he didn’t want to cause her anymore stress on her body and he trusted the doctors. “I’m sure she’s fine.”  
“I feel empty.” She admitted, her hand moving over her empty stomach. “I don’t like not knowing exactly where she is and how she’s doing. I at least knew where she was when she was attached to me.”  
“We know where she is.” Matthew replied, his thumb circling around the palm of her hand.   
“I know, but I can’t see her.” She said quietly, looking around the small recovery area. “And we know I probably won’t see her today. You looked up everything about premature infants and we know we won’t be able to touch her, at least not today.”  
“And that’s okay.” Matthew assured her as she spoke, almost explaining it to herself in order to not worry. “But I read about skin on skin contact. Some people call it kangaroo care, which sounds quite sweet. It can help with sleeping, bonding with the parents, temperature…. endless benefits it seems.”  
“We need to do it.” Her voice was hopeful as she nodded tiredly. “Whatever helps her along. We should both do it.”  
“We will.” He smiled, standing up to kiss her cheek as she yawned. “But let’s get you settled too. You two will be reunited soon, I’m sure.”  
“I hope so.” Mary sighed, resting her head back against the pillow. “She has a dark hair.”  
“The signature Lady Mary dark hair.” Matthew grinned, kissing her cheek again. Before pushing her hair from her face. “I’m quite fond of it.”  
“I’m glad you are.” She looked up, her hand pressing on his chest. “Matthew.”  
“Yeah?”  
“We have a little girl.” Mary smiled tiredly, before letting out a stifled yawn. “Of our own.”  
“We do.” He couldn’t help but grin. “Olivia Katherine Crawley.”  
“Olivia Katherine.” Mary breathed, her eyes heavy as Matthew chuckled and kissed her lips softly. “She was loud. Is she hungry?”  
“They’ll make sure she isn’t.” Matthew promised. “She can’t suck yet.”  
“When can I pump for her?” Mary’s eyes drifted closed, her hand falling to her waist. “She’s hungry…”  
“When we get you to a room, we can ask about it.” Matthew replied, knowing the nurse mentioned that she was going to have a feeding tube in the beginning. He wasn’t going to mention that to her right now. She was getting comfortable again and dozing off. He didn’t want to irritate her or make her stress. “We will get her your milk as soon as we can.”  
“If we can.”  
“You’ll be able too.” He said confidently, laughing a bit as she dropped her head to the side.   
“Beautiful hair…”  
“Like her mother.” Matthew whispered.   
“She cries loud.” Mary spoke, her voice slurring a bit as she struggled to speak before falling asleep. “Very loud.”  
“She does.” Matthew laughed, kissing her nose before sitting back down next to her and he could tell she was struggling to stay awake. “Close your eyes. Rest until they get here to move you upstairs. We can worry about breast milk and all of that later.”  
“Hmm…okay. Milk later…” She yawned again and he put his elbow up on the side of her bed, resting his hand on his first as he watched her doze off. She was exhausted and he knew why. It made a lot of sense that she would be tired. Her body had been through so much and it had brought them a baby girl with dark hair and loud cries and thin bit long legs. He hadn’t been able to see much more of her, but she was theirs. Olivia Katherine had made her entrance and now they were counting down the moments until they could hold her in their arms. He couldn’t imagine ever wanting to let her go, but he knew he couldn’t wait to take her on walks through he village, watch her pull up on furniture or worry about every little thing she did. The moment they had the chance to hold her, he knew neither one of them would want to let go. He knew the moment Mary could hold her, feed her and cuddle up with her, she was going to be a new woman that he would love even more.


	47. Chapter 47

Olivia had entered this world exactly eighteen hours ago and since then, Mary hadn’t been able to see her. Shortly after she had been delivered, Mary spiked a low fever. While she didn’t appear to have an infection, the doctor’s wanted to wait for tests and an antibiotic. Once they finally determined that it was safe, they cleared Mary, but then Olivia was struggling with a low body temperature. Mary knew that while they had been lucky, Olivia still had a lot to overcome and the low temperature was enough to scare her. She had cried when the doctor’s told her that they were going to delay their first visit down to the Special Care Unit. Matthew had pleaded, but they advised them that it was best to wait a bit. As soon as they were confident, they would bring them in to see her. Now, she was lying back in her bed as Matthew spoke to his mother in the hallway. She hated not being with her baby. Most mothers got to soak up the beginning moments, but Olivia’s were filled with wires and a feeding tube. When Anna had come to visit and Mary was experiencing the low fever, they allowed Anna and Matthew to go down and take plenty of pictures and video. The tubes attached to her baby were small and a nurse even came by to explain what each one was. Anna had promised her that she was perfect and Mary knew she was right. One picture in particular, she couldn’t stop staring at. Her eyes were open and she was clearly staring up at Matthew. It was like Olivia knew that Matthew was her father and that was enough to make Mary cry. It was probably the way the photo was positioned, but still it was her favorite. In all the others, the small baby was sleeping but it was like she just wanted to look at her father for a moment. She smiled, running her finger over the picture, before setting it to her phone lock screen. It would be replaced eventually, by a different photo but for now she loved it. She had several restrictions due to her c-section, but none of them mattered. The doctors had already urged her to start pumping, advising her that the small amount of antibiotics was okay. It wasn’t a concern and they would start supplementing it into the tube feeds until she was big and mature enough to breastfeed. She looked up as Matthew entered the room, smiling tiredly. “How is your mother?”  
“Excited.” Matthew laughed, holding up his phone before sitting it down on the light wooden dresser in the room. “She’s called all of her friends and sent them all the pictures. She just wants you to be able to see her. She said that the moment you see her, it will be unlike anything you’ve ever imagined.”  
“I just need her temperature to raise.” Mary sighed, locking her phone and dropping her phone to her side. She closed her eyes for a moment as Matthew sat down beside her, clutching her hand. Her hand stayed just below her empty stomach, protecting this time the wound from the delivery. He could tell it was bothering her, but that she didn’t care. She just wanted to see her baby. “I love the picture where she’s looking at you.”  
“I do too.” Matthew couldn’t help but grin, moving to sit on the side of her bed. “She looks just like you Mary. I mean just like you.”  
“I’m glad she doesn’t look like…him.” Mary admitted, opening her eyes. “I mean if she did or she grows to look like him…whatever. It doesn’t matter. I just am glad she has my hair color.”  
“She’s perfect.” He squeezed her hand, before lifting it and pressing a soft kiss to her fingers. “Anna said her nose is her best feature. It’s a tiny little button nose. She compared it to a kitten.”  
“I’m glad you took Anna down.” Mary said softly. Cora, Isobel and Robert had all agreed that they would wait until the next morning to visit. They wanted to give her time to get settled and have more time out of surgery. That being said, Mary and Matthew had decided that since Anna was going to come bring them some of their things, she would go down with Matthew to take some photos that she could send back to the family and staff. “Mama was glad that you sent the pictures Anna took for us. She said it will hold her over until morning. Although Papa still plans on singing her Happy Birthday.”  
“She’ll be a full day-old tonight.” Matthew breathed and Mary almost couldn’t believe it herself. “How does it even go that fast?”  
“I don’t know.” Mary shook her head in disbelief, wondering how much had changed since she had entered the world.   
“Mary?” The door opened and new nurse with bright red hair walked in, rolling a wheel chair into the room. “The neonatal department sent me to get you. They know they said it might be a bit, but they wanted to know if you wanted to come see Olivia? Maybe some skin on skin, if you’re ready? The doctor said she’s stable enough if you want to see her.”  
“She is?” Mary felt her face light up, as she sat up quickly, but winced in pain from her incision. “I can see her? I want to. Take me to her, please.”  
“Be careful.” Matthew leaned forward, helping her shift in her bed and Mary was reminded that she had experienced a major surgery. “The doctor really said we could come see her and that Mary would touch her?”  
“Yes, and the doctors will go over more with you two.” The nurse put the brakes on the wheelchair in front of the bed, before moving to help Mary pull her legs over the side of the bed. She then pulled for her IV bag, attaching it to the pole on the wheel chair. “But we all agreed, she needs her mother to love on her.”  
“I couldn’t agree more.” Matthew said, before exchanging glances with the nurse. “And I think her mother needs it too.”  
“Mothers usually do.” The nurse replied, holding Mary’s arm as she slid into the wheel chair and put her arms on the rails. The nurse adjusted her rob, helping her sit up properly. “You ready?”  
“Yeah…” Mary breathed, looking up at Matthew and she was pretty sure that he could tell she was nervous. She didn’t think that she would be nervous to actually meet her daughter. She kind of had imagined this moment going differently, except now she was going to meet her baby who was too far under two kilograms. As the nurse rolled her out of the room, she instructed Matthew to remember a bag of things they had brought for Olivia. If she was going to be in a separate area, away from them, she still needed her things. She deserved to have her own hat and blanket. Maybe her own socks. Matthew followed her as the nurse pushed into the elevator and pressed the number for the proper floor. Mary looked at her hand that was shaking, before looking up at Matthew who smiled down at her. She was nervous. The whole pregnancy, she had been filled with nerves, but this was different. She just wanted to see her baby, because she needed to see if she was alright.   
As they departed off the elevator, the nurse pushed her down a boring looking corridor before scanning her badge and leading her into another room and then made a left into a small corner with what she felt looked like an acrylic box in the corner with lights over it. That couldn’t be it. Except something told her it was, even though she couldn’t quite see anything inside of it yet. The nurse stopped, before walking over to an Asian woman in a lab coat, smiling before walking over with her. “Mary this Dr. Lee. She’s going to be overseeing Olivia while you’re here.”  
“Mary…Matthew.” The woman extended her hand, shaking both of their hands before crossing her arms. “Congratulations.”  
“Thank you.” Matthew nodded, his hand moving to Mary’s shoulder. “Is she alright?”  
“She’s doing amazing, considering how early she was born.” Dr. Lee sounded pleased, gesturing for the nurse to roll Mary over to the incubator. “She’s less than a kilo and a half, which is small. She has a lot of weight to gain, but I expect that to increase once she starts getting more through her feeding tube. The lactation consultant mentioned that you were starting pump and that will help tremendously.”  
“But she’s doing well?” Mary breathed.   
“She is, but there are still a few areas of concern.” Dr. Lee explained as the moved in front of the small baby. Mary couldn’t believe how little she was, her little legs kicking as the doctor stuck her finger into a little hole on the side of the machine. “Her heart rate is irregular right now, but that is pretty normal right now. She stops breathing from time to time, but if you flick her foot or hand, she’ll start back up. When they’re this little, they can forget sometimes.”  
“She forgets to breathe?” Mary’s eyes widened, looking away from the pink little baby and up at the doctor. “Why?”  
“It happens when they’re this little.” Dr. Lee promised and pointed to a monitor. “Some of these wires monitor her heart rate. So, we always know if it stops. She’s had a couple of alarms go off, but I suspect as her body matures it will go away. I know it seems scary, but its normal.”  
“Okay…” Mary breathed as the nurse brought over some antibacterial gel and a rag.   
“I know it isn’t easy to get to the sink, so let’s get your hands clean to touch her.” The nurse replied, helping Mary clean her hands as the doctor continued.   
“The next major issue, is her body temperature. It is quite low, but since she’s considered stable, I want to get skin on skin contact going as soon as possible.” Dr. Lee explained, nodding at another nurse who walked in and moved to open the incubator. “I’m sure you have read about the benefits.”  
“We have.” Matthew nodded, sliding his hand into his pockets nervously as the two nurses worked to arrange the wires attached to the baby.   
“Well, it helps with warming her up, but it also helps with her heartbeat, weight gain and breastfeeding.” Dr. Lee advised. “As well as so many other benefits and you can take part as well, Matthew.”  
“Great.” Matthew nodded as the nurse moved to help Mary open her robe a bit and lower her hospital gown to around her chest. “And you said breastfeeding, she’ll be able to do that? She’s expressed interest.”  
“Olivia won’t be able to do that for a few weeks, but this will help her bond with Mary and make it easier when she develops that ability.” Dr. Lee smiled as the nurses removed Olivia from the incubator, one of the nurses carrying the cords. “And I know the cords are scary, but as she grows, they’ll slowly start to go away. Which is why I wanted to start skin on skin early. She’s already stable and I don’t want to waste a minute of time helping her grow.”  
“We appreciate that.” Matthew extended his hand as the nurse laid the small infant on Mary’s chest and she couldn’t help but begin to cry, feeling the soft skin on hers. She wasn’t sure what Matthew and the doctor continued to speak about, but eventually the nurses and the doctor left, leaving Mary and Matthew alone with their baby. Her baby. The little infant made a fast against her skin and Mary couldn’t help but smile as the tears streamed down her face. “Are you okay?”  
“She’s so small…. perfect…” Mary cried, her hand resting on the baby’s diaper. Mary adjusted her robe, pulling part of it over the baby. “She’s so little.”  
“She’s so tiny.” Matthew whispered, taking a picture of Mary as she pressed the softest kiss on the top of Olivia’s head.  
“And her skin is wrinkly.” Mary giggled, unable to help the tears still as they fell. Her baby was perfect. So small and so delicate, but she found herself examining her child, wanting to examine her and make sure she was alright. “Will you hand me the blanket with the pink flowers on it and the little hat with the bear ears?”  
“Yeah.” Matthew replied, sitting the bag on the nearby countertop.   
“Thanks.” She breathed as he dug through the bag and Mary knew he probably thought she was crazy. She pulled the small generic hat off of the baby, before examining her dark hair. “Oh, sweet girl.”  
“She is the sweetest.” Matthew smiled, walking over to her with both items. He sat down in a chair next to her, taking the original hat from Mary. “I can’t stop looking at her.”  
“Anna is right about her nose.” Mary laughed as the small baby squirmed a bit against her chest.   
“It’s pretty cute.” Matthew laughed, placing his hand over his mouth for a moment and leaning back in the chair. “God Mary…”  
“What?” She whispered, looking down as Olivia stretched against her, and she found herself moving a cord off of her little foot that was threatening to tangle.   
“This…” He pointed to her and she looked up and saw tears in his eyes. “You two. I can’t believe how right it looks. She’s perfect. You’re perfect.”  
“I love her so much.” Mary whispered, unable to stop smiling as she placed the blanket over the baby’s back. “And I’m pretty sure I don’t want to put her down.”  
“I can imagine.” Matthew chuckled. Mary didn’t want to put her down, she just wanted to keep holding the small baby against her skin. Since the c-section, she had felt like a part of her was missing. Now, she had Olivia in her arms, pressed against her chest and she imagined that she was feeling a bit whole again. Olivia was tiny. Even tinier than she imagined., but somehow, she felt better seeing her in person with the cords than she did with just a photo. The cords were scary. Dr. Lee was right about that, but Mary knew in this moment that her little girl was going to make it through this. She had no doubts. The way Olivia moved ever so slightly against her and fell asleep was everything to her. She never wanted to let her little girl go. Even as her own tears fell a bit, Mary found herself soaking up every second with Olivia. Mary wanted to remember how little she was in this moment, knowing that she would grow. She wanted to remember every silly wrinkle, every little stand of hair and tiny movement. Olivia was perfect. Beyond perfect and she deserved the very best. She was a mother now and she was going to get this right. She was going to weigh every decision, every option and give her little girl the best life possible.


	48. Chapter 48

Olivia had been on this planet for three days. Her weight had slightly increased, but not nearly enough. Still, Mary was confident that she had never been more in love with Matthew or in the love she had for her little girl. Olivia was perfect. In every single way. Mary couldn’t help but giggle as the small baby always curled her fists when she tried to stretch. Matthew was doing skin on skin contact with Olivia and the way she curled against his chest was the sweetest. It looked like she trusted him and almost like she knew he was her father. She had fussed a bit as they were moving her from the incubator and onto Matthew, but fell asleep almost immediately. And the thing people said about men and babies. It was true. Mary almost blushed to admit, that Matthew holding her baby was the sexiest she had seen him. She was in no position or mood to feel intimate, but she couldn’t deny that she found him in his role as father, to be the sexy. It felt like a natural feeling and as she watched them together, she knew that they were meant to be a family. That no matter where life had taken them in the past, they were meant to be here right now.   
When they had come to the nursery today, the nurses had put two rocking chairs with ottoman’s next to each other, allowing Mary to sit right next to him as he did skin on skin, which meant she could still touch her little girl. She found herself constantly running her hand over the little one’s back and adjusting her diaper, her hat and even her tubes. In the short three days of her life, Mary and Matthew had become a pro in working around her tubes. They still hadn’t changed a diaper or given her a bath, but they had learned how to shift her oxygen tubes, her heart monitor and tap her foot when she forgot to breathe. The first time had been scary and she had panicked, but it was just a habit. Olivia didn’t do it often, but when she did, they were able to remain calm. Everything with Olivia felt so natural. That didn’t mean, that sometimes she didn’t get emotional. She hated that when she was in her hospital bed, she was reminded that her baby wasn’t easily accessible to her. She herself, was recovering from surgery and that prevented her from being able to be with her at all times like she wanted to. Her baby was hers. She should be able to do all of the things a mother should do when she has a new child and she should be able to feed her. It didn’t seem natural to give her milk over to a nurse who then would put it into a tube. However, they always made sure to do skin on skin when she was receiving her milk and Mary made it clear that she or Matthew wanted to be there at all feedings. This meant one of them still waking up in the middle of the night when the feeds were administered. To give them some rest, earlier in the day Isobel and Cora took shifts with holding Olivia. They had instructed them to wear something that made the skin under their neck open. They were adamant that if Olivia was being held, she has some sort of skin contact. They wanted to do everything they could to stabilize her temperature and help her along. The nurses and doctors were more than supportive and said as long as they weren’t sick, then it was going to do only good things for Olivia. And they knew Olivia loved it. The nurse said that anytime someone walked by Olivia, she became fussy. It was as if they had already managed to spoil her, but Dr. Lee said that was perfectly fine right now. She needed their attention and she needed people fighting for her. Just as Mary had needed months before. She got it. She understood it and as she watched Matthew put his finger in Olivia’s hand, she couldn’t stop smiling. The way the tiny baby still wrapped her fingers around his big finger was perfect. Olivia was simply just responding to her father, letting him know how much she trusted him to keep her safe. “She trusts you.”  
“Good.” Matthew whispered as his thumb stroked her arm. “But you’ll have to break the news to her that she’s in for a life of body waxing.”  
“Stop.” Mary giggled, hitting his arm as Matthew joked. The lanugo that had developed on the baby in the womb, had not shed yet and left her with thin hairs on her body. Matthew had made a few jokes about it, saying Olivia looked like a baby bird. “Leave her alone. She’s perfect.”  
“She is.” Matthew chuckled, kissing the top of Olivia’s head. “And what is it with this little bow on her head?”  
“The nurses put it there. They use a little bit of jelly to make it stick.” Mary lifted her hand as she straightened the light pink ribbon. “She’s too sensitive for headbands right now.”  
“It looks unnecessary.” Matthew replied.   
“She better get used to them now.” Mary reached into her robe pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “I ordered her some, Anna found some…”  
“I’ll figure something out.” Matthew whispered into the baby’s ear, before stroking her back. “To save you from those embarrassing outfits.”  
“She’ll be fine.” Mary rolled her eyes, taking a picture of the way Olivia’s hand stayed over Matthew’s heart. She moved her finger lightly over Olivia’s hand, admiring just how tiny but long her fingers were. She looked up at Matthew’s face, his eyes looking up at her as he smiled. His eyes were glossy, just as they had been since the moment, she Olivia had entered the world. He was in love. Not just with her, but with the little girl sleeping on his chest. She could watch him with her for hours and never get tired of it. It was going to become her new normal and she couldn’t wait. Even if sometimes it meant having to share. “Although nothing will fit her right now.”  
“My mother ordered some preemie clothing for when she’s able to be dressed.” Matthew replied.   
“Oh. Perfect.” Mary smiled, one of her hands moving over her stomach and feeling a bit sore. “Olivia is very lucky to have her.”  
“She’s very lucky to have all of the people around her.” Matthew looked up, smiling tiredly. “She was given this battle, because she has the army to get her through it. We’ll be out of here in no time. I’m sure of it.”  
“She will.” Mary sighed, shifting in the chair a bit. She was a moving a bit slower, as her body recovered. “Which reminds me, Papa gave me the number to the agency that provided my parents with my childhood nanny.”  
“Why would he do that?” Matthew frowned, looking up. “I didn’t realize they even had agencies for those anymore.”  
“For a baby nurse. Then when she’s a bit older, a nanny.” Mary shrugged, reaching for her ice pad that had slid to her side.   
“We don’t need a nanny or a nurse.” Matthew rolled his eyes, adjusting a blanket over the baby’s small body. She watched as his facial expressions changed, clearly looking a bit frustrated which surely came from their lack of sleep.   
“Yes, we do.” Mary looked at him as he checked one of the cords around her face. “A baby needs care and attention. I had a nanny; it only makes sense my child does.”  
“I didn’t have one. My mother cared for me.” Matthew replied, stroking Olivia’s back. “That’s what my child will have. A mother and a father who care for them.”  
“Yes, but a nanny is able to do everything.” Mary explained. “We’re still raising her, but we’ll have help.”  
“We have family.” Matthew shrugged, as Mary reached for her phone. “That’s the extent of our help.   
“No.” Mary laughed, wondering why he seemed so surprised. She had fond memories of her nanny and in the back of her mind it was a task that she had needed to consider. “You’ll be at work eventually…”  
“And you’ll be home. What else would you be doing?” Matthew asked, lifting his hand to push a strand of hair from her face. He didn’t seem to understand where she was coming from and she figured it was because they were both tired. “We will raise our own children, thank you.”  
“We’re raising our child, but what do I know about baby colds or naps or how much she should eat in a day?” Mary giggled, shaking her head at Matthew. “Nanny’s are trained in that stuff. We just need someone to be there and help. To tell us what to do.”  
“We’ve read the books and people have done this for years without help. Most people don’t have help.” Matthew explained, rocking Olivia lightly as he spoke as he struggled to stop laughing. “I’ll be there in the beginning and then I’ll be with you outside of working hours.”  
“So, it’s supposed to just be Olivia and I?” Mary wasn’t sure if he understood. She was going to take care of her baby and love her, but she didn’t know the first thing about taking care of a child and what was she going to do if she got sick or hurt? Mary loved her too much to let something go wrong and her father was right. A nanny was an extremely nice luxury that was going to be available to her. “Matthew…”  
“We’re done talking about this.” Matthew laughed, shaking his head. “Clearly the hospital air is getting to you. Need some of her oxygen?”  
“We’re not done talking about it.” Mary rolled her eyes.   
“Oh, we definitely are.” Matthew scoffed, kissing the top of the baby’s head. “Don’t bring it up again.”  
“Matthew…” Mary breathed, realizing it actually bothered him that she had intended on having some help once he went back to work. She knew he was tired, but he sounded almost irritated with her. She had no bad intentions, but she also knew she wanted her baby to be the safest and happiest. She never wanted her to go without anything. That meant making sure that all the care she ever needed was there. “Who watches her when I have to shower or go to the bathroom?”  
“Stop talking.” He laughed.   
“Matthew.”   
“I’m serious.” Matthew replied, looking back to the baby. “It’s not happening. You don’t have anything else you do. You can take care of her.”  
“I…okay.” Mary stopped, knowing he was tired. He didn’t realize how much work came with taking care of a baby and he didn’t realize that her life had been very different than his when it came to their childhoods. She saw her father for an hour or two a day when she was growing up. Some days not at all. Her mother was very hands on, but she had a lot of duties. Someone had to look after her and her sisters. It wasn’t a completely crazy idea and it wasn’t like this all was coming to her naturally. Initially, she would have ignored her father, but as she realized how much care her baby was requiring right now, she knew she couldn’t do this. She loved her little girl more than anything, but Matthew trusted her too much. He didn’t realize that she wasn’t capable of being a superstar mother. She couldn’t even keep her baby in long enough to keep her healthy. He didn’t seem to understand. She loved Olivia. Too much to let anything ever go wrong again. He would just have to understand.


	49. Chapter 49

He was incredibly tired which seemed insane since they had a whole medical staff helping him with the baby and Mary. Except now, he was so tired. Running back and forth from the floor with Mary and the floor with Olivia was catching up with him. Not to mention, Mary was scheduled to be released in a few days, but her blood pressure had been off and then she had started running a fever. It was the early signs of an infection and it needed to be treated. The doctor’s determined that she should stay a few extra days given her past traumas. It was probably for the best; she was throwing herself into motherhood even if she was trying to recruit help from someone they didn’t even know. They hadn’t spoken about it since she brought it up two nights ago, but he knew they needed to talk about it when they weren’t exhausted. He had been rude with her that night and now it was bothering him. She hadn’t said anything, but it was almost like she accepted the way he spoke to her. It wasn’t okay. He had laughed at her and then told her to stop talking. It wasn’t right. He felt like an ass. It made him even more of an ass to tell her she did nothing all day. He never wanted her to feel that way. He didn’t agree with her belief that she needed a nanny, but he should have encouraged and empowered her. In a few short days, she had already proved she was an amazing mother even in the situation they were in and he should have reminded her of that. Instead, she had been given information to seek help and when he told him about it, he had made her feel bad. They needed to talk. Except not right now. Not when he was exhausted and already feeling moody. It put him in a bad position, because he needed to let her know how much he believed in her. She was going to be amazing at this. Deep down, he knew she wanted this. Years ago, she had talked about the importance of being a mother and getting married. Before they had ever even fallen in love with each other. Those were the things that meant the most to her, but now she was acting as if she needed someone to raise her kids for her. She said it was about having help and having someone who knew what to do. She didn’t need that.   
Now, she was sleeping in her hospital bed and he needed to let her. The doctor had reminded him that she hadn’t taken much time at all to rest and was only sleeping a few hours a day. Between pumping milk and visiting her baby there wasn’t much time for herself. She wasn’t taking the proper care of herself and Matthew was here now to make sure that she did. Cora and Isobel were taking shifts in the nursery all day with the baby and insisted that Matthew keep himself up in the room with Mary. He was taking his duty very seriously. He was going to make sure that she was taking proper care and that she began to heal. The infection was due to constantly moving around and causing irritation to the wound. Now, the doctors had given her something to sleep since she had already pumped enough to get Olivia through. Still, when they told Mary she needed to sleep and have something to make that happen, she had cried. There was something that bothered her about having to pump and dump her collection for a few hours. When he asked why she was upset, he realized that to her, that was something she had worked very on getting. The one thing she had full control of right now, was providing milk for her baby. If he really thought about it, it had to be frustrating to her. She was so good at being a mother already and she didn’t see it. Now she saw herself as weak for having complications. She needed to be built up and he knew he needed to do better with that right now. The exhaustion could not impact the way he reacted to her. They were going to be even more exhausted when Olivia was released to come home and he couldn’t talk to her the way that he had. So, when he was feeling a bit better, he would make sure that she knew he was sorry. That his behavior was unacceptable.   
So, while she slept, he was going to sit here by her bedside and thing of all the reasons he loved her. The reasons that got them to where they were now. She and Olivia were his whole world. There was nowhere he would rather be, except at home with them. So, the hospital would do. This is where they were, so this is where he had to be. Where he wanted to be. The only other thing he would change, was having them both in the same room as him. He felt like it was too hard to have Olivia on one floor and Mary on the other. It had taken a toll on him, but an even bigger one on Mary and her body. As she shifted a bit in her sleep, he reached for the ice pack the nurse had dropped off a bit a ago. Her ice pack was meant to be changed every hour, but the nurses were coming in every half hour. He had asked if he could give her the next one, to avoid someone coming in and out again. Every time the door opened, she moved or her eyes would open. He wanted to let her sleep, so he knew he had to take a bit of control. He smiled as her eyes fluttered open for a moment, obviously heavy from her medications. “How is Olivia?”  
“She’s good.” Matthew smiled, standing to life her nightgown a bit. He reached for the icepack, putting it over the wound dressings across her pelvis. “My mother said she’s getting lots of cuddles and attention.”  
“Hmm…I miss her.” Mary sighed, her eyes closing again as Matthew slid onto the bed, taking her hand.   
“Me too.” He admitted as he helped her shift over a bit and he aligned his body next to hers as he had a dozen times before in a hospital bed.   
“I’m sorry.” Mary opened her eyes again and looked up at him. “We should be with her.”  
“You have no reason to be sorry.” He sighed, knowing he had more to say to her and while he was still tired, he needed to address it. It wasn’t right. “Mary…”  
“It’s my fault.” Mary’s eyes began to fill with tears and she placed her hand over her face. “I can’t get this right.”  
“Mary, you’ve done an amazing job with everything.” Matthew promised her, lacing his fingers with hers. “You heard Dr. Morrison. None of this is your fault. This whole pregnancy was impacted by the start of it. By the situation you were in and what he did to you. Which brings me to...”  
“But I just want her with me.” Mary murmured before she began to cry, her hand pulling out of his. “This isn’t right. She should be with me.”  
“Hey…” Matthew shifted to his side, pushing a stand of her dark hair off of her perfect brows. “She’s getting the care that she needs and right now you’re sick. You’ll be back to normal soon, but right now we have to get you healthy. This infection can happen and it will go away, but only if we give you the proper care. Right now, Olivia is in amazing hands. Both of our mother’s and even Anna are spending shifts with her. I am focused on you today.”  
“It’s just an infection.” Mary whimpered, turning her face into his chest. “The doctor said I’m not a danger to Olivia.”  
“It is and you’re not.” Matthew nodded, reaching for her blanket and pulling it back over her. “And you’ll be good as new soon.”  
“Then why can’t we be the ones with her?” Mary asked as Matthew reached for a tissue. “She’s only a few days old.”  
“Because today, we need you to put yourself first.” Matthew breathed, knowing that from the first breath, Olivia had become everything to her. He didn’t want her to worry or be scared, but overnight she had woken up with a fever and crying in pain. Now, she needed to focus on getting better and he was one hundred percent confident that their baby was in the best of hands between their family and the hospital staff. “You need to get back on track with healing from the c-section. We have amazing people who love us and Olivia. This way I can focus on you and to be honest, it’s not the first time we’re going to need them. It’s good practice.”  
“So much can change in a day. What if she grows?” Mary asked as he stroked her cheek. “What if she’s ready to start nursing? She might be ready…”  
“Mary, she won’t grow that much.” Matthew chuckled tiredly, wiping her tears. He knew she was worried and he knew it came from a good place. Mary was a mother now and it was clear that she was meant to do this. Maybe she didn’t see it. Maybe she was so used to the world she grew up in being very routine, but she needed to know how amazing she was at this already. “She adores you already.”  
“And now she’ll think I forgot about her.” Mary cried as Matthew helped her pull her body closer.   
“No, she won’t.” Matthew assured her, but silently reminding himself to research this later. He didn’t think this would have a lasting impact or that she would hold it against them but he would make sure. He wasn’t sure what the timeline was for a child to feel abandoned. Still, this was important. Mary needed to get well and as soon as she improved, she would have her baby back in her arms. “Mary…before you fall asleep again. We should talk. I wanted to wait until I wasn’t so tired, but I think I need to talk to you now.”  
“About what?” Mary asked, taking a deep breath as she took deep breaths as he rubbed her arm and tried to help her calm down.   
“When we were talking in the nursery and you mentioned wanting to hire a nanny, I didn’t handle it the right way.” Matthew sighed, pressing a kiss against her shoulder. “I was incredibly insensitive. I was mean and I let my being tired get the best of me. I shouldn’t have done that.”  
“It’s okay…” Mary sighed, shrugging it off as if it was. “You didn’t understand and I was an idiot for not explaining it well. I didn’t speak well and you had every right…”  
“Mary.” Matthew put his hand up, trying to explain. “First of all, there is a man who was once in your life that made you think it was acceptable to be treated that way. I will never again tell you that you need to stop talking or that we’re done.”  
“Matthew…it isn’t that big of a deal.” Mary replied, looking at him like he was crazy. “I could have explained better. A nanny…”  
“I’ll get to the nanny thing in a minute…” Matthew shook his head and tried to sort out how to present this to her. “You are an equal party in this relationship. I never should have said the things I said or act like you don’t do anything. I let being tired and cranky result in treating you terribly and I was wrong.”  
“Matthew…”  
“Let me finish.” He insisted as she finally stopped putting a wall up and her shoulder’s relaxed. “I will never treat you like that again. You deserved better. I was in the wrong here. Not you.”  
“I appreciate that….” She whispered and he could tell that she had never had someone apologize for treating her that specific way. “So, the nanny…”  
“We don’t need one, but not because you are expected to be the o one to care for her.” Matthew whispered, taking her hand again. “I don’t want one, but I’m not the only decision maker here. I realize that you had one growing up, but I didn’t and we both had amazing childhoods. I just want Olivia to have her mom, dad and family taking care of her. I do not think a nanny is the one she is supposed to cry to or rely on. I have seen you with her. Mary, you don’t see what I see looking in. I’ve seen you with her and I know how we feel when she’s with us. I know how we are with her and I know when we are home it will all fall into place. I have enough confidence that you don’t need the help of a nanny every day. Not because its your only thing to do, but because I know you love her.   
“I do love her and I know you do too.” Mary breathed, shaking her head. “But the nanny…she’ll know more than we do.”  
“Mary…please.” Matthew whispered, shaking his head before kissing her softly. “This is one thing I feel really passionate about. I know our backgrounds are different, but can we at least try it? Can we try parenting on our own with just our family? If it isn’t for you, we can try to get help maybe a few days a week. However, I don’t think this has to do with your background or it not being for you. I think you’re afraid, because it’s new. I’m scared too. This is amazing, fun and scary.”  
“You’re scared still?” She asked, nuzzling her nose in his neck.   
“Terrified. Every little twitch or cry, I worry I’m doing it wrong.” He admitted as he rubbed her arm. “But can we please, just try this without a professional? I see you with her and you’re perfect with her. She trusts you. I know that’s enough.”  
“And if I mess up?”  
“We’re going to make mistakes.” Matthew added, but tried to keep it positive. “She’s going to let us know what she hates and likes. We’ll learn her cries and we can get more parenting books, but please. Give me this. Give her this. A chance for us all to figure it out. Together.”  
“Okay…” She said, taking a deep breath. “But if it goes wrong…”  
“If it goes terribly wrong, I promise to interview the nanny myself.” Matthew chuckled as she yawned and he pressed another kiss to her cheek. “But for now, let’s rest. Get back to sleep and we’ll take it step by step.”  
“Okay…”  
“Thank you.” Matthew whispered softly as he tried to help her get a little more comfortable. He had done his best to let her know he meant he would never treat her like that again. That had to be way too familiar to her. Richard Carlisle had truly made her feel worthless and he was never going to do that to her. Tired or not, it was no excuse. It made him sick that he had been so rude and vile to her about an opinion she had. She and Olivia were the very center of his world. He never wanted them to feel like he didn’t appreciate their thoughts or their feelings. He also wanted them to trust him and he felt like he had it right this time around. They didn’t need professional help. They didn’t need a nanny. They needed each other and Olivia needed her parents. Olivia deserved parents and family who loved her. That was all she needed. He needed to show Mary that Olivia was going to be okay with her parents. That she would be okay to care for her. She could tend to her child and she didn’t need to pay someone to do it for her. She couldn’t give up on herself and he would show her how amazing she was at this.


	50. Chapter 50

Mary was pretty certain that she was obsessed with her baby. After one day of being without her, she found herself examining every inch of the child to look for changes and she thought quite possibly she had grown a little more hair. Matthew had laughed at her like she was crazy, but there was a chance she had even more of her dark brown hair than before. So, for now, she needed to catch up on her skin to skin contact with Oliva. There was too much time missed and she had to make up for it. She didn’t want to miss another second of Olivia changing. As she held her little one on her chest, she pressed soft kisses to her baby’s head of hair and looked into the mirror that the nurse placed next to her to see Olivia’s face. She was grateful that her baby looked more like her than anyone else. She actually didn’t see Carlisle in her at all. She saw herself and bits and pieces of her family. She knew that could change, but it was alright. Nothing could change how she felt about the little wonder in her arms. Olivia was so small and delicate, but Mary had so much faith in her. She was doing amazing. She was handling her tube feeds well and her body temperature was stabilizing, especially when she was doing skin on skin. All of the skin on skin had been great for her and she did exceptionally well when she was with her mom. Mary was so happy to be her mom, but it broke her heart that she couldn’t feed her baby herself or take her home. Soon she was going to be discharged from the hospital and her little girl would still be there. It seemed like an impossible thing to deal with.   
“A penny for your thoughts?” Matthew interrupted her thoughts and she looked away from Olivia’s reflection in the mirror.   
“They’re not worth that much.” She breathed, pressing a kiss to the top of Olivia’s head.   
“That’s not true.” Matthew sighed, closing his book as he leaned over and pressed a kiss to her neck, before putting a hand over Olivia’s back. “How is Squeaky?”  
“Is that what you’re calling her now?” Mary giggled, titling her head to look at the little one’s face. “Your Daddy is making fun of you.”  
“Her noises.” Matthew laughed, kissing her neck softly again. “Little Squeaky.”  
“Mary! Matthew!” A voice interrupted them as the curtain pulled back and Mary looked up to find Dr. Lee who walked in front of them. “How is Olivia doing?”  
“She’s good, but I think she’s ready for a bath.” Mary replied, lightly tapping her hand against Olivia’s back.   
“The nurses have that set up for you just on the other side of the curtain.” Dr. Lee pointed, before crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the counter. “Are you guys comfortable with doing that on your own? I know you guys have already been taught how to move the electrodes off of her and then back on.”  
“Yeah, we’re ready.” Matthew nodded, sliding his book into the arm of the chair. “The nurse taught us how to remove and put the cords back on for her baths.”  
“Perfect.” Dr. Lee nodded. “Mary, she’s doing exceptionally well with you. Her temperature and heart rate are always exactly where they should be when she’s with you.”  
“That is because Mary is an amazing mother.” Matthew grinned and Mary felt his hand on her shoulder. “Olivia adores her already.”  
“Dr. Lee…” Mary breathed, placing a soft kiss on Olivia’s head. “I’ve been pumping constantly. When can we try to breastfeed?”  
“Olivia wouldn’t be expected to have that ability for another two weeks, but it isn’t too early to start introducing her to having something in her mouth.” Dr. Lee walked over to a drawer, pulling out a packaged green pacifier. “These come sanitized already. You can lightly rub this around her mouth or start trying to attach her to you for a bit just to familiarize her with it. She just won’t really be able to do anything with it yet. Still, introducing her to it will help tremendously. Perhaps while you’re giving her the bath, try it out a bit. This is her fist real bath and she may not be happy with it. It could be a great idea to start teaching her to soothe.”  
“And when can she go home?” Matthew asked and Mary knew he was trying to ask for her.   
“Medically the expectation is her due date, however all preemies are different.” Dr. Lee explained, walking over to a personalized checklist on the wall next to the incubator. “Olivia can breathe on her own now which is huge and her temperature will likely be considered stable soon. She hasn’t had a single apnea spell in two days, so we’ll have her tested soon. If we can confirm she has no other unresolved acute medical concerns and she can gain weight steadily, we can start evaluating that. That means she has to gain a bit more and be growing consistently as well as eating without a tube.”  
“But she’s making improvements?” Mary asked nervously.   
“She’s doing exceptionally well.” Dr. Lee leaned forward, running her finger over Oliva’s head. “Once we see how she does on her apnea tests, I will feel better about starting to make a timeline. Test out the nipple with her, I don’t expect her to catch on for a bit but the introduction is crucial. Also, keep up on the skin on skin. Has Dr. Morrison discussed discharging you?”  
“In the next day or two.” Mary replied, instantly feeling a bit sad.   
“We’re not pleased about leaving Olivia.” Matthew sighed.   
“There are limited family visitation hours, but not for her parents. You can be here as long and as often as you need.” Dr. Lee explained, before handing Matthew a pamphlet. “Some parents spend the majority of the time here and some rent hotel rooms across from the hospital. Either way it is up to you. I do encourage you being here often so that you can still hold her.”  
“I doubt Mary will leave her alone here very often.” Matthew chuckled, taking Mary’s free hand and lacing his fingers in hers.   
“I always recommend that parents go home and spend a night there the first night the mother is released.” Dr. Lee explained, looking directly at Mary. “Go home, get a warm shower and some sleep. I know it seems impossible, but having a premature infant can be exhausting. You’re throwing everything you have into taking care of her. Take a night for the two of you. Order some takeout and get some sleep. She’ll be in amazing hands and I will personally make sure Olivia has someone to rock with her. You can have someone come in on your behalf, like one of your mothers. I will even personally rock her myself for a bit. I know Olivia loves to be held.”  
“We would appreciate that.” Matthew said, as Mary felt his eyes on her.   
“I don’t need a night off. I could just rock her…” Mary replied as Matthew lightly squeezed her hand to reassure her. “We don’t live too far or we could get a hotel.”  
“Well, whatever you decide. She is in the best hands.” Dr. Lee stepped over to the curtain and pushed it back. “I will check in with you guys before I leave today. Enjoy your bath, Olivia.”  
“She will.” Matthew chuckled and stood up as Dr. Lee walked away. Mary looked up at him as he rolled his sleeves up and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. “Mary, you know if we go home for a night, she’ll be okay. You could use a home shower, maybe a night of sleep in your bed and a movie. A date or something.”  
“Maybe.” Mary sighed, as Matthew came over and helped Mary turn Olivia over. The baby curled up a bit, her face scrunching as the air hit her chest. Mary placed a soft kiss against her temple as Matthew began removing some of the cords as the nurses instructed them. “You’re so little.”  
“I can’t believe how tiny she is.” Matthew chuckled, taking Olivia into his arms and Mary pushed herself up from the reclined chair. Matthew walked slowly with Olivia over to the infant bath station. When Mary got over there, she turned on the water, testing it with her hand. She adjusted it several times, making sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold. She looked up at Matthew who was staring at her. “Mary, I think it’s good. You’ve got this.”  
“Well, she’s already not pleased that she’s cold.” Mary giggled as Matthew laid the baby on the blanket next to the little tub, and Mary moved to undo her diaper. “Little darling. I am sorry.”  
“She makes the same pouting face you do.” Matthew laughed, leaning over to give Mary a soft kiss on her cheek as Mary slid the baby into the water. Initially Olivia began to let out a little cry, but as Matthew went over her with the sponge, she just opened her eyes and looked up at them. “Get your phone…we need a picture.”  
“Got it.” Mary pulled her phone from her robe and taking a picture with her phone. She had expected Olivia to cry the entire time they gave a bath, but right now the baby was looking up at her and only shuttering occasionally as Matthew washed her. She seemed quite pleased with the bath as she looked at Mary. “Oh…the pacifier.” Mary reached for the green plastic, before running over the baby’s lips. Olivia didn’t do anything, just kept her eyes on Mary. “She’s not reacting to it at all.”  
“That’s okay.” Matthew assured her as he reached for some soap. “We just want her to get a feel for it. It will probably take time.”  
“Maybe I’ll try to put her on me later.” Mary sighed.   
“I know I respond well to yours so…” Matthew winked, looking down at her chest. “Not sure why she wouldn’t.”  
“Matthew…not in front of Olivia.” Mary laughed in disgust, pushing into his side. “I just want her to start gaining and I think if we can get her to start eating more…”  
“She will.” He replied, looking at her intently. “She’ll be okay. We’ll get it worked out.”  
“I know.” Mary whispered as she looked back at Olivia and they continued to give the little one her bath. Her daughter was looking up at her and making it clear that she trusted the two people who loved her the most. Mary hated that they were still in the hospital and that the first time giving their little girl a bath was her only break from the wires that normally covered her body. While she was improving, it seemed unfair that her life was so up in the air. Nobody knew when she would be able to go home or have her feeding tube removed. The feeding tube was the only cord that had to stay attached as they gave her a bath, because it wasn’t easily removed. That being said, it was probably a lot easier than having to watch what it took to remove it. She never wanted her child to be in pain or uncomfortable and right now Olivia looked like she was enjoying herself. She even seemed to be falling asleep and Mary leaned forward to kiss her cheek again. This was heavenly. The only way it could be better is if they were home. She didn’t want to go home and leave her here. There was no way she could do that. She wanted Olivia home with her. Which meant fighting for her. She knew she wasn’t going to take her home right away, but the best thing she could do was work her own butt off to help Olivia grow and improve. Moments were what she wanted. Taking care of her little girl with the man she loved the most.


	51. Chapter 51

They had left the hospital over four hours ago. When they had said goodbye to Olivia, Matthew was certain it was one of the hardest things he had ever done. Next to letting Mary go, it had been awful. Mary had cried in a way he hadn’t seen her cry before. It was as if she was saying goodbye to a long-lost love and in a way she was. She had gone over instructions for the nurses and doctor’s as if they didn’t know what to do and they just kindly smiled and nodded along. Matthew just smiled warmly held Mary close as they walked out of the hospital. It was hell, but he wanted to keep himself together for Mary. She needed more rest and both Anna and Cora were going to sit with Olivia for the remaining hours of visitation. It broke his heart, but he thought Dr. Lee had made a good point. She had reminded them before they left that they needed to take care of themselves too and he wouldn’t mind spending time with Mary outside of the hospital walls. It had a way of being stressful as they worried about Olivia and while they wanted to be with her, they needed to work on them too. His mother had reminded him that this relationship was still new and a lot had happened in less than a years’ time. So, they needed a night to themselves, even if Olivia Katherine would fill their minds. Mary had taken a shower, painted her nails and had just walked out of the bathroom with a green skin mask on her face. “I don’t actually know what we’re supposed to do for a while night. We should go back.”  
“Believe me, I wish we were there.” Matthew sat up on the bed and moved to his knees as she walked closer and he took her hand. “But…Anna and your mother will be with her for a bit. She’s in great hands with the staff.”  
“I know, but can’t we just go ourselves.” Mary sighed, as he pulled her onto the bed. “I miss her already.”  
“She’s easy to miss.” Matthew chuckled, pushing a piece of hair our of her mask before wincing at his fingers. “What is this?”  
“Want one?”  
“Want what?” Matthew asked.   
“A face mask.” Mary shrugged and he could tell she was trying her best even if she was having issues being away from her little girl. “I won’t have to pump again for a while and it will make your skin soft.”  
“My skin is already soft.” Matthew frowned as she pulled her hands away.   
“Wait here.” Mary got up from the bed, wincing as she turned around.   
“Be careful.” Matthew rolled his eyes, reminding her of her incisions healing. “Olivia’s in the hospital and I know you miss her, but we don’t need you to be a patient again.”  
“Copy, Captain.” Mary winked, walking out of the restroom and holding up a small container, a brush and headband.   
“I don’t think this is a great idea.” Matthew said nervously, wondering if she was really planning on putting the headband on him.   
“The hospital is very drying on the skin.” She giggled, moving the headband around his neck and pulling it back to lock his blonde hair in place. “This will make sure it doesn’t get in your hair.”  
“I don’t know if I want this…” Matthew looked down at the container as she removed the lid. The filling was a light creamy green and she dipped the brush in it before applying it to his face. He winced as the product hit his skin. “Oh. That’s cold. And why does it smell so minty? Mary…”  
“Oh stop moaning.” Mary giggled, painting his face with the mask. “You’ll thank me later.”  
“How long until Olivia’s old enough for this? So, she can rescue me from this?” Matthew laughed, put moved his hand to her arm as she started to paint his neck. “Okay…that’s enough.”  
“You’re whiny.” She laughed, closing the jar and walking it back into the restroom as he watched her.   
“Hey! I know we wanted to watch a movie, but what if we start a show?” He asked, leaning back against the pillows as she walked back into the bedroom. “I’m behind on Game of Thrones.”  
“Fine.” Mary rolled her eyes as she carefully lowered herself into the bed. Matthew set up the pillows, propping one under where her feet were going to rest. “Matthew, I don’t think we need to prop my legs up anymore.”  
“Humor me.” He replied, knowing she still needed to take good care of herself. The face mask was a good start, but she still had physical steps that needed to be taken to help her heal. The pillows would help with swelling. “How is your pain?”  
“It’s okay…” She sighed as she looked up at him and a smile moved across her lips. “I’m a little sore.”  
“Which means you’re a lot sore.” Matthew reached for her pain medicine. “And why are you smiling for someone in pain?”  
“Because you look good in a green mask.” She smiled as she reached for her phone off the night stand. “Anna still hasn’t texted. She should have been there an hour ago.”  
“She’s there, I already checked and I told her to text me if she needed to send a message, because I wanted you to get some sleep.” Matthew replied, reaching for his own phone. He pulled up a text from Anna, showing Mary some photos, that Anna had taken of Olivia. He watched as the smile grew across her lips and she pulled the phone from his hand. “You were in the bathroom and I forgot to show you.”  
“Look how tiny that baby is.” Mary giggled, swiping through the photos. “Those little fingers. God.”  
“How is it possible to miss someone we just met?” Matthew sighed as they kept their eyes on one of the pictures. “Those fingers really are the cutest thing I have ever seen.”  
“And the smallest.” Mary replied, looking up at him before unlocking her phone and opening her own camera. “Smile.”  
“No…” Matthew picked up one of the throw pillows to shield his face.  
“Lower it.” Mary demanded as she giggled. “Come on…”  
‘Fine.” He groaned dramatically, as he broke into a smile. Hearing her giggle about having fun was the best sound. With everything going on and the stress of being away from Olivia, it was nice to have her alone with him and enjoying herself.   
“Thank you.” She laughed, as she snapped the pictures, one of her and Matthew kissing. “Oh…I ordered a carrier for her. One I can use to walk around with her attached to me.”  
“So, you don’t have to share?”  
“Exactly.” She nodded, scrolling through her phone as he turned the television on. She put her phone back, before moving her fingers to his hair. “Can we at least start Game of Thrones from the beginning?”  
“Why?” He frowned.  
“I’ve never seen an episode.” Mary replied, gesturing towards the television. “I’ll be completely lost. If we start over, I can watch the whole thing and you’re only two seasons in so you should just listen to me. You’re behind too…”  
“Sure.” He sighed reluctantly as she looked at the time on her phone. “Can I wash this off my face yet or did you just want this to permanently be apart of my face now?”  
“We can wash it off.” She agreed as he got up from the bed and walked around to her side and extended his hand. “You’re not very patient, are you?”  
“Oh, you’re questioning my patience when I look like this?” He laughed, moving his hand to her waist.   
“I think you look refreshed.” Mary grinned, wrapping her arms around his neck. He had to admit, seeing her smile like this was amazing and the fact that they were happy made everything seem perfect. Yes, their baby was still in the hospital and their number one choice was to be with her, but they still had so much to learn about each other. “I bet your pores are clear now.”  
“Oh, well if they’re clear than I’m sure it will be worth it.” Matthew rolled his eyes, kissing her again. “Since you’re letting me watch Game of Thrones, it will be worth it.”  
“From the start.” She reminded him, pulling away from him but he pulled her right back. “What?”  
“You’re amazing, you know that?” He whispered, running his hands along her side. “What you’ve gone through…bringing Olivia into the world. Thank you.”  
“I…the doctor’s brought her into the world.” Mary shrugged as he kissed her. “And why are you thanking me?”  
“For letting me be her father….” Matthew whispered. “For taking such amazing care of her. I know you think it doesn’t count, because of everything that happened but she’s amazing. Given everything, she’s doing amazing and that’s because of you. That comes down to you. When she looks at you…it’s because of you.”  
“Thank you.” She breathed. “Although I am still upset that I never got to get gloriously fat. I was kind of robbed of that.”  
“You were, but I also don’t think you’re capable of getting big.” He laughed, sliding his hands to her butt. “Although I can think of an area up front that has grown a lot.”  
“My breasts. I’m aware.” Mary shook her head. “Well, eventually that will go away.”  
“Luckily I like everything I’ve been given when it comes to you.”  
“Same with you.” She smiled as he let go and they walked into the bathroom to wash their faces. He meant it. She was doing amazing as a mother and she deserved to know that she was responsible for how well Olivia was doing. It was evident in the way she held her little girl and the way their baby looked up at her. It made being alone with her feel like a great reward. A reward that they needed to embrace more. His mother did them a great favor by reminding him that they had so much to work on, because of how rushed their relationship was. It made him nervous at times, realizing that they never actually dated or did things that a new couple did. Then tonight happened. Face masks, picking a show to watch on television and little soft kisses made it seem like they could still experience all of that. Even with a little baby. It wasn’t always going to be easy. Life had presented them with endless challenges. And tonight, the night would likely end with staring at pictures of Olivia on their phones, but he was going to take care of her and be thankful for the little moments like tonight.


	52. Chapter 52

Mary had slept amazing. After they had washed their faces and curled up in bed to watch episode one of Game of Thrones, she fell asleep on Matthew’s arm. She had woken up twice to pump and called the hospital from the bathroom to check on Olivia. Matthew had slept the entire time and she felt bad making noise and risking to wake him up. Still, with waking up twice she considered the night to be great. As much as she missed her baby, spending the night with Matthew had been a bit of a relief. She hadn’t realized that she missed him, being just curled up with him. They had found ways to be close in the hospital bed, but nothing compared to being int heir home. Together. Even without anything being sexual, they were able to have intimacy. It was intimate when they laughed or curled up and watched something on the television. Now, she was sitting back in the hospital with her baby girl and she felt a new kind of complete. Matthew and Mary had been excited when they arrived. Dr. Lee had greeted them to let them know that Olivia was completely breathing on her own and had graduated from experiencing apnea. They were no longer concerned about her breathing stopping. It hadn’t happened since the first forty-eight hours after birth. She still had one heart monitor, just for tracking purposes. Dr. Lee explained that she would take that off in a few days, but wanted to leave it on as a precaution. Still, she explained that the news about her apnea being gone and her heart performing well was amazing news. There weren’t a lot of other major updates except that she encouraged Mary to continue with skin on skin as it would lead her to feed naturally. Her temperature was stable and her skin was growing more which meant she would be able to wear clothes soon. The only way that she could be happier was if she could breastfeed or at least give her baby a bottle. Feeding her child, would help her gain the weight she needed to. That was the part moving too slow for Mary’s liking. Still, Olivia was doing amazing and it meant Mary was now motivated more than ever to help her baby move along. So now, she was rocking her slowly as she held the pacifier against her lips, moving it around her mouth as Dr. Lee instructed. She wasn’t catching on yet, but when she did it, Olivia just watched her so intently. It was like she was trying to listen and communicate with her, so Mary would just keep looking at her. Not that she would prefer to do anything else. She could look at Olivia all day and in her eight days of life, she was sure she already had. “Matthew, will you hand me the blanket with the ducks on it from the bag?”   
“What’s wrong with the blanket she has?” Matthew frowned as he reached for the black leather tote Mary had brought along with her.   
“I don’t think its warm enough.” Mary replied, looking up at him as he dropped his shoulders. “What?”  
“I’m sure that blanket is fine.” Matthew laughed, but still gave her the soft blanket, helping her swap it out with the blue and pink striped one. “Although you know how she feels about being cold.”  
“Olivia, you’ll only be uncovered for a half of a second.” Mary giggled, taking the blanket off and in a split second, Olivia curled her body, her face scrunching as a light wail escaped the infant’s lips. Matthew had already replaced the blanket as the first wail escaped Olivia’s mouth. She followed Dr. Lee’s advice, immediately grabbing the pacifier again to introduce to Olivia. She said it would help her associate it with soothing. As she ran it across her small lips and the little one moved her head a little bit, still never removing her eyes from Mary’s. “You are so dramatic. That was one little cry for cold air.”  
“Like her mom.” Matthew joked, moving to sit back down next to her, leaning over to stroke the baby’s head. “You hate being cold too.”  
“You don’t like it either.” Mary looked over at him with a smile on her face, then holding up the pacifier. “Maybe she doesn’t like this. There are other kinds of these pacifiers, if you can hand me my phone, I will order new ones.”  
“I hardly doubt that it is the pacifier.” Matthew replied, looking over at the counter where her phone was. “Dr. Lee said it could be a couple of more weeks before she picks up on what to do.”  
“Yes, but she said that we could practice.” Mary sighed, her stomach aching with guilt. “She said practice may actually urge her along and help her develop a stronger interest, increase our chances in breastfeeding and…Matthew she has so much weight to gain.”  
“I know.” He nodded, taking her hand and squeezing it and she just knew that he was right there worrying with her. That he wanted to help her more than he could. “She’ll figure it out. You will too.”  
“Maybe she’ll only bottle feed.” Mary shrugged, surprised that something like that would make her feel overwhelmed. “I would like to feed her myself, but if I can’t. I’ll settle for feeding her from a bottle. As long as she eats and gains weight.”  
“I have a feeling she’s going to start eating the way you want her to.” Matthew replied, giving her a wink. “Then we’ll be home and up all night, wishing she would just sleep instead of wanting to eat.”  
“Maybe.” Mary sighed, putting the pacifier on the table next to her, before adjusting Olivia against her chest and no longer keeping her in the feeding position. “I’m ready to be done in the hospital and just take her home. We shouldn’t be looking at weeks. Why does it have to be weeks?”  
“I know.” Matthew sighed, moving his hand to her shoulder. Mary moved the blanket over Olivia’s back, as she began to rock the chair just slightly, leaning over and pressing a kiss to her head.   
“Sans souci, ah…sans souci. They got no room here for someone like me…” She wasn’t sure what she was doing or what made her do something she hadn’t done in the longest time, but suddenly she found herself tapping her foot and humming. “Oh the mountains start to giggle…”   
“You’re singing Peggy Lee to our baby?” Matthew giggled, leaning over to kiss her, moving his hands to her messy ponytail. “I forgot how much I love when you sing.”  
“I forgot how much I like singing.” Mary whispered against his lips, before looking down at her baby. “I didn’t think about how much I might like singing to her.”  
“You should do it more often.” He smiled, shifting and reaching something from his pocket. “I wanted to give you something.”  
“Yeah?” She asked, looking away to kiss Olivia’s soft head of hair.   
“We’ve been so focused on Olivia and so much has been going on, that it slipped my mind to give this to you.” Matthew stood from the chair, before getting down on one knee and holding up a box with a stunning diamond ring sticking out of the black velvet. “I never gave this to you and I can’t just hand it to you without properly sliding it on your finger.”  
“Matthew…” Mary looked down at him as he knelt, taking her hand that wasn’t mainly supporting Olivia. “I already said yes.”  
“I know, which is why I’m not asking you again.” Matthew laughed as Mary felt her eyes begin to water. It was a solid reminder that her emotions had not yet returned to normal. “So, I just wanted to ask, if you would wear this ring? If you would keep this ring, I picked out for you. Make more babies with me? In a few years…when we get this one figured out.”  
“She’s proving to be a lot to figure out.” Mary giggled weakly as a tear fell from her eyes and Matthew took the ring from the box, lifting an eyebrow to show he was anticipating an answer. “Yes. I will keep the ring.”  
“Good.” Matthew laughed, leaning forward and pressing his lips into hers, deepening their kiss before a small hand caught on his cheek and he pulled away to look down to find Olivia stretching against Mary. “What do you say Olivia, do you think the ring makes this all more official?”  
“I think that’s a yes.” Mary giggled through her tears as Matthew took the ring from the box, before reaching for her hand.   
“And from you?” Matthew looked at her, teasing the edge of her finger with the ring.   
“It is. Yes.” Mary nodded, her hand noticeably shaking as he slid the ring on the appropriate finger, before moving his hand to her cheek, before placing his lips on hers. “Olivia and I can’t wait…”  
“Neither can I.” He breathed softly, lowering his face to kiss the top of Olivia’s head. Mary couldn’t help but giggle as the baby curled up against her chest, but tilting her nose up as Matthew kissed her dark hair. “Olivia.”  
“Always interfering.” Mary stroked the little one’s back, before Matthew moved to sit on the arm of the chair. He moved his arms around her, kissing the top of her head as he rubbed his hands against her arm and continued to give her the reassurance that everything would be okay. The ring had been a nice surprise, because since he had asked her, they hadn’t really even discussed being engaged and there was no time or energy to worry about where the ring was. She had no idea when they would get married, but she hoped Matthew would be okay with a small wedding. She had been engaged and married once before, but it had fallen apart. No, not fallen apart. It had been explosive and blew up before the ink was dry on their marriage license. The night of her rehearsal dinner, he had threatened to put her on a very strict lifestyle, because she had admitted that she was nervous. Matthew wasn’t like that, but she still didn’t want the stress that came with a huge wedding. A small courthouse wedding with her parents, Isobel, Tom and a few other important people in their lives would be suitable followed by a big dinner party with some more friends. The details didn’t matter. Not right now. Right now, Olivia was their first priority and getting her to eat from a bottle or her breast instead of a tube that filtered into her stomach was what they needed to focus on. It had to be their number one priority and that meant Mary wouldn’t stop until her baby girl was at home with her every night. She was in love with her ring and couldn’t stop staring at it as her left hand stayed resting on Olivia’s back. It was the perfect sight. Her ring and her baby with the man she loved sitting right at her side.


	53. Chapter 53

Matthew had wondered how long it would take for Mary to tire herself out. She had refused to leave the hospital today until Olivia made some sort of progress with eating. She was two weeks old and the little one was not showing any signs that were needed to eat from even a bottle. She wasn’t able to wrap her lips around anything, suckle or even show signs that she was ready to swallow. Dr. Lee had stressed that this wasn’t anything Mary or Matthew needed to worry about yet. That it would come naturally, but that she was still quite small. Today when they had woken up, she had turned to Matthew and said she wasn’t going to leave the hospital until Olivia made progress. After staying until way past dinner time, Mary burst into tears as she had to surrender her fight for the night. It broke his heart, because he knew she would be alright, but that she was throwing herself into trying to do whatever it took to bring Olivia home. She was doing everything from trying to increase her own milk supply for when Olivia could finally eat on her own, to trying different methods to get Olivia to learn to eat properly. He knew the tube eating would come to an end, but it was Mary had an underlying fear that if she didn’t push, Olivia wouldn’t catch on to it and she would have failed in some way. He tried to be patient and let her stay as long as she needed, but finally he knew it was time to leave. She had spent most of her days and nights by Olivia’s side and when she was home, she slept. The night they had done the face masks, was the only night she had kicked back and relaxed a bit. Now, she was sitting in their bed with his laptop on her lap while researching tips to breastfeed and bottle feed a premature baby. It was taking a toll on her, but it made him feel so proud of her. She wanted to be good at being a mother, but Matthew knew she already was an amazing one. So now, as he moved to sit on the bed, he reached for the laptop to urge her to turn it off for the night. “Mary, its time to kick back and turn on the television. I want to see what happens between Eddard Stark, you fell asleep last time and I had to turn the episode off.”  
“So, turn it on.” Mary rolled her eyes, trying to reach for the laptop.   
“It’s time for you to relax.” Matthew replied insistently, pulling it further away and sitting it on the floor next to his side of the bed, sliding it under a bit to prevent him from stepping on it later. He didn’t want to step on it later. He knew she was annoyed, as she dramatically fell against the pillows and he turned to face her in the bed. “Mary.”  
“What?” She sighed, crossing her arms.   
“You don’t need to stay up and study how to make her eat, you heard Dr. Lee.” Matthew pushed her hair out of her face, leaning up to press a kiss just below her neck. “She’s going to catch on to it.”  
“Right, but we have to get her doing it so she can gain weight, make improvements and come home with us.” Mary sighed, looking over to the nightstand on the side of the bed and grabbing her phone. “She’s a baby who should be home with her parents. She shouldn’t be stuck in a hospital; she should be in this bed with us. Home with her parents. In bed with us.”  
“In our bed?” Matthew laughed, pulling the covers up over her.   
“Well…I mean in the cradle but sometimes she’ll be in bed with us.” Mary sighed as she began to scroll through her phone, before tossing it on her lap and running her palm along her cheek. “I just feel like right now in moments like this…she’s missing. She’s missing these crucial moments where her parents should be loving on her. We should be learning and witnessing everything she does, Matthew. I wake up several times a night, knowing that she’s awake too but that a nurse or an aide is the one taking care of her. It should be me. She shouldn’t have her milk given to her through a tube. That’s not the way her life is supposed to start.”  
“Okay…okay…” Matthew nodded as he put his hand on her abdomen. “But Mary, she’s not a normal newborn. She’s not up in the middle of the night as often as a new baby and she’s not missing out on anything. We are there as much as we possibly can be. You more than me.”  
“You can’t help that.” Mary sighed, moving her hand over his. “You have a job. You can’t always be with me.”  
“But owning my own firm, means my office can be where I need it to be.” Matthew smiled, pressing a kiss on her hand. “I mean I have to be in the office when I can, to make sure things are in order or to meet with clients, but I am working in the office when I can now so that I can be home for two weeks without work when she comes home. We talked about that. I thought it was alright. I didn’t think about…”  
“Stop.” Mary whispered softly. “You’re amazing and if Olivia ever comes home, we’ll be so excited to have you home with us. I just wish she was home now.”  
“I do too.” He sighed, placing a soft kiss below her neck. “Soon. She’ll be with us, eating like a normal little baby and getting those cute little arm rolls.”  
“She’s skin and bones right now.” Mary breathed, picking her phone back up. Her eyes began to water as she pulled up a picture of the small baby on her phone. “I can’t even feed her myself. I pump milk into a bottle and then they take it…they take it and give it to my baby, because she’s too tiny to figure out how to even swallow it. Does she even know when she’s hungry or thirsty or that it comes from me? She should be up with me all night. Crying to me and waking me up. Not a nurse. Not to anyone else that can just walk in there and…she’s safer with us.”  
“Mary…” Matthew frowned as she burst into a sob, turning against his chest. He hated that she was so upset, but in a way, he couldn’t help but feel a bit of relief that she was communicating with him, turning into him and almost asking for his comfort. She had come so far and while she still had a long way to go, but she was asking for comfort this time. “She’s going to get stronger. She’ll come home and be with us. We’re going to be her parents and every night you’ll nurse her to bed and we’ll obsess over every tiny detail of her being.”  
“And if the tube doesn’t go away?” Mary whimpered into his chest as he ran his hand over her hair. “If she goes downhill and…or someone takes her when I’m not there. Do we even know if she’s safe there, Matthew?”  
“That’s not going to happen.” Matthew insisted, pressing a kiss against her forehead. She was scared, but it wasn’t for herself. It was for the little girl that she had come to fall in love with. The same little girl he adored. He thought about Olivia and Mary, how magical they looked together. How much he missed the little girl they spoke about and how he ached to have both of his girls at home with him. Then he knew what he needed, what she needed and what they needed in this moment. He pulled away from her, pulling her up with her hand and she didn’t protest. He reached for the hem of her nightgown, pushing it up above her thigs and over her stomach and then off her body. “Skin on skin?”  
“What?” She breathed, looking as he discarded the cream nightgown to the floor and she wiped at her eyes. “Matthew, sex isn’t going to...I can’t even have sex right now.”  
“I’m not trying to sleep with you.” Matthew laughed, pushing himself off the bed and pulling his gray t-shirt off of his body.   
“You took my clothes off.” Mary looked at him strangely, leaning back on her elbows as Matthew pushed his red and gray plaid pajama bottoms. “I…are you going to take my panties too? Things aren’t quite…”  
“Mary, we’re not having sex.” Matthew replied, sliding back under the oversized covers, before pulling her closer to him, running his hand along her back.   
“Then what are we doing?” Mary whispered, looking down to notice him firming up in the middle. “We really can’t…”  
“I know…ignore me for a moment.” Matthew laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I didn’t think this through, but I figured skin on skin is what you needed.”  
“Skin to skin?” Mary giggled, her tears since gone away. “This really can’t turn into sex and I don’t feel like…I’m not in the mood to play with you tonight. I mean maybe last night I would have wanted to help you but…I’m not even healed.”  
“Mary, nothing sexual was or is my intention.” Matthew laughed, falling onto his back and Mary went to lay on his shoulder. “Sorry…”  
“It’s okay.” Mary let a light giggle escape, pressing a soft kiss to his chest. “I like skin on skin with you.”  
“When Olivia gets home, we’ll be too tired for even this I imagine.” Matthew kissed her head, reaching for his phone. “You do have a way of calming me.”  
“A talent I own with great pride.” Matthew said confidently, breathing in the scent in her hair. It was a mixture of gardenia and the hospital. He loved her so much and he too wanted their little girl home. He wanted her to eat and to grow. As much as they were learning the simplest things about their little girl, there were things she needed to do to grow and come home. He wasn’t sure that she was sleeping when Mary woke up during the night. He really couldn’t make that promise to her, but he did know the nurses said she slept even more than a newborn baby. She was constantly sleeping and when Mary was there and he wasn’t, he found himself texting or calling just for an update. He looked down to find Mary was finally relaxing, her eyes becoming heavy and he was grateful for moments like this. Moments where it was just the two of them trying to process everything that had happened in their lives. Even as she sat here falling asleep, he was trying to process everything that had happened. From walking with her in at the carnival at Downton, to finding her in a puddle of her own blood to holding her hand as doctors and nurses brought Olivia into the world. Now they were left to process this. Instead of bringing home a little baby, they were derailed by what could turn into weeks of her staying in a hospital room. They were two weeks into this and the doctor wasn’t even considering having a conversation with them in regards to sending Olivia home. She said once the baby could manage to eat on her own, they could talk about it and deep down he was terrified too, but Mary was trying to put this all on her shoulders. It wasn’t something she needed to feel bad about or like a failure for. She was doing her best and it was up to Olivia’s body to ultimately do it and he believed she would. That didn’t mean it wasn’t scary. It was.


	54. Chapter 54

_The elevator was moving slow. Way too slow. It was a hospital. A hospital was a place where the elevator needed to go fast or at least a normal pace. Slow was unacceptable. Slow wasn’t right. What if someone was hurt or sick that was riding on the elevator and or a doctor needed to get somewhere urgently? It was absurd. Matthew had gone to park the car and instead of walking in with him, she begged him to drop her off at the door. She needed to get into her baby. As they turned into the hospital, she felt her stomach turn. Something wasn’t right. She needed to see her. Now. When the heavy elevator doors opened, she ran out, passing by a busy nurses station and down the hall to the special nursery where Olivia Katherine was being taken care of. When she burst through the door and pushed the curtain back, he was standing there, holding her baby in his arms. Richard Carlisle, the man who had nothing to do with Olivia except his donation to creating her was standing in front of the empty incubator, holding the little girl in his arms. Except now she was a bit bigger with blonde hair and with a pacifier in her mouth, sleeping. “She’s beautiful.”_

  
_“Put her down.” Mary said through her teeth, trying to step forward but something stopped her. “She’s not yours.”_

  
_“She’ll always be a little bit of mine.” Richard smirked. “No. You can’t stop that. One day she’ll get older and resent you. Although most daughter’s do. Hate their mother’s, buddy up with their father. Will she be close with Matthew or will she hate you for letting a man raise her that isn’t her true blood?”_

  
_“No, she won’t.” Mary groaned, running her hands through her hair as he pressed a kiss to Olivia’s forehead. “Put her down! And don’t you dare kiss her.”_

  
_“Why?” Carlisle shrugged. “I got her to take the pacifier. I waited for you to try and feed her. The bond with her mother is important, until she decides she wants to know me of course.”_

  
_“You will never have access to her. Papa saw to that.” Mary bit back, unable to move from the spot where she was standing. “Listen to me. Put her down. Leave now and I won’t call security. You are banned from seeing either one of us and you know that.”_

  
_“Mary, you’re not going to call anyone. You know if I wanted, I could make you and Olivia leave with me now. You’re too afraid of me. So many nights I initiated...relations between us and you fought back. Fought and sometimes your slaps hurt me, but they just made me happier. I could hit you and you’d shut up. I don’t have to worry about your Papa’s little legal scenario. It makes no difference to me if you come or go. You’ll come back begging, because you deep down rely on me. Matthew will never have as much money as me. He’s doing well but he’ll never be able to have an endless bank account. God, Olivia looks like you. Smarter, I hope.”_

  
_“Put her down!” Mary began to cry and suddenly she began shaking so hard that she couldn’t catch her breath and Richard burst into a fit of laughter. As he laughed, Olivia began to cry, but Mary couldn’t move, she couldn’t reach her. Why couldn’t she move? She and her daughter were just crying and she couldn’t reach her. She needed to get to her but it was like her foot was stuck to the ground and before she knew it, he was walking past her with her daughter and she couldn’t reach him._

  
_He was just gone. And she was screaming._

  
_“No!”_

  
DADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADA Mary’s eyes opened to Matthew looking over her, his hand on her shoulder. She sat up, looking around as he stopped her. “Easy Mary….easy…”  
“What?” Mary looked down, Olivia was calmly sleeping on her chest, her small little fist just below her neck and she looked up at Matthew. “Oh…”  
“You just started shaking and yelling ‘no’.” Matthew frowned, stroking her cheek. “Nightmare?”  
“Yeah.” Mary breathed, looking around the room nervously, before looking down at Olivia. “Sorry. I just…it’s just us in here?”  
“Yeah.” He looked around, nodding. “Mary, why don’t I hold on to Olivia. You’re a bit frazzled.”  
“No, I’m fine. Just a dream.” Mary moved a hand over her face, wiping at her eyes. “Nightmare really.”  
“Do you need some fresh air?” Matthew asked, leaning over to kiss the top of her head, before moving back to the chair next to her. He leaned on the arm of his chair, moving a hand over Olivia’s diaper. “She’s asleep if you need some time.”  
“No.” Mary forced a tired smile, her heart still beating fast as she tried to remind herself that Richard Carlisle was nowhere near her. That he didn’t have the option to come find her or Olivia. Physically it wasn’t impossible, but he had nothing to gain from Olivia or her any longer and if there was one thing, he understood more than anything else, it was a business transaction. Still, that didn’t stop the nightmares from coming. The nightmares were something she didn’t talk about. At least not to Matthew. Then they had stopped when Olivia was born until just now. It didn’t mean they were back. Maybe it was just a rare event now. Not that it mattered. Olivia mattered. She was the most important and she was better than any nightmare that could happen while she was sleeping. She placed a soft kiss to her head, as the little one stirred in her arms. “I can’t believe how perfect she is.”  
“She’s insanely perfect.” Matthew sighed, before winking at her. “You’re pretty perfect too.”  
“So are you.” She winked back tiredly, before looking down as the tiny baby stretched, her legs curling. “Oh…are you going to wake up Miss. Squeak.”  
“Shall I remind you, that you made fun of me for calling her Squeaky and you’re just as guilty of it.” Matthew laughed as she remembered that the occupational therapist said to start moving Olivia into a feeding position when she woke up.  
“Well, she does squeak a lot.” Mary giggled, not wanting to let her bad dream take away from her time with Olivia or Matthew. She used her free hand to move her top out of the way of her breast as the therapist had suggested, stating that it was time to start urging Olivia even more by familiarizing her with her food source. “Will you hand me her pacifier?”  
“Sure.” Matthew pushed up, walking over to the counter where the nurses stored the clear green plastic piece for their little girl. Mary knew he was getting discouraged and that they were going to bring in a specialist if she didn’t make any improvements at the end of the week. “Here you go sweet Olivia.”  
“Thank you.” Mary breathed, taking the plastic nipple and lightly moving it around the baby’s pink lips, her eyes opening wide to look up at Mary. “Hello Darling. My sweet girl.”  
“She looks curious.” Matthew said, sitting forward as the small baby stretched her hand out, before moving her fingers to rest on Mary’s breast.  
“She does.” Mary bit her lip, as her little one looked up, their eyes meeting and she couldn’t help but smile. She moved the pacifier around a bit, before taking a deep breath and sitting it on the table next to her. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do if another specialist would have to come see Olivia. Mary moved to run finger lightly against her Olivia’s lips, smiling as Olivia opened her mouth, moving her head a little. “Are you hungry? It’s okay if you are. I can help you.”  
“It is, Squeaks. Time to fatten up.” Matthew said as Mary noticed the baby moving her head with her mouth open, trying to find somewhere to close it as Mary tried to help her on the breast. “Come on Olivia.”  
“Come on…” Mary breathed, remembering how the occupational therapist reminded her to keep putting Olivia on her breast if she expressed interest in her or the plastic pacifier. “Open your mouth little one…”  
“Olivia it’s easy. Open your mouth and put the boob in your mouth. I do it all the time.” Matthew smirked, reaching for his cell phone.  
“Matthew!” Mary gasped, her jaw hanging open before she shook her head.  
“What? I do!’ Matthew shrugged, with a little sheepish grin on his face. “How do you think your brother or sister will get here?”  
“Matthew…enough.” Mary couldn’t help but laugh, especially when Matthew made jokes. He had a way of lightening situations where she was tense or just making her feel better about things. Now, as Olivia opened her mouth a bit and she tried to position her to eat, Matthew was there encouraging her. Mary made several attempts to attach her baby, when finally, Olivia expressed strong interest, trying to figure out what to do with Mary. “Matthew…”  
“Mary, I think she’s trying.” Matthew jumped up, moving to kneel down on his knees in front of her. Mary never thought watching a little baby move her tongue around or open her mouth wide, could be comforting but right now it was. For the first time, Olivia expressed interest in not just sucking on a pacifier, but nursing which meant more Mary then she ever thought it would. Her mother had reminded her that if Olivia was fed and healthy, that was all that mattered. She was right. Fed was best. However, Mary had been through so much and she wanted this. She wanted to feed her daughter and feel like after all of this, she was helping her grow. Olivia had the odds against her at conception. Then she had come close to losing her when Carlisle attacked her and then she had come alarmingly early. This was what Mary needed and Olivia. Olivia needed this the most. So, Mary felt her eyes moisten as the small baby kept fighting to latch on, reminding Mary that the therapist said she would likely take several attempts and it might take a bit before she was actually able to be fed. Still, the day the tube was removed, Mary knew she would be happy. “Mary!”  
“I see her.” Mary giggled through her tears as the baby missed, but still managed to move her tongue around her mouth, occasionally closing her lips on Mary’s skin. “Matthew….I…oh my god.”  
“I told you this would get better.” Matthew replied, when Mary looked up his own eyes looked a bit moist. “This is the first time she’s made a single gesture to feed.”  
“We have to show the doctor. She said once she expressed interest, she would get the therapist in there to help guide her so she can learn to swallow.” Mary looked up at him as he stood up. “Please.”  
“Going.” Matthew smiled proudly, taking a moment to place a kiss on both of their cheeks, before leaving the hospital room.  
“Oh Olivia. We can do this.” Mary whispered, trying to run her fingers over Olivia’s lips as she twirled her young, moving her tiny hand on Mary’s breast, hitting her. Mary couldn’t help but smile as the looked down at her tiny hand, Olivia staring up at her. She loved the way her baby looked up at her, trying to figure out the details of the world. Olivia had a way of looking curious, but also comforted when she looked at her. It was as if she just looked at her to make sure that she was okay and Mary was more than happy to be that look of reassurance. Olivia was so small and as she made small improvements, Mary wanted to cry, because it felt like the looks of reassurance were there and working. It was as if she looked at her mother to make sure that what she was doing was okay. Was it okay to try and eat now? Was it okay to breathe without the mask? Every step Olivia took, it was as if she and Mary had walked through it together and it seemed all a bit poetic. Two weeks had come and gone, and Mary was starting to feel like one day, she might get to take a healthy baby home. No nightmares. Just dreams.


	55. Chapter 55

Hey all! Sorry for the delay! I opted to take classes through the summer to, but I had to pass a huge exam to be able to take one of them. I passed, but I am seriously lacking sleep! Thank you for the great comments, I love hearing from you and hope that you guys are all still enjoying the story! Love to you all and thank you for being patient with me 😊 

The way Matthew loved Mary, was insane. It was an exhausting, exhilarating, satisfying and insatiable love. He couldn’t get enough of her. He had seen her through the absolute worst and then he had seen her at the absolute best. Or at least the absolute best so far. Olivia. Olivia had come into this world and the little wonder in his arms made every trouble worth it. He was absolutely in love with this little girl and her mother. The very idea that life hadn’t gone the way he had planned, was just fine. He had Mary and then there had been this one in a millionth chance of a shooting star that had launched her way into their lives and he couldn’t help but feel so lucky. It had a been a full week since she had first shown interest in any form of nursing or eating. One week later and she was still on the feeding tube. She hadn’t quite mastered swallowing, so every time she tried to nurse, the milk ran off her face or she would start to choke, the doctors had still praised Mary for her dedication and advised her to keep trying. It had been discouraging to the love of his life, but she remained passionate about continuing to try. It wasn’t as if she was having any success with bottles, if anything, she showed no interest in bottles. She loved the pacifier, but couldn’t keep up with it. She was so small, that she couldn’t keep it in, because her mouth just hadn’t been able to figure out a pattern. Matthew truly wanted her to figure it out, but he had to admit it was cute to watch her try. It was also pretty cute to see the relationship she had formed with Mary. Matthew couldn’t get enough of it. He could watch Mary rock with her all day, holding her against her bare skin. It had been no secret that Olivia had done better with Mary from the very start. The moments that she was on Mary’s skin, yielded the greatest results. It made sense. Mary was her mother. Except one thing that set it apart, was Mary was special. Mary was known by some people to be a bit cold. He knew better. He had always known a different side of her that some of society didn’t. Then Olivia had come and it would be impossible for anyone to miss her bond with her. He was just lucky to be one to fall witness to it. The way the two looked at each other, the way they fell asleep together and the only thing that could make it more perfect, was if she was at home with them.   
He felt in his gut like the time was coming. The time where a doctor would come in and tell them it was time to take her home. Being away from her was taking its emotional toll on the both of them. It made sense that it would. It wasn’t that they were struggling to get along, in fact they were getting along incredibly well, because they were so on love. However, Mary was quite emotional and it seemed like she had been having nightmares. Or just not sleeping well. It was time to get their little girl home. Except, she wasn’t gaining much weight. She was gaining enough to keep doctor’s comfortable that she was doing well, but not enough to start the conversation of going home. Mary would have only been a little over thirty-three weeks pregnant and it wasn’t unusual to the doctors that she wasn’t ready to go home. It wasn’t impossible that she would make that way soon, but it wasn’t always expected. Some babies could be in the hospital longer than their mother’s due dates when they came early. Some were sent home right at forty weeks and even fewer were sent home before then. He had no idea where Olivia would fall on that metric. He wanted her home now, but that patience was the only option. So, he would settle for holding her on his chest, while he rocked her alone in the hospital’s special nursery. He never quite got over the shock of how small she was. She was truly the definition of delicate, according to Mary. Except she was also very tough. She had already had more blood taken, shots, medications and treatments than anyone in her little amount of time on earth should have.   
“Sorry, I took so long.” Isobel Crawley walked into the room, causing Matthew to look up and away from the small child resting peacefully in his arms. His mother had convinced Mary to go home and get some rest, promising that she would stay the day and send Matthew home soon after. “I literally had to tuck Mary into bed to make sure that she would rest.”  
“Was she trying to find things that need worked on in the nursery again?” Matthew chuckled as Olivia shifted her head slightly.  
“No.” Isobel laughed, walking over to the sink and sticking her hand under the sensor powered soap. “She wanted to research what she could eat that would make her milk more filling for Olivia. To make her gain weight faster.”  
“I wish she wouldn’t worry so much.” Matthew sighed, kissing the top of Olivia’s head.   
“She’s a mother, worrying is what she does now.” Isobel took a paper towel to dry her hands, before tossing it in the waste paper basket.   
“She’s struggling with Olivia not being with her.” Matthew replied, as Isobel walked over, carefully sliding her arms around Olivia and lifting her off of Matthew, before moving to sit down in the rocking chair next to Matthew. His mother was quite fond of Olivia already, although he wasn’t sure anyone could deny being fond of her. “I can tell she feels guilty that Olivia is so small, but I don’t think there is anything I can do to convince her that she’s done nothing wrong.”  
“Matthew.” Isobel said calmly, adjusting Olivia in her arms. “Being a mother is hard. It’s not easy, because you only want what is best for your child’s wellbeing. Their health and their happiness. Both of you as parents will spend most of your days filled with worry or conflicting thoughts over whether you’re doing it right. Mary is a mother now. It’s common for her to worry, then add in this difficulty with Olivia and her past trauma, it all is very justified. She’s not at fault, but she feels responsible for fixing it.”  
“So, you’re telling me, Mary isn’t resting at home right now?” Matthew laughed tiredly, handing his mother a second blanket for Olivia.   
“Relax.” Isobel chuckled, stroking Olivia’s back. “I checked in before I left and she was finally asleep. I told her that you would likely be tired when you got back, but that she should get a head start. She looks like she hasn’t slept in days and she’s not even home with her baby yet.”  
“She wakes up constantly.” Matthew replied, reaching for his phone off of the small table beside him. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find her research new baby tubs, because she’s worried the one, we have is too big for Olivia.”  
“To be fair, everything is too big for Olivia.” Isobel responded, before clutching the small baby’s hand in hers. “I mean, have you ever seen hands so small?”  
“No.” Matthew couldn’t help but laugh as his mother kissed the baby’s long fingers. “Mary and I obsess over how small her hands are. Have you seen the tiny diapers? Smaller than the palm of my hand.”  
“Well, she couldn’t wear a new born sized diaper.” Isobel laughed. “It would slide right off, wouldn’t its Olivia?”  
“She’s too small for most of her clothes, thank god for you and Cora ordering her a few.” Matthew said, unlocking his phone and pulling up his camera application. “Mary ordered a few too, but we appreciate all that you have done for Olivia.”  
“You don’t have to thank me. Mary said it about fifty times when we were back at the house.” Isobel replied with a grin on her face. “She’s my grandchild. My first grandchild and I reserve the right to stock her shelves with the things she needs, until she’s old enough to ask for the things she wants.”  
“You intend to spoil her?”   
“As her grandmother, it is my job. Just like her brothers and sisters.” Isobel explained. “When the time comes.”  
“Hopefully it won’t take too long.” Matthew said quietly, wondering when a good time to mention to Mary that he wanted at least two of his children to be close together.   
“Matthew.” Isobel sighed, adjusting Olivia to sit a bit higher on her chest. “Mary is going to need things to slow down after this. She needs some stability and time for things to be good and calm.”  
“I’m not talking anytime soon, but I would like to talk about it when Olivia’s about one.” Matthew shrugged his shoulders. “I think that’s something you should be open about. Olivia knows I want more children.”  
“And maybe at a year, she’ll be ready. Just hold off on the conversation until Olivia’s home and you’ve both had time to adjust to being parents. A lot has happened to Mary and to you.” Isobel explained to him carefully, her voice quiet and even. “It’s easy to get caught up in the good and the bad. Just give yourselves some time. Especially Mary. I adore her and am so thrilled that she’s letting me be Olivia’s grandmother, but I also want Mary to thrive. I want her to finally have some time to adapt to her life.”  
“I do too.”  
“Matthew, she’s been through more than you and I will be able to comprehend.” Isobel shook her head, before looking at her son, which caused him to feel shivers when he realized how serious her face was. “My friend Doris, her son is an officer in Belgium. Apparently onetime Carlisle was yelling at Mary so much in a hotel room, that the neighbor’s called the cops. Her suffering abuse is no secret to any of us, but it just serves as a reminder that we need to keep that in mind.”  
“When I think about the things, he did to her, I could knock him out.” Matthew found himself feeling nausea in the pit of his stomach when the thought of what Richard Carlisle did to her lurked in his mind. “He’s the scum of the earth.”  
“That he is.” Isobel confirmed, stroking Olivia’s dark hair. “But being angry when he’s out of your lives isn’t helpful and it certainly isn’t important. What is helpful and what is important is giving Mary a sense of stability once this latest change slows down. It will help her adapt to a new normal. None of the last year or two of her life has been normal. If you want to have more kids, she’s going to have to settle into this life first.”  
“You’re right.” Matthew sighed as a text from Mary came across his phone screen. “Speaking of, she’s awake.”  
“Oh goodness, Olivia.” Isobel whispered. “I told her to get some rest. She didn’t listen.”  
“She’s not always the best listener.” Matthew laughed as the text from Mary asked if he thought she should come back to the hospital to try and feed Olivia. He couldn’t help but smile, wondering if he should tell her yes, except he thought he might be able to convince her to rest if he was home. “She’s an amazing mother. She’s so worried about Olivia eating.”  
“Cora and I were talking about that this morning. I went over to the house to discuss the Nurse’s Ball in town. Of course, we spent a large portion of the time doing what grandmother’s do. Speaking about Olivia and comparing pictures.” Isobel admitted, smiling at her son. “She was always meant to be Olivia’s mother and your wife, no matter how we got here.”  
“Do you think she’ll ever start to do better?” Matthew asked, hating himself for asking.   
“You don’t think she’s improved at all?” Isobel frowned.   
“I see moments. Glimmers in her eye when she makes a smart comment or when a giggle escapes her lips.” Matthew sighed.   
“I think she’s going to be changed forever by what has happened to her. The good and the bad.” Isobel shrugged and he wondered why he even asked. It wasn’t a question he should have asked. It would never change the way he felt. “I think she’ll be changed, but she’ll always be Mary. She’ll improve greatly, but the scars both physically and mentally will always be apart of her. That is why they are called scars. The goal is for her to find a normal, stable life with great happiness and I think she’s finding that with you and Olivia. Don’t force anything, she’ll come to those things including baby number two in her own time.”  
“And maybe baby number three.” Matthew teased.   
“Give her time to heal from the first one.” He could tell his mother couldn’t help but burst into laughter as he said that and he was thankful that she was ready to lighten the mood. She was always the one to help bring laughter. He looked down at his phone and Mary asked if he would be coming home soon. He figured they could take a nap and maybe come back in the evening to put Olivia down for bed. At least something like that. She wasn’t exactly on any sort of schedule and she had started to become quite fussy in the evenings. Mary wanted to be there for that, to try and feed her and help her be calmer. The doctor said that as she grew, she would develop like a baby closer to full term. So, she had started to cry a bit more, although it wasn’t much and she was starting to be more aware. Mary didn’t want to miss a moment of it and truth be told, neither did Matthew. It was odd how they hadn’t brought Olivia home yet and the house felt empty without her. It was like her presence in Mary’s womb was so huge, that there was a hole in the feeling of their home. Even Cora and Robert mentioned it when they stopped by the house one night. Olivia was supposed to be home with them and that void, could only be filled by having her with them, in their possession. So, he would go home and convince her to rest. That way she had the energy to spend the evening with Olivia and maybe they could help her take steps towards coming home.


	56. Chapter 56

As Mary held her baby close to her chest, she was reminded of how lucky she was to be holding Olivia. In reality, things could have gone terribly wrong on a few occasions. When Carlisle had attacked her, there could have very quickly ceased to be an Olivia. Then the idea that she had come so early, but tried to start coming days earlier. What if she had been just too small? What if she hadn’t had those few extra days and steroids for her lungs? The universe could be wicked at times and she wondered if she would ever fully understand it. Except she knew she didn’t need to. She needed to take one look at her baby and remind herself just how lucky she was that there was an Olivia Katherine to stare at. She was so beautiful. She never could get over that and she found it hard to look away from the small and delicate face resting on her chest. Matthew had run to pick them up some drinks and snacks and she had decided to have him drop her off so that she could get a head start on trying to feed her. She managed to get a few suckles, before she drifted to sleep and left Mary feeling a bit disappointed. Her latch hadn’t improved and she just wasn’t getting much yet from the bottle or her breast and she tired quickly. Dr. Lee insisted Olivia was doing just fine and the fact that she was trying at all was a great sign. She said one day she would likely just pick up and do it. So, Mary was trying to stay strong and she was still motivated. Olivia had a way of motivating her and she wanted her home. That was no secret. Olivia was getting more snuggly as the days went on. She had been from the beginning, but as she grew even the slightest bit, it got even better. It was as if she snuggled them right back, the way she relaxed against them. Regardless, it was time to have their little girl home. It was hard to imagine, but it was becoming more difficult to leave her at night. For a few days, Mary hadn’t cried when she left, but then it started again and sometimes she could swear Matthew had tears in his own eyes. It was hurting their hearts, to have their baby too far away. It was time to have her close, in their home with them. When Mary sat in bed at night, she just wanted to nuzzle her nose next to Olivia and have her close. She and Matthew still were not on the same page on whether or not Olivia could be in bed with them at all. Matthew was too worried that something would happen and Mary just wanted to have Olivia close. Sleeping with Olivia on her chest had become her new favorite thing, even if it was while she sat in a hospital chair with machines around them. Mary looked down at the baby on her chest, letting out a little giggle as she moved her lips as if she was nursing in her sleep “Livvy…you’re supposed to do that when I try to feed you.”  
“Is she sleep suckling again.” Matthew announced his entry to the room, holding up the bag of items.  
“Yes.” Mary laughed as he walked over, kissing the top of her head, before placing a kiss on top of Olivia’s. “She should be waking up soon and I’ll try again.”  
“Did she eat at all while I was gone?” Matthew asked, walking over to a table to open a bottle of water.  
“Not much. She fell asleep immediately.” Mary replied, stroking her baby’s cheek before smiling and kissing the side of her head. “Before I tried to feed her, she was awake for a bit. Looking around. She got a bit fussy and that’s when I tried.”  
“She’s been fussy the last few days.” Matthew frowned as he made his way to sit down next to her and hand open her own bottled water. She took it in her hand for a moment to take a quick drink, before handing him the bottle back. “Did you get to talk to Dr. Lee about it yet?”  
“She thinks that the feeding tube is starting to irritate her, but that she wants to give it a few days before removing it and inserting a new one or doing something surgical.” Mary sighed as Olivia just slightly moved her hands.   
“Surgical?” Matthew’s worry grew across is face.   
“If they begin to feel the feeding tube isn’t working or is hurting her too much, there is a way they can do it through her stomach.” Mary sighed, feeling a bit worried but trying to remember that the doctor said that was highly unlikely right now. “She’s hoping that her interest in feeding continues to grow and that they can remove it once she begins to take a few feedings.”  
“Oh.” Matthew let out a sigh of relief, watching Olivia intently. “And you asked about her stomach being distended?”  
“Dr. Lee is watching, but she’s not concerned. She doesn’t have any other major issues, but she is constipated.” Mary said with a light giggle, her face getting red. “Sorry.”  
“What are you sorry for?” Matthew laughed and she could tell it was just because she was.   
“I never thought I would ever confidently say someone was constipated and care so much about it”   
“I have to say, I never thought I would hear you even say constipated.” Matthew admitted, breaking into a chuckle. “Lady Mary is a mother now.”  
“Lady Mary just wants her little girl to come home.” Mary smiled, looking down and kissing Olivia’s cheek before shifting her in her arms. She stroked her hair, smiling as the baby let out a deep breath, curling into her side as she held her on her side. “Don’t you want to come home Olivia? We have the perfect bedroom for you and a stuffed elephant named Elliot. Lots of dresses, bows and a cradle next to my bed. Everything you could possibly need.”  
“And if we’re missing something, we can get it.” Matthew replied, leaning over to push Mary’s hair out of the way and Mary looked up, smiling.   
“We’ll need to wash the preemie clothes.” Mary sighed, looking up at him. “Dr. Lee said if we want to bring some in the next day or two, we can put sleepers that fit around the monitor on her.”  
“Anna actually went to get them this morning to have that taken care of at the big house.” Matthew said, sending a wave of relief through her body.   
“Oh, great.” Mary sighed, as Olivia began suckling with her lips again in her sleep. “Olivia…wake up. I would so kindly like for you to try and eat again. For the sake of both of our comfort levels.”

“Take the blanket off of her.” Matthew tugged at the pink fabric. “She’ll wake up.”  
“I know.” Mary sighed, hating the idea of forcing Olivia to wake up. Every they took her covers off, Olivia would begin to cry as she was cold and immediately Mary felt terrible. As Matthew took the blanket and began to fold it, Olivia pulled her small legs to her stomach, her face scrunching as she began to cry and her face turned red. “Oh darling. Don’t cry.”  
“Olivia…” Matthew pushed up from his chair, moving to kneel in front of Mary. She smiled as Matthew placed his hand on Olivia’s head, his lips moving to her small ear as he whispered. “Hey…stop that.”  
“Olivia.” Mary whispered, reaching to adjust her nursing bra as Matthew tried to soothe Olivia clenched her whole body as she quietly cried.   
“Her cries are getting louder.” Matthew smiled, pressing a kiss to Olivia’s small hand as Mary freed her breast and he stood up.   
“I never knew we could be grateful for her getting louder.” Mary giggled, taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes, trying to remember the steps the occupational therapist taught her to help Olivia latch. She held Olivia’s head even, opening her eyes again before urging her onto the breast. Olivia squirmed, closing her eyes, but opening her mouth as she continued to whimper from the cold air. “Can I have her blanket?”  
“Yeah.” Matthew breathed, helping Mary cover Olivia again on her back as she fought to get her to attach.   
“Come on Livvy…” Mary breathed, her thumb lightly brushing light strokes against Olivia’s tiny ear. She knew it took Olivia a moment to latch during the prior attempts. She adjusted her breast a bit, before remembering it was meant that Olivia was to make her way to it, instead of forcing her. Olivia had latched briefly before, but never did she have much success. Finally, after several minutes, Olivia opened her small mouth wide, before lightly closing her lips a round Mary’s breast and producing light suckling motions against Mary. “Oh my god.”  
“What?” Matthew looked over at her as he sat back down in the chair. Mary couldn’t get her words together; all she could do was stair at her little girl whose mouth was definitely rhythmically moving against her. Finally, he spoke. “Is she doing it?”  
“Yes…yes I think she is.” Mary couldn’t help but smile as the odd feeling of Olivia eating off of her breast began to set it. It didn’t necessarily feel good physically, but she was pretty sure this was one of the best moments of her life. Olivia was definitely eating and while she was eating slowly, Mary felt like Olivia might fall asleep eventually. Still this was the most Olivia had ever tried. She was definitely eating and for the last minute or two, she was consistently feeding. “We can’t forget to weigh her after she eats. Dr. Lee said that his how we know if she’s eating enough.”   
“Olivia.” Matthew smiled proudly, Mary feeling his eyes on her. “It’s time to fatten up so we can take you home.”  
“You’re doing so well, Olivia.” Mary couldn’t stop smiling. Even as Olivia stopped for a moment, before picking back up, Mary felt her heart beating out of her chest. For the first time in her short life, Olivia was eating on her own. She didn’t stop, even as Matthew’s phone rang and a call came in from his office that he had to take. Olivia seemed to be relaxed, eating and even moving her hands to rest on her own face as she ate. Previously she had fallen asleep, or even raised her hands to show signs of distress. Still, Olivia was eating and that meant it was a huge step in her getting bigger and stronger. Mary was thrilled and she knew Matthew and Dr. Lee would be as well. It was the biggest step in insuring that that Olivia was going to get stronger. It meant that she would continue to gain weight and maybe could have this ridiculous tube removed sooner than later. The tube that was clearly irritating to her young baby. It tore Mary apart to see her attached to the tube and vitals monitor, even if it was a great change from the amount of cords, she had been attached too during her first days. No cords would be the best sight for Mary’s eyes. Matthew was speaking in the hallway, but Mary couldn’t take her eyes off of the little wonder being breastfed in her own arms. Her little girl was amazing, brave and a miracle. Nothing short of that and she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t thought itA that way before. Olivia Katherine was a miracle and a mighty one at that.


	57. Chapter 57

Olivia was fussy. Beyond fussy and Mary was trying everything she could to remedy it. Since she had fed successfully for the first time, Olivia was eating on her own. The doctor hadn’t ordered a single tube feed and now she and Matthew were waiting for Dr. Lee to come and determine if they could remove the feeding tube. Mary had a feeling that the tube was the cause for her fussiness, because there had been several indicators that it had caused some irritation. For the last few days, Olivia had been fussy and only consoled when she was sleeping or being fed. Mary couldn’t complain that she was the one who could stop her baby from crying, but she hated knowing that she was agitated and probably in a tiny bit of pain in her nose and throat. She had no way of telling them exactly what was wrong, so all Mary and Matthew could do was try and soothe her. The pacifier and breastfeeding seemed to be her only relief, because that was how they could put her to sleep. It was odd. For the past three and a half weeks, she had actually been very low maintenance and didn’t require much of their help. However, since she had been fussy, it had required so much more effort which Mary didn’t mind, especially now that she was eating. Except it was hard to see her baby upset. One the plus side, Mary had to admit that she loved that her baby could wear clothes now. As precious as it was to have to have her baby in just a diaper, the preemie clothes that their family and friends had given them were adorable. Today, Olivia was wearing a tiny sleeper in light pink with little bunny ears on the feet that Matthew would put on her after her bath. It was darling and Mary just continued to burst with love for her little girl. And Matthew. He was an amazing father and she was pretty sure that Olivia was the luckiest baby girl on the planet. Mary was standing by, watching him give her a sponge bath as they waited for the doctor. Olivia had normally loved her baths, but even during this, she was fussing. Mary’s job this time was the stand over her, trying to get her to take the pacifier. She was doing okay with it, but she seemed to know Mary was right there and it seemed she was crying if only to get Mary to take her and feed her. “You’re not hungry. You just ate.”  
“She’s spoiled.” Matthew laughed as Olivia stopped crying for a just a moment, looking up at the lights. Mary couldn’t stop smiling at how the little one seemed so amazed by the hospital lights, when Mary thought they were so cold feeling. She wondered what Olivia would think of being home and Mary found herself wishing there was a dog or someone to introduce her to at home. Elliot, the soft white little bunny would have to do. Who was she? Matthew had joked about buying Olivia a dog one day and immediately Mary had shut him down, except she was reminded about how she had been apart of a home that had dogs in it from before she was even born. Now, her father insisted on reaching out to breeders to get Olivia a dog, but said he would only bite the bullet once he got the okay. Immediately, she had told him no. Except Matthew kept reminding her and right now, she wondered if ‘no’ was the right choice. She was losing it. Clearly her emotions from having a baby were messed up and she had never realized it, because now she was tearing up and Matthew noticed. “What’s wrong?”  
“I’m emotional for the dumbest reasons, these days.” Mary laughed weakly, taking Olivia’s small hand. “Papa wants to get Olivia a dog and now I feel like I am depriving her of a dog.”  
“I told you we could.” Matthew laughed, pressing a kiss to the side of her cheek. “You said no.”  
“I don’t know.” Mary sighed, leaning into him as Olivia began to cry again and he returned to washing her stomach. She leaned over, pressing her lips against the side of Olivia’s head. Her daughter was agitated and it broke Mary’s heart. “It seems like a big step in addition to a new baby. A puppy would require a lot of attention.”  
“That’s true.” Matthew replied as the door opened and Dr. Lee walked in in with a shorter woman behind her. “Doctor. Hi.”  
“Hello Mary and Matthew.” Dr. Lee grinned as she walked over to the sink and the nurse waited her turn to wash her hands. “I was reviewing the weight log or Olivia and she’s turned into quite the eater.”  
“I feel like she’s constantly attached.” Mary felt a bit proud as the doctor dried her hands and Matthew finished up with her bath.  
“That’s a really good thing.” Dr. Lee approached the table as Matthew moved her to lay on the small pink blanket before moving out of the way. “She already looks like she’s grown just a bit.”  
“Her cheeks have gotten a little puffy.” Matthew laughed, as he moved to stand by Mary, his hand positioning on her back. Mary smiled as he placed a soft kiss against her head.   
“They have.” Dr. Lee nodded at the nurse, before turning her body to look at them. “She’s been eating overnight the last two nights which is really good. Since she’s eating on her own, I am comfortable taking the tube out today.”  
“Right now?” Matthew asked.   
“This afternoon.” Dr. Lee turned back to Olivia, shifting the tube in her nose and the nurse held a light for her to see better. “She’s definitely ready for this tube to come out, aren’t you Ms. Olivia?”  
“We noticed it has been irritating her.” Mary spoke softly, looking up at Matthew for reassurance.   
“It is.” Dr. Lee frowned, taking her stethoscope to Olivia’s chest. “Poor baby. I promise to take it out as soon as I get done with my c-section this afternoon. Your heart is nice and strong. You’re doing amazing.”  
“Is it possible to start talking about taking her home?” Mary asked almost bluntly and she felt Matthew tense up as if he was nervous. He probably was.   
“Well today is Saturday.” The doctor looked over at the calendar at the wall as the nurse checked vitals on the baby. “Let’s try for Monday afternoon. I will have someone set up an appointment tomorrow or Monday morning for CPR training. The hospitals all over it, but we require it for preemies. It’s just a nice thing to learn in the event of an emergency, then of course we’ll have you check in with her pediatrician every forty-eight hours for weight checks until she’s a bit bigger.”  
“Monday…” Matthew breathed, looking at Mary nervously. “She’ll be okay? It’s safe?”  
“She’s been stable since a few days after she was born, her temperature is good and now she’s eating.” Dr. Lee nodded as she spoke and the nurse took Olivia over to be weighed on the scale. “We will have you take her home with a night time monitor to track her heart rate if you don’t have one. Just for the first few weeks.”  
“We gone a foot monitor.” Mary replied, taking Matthew’s hand. “It’s called an Owlet.”  
“Perfect.” Dr. Lee smiled as the nurse sat Olivia into the nursery cradle and it was relief to Mary to see her no longer being placed in the incubator. “You’re all prepared.”  
“We still have a few things to get ready.” Matthew ran his hand through his hair and it clicked with Mary that they had some last-minute things to finish. “But I think we’re okay on the things she’ll need. Will we need to do anything else to catch her up?”  
“As far as her weight and height go, I don’t want to view it as catching up.” Dr. Lee leaned against the counter, talking with her hands. “Olivia is quite small naturally, which is absolutely fine. She’ll likely always be a bit little compared to other kids her age and that is okay. Her weight may start to balance out with the other kids, but I predict she’ll always just be little. Dainty and cute.”  
“Dr. Lee, it’s five minutes to two.” The nurse replied, looking over at the clock.   
“Oh my.” Dr. Lee looked down at her watch, before up at Mary and Matthew. “We will be back in to get the tube out of Ms. Olivia. When is the last time you fed her?”  
“A little over an hour ago.” Mary replied, checking the clock on the wall.   
“Okay.” Dr. Lee replied, reaching for Olivia’s chart. “Hold off on feeding her. I don’t want her to choke when we’re trying to remove the tube. We’ll have you feed her again about an hour after the tube is removed. We don’t want her to have anything to get caught in there and she’ll probably be a bit upset with us when we do it. We just want to make sure she’s nice and clear when we remove that tube.”  
“Alright.” Mary nodded as Dr. Lee moved to the door. Matthew told the nurse and Dr. Lee goodbye as Mary walked right over to the baby cradle, lifting her little girl into her arms. “Shh…”  
“Monday.” Matthew stood there, looking over at her and Olivia. “We should be able to take her home on Monday.”  
“What do we even do?” Mary asked as she moved to sit down in the rocking chair as Olivia began to drift off to sleep. “I mean…I know at some point we are taking her home, but what are we supposed to do with her? I…are we even ready at home?”  
“There is nothing hung up on the shelves of her nursery.” Matthew replied, panic growing across his face. “She came so early. I didn’t even put the bassinet together. Where is she supposed to sleep once we get home with her? She can’t sleep away from us in the nursery.”  
“We should probably try to work on things tonight.” Mary was feeling nervous too, except when she looked back down at Olivia, she stopped feeling panicked and remembered just how much she wanted her baby home with her. The time was coming and now she was nervous and she was pretty sure Matthew was freaking out more than she was. That never happened. She probably would be doing the same and as much as he was, if she wasn’t holding this little wonder in her arms. There was something magical about her right now, knowing that she had come so far. Forever knowing that she was going to come home and there would be an end put to having to put her to bed than driving miles away from her. It was devastating and now they had the chance to discuss her coming home and a goal to work towards and it wasn’t a far away one. It was a realistic goal with a day in mind. As Matthew opened up his phone to create a list of things they needed to do, she just stared at the baby girl in her arms, wondering what it would be like to sit in her bed and just stare at her.


	58. Chapter 58

Today was the day. Olivia Katherine was coming home with them. It was also a record-breaking day. Matthew was breaking the record for the slowest he had ever driven down the streets of Downton. Even Mary who was filled with worry, was teasing him for his lack of speed. He couldn’t help it. Olivia was small and delicate. Mary had sat in the back with her on the ride home and every little bump they both held their breath, afraid that it might jolt their little girl too suddenly or hard. He was driving quite slowly, several cars had passed him, but that didn’t matter. Olivia was so small and perfect and he wasn’t willing to risk the slightest harm to her. Even if it was ridiculous. As he stopped at one of the lights in town, he looked back to find Mary adjusting the blanket on the car seat for the hundredth time. She constantly pulled it away and redid it to make sure that it didn’t cover Olivia’s face. They would likely be teased for their roles as new parents, but it didn’t matter. She was so perfect. When they had brought her out and placed her in the car, Mary had burst into tears. She said it was because she was overwhelmed and she was right. She had been very overwhelmed all along and with as crazy as everything got, sometimes he forgot her own hormones were still all over the place. She hadn’t had any time at all to deal with the post pregnancy hormones and the doctor had reminded them of that. All of her emotions were warranted and expected. Dr. Lee and Dr. Morrison had explained that it was quite common given the rush of things and like clockwork, her emotions had gone a bit crazy. She had cried more in two days, than he thought she had cried since her first trimester of pregnancy. It was quite a lot to deal with, along with the pressure of bringing a little one home. However, he had been reminded about everything his mother had said to him about what Mary went through and her need for stability. He never wanted her to cry and he never wanted to be the cause for her tears. So, he was going to support her through every emotional moment. The good, the bad and the adorable tears. “We’re almost there.”  
“Are we?” Mary asked from the back seat before peaking out the window behind her. “It feels as if we have hours left. I don’t know that we’ll arrive with day light left at this speed.”  
“You must think you’re really funny.” Matthew rolled his eyes as he kept his hands evenly on the steering wheel, something he hadn’t done since his teens. “If it matters to you, people are driving insane today.”  
“I’m sorry.” Mary giggled tiredly and in a spirit of mockery.   
“Sure, you are.” Matthew laughed as they turned down the street that their house was on and he slowed down just a bit. “How is she doing back there?”  
“She’s sound asleep.” Mary’s voice sounded soft as she looked up at their house as Matthew approached it. “With all of the weight checks we’ll have to make at the doctor’s, it’s a good thing she sleeps in the car.”  
“Amen to that.” Matthew replied, stopping the car in front of the home he shared with Mary. Olivia’s home. Matthew stopped the car, looking back at Mary who was working to cover Olivia again, pulling the sun shield up on the car seat. “I will get her out. You can’t lift even the seat for another few weeks.”  
“C-sections aren’t always practical.” Mary giggled. He knew she sometimes forgot she was recovering from her own procedures and the doctor told them her limit of weight to lift was that of the baby. Olivia didn’t weigh much at all. “I promise I will ask Dr. Morrison to clear me when I go in on Wednesday. Six weeks seems absurd.”  
“I will enjoy taking care of you two.” Matthew looked back, before opening his door and getting out. He walked to the other side of the car, opening Mary’s door. He reached to take her hand as she stepped out, before sliding it to the back of her head before kissing her. “God, you’re beautiful.”  
“Mmm…get my baby.” She breathed against his lips.   
“Yes, my lady.” Matthew smiled, before leaning into the car and unhooking the car seat from its base. The tiny baby stayed sleeping as he pulled it back and stepped back out onto the driveway. He held up the car seat, before reaching in to grab the one bag they left the hospital with. They had managed to bring home everything else, making their trip with Olivia a lot easier. “Olivia, are you ready to go in and see your house?”  
“She’s practically bursting with excitement.” Mary rolled her eyes, before reaching into her purse. “Oh damn. I forgot my house keys.”  
“Pocket.” He said, nodding to the side of his jeans and she slid her hand in.   
“Thank you.” She sighed, pulling his keys out and stepping forward.   
“You lingered.” He smiled, watching as she unlocked the door to their home.   
“What?” She looked back, pushing their front door open as he walked up the steps of the home.   
“Your hand lingered in my pocket.” He joked, winking at her as he stepped into the house. “I don’t think its appropriate in front of a small baby, but I didn’t dislike it.”  
“You’re so full of yourself.” Mary shook her head and bit her lip. “Olivia, don’t listen to him. He’s been deprived.”  
“Don’t tell her that.” Matthew gasped, closing the door behind him. “We can’t be having dirty flirting in front of the baby.”  
“Oh, I see.” Mary giggled, sitting her purse on the entryway table and turning around. “What now? Do we sit her down? Take her out of the car seat? I don’t…she’s not crying so I can’t just feed her. I mean…she’ll want to eat soon. Do we…what do we do with it now?”  
“It?” Matthew laughed, moving his hand to her back. “What if we just take her upstairs to see the bedrooms? We can give her the tour when she’s awake.”  
“Okay.” Mary nodded eagerly, clasping her hands together as he began to walk towards the narrow stairway in the house. “Olivia, it’s time you see your room and our room. You’ll spend most of your time with us in our room for a while, but I imagine we’ll still change you in your room. Your grandmother worked very hard on making your father’s wishes come to life.”  
“Only the best for my ladies.” Matthew laughed as Mary pushed open the door to the nursery and he walked in, taking a deep breath as the realization that they finally had Olivia at home settled in. He felt a bit of a lump in his throat, before sitting the car seat down on the floor and squatting on his knees as he reached his hand to unbuckle her. “Let’s get you out of here.”  
“Careful with her head.” Mary reminded him and he almost rolled his eyes, except she was adorable when she worried about Olivia.  
“I’ve got her.” He stood, holding the tiny baby out in front of him, his hand on the back of her small head. He couldn’t believe how tiny she was and that the hospital sent her home, but he was so grateful for it and confident it was where she belonged. “Olivia, this is your bedroom.”  
“We’re so thrilled you’re here to see it.” Mary whispered, pressing a soft kiss on her head, before Matthew placed her on the changing table and she reached for the white elephant. “And this is Elliot. He’s been expecting you.”  
“I look forward to the day she carries him around and sneaks in our room at night with him in hand.” Matthew said, still not wanting to wish the time away. Olivia was tiny and a part of him wanted her to stay like this forever as he watched Mary lean over, pressing a kiss to the baby’s head.   
“Not too soon, I hope.” Mary whispered as the baby stretched, curling her entire body up and she just looked even smaller than before. Matthew smiled as Olivia looked towards the wall, her tiny fingers moving to her face and Mary let out a soft giggle. “You’re so very sweet.”  
“That she is.” Matthew smiled, watching Mary. He could watch her four hours as she admired her baby. He watched as she unbuttoned the knitted white sweater that they had put on her to leave the hospital. There was no need for it, now that she was home. ” Is that really the same sweater your granny came home in?”  
“As did my aunt and all of my sisters.” Mary said proudly, carefully taking the sweater to the closet as Matthew slid his finger in Olivia’s small fist. “Good Ole’ England.”  
“Some things never change.” Mary giggled, sliding it into a miniature garment bag. “And I got several pictures, so my family should be pleased.”   
“Welcome home Olivia, but I must warn you that you come from a family of tradition.” Matthew laughed, picking her up and curling her into his arms. She was so small as she let out a small yawn and her eyes fell closed again. “On your mother’s side at least.”  
“Your Grandma Isobel will teach about being a rebel as Granny rolls her eyes.” Mary teased. “And we shall love her for it.”  
“That we will.” Matthew chuckled as they walked around the bedroom and stopped in front of the window. “Your view is of the town. Seems fitting since everyone has a fine interest in you.”  
“And your grandmother Cora is counting down the days until we need a break so she can keep you for the night.” Mary giggled as Matthew pulled the curtain back. “I don’t have the heart to tell Mama that I don’t think I will ever need a break from you.”  
“I’m sure later down the road, we might want a date night or something.” Matthew laughed, closing the curtain. “Now let’s show you where you’ll be sleeping. We set your cradle up last night and its perfect.”  
“I can’t believe she’s here.” Mary breathed, as she pushed their own bedroom door open and stepped inside. He smiled as she walked over to the cradle, adjusting the blankets as if she didn’t want Olivia to see it first. “You have lots of soft blankets, so if the one I put in here doesn’t…you’re a baby. You don’t actually care.”  
“She just cares that she’s asleep.” Matthew chuckled as Mary sat on the bed and he stood in front of her, lowering Olivia slightly. He smiled as Mary moved her hands, taking Olivia into her own arms and the baby stirred just a bit. Mary was so in love with Olivia and he wondered if she knew how obvious she was. “Mary…”  
“Yes?” She moved her body back against the pillows, before resting Olivia on her legs as the small baby slept. She ran her fingers along the small baby’s legs, giggling as she stretched a bit.   
“You’re…an amazing mother.” He replied, moving his hand to her shoulder as he watched Olivia sleep. “You were meant to do this.”  
“I don’t know about that.” She replied, looking up him and taking a deep breath. “Still, I think I’m quite happy. With our life right now. Now that she’s home and you’re home with us for two weeks. I know we have to spend adequate time with our families, but I look forward to the moments that it is just the three of us.”  
“Me too.” Matthew admitted, sitting down on the bed beside her. Olivia was sleeping soundly as the watched her and Matthew let out a deep sigh. “I know we should be glad she’s sleeping, because soon she’ll be up and fussy, but I miss her when she’s asleep.”  
“I do too.” Mary burst into a soft laugh, leaning her head on his shoulder and he moved his hand to her back. “I want to wake her up, but I know that could be a mistake. Dr. Lee said she’ll form her schedule soon and eventually we will want her to sleep.”  
“I miss her when she’s sleeping.” Matthew admitted, stroking his finger on Olivia’s cheek.   
“Me too.” Mary groaned. “She’s literally perfect.”  
“We’re in trouble.”   
“We’re in trouble at home.” Matthew laughed, pressing a kiss against Mary’s cheek. “That’s better than being in trouble at the hospital. She’s fully ours now. No tubes or nurses coming in every hour. She’s just our little girl.”  
“Our little girl.” Mary breathed, pressing a soft kiss against his shoulder.   
“Now we just wait for her to do something.” Matthew sighed, watching the little baby sleep and occasionally move by stretching her hand. She was completely perfect and so was Mary. He was fascinated by how well Mary knew her already and he wondered how life would continue to be without the hospital. This was a whole new arena with new tasks, new adventure and challenges. The next two weeks at home with no work would probably go way too quickly, but he wanted to soak up every moment of it and bond with Olivia. They were bonding already so well, but there was a small part of him who worried what would happen when he went back to work. He was worried about not being with them constantly and Olivia forgetting him or losing that connection. It was silly and he knew that. He also knew that he wasn’t her blood and that didn’t matter to him at all. He was so in love with his little girl, but he never wanted her to forget who her father was. He wanted to always be enough for the woman and little girl in front of him. He was shy to admit his biggest fear, was not being enough for Olivia and Mary. They deserved the very best.


	59. Chapter 59

Mary was exhausted and not just the type of exhausted she had been during her pregnancy. This was a painful and emotional exhaustion with a little bit of bliss sprinkled in there somewhere. It had all started about an hour after they got home with Olivia. The first cry had happened. She had fed her baby, Matthew changed her and they rocked her back to sleep. It had been a piece of cake. Crumb cake, because Olivia had been up an hour later and almost demanded to be nursed again. Then it seemed like she kept needing to nurse and when she called the doctor for fear that something was wrong, they told her this was cluster feeding. Olivia simply demanded several feedings close together and only nursing for a short time. Now it was three in the morning and she was lightly tapping the little one’s back after her latest feed. As her mother, she was just sitting in the bed topless at this point, trying to soothe her with skin on skin and honestly just making herself ready for her next feed. The shirt seemed a bit pointless at this time when she was constantly adjusting it or taking it off to get Olivia comfortable. So, the blanket was pulled over her chest as she held her baby. Her very agitated baby who cried when she put her down. Matthew had tried really hard to not close his eyes, but for the last five minutes he had drifted off to sleep next to her and she was okay with that. He had done so much for her these last months and run himself ragged. He needed to rest and she didn’t mind being up with Olivia, even if she was exhausted. She pressed a soft kiss to her little one’s head, trying to sooth her before another crying fit would break out and wake Matthew or worse, keep her up for hours more. “Olivia, it’s time to sleep. You’re too little to be up this much. You have a world to conquer.”  
It was like Mary had flipped a switch, because immediately the little one began to fuss again, her tiny face scrunching up and becoming wrinkly. As tired as she was, she was obsessed with every face, every sound and every little thing her baby did. Mary’s situation had been anything but ideal when Olivia was created and she blamed herself a bit for being in a situation to create this bay. It had been irresponsible to let Carlisle sleep with her, not that she had much of a choice at the time. Even if she refused…he would have gotten his way. So now, Olivia was here and while her creation had been a mess, her life was beautiful. Mary was full with the guilt of being upset about being pregnant when she first found out, crying on the floor of her closet after Carlisle had shoved her in there for daring to ask him if he was happy. How dare she ask him such a stupid question, before hours later beginning to accuse her of cheating on him and getting pregnant. Everything had been a mess and while she loved her baby from the beginning, she had always worried that she would never get to actually hold her in her arms. So as tired as she was, she would do it every night if it meant Olivia was here with her and not at the hospital. Matthew was in bed next to her sleeping, her little one beginning to look around for her food source again and she was exhausted and she wouldn’t change a thing. Not willingly. “Olivia, aren’t you tired? When I cry, I get quite tired. You shouldn’t be passed out in exhaustion about now.”  
Mary kissed Olivia’s cheek, before lowering the blanket and exposing her breast for the little baby to eat. This time Olivia immediately attached, her eyes closing as she began to suckle for her milk. Mary couldn’t help but smile, stroking the little one’s head as she began to feed. Mary never thought that she would every feel as strong and powerful as he did in these moments, the moments where she knew her daughter relied on her. Never in her life had she felt so much purpose and she wondered when the time came, would she still feel this way? When Olivia was older and much more independent? How had had mother felt when she was old enough to care for herself? Although, she wasn’t sure that she had ever hit a point of being so independent. It was as if she had gone from her home, to Carlisle, to Matthew with her family making choices for her while things had gone wrong. It didn’t matter. Not now. Not when this little wonder as Matthew had referred to Olivia was falling asleep against her chest, another feeding ending too quickly. Still, Mary just smiled, taking her off of her breast, pulling the blanket back up and holding the little one against her. “Oh darling, if you wanted to spend so much time together, you must not realize how the next few years of our lives are going to go.”  
“She just wants to be with her mother.” Matthew’s voice startled her for moment and she looked over, to see the tired man in her bed, smiling sleepily. Mary looked down at him, smiling as the little one stretched her body, before letting out a loud wail. “Oh, the joys of new parenthood.”  
“She was hardly this emotional in the hospital.” Mary replied.   
“Why don’t I take her for a bit? Let you get some sleep.” Matthew sat up, holding his hands out. He was amazing and she needed to remember to tell him that.   
“I don’t need to sleep. This is my job, no nanny, remember?” Mary sighed, pressing a kiss to her baby before handing her over to Matthew. “Just hold her while I grab my robe. I think she needs a diaper change.”  
“I have to say, I know I am not supposed to be flirtatious in our days fresh at home, but I still don’t mind the site of you walking around topless.” Matthew chuckled, stifling a yawn as he stood from the bed. “I think it’s something that should become a regular thing.”  
“I’d be flattered if I didn’t feel like a dairy cow.” Mary worked to tie the robe, leaning over to press a kiss against Olivia’s cheek as Matthew waited for her. As Mary pulled her lips away, Olivia wrinkled her face and her skin turned red. “No…”  
“Okay, let’s get your diaper changed.” Matthew laughed, lifting her up to his shoulder and Mary made her way behind him into the nursery across the hall. She watched as Matthew held Olivia against him, talking to her quietly as he tried to sooth her before placing her down on the changing table. “Now Olivia, your rooting as if you want to eat again.”  
“I just tried to feed you.” Mary was exhausted, but as her baby cried and looked up at her, she was reminded how much she already cherished these moments with her. How she had grown just as they had hoped over the last month, but she still wanted time to slow down. She wanted to slow down the window of time before family and friends would swarm in and she would have to share this little wonder with the more people.   
“Mary, she knows you” Matthew smiled, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to Mary’s lips. “She knows who her mother is.”  
“I hope so.” Mary breathed, truly hoping that it was true. Mary felt so in love when she looked at Olivia, however she wondered if Olivia truly knew her. She often looked into her eyes, with Olivia looking right back, but she wondered if Olivia truly knew her.   
“She does.” Matthew assured her, unsticking the diaper and Mary reached for one of the premature diapers Anna had set up on the changing table when she came over to help Mary prepare the night before. “Was she dirty?”  
“Just a bit wet.” Matthew replied, reaching or a wipe, before lifting Olivia up and walking over to the closet.   
“What are you looking for?” Mary frowned, knowing he knew the most about the nursery as a whole, but she took pride in the organization that took place as they rushed to get the room ready.   
“I want to change her sleeper, get her into something fresh to fall asleep in.” Matthew began looking through the closet and Mary couldn’t help but laugh. He was looking on the wrong side of the closet, at all of the dresses and outfits that were too big for their little wonder. “Shouldn’t you put her diaper on first? At least to…”  
“Oh, Olivia!” Matthew gasped, turning around to reveal a small wet spot on his side of his shirt. As he faced her, the small baby screamed louder and stronger. Mary rushed to his side, grabbing for her baby as she couldn’t help but laugh. “Olivia, He’s new at this too.”  
“I am.” Matthew shook his head, pulling his shirt over his head. “Sorry. Olivia.”  
“She forgives you.” Mary walked the baby quickly over to the changing table and rushing to put the diaper on the small baby. Thankfully she was so focused on her screaming, that she wasn’t squirming too much as she was too small to really have the energy to do both. Mary quickly latched the diaper, before grabbing a blanket and walking with the little one to the rocking chair. The sleeper could be put on later, she would keep her warm for now.   
“How did I get pissed on, before you?” Matthew frowned, tossing his shirt onto the floor.   
“Because you picked her up without a diaper.” Mary rolled her eyes, as she helped Olivia and urged her to latch. Mary smiled as Olivia began to feed and she lightly began to rock the chair. “Even I wouldn’t have done that and I thought I would lack any instinct in this arena at all.”  
“I fear it isn’t the last time I have to toss a shirt to be cleaned.” Matthew sighed, moving to sit in front of her on the floor, as she rocked. Mary smiled, loving having him right here with her. “I’ll shower when we make our way back to our room.”  
“Olivia, you pissed on him. We don’t piss on people.” Mary couldn’t help but giggle even through her tired feeling. Olivia continued to suckle, her tiny hand resting tiredly and comfortably on her breast. Mary adjusted the blanket to cover most of her little body, before looking up at Matthew. “Sometimes I wonder, if she’ll ever know everything that led to her getting here. To you getting here. I’m not even sure I want her to know all of it.”  
“We can pick and choose, leave out the ugly details.” Matthew replied, reaching for her foot and Mary took a deep breath, his fingers wrapping around her heel. Mary couldn’t help but let out a tired moan of relief as he began to rub her feet.   
“I know there are things that she’ll deserve to know.” Mary sighed, stroking her head. “But what is the line? What is too much for her to know? When do we tell her? I mean…I don’t want her to know him, Matthew. I don’t want her to know about him.”  
“I know.” Matthew sighed as Mary very suddenly began to feel a thickness in her throat and she felt her eyes burn. Matthew continued to rub her feet, looking distantly away as she could tell he was thinking. “But it wouldn’t be right to lie to her either. We’ll have to spend a lot of time thinking and talking. She deserves to know the truth when she’s old enough.”  
“But what if she goes to him?” Mary wiped at her eyes, looking down at the little one attached to her.   
“I don’t think she will.” Matthew sighed, although she knew he was worried too. “But we have time. I don’t think she needs to know for several years and if we need to, we can consult with our family and friends to arrive at the right choice, but she has to know. She needs to know one day. Hiding it might lead her to wanting to find him, but if we’re honest then maybe she will make her own choice.”  
“I just don’t want her to ever hate me.” Mary sighed, as Matthew sat forward on his knees and wiped her tears away. “But more than that, I don’t want her to go to him and ever feel like she wasn’t wanted. She’s too perfect to feel like she wasn’t worthy.”  
“We’ll fill her with the love she needs.” Matthew whispered.   
“I know.” Mary said in honesty, rocking the chair slowly as the little one fed off of her breast. Mary wasn’t fond of the emotions that had come with pregnancy and grown stronger since having Olivia. One moment she was laughing that her little one had gone to the bathroom on Matthew, the next her heart was filled with angst over the idea that she would one day have to make her daughter aware of the man who had played a role in creating her. It seemed quite unfair. That even without being in her life, he would have some sort of hold over her, knowing that one day she would have to tell Olivia about him. She deserved the world and the truth was going to have to be told. Matthew was right. She couldn’t lie about that If Olivia found out without them telling her, the worst could happen. Except now she was rocking the tiny baby, crying and wondering how long she had with this little bubble she was in. Matthew was here, stroking her hair and kissing her head as Olivia started to get antsy and would likely be done eating again. The night had led to a lot of emotions, emotions she had been rotating through for a while. She was exhausted, happy, awake and anxious all at the same time, but nothing would be able to take place of the love she felt for her little girl. That love came with so much reward and so much fear about how the past may catch up with her. Would this little magic wonder hate her for giving her a life away from the man that had hurt her. Would she reminder her of the mistakes she had made or would she be content with the father that raised her. Matthew loved her more than anything. Mary knew that now. There was no longer a doubt about that in her mind. Matthew was Olivia Katherine’s father. Richard Carlisle in no way was. He was simply a contributor in an act to spare her the pain of fighting back. She had told her husband no that night. The night Olivia was created, Mary had told him no. That was a detail nobody but Mary and her therapist knew. That was one part, Olivia would never know. She would make sure of it by never telling anyone that she had been forced that night. Most nights she would give in to save her marriage or to avoid the pain, but this night she had tried to fight back and lost. Her life had been hell, but this little girl had led her back to Matthew. Mary hadn’t known she was pregnant at the time and had nearly cancelled her trip back home for fear that Richard would punish her in a terrible way for going or even hold it over her head, because he didn’t trust her. In a way he had, but it had brought her to Matthew and now her little girl had a beautiful bedroom and two parents who loved her more than they probably loved themselves. She had grandparents, family and friends of her family who loved her truly. One day they would make a choice, but tonight Mary was going to stop crying, because of anything to do with Richard. Though, she would likely continue to cry about just how perfect her little one was.


	60. Chapter 60

Sometimes Matthew was surprised at how naturally motherhood came to Mary. He had known her for years and as much as he loved her, he knew she was a bit reserved and her coldness was a defense that she put up to seem like things didn’t bother her. He knew the true her and he knew she would have been an amazing mother, but he hadn’t expected it to look like something she was meant to do forever. She had almost mastered every cry Olivia sent out into the world and jumped to her attention the moment she made a sound. It just made him discover new reasons to love her more and more than the day before. Still, bring a new parent was exhausting and neither of them was sleeping much. Olivia was no one week old and while some people had been in and out of their home, this was their first big venture out with Olivia. Other than the couple visits to check her weight, they had stayed inside with her. They still refused to take her out in public, but Cora had insisted she would make sure that the house was clean before they came over. It was time for Olivia’s official introduction to the people in their lives.   
Right now, they were at the big house, introducing Olivia officially to the house staff and family. Violet, Mary’s Granny, had already come and introduced herself, given Olivia a few gifts and handed Mary a diamond necklace from the family collection as a gift for having her first baby. At times he forgot how formal Mary’s family was. The majority of the family, Anna, Mr. Bates, Carson and Mrs. Hughes had all met the baby over the past few weeks and seen her several times but the remaining members of the house staff had waited eagerly to see her. Daisy had jumped and clapped the moment Olivia had walked in and then admitted how nervous she was to hold a baby as small as Olivia. Regardless, she was a hit with everyone and he felt so happy that Olivia was going to be surrounded by this much love. And Mary was so proud. He wasn’t sure where Mary looked more excited, for Olivia to fall asleep in Mr. Carson’s arms or the moment her granny kissed the little one’s forehead and told her life would be terribly fun with this family.   
As Mary sat on the arm of the chair as Edith held Olivia and Anna spoke to the both of them, he couldn’t help but notice the changes in her body. Her stomach had almost completely disappeared, her face had thinned out from the very slight noticeable gain during pregnancy and her breasts were the only thing that had managed to get bigger. She had put on a floral maxi dress and kimono this morning, complaining that she looked fat but she wasn’t. However, the comment she had made that her breasts were too big for any top she owned appeared to be true in this moment and he was noticing. It was like her body was the same, but different and Matthew couldn’t help but love it. She was stunning in his mind and expansion in her chest, definitely got his attention. Although, he was pretty sure it got most everyone’s attention. Mary was a small woman and this change was dramatic and he needed to stop watching her.   
“Be less obvious.” Matthew’s thought was interrupted by a voice and he looked up to see Tom Branson standing over him, before handing him a beer and sitting down in the seat next to him. “You’re practically salivating.”  
“I…no I’m not.” Matthew frowned, straightening up in his chair before holding up the beer to cheers. “I’m just watching t make sure Olivia is okay.”  
“You weren’t looking at Olivia.” Tom chuckled, putting the glass bottle to his lips. “You were looking at her food source, but not Olivia. Unless one is named Olivia and the other is…”  
“Okay.” Matthew cut him off, before sitting forward. “I was looking at her…chest, but I’m not a pig.”  
“She’s your fiancé. You’re allowed to look.” Tom confirmed. “But that guy that delivers the produce who was downstairs when you guys went down? He was looking too.”  
“What?” Matthew felt his eyes went wide as he sat forward. “I thought he was looking at Olivia.”  
“He most definitely wasn’t.” Tom shook his head and Matthew felt a little pissed off. “He was checking her out and very obviously so.”  
“That bastard.” Matthew groaned, feeling surprisingly pissed off. “What was his name?”  
“Ryan.” Tom replied.   
“Ryan.” Matthew shook his head, before drinking his beer. “Stupid Ryan.”  
“Stupid Ryan.” Tom laughed. Matthew watched as Mary leaned over, running her head over Olivia’s head and Edith let out a giggle. He was surprised how well Edith and Mary had gotten along lately, but perhaps it had something to do with Olivia. “I take it you guys aren’t sleeping.?”  
“What was the indicator?” Matthew laughed, sitting his beer on the table between them and running his hand through his hair.   
“Mary’s barely put together and the first thing you guys did when Robert took the baby was lay down on the couch and fall asleep. I thought Violet was going to go into shock, because nobody has just laid down and dozed off on the couches in the drawing room.” Tom replied as Matthew watched Mary take Olivia into her arms and Edith helped her put the blanket over Olivia. “I think you’re forgiven and are the holders of a free pass.”  
“I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter what we do now that Olivia is here.” Matthew laughed, as Mary held Olivia upright on her chest, patting her back lightly as she spoke with Anna and Edith, occasionally laughing tiredly at something they would say. She was beautiful, even if her hair was falling from the style, she had attempted to do this morning.   
“You’re probably right.” Tom laughed, as Mary stood and walked over to them, leaving Anna and Edith alone to talk. “Mary, motherhood looks good on you.”  
“Thank you.” Mary smiled warmly, before looking over at Matthew. “Mama was terribly upset that she and Papa had to go to lunch at Lady Dweller’s home, but she will be back soon. Edith and Anna said that if we wanted to have them rock with Olivia for a bit, we could go sleep on my old bed upstairs. Mrs. Hughes had the sheets changed in case we needed to ever go upstairs to rest or take Olivia with us.”  
“You’re willing to leave Olivia down here?” Matthew looked at her strangely, surprised that Mary was willing to be alone without Olivia.   
“Edith and Anna promised to come gets us if she needs us, she ate a bit ago and she’s sleeping. She should be good for an hour or two. Plus, Edith said she can stand to be held by aunts that love her without her mother hounding them.” Mary breathed, almost reluctantly. “Tom, would you mind if I stole him for a bit so we can sleep?”  
“Go for it.” Tom nodded as Matthew stood.   
“Tom. I’ll be down shortly.” Matthew yawned, feeling ready for his head to hit the bed and if they had a moment to sleep, he was willing to take it if she was. “But I refuse to turn down sleep.”  
“I’ll likely be down before he is.” Mary rolled her eyes, taking his hand. “  
“Get some sleep.” Tom chuckled.   
“Anna…Edith. Please come the moment she cries or needs a thing.” Mary insisted as Matthew tried to tug at her hand. He didn’t want to leave Olivia, but they would just be upstairs and he wasn’t sure if he was going to try and sleep first, or remind her how beautiful she was.   
“We’re capable of watching her for a few hours, but if she needs to eat, we’ll knock.” Anna assured them as Mary nodded before leading him out into the entryway of the home and towards the stairs.   
“This makes us terrible parents; you know this right?” Mary sighed, running towards the steps.   
“Mary, don’t run, you’re still healing and I don’t think it makes us terrible parents.” Matthew laughed, rushing up the old steps with her. “She’s technically over a month old and she’s consumed almost every moment of our lives.”  
“I’m so tired.” Mary panted as they reached her bedroom door and pushed into the room.   
“Me too.” Matthew replied, closing the bedroom door, before looking back at her as she sat on the bed, her clearly out of breath. Her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath and he walked over to the bed. “God…Mary.”  
“What?” She giggled tiredly, leaning back on her arms and he walked slowly over to her, wanting to savor every moment alone even if he knew it would be a while before they even had a chance to sleep again. “You’ve never slept in this bed before!”  
“I haven’t.” Matthew laughed, pushing her back onto the bed and reaching for her flats. He pulled each one off, before kicking off his own shoes and tossing them into a pile. “I have to say; I’ve never been so tired in my life.”   
“Me either.” She breathed as he climbed on top of her, her arms moving around his neck.   
“But I also want to take a moment to pay tribute to the newest additions of the family.” Matthew replied, before placing his head on her breasts.   
“You’re such a man sometimes.” She laughed weakly, before lifting his head with both of her hands and pressing her lips into his. “You should know…you’re quite amazing and I haven’t really had a moment to tell you.”  
“You are too, but please let me be a red-blooded man for a moment.” Matthew replied, pressing his head back into her chest, his hand pulling down the straps of her dress.   
“Matthew…we can’t…” She whispered, “I’m not on the pill.”  
“I’m behaving.” Matthew whispered, breathing her in as she smelled like her perfume and maybe a bit of Olivia. “God you’re beautiful.”  
“And I haven’t been cleared…” She yawned, swatting his hand away as it slid up her side. “And I don’t think I could stay awake.”  
“Sad truth? Me either?” He frowned, pressing his lips against hers and she smiled against him. “You’re amazing.”  
“Not at all.” She whispered.   
“You really are. I could watch you with Squeaks all day.” Matthew replied, brushing her hair out of her face, before lowering his hand to her breast, pushing down the floral fabric just a bit.   
“You’re not going to be able to call her squeaks forever.” Mary giggled and moved her hands to his hair. “It will give her some sort of complex about her voice.”  
“For now, she’s my Squeaky.” Matthew laughed, kissing Mary again before resting his head on her chest. “And these are my new pillows.”  
“You’re quite ridiculous.” Mary yawned, her fingers stroking his head. He lifted his head for a moment, pressing a soft kiss against her neck before placing his head back down to rest on her body.  
“Yes, but I am the ridiculous one you agreed to marry.” Matthew laughed, lifting his head to look up at her. “However, you could still change your mind.”  
“Too tired to reconsider.” She giggled, her eyes closing as she kept her fingers in his hair, her other hand moving to rest on her stomach. “Set the alarm on your phone for twenty minutes.”  
“Why twenty?” He frowned, reaching for his phone beside her.   
“Because I am quite pathetic and miss my baby already.” Mary breathed, the strokes through his hair becoming slower. “Twenty minutes and I am sure she’ll begin to fuss or need to eat.”  
“Okay.” He kissed below her chin again, before setting the alarm clock for an hour. He wanted them to be able to sleep a bit longer and he thought they deserved more than twenty-minutes. Neither one of them had slept much at all, but she had slept less than him. He often felt terrible for falling asleep when she was feeding Olivia, even though he obviously wasn’t much help with it. Right now, Anna and Edith had Olivia and he was confident that she was getting a lot of love and attention, although he missed her too. But they would knock when Olivia needed fed or if they really needed to, Anna could go get the pumped bottle of milk that Mary sent down to the kitchen in the event that Olivia would need extra meal. Matthew wasn’t sure why Mary felt she would need to bring an emergency bottle since she had enough milk herself and she was going to be with Olivia, but he was glad that maybe she would sleep and their friends and family would reach for the bottle if they needed it in exchange for letting them sleep. Sleep would be amazing and they needed far more than twenty minutes of sleeping and each other’s sole company.


	61. Chapter 61

If a year ago, someone had told Mary that she was going to be sitting on her back porch, rocking a small baby in her arms, living back in her hometown and residing with Matthew Crawley, she would have laughed at them and gone back to her pathetic life as the miserable spouse of Richard Carlisle. This had been the life she wished she hadn’t walked away from and now she had her chance. There had been some adjustments made to it. Obviously, Olivia was both the wrench in the plan and the greatest part of her life. It had been the life with no way out with no good outcome for her. She knew that. Looking back, she was slowly waiting for death. A death that would likely come when she was far too young. Now, her life was completely different and so much had changed in a year. She had experienced the worst physical pain and the greatest feeling in the world all within a year. She had fallen in love and then fallen in deeper love with a tiny part of herself. Olivia. There was no part of this life with Olivia that she would trade. Sure, it would be better to have her been born closer to her due date and not spend weeks in the hospital, but they had gotten through it and Olivia was amazing. Tiny and slow to gain weight, but the doctor’s insisted she was doing great. Her heart was filled with love for her little girl and seeing Matthew with her. The lack of DNA between the two of them didn’t matter. It was almost irrelevant. She was pretty certain that Olivia was the center of Matthew’s world and he knew her just as well as she did. This morning she had finally gotten a chance to take a shower and when she walked out, they were both asleep in the corner of the room on a small arm chair. Of course, the phone was now the background on her phone, which then reminded her to place an order for prints of Olivia’s pictures. There had been so many pictures that they had taken since she was born and she finally was going to have copies of the memories of her first month. She was officially that mom. The one who had ordered photos, including mugs for family with Olivia’s picture on it. She had even then been motivated to hire a photographer to come shoot pictures of her, Matthew and Olivia to hang up in the house. One of the perks to having a premature baby was that she didn’t have to rush to have the photographer come for newborn pictures, because Olivia truly was still little. She still was wearing preemie clothing and everyone gushed over how tiny she was. For the first time today, Mary had told Matthew that their days of Olivia wearing preemie sized clothing were numbered. Previously it had been swimming on her and now it was fitting perfectly, which meant they didn’t have a lot of time before she would make her way into newborn clothing. It seemed like a huge milestone that Mary was both excited for and scared about. Excited to try new clothes on her and see her grow and scared to know what it felt like to have her child grow up too fast.   
“I thought I might find you two out here.” Mary looked up to find her mother stepping onto their back porch, their whole back yard still a work in progress. She came out with a tray in hand of iced tea and two glasses. “I’ve actually been here a while but Matthew and I were talking and I made some tea for us.”  
“What is he doing? He disappeared on me.” Mary giggled, adjusting her sunglasses.   
“He said he came in for a screwdriver to fix the light fixture out here and figured that you had Olivia under control so he was going to take care of a few household fixes. Now he’s fixing the leaking faucet in the kitchen.” Cora laughed, leaning over in front of Mary to place a soft kiss against Olivia’s head and then Mary’s cheek. “I didn’t know Matthew was so handy.”  
“I didn’t until recently.” Mary breathed, smiling as Olivia let out a tiny little smile on her own lips, although it was likely she was just dreaming or something. “He believes in doing a lot of things himself.”  
“I admire that.” Cora replied, sitting down on the wicker couch placed to the left of Mary.”  
“Thankfully he’s okay with someone coming to clean the house once a week, but we do the rest ourselves.” Mary moved the light blanket over Olivia. It was quite nice outside, but a bit breezy for Olivia to be left uncovered. “Not quite the lifestyle I am used to. I foresee a lot of dinners with you and Papa.”  
“We’d always be happy to have you.” Cora smiled. “And we’re all happy to take Olivia off your hands for a bit.”  
“I’m sure you are.” Mary rolled her eyes as she adjusted in her seat, shifting Olivia a bit. “Although I think Matthew frowns on having too much help, at least from professionals.”  
“How do you mean?” Cora frowned, looking back at the door way to make sure that nobody was coming.   
“He doesn’t agree with Papa on having a nanny.” Mary responded, still unsure of how she felt about it. “He believes we don’t need one.”  
“And you don’t?” Cora asked.   
“I don’t know.” Mary sighed, as Olivia stretched in her arms. “Sometimes I think I’ll be just fine, but then other times I am exhausted and feel in over my head. Matthew goes back to work in a few days and now I don’t know what he expects other than to come home to a clean home, dinner done and a happy baby.”  
“I think he expects a well-loved baby and a happy home.” Cora replied as Olivia began to fuss. “Is she hungry?”  
“No.” Mary whispered, lifting Olivia and kissing her cheek as Cora stood and held her hands out. She handed the baby to her mother, who then took the blanket and sat back down with the baby. “She’s not due to eat for another hour and she’s not needing a diaper change.”  
“She just needs her grandmother.” Cora said proudly, adjusting Olivia and patting her back. “Mary…you’re perfectly capable of meeting Matthew’s expectations, He just wants to know Olivia and your other children are well cared for and his home isn’t burning down.”  
“How can you be so sure? I had a nanny growing up.” Mary sighed, wanting to honestly know her mother’s view of this since she raised her kids with the help of a nanny.   
“I was thrown into a lifestyle immersed in tradition.” Cora shrugged, stroking her granddaughter’s face as Mary watched. “If I had to do it again, I would do it without the nanny. I was sort of pressured into it, because it was expected and I missed some things because of it when I was perfectly capable of caring for you girls. Sure, the help was needed when your father and I were travelling or holding events but every parent needs help every now and then.”  
“Which I told Matthew but…”  
“But I am here. So is a whole family and staff that are more like friends.” Cora sighed, before looking down at her granddaughter. “I didn’t have family here. You do.”  
“And you want to be an average grandmother, taking Olivia so that I can have a night with my husband or play with her for a few hours?” Mary rolled her eyes, reaching for a cup to pour the tea into. “Show up at her tennis practice or something.”  
“Yes.” Cora said softly, pressing a soft kiss to Olivia’s head. “Isobel and I are counting down the days. Your father is a traditional man and loyal to the estate, but even he wants to be completely active in her life. He can’t wait to walk her down to the stalls to greet the horses or take her on a hunt.”  
“Horses yes...I don’t know about her being apart of a hunt for a long time.” Mary giggled tiredly, still wishing for the moments of sleep she was missing.   
“Mary…”  
“Yes, Mama?” Mary looked up, taking a deep breath as her mother’s face became incredibly soft.   
“You can do this.” Cora said quietly, with a smile on her face. “You don’t need a nanny. You’re going to make mistakes; you won’t always know what to do and some days you’re going to feel like a failure.”  
“Goodness.” Mary breathed. “You make it seem so appealing.”  
“I just don’t want you to resent Matthew for not wanting a nanny when I think you may actually like living your life without one.” Cora explained. “You and Matthew are the best ones for Olivia, Matthew has a great job that is growing every day and you’re like magic with her Mary. You don’t need to hire someone when she has amazing parents and all of us. If you wanted, we could set in stone at least one day a week where Isobel or I watch her for a little while to give you time to decompress, relax or get things you want to do done. nOf course, we’ll invade your lives more, but we can set something up so that you know you have that guaranteed time. That way you don’t always feel like you’re on your own.”  
“I would miss her…” Mary admitted, looking at the little feet sticking out from the blanket. “How silly is that?”  
“Not silly at all.” Cora grinned. “I remember the first time I left all three of you girls. Edith and Sybil cried, but you didn’t want to tell me bye. You wanted your nanny. I understand the aching of missing your children Mary.”  
“I’m sorry.” Mary whispered, remembering the day that her mother drove away and she had refused to say goodbye and wanted Nanny. She wouldn’t be able to bear her child preferring someone else to raise her. “Do you ever wonder what Sybil would be like now? If the accident hadn’t happened?”  
“Every day.” Cora replied, a little it of color draining from her face. “I wonder what she would have done during everything you experienced. I think she would have been your rock.”  
“And perhaps killed Carlisle.” Mary giggled weakly, remembering her loving sister. “I do miss her. I don’t say it enough. I like to think she’s looking down at Olivia, proud of what she’s overcome.”  
“She is.” Cora nodded. “And she’s proud of you Mary.”  
“She’s proud of you too.” Mary whispered, her throat feeling thick as she didn’t talk about her sister who had been killed in an accident years ago. Tom’s love.   
“I know.” Cora looked down at the baby, pressing kissing her nose. “Which is why you don’t need help. I would give anything to have been apart of your lives more than I was, because I didn’t think I could be a woman of the estate and a mother, because I had been told I couldn’t. I firmly believe a woman can do both and if you want to have a role in our town or our estate, you can. You won’t be alone in doing it, but you can raise your children too.”  
“You do know, I only have one at the moment.” Mary smiled, winking at her mother. “Or have you been talking to Matthew?”  
“I won’t lie that now that Olivia is here, I can’t wait for team of grandchildren I am due to have.” Cora replied, lifting Olivia up as the little one opened her eyes, looking around and bringing her hand to her face. “Don’t you want a bunch of brothers and sisters?”  
“You and Matthew seem to have your own ideas about how many I am supposedly to have.” Mary rolled her eyes.   
“One at a time.” Cora laughed, kissing Olivia’s cheek. “Oh you’re so perfect. We need a year at least with you and then we can start adding. Isn’t that right?”  
“You and Matthew are no longer allowed to converse.” Mary laughed, knowing they had likely joked about that when they were inside. “Plotting without me.”  
“Won’t do it again, doll.” Cora laughed, wrapping Olivia up. “She’s wet, why don’t you stay out here and get some fresh air and I will tend to her.”  
“Are you sure?”   
“Of course, I am.” Cora stood, walking towards the house before Mary could raise the slightest objection.   
“Of course.” Mary breathed, watching as her baby and her mother went inside. She missed Olivia already and had a lot to think about before trying to ask Matthew to change his opinion on the nanny request. Her mother had a great point about the downside of having a nanny and she couldn’t fathom the idea that her daughter would not have her mother there or would worse, prefer someone other than her parents. She was already going to have to share a big secret with her one day, when she already felt like she was living with a lie. She wasn’t. Olivia wasn’t old enough to understand, but there was no way she was willing to do something as big as hire a nanny and give her child a reason to resent her later on. Still, she was scared that she wasn’t going to be good at this. And what if she wanted to be more than a mother at home? How could she find that balance? Was it better to have the help of a family member instead of a professional? Mary didn’t know, but she was going to think about this and she was going to weigh her options. Olivia and any other children she chose to carry, deserved only the very best. They deserved on hundred percent from her and she was going to have to find a way to give that. She was going to have to learn more than cooking eggs and toast. It was an uphill battle, but something told her Olivia Katherine was going to be worth every step.


	62. Chapter 62

Mary was a million miles away and Matthew couldn’t read her. She was lying on the bed next to him with Olivia between them and she was just browsing her phone and occasionally stopping to snuggle up with Olivia. He was going back to work in a few days and he was sure she was nervous. Although he could never imagine what she would be nervous about, because she was perfect with Olivia. If it was the cooking, she was nervous about, he had ordered them some meal kits that came with the ingredients, but gave them the exact steps to cook with just the right portions. Then once they were finished, it also came with the recipe so that they could make it in the future. He had seen a few ads and a few of the men at work talked about their wives ordering them. He figured it would help Mary learn to cook, but might also be something fun to do together. He loved to cook and she wasn’t quite experienced with it. He loved this idea and even she had perked up when she told him about it. Still, she was lying now with her nose pressed to Olivia’s ear, closing her eyes as if she was trying to shift to sleep. He didn’t want her to worry and Cora insisted that Mary was just nervous, but that she would be alright. She assured him that the family and even the staff of the house would be there for her. If Mary needed a thing, they were down the street and she would be encouraged to stop in and visit. He hoped she would, although he felt like Mary would stay in the house in the beginning and it was probably a good thing as she adjusted to being home alone with Olivia. He was sensing that she was experiencing the baby blues after talking with Cora and his mother. They assured him that this was very normal and that he just needed to support her and perhaps help her as much as possible when he was home. It seemed odd to him that he had to be told to help, but when he thought about his own father, he figured they were more old fashioned. Olivia was asleep as Mary propped her head on her hand, her elbow positioned into the mattress. “You’re a million miles away?”  
“What?” She frowned, looking up at him and shaking her head. “Sorry. Did you say something and I zoned?”  
“No.” He smiled weakly, leaning over and kissing her cheek. “She’s been sleeping a while.”  
“Somehow we must get her to sleep at night and not all day.” Mary looked up at him, her eyes showing her exhaustion. “Or else she and I both will be sleeping all day when you’re at work.”  
“Would that be such a bad thing? To have naps with your baby.” Matthew chuckled, lying down in bed next to them. “Although I would be quite jealous. There is nothing better than spending my days in bed with you two.”  
“Do you really have to go back to work soon?” Mary sighed and he could tell she didn’t want him to be gone during the day. “You can’t work from home?”  
“We’re about to enter into a deal with a huge client, as the owner of the firm I need to see it through.” Matthew said, silently wondering if he could make it work from home full time. He could work from home sometimes, that was doable, but he needed to get back into a routine and focus on the business too. He wanted to give them the best life possible and while the firm had become tremendously successful in the last few years, this would bring big things to them. “It will be worth it. I promise.”  
“I just don’t want you to work yourself into total exhaustion, because you’re worried, I want more.” She replied, squeezing his hand before letting go. “You know it isn’t about that right? I don’t want you to work, so I can have more?”  
“Darling, I can afford to give you the things you want in your closet or in Olivia’s.” Matthew leaned over, kissing her cheek before pulling back. “I’m thinking about our future. For things we may want later on or things we may want to do for our children.”  
“A nice thought.” Mary whispered. “Trips to a Disney park or a swing set for the backyard.”  
“All of those things.” Matthew breathed, moving his hand to Olivia’s abdomen. “I hate to scare you, but I want a dozen just like her.”  
“A dozen is a bit much.” Mary laughed tiredly, pressing a kiss to Olivia’s cheek. “Maybe a couple more, although I’m not sure that I could ever love anyone as much as I love her. Makes me not want to try.”  
“It’s ultimately up to you.” Matthew replied, hoping Mary would one day be open to a bigger family. She had just given birth so it seemed unnecessary to decide now. “Your decision.”  
“It is.” Mary nodded as Olivia began to wake up. “But it should be a choice that we’re both comfortable with. Besides, I think given different circumstances, I would have liked being pregnant more.”  
“I do too.” Matthew smiled lightly, wondering what it would have been like without Carlisle or without the attacks. Still when he looked at Mary, she looked like she was in another world even if she was right here with him. “Mary?”  
“Yes?” She looked up at him, her eyes weighed down not just from the exhaustion that was following them.   
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Matthew felt himself insist, looking down at the baby in front of them. “You can’t just be nervous about me going back to work.”   
“I’m fine.”  
“I don’t believe you.” He whispered back to her as she messed with the buttons on Olivia’s sleeper.   
“You don’t?” She asked, letting out a deep sigh.   
“Just tell me.” Matthew pleaded, pushing his finger on her lips to form a light smile on the corner. “Come on…”  
“I don’t know what I am feeling.” She replied, her eyebrows narrowing. “Only that I feel I should be happier, but then I am reminded I have done nothing with my life that anyone will speak of in addition to Olivia. She’s the only thing I have done right and I didn’t even do that on purpose and I’m not even sure I did that right. She’s just…right.”  
“Mary, you’re intelligent and funny…you’re incredibly clever.” Matthew pointed out, truly wondering if the old Mary had ever truly existed and if the confident woman, he knew in the past was truly ever confident. “You’re an amazing mother.”  
“I’m grateful for that.” She smiled weakly. “If nothing else changed in my life, Olivia would be worth it.”  
“But you want something to change?”  
“I fear you want a mother that never leaves the house and stays home to raise the children.” Mary confessed, taking Olivia’s small hand. “And to be honest, I do think I want to be the one to raise my children with the help of you and our family, but I want a life. I want to do something that matters and I want to do it while raising my children. Perhaps with my children coming along.”  
“What do you want to do?” Matthew asked, frowning at her concern he may not support her. He would give her the world if she wanted it. “Mary, we can make anything work. If you want a career or a job, we can make it happen. In fact, I think that is amazing.”  
“You do?” She looked up; her eyes wide.   
“Of course.” He laughed, sitting up in the bed and he felt a bit of relief that this might make her happy. “Mary, you should have your own project that is important to you.”  
“But I don’t want anyone else to raise our children but us and those that love her.” Mary sat up too, reaching for Olivia as she began to stir again. “I want to be able to carry Olivia and take care of her. I want to do something that my child can be proud of me for.”  
“Mary, that’s wonderful.” Matthew couldn’t stop grinning, taking a breath of relief. “What do you want to do?”  
“I have no idea.” She said right back, raising her top to attach Olivia to her breast.   
“What did you want to be when you were a little girl?” Matthew asked, knowing kids usually had a career in mind or at least a few.   
“When I was really little, I wanted to be a ballerina, then a model and at one point I think I wanted to be a flamingo.” Mary answered.   
“Like a dancer or…”  
“An actual flamingo in the zoo.” Mary giggled, adjusting Olivia. “I was three.”  
“Cute.” He nodded, thrilled to see her face lighting up. “If you could do anything today, what would it be?”  
“I don’t know.” Mary looked up at the window, shaking her head. “I honestly don’t know.”  
“You don’t have to know today.” Matthew replied, taking her hand. “We’ll find something your passionate about. Whether a career or a cause and we can work towards it.”  
“I’ve never thought about doing anything else.” Mary confessed. “Not since I was a teenager. I became so focused on getting married or trying to represent my family, I never considered I might want a life other than being Lady Mary. Or the wife of a man.”  
“I hope this doesn’t change your mind to being my wife.” Matthew leaned over, pressing a kiss against her lips.   
“Never.” She breathed against his lips, before pulling away to look at her little one. “And I don’t want to miss a second of her life. I…I know I spoke about a nanny but I don’t want a full time one. Maybe a babysitter when we need a night out and our family isn’t available, but I…I don’t want to miss the important things.”  
“I don’t either.”   
“And whatever I decide, it won’t come first.” Mary said, almost promising him.   
“You should put yourself first, just as I will from time to time.” Matthew replied, wrapping his fingers around Olivia’s tiny ankles and smiling. “Whatever you decide, we will work together to make both of our dreams and our family work. What you want to do isn’t more important than what I want. It should be equal.”  
“That’s refreshing.” She admitted and he knew what she was thinking. Richard didn’t care an ounce about anything she had ever wanted. Not that he should compare. She needed to know that her thoughts were important, that her life was important and he was sure that she hadn’t considered even starting something new until this conversation. She deserved to have a chance at doing something she loved. “I have to admit; I don’t know what Olivia and I will come up with for me to do.”  
“I’m sure you two will come up with something.” Matthew said confidently. “Just nothing that takes you away from here, at least not for long. I couldn’t go through losing you again.”  
“Never.” She took his hand, pulling him ever so lightly towards her. “Thank you.”  
“For?”  
“Believing in me…through everything.” She whispered, before kissing him lightly and he always got a cheesy feeling which Tom would tease him for. “Even when you shouldn’t.”  
“I’ve never regretted it.”   
“You don’t regret anything?” She whispered.   
“My only regret is letting you walk out and putting you into that situation.” Matthew confessed, kissing her again before looking down at Olivia. “It came with a lot of hell and then this amazing little girl. I wish what you went through had never happened, but I wouldn’t change Olivia.”  
“Me either.” Mary confessed as he looked up at her to see that her dark eyes were watering. “I wish things…with Carlisle had never happened, but I can’t pretend that I would trade Olivia. I thought a part of me would always hold it in and have a bit of unfair resentment, but to be honest she’s the greatest. I love her so much and I can’t imagine what life was like before her. Isn’t that odd?”  
“No.” Matthew smiled, using his thumb to wipe the tears from under her eyes. “Funny isn’t it? How a piece of something was missing that you never knew was missing until that piece makes its way into your life?”  
“It’s quite odd.” Mary lifted Olivia, switching her to her other side and grinning as Olivia opened her eyes. “Hello Darling.”  
“So, do something for you…and for her.” Matthew replied as Mary zoned him out a bit and he began to laugh. He should have known. He had never thought about her needing a project of her own until she had looked so concerned in front of him and confessed, she wasn’t sure what she had never contributed. She had contributed so much to his life, but it made sense that she experiences more than being a mother, a wife and a daughter. Her life had always been so orchestrated by tradition that she had never considered actually doing something for herself and on her own. If he knew Mary and the mother she had become, she would do it with Olivia attached to her. He wasn’t sure what she would come up with and he would support her through it all, but whatever it was he hoped it was worthy of her. She couldn’t be a flamingo, but he hoped there was something that she would do that she loved and most importantly, that would make herself proud. The only person she had to prove something to, was herself. He was going to be proud of her no matter what and he was sure that Olivia had an amazing mother and role model to look up to. Still, he needed to support her with this and in her life as a whole. She had experienced a range of emotions and as they planned their lives out, she deserved someone to cheer her on along the way.


	63. Chapter 63

Matthew had been back at work for three days. Each day away from Olivia and Mary had been hell, but he had been so busy; he didn’t have much time to check in on them. He had only received one distress call from Mary and that was when Olivia had gone to the bathroom in the bathtub while not wearing a diaper. Mary had sounded panic and all he did was laugh. She hadn’t been too pleased with him, but was over it quickly as they both found anything Olivia did to ultimately be adorable. The best part of his day, was when Mary would send pictures of Olivia, because even if he couldn’t text back, he felt like he wasn’t completely missing out. Just a couple of hour ago, Mary had sent him a picture of Olivia screaming and captioned it with the words, “Do you want take out?” He of course laughed and replied that he would pick something up. It had likely been a rough day, because Olivia had kept them both up all night with feeds, diapers and just a lack of interest in sleeping. She screamed whenever they put her down and while Mary kept encouraging him to stay asleep and tried to take Olivia into the nursery with her, he refused. He wasn’t going to be that dad that just didn’t help overnight, just because he had to work. What Mary was doing was work too. It was just a different kind. Sometimes she would sneak out with Olivia before he had a chance to wake up, which only worked because he assumed Mary could sense when she was starting to stir.   
As he pulled into the house, he saw that the curtains hadn’t been opened for the day and he laughed to himself. Mary must have been exhausted, because that is the first thing she did when she made her way to the first floor. He highly doubted that she had closed them already for the night, as she waited to do that until they went to bed. Turning his car off, he reached for the bag of takeout and got out, walking to the front door of the home. He couldn’t wait to pick Olivia up the moment he got to her. He pushed the door open and the house was silent, until he walked into the family room and saw a sight that made him smile as big as ever. Mary was asleep on the plush couch, Olivia sound asleep on her chest. He had wondered how many tears of Olivia’s passed before they fell asleep or more importantly, how long had Mary cried before they both passed out. He walked towards them, sitting the brown bag on the table before reaching on the other side of Mary to move a few of the throw pillows and her eyes fluttered open. “Hey…go back to sleep.”   
“Today was rough.” Mary said, her eyes closing again, her hand moving back to Olivia’s back.   
“You two are tuckered out.” Matthew laughed, kissing her cheek, before stepping back to kick his shoes off. He watched her breath slowed and he undid the buttons around his wrist, pushing his sleeves up before undoing the first few buttons of his shirt and sliding between the couch cushions and Mary. She shifted still with her eyes closed, relaxing her body into his.   
“She cried nonstop today, had to be held all day and I’m pretty sure there is breastmilk in my hair.” Mary said as her eyes remain closed. “And I’m wearing your shirt.”  
“I’m sorry.” Matthew laughed, pressing a kiss to the back of her head. “You look good in my shirt though.”  
“At least there is that.” Mary yawned, her eyes opening and she looked up at him.   
“After we eat, you can go up and take a bath.” Matthew offered, stroking her hair. “I’ll light some candles for you and take care of Olivia.”  
“She’s a handful.”  
“So are you.” Matthew laughed, kissing her head again. “Still, I couldn’t wait to get home and curl up with you two.”  
“Don’t ever leave us again.” Mary giggled tiredly as Olivia began to stir. “She’s not due to be hungry for a while, but then again sometimes she surprises me and insists on being fed nonstop. Or at least attached.”  
“She’s already a bit spoiled.” Matthew shook his head as Olivia calmed, falling right back to sleep. “Or maybe she just needed me to be home.”  
“Hmm…we both have of course.” Mary looked up, kissing his lips lightly. “So, you’ve missed us?”  
“Like crazy.” Matthew admitted, his hand moving to take Olivia’s soft pink hairbow off of her head. “I don’t know how these things can be comfortable.”  
“She doesn’t mind them.” Mary shrugged, trying to grab it from his hand but missing it. “When she grows, I have some that are bigger, but we’re limited right now. She’s so tiny.”  
“She is tiny.” Matthew smiled, his finger running along the tiny baby’s arm. “She’s perfectly small and incredibly loud.”  
“Very loud.” Mary sighed, as Matthew looked up at the tv that was on, but with no sound.   
“You were watching the Food Network?” Matthew laughed, looking around for the remote.  
“I thought if I watched it long enough, I would become Gordon Ramsay.” Mary teased.   
“Hopefully not nearly as angry.” Matthew kissed her head, before reaching for his phone as it buzzed in his pocket. He looked to see a new email that had come in from the office. “Damn it…”  
“Work?” Mary frowned, as Matthew read quickly browsed the email and locked his phone again.   
“Yes, but thankfully nothing that needs to be handled tonight.” Matthew smiled, kissing her cheek. “Tonight, is for you and Olivia. As is every night.”  
“But we surely understand when you have to handle business.” Mary said thoughtfully, lightly running her fingers along Olivia’s tiny body. “We don’t mean to be too much of a distraction.”  
“Distract away.” Matthew breathed, kissing Mary’s head again as he already mentally discarded the email. He didn’t want to work when he was at home if he didn’t have to. He wanted his nights to be reserved for his family. Mary and Olivia were a huge part of that now and he wanted Olivia to always associate him with being her father who was home after work and there for her. He wanted to play with her and her toys when she got a bit bigger and help Mary. He wanted his family to be happy, full of love and well cared for. But his business was growing, he now had three and almost four law offices open. Then there was a wedding and whatever Mary decided she wanted out of life. It wasn’t going to be easy, but all that mattered was Olivia and Mary knew they came first. And whatever baby came after. Family had to come first. He wanted his family to be happy and to flourish under the benefits of his job. He had slowly started opening other offices between home and London which allowed him to hire other solicitor’s and consultants to help with everything from family to business law. He began to play a mental list in his head of the things he needed to do when he got into work in the morning, but was interrupted by a light cry and Mary shifting away from him.   
“Olivia.” Mary sighed, sitting up on the couch and shifting the baby onto her lap. “I need to feed her before I eat or she’ll never allow it.”  
“We’ll eat once she eats.” Matthew nodded, sliding his phone out again as it buzzed and Mary looked up. He didn’t want to read it, but it was a message from the inspector of the building he was leasing in London. It was his second building there, but they were having issues with the fire alarms. He pulled his phone out, typing a message back quickly to let them know that he would call him in the morning.   
“Who is that?” Mary asked, as Olivia latched onto her breast and she pushed her hair behind her ears.   
“Just a work issue.” Matthew replied, turning off his phone and sliding it onto the nearby coffee table. “I’m all yours.”  
“Of course.” She released a light smile from her lips before looking back down at Olivia. “Oh…would you be able to help me with something?”  
“Sure.” Matthew smiled, pressing a kiss to her shoulder, the fabric of his shirt feeling a bit rough below his lips. “Laundry?”  
“No, I actually managed to do laundry and put it away today thanks to being able to wear Olivia while she’s sleeping.” Mary giggled; her exhaustion evident. “I was hoping you could hang a painting over our bathtub. I ordered it and it just arrived this morning, I had almost forgotten about it.”  
“Please tell me it is nothing like that crazy painting you ordered for our kitchen that ended up reflecting a very female body part.” Matthew replied, remembering how the beautiful candle image actually reflected something else and they had laughed for hours. Perhaps the laughter was amplified by the lack of sleep, but it had been hilarious.   
“Nothing like that.” Mary giggled, her face blushing. “I can’t believe I didn’t realize the site I was ordering from was focused on adult entertainment. I blame middle of the night feedings. Still I don’t want that image to be seen in, our kitchen.”  
“Exactly, it’s meant for the bedroom to bring inspiration.” Matthew winked, pinching her side jokingly. “You know, since I haven’t seen anything of the sort for a very long time.”  
“Matthew.” Mary rolled her eyes, a small smile playing at her lips and Matthew knew she was trying not to laugh. “You’re the absolute worst.”  
“You love me.”  
“Unfortunately.” She giggled, pressing her lips into his, pulling away to look down at Olivia. “Besides, you’re wrong. You spent quite a few minutes last night paying very close attention to my chest.”  
“Well I just want to be sure its all working properly.” Matthew replied nonchalantly. He smiled as Olivia kicked her legs while she ate and Mary giggled again. “Has the doctor even cleared you?”  
“Yes, but when is there time to do anything about it?” Mary sighed, stroking Olivia’s hair. Matthew smiled, but then found himself feeling a bit bummed. The afternoon before, Matthew had left work briefly to take Mary and Olivia to Mary’s appointment.   
“There is time.” Matthew frowned. During the appointment, Olivia had become quite fussy and by the end of it, they were rushing back to the house so Mary could feed her and Matthew could go back to work. It now occurred to him that he hadn’t even asked Mary how the appointment had gone. “Did they say anything else?”  
“They discussed birth control options, emotions and all of that nonsense.” Mary shrugged. “Explaining that my random moments of crying or being sour are quite normal.”  
“I wouldn’t say you’ve been too sour, mostly just crying.” Matthew replied as she moved Olivia to the other side. “What did you guys decide about birth control?”  
“Well, they said it was okay to be on the pill while breastfeeding, but I just don’t know that I feel comfortable with it.” Mary admitted, before patting his arm. “Breastfeeding is a good method, because it decreases our chances, but it isn’t guaranteed.”  
“I can drive by the pharmacy.” Matthew winked. “Pick up a backup plan.”  
“Thank you.” She whispered, checking on Olivia to see that she was done eating. “We don’t want another one of you right now. You’re a lot of work.”  
“And we would like to get a taste of sleep again.” Matthew laughed, taking Olivia from Mary as she fixed her shirt. He lifted Olivia to his chest, patting her back and placing a soft kiss to her head. “Why do you feel bigger?”  
“You said that yesterday.” Mary giggled, leaning into him and gesturing to the bags on the table. “Now let’s get her settled so that we can eat.”  
“That is something I can help with.” Matthew laughed, standing up with Olivia. Whenever he was trying to care for Olivia post eating, she did better when he walked around with her. Mary said it was a big part of his charm and he was more than happy to spend time with Olivia. He would just walk back and forth, patting her back as she processed her meal. Coming home to Mary was amazing in itself. To see the woman, he loved after a long day of work, made everything worth it. Then there was Olivia. She just made everything special. Every time she woke up and looked at them, holding her tiny fingers around their face as she shifted her eyes around and narrowed her lips, making him feel so lucky to be living this life. He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Olivia was his. He was madly in love with his little family and that family would grow, but there were things that had to come first. Business was booming, Mary was amazing and he wanted to soak up every little bit of Olivia’s life as a baby. His family was the most important thing to him and he was determined to provide the very best life for them and give them everything they could ever want.


	64. Chapter 64

Warning: Well…. some of this isn’t suitable if you’re over 18…or at work. 

 

Mary was quite impressed with herself. Her first week at home alone with Olivia had been rough. It wasn’t terrible, just not easy. It had been two weeks now and they were getting into a routine for the two of them. Mary had woken up with Matthew so that she could see him off to work, but made sure to nurse and change Olivia while he was getting ready and put her in the sling to carry her around as she enjoyed breakfast with him. She kissed him goodbye and worked on a few things around the house, before going to her room, putting Olivia to sleep in the cradle and getting herself ready. It was the first time that Mary had really felt like the day had been both beneficial and low stress. She was excited that she was able to fully get herself ready before Olivia woke up again and was able to get a few tasks completed from the upstairs of their house. Once Olivia was back up, she put her back into the carrier and they went on with their day. Now, Olivia was back in her downstairs swing as Mary leaned over the counter in front of her phone, looking at the recipe for the chicken casserole she had just taken out of the oven. Surely something had to be wrong. There was no way her recipe could have turned out this perfect. Or at least looked perfect. She wouldn’t know how it tasted until Matthew got home. It looked too perfect to cut into at the moment, besides the recipe said she needed to let it cool. They had gotten into a routine of cooking dinner together, but Matthew had been so tired from work and had been late a few nights this week. This night included. She wanted to do something to minimize his stress. This way he could come home and spend his time with her and Olivia without having to spend as much time in the kitchen. She could do this, she really could. He had done so much for them, that she just wanted to be an equal partner during the day. She was still brainstorming what she wanted to do with her time, but right now she was quite prepared to be home with Olivia. She knew now that whatever she did, she wanted to be able to spend the same amount of time with Olivia whether she did whatever she wanted at home or in a different setting. The one thing that was certain after her brief time being a mother, was that she wanted to raise her child. Nobody else. Olivia needed to be raised by her parents, grandparents and the long list of family and friends that loved her. The same for the rest of her children. She would make it work. Anna had come by a little while ago, simply to visit Olivia and while she rocked the baby, Mary managed to dust a few rooms of the house. Anna had laughed about her being domestic now and while Mary knew she didn’t quite fall under that category, she felt like what she was doing mattered. Still, she desired more. More of what? She didn’t know. So now she was looking at a recipe for green beans that would match perfectly with her casserole. Who was she?  
“Mary!” Matthew’s voice filled the house and he walked into the kitchen quickly. “Hey.”   
“Hi.” Mary smiled, looking up from her phone.   
“I’m sorry. I know I am late again.” Matthew came in with his hands in front of him. He stopped and smiled when he saw her, in turn causing her to smile big before walking over to him. “God you’re beautiful.”  
“Are you trying to butter me up so I don’t get mad that you’re late?” She asked, wrapping her arms around his neck.   
“Is it working?” He grinned widely, his hands moving around her waist.   
“No, but being in your arms does.” Mary breathed, pressing a kiss into his lips.   
“I have to tell you….” Matthew pulled away, holding her hands and looking her up and down. “These dresses you’ve been wearing are…they’re affective.”  
“I ordered them in the hospital when I was sitting with Olivia.” Mary giggled, letting go to run one hand over the fabric. “I thought they would be much more comfortable around the house and with feeding Olivia.”  
“I love every bit of it.” Matthew whispered, his eyes darkening as he pulled her close again and kissed her hard, pressing her body into the marble counter, before lifting her up on top of the kitchen island.   
“Matthew.” Mary groaned as he pushed the skirt of her dress up. His long fingers moved around the waistband of her panties and he pulled them down, before moving his head down to her soft porcelain thighs. “You can’t…”  
“Oh, I certainly can.” Matthew whispered and she knew what he was doing as he pressed soft kisses along her thighs. With each kiss, she felt her center heat up and she knew she needed to stop him, but instead her hands moved to his thick hair.   
“I can’t…Olivia.” Mary breathed, his hands pushing the lace straps of her dress down, pushing the fabric below her breasts. She gasped as his mouth moved around her nipple, his fingers teasing along her middle. “Olivia’s sleeping.”  
“Then she won’t mind.” Matthew breathed, his teeth lightly grazing the dark skin on her breast.   
“But…”  
“Shh….” Matthew replied, as he slid a finger into her, his lips moving back down body. Mary felt her eyes fall closed, her body falling back against her elbows as she was certain that she wasn’t going to be able to stop him soon. “I can’t wait to feel you shake…”  
“Please…”  
“Please what?” He asked, his lips moving to her thighs again. Right as his tongue touched her skin, there was a light sound of whimpering coming from the corner of the room and Matthew tried to ignore it as Mary let out a groan. “I…shouldn’t have started this…”  
“Damn it.” Mary moved a hand over her face as Matthew pulled back. “I…no…I was trying to tell you.”  
“I’m sorry.” Matthew let out a chuckle as Mary felt her chest rise and fall quickly.   
“I knew she was going to cry.” Mary breathed, her cheeks hot from the feeling of his lips on her as she sat up, seeing her panties on the floor. “She’s been down for over an hour.”  
“I wasn’t thinking.” Matthew smiled sheepishly as he straightened up, before walking to the corner of the room where Olivia was stretching her arms. “Hello Squeaky.”  
“One day she won’t like that name.” Mary sighed, catching her reflection in the mirror on the wall as she hopped off the kitchen island, her breasts still exposed from him pulling the top of the dress down. “A tip for next time. Perhaps, check to make sure you can finish what you start. I know I as a female won’t have as much of a hard time recovering from a close call but I’m flustered now.”  
“You look flustered.” He smirked, walking back over to her with Olivia.   
“She’s probably hungry.” Mary sighed, looking down at her still exposed chest. “She’s an hour and a half over her normal feeding window. I imagine her cries will be much louder soon.”  
“Well, I’ll get more time with her later.” Matthew frowned, pressing a soft kiss to the baby before handing her to Mary. “Shall I start dinner?”  
“I made a casserole.”   
“You made a casserole?” Matthew looked around.   
“It’s keeping warm in the oven, but I didn’t get to the vegetables.” Mary replied as he looked into the oven, closing the door quickly to keep the heat from escaping.   
“It looks great.” Matthew exclaimed, turning around and she could tell that he was quite impressed with her. “All by yourself? Daisy…nobody else did it?”  
“I did it.” Mary rolled her eyes, before gesturing towards the refrigerator. “I saw you were late and I thought I would roast some vegetables…mostly green beans, but then you got home.”  
“It smells amazing.” Matthew leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “You’re amazing.”  
“Your house is clean too.” Mary smiled proudly, patting Olivia’s back. “Your baby has been given a bath and with the exception of any unexpected explosions, she should be clean for the night.”  
“My baby.” Matthew smiled proudly, his hand moving over Olivia’s back before kissing her head. He pulled away and Mary frowned. “I’ll make the green beans and I think we should make some sort of dessert tonight. You sit down and feed her.”  
“Yes sir.” Mary giggled, moving to sit on a barstool at the island counter. She shifted the baby onto her breast as she watched him pull a sheet pan and foil out of their cabinets. He looked natural as he walked to the refrigerator, grabbing for the bag of green beans. He knew what to do, mostly without staring over a recipe. At least he knew far more than she did. “How was work?”  
“Not too bad.” Matthew replied, before walking to their white farmhouse sink and rolling up his sleeves. “I had some meetings and then an email came in at the end of the day that I needed to get some background on. Before I knew it, I was running late again. I am trying, I promise.”  
“It’s okay.” Mary smiled, looking down at Olivia. She understood; she really did. She had been the wife of a man who was always busy. Work happened. Business happened. Business didn’t sleep. Money didn’t make itself. It didn’t grow on trees. There was a small part of her that was quietly telling her that she shouldn’t ask about work. It wasn’t a wife’s business. A smaller part of her who wanted to tell him she was worried this was becoming a bad habit. It wasn’t fair. She knew that. Except Carlisle was appearing in her dreams, reminding her of these things a lot lately. Reminding her that she had no place to ask him why he was late, where he was or when he would be home. The dream she had in the hospital, kept occurring except now he was standing over Olivia’s crib, always holding the stuffed white elephant and saying they should have named her after his late mother. She knew he wasn’t there, that it was a dream. Except in these real-life moments, she felt like it was all too familiar. As if she had been here before. She had. Matthew was better than that. She knew that. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind, except she couldn’t break the habit. Of being scared. Of wondering and she just wanted to be able to tell him, but a part of her felt it wasn’t right. It was a cross of being wrong to be worried and feeling validated in her concerns. She hadn’t felt like this in a long while. Life was kind of great, but it was a bit too nostalgic too.


	65. Chapter 65

As Mary walked along the pavement of the park, she stopped for a moment to check on Olivia. Anna was running into the nearby café to buy them each an iced coffee and Mary was keeping the stroller moving as she tried to get Olivia back to sleep. The little one wasn’t usually a light sleeper, but she had just been fed after being fussy and needed to be soothed. Mary smiled as Olivia’s hands moved to her face, her lips still moving as she was being fed with her lips tight around the pacifier. She couldn’t believe she could be so happy to stare at the little person in front of her who had made a full night of sleep a distant memory. Olivia was not a night sleeper. Mary needed to work on adjusting her routine. She knew that. However, Olivia’s doctor stressed that she was quite little and that there wasn’t a huge rush to push her into a routine. The doctor stressed it wasn’t necessary until she was a bit older, but they were exhausted. That led Mary to do more research about sleep schedules and even Matthew had come home, having read about it. Olivia slept a lot, but for short durations and often stayed up more at night. She wasn’t always fussy. She mostly just wanted to be held, stretch her hands while they spoke to her. It just wasn’t leading to much sleep for Matthew and Mary. All the research pointed to a routine being possible, but difficult for babies. A baby like Olivia? She didn’t know, but for now she would savor these moments. The moments of being completely exhausted and awoken by cries or just the inability to sleep, because she was staring at the perfect child in front of her. Olivia was so perfect, that sometimes Mary just found herself crying. Crying, because she didn’t know how she could have once been a bit unhappy about being pregnant or thought Matthew would have left her, because she was going to be having a baby. Mostly she just cried, because her child was beautiful. How could something so perfect come out of something so bad? It was like the rainbow after the rain. Olivia was some sign of everything that was good. Proof that she could go through hell and come out with an angel. It all seemed so poetic and yet, she questioned if her thinking was too romanticized, because she was so tired. It didn’t matter. Everything that had happened, could never make her wish Olivia didn’t exist. She truly knew now what it meant to have a mother’s love. She looked up to find Anna walking towards her, the petite blonde’s hat and thick glasses protecting her from the shade. “Was the line long?”  
“No, but I saw Thomas in there.” Anna handed her a plastic cup with a light-yellow straw sticking out of it. “He was telling me about these knew scones they have with cinnamon sugar. I got us two.”  
“Oh. Thank you.” Mary giggled, taking a pastry bag that Anna handed her. “I imagine we’ll have to walk a bit more to work this off.”  
“I want to take Pilates again.” Anna replied, taking a sip at her own coffee. “You’re finally back home, we could take a class in town on Saturday mornings. Matthew is home, so he can stay with the baby.”  
“And get pastries after class?” Mary smirked, taking a bite of the coffee cake.   
“Obviously.” Anna laughed, looking into the stroller. “Oh gosh. She’s an angel.”  
“I’ll admit.” Mary spoke as they began to walk, her hands pushing the stroller along. “She’s quite perfect.”  
“How do you get anything done?” Anna asked. “I swear you are constantly doing something at the house when I come over or call.”  
“It’s hard. She’s usually attached to me in some fashion.” Mary admitted, adjusting the blanket as they stopped for some bikers to go by. “Somehow I manage.”  
“I’m sure her being cute makes everything easier.” Anna laughed, sipping at her coffee as she watched Olivia sleep.   
“It certainly helps.” Mary exclaimed as they began to walk again, passing a group of mother’s meetings with their children. “Mostly, I just want Matthew to come home to a nice place where he doesn’t have to worry about it. It isn’t quite what I envisioned, cleaning and cooking.”  
“But doesn’t a made come?” Anna asked, moving out of the way of someone on roller skates.   
“Once a week.” Mary nodded, keeping an eye on Olivia as she slept. “Still, there is a house to manage and I don’t like to just let it get messy. Seems pointless to have a made just to undo what she does, so I try to keep it nice still and just have her do the deep cleaning.”  
“Makes sense.” Anna said thoughtfully. “And Matthew?”  
“What about him?” Mary asked, pushing her glasses back on her hair as the sun faded behind the clouds.   
“Are you happy with him?” Anna asked, gesturing that she would push the stroller and Mary released her hands.   
“I’m always going to be happy to be with Matthew.” Mary sighed, walking along the stroller.   
“I mean, are things going alright?” Anna rolled her eyes, smiling as Olivia flinched. “This was a big step for you guys. Welcome a baby in your first months as an official couple and living together. You guys went all in.”  
“It has its challenges at times, but I feel like these are just things couples in these situations go through.” Mary sighed as they stopped in front of a metal bench, and sitting down. Anna parked the stroller next to Mary. “A baby that won’t sleep, my emotions are still all over the place and we can’t seem to get enough one on one time.”  
“One on one time?” Anna frowned, a look of confusion coming across her face before her eyes went wide. “Oh…. you mean sex. Right?”  
“Sex.” Mary nodded, looking around.   
“Is it bad or…”  
“No.” Mary insisted, almost laughing. “It’s just there isn’t any. Not for lack of trying?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, either I am too tired or he’s too tired or Olivia interrupts.” Mary sighed, reaching to put Olivia’s pacifier in her mouth as she began to stir. “Or Matthew gets side tracked or distracted, because he struggles with trying to do it with Olivia in the room sleeping. He said he seems inappropriate to moan and do things with a baby nearby.”  
“You would do it in the room with the baby?” Anna gasped.   
“It’s not like she’s in the bed, but it’s not exactly easy to be away from her when she’s so little.” Mary chuckled, holding the pacifier to Olivia as she began to suck on it. “Wait until you have children. One night we tried to do it while she was sleeping and we were brushing our teeth.”  
“How would you….”  
“You can try to sort anything out when you’ve gone more than a month without interacting.” Mary teased, thinking to how she tried to pleasure Matthew that morning before work. It was going well until Olivia woke up almost demanding a diaper change. “Physically.”  
“I mean I get it, but you guys really can’t just…do it fast?”  
“It’s not that easy.” Mary sighed, dropping her head back dramatically and letting out a little giggle. “It isn’t uncommon to struggle to find time apparently, but still. Matthew and I are ready.”  
“Maybe it’s time someone watches Olivia.” Anna suggested and Mary knew she was trying her best to understand. However, she wasn’t ready to let anyone just watch her child. “Or let her cry.”  
“It will work itself out.” Mary replied, adjusting Olivia’s blanket. “It all will.”  
“Is intimacy the only struggle you guys are having…or that’s bothering you?” Anna asked and Mary felt her eyes on her. “Something is bothering you. I know you.”  
“Too well.”  
“Perhaps.” Anna giggled. “But then again, you know too much about me. So, it’s good for us to share.”  
“Maybe.” Mary looked down at her phone, noticing she hadn’t heard from Matthew all day.   
“So, spill.” Anna almost demanded. “Out with it.”  
“I’m not sure if I am just being sensitive and my emotions are still in a twist, but I just feel…” Mary stopped, shaking her head furiously. “He’s working so much. He’s been late almost every night and I don’t want to sound like I am nagging him, but what if this is a regular thing? What if he’s constantly late and I can’t ask about it. It’s none of my business.”  
“It is your business.” Anna sighed, moving her hand over Mary’s. “You’re allowed to tell him that you feel like he’s late a lot. Are you worried, because of Carlisle? Are you worried, because you’ve asked before and Carlisle didn’t react well?”  
“Matthew would never do anything that Richard did.” Mary said confidently, smiling weakly at Anna. “I mean…I know he wouldn’t. Except, it still makes me nervous and he wants me to find something that I love to do whether it’s a job, hobby or just a cause and I think I know what I want to do but I can’t do it, if I don’t know that I have an equal partner who I can rely on.”  
“You can rely on Matthew.”  
“Can I? I can count on him in theory, but what if I have to be somewhere, because I have found some sort of passion and I am waiting on him? What if I need him at a certain time and he’s just too busy to be there?” Mary asked, feeling guilty for even questioning his reliability. Except it had been in her mind a lot lately. “I mean we’re not having sex, which I am sure is normal to struggle with after a baby, but he went back to work and sometimes he’s late and it’s not just a few minutes or a half hour there. The other night he was three hours late. I called and he kept saying I will be home within the hour and then…I don’t want to be a pest. He’s working so hard.”  
“There is nothing wrong with telling him that you’re concerned.” Anna sighed, letting go of Mary’s hand as Olivia began to fuss and Mary stood up to reach for the baby. “You should be able to tell him and I am sure he’s just so busy with everything at work. He loves you more than anything in the world and he would never dare to ruin that.”  
“I know.” Mary breathed.   
“Mary?” Anna asked, as Mary sat down on the bench, lightly bouncing the baby in her arms and consoling her.   
“Yeah?” Mary asked, looking up at her friend.   
“What did you decide you wanted to do? With your life…”  
“I want to open a boutique.” Mary smiled weakly, before looking down at her baby. “Where some of the proceeds can go to raise money for domestic violence victims, perhaps employ women who escaped abusive lives. It would be an online business so that there is anonymity.”  
“That would be amazing.” Anna’s eyes widened; her voice proud. “You love fashion and the cause is personal.”  
“It is.” Mary smiled, adjusting Olivia in her arms. The baby was fussy, her arms stretching out of her blankets. “I just want to make sure that I can do it.”  
“You can. We’ll make sure of it.” Anna smiled and Mary believed her. She wanted to tell Matthew. She had known for a week that she wanted to do this, but each night that she thought she might tell him her good idea, he was later and later. He was running himself ragged and she knew that. She hated that. It was why she tried to avoid him having to wake up with Olivia whenever she could. He was trying to do so much and whenever he thought she might be worried, it seemed he reminded her it was for their family. She appreciated that, but she wanted the man she loved to understand that she needed him at home too. It didn’t do her much good if he was working late every night and even some nights, going down to his office after she fell asleep to work for a bit. He was exhausted. She loved him more than she had ever loved any man and she wanted him to be happy, but she was realizing how much him working late had felt too much like her past. How it gave her anxiety, made her teeth clench and the sound of the door closing sent a shiver up her spine. She knew he wasn’t going to come in, drink some whiskey and hit her and she knew she wasn’t voicing this right, but she needed to talk to him. She just needed to find the right time and not be terrified. There was a knot in her stomach and she hated that. He was better than the man she had been married to and she knew that. Matthew wasn’t Richard. Still, she was filled with agony.


	66. Chapter 66

Being a mother was hard. Mary knew that for sure and while she loved being a mother, she was exhausted. Olivia had kept her and Matthew up all night and then Matthew had gone off to work and she was left with Olivia. She didn’t mind. She loved her baby and obviously wanted to be the one to console her when she was having a rough day. Olivia had been having issues with her stomach and they had made an appointment with the doctor who assured them that this was normal in premature babies. It made for one upset baby and a long night for the parents. Mary didn’t want to complain, especially because she never wanted it to seem like she didn’t love her daughter. She never wanted anyone to turn around and say that she needed a break from her, Mary loved Olivia more than she loved herself. She would do anything for her little girl and being exhausted was a part of that. When she called the pediatrician, she had also suggested that they try gripe water which was a supplement with natural ingredients that would help soothe her and perhaps give her some quiet. She had called Matthew this morning and asked him to pick it up on his way home from work. She had also called him an hour before he was due to leave and reminded him after he texted her that his meeting was running late. She hadn’t heard from him since and she was looking at the clock, wondering when he would walk in with the medicine for Olivia. At this point it seemed like the last choice, because she had tried everything and besides nursing her baby, there were very few moments in her day that resulted in quiet. Even sleeping. Olivia hadn’t napped well, but the doctor assured her that the gripe water would help calm her down. She wasn’t even a baby with colic, or at least she hadn’t shown signs of it prior to this day. As Mary sat down, her hair falling in her face, she tried to attach Olivia to her breast, silently praying the baby would latch and calm down. It was a relief to her when Olivia did and at the same time, the door to their house opened with Matthew rushing in, tossing his briefcase on the chair by the entryway. “Oh Mary. I am sorry. I was on my way out of the meeting and that idiot Rufus came downstairs to tell me that he needed me to look at some documents and I was going to call, but my phone is dead and I assume by now you know I left my charger here this morning.”  
“I did.” Mary nodded, looking around him for the briefcase. “All is forgiven, just hand me the gripe water.”  
“The what?” Matthew frowned; his hands open.   
“The gripe water for Olivia.” Mary reminded him.   
“What do…oh.” Matthew frowned, shaking his head. “Damn it. I forgot it.”  
“Oh my god.” Mary almost laughed, shaking her head. “No, you didn’t.”  
“I didn’t mean to, but I just got so busy and you didn’t remind me.”  
“I texted you twice and tried to call you.”  
“I didn’t have much time to look at my phone.” Matthew insisted, but honestly Mary was just looking up at the ceiling, tears coming to her eyes. “And my charger.”  
“You left it at home.” Mary nodded, avoiding his eyes. “Yeah, you said that.”  
“I’m sure we can calm her down without it.” Matthew replied, stepping forward. “Give her to me after you feed her.”  
“Matthew, are you kidding me?” Mary breathed, dropping her head back. She wasn’t going to cry, this was stupid. Except her eyes were watering and her nose was twitching. “It’s not a matter of being able to calm her down. I have tried everything. I asked you to do one thing. You didn’t get my messages; your charger is here and instead of apologizing…you’re telling me you think you can do a better job at soothing her.”  
“That’s not what I said…” Matthew insisted. Moving to sit next to her on the couch, his hand moving to her arm, but she pulled it away quickly. “Mary…”  
“Please don’t touch me.” Mary felt her face go hot, her chest feeling heavy as she began to cry.   
“Hey…” Matthew frowned, moving his hand to her shoulder. “Mary, I can run to the pharmacy. It’s just down the road.”  
“It’s not about that.” Mary breathed, pushing his hand away from her shoulder. “You were late again and I can’t even be mad at you for it.”  
“You can be mad.” Matthew replied as Mary began to cry, trying to hold in her tears. “Tell me why you’re mad.”  
“I can’t.” Mary shook her head, trying not to get upset as she held her hand over Olivia. “It’s not my business.”  
“Mary.” Matthew’s face filled with worry. “Mary, I know this has to do with Carlisle. You might be mad at me, but not your business? What did he do? You asked him why he was late and he hurt you didn’t he?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Mary shook her head, trying to stop her tears as she looked down at the perfect baby in front of her who was finally falling asleep while nursing. “You’re not him. You’re so much better than him. You’re…you’ve just been really late and I don’t constantly want to be the woman at home waiting. And I…we needed you tonight.”  
“Mary, I am so sorry.” Matthew said as she felt him lightly put his arm around her, this time she didn’t pull away. Instead, she turned her head into his shoulder. “I should have been home. You’ve been alone with a screaming baby all day who doesn’t feel well and I should have been with you.”  
“I can handle a baby that doesn’t feel well, but I just…”  
“You needed to know your partner in crime was going to be home.” Matthew smiled, wiping at her tears and pushing her hand from her face. “  
“Every single night since you’ve gone back to work you’ve been late and it seems like it just gets worse and worse.” Mary breathed, gently pulling Olivia off of her. “I know you didn’t ask for this but…”  
“Stop.” Matthew groaned, reaching for Olivia. “I did ask for this. It’s all I ever wanted and you know that.”  
“But you didn’t ask for the crazy…”  
“Mary, you’re not crazy. You went through hell, which we know and you’re going to go back to getting help but you’ve also had a baby and neither one of is sleeping much.” Matthew held Olivia to his chest, patting her back. “Add to it a gassy baby who is quite upset and a fiancé who was behaving a bit stupid.”  
“I feel I’m a bit stupid.” Mary replied, reaching behind her for a tissue. “Terrified all the time when I know you’re not him. Afraid to tell you when I am upset.”  
“Why are you afraid? If you know I’m not him, the only way you could still be scared is if you have a traumatic memory of a similar situation.” Matthew said softly, trying to calm Olivia as she whimpered a bit. “Tell me Mary. This only works if you tell me. Openly. It only works if you feel comfortable telling me when you’re afraid. I can’t help if I don’t know. I can’t stop myself from doing something wrong or touching you at the wrong time if I never know.”  
“I’m afraid it might…”  
“Don’t be afraid of anything. We said he wasn’t going to dictate our happiness anymore, but you still reserve the right to be open with me and tell me what scares you.” Matthew said, leaning back into the couch with Olivia who was calming for the first time all day and through it all Mary’s heart still managed to melt at the sight of the two of them. “Lay back with us…”  
“And tell you my troubles?” Mary asked, shifting against the plush couch, her tears drying against her face and she felt so silly. “I’m not sure we have the time.”  
“We’ll make time.” Matthew responded, lifting his arm for her to come lay next to him. He looked sad for her, guilty even. She hated that she made him feel this way and she was mad at him at the same time for making her feel too familiar.   
“Goodness.” Mary sighed, sliding into his body, her hand moving over Olivia’s back. “It seems you were the only one to calm her down.”  
“Maybe she knew her father was being an idiot.” Matthew almost teased, pressing a kiss to Mary’s head and as angry as she was, she felt safe. “Mary, tell me why you’re afraid. Tell me why you don’t think it’s your right to be angry. What did he do to you?”  
“You know what he did to me.”   
“Mary…”  
“Fine…” Mary closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “He was late all the time and it was a few months into our marriage. He had grabbed me…hit me a few times but I honestly was in denial. I thought I could still test him and it wouldn’t matter. He finally showed up one evening after telling me he would be home hours ago. I was angry, I had probably had an extra glass of wine or I wouldn’t have been so bold, but I snapped at him to let him know I was annoyed and he broke my wrist. Fair trade in his mind.”  
“He was a sick man.” She heard him say, before kissing her head repeatedly, his hand moving up and down her arms. “He was…when its all said and done at the end of his life he will pay.”  
“It doesn’t matter.” Mary breathed, looking at the hand resting on Olivia and remembering the exact moment when she knew her wrist was broken and her eyes closed tight as if she remembered the pain. “It’s over now.”  
“But you’re still dealing with it.” Matthew sighed. “Mary, when it comes to me, I am sorry. I was so focused on building the business to give our children something to all inherit one day and give us everything we could ever want; I was letting it control my time. When I tell them I am leaving, that is what I will mean. Not just for our family, but for all of their families. I have to mean what I say. If I am not a man of my word, I am nothing.”  
“Matthew…”  
“It’s true.” Matthew insisted. “When you left to marry him, I tossed myself head first into my work. I worked all the time and I guess it became a bit of a habit. A terrible habit that can’t continue. I don’t want you or my children to think I am only a man faithful to his job and nobody else. I want to be held accountable and that’s your job.”  
“My job?” Mary looked up at him, his thumb rubbing her cheek.   
“Yes, to give me a real whacking when I am late. Now I am sure there are times where I won’t be able to help it, but I need to be open with you and let you know. I can’t leave you without an update for hours. It isn’t fair.” Matthew explained, his hands moving to her hair. “But I think a few other things need to be discussed.”  
“What do you mean?” Mary frowned.   
“I think we should discuss letting our mother’s or Anna or someone watch Olivia at this point. Maybe once a month so we can just have a night alone.” Matthew replied, winking at her. “They’re keen to keep her and you and I are desperate for time to each other.”  
“She’s too tiny to be kept overnight at the moment.” Mary lifted her head again, speaking quickly. “A few hours, maybe. I can’t leave her for that long, not until she’s a bit bigger or at least sleeps through the night.”  
“Fair, but we can discuss those details later.” Matthew ran his free hand over Olivia. “Maybe we can have them take her for the day or something. I’m sure that’s enough time for a light meal and some quality time.”  
“Maybe.” Mary looked up at him, her chin resting on her hand. “Matthew?”  
“Yes?”  
“I don’t want you to think I am unhappy.” Mary sighed, looking away from him. “I truly am happy with you and Olivia, but I was angry with you. For working late and for forgetting her medicine. Perhaps even, because you didn’t have to hear her cry all day.”  
“Fair enough.” Matthew laughed, kissing her head and she closed her eyes for a moment, before looking back to him. “You get to be angry. Sometimes even when its not my fault. Even it has nothing to do with me. Sometimes you’ll be angry and we’ll yell at each other and be mean. But you reserve that right to get angry and to hold your own during a fight. Your feelings are valid, even when I don’t understand.”  
“Do you think you would go to therapy with me one day?” She asked, her stomach twisting as she asked, wondering if she had offended him. “Just maybe you…no we could understand it better and maybe we could work through any issues we may have. So, I could be better at communicating.”  
“I think that is a great idea.” Matthew smiled tiredly. “But I will remind you, that it won’t be easy. The therapist will bring up our past issues and make us work through those.”  
“And you’re afraid we’ll fight?” Mary frowned.   
“That’s the point.” Matthew sighed, as Olivia’s little arm moved above her head. “We fight for us and we won’t always like what the other has to say, but that is life. Fighting is fine. We’ll get through it.”  
“And I’ll have to get Olivia asleep before we go in to the appointment.”  
“No.” Matthew said quickly, shaking his head. “One of our parents or someone will keep her. She doesn’t come to therapy.”  
“Oh.” Mary nodded, having not thought of the logistics. “You’re right.”  
“It is something we owe to ourselves. We don’t have to send her away overnight yet, but we owe alone time to each other.” Matthew insisted and she believed him. “And I am going to work from home tomorrow in the morning, then the rest of the day is reserved for you and Liv.”  
“I think we’d like that.” Mary smiled tiredly as Olivia scrunched up her face against Matthew’s chest and she let out a small wail. “Oh.”  
“Why don’t we put her in the car seat and drive to the pharmacy before they close?” Matthew asked, pressing a kiss to Mary’s head. “Maybe she’ll sleep more in the car and you can get out of the house for a moment.”  
“Okay.” Mary smiled, wondering how she got lucky with a man who understood. A man who encouraged her to share how she felt and could talk her down in moments of breaking down. She would talk to him about her boutique idea, but for now she would wait. Maybe she would tell him on the drive, but for right now, she was going to get up and put her shoes on so that they could go on a small drive as a family and get Olivia’s gripe water. This was their life. They were a work in progress. A bit of a mess at times and now he would go to therapy with her where surely, they would discuss their pasts. None of that would be easy. Leaving Olivia wouldn’t be easy, but it would be the right thing to do. Still she wasn’t ready to do that, but she and Matthew had compromised easily and quickly. She figured that their night had been prompted by a night of a post pregnancy hormones, past trauma and a fueled fire she should have shared her concerns about. They hadn’t fought, but she had told him she was mad and he didn’t hate her for it. He just accepted it and said he would do better. She hadn’t heard that before and a small part of her was excited to be mad at him to again. To see their passion. It was odd. An odd feeling of fear, excitement and interest in how they could grow even closer.


	67. Chapter 67

Matthew had to hand it to Mary, because taking care of an infant wasn’t easy. He knew that already. They had been up together at night and then there was the time he was home before he went back to work after she was born, but today was challenging. Matthew had about an hour of work left in the day he told his office that he was going to work from home. Mary had been so upset the last night, so he told her to go up, take a shower and take a nap and he would meet her upstairs with Olivia when he was done working. He had attached their small little girl to a carrier and tried to continue his day. One hour had been filled with crying, a diaper blowout and a need to be rocked back to sleep. How could something the size of a newborn baby be so demanding in such a short amount of time? He had to give his fiancé so much credit. She managed to get a lot done while he was at work and he didn’t know how she did it. The last hour of his work day had basically been ignored and now he was shutting his stuff down so that he could leave his home office and go see Mary. He didn’t want to complain. As distracting as Olivia was, he didn’t want to complain because he missed her when he was at work. He would take being distracted, over a day without her. She was perfect, diaper changes and all. He shut his laptop, searching his desk for the purple heart pacifier that Olivia favored. It had to be here somewhere. He looked around, smiling as he noticed it sitting on a stack of files to the left of his desk. This was definitely a different part to life. Mountains of files for work and a few baby items sprinkled around his office, including the baby swing he brought into the office and assumed she would sleep in once Mary went upstairs. She didn’t. She had wanted to be held and apparently ruin one outfit for the day. She would need a bath at some point, but he would try to do it really quick. He turned the fan off in his office, having turned it on in hopes the sound would urge her to sleep, but it didn’t. That was okay. This was being a parent and he wouldn’t trade it for anything.  
This morning, he had woken up early and made Mary breakfast. He wanted to let her know he appreciated her and she had looked so tired when she went to bed. It was probably the right thing, for the both of them to go to therapy together. They had been thrown back together in an effort to save her life, but never talked through their key issues and when they fought, they spoke once and moved on. It wasn’t that they stayed mad or bitter, that wasn’t the case at all. Except Mary had been through a very traumatic moment in her life and therapy may produce ways for him to understand when she was having a tough time and could help her fully trust him. They had a strong relationship, but this would only help it. He also suspected that she had a bit of post-partum emotions going on. She didn’t seem too depressed, but even Cora had mentioned she thought her emotions were out of whack at the moment. She was getting burnt out and it was time to start focusing on making sure that she was taking care of herself too.   
Matthew walked up the steps of their home, his finger gripped by Olivia’s small one. He kissed the top of her head as she looked around in the carrier and he felt lucky to have this hour with her even if she had cried most of the time. Giving her a bath would be quick and then he could climb into bed with Mary and when they were ready to wake up, he would suggest they go to an outdoor market and enjoy the rest of the day. When he walked into the nursery, he smiled that the basket of laundry Mary had sat in there earlier was gone and the folded item shad been put away. He retrieved a baby towel from one of the drawers and picked out a dress for Olivia to wear after her bath. The nice part about her being a baby was he could still get her back to sleep in whatever she was wearing and he thought dressing her up might make Mary smile. “Come on squeaks. Bath time.”  
Matthew shut the door to the nursery and tried not to laugh as Olivia let out a huge yawn. She was adorable and he wished he had his phone on and ready to go, because he loved the little yawns. He and Mary had at least ten pictures of her yawns between the two of them, but they never got old. It was the sweetest little thing. As he opened the bathroom door, the door to their bedroom opened and he saw a tired looking Mary. “Why are you up?”  
“I heard her squeaks when you were coming up the stairs.” Mary giggled tiredly, wiping at her eyes as she walked down the hallway. “What are you doing?”  
“She needs a bath.” Matthew replied as he turned the hall bathroom light on, walking in to see Olivia’s dry baby bathtub resting on the counter and he figured he would just set it up by the sink instead of the tub. “We had a diaper situation.”  
“Oh?” Mary’s eyes widened and she nodded. “Well I imagine she’s feeling better now.”  
“She seems quite pleased.” Matthew kissed the little baby’s cheek, before looking around for a towel. He smiled as Mary held one up, laying in on the flat surface of the counter for him to rest the baby on. “Hopefully she still likes baths.”  
“She does.” Mary rolled her eyes, stepping forward unbutton the yellow and green sleeper that Olivia had been changed into just a bit before. “Olivia, I have to thank you for having this diaper with your father, not with me.”  
“Yeah, you should be thanking me.” Matthew laughed, kissing the side of Mary’s head as she tossed the sleeper in the white laundry hamper designated for Olivia’s things. He smiled as Mary lifted the baby wearing only a diaper and he turned on the water. In the recent weeks, Olivia had become a bit more aware, her eyes wide as she looked at her mother. “Mary, every day I am so relieved she looks just like you. I just hope the rest of our children do too.”  
“Hmm…I wouldn’t mind a son with your eyes though.” Mary said, laying Olivia back down and Matthew couldn’t help but be taken back as she said something so openly about future children. “Hair and all.”  
“See, Olivia.” Matthew picked the naked baby up, before laying her in the small tub of water. “Your mom wants to give you a brother.”  
“Not for a few years.” Mary responded, shaking her head. “I…we have a lot to do and work out before that will ever happen.”  
“You make it sound like it’s a chore.” Matthew frowned as Olivia yawned again, kicking her knees out.   
“I just think we should decide what to do about this engagement before you get me pregnant.” Mary replied, reaching for a pink washcloth and running it over the water. “Perhaps get this one sleeping through the night.”  
“Have you given any thought to a wedding?” Matthew asked, opening he baby shampoo and running some over Olivia’s hair as Mary pushed his sleeves back. “I know we talked about something small, I think that would be nice.”  
“Same feelings. Something courthouse.” Mary smiled, leaning into him as he washed Olivia. “A party later with the family and friends.”  
“I think that’s perfect.” Matthew smiled, cupping some water and dropping it over the back of Olivia’s head. He let out a laugh as a little bit of water fell on Olivia’s face and she blinked a few times before shaking her head. “Sorry Squeaks.”  
“In a few months.” Mary kissed his cheek, before wiping the water off of Olivia’s cheek. “You love baths don’t you, darling?”  
“She loves them.” Matthew laughed as he ran the cloth over her stomach. Olivia was small, much smaller for her age and sometimes he felt like she was younger than she was. “I feel like she got bigger.”  
“She did.” Mary frowned, leaning forward to kiss Olivia’s cheek as Matthew finished off watching her. “She’s almost out of her newborn clothing.”  
“Isn’t the next size up called birth to three months or something?” Matthew asked.   
“Yes.” Mary replied, reaching for the baby towel as Matthew lifted Olivia and positioned her against the fabric before Mary took her.   
“So essentially she is still wearing clothing made for a new baby?” Matthew asked, still confused about the baby sizes.   
“No.” Mary replied, kissing Olivia as they walked down the hall and into the nursery. “It means she’s getting bigger and I’ll probably cry when her diaper size goes up.”  
“Oh, I see.” Matthew laughed, as he walked over to the closet, opening the white doors to browse her small dresses.   
“We could just put her in a onesie for now.” Mary gestured to the dresser, placing Olivia on the changing table and reaching for a diaper.   
“I was thinking a dress.” Matthew said proudly, looking through all of the pretty fabric at the outfits Mary usually put her in. He found a tony blue dress with white eyelet on the edge and smiled, taking it off the rack. “This one.”  
“Oh. Okay.” Mary giggled as she latched the diaper around the baby’s small waist and Matthew handed her the dress.   
“I thought after sleep for an hour, we could go to the outdoor market and walk around.” Matthew suggested, watching as Mary slid Olivia’s small hands through the holes of the dress, before placing a small white headband on her head.   
“I think that would be nice.” Mary replied, as Matthew pushed her hair behind her ears, pressing his lips to the temple of her head. He couldn’t help but want to kiss her as she lifted Olivia to her chest. She was an amazing mother and he couldn’t wait to marry her.   
“Mary…” Matthew whispered, watching as Mary made cooing noises at her baby, holding the back of Olivia’s head.   
“Yeah?” She smiled, examining Olivia.   
“You’re amazing. You’re so good at this.” Matthew said, kissing the side of her head again. “I know you want to do the boutique and we’ll make that happen, but just know you’re an amazing mother.”  
“Thank you.” She said, as they walked out of the nursery and to their room. He was going to marry her. He knew that much. It would likely be a very small ceremony in a few months, but there was a part of him who just couldn’t get over how lucky he was. Sometimes he had to remind himself that Olivia didn’t share his DNA, because he was so in love with Mary and Olivia. He sometimes found himself trying to remember what life was like before Olivia existed and he couldn’t remember. It seemed appropriate that she be there at their wedding and their family became by all accounts, whole. The adoption process had been much easier than he thought. They were able to write his name in at birth and once they were married there were a few paper documents that had to be completed, but since Carlisle had surrendered all rights, it was pretty simple. He was Olivia Katherine’s father and soon he would be Mary’s husband. They would legally be a family. Therapy would start soon, helping build the solid foundation they needed to be able to start their marriage off on the right foot. He couldn’t wait. For now, he would fall asleep next to his love and his baby girl.


	68. Chapter 68

Mary was nervous as she sat in the office of Dr. Brinley. She wasn’t sure if she was more nervous to talk to her therapist with Matthew or if had to do with leaving Olivia for the very first time. Cora was in France for an event with Robert, so Olivia was at Isobel’s. She knew her baby was in amazing hands and that she had pumped enough milk to get Olivia through the day. Still, she was nervous. She and Matthew had spoken the entire way to the office of the therapist, mostly him assuring her that Olivia was going to be just fine. Except as they waited for the doctor to come in, they sat on two ends of the couch as recommended by the hostess who led them in and they were barely speaking. When she looked at him, he seemed to be nervous too. He had gotten quiet and she had too. When they had arrived, they first had filled out a huge packet about their relationship, their past relationships and a brief timeline of their time together. Then they had to list causes of arguments they could remember, which had managed to stem back to the time they had met. Simple bickering moments, arguments over Lavinia, the day in his office. Then there was a disclaimer that therapy sessions would often end with a lot of tension to give them time to think about it until the next visit. So now, Mary was sitting on her side of the couch, trying not to feel too nervous about the idea that Olivia needed her or the fact that she and Matthew were about to open up to someone else. “Matthew…Mary!”  
Mary looked up to see Dr. Brinley walking in with a notebook, pen and her glasses in her hand. Mary smiled lightly and Matthew stood up. “Dr. Brinley, hi.”  
“Hello, I’m Matthew Crawley.” Matthew extended his hand, shaking the doctor’s in return.   
“I’m Dr. Brinley.” The woman said, backing towards her chair across from them. “So, how are you guys? I haven’t seen you since you were pregnant. How is the baby?”  
“She’s amazing.” Mary smiled, thinking of her little wonder back at Isobel’s. “She’s so beautiful. So perfect.”  
“We’re in love.” Matthew chuckled, looking over at Mary and she couldn’t help but smile. “She doesn’t sleep when we want to sleep, but we forgive her.”  
“They tend to do that.” Dr. Brinley laughed, opening her notebook and Mary found herself straightening up and Matthew did the same. “Well, I want to get started. I had a few moments to review your packet and I want to start this session by finding out what you want to get out of it. I’ll start with you Matthew.”  
“Oh…” He shifted in his seat and Mary could tell he was unsure of the right thing to see. “I guess just to understand what Mary needs from me and to work on past issues of trust. I think we don’t always trust each other the way that we should. That we have a few loose ends to resolve.”  
“Okay…” Dr. Brinley wrote in her notebook and then Mary felt her look up at her. “Mary?”  
“I have been in therapy, but I want Matthew to understand some of what I am going through.” Mary said, her voice nervously shaking. “And to not get worked up every time I am upset or we disagree.”  
“Why do you think you get so worked up?” Dr. Brinley asked, holding her pen between two fingers. “Do you think it has anything to do with your ex-husband?”  
“I do.” Mary nodded, pushing her dark hair behind her ears. She didn’t look at Matthew, but she honestly knew he agreed with her. “I think he causes a lot of problems for us.”  
“Would you agree with that Matthew?” Dr. Brinley followed up, putting her glasses on. “Do you think her ex-husband plays a role in your relationship?”  
“I don’t think he directly does, because he’s out of her life, but I think the trauma he put her through still does.” Matthew answered. “I understand that, but I sometimes I can’t even move the wrong way when we disagree and she flinches.”  
“Do you guys disagree a lot?” Dr. Brinley asked.   
“Yes.” Mary answered at the same time that Matthew answered a simple ‘no.’   
“You guys don’t agree on whether or not you disagree?” Dr. Brinley looked up at Mary looked at Matthew. “Mary, why do you feel like you guys disagree a lot?”  
“I…I don’t know.” Mary swallowed as she felt Matthew’s eyes on her. “Maybe not a lot, but I feel like we’ve had a lot of disagreements over the years and we either didn’t talk about them in the past and now…we just apologize and move on.”  
“But you don’t feel like your issues are resolved?” Dr. Brinley asked, eying Matthew.   
“Not really.” Mary admitted, looking over at Matthew who was looking down at his leg.   
“She’s partially right.” Matthew spoke up. “We didn’t talk about our past arguments or issues when we got together and we probably should have.”  
“Mary, do you feel the past arguments are resolved.” Dr. Brinley looked at her and Mary looked back at her hands. “From before   
“No.” Mary sighed, looking back up. “He said he wishes he hadn’t let me walk out, but we didn’t actually talk about our issues or why we didn’t get together and why we didn’t work out. Just one day we were together.”  
“It wasn’t like that.” Matthew said quickly.   
“Matthew, take me back before you guys got together. Before she got married.” Dr. Brinley instructed. “It sounds like you guys have issues that stem back a few years. Were you friends first?”  
“I thought we came more for Matthew to understand what I am dealing with better.” Mary said quickly.   
“It would help to get a history of you two.” Dr. Brinley smiled, before looking back at Matthew. “Matthew…what was your relationship like before she got engaged and married to someone else.”  
“It was back and forth. We would come close to getting together and then some argument or missed opportunity would take place.” Matthew explained. “She would date someone or I would date someone. Sometimes just to make the other person jealous.”  
“Like Lavinia.” Mary whispered.   
“Don’t bring her into this.” Matthew replied; his voice cold.  
“I didn’t mean to…” Mary started.   
“No, you did.” Matthew rolled his eyes, looking at their therapist. She and I had a fight and didn’t talk for a while. I went to London and began dating a girl and got engaged to her. Probably too fast for anyone and then she began to date the man who is now her ex-husband.”  
“And why is Lavinia a sore subject?” Dr. Brinley asked.   
“Lavinia passed away. She got the flu and just didn’t recover.” Matthew replied, shaking his head.   
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Dr. Brinley sighed, writing some notes down. “And Mary, how did you react to Lavinia?”  
“She was a sweet girl.” Mary answered, looking over at Matthew. “I never wanted anything bad to happen to her. She was a good person.”  
“And Mary, when did you begin to date the man you married?” The doctor asked, looking up.   
“Shortly after Matthew brought Lavinia back.” Mary said, her voice soft as she felt like it sounded terrible. It sounded as if she only did it to get back at Matthew and that wasn’t entirely the truth. A small part of her wanted to just move on with her life. “Richard wanted to offer me a life and he was quite fond of me.”  
“Obsessed is more like it.” Matthew groaned.   
“Matthew, what was your relationship with Mary like when you were with Lavinia.” Dr. Brinley looked at him, evaluating his body language.   
“It was fine. We actually got along very well and she was very supportive of my relationship with Lavinia.” Matthew said, before shifting uncomfortably. “Then one night we got to talking and we kissed…Lavinia walked in. She died a week later when she fell ill.”  
“And he blamed me.” Mary added.   
“I never blamed you.” Matthew rolled his eyes.   
“Do I need to remind you of the day I was in your office and you blamed me for her dying.” Mary felt her chest get tight, fighting the urge to yell.   
“I blamed the two of us.” Matthew snapped back.   
“That is still blaming me for it.” Mary bit.   
“Matthew…” Dr. Brinley put her hand up. “Can you tell me about that day in your office that she is talking about? What did that do for your relationship?”  
“It had been a few days since Lavinia’s funeral, I believe. Mary came in and she felt like we needed to talk and make a decision about what we wanted.” Matthew’s brows went inward as Mary could tell he was trying to think back to the day. “I had been drinking. Sulking mostly. Mary came in and she came to check on me and she was sorry about Lavinia, but she needed us to talk. She needed me to give her a reason to not marry Richard.”  
“And what did you do?” Dr. Brinley asked.   
“I yelled. I told her to marry him and I blamed us for killing Lavinia which I know now isn’t possible. I was drunk.” Matthew waived his hand, looking at Mary. “I don’t blame us for Lavinia. She got sick, but I still felt like a terrible person. She asked me to tell her not to marry him and I let her go. I kick myself over it every day.”  
“If Lavinia hadn’t died, what would have happened with you and Mary?” Dr. Brinley asked, Mary’s eyes shooting over to Matthew. “Would you and Mary have found your way back to each other? Understanding that Mary’s situation would have turned out the exact same, baby and all.”  
“I…I don’t know.” Matthew’s voice shook nervously. “I…want to think…”  
“Are you serious?” Mary felt her heart fall through her stomach, looking up at Matthew. “I…”  
“Mary…” Matthew tried to reach for her hand, but she just moved her hands to her lap and looked down.   
“This is an argument that you two need to have.” Dr. Brinley replied, flipping to another page in her notebook. “You two came together and from what I understand it all kind of came together by chance after Mary’s attack, but it sounds like your old issues were never fully addressed. You never fully got past that day in Matthew’s office. You never really put yourselves back in that office and resolved your problems. You just know that you shouldn’t have let her leave and Mary, he came back to you. He helped rescue you from a terrible situation, but have you two ever fully evaluated the things that kept you apart before?”  
“I guess not.” Matthew sighed as Mary felt sick.   
“And you do need to work through that day in your office. If the guilt you had from Lavinia never existed, would you be with Mary? We can’t get to today’s issues, without you two understanding your past.” Dr. Brinley explained. “Mary, I asked Matthew if he believes he would have ended up with you even if he had married Lavinia and you married Richard. I know it seems like a silly thought since she sadly did pass away, but based on my time with you in the past and my time with you two today, I do feel like you need to have this conversation. It won’t be easy.”  
“Well it sounds like he doesn’t know.” Mary replied, pushing her hair back and leaning back against the couch. “I can’t fault him. I don’t know what he would have done had she lived.”  
“Except now I’m afraid she’ll be upset all evening.” Matthew sighed.   
“Instead of sitting in silence, make sure to fight about it.” Dr. Brinley advised, handing Matthew a packet of paper. “I want you guys to write down key discussions you guys have over the next week, every argument or disagreement. I also want you to list any noted emotions, any points that you two feel are important and resolutions that you find. If you don’t have any, that’s okay. We can work through them next time.”  
“And how does this fix my concern about where we are now with our life?” Mary asked. “And leading Matthew to understand what I am going through?”  
“Trust me.” Dr. Brinley smiled warmly. “We’ll get there.”  
“Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Matthew said quietly.   
“I think this is a good place to stop today. I have given you your homework and I want to see you guys in a week.” Dr. Brinley closed her notebook, sliding her glasses off and clapping her hands together.   
“We’re done for today?” Mary looked at the time on her phone, noticing it had already been an hour “We just…”  
“I want you guys to have at least two conversations, preferably heated arguments about these issues we discussed.” Dr. Brinley replied as they all stood up. “Do the homework, try to still enjoy your life and the little one, but these arguments are good things. Sometimes fighting gets you more answers than problems.”  
“We’ll work on it.” Matthew said confidently, shaking the therapist’s hand as Mary shifted uncomfortable, before shaking her hand.   
“I’ll have my assistant call you and schedule you for next week.” Dr. Brinley smiled, walking them to the door. “Bye Mary, bye Matthew.”  
“Goodbye.” Mary breathed as they walked to the door, stepping out into the cloudy atmosphere. Matthew tried to walk up to her, taking her hand as they walked to the car, but she just walked feet ahead of him and opened the door to the black car when he unlocked it.   
“Mary!” Matthew called after her and she turned around. “She asked that stuff for a reason. So we could talk.”  
“If Lavinia had made it…hadn’t been ill or god forbid in the course of a year you found someone else…would you be with me right now? With Olivia…” Mary asked, not wanting his answer.   
“Mary…” Matthew looked around, his arms falling to his side.  
“I want to go home.” Mary replied, trying not to read too much into this. She knew Dr. Brinley was right and that they needed to have these arguments to get them to the right place. So far, therapy had been great for her even if sometimes she left feeling frustrated. Except today put a thought in her mind she wasn’t ready to come to terms with. A thought that made her question her whole life and the life she had with him. A thought she didn’t even want to stomach. Not just for her, but for Olivia. She got into the car, slamming the car door and trying to remind herself that the paper work even said they may feel frustrated and unresolved at the end of some appointments. She needed to remember that this would lead to good things, lead to answers and lead to fixing the problems they had, but right now she felt like she had been punched in the stomach and she just wanted to get home and hold her baby. The one persons she was doing this all for.


	69. Chapter 69

Mary had barely said three words to him since they had gotten home. When they arrived, she promptly asked if he would go pick up Olivia instead of them spending the rest of the day together and then she had gone into their baby’s nursery and closed the door. For a moment, he had grabbed the keys and decided to comply to go pick the baby up from his mother early. Except for some reason he felt like if he did that, they wouldn’t talk about this and it would become a bigger problem. He hadn’t been prepared for all of the problems that just one appointment would create. He knew it would open a can of worms and that they would struggle at times, but he hadn’t taken a moment to consider that a question could shake both of them. A question that should have been simple with a simple answer left him confused. On the drive home he had been angry. Lavinia was dead and he was with Mary. Then as a short amount of time went on, it hit him. He had admitted he wished he hadn’t let Mary walk out of the office that day, but what if the office argument had never happened? What if in the year and some months that she had been gone, he had met someone? He would have done anything to help her, he knew that. Nothing would have changed about him showing up for her, but would he have gone home to someone else? Would he have stayed with Lavinia? Matthew was sure about one thing. He wouldn’t change the life he had right now. He was in love with being a father, a role he had fallen into. He loved Mary more than he could ever love anyone. So why had the question been so difficult and why did it have him trying to figure out the answer? He didn’t want anyone else, but would he have walked away from someone else? Would they have gotten it together enough to say ‘enough is enough’ and be together? He hated this question, because he if Lavinia hadn’t died, he felt like they would have gone through with their wedding. Just as Mary had gone through with hers. Lavinia had died, but the question was still confusing. Why had the moment Carlisle almost killed her, been the final straw? He didn’t want anyone else. No matter what had happened, he would have always wanted her. But would that have been enough for the two of them to make it back to each other? He understood Dr. Brinley’s question. It was meant to make them think about why Carlisle nearly killing her had been the moment of action and if that was the only way they would have ended up together. Still, this question was killing them. So, he needed to talk to her and they needed to work through this together. He walked upstairs, checking his phone once to make sure there were no messages about Olivia. He was always surprised that his mother would text, but it had come in handy today for quick check ins on the baby. He knocked once, hearing nothing before opening the door to the light blue and floral nursery. Mary was sitting on the floor in front of a stack of Olivia’s clothing. “Mary, can we talk?”  
“Why didn’t you go get Olivia?” She asked coldly, folding a gray little sleeper with clouds printed all over it.   
“Because I think it’s important that the two of us talk first.” Matthew ran his hands through his hair, standing in the door way of their baby’s room.   
“I’ll just go get her in a moment.” Mary replied, putting the sleeper into a stack to the left of her.   
“No, we need to talk first.” Matthew insisted, closing the door to the nursery. He looked around the room, to find a small duffle sitting on the changing table. “Are you leaving me?”  
“I was thinking Olivia and I should go stay at my parents’ home.” Mary replied, not making eye contact with him as she reached for a new outfit.   
“So, we definitely need to talk.” Matthew nodded, moving to sit across from her on the floor. She wasn’t listening to him as she reached from the pile of clothes. “Mary…Mary…”  
“What?” She groaned; her eyes wide.   
“Stop.” Matthew felt his voice raise, snatching the outfit from her hands and aggressively tossing it to the side. “Will you just talk to me instead of being mad and trying to leave with our child? I think I earned a bit more respect than you just shutting me out and deciding to just up and leave.”  
“I can’t be here.” She said, pushing her hair back from her face before reaching for the outfit Matthew tossed. “You don’t know if you would be with me if Lavinia hadn’t died. That means not just without me, but Olivia. Don’t you realize how fucked up that is?”  
“Mary…” Matthew swallowed, having never heard her utter that word other than in weak moments of pleasure. Mary didn’t curse often, he did it more than her and it was when he stubbed his toe or got frustrated trying to fix something, but she was hurting and he could tell. “I wasn’t expecting that question.”  
“You were the one who was so confident that we would be asked questions that were uncomfortable. If you didn’t want to answer them, why did you agree to it?” She shouted, getting frustrated as she tried to fold the outfit, but instead tossed it at his face. “If you can’t answer a simple question then why should I stay?”   
“It’s not a simple question.” Matthew responded as she pushed herself off the floor. “I know it seems like it should be.”  
“You made the decision to be with me and to be Olivia’s father! Nobody held your hand to the fire and said burn yourself.” Mary yelled, her voice cracking. “Nobody forced you to come to Paris with me. You showed up, ready and willing to take me before I even had a say in the matter.”  
“You didn’t fight it, Mary.” Matthew ran a hand through his hair before pushing himself up.   
“Could I have?” Mary shook her head, tears coming to her dark eyes. “Could I have honestly fought? Matthew, you made a choice with my family and right now it feels like it was out of your own guilty feeling then an interest in being with me."  
“It was the right choice for us and the right choice for Olivia.” Matthew defended himself, trying to find the right point to make. “I don’t want another family. I want the one I have.”  
“But if you had been with someone.” Mary started, crossing her arms. “If Lavinia wasn’t dead.”  
“I don’t want to answer that.” Matthew said, feeling sick at the thought. He didn’t know why he felt sick, other than the fact that Lavinia was dead and he hadn’t met someone else while they had been apart.   
“Because you can’t honestly say that we would be together.” Mary answered, her cheek stiffening as if she was biting it. “You don’t believe that we would be together.”  
“I don’t know, Mary!” Matthew shouted in frustration, the nausea not sitting well in his stomach.   
“Then think about it!”  
“I…Lavinia is dead.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what else you want me to say. I was in a relationship with her and if she had lived, I couldn’t have just left. I couldn’t have just bailed on her to be with you.”  
“Oh.” Mary shook her head. “Got it.”  
“Mary.” Matthew tried to reach for her as she walked past him, opening the nursery door, but she had been too quick. He followed her down the hall to their bedroom as she pushed the door open to their closer. “Mary, listen to me.”  
“Why?” Mary cried and it wasn’t just her being emotional. She was hurt and confused. “So, Olivia and I are convenient? You didn’t have any other strings attached so…”  
“Stop.” Matthew shouted, unsure of how he could fix this. “There wasn’t anyone else. You came back and I knew I had missed on the time that I should have been with you. It’s always been you, Mary. Through Lavinia even. It was you. Except, there is a difference between what is right and what is the right thing to do.”   
“Not always.” Mary replied, reaching for an overnight bag from the closet.   
“Mary, if we had gone on and married the people, we were marrying…how do you suppose we would have gotten together?” Matthew asked, crossing his arms. “A passionate affair? Me slipping in and out of the house while Carlisle was gone?”  
“So why be with me now?” She asked, tossing the bag on the bed. He grabbed the bag, tossing it back into the closet. “You’ve just said that you and I wouldn’t have ended up together, because you are a better man. I should applaud you for that, except now I know that us being together is a matter of one plan didn’t work out. Not because I was your first choice.”  
“That’s not what I am saying and that’s not what this scenario suggests.” Matthew groaned, sitting on the bed as she walked back to the closet to grab the same bag he took. “And what you do you think you’d be doing if Lavinia hadn’t died or I dated someone else after? Answer that Mary!”  
“I’d be dead!” Mary shouted, dropping the bag at her side. “Either at Carlisle’s hand or mine.”  
“I…oh.” Matthew breathed, feeling as if there was a punch to his gut. It was true. When he and her family got her out of that house, she didn’t have much time. Whether death had come that day or another, Carlisle would have taken her life or she would have given up. It was a terrible thought. A sickening thought. Except she was near death the day they found her. It was etched in his brain. The very sight of her would haunt him. “Mary…”  
“I will let Olivia stay here. We will stay here.” She breathed, wiping at her eyes. “This is her home, her things are here and she…we’ll stay for now. I won’t call off the wedding or make any big decisions right now. I can’t see clearly right now. I know that much. But right now, while we work on this…I just need to keep my distance.”  
“Mary…” Matthew frowned.   
“I need to take a walk…alone.” She bit her lip, walking out of the bedroom and leaving him there to be alone with his thoughts. They needed to sort this out. They needed to talk about their past problems. He wasn’t even sure if he meant what he said. That if Lavinia had lived, they would be together. He needed to think this through and then they needed to sit down together and sort it out. The actual problems that were preventing them from getting together. From bliss and romance. They had come so close and then one day, they were finally together after he had taken her to Paris. He needed to think a bit longer, before talking to her. They were going to get this, even if she needed space right now. He knew one thing and one thing for sure. Mary was the love of his life. No living or dead girlfriend could change that. He knew from the moment he met her, but things got in the way. She was all that mattered. Mary and that very perfect little girl of hers.


	70. Chapter 70

Mary knew her heart wasn’t broken, but it felt a bit close. Her heart definitely hurt and was probably a bit bruised. The only thing giving her solace was looking into the eyes of her precious baby girl while she fed her. She had no idea that the two people who had taken the lead in caring for her were hanging on by a thread. It was a thick thread, one with help and purpose but it was a thread nonetheless. A part of her wanted to get Olivia and leave. Except the part of her heart that was hurting, was the part that loved him so much it hurt. It was the part of herself that felt lost when he wasn’t around and the part of her that had returned the night she returned to Downton Abbey. She had lost herself and then she saw him and she felt whole again. When she was with him, she was safe and right now she hated that. She hated every bit of it, because she felt like she and Olivia needed to go. At least until they worked this out, but right now she couldn’t and she hated that. It made her feel weak, but more importantly it made her feel like she was failing Olivia. Deep down, she felt like Matthew loved her and wanted to be with her. She felt like this was just their time to be together after years of back and forth, but then Dr. Brinley had posed a question and she didn’t know how to handle it. Matthew’s answer hadn’t been comforting, but she kept trying to reverse the question and that was why she hadn’t walked out. In the beginning of it all, she could have left Carlisle. She could have been a stronger woman. She hadn’t been. She had been weak and stayed with him out of fear of losing her reputation, her life and a future. In reality, she could have had it all, with or without a man. She knew that now. But the idea of never having Matthew, it made her sick. Even in her marriage, she had thought of Matthew. Wished things had gone differently, but in her mind, she wasn’t going to get a second chance with him. When she was intimate with her husband, she just pictured Matthew in her mind to get through it. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t normal, but she loved him. It was why she hadn’t walked out the night before. She made mistakes too. These mistakes had impacted Matthew too and they could have ruined Olivia. So again, she wouldn’t leave. Not tonight. If it had just been her, maybe she would have been stupid enough to just walk out, but this was Olivia’s life too and she owed her to her little girl to try her best. She owed it to Matthew.   
As she sat in her bedroom, nursing her baby, she wondered where he was. She hadn’t left her room in hours and she honestly wasn’t sure what she would say to him if they spoke now. She had smelled some food as if he was cooking a little bit ago, but it had been pretty quiet since then. She took a deep breath, running her finger along Olivia’s plump cheeks as she nursed, smiling as Olivia ate while half asleep. She had to make this work for this little girl. Olivia loved her, but she loved how much she loved Matthew. She couldn’t and wouldn’t ever consider a life where she took Olivia away from Matthew. Except this didn’t make any of this hurt less. It didn’t mean she would ever be able to fully understand, but she didn’t want to fight about it. Except that was what they were supposed to be doing. As she shifted Olivia to her other breast, the door to the bedroom opened and Matthew was there, holding a large tray that had two plates and two drinks on it. “Hey.”  
“Hey.” He said, standing there and looking at Olivia. His eyes were sad as he raised the tray. “I brought dinner up here. I thought maybe we could talk and eat.”  
“Sure.” Mary took a deep breath, as Olivia latched and resumed eating.   
“I made the buttery broccoli pasta you loved when you were pregnant with her.” Matthew slid the tray onto the bed. She smiled weakly, before looking down at Olivia. “I see she finally woke up from her nap.”  
“Your mother did a great job of getting her to sleep.” Mary breathed, stroking Olivia’s dark hair. She looked up at Matthew for a moment, before immediately back to Olivia.   
“She said she was perfect the entire time.” Matthew replied, watching Mary intently and she could feel his eyes on her. “She even rocked her in a little nursery space she made for her.”  
“She told me she was going to make a corner of her sitting room just for Olivia.” Mary said softly, knowing that there was too much relying on the two of them. More than just them and Olivia. “She’s quite the grandmother already.”  
“She loves Olivia.” Matthew said, moving a bit closer, his hand moving to Olivia’s back as Mary fed her. “So do I.”  
“I know you do.” Mary sighed, looking up at him. “You’re her father.”  
“You two always come first.” Matthew replied, his years filling with tears and upon seeing him like that, Mary’s began to well up too. His voice shook a bit as he continued to speak, his tears getting heavier. “Mary, I don’t know what would have happened in an alternate universe, but the one thing I do know is that I have loved you for every day of my life since I met you and Olivia…I don’t have a sure answer, because it’s a life I don’t want to think about.” “Matthew…”  
“I…Lavinia knew. She thought I was still in love with you so maybe she would have been pushed too far by us always being in the corner of a room or maybe she would have died, I let you walk out and I would have met someone else, but I didn’t. I thought about it and I don’t think I would have. I would have been a sad and pathetic…broken man. You and Lavinia would have been gone, but we fought, because Lavinia saw us kiss and told me she thought I was still in love with you.” He spoke. “And you know that, so you know this isn’t some quest to get you to stay.”  
“I know.” Mary whispered, rocking Olivia lightly.   
“So, I don’t care what the past says about who I was with or wasn’t with.” Matthew rambled, pulling his hand back. “All that matters are through Lavinia, before and after…during…. you were all I ever wanted.” Matthew argued.  
“But we made missteps.” Mary breathed. “The both of us. Not just you. Not just me. We were foolish and that is why we weren’t together. Not because of anyone else, but each other.”  
“So, you believe that Carlisle and Lavinia had nothing to do with out problems?”   
Yes…no…I don’t know for sure.” Mary breathed, looking down at Olivia to check how she was doing before back to Matthew. “We couldn’t get our problems worked out before them…what if they just amplified huge problems anyways and now, you don’t know what you would do, because you don’t know if we’re meant to really be together.”  
“I believe that we’re supposed to be together.” Matthew started to reach for her hand, but pulled away. “But clearly we have some things we need to resolve. It never should have gotten this far. Not without us figuring it out and it shouldn’t be bad enough that you want to leave with Olivia. So, let’s figure it out. Why can’t we work it out?”  
“I don’t know.” Mary shook her head. “Before you came back with Lavinia, we came close to getting together but it didn’t work out.”  
“Because you weren’t ready to commit.” Matthew added.   
“No.” Mary shook her head. “You wanted something serious and I wanted to take it slow.”  
“I told you that we could take it slow.” Matthew argued, leaning back against the pillows. “If that was what you wanted to do.”  
“When we were arguing about it not working out.” Mary rolled her eyes, as Olivia finished eating. “I told you I felt like you were pressuring me to make a decision.”  
“We were constantly flirting and spending time together.” Matthew explained, taking Olivia gently from her. “We were constantly in this limbo, because you didn’t want to commit. I wasn’t as rich as your other prospects showing interest.”  
“Stop that.” Mary groaned.   
“I’m not saying you were about the money, but I think it was confusing to you to have so many people want your attention.” Matthew clarified and she realized it wasn’t something to get mad about. He wasn’t wrong and it was confusing. “But I had a right to finally demand an answer.”  
“And I felt pressured.” Mary said, shaking her head.   
“I am sorry you felt pressured.” Matthew insisted, patting Olivia’s back. “But it is also important to acknowledge that you were stringing me along.”  
“Stringing you along?” Mary almost gasped, sitting back and shaking her head. “That is absurd. I was not.”  
“You were.” Matthew replied, reaching for her hand. “I understand that some of the situations had more to do with pressure being put on you by your family or society, but you did string me a long at times, especially prior to me returning with Lavinia.”  
“And was Lavinia ever tempting to you, in order to make me jealous?” Mary asked, crossing her arms. “You brought be back on the night the town was throwing a huge concert to raise money for a children’s wing of the hospital. What a night to bring attention back to yourself.”  
“I wouldn’t.” Matthew replied, shaking his head. “I…it looked bad. I believe that now.”  
“And there was never a thought in your mind, that it might make me jealous?” Mary questioned him and he let out a deep sigh. “That didn’t occur to you even once?”  
“Did it?” Matthew asked, reaching for a small cloth to clean Olivia’s face.  
“Did it what?”  
“Make you jealous?” He followed up her question.   
“I…maybe.” Mary admitted, thinking about what it had felt like when he had returned to town with a very sweet, petite and kind red head. “Yes. She was with you when I wasn’t. Fine.”  
“Was Carlisle ever expected to play a role in making me jealous?” Matthew asked with a slight smirk and Mary shook her head as if to say ‘no.’ “Oh come on…”  
“He was an option and a worthy contender to give me a role in society and that was all very appealing.” Mary admitted, running her hands through her hair as she realized they were finally successfully arguing or at least talking about their past. “I will admit, the attention you would show me when he was around made me question if I should be with him and the way your lips would pierce when he would say something to me…it made me feel like I had a chance with you.”  
“So why didn’t you say something?” Matthew asked, shaking his head as he rested Olivia on his legs. “If you wanted to be with me. If you wanted to have a chance.”  
“You were with Lavinia.” Mary felt her eyes roll again, wondering why he thought she could just say something. “And what would you have thought of me if I came to you while you were dating someone else and say, ‘Matthew, I want you. Please cast Lavinia to the side and run away with me.’ Would that have magically fixed our issues?”  
“I suppose not.” Matthew whispered.   
“And when we danced in the house and Lavinia saw us kiss, you blew me off after wards.” Mary remembered the few days before Lavinia’s illness became serious. She had even gone back to normal and Matthew had come for drinks with Tom and her father. “You acted like nothing happened and then when she died, you blamed me.”  
“I was upset.” Matthew replied, lifting Olivia back up, placing a kiss on her cheek. “I wasn’t in a good place, but you know that I regret that every day.”  
“I know, but you suddenly believe I should have told you that I wanted you when you were openly dating someone else.” Mary shook her head. “I don’t think you would have reacted well and I don’t think that would have been our great fix.”  
“Maybe not, but maybe we should have just told each other how we felt instead of trying to just find the right time or way for the relationship to work?” Matthew sighed, his shoulder’s relaxing as Olivia closed her eyes. “Maybe we should have just trusted each other with how we felt. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to move on so quickly just to get over you.”  
“We both did things we wouldn’t have, given the chance to live life again.” Mary sighed, staring blankly at the wall. “Except now we can’t go back.”  
“Which means if Lavinia hadn’t died, if I had dated someone else or Carlisle never existed….” Matthew started.   
“None of that matters.” Mary said softly. “We did it to ourselves. We caused the time away; we’re why we weren’t together. I’m why Carlisle did what he did”  
“We both made mistakes, but you’ll never be the reason that Carlisle hurt you or nearly killed you and Olivia.” Matthew leaned forward, grabbing her arm, but not too hard. “Mary, we made mistakes, but that isn’t one of them. That happened to you, but you did nothing to cause it. I will never hold you responsible for that and nobody else will either.  
“Olivia could have been gone that day.” Mary’s voice shook. “I could have died without ever experiencing what it was like to live a life in love with you. Together.”  
“But you didn’t.” Matthew smiled weakly, lowering Olivia. “And this little wonder. This unexpected piece of that mess is the best thing that ever happened to us. She was unexpected, not a part of our plan or the life we envisioned and we wouldn’t change a thing about her. I didn’t know my first baby wouldn’t have my blood; I wouldn’t trade a thing about her.”  
“I hate admitting that the first moment I found out I was pregnant; I didn’t want a baby and I wished it wasn’t real. Not because I never wanted to be a mother, I did. Except that I didn’t feel like it was a healthy environment to bring a baby.” Mary explained, wiping away tears. “Then I felt like I wanted to protect her. Get her out of his grasp.”  
“You did your best and now she’s safe. She’s alive and she’s safe.” Matthew breathed, pressing a kiss to Olivia’s cheek. “And she’s the best.”  
“She is.” Mary breathed, her chest still feeling heavy but she knew they had taken a huge step in this long conversation. “I’m glad she’s here now and I am glad she’s ours.”  
“Even if we lost time together.” Matthew sighed, his own eyes sad, but still showing a bit of relief. “We don’t get that time back, there is no alternate world. There is no chance to do it again or know what would have happened if Lavinia had lived, but to counter that. We have Olivia.”  
“And that means we have to accept that past.” Mary looked at him, then her eyes looking down at the tiny baby in his arms. “I have to accept that you don’t know what life would be like if the waves had been different. That I could have spoken up or left him or taken control of my feelings.”  
“We both have to accept the past.” Matthew’s hand moved over hers, squeezing it lightly. “Because a different past, means a different now. I don’t want different anymore. I want you and I want Olivia.”  
“I don’t want different either.” Mary smiled weakly, knowing that therapy would cause arguments in the future and that there were steps to take, but today felt like the steps had been huge. Dr. Brinley didn’t want them to actually come up with an answer, she wanted to them to talk it out and realize that the past would have only changed what they had now. Olivia wouldn’t exist and while she never wanted to experience the things that she had; she wouldn’t change Olivia. She knew now what her mother meant by saying she wouldn’t have changed a thing, to get her granddaughter. It never meant she wanted her daughter to suffer, it just meant she loved her granddaughter. Mary didn’t want to have ever lived her life with Carlisle or without Matthew for all that time, but to not have Olivia and the life she had now? She couldn’t stomach it. No Olivia would mean an emptiness in her heart. A void that could never be filled and it would hurt more to never knew what that void was. She loved Matthew and that meant acknowledging that she could have done some things differently, but understanding that the past couldn’t be changed.


	71. Chapter 71

Matthew was trying to be better at a lot of things. He wanted to be a more understanding fiancé, a better father and an overall more aware partner. It wasn’t that he was bad at it or completely oblivious, but he wanted to be more aware for Mary. To fully evaluate her when she wasn’t catching on to how tired she was. They had been to one therapy session since the day they left fighting and it had gone much better. Dr. Brinley advised them that they had done a good job talking out their first issue about if Lavinia had not died. She said it showed that they were capable of talking it out and that they reached the right conclusion for them. That had been a relief. Except she had also told them that there was no ‘true’ right or wrong answer. They had to reach a right answer for them and that they did. Now, they were kind of back into a normal routine and had another week before they would have to head back to a therapy appointment. A part of him wanted to just promise to be better so that they could stop going, but he knew the therapy was important to Mary. He knew it wasn’t just him, that two people have to promise to be better. It wasn’t even like they were terrible to each other, but they just wanted to be the best versions of themselves. For each other and for Olivia. So, one thing Matthew knew he could do, was continue to try and help Mary as much as he could. In return, Mary had become much more relaxed and he was starting to see the woman that he fell in love with when he was young. Sometimes it was just little glances of that woman, before the woman Carlisle developed would show up. Mary would get quiet, shy and a but submissive. Always nodding along with his suggestions, apologizing for the smallest of unnecessary reasons or trying to rush to quiet Olivia if she cried while he was sleeping. He always tried to tell her that it was perfectly fine for Olivia to cry and he didn’t mind waking up with her too. He was her father.  
So right now, he was letting Mary sleep while he held Olivia close, bouncing her around their bedroom. The little one had begun to stir, but not cry. He her up, pressing a soft kiss on her head, before pacing around the room. He loved her so much and there was a part of him that had been faced with the idea of having to lose her. Mary had wanted to leave, but thankfully it was almost as if she had backed out. He wasn’t sure if it was, because she felt like it was too harsh or she felt like she needed him, but Matthew was glad that Mary had stayed. Losing Mary and Olivia would kill him. He knew that Maybe not literally, but his heart would break. He loved these two so much and as he thought about it, it was like Olivia wanted to pull him out of that mindset. She let out a gurgle and he couldn’t help but laugh, looking over as Mary shifted to her other side. He reached for a small floral blanket, before walking out of the room and closing the door behind him. He was going to let Mary sleep for a bit longer, instead walking downstairs and into their open kitchen. Olivia’s diaper had been changed immediately after waking up and he likely had time before she would need to be fed. So, he would try to entertain her a bit longer, before taking her up to Mary. He smiled as Olivia stretched, her little features starting to become a bit defined. Still, most of all he loved her skinny log legs that reminded him of Mary. Olivia was tiny, but her legs were the biggest part about her and he smiled every time he saw her kick them around. As he sat her in the black and white baby bouncer that she loved, he pressed another kiss to her cheek, grateful that he didn’t have to know a life without her. Since Olivia’s legs were exposed in her onesie, he tucked the little soft floral blanket on her legs, before turning the bouncer on. He chuckled as Olivia stretched and let out a bit yawn, her mouth opening big.   
“I can’t sleep when you two leave me.” Mary’s tired voice entered the room and Matthew looked up to see her walking barefoot into the living area, wearing a bra, panties and her robe. “Was she getting fussy?”  
“No. Not at all.” Matthew couldn’t help but smile as she moved down to the floor, her arms moving around him from behind and her chin moved to rest on his shoulder. “Whenever I try to let you sleep, you make your way right to us.”  
“I can’t sleep without you.” She kissed his shoulder, before moving to sit beside him. “Or you Lady Olivia.”  
“Lady Olivia.” Matthew laughed, reaching for Mary’s arm. “I thought only Robert was calling her that.”  
“It just sounds cute.” Mary giggled, leaning against him. “More complimenting then Squeaks.”  
“I like calling her Squeaks.” Matthew frowned. “She squeaks…it fits perfectly.”  
“Okay…” Mary said sympathetically, before looking back at Olivia. “I’m reminded of how small she is when I see other babies. She’s a few months old but I saw a baby born three days after her in town when I was walking with Anna, and Olivia didn’t compare in size.”  
“Our healthy but tiny girl.” Matthew chuckled, as Olivia’ slept, rocking in front of them.   
“And quite brave.” Mary breathed, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.   
“Very brave.” Matthew smile, remembering all of those days in the hospital. The days that turned into nights, looking at the little child in front of them attached to wires and machines, sometimes not even being able to hold their little one. “And you were amazing the entire time.”  
“I cried a lot.” Mary replied, with a little bit of shame in her voice.   
“You did good.” Matthew whispered, before pressing a soft kiss to the side of her head. He had wanted to talk to her about something. Something that had bothered him and something that they knew they needed to discuss. “And she adores you.”  
“Mmm…she’s quite fond of you too.” Mary wrapped her arm around him, resting her head again on his shoulder. “If I didn’t have her food source, I might think she likes you more.”  
“Well you do have one up on me.” Matthew laughed, his face looking up at hers. She smiled lightly, before pressing her lips into his and he smiled. Her mouth tasted like fresh breath and he knew she had tossed on the robe and brushed her teeth, perhaps even run a brush through her hair before she came downstairs. “You know, I know the bra is just how you fell asleep last night to make feeding Olivia overnight easier, but I happen to like you walking around here like this.”  
“Shall I start just walking around the house in my underwear?” Mary laughed, pressing her lips into his again.   
“It would make your online shopping bill lower.” Matthew smirked.   
“I am not that bad.” Mary giggled, moving onto his lap, wrapping her long legs around his waist and he smiled, sliding his hands along her side. “The last shipment was all stuff for you and Olivia.”  
“And that very slinky piece of lace that isn’t capable of covering up any body part?” Matthew asked, referring to a green piece of lingerie that had ended up in his stash of new clothes to put away.   
“That was for you.” Mary laughed infectiously, her hands moving to his hair. “Very much for you, in fact.”  
“I doubt it will fit.” He teased, his hands moving up to her breasts. “My hips are too big.”  
“Oh, you’re a funny man. Maybe I will try it.” Mary shrugged, before placing her head in his chest and kissing softly. “Can you just stay home with us forever?”  
“It would be nice.” Matthew admitted, giving into his urge to push the lace of her bra down a bit. He bit his lip, shaking his head a bit as the dark pink of her skin was exposed. “God…”  
“Will you stay home today, if I promise to get naked with you?” She asked, pushing the silk robe off her shoulders. “Put Olivia down for her morning nap…take our clothes off…”  
“Mary…” Matthew groaned, pressing a soft kiss over her collarbone. He wanted her, but he also knew she needed to clear other things up, one important thing. Except she was moving her hips over him and making it very difficult to think clearly. They hadn’t been intimate in far too long and that was an issue, except they needed to keep talking. “We can’t…”  
“Matthew, I am not one to be super forward with my talk, but I am really in the mood.” Mary relayed and raised her eyebrows, moving her hands to his shoulders.   
“We need to talk first.” Matthew replied, raising his hands in front of her. He kept his hands back and she groaned, unwrapping herself and moving to sit beside him. “I…believe me I want you. Actually, I need you, but…”  
“I am all for talking, but in this case, I think we should talk later.” Mary groaned. She leaned forward, pressing her lips to his shoulder as Olivia began to stir and her head fell to her chest. “Fine…we can talk.”  
“See, even Olivia agrees. Her parents should talk again.” Matthew replied, moving to his knees to lift Olivia out of the bouncer and hand her to Mary, surely to have her fed.   
“Alright, what shall your daddy and I talk about, Olivia?” Mary asked, cradling the baby girl in her arms.   
“Probably why you always threaten to pack and go when we disagree.” Matthew felt himself blurt out, even feeling a bit regretful as he said it. “Why I have to worry that one day, you’ll get too upset and take Olivia away from me?”  
“What?” Mary said and he thought her face lost any color it had in it. “I’m not going to take her from you.”  
“Mary, every time we fight, you’ve made this threat to pack your bags and both times I have convinced you to stay or you decide to just stay ‘for now.’” Matthew replied, his eyes feeling sad as he tried to take her hand. “I know we have smaller things to work out, but I need to know one day you’re not going to get up and leave. She’s my child too now and I just want to know that you’re not going to leave. I want her to grow up with two loving parents, not two parents who constantly can’t work their business out.”  
“I’m sorry.” Mary looked down at Olivia, before pushing her own hair behind her ears. Almost as if she was accepting of what he was saying. She didn’t protest, she just sat there and nodded quietly. “It isn’t exactly what you think.”  
“Mary, I don’t want to fight about this. I don’t think I could.” Matthew felt himself plead with her as he explained, his eyes focused on Olivia’s small toes. “But you can’t just up and move out or take Olivia now. We’re a family.”  
“I know.” She sighed, looking up at him, her eyes sad. “I never have…I don’t mean to do it. Or maybe I do, but it’s not for the reason you think.”  
“It’s not to leave me?” Matthew asked, his eyes wide. “Taking Olivia and leaving?”  
“No.” Mary sighed, looking down at Olivia before looking up, almost bravely. “I mean it was, but only because I couldn’t let you ever leave us first. Not to protect my heart, but to protect hers.”  
“So, leaving me first, meant it wouldn’t hurt to lose me if I left.” Matthew understood, not that it didn’t still hurt, but to hear her say it made it better. “If you left first, you can’t feel the pain of being walked out on.”  
“It means never having to see the pain of someone walking out on Olivia…her being in pain.” Mary admitted. “I…I’ve experienced pain. Some of the worst. I get that. I couldn’t ever let that happen to her. So, when things go bad, I panic. I know it’s wrong.”  
“Mary, you don’t have to panic about me leaving.” Matthew sighed, wondering when it would stick that he wasn’t leaving. A part of him realized that this is something that might take longer than just the past year to get over. In moments like this, she was showing her wounds. The ones where she carried so much weight of her past, she wasn’t sure how to handle the future. She had no idea what a healthy relationship was or that she was even in one. She just knew fighting and to her, protecting Olivia was the key now. She wasn’t worried about herself and he knew she was fully aware he would never physically hurt her. He trusted that much. Except, what he hadn’t realized was that she hadn’t been through fights as a couple and she certainly hadn’t quite figured it out. To be fair, he hadn’t really either. “Even when we have our worst fight, I’m not leaving. We may need space at times, but on my end…I’m not going anywhere.”  
“I know.” Mary said softly, almost looking a bit sheepish. “I don’t mean to panic. We argue and all I can think of is that I have to protect her.”  
“From who?” Matthew asked, truly wondering but also knowing there would be moments, possibly forever, where Mary could find herself afraid.  
“Not you…” She sighed, shaking her head in shame. “I know it’s not you. I know she’s safe and I know you and I can work it out. Deep down I do, but when we fight, I get this urge. This panic that makes me think things will go wrong. I know we’re safe here. I know this is forever, but in those moments, I get scared that we’ll fight and you’ll be so enraged that…”  
“I’ll hit you.” Matthew whispered.   
“No.” Mary said quickly, looking up at him with red and swollen eyes. “That we’ll reach the one thing we can’t work through and then you’re gone…and she’ll lose her father.”  
“And you can’t fathom what would happen to Olivia if we fell apart.” Matthew breathed, running his hands through his hair as he realized it made sense. Her only big fights, had ended with him leaving or Carlisle putting his fist into her body. “Mary, couples fight. You and I…we’re going to fight. We’re going to have arguments that are ten times bigger than this.”  
“And I know that.” Mary began to cry. “I do. Deep down I know that, but then there is that moment where I worry, I’ll be so stupid that you’ll wake up and realize…”  
“I am not Richard Carlisle.”  
“I know.” She cried.   
“Mary.” Matthew grabbed her face, pressing his nose to hers. “I’m not him. I will never intentionally make you feel dumb, stupid or hurt you in any way. I won’t hurt her in any way. I know you know I won’t physically…. but mentally…emotionally…I am not him.”  
“You have to show up.” Mary said quickly, his hands falling from her face. “Just always show up for her. Being her father means showing up. If work runs late and she’s waiting for you, work stops. You show up for her. For me and her. I will show up too, but you have to show up. No matter how much you ha…no matter how mad you are at me.”  
“I will.” Matthew frowned, reaching for Olivia’s small toes. “Mary, I promise you. I will always show up, for the both of you. I may mess things up at times and you might too, but I’ll show up. You just have to promise to as well.”   
“I will.” Mary breathed, wiping at her eyes as Olivia looked up at them. “But I’ve never had a fight with someone where it ends up…alright. Until you, but it doesn’t happen often and it sends me into a panic.”  
“It makes more sense to me than you think it does.” Matthew replied, kissing her head. “She’s my little girl….and you’re the love of my life.”  
“I’m trying.” She whispered, rocking Olivia slightly as they sat on the floor. “I really am.”  
“I know.” Matthew smiled, taking Mary’s hand and kissing it. He knew she was and he knew she just needed his patience. He hoped she wouldn’t try to leave again, now that they had talked and she knew it upset him. They both were making a solid effort to be better and he knew she needed him to show up. She needed him to show that they could fight, yell and be angry and that it wouldn’t change the foundation that their love was built on. He wished she would lose the ability to fear that something could destroy them, but he also knew it just meant that they had to work ten times harder when times did get tough. One day they would fight and she would do it so casually and with confidence. She would keep him on his toes just as the Mary he knew would. One day the damage Carlisle had done would be hard to spot, but for now they would make progress. He just knew it meant they had to show up, keep fighting and keep loving the most they could. But most importantly, she never had to worry about Olivia. Olivia had a father and it was Matthew. Matthew was going to always show up for his little girl. Olivia would grow up knowing, nobody loved her more than her father except maybe her mother.


	72. Chapter 72

Mary knew that fighting was good for a relationship and she knew not all fights would be big fights, but right now she wasn’t sure what kind of fight she was in. They had just left therapy and picked Olivia up from her mother and they were just getting home as Matthew pulled onto the long street they lived on. Therapy hadn’t felt as instance as past appointments, but from the moment the doors closed to the office and on their entire drive, they had fought. About small things. Stupid things and Dr. Brinley had encouraged it, by having them list the top things that bothered each other. Both of their lists had been filled with little annoyances and pet peeves that had resulted in them arguing the entire drive home. Now, they were trying not to shout as Olivia slept in her little car seat just behind Matthew’s driver’s seat. Mary and Matthew exchanged looks and Matthew let out a deep sigh. He was mad and she was too. After their talk the week before, she knew she didn’t want to leave and quite frankly, these issues didn’t raise the feelings of needing to leave. Still, she hated that they were fighting. It seemed like the last few weeks of their relationship had been filled with tears, tension and a tremendous amount of focus on their little girl. Olivia was everything to them. She was like the rainbow after the rain in a lot of ways and sometimes fighting, was all for her. It meant maybe they would get over some key issues they were having by the time that she was old enough to recognize what they were fighting about. Their baby was still only a few month’s old and while she was tiny, she was already becoming more aware of the world around her. Her fascination with lights or the mobile above her cradle was a sign that she was growing. She was starting to recognize her own name and even spending more time on her stomach. These were things that Mary never knew she could care so much about, except every single milestone that Olivia made resulted in documenting it in a baby book and snapping at least a dozen pictures on her phone. Matthew’s phone probably had just as many, if not a little more. They were filled with so much love for this baby and while tense, it was clear they were madly in love with each other. So, fighting like this was okay, it was for them and it was for Olivia. So, she was going to try and disregard the fact that she simply wanted to smack him. There was no other way to say it. He as doing something much like annoying her and she was sure she was doing the same. They had gotten quiet once Olivia was in the car, but now it was just clear they were angry with each other. His lips were pierced together and she could feel her teeth grinding in irritation. As he lifted Olivia’s car seat out of the car, she pushed the car door shut with a great force and then she heard his voice. “Don’t slam the door, you’ll wake Olivia.”  
“You mean how you do when your phone alarm goes off every morning?” Mary groaned, reaching for her purse and the soft pink designer baby bag from the car. “I just don’t understand why do you need to choose the loudest, most aggressive alarm sound in the world? You’re a light sleeper.”  
“Oh, not about the alarm again.” Matthew groaned, unlocking the door to their home. “Why don’t you get mad about the toilet seat again?”  
“Okay fine! Why can’t you remember to put the lid down? When I go to the restroom in the middle of the night the last thing I want to do is nearly fall into the toilet. Or we could talk about how you don’t put your clothes in the hamper after wearing them but instead you toss your clothes on the floor right beside it.” Mary stomped up the front steps as they both walked inside. “It might be important since you decided to use our appointment to air all of your grievances about me.”  
“She asked me if I had any pet peeves about you.” Matthew replied as Mary followed him into the living room. “She asked you the same before she asked me and you only listed that I don’t put my laundry away.”  
“Well I would have listed more had I known that you were going to have a list a day long.” Mary fought the urge to shout as Matthew put Olivia into her little swing that always helped her stay sleeping when they brought her in from the car. “You just got started and didn’t stop for like twenty minutes.”  
“It wasn’t twenty minutes.” Matthew laughed, shaking his head as he adjusted Olivia’s blanket. “And you made up for it listing everything that irritates you about me on the ride home.”  
“What is so bad about my water drinking habits that you got so worked up?” Mary crossed her arms, wondering why her drinking water was a pet peeve.   
“I don’t care if you drink water, but you have a million water bottles and glasses around the house.” Matthew scoffed. “I mean, really? Why?”  
“They aren’t all over the house.” Mary rolled her eyes. “And it doesn’t count if you take drinks out of my cups sometimes.”  
“It does count.” Matthew rolled his eyes, before walking away from Olivia. “Besides, what about the other messes you make? Why must your makeup and hair products be all over the bathroom? The counter gets sticky.”  
“I get ready after you’ve left for work most days and it’s cleaned up by the time you get home.” Mary crossed her arms. It was true.   
“Yeah, but if I come home at lunch time or I am home on the weekends, I am constantly knocking over something.” Matthew almost shouted, looking over at Olivia before lowering his voice. “Can we at least fight about this in my office, so we don’t wake her up?”  
“Grab the baby monitor.” Mary gestured, turning and storming down the wooden floor lined hallway. She didn’t even wait for him as she pushed the door to his office open. It was rare that they left Olivia unattended, but thankfully Matthew had set up a few baby monitor’s where they could see Olivia on the hand held device they could carry into another room.   
“Well, I have the monitor on but since someone didn’t put it back on the charging base, not sure how long we have.” Matthew stepped into the office., pushing the door shut behind him.   
“Oh, it wasn’t me.” Mary turned around quickly, holding her hand in front of him. “Why do you assume it was me? If I can recall, you’re the one that used it yesterday when I went to yoga with Anna and when I asked you why you had the monitor on, it was so that you could do a load of laundry while Olivia was sleeping which by the way…you left in the washer so that when I opened it this morning it smelled horrid.”  
“That was an accident!” Matthew shouted. “Not like how you leave your hair in the drain.”  
“Oh, I don’t purposely leave my hair in the drain. I don’t even realize my hair comes out that much.” Mary shouted right back, leaning into his desk. “Of all the annoying things you do, the toilet seat is the worst. Imagine if we are potty training Olivia and she just falls right in.”  
“She’s not going to fall in if you’re watching her.” Matthew rolled his eyes, before running his hand through his hair. It was clear that he was pissed off and so was she.  
“If I am watching her?” Mary glared, knowing he knew better and that she wasn’t going to leave her to her own devices. “Yes, I’m just going to leave her to potty train herself. She can’t even roll over or crawl, but yes, she will potty train herself one day. Maybe tomorrow. We’ll just stop that last order for diapers.”  
“Oh, come on.” Matthew threw his hands, turning towards the wall before looking back at her. “You know what I mean.”  
“Ass.” Mary said under her breath as she stayed against the desk, her hair falling in her face. They both were irritated after today’s session, picking on each word the other had said.   
“What?”  
“You’re an ass!” Mary said loudly, her voice shaking just a bit. She couldn’t tell if it was from being so angry that she felt the urge to cry from the irritation she felt or the hate she felt about fighting. Matthew had a smirk on his face almost as if he just wanted to get her worked up more and she felt herself wanting to tell him off. “A jerk and….”  
“Shut up.” Matthew suddenly smiled, his hands resting on his hips.  
“Don’t tell me to shut up.” Mary looked over at him, shocked to see his smile growing. It was like he found this to be some sort of joke. “This isn’t funny.”  
“I’m sorry I leave the seat up sometimes.” Matthew replied, taking one step forward.   
“Sometimes? Most of the time.” Mary groaned as he took another step. “What are you doing?”  
“I’m going to come kiss you.” Matthew smirked, stopping in his tracks.   
“No!” Mary put her hand up. “You can’t just suddenly end an argument by kissing me.”  
“Why not?” He frowned, stepping until he was directly in front of her body.   
“Because that’s not how we solve this.” She replied, inching her head back as Matthew pushed a strand of hair behind her ears. “And because you told me to shut up. I didn’t appreciate that.”  
“I’m sorry I told you to shut up.” He moved his hand to the desk, almost leaning against her. “You’re just so enticing.”  
“Matthew, we’re fighting.” She said, nodding firmly as he pushed more hair behind her ears. “You can’t just try and romance me.”  
“Why not?” He asked again, moving his lips to her neck and pressing a soft kiss against her soft skin.   
“Because, I’m mad.” Mary breathed, her eyes closing for a split second as she squeezed his arm. “You said I chat too much when you’re trying to work, that I distract you sometimes and make your work go longer.”  
“I love when you’re chatty.” Matthew said quickly, his arm moving to her waist.   
“You said you didn’t…” Mary groaned turning her lips to his for just a moment, before regaining her thoughts and pulling her lips away. “You said sometimes I just keep talking and…”  
“I was worked up.” Matthew reached for her face, placing her lips back on his and her hand moved to his chest before dropping it. She needed to keep her composure. “I could listen to you all the time.”  
“You’re annoying.”  
“So are you.” He replied, reaching for the hem of her cotton skirt, his hand moving along her leg and she shivered ever so lightly. “Still want to fight?”  
“Yes…” She insisted, her hand moving to his hair. “Don’t kiss my neck….”  
“Why?” He asked, trailing kisses below her ear as he pushed her skirt up higher.   
“You can’t…I won’t be able to think straight.” Mary slid her hand down his chest, before moving both to the desk behind her. “I…do all of those things really make you mad?”  
“Yes….do all of the things I do make you mad?” He asked, pulling the fabric over her body and tossing her gray cotton dress on the floor.   
“You just toss clothes on the floor, like you don’t need to do anything with them.” Mary groaned, her lips moving back to his.   
“Want me to get them now?” He asked, his hands moving to her breasts.   
“Yes…” She moaned, lightly hitting his arm.   
“Right now?” He asked, pushing her bra straps down.   
“No….” She breathed, wrapping her leg around him as she pushed the pens on the desk behind her out of the way. “I…”  
“What?” He smiled against her lips, her body finally giving into him and then she let him lift her onto the desk.   
“Is Olivia still sleeping?” Mary asked, her fingers working furiously to unbutton his shirt and she realized that she was now joining him, pushing the fabric off of his arms.   
“Uh…yeah…” Matthew looked over at the monitor again, before moving his head between her breasts. “Good, that’s good.” Mary nodded, her head falling back as Matthew kissed from her chest, up to her neck. “I just…do you think we should…. while she’s….”  
“Too long.” He said, slamming his lips into hers. “Birth control?”  
“Breastfeeding.” She replied as he pushed his pants down to his feet and she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Full time. Decreases the chances.”  
“Perfect.” Matthew used his thumbs to massage her breasts, and she let out a loud gasp. “God, I need you right now…”  
“I need you too…” She moaned against his lips and he slid himself into her. His entire length sent shivers down her spine and she knew she was losing the ability to think about anything other than him. Not about his wet towels or dirty clothes on the floor, not about him leaving the toilet seat up of the way he sometimes ate the ice from his cup. None of those things mattered. They silly and petty arguments that didn’t have any major importance in their life. Sure, they would annoy each other and likely argue over these things in the future, but he was making love to her and he had slowed down. His quick movement has become soft, gentle strokes and her body was filling with anticipation and after what felt like an eternity, she needed it. They hadn’t been fully intimate together since before Olivia had been born. Olivia was a little over three months’ old and she never wanted to let that much time pass again. It was clear that their home was filled with love, but they hadn’t paid much attention to each other physically. Other than moments of trying to find intimacy and failing miserably, they had been passing each other almost as if they were strangers to intimacy. She just wanted to soak up what it felt like to have him make love to her and never go this long without their bodies being naked together again.


	73. Chapter 73

As Matthew kept his body close to Mary’s, he wondered how they had gone so long without being so intimate together. Not that sex was all that a relationship needed to be successful, but he felt like it was making their issues worse. There was no other way to channel their energy and their relationship had only known intimacy while she was pregnant. Now, they had a beautiful baby girl and they needed to rediscover each other. He needed to get to know her body all over again and she deserved to have every inch of her body treated with such dedication. After they had finished in his office, they dressed and Olivia woke up. They had snuck in tender kisses, but taken care of some things around the house, played with Olivia who was discovering her hands and starting to smile constantly. Now, hours later, Olivia was sleeping in her cradle next to Mary’s side of the bed and he had just made love to Mary for the second time that day. Olivia would be up again soon for her first feeding of the night, but for now he was going to run his fingers through Mary’s dark hair and kiss her bare shoulder, admiring each freckle. She was perfect. He knew her body was different. It wasn’t the same as before she had a baby, but he couldn’t see much difference. He just heard her complain that her boobs were bigger and that she had one stretch mark on her thigh that he had to really examine to even see. It didn’t matter. He loved it and her being a loving mother only made him love her more. The way she smiled and talked to Olivia filled him with a joy unlike any other he had experienced. She was an amazing mother, a strong woman and loving partner. They fought over stupid stuff, but there was nobody else he wanted to fight about those things with. Even if they yelled until they were blue in the face, he only wanted to have those fights with her. Too many cups of water around the house, hair in the drain, and makeup left on counters didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. What mattered was that at the end of the day, he had Mary and Olivia. They were going to be an official family soon. Not that Olivia didn’t make it seem like they already were, but he was ready to make it official with Mary. Soon.   
Olivia had become so much more responsive in the past few weeks, but it seemed they were truly able to enjoy it now. Their little girl loved when he would press a kiss to her belly or when she would wake up and spot Mary. Having a small baby was nothing short of magical. The little changes in her face had become something he loved to study and she looked so much like her mother and grandmother. Each day, they would notice something knew, but always laughed at how little she was. The doctors were blown away by how well she was doing, for being so behind in weight. She was growing, but behind due to being born so early. As he pressed a kiss to Mary’s shoulder, she shifted slightly in the bed. “Hmm…is Olivia still sleeping?”  
“She is.” Matthew smiled, pushing her hair away from her eyes. He looked over at the cradle, seeing the baby stir just a bit. “Although your timing might be perfect, she’s beginning to wake.”  
“I read an article today, that said I need to wean her off immediately, because otherwise she may be too clingy when we’re trying to leave her with someone else.” Mary said, her eyes still closed. “I don’t know that I agree. She’s very little.”  
“I think you will know what is best for you and Olivia.” Matthew replied, his lips moving to her cheek. “And I don’t think it’s time. I think she’s still little and you’re doing what is right for her. It’s been working just fine and it makes you happy.”  
“And it doesn’t bother you? You don’t think I should quit?” Mary asked, stifling a yawn. “It doesn’t get in the way of our relationship?”  
“Absolutely not.” Matthew sighed, looking over at the cradle as he saw little arms move, but sometimes Olivia would fall asleep. “We don’t need an opinionated columnist to tell us what is the right move for our baby. Olivia is still a small baby; you don’t even need to consider making changes until you feel it’s the right time.”  
“Good.” Mary said confidently. “I just want to do what is right for her.”  
“I know.” Matthew smiled as they heard Olivia let out a tiny sigh, almost to warn them that if they didn’t pick her up soon, she may let out a loud cry. “I do think when we can get her to sleep throughout the night, we should move her to her nursery.”  
“Hmm…” Mary bit her lip before letting out a weak giggle. “I’m not quite sure I’m ready to think about it. It seems so sad.”  
“It does.” Matthew chuckled in agreement, knowing very well that he would miss their little one when she was a bit bigger and in her own room. They had grown so used to having her right there with them, cuddling her throughout the night and feeling that they had a bit of a piece of mind as new parents. “We have time. I doubt she’s looking to sleep through the night anytime soon. She’d miss the attention too much.”   
“Get my baby.” Mary rolled her eyes, nudging her foot into his leg. “Get my baby.”  
“Oh, fine.” Matthew laughed as Olivia began to cry. Olivia was still waking up two to three times a night, often needing to be fed at least once, changed and was sometimes just awake looking at her parents. He loved the light eyes that managed to greet him as moved to stand over her cradle. The fussy baby was lightly kicking her legs as he looked up at him. He took a deep breath, sliding his hands under the little baby, lifting her and immediately kissing her cheek. “Olivia…you’re so cute, that I don’t mind you preventing us from experiencing a full night of rest.”  
“I don’t mind at all.” Mary beamed, raising her hands to take Olivia into her arms. Matthew smiled as Mary took the baby into her arms, nuzzling her nose in the baby’s neck. “My sweet darling…”  
“How is it that someone so small can make two grown up people, so happy?” Matthew asked, his heart softening as he watched Mary lift her baby in front of her, smiling as Olivia let out a huge yawn. She always got sleepy again, right before Mary would feed her and they often joked that she spent all of her energy being hungry.  
“I don’t know.” Mary giggled tiredly, before lowering Olivia to her side, attaching her to her breast. Unlike their struggles in the beginning, Olivia now latched like a champ. “Hmm…I think I have a while before I have to worry, she’s too big to feed or sleep with me.”  
“You do, but we should get out of the habit of letting her sleep in the bed with us.” Matthew sighed, knowing that after her first or second time waking up during the night, they would often fall asleep with her in the bed, between them. “I don’t want to roll over on her or for her to fall off the bed somehow.”  
“I know.” Mary sighed with disappointment, running her hand over Olivia’s dark hair. “I never thought I would be that mother that wanted to have my baby with me at all times, who would obsess over feeding or being with her, but you and her…you two consume me. I don’t actually know where I end and you two begin. It’s quite funny actually.”  
“It’s quite odd to imagine that one day, she’ll be the big sister.” Matthew admitted, looking at the small baby feet resting on Mary’s lap.   
“It is odd.” Mary breathed, looking up at him. “She’s too tiny to be a big sister. She’s a baby.”  
“She is now, but it might be good for us to have an idea of when we want to have number two.” Matthew said slowly, his own nerves creeping up as he thought about it. It wasn’t that he was worried about how she would respond, but there was an excitement, nervousness and sadness that crept up. Excitement, because he loved being a father, nervousness, because it was a huge step and a sadness to think that Olivia wouldn’t be their only one at some point. While it would be a happy thing, it was bittersweet to think that their first would one day have to share them. “Do you have an idea?”  
“Well I thought maybe when she’s a year...or maybe closer to two years old…” Mary replied thoughtfully. “I would like them to be close, but not too close. I don’t want to rush Olivia out of being a baby either.”  
“No, she deserves to have us to herself for at least the first year.” Matthew nodded. “What about if we hold off any discussion until after she’s a year old? We can get through her first birthday, then make a decision on if we want to start trying then or wait a few months.”  
“Start trying.” Mary giggled, moving a hand over her faced.   
“What?” Matthew laughed, pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder. “Why is that funny?”  
“This one wasn’t created with much thought; I was fulfilling my duty. I didn’t know I wanted her, because I didn’t imagine ever having her. I thought…it doesn’t matter what I thought then.” Mary said, her voice a bit sad. “But now we’re talking about having a baby and planning for it. Putting our little girl to bed and making a baby.”  
“Nobody said it had to be at night when she’s in bed…there is naptime…distractions…the backyard.” Matthew winked, knowing what she meant that Olivia wasn’t created with much thought. He sometimes hated to think about the idea that he had no role in creating her, but it wasn’t something they paid much attention to. His bond with Olivia was strong and it had more to do with him being there for her. Nobody in their lives looked at it as him being a step-father, he was the proud daddy to a beautiful little girl. “Whenever we decide to start trying, we’re going to make it fun. We’re not going to stress; we’re just going to go at it.”  
“Go at it?” Mary laughed, leaning her head into his shoulder. “I like the idea of having fun and not feeling pressured. I don’t want life to be stressful and up in the air as it was before Olivia.”  
“It won’t be.” Matthew was proud to tell her this, letting her know that he was the permanent staple and that their children would be born into stability. He had done the best that he could with Olivia, but the situation had been unusual and then there had been complications with her entry into the world. “Although the only thing that is truly up in the air is how many children we want.”  
“And you know how many you want?” Mary asked, smiling down at Olivia as she adjusted the sleeve around her tiny hands.   
“I would like three or four.” Matthew answered, lifting his hand to push her hair behind her ears, pressing a soft kiss below her cheek. “But it’s negotiable.”  
“Goodness.” Mary looked up, taking a deep breath.   
“Mary, we can see how it goes. It’s ultimately up to you and it’s hard to think about when we’re up all night with one already” Matthew breathed, knowing that it could sound overwhelming to her.   
“I believe my stance on this matter would ultimately surprise you.” Mary replied almost confidently as she lifted Olivia off of her breast.   
“Why is that?” He asked as she handed Olivia to him, before adjusting the blanket over her body. “How many do you want?”  
“I don’t exactly know how many I want.” Mary was thoughtful with her words, talking slowly and carefully. “You see, picking a number is so…official and almost permanent. There is something sad to me about saying two children or even four, because that means one day, we’ll build up to knowing which baby is our last. I like to think one day we’ll welcome a baby and know, that our family is complete. I mean, what if we decide on three, but then one day we wake up and realize we want another?”  
“So, you don’t want to set a number?” Matthew inquired, almost admittedly surprised. She had seemed so weary of talking about babies in the past, but he had never thought too much about what she would want.   
“No.” Mary breathed, leaning forward to kiss Olivia’s cheek as Matthew lightly tapped her back. “Because I know it’s going to get harder, but I think I love this phase.”  
“Even with the lack of sleep?”  
“Especially with the lack of sleep.” Mary giggled, moving to kiss his cheek. “I like the closeness. There is something…I don’t quite know what to make of it. I just like it.”  
“Lady Mary….” Matthew chuckled.   
“What?”  
“You like being a mother.” Matthew announced, returning a kiss to her cheek. “The dirty and all.”  
“I love being Olivia’s mother.” Mary rolled her eyes, running her hand over Olivia’s hair again. “And I think there are a few people who would be stunned to find out Lady Mary changes diapers, gets up for feedings and doesn’t have a nanny.”  
“Do you still wish you had a nanny?” Matthew asked.   
“I…no.” Mary frowned, her head resting on his shoulder. “I think I would miss something. She changes so much all the time and I don’t want anyone else to be here when she walks or eats baby food…. I want to be here for that. And the rest of it, truly isn’t that bad.”  
“I’ll agree.” Matthew nodded, reaching for a soft waffle print cloth to wipe Olivia’s mouth. “It has it’s challenges, but I wouldn’t trade this. She’s the best.”  
“She is.” Mary smiled, taking Olivia’s tiny hand as the baby looked up at her. “You don’t like to sleep, but you’re my favorite person to spend these late hours with….and your father.”  
“Thank you.” Matthew smiled, kissing her cheek as Mary spoke to Olivia Katherine. His world was good. Olivia was exhausting and they had a lot of work to do in their relationship, however he knew one thing was for sure. The last twenty-four hours of their life had taught them that fighting could be good, even if it was over the stupid stuff. They needed to fight to show each other that they were going to show up and that at the end of the night, they could go to bed together. They may annoy each other, stomp and yell, but at the end of the day falling into their bed, falling asleep and being together was the goal. Waking up with their little one made life just better. He wondered what life would be like with more than one child, but he could admit he was nowhere near ready to welcome another at the moment. Olivia required their attention as she should and for the moment she was just enough. They didn’t need to make life decisions today. He loved that Mary wasn’t ready to commit to a small or large family. Her opinion and feelings on the issue was quite sweet and unexpected. One thing that he new for sure, was that she was so happy in her role as mother to Olivia. When it came to Olivia, Mary shined. She was going to be an amazing mother to the rest of her babies, but right now Matthew just wanted to spend the night curled up in bed with his two girls. He could tell Mary was already getting sleeping as she took Olivia and laid her down between them, before curling up next to her. She always just wanted to stare at her little girl and would slowly drift to sleep. He would stay up a bit to move Olivia back to her cradle for Mary to have her moment with the little one. He wasn’t into co-sleeping like Mary was, because he worried about it. But he didn’t mind being their watch dog and their protector. He loved them more than anything in this world.


	74. Chapter 74

Olivia Katherine was the true meaning of small but mighty. Mary was confident that her little girl was the bravest of all. Olivia had started her life with needles, tubes and lights all over her. Now, a few months later, she had gotten a shot in each of her legs. The tiny baby had screamed and cried for about a minute before latching on to Mary and nursing to calm herself down. Now, she was a bit fussy and Mary just wanted to help soothe her. Nursing would only take them so far and Olivia was running a low-grade fever which the doctor said was normal. Matthew was going to have to work late, so her mother had come over to spend the day with her and to help with Olivia. Mary was incredibly grateful for her mother and felt an even stronger bond with her as she become a mother. There were times she found herself going to the big house or calling her mother just to find out what she would do. Whether it be concerning that Olivia wasn’t gaining enough or she thought just the slightest thing might be wrong with Olivia, her mother was there for her. She felt quite lucky and found her parents were far more supportive than she ever thought they could be. Now, Cora was sitting next to her on the porch swing, holding Olivia against her as the baby finally began to drift asleep. Mary couldn’t help but smile as her little baby sucked on her pacifier, her eyes drifting open and closed as she stayed comfortable against her grandmother. Mary leaned over, her fingers lightly running across the baby’s tiny elbow.   
“I remember when you girls were little, wanting to constantly touch you.” Cora’s voice was soft and quiet as she moved her own fingers over Olivia’s other arm. “Look at your little arms. You girls were little, but she’s smaller.”  
“It’s crazy to think she was born so early.” Mary beamed, as Olivia’s mouth opened wide to yawn. “And how far she’s come.”  
“I remember the first day I saw her in the incubator and you were up in your room.” Cora breathed, stroking the little one’s back as the baby fell asleep. “I put my hand on her little bed and I just cried. Cried, because I so excited to know she was finally hear. I cried, because I couldn’t imagine you coming this far and something happening to her. I cried for a million other reasons, but I think mostly because I couldn’t imagine feeling the way I felt about her. People tell you about the love you feel for your children when they’re born, but nobody tells you about when your grandchildren are born. That kind of love…well it’s different and beautiful.”  
“She’s easy to love.” Mary took a deep breath, taken back by her mother’s words, but unable to imagine loving anyone more than she loved her darling Olivia. “Small and mighty.”  
“That she is.” Cora nodded, laughing as Olivia stretched her tiny arms, before resting them on her grandmother’s chest. “Quite small and mighty.”  
“She is getting more aware though.” Mary giggled, leaning against the corner of the swing. “She loves watching Matthew. Whether he’s talking to her or doing anything within her view, she keeps her eyes on him.”  
“She loves him.” Cora smiled, before looking down at her granddaughter. “He’s her father.”  
“He is.” Mary breathed, smiling as she watched her baby sleep. “I spent all this time worrying, what it would be like. I wondered if they would be close or if he would truly love her as his own, but it is just how I would imagine a true father and daughter to be. He comes straight in from work and wants her to himself, he falls asleep on the couch with her on his chest and has her picture as his phone wallpaper.”   
“I know you were worried that he wouldn’t love her as a father, but he’s crazy about Olivia.” Cora said confidently. “She’s going to be a true daddy’s girl.”  
“She already is.” Mary took a deep breath and looked at the missed text from Matthew who coincidentally was checking on their little girl. She picked up her phone, taking a picture of Olivia up close. She sent the picture to him, before sitting it back into her lap. “I can take her if your arms are tired or if you want to do something.”  
“No.” Cora smiled lightly, looking down at her granddaughter. “I love moments like this. I want to hold her. Pretty soon, she’ll be all over the place and these moments will be few and far between. We should all take advantage of them.”  
“She hardly gets put down.” Mary looked around the yard Matthew and Isobel worked so hard to plan. “You’ll find just how spoiled she is when she stays with you on the night, we get married. Be prepared to be up several times.”  
“I don’t mind.” Cora smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of Olivia’s head. “And you’re sure you just want a small ceremony at the courthouse and then close family and the house staff as a part of the reception at the house?”  
“Yes.” Mary nodded firmly, having planned a small group of her mother, father, Tom, Edith, Isobel, Lord Merton, Anna, Mr. Bates, Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes to come to the church before they would head to the big house for a reception. Mary would have planned a bigger wedding if Matthew had really wanted it, but he loved the idea of a small affair. “And I will bring the baby monitor for you to hear if she wakes up during the night.”  
“Maybe for naps, but I will hear her, because she will be sleeping in her cradle with your Papa and I.” Cora replied, immediately putting Mary’s worry at ease. “Your father may be a bit stunned, but she will sleep nearby. We will change her diapers; her dresses and she will be well cared for on your wedding night.”  
“I’m not so sure Papa will enjoy that.” Mary breathed.   
“He will be fine.” Cora reassured her. Reaching for the thing blanket between them to put over Olivia. “And he can sleep in his little dressing room if he doesn’t like it.”  
“Well, at least I know she’ll be in good hands.” Mary moved her hand over her chest, feeling a bit nervous about leaving Olivia overnight. “I’ve never left her overnight.”  
“It will be good for her.” Cora laughed lightly.   
“Maybe for her.” Mary said, filled with excitement and anxiety over her wedding night. “I’m not so sure that I am ready.”  
“You’re never ready for that first night away.” Cora moved her right hand over Mary’s, squeezing it lightly. “Or for when they leave the nest. You’ll worry about her all the time. It’s normal.”  
“I told Matthew that we would need to make sure to pack a bag and he said it made him feel ill just thinking about it.” Mary laughed nervously, feeling the same way. “He doesn’t want her there on her wedding night, but he also doesn’t want to leave her.”  
“I’m sure once you have your wedding, you won’t want a baby there that night.” Cora rolled her eyes. “If anything, it means a night of sleep.”  
“I hope not much.”  
“Mary!” Cora gasped, careful, not to shift Olivia.   
“Sorry.” Mary giggled, looking over at the baby who stayed sleeping during their chat. She was grateful to have a mother who supported her, loved her and quite possibly loved her little girl even more. “Do you think she’s alright? With her little fever?”  
“Darling, you girls used to get fevers from shots.” Cora promised, lifting the blanket to look at the tiny band aids that stayed pressed to Olivia’s thing legs. “If it gets too high, you can call the doctor, but she’s acting just as the doctor said she might.”  
“Alright.” Mary ran her hand over Olivia’s head. Her little one looked exhausted and had been a bit cranky which the doctor said was all normal, but not amount of distractions or lists of normal behavior would make her feel better until Olivia was feeling well again. Deep down she trusted the doctor, but she was going to watch Olivia like a hawk tonight and make sure that she kept her temperature low and monitor it until it was gone completely. Too often a change in temperature had scared her in the hospital, even when it was completely expected. “I hope she likes the estate while she’s growing up. As I did.”  
“You loved it, but you weren’t always in love with being here.” Cora reminded her of her teen years, the years Mary sometimes wished to forget. “You didn’t like the pressure and felt like this was all outdated. It wasn’t until you got older that you were dedicated to the family, then Richard came along.”  
“And I walked away from it all?”  
“No.” Cora smiled, looking up at her. “Richard was intimidated by Matthew. He never would have been able to be here or nearby at Haxby with you and Matthew being as close as you once were.”  
“Whenever I spoke to Matthew or of Matthew, it sent him into a rage even before we were married.” Richard was jealous, that much Mary knew of. It had been an obvious detail that she chose to take as his passion for her, but really it was about losing. He couldn’t stand to lose. “When I came home for the Harvest Festival, it drove him mad.”  
“When was the last time he put his hands on you, prior to you coming?” Cora asked gently and Mary knew she was scared to ask.   
“That morning.” Mary whispered, her cheeks warming. “Not bad. He wasn’t that rough.”  
“It doesn’t matter.” Cora reached for her hand again, smiling weakly. “I don’t know that you suffering was worth all of this. I wouldn’t change Olivia, but you never should have had to endure what you did. You or Olivia. You two never should have been put at risk.”  
“Sometimes I forget she was there, going through some of it with me.” Mary breathed, looking back down at her perfect little girl. “I don’t talk about it much with you, but he…the last few weeks he had been much more aggressive. Everything from dropping candle wax on me, pushing me down the steps or throwing a paper weight. I don’t bring these things up to make anyone feel bad, but she was there. For all of those things.”  
“You could have lost her.”  
“I know.” Mary felt her eyes burn, before Cora tapped her shoulder, urging her to rest her head. Mary complied, moving to rest her head on her mother’s shoulder. She didn’t want to get emotional, but there was something peaceful of being with her mother. “I can’t imagine my life without her.”  
“I can’t imagine my life without you or her.” Cora replied, as they rocked slowly on the back-porch swing. Mary hadn’t put a lot of thought about the times that she was pregnant with Olivia and maybe she didn’t know at the times, but Carlisle had put her life at risk. It wasn’t just about Mary, it was about Olivia and if she had stayed, there never would have been an Olivia Katherine Crawley. Maybe Matthew was always meant to be Olivia’s father and their first child wasn’t meant to come along in a conventional way. Sure, Mary’s life had been in danger for so long, but the perspective that Olivia could have been killed in all of this was the most terrifying. Mary couldn’t really remember being happy before Olivia. She knew she had been, but there was this feeling that it wasn’t a true happy. Babies made things beautiful and if something had happened to Olivia, she would never get to know what this happiness was. She’d never get to see her mother as grandparents or give Matthew the baby girl he loved so much. It was weird to think about the things that had happened and look at the good that was coming from them. She had dreams now, a baby that she couldn’t imagine living without, a fiancé and all with a past. A past that had nearly stopped all of this from every happening.


	75. Chapter 75

Matthew’s day had run much longer than he anticipated. It had been quite some time since a day ran late, but he had called Mary early on to let her know that it was going to be unavoidable. His practice was in the process of gaining two major business clients and he knew he needed to work with his team to prepare to meet with them. After all of the hard work, he was ready to be home with his girls. Every single day that he was at work, he was eager to get home to them. Today, his day had started early and ended late and he just wanted to walk into those doors and scoop Olivia up into his arms. When he parked his car and turned it off, he let out a deep sigh and leaned his head against the headrest of the car. He was reminded that Olivia had kept them up all night, mostly just crying when they put her down. According to Mary, she was going through a transitional phase where she was gaining more weight and developing more awareness. Mary had been reading up constantly to make sure that Olivia was on track, even once freaking out that she hadn’t cut a tooth. It wasn’t until his mother calmed her down that Olivia was just fine and that her lack of teeth coming up when she was so little, was nothing to worry or think about at all. When he locked the car and made his way towards the door, he smiled for a moment. He was about to walk into the house and he was going to turn work off in his mind and switch his thoughts to his family. They were amazing and through therapy, he and Mary were doing better than ever. They still had their ups and downs, but the one thing was certain was that they were in this together. He pushed the door open, his had falling when he heard Olivia crying at the top of her lungs and Mary trying to soothe her. When he came around the corner, Mary was holding Olivia in one arm, stirring a pot on the stove with her other hand. “Hey.”  
“Hi.” Mary looked up, smiling quickly before looking back at the stove. “I am cooking some pasta, but Olivia is quite upset.”  
“What seems to be the problem?” Matthew chuckled, kissing Mary’s cheek, before lifting Olivia from her arms, allowing Mary to fix the strap on her cardigan. “Did your mother do something terrible?”  
“Oh, you know, I put her down.” Mary giggled, reaching for a salt shaker. “She’s been fed, changed and sang to. I put her in the swing and I shall be hung for my crimes.”  
“That’s a shame.” Matthew winked. “You’re so pretty too.”  
“Oh, thank you.” She giggled, clutching his arm for a split second before walking by him and over to the cabinet. “I am just making some stew. I saw a recipe and it looked amazing.”  
“And she cooks, Olivia.” Matthew laughed, kissing Olivia’s cheek, before lightly bouncing her in his arms. She immediately began to calm down, it seemed to become their end of the day ritual. He would come home when she was hitting a fussy moment while Mary tried to get something done and he would pick Olivia up, immediately calming her. “You’re quite needy.”  
“That’s an understatement.” Mary giggled, walking back to the stove top. “I got a good nap today, because she slept on my chest for two hours this afternoon and she slept in the wrap while I did some cleaning.”  
“She likes to be attached to you.” Matthew watched as Mary shook some seasoning into the soup. It still surprised him at times, to come home and find Lady Mary cooking, but she was actually getting quite good at it. It shouldn’t be a surprise though. She was a very determined woman who became dedicated to anything she took on. “I know the feeling.”  
“I was going to try and be attached to you this morning, but you were rushing around this morning.” Mary looked up, winking at him. “  
“I know.” Matthew frowned, leaning forward to press a kiss on the corner of her lips. “I wanted you, but I had to make a meeting.”  
“I know.” She breathed, looking back down at the stove.   
“What’s wrong?” He asked, knowing that look of when she said something and he could tell something bothered her. “Did I leave the loo seat up again? I was in a hurry.”  
“No.” She smiled but not happily. Almost a guilty smile, shaking her head. “I just…we need to take a pregnancy test.”  
“I’m sorry?” Matthew felt his eyes went wide, immediately looking at how little Olivia was.   
“I don’t think it’s anything.” Mary put her hand up, turning the burner off. “I just…I haven’t felt well today and the past week I have been extremely tired. I don’t think I am, but I just want to check. With breastfeeding, there is no way to really track it and well…it isn’t impossible to get pregnant while breastfeeding. I just want to be sure. I’m sure I’m not.”  
“Okay.” Matthew nodded, almost feeling his breath leaving. “Let’s check. Do I need to run to the pharmacy?”  
“No.” Mary bit her lip, before shaking her head. “Olivia and I had a little adventure to the next town. We picked some up.”  
“How did you get there?” Matthew laughed nervously as Olivia let out a huge yawn.  
“We called a taxi.” Mary breathed, stepping forward and pressing a kiss to the wobbly baby’s head. “I said I needed to get a rare lip color that they were selling and our pharmacy didn’t have it.”  
“You’re a riot.” Matthew couldn’t help but laugh, even if he was a little nervous. Olivia was just a baby, still considered new and while they had talked about being careful, they hadn’t been. Ever since they had made up and had sex, they had been going at it non-stop. Any moment they got to themselves, they took advantage. They had relied on the rarity of getting pregnant while she was nursing. He watched as she opened a cabinet, pulling out a box and holding it up. “The tests?”  
“The tests.” Mary giggled, pushing her hair behind her ears. “I bought like six boxes, but the rest are under the sink upstairs.”  
“Well, it’s good to be prepared.” Matthew sighed as Olivia let out a smile, her arm stretching and hitting him in the chin. “Oh, I am sorry Squeaks. I haven’t even asked you how your day was.”  
“You two can catch up, I will take the test.” Mary breathed and he could tell she wasn’t as calm as she seemed. As she opened the box, walking by him, he lightly grabbed her arm and she looked up at him. “What?”  
“It’s okay either way.” He said, before kissing her lightly. “We will be fine regardless.”   
“I know.” She nodded, looking at Olivia and taking a deep breath before disappearing into the bathroom. As she closed the door behind her, Matthew lifted Olivia up, pressing a kiss to her cheek as the baby’s eyes went wide. He moved to sit on the bench outside of the bathroom, the one he had mocked Mary and his mother for picking out, now seemed quite convenient.   
“You’re too little to be a big sister, Squeaks.” Matthew gasped quietly, making faces at Olivia as a small smile tugged at the dark-haired baby’s small lips. He was amazed at how much he saw Mary in Olivia. Her dark hair, her bright eyes and long legs, were the shadow of her beautiful mother. He would love to have all of his children look just like Mary, knowing that there was a chance there would be quite a different physical appearance in their children. Olivia shared DNA with someone else, but that didn’t matter. His little girl was beautiful and she was so loving. Even at almost five months old, her expressions we limited but showed just how much love she had for them. The way Olivia lit up when she saw her mother or when he came home from work, made everything worth it. “What are we going to do if there is another baby? Are you going to help?”  
Matthew held Olivia out in front of him, opening his mouth wide, bringing her forward for a kiss on her cheek and pulling her out again, chuckling as the little one smiled. She always reacted when he would playfully kiss her cheek and it had become one of his favorite moments with her. He kissed her cheek again, before cradling her in his arms as Mary walked out of the bathroom. He took a deep breath, “So?”  
“Three minutes.” Mary sat the test on a table outside in the hallway as Matthew looked back into the kitchen as he remembered that Mary had turned the burner off to the stew. When he had walked in the door, this was not how he had anticipated his night going. Not that it had ruined his night, but it had been unexpected. A small part of him had a knot in his stomach. They were just about to get married; Olivia was still one hundred percent dependent on them and they had been through so much. They deserved some downtime in life’s big events. They deserved the right to be a small family with an uneventful life and it wasn’t something he had realized he wanted to take the time to enjoy until he had been waiting right here with her. “So, we wait.”  
“Alright.” Matthew placed his hand on the bench next to him, urging her to sit. “What made you think pregnant?”  
“It’s not that I thought pregnant, but I have been tired and then I woke up from a short nap after you left and I felt a bit of nausea. I don’t know if I was hungry or not, but still.” Mary sighed, placing her hands on her lap. “I don’t really want it to be positive.”  
“Oh?” Matthew frowned, looking over at her as he hadn’t expected Mary to be so honest. I…it makes sense. I don’t fault you for wanting it to be negative.”  
“You want it to be positive?” Mary asked.   
“No…I don’t know. I kind of want things to be calm for a bit.” Matthew confessed, moving his hand over hers as Olivia looked around. “Not that I wouldn’t be happy.”  
“I’m sure I would be happy, but just a bit thrown off at the moment.” Mary smiled weakly, looking over at Olivia. “She’s too little.”  
“It happens all the time.”  
It does.” Mary agreed with him, looking at her watch. “One minute.”  
“Long minute.” Matthew sighed.  
“We’re not even close to ready for another baby.” Mar spoke suddenly, her hand going up. “I mean, not at all. We just talked about this. We’re getting too confident.”  
“We are.” Matthew nodded. “We have to stop depending on nursing as our only defender. I should have picked up protection when I said I would.”  
“We should have worried more.”  
“Well. We never had to worry before.” Matthew reminded her. “Our birth control was built in.”  
“It was.” Mary sighed, looking at the clock. “Thirty seconds.”  
“Still, we’re not ready.” Matthew repeated, not sure why he did other than he was starting to feel nauseas.   
“There is no way.” Mary’s face grew panicked as her timer counted down. Matthew felt like he was going to be sick, unsure if he wanted to even know what the test said. “Time is up.”  
“Oh God.” Matthew groaned.   
“I’m just going to look.” Mary stood, running her hand through her hair. “I’ll just look and then we’ll know.”  
“Wait.” Matthew reached for her hand, looking down at the Olivia who was starting to doze off. “I love you.”  
“I love you too.” Mary smiled weakly, before pulling her hand away and walking to the counter in the bathroom. Matthew’s heart was pounding as Mary walked out, holding the plastic stick up. “It’s negative.”  
“Thank God.” Matthew jumped up, carefully easing up as Olivia let out a small cry and Mary reached for her.   
“Yes! Thank God.” Mary gasped, grabbing Olivia and kissing her cheeks. “You’re my only baby right now. The only baby I need at the moment.”  
“And you’re a lot of work.” Matthew added, before reaching over to kiss Mary but she quickly pulled away. “What?”  
“No touching.” Mary put her hand up, stepping back with Olivia in her arms. “No looking. No kissing…no touching.  
“Why?” Matthew frowned, stepping back as Mary kissed Olivia’s head.   
“When you buy protection, we can resume normal activity.” Mary laughed, turning and looking into the mirror with Olivia. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched his fiancé make faces in the mirror to try and get their baby to smile.   
“Fine. I will run to the store.” Matthew chuckled, shaking his head.  
“Will you grab wipes while you’re out?” She replied, reaching for a set of the car keys as he followed her back into the kitchen.   
“Oh, I am going now?” Matthew laughed.  
“Matthew, we don’t know when a moment presents itself.” Mary winked, before moving to sit Olivia on the bouncer that she had placed on the kitchen island. “We could use batteries too.”  
“Anything else you need?” Matthew rolled his eyes and reached for the car key’s and slid his wallet into his pocket.   
“I’ll text you.” She laughed, buckling Olivia into the bouncer, before going back to the stove. “Be careful.”   
“I will.” Matthew called back to her, before closing the house door behind him. It was just a simple night and he was tired, but the pharmacy was just up the road and it was a small price to pay. He had not expected to come home to Mary and a pregnancy test. If it had been positive, he would have smiled and been happy. They would have been overwhelmed, but they would have dealt with it. However, it was negative and they got to enjoy Olivia being their only baby for a while longer. She was too tiny to be the oldest anything. She deserved to have her parents to herself until they all were ready to add another member to the family. Besides, Matthew thought maybe he would like to have a dog before he had another two feet to chase around. It made him wonder if they would be ready when Olivia hit a year. He had a feeling when that discussion came around, they would have to put a lot of thought into it, because for three minutes of waiting for a pregnancy text to come up negative, they were silently wishing it would be. Another baby was not in the cards at the moment, which meant they needed to rely on more than just Mary’s body to shut it down from happening. They deserved to have time to just themselves, to continue to build their relationship too. They had work to do and then one day, they would take tests with the prayer that it was positive. Tonight, was a fluke. Mary had felt off and her first instinct was pregnancy. He couldn’t fault her for that, even if it did scare him. So, he would buy the protection and go home and resume his plan to curl up and enjoy his little family.


	76. Chapter 76

Hey guys! Sorry for the delay in posting. This kicks off my last year of school and I have been taking summer courses as well. I have been quite overwhelmed, but well…yeah this isn’t safe for work! You should be over 18 to read ; )

Mary was getting married to Matthew Crawley in two days. It was crazy to think that so much of the recent developments of her life had led her to this point. Olivia had been the surprise of a life time and came out of her own personal nightmare. How could her personal hell, turn into her dream life? She didn’t understand, but she didn’t want to ask questions for fear she might wake up one day and it never happened. What would she do without Olivia waking her up first thing in the morning by crying or whacking her in the face if she was in bed with them? What would she do without the moments of rocking her little girl and feeding her while their eyes met? Feeding Olivia just happened to be one of her favorite things and for a night, she wouldn’t be doing that. Other people had fed Olivia before. She pumped enough milk that they were able to take bottles if someone was going to watch her or if she was going to drink like she had the other night at her hen party. Still, one day Olivia wouldn’t need to eat from her and it made her a bit sad. They had decided to wait to take a honeymoon until after Olivia was done breastfeeding and that was something she actually dreaded. That meant Olivia would be a bit older and now she understood what her mother and Matthew’s mom meant that they grow too fast. This morning, before Matthew went out to celebrate his last days as an unmarried man, he had been making faces at Olivia and she let out a small noise that resembled light giggle. It had made them both try to get her to make the noise again. She didn’t. She was also starting to look at someone when they said her name and had mastered the art of fake crying. She hated knowing Mary and Matthew were nearby and not holding her. The other day Tom was holding her and the moment Mary walked into the room, Olivia began to cry and stopped as soon as Mary grabbed her. Or there was the time that Mary and Anna were talking, Olivia was in Anna’s arms and she heard Matthew’s voice as he walked by and she cried until Matthew got her. She was everything to them and Mary could have never imagined how hard and amazing at the same time, being a mother was. It was exhausting and a night away from their little one would be a much-needed break, but she was going to miss her. Really it was going to be approximately twelve to eighteen hours without her, but it still seemed like too long.   
Mary was sitting on the bench in front of her parent’s house, holding a sleeping Olivia close to her chest. They had gone on a stroll through the grounds, until Olivia had drifted off and now, she was holding her, allowing her to finish her early evening nap. Matthew’s party was during the day, but that last, she had heard he was having an amazing time at a town nearby. His texts had gotten a bit difficult to read and according to Tom’s last message, he was drunk but would soon be returning in one piece. She was nervous. She trusted Matthew, but she had never had him come home drunk and in her past experience, that was something met with fighting and aggression. Matthew wasn’t like that, but she was still nervous. She was contemplating heading home with Olivia first, but Anna had the idea that she should stay at the house and she could walk home with Matthew and Olivia later once she knew it was okay. Anna was amazing and had caught on to Mary’s nerve’s before she had admitted them. Anna assured her that she had nothing to worry about, but it would give her the peace of mind. If she wasn’t comfortable leaving, they could all go to bed in her room upstairs. So, she would wait, even though Tom said they would be home within the hour.   
“Is she still sleeping?” Anna asked, approaching the bench quietly, sitting down next to her.   
“She is.” Mary smiled, peeking under the floral blanket covering Olivia. “She’s always fond of walks on the estate.”  
“As it gets cooler, you’ll be stuck inside.” Anna laughed, wrapping her own sweater around her waist. “She’s going to have her first harvest and first Christmas.” Mary replied, slowing down as she realized she didn’t want the time to move any faster than it was. “I can hardly fathom planning her first birthday.”  
“She’s tiny, you’ve got time.” Anna giggled, as Olivia stretched underneath the blanket.   
“Good thing.” Mary exclaimed, as a car made its way onto the property and Mary could see it hit the driveway. “That must be Matthew and Tom.”  
“Tom has an early morning tomorrow so he let all of the other guys drink and offered to drive.” Anna replied, watching the car move slowly up the drive. “I know you’re nervous, but you don’t have to be. Matthew might be under the influence, but he won’t hurt you.”  
“I know.” Mary smiled weakly, looking over at him. “Matthew is…he deserves to have fun, but I have never seen him drunk.”  
“Really?” Anna looked over at her, frowning.   
“Well, I have seen him have a few too many, but Tom said he’s going to be ill in the morning.” Mary replied, rubbing Olivia’s back before pushing her body to stand. “Do you mind rolling the stroller?”  
“Got it.” Anna smiled warmly, moving to put her hands on the wooden handles of the pram. “She’s still in the newborn position of the pram?”  
“She doesn’t sit up a lot on her own.” Mary explained, as they began to walk up the driveway. “We usually have to prop her up with blankets, so when she can sit up more on her own, we’ll change the position.”  
“Livy, you’re such a little doll.” Anna giggled, as they walked towards the house.   
“She’s still fitting in clothing for a baby who is no older than three months.” Mary giggled, pressing a soft kiss against Olivia’s head. “I had to reorder her dress to wear when we got married, because she was swimming in the first one.”  
“And Mrs. Hughes wanted me to let you know that she is going to have your dress and Olivia’s pressed and ready to go for the reception.” Anna replied as they got closer to the car where Tom and Matthew had stepped out of. “And she already has your dress and Olivia’s outfit ready for when you go to the courthouse. She also went through some of the family jewels with the Dowager. Your grandmother has a few ideas of what she wants you to wear that day.”  
“Oh Granny.” Mary rolled her eyes as Matthew began to wave.   
“Mary! Anna!” Matthew called out and Mary stopped in her tracks to assess him for a moment, seeing the bright smile on his face and her tension eased up. Tom had said that Matthew was definitely drunk, but she hadn’t known what to expect when she saw him. She couldn’t help but smile at the look on his face, the way he ran over to her and wrapped his arm around her, his hand moving to Olivia’s back. “My girls! Oh, my favorite girls.”  
“Hi.” She giggled as he stumbled a bit, before slamming his lips into hers and she couldn’t tell which form of alcohol he tasted the most like.   
“God, you’re beautiful.” Matthew replied, taking Olivia from her as Mary hesitated to let her go. “I’ve got her.”  
“Oh…okay.” Mary breathed, looking at Anna nervously. “I um…why don’t we get you upstairs?”  
“No, let’s walk home.” Matthew replied as Tom walked towards them.   
“I cut him off when he decided he wanted to talk about some very interesting things at the bar.” Tom breathed, patting Matthew on the back. “Are you sure you don’t, want to stay here?”  
“Mary, can you help me get ready for bed?” Matthew asked, looking at her then back to their friends.   
“Yes.” Mary sighed, looking at Anna.   
“Matthew, why doesn’t Mary take you upstairs and I will take Olivia?” Anna asked, stepping forward as she extended her arms. “I haven’t gotten neatly enough baby cuddles today. Come on Lady Olivia.”   
“Perfect.” Matthew kissed the little one’s head, before giving her to Anna. “Be good for Anna, so Mommy can be bad for me.”  
“Matthew!” Mary gasped, her hand moving over her face. “Oh my god.”  
“I will roll the stroller around back.” Tom chuckled, stepping in front of Anna to get the pram. “Thomas has a designated spot for it and I want to be out of sounds length.”  
“Thank you, Tom.” Mary smiled weakly, with her cheeks red as Tom pushed the stroller away. Matthew began to walk into the house while Mary and Anna exchanged looks. He seemed to be in a great mood, not that she was sure what to think about him making a sexual reference about her in front of their friends. In her mind, maybe things could have been a lot worse. He wasn’t berating her and he hadn’t come and in and grabbed her to get her away from anyone. “Anna…”  
“He’s happy.” Anna assured her, as she looked into the doorway of the house where Matthew stood and she stroked the back of Olivia’s head. “Call us if you need anything. Anything at all.”  
“Thank you.” Mary nodded nervously, leaning forward and kissing her baby’s head.   
“Mary!” Matthew called for her, almost dramatically waiving his arms. He was definitely wobbly, slurring his words a bit as she took a deep breath and she began to walk towards the house, Anna following.   
“Let’s go upstairs.” Mary suggested as she approached him and he moved out of the doorway, holding the door open for she and Anna to walk inside. One they were in; Matthew pushed the door shut and Mary caught it so it wouldn’t slam and wake Olivia up. There were times where she swore motherhood gave her ninja like skills, allowing her catch things before a loud noise could awake her sleeping angel. “Anna, I will be back to get her once Matthew is settled, but please come get me if she needs anything.”  
“She’ll be fine and we have that bottle you pumped today.” Anna assured her as Mary gave Olivia another kiss. “Go take care of your future husband.”  
“Yeah come take…”  
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Mary said quickly, before mouthing ‘sorry’ to Anna. She quickly turned around to follow Matthew, reaching for his hand as she looked back to find Anna heading towards the library with her little baby and it was just them, at the bottom of the stairs in the big house. “Matthew…”  
“I have had a lot to drink.” Matthew laughed, his hand reaching for the impressive banister. She walked up next to him, her hand moving to this back. “But I want to be alone with you. I’m drunk, but capable.”  
“I believe you.” Mary sighed, as they began to ascend the steps. As they walked, Matthew kept trying to stop, sliding his hand around her waist. She continued to push his hand away, until they made it to the top of the steps. As soon as they made their way to the top of the steps, Matthew pushed her lightly into the wall and it startled her, but it didn’t hurt. “Oh my…”  
“I love you.” Matthew said, his eyes going from whimsically goofy, to dark and filled with lust.   
“I love you too.” She whispered, still a bit hesitant, the back of her head pressing into the cream wall as he moved his hand above her head. He took a deep breath, his hand moving to her side. “We need to get you into bed.”  
“Why?” He asked, his strong hands pressing against her abdomen, sliding up to her breasts. “I can do what I plan to right here.”  
“Matthew…” She pushed her hand a little bit, unsure of why her cheeks were beginning to feel warm. She reached for his hand, before pulling it along with her, as she began to walk to her bedroom. The same bedroom she had grown up in. Before her hand hit the doorknob, she could feel his breath on her neck and she was unsure of what he was doing. As soon as she opened the door, she felt him push her in the room, slamming the door behind him and he pushed her into the well with urgency, but it still didn’t hurt.   
“You were all I could think about.” Matthew replied, slurring a bit as he reached for the light cardigan she was wearing over her dress, pushing it off her sleeves as she tensed up. Only, he smiled, pressing his lips into hers and his kisses were soft. There was something about the way the heat of his body felt against her, the smell of the alcohol mixing with the heat of his body. She found her hand moving to his chest and she wondered for a moment, why she was giving into this. “My thoughts all night…dirty.”  
“Yeah?” Mary breathed, her voice shaking a bit as he pressed her shoulders into the wall. His breath was heavy against her as he moved his lips to her neck. “I…what were you thinking?”  
“I want to fuck you.” He admitted, his hands moving to the straps of her dress, pushing the gray fabric to the floor.   
“Matthew!” She gasped, her instinct was to yell at him for being so vulgar, but instead, her hands moved to the waist of his pants, fumbling with the buttons. It was an odd sensation, but her body was feeling hotter as he lifted her up, before tossing her onto the bed in front of them.   
“I’m not sorry.” He groaned, pushing his pants down and kicking them to the side. Mary’s heart was pounding as he lowered his body aggressively over her, his hand sliding down her side. “I want you bad.”  
“I’ve never seen you like this.” She admitted, her shaking hands moving to his hair.   
“I feel like a caveman.” He chuckled, sliding his hand between her center, shaking his head. “God, you feel good.”  
“You’re acting like one.” Her voice was soft as his teeth lightly grazed her breast, her nipple hardening against him. Her grip tightened on his hair as he bit down lightly and Mary felt her body shiver beneath his tense body moved against her and within seconds, his bulging length filled her. She couldn’t put into the words the feeling that came over her, but she felt a bit of adrenaline as he throbbed inside of her. She felt her flushed body heat itself, as their bodies moved together, grinding faster and faster. It wasn’t slow and tender; it was fast and thrilling. “Oooh…”  
“Mary…” He groaned, his hand moving to her ass and he squeezed her. “Damn it…”  
“Matthew…” She moaned, her nails digging into his strong shoulders, her body pulsating around him.   
“Oh God…” He groaned as their anticipation built. Their pace picked up as he pushed himself further into her, and she felt an intoxicating feeling come over her as she was pretty sure she let out a scream. “Shh…”  
“Oh my god.” She breathed, as he spilled himself into her and her orgasm was radiating through her body. Matthew collapsed into her, his hand moving to her hair was he let out a loud groan. “Oh my…”  
“Wow…” Matthew pressed a kiss against her head, before sliding his length out of her.   
“Wow is right.” Mary said breathlessly, almost feeling a bit faint. “I…oh my god.”  
“Wow.” Matthew repeated himself and Mary felt her legs shaking, her hands moving to feel a moistness on her face. “You’re sweating.”  
“No, I’m not.” Mary insisted, even though she was. It wasn’t very lady like. “I…you’re drunk.”  
“Yeah, but what just happened…that’s sobering.” Matthew replied, moving on his side, his hand moving to push hair from her face. “Are you okay? You’re shaking?”  
“That was…. I think my adrenaline or something just took over.” Mary breathed, her eyes closing as he kissed her. “I…we’ve never…. not like that.”  
“I can’t wait to make you my wife.” Matthew smiled; the alcohol still strong on his breath. “I wanted you all day. I want you most days, but I was drinking and all I could think about was how even after a day of partying, I get to come back to you. I’m the luckiest man on this planet.”  
“Then I believe that makes me the luckiest woman on the planet.” Mary replied, curling into him. In the back of her mind, she wanted to go get Olivia. Except she was certain she was in heaven right now, but in no condition to have a baby in her bed at the moment. The intimacy she had just experienced, warranted her a moment alone with Matthew in the very chaos of their lives. “And the sleepiest.”   
“I will text Anna that we are taking a nap.” Matthew chuckled, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “And I’ll lock the door so that we know if someone needs us.”  
“A locked door is definitely a good idea.” Mary breathed, her eyes becoming heavy. She had been nervous when she realized Matthew was drunk. Anytime she thought of him drinking, she got a small feeling of nerves that threatened to make her nervous. Except, she wasn’t scared at all anymore. In fact, it had been a full moment of pure bliss and overpowering lust. It had been heavenly and a different side of their relationship. It was like someone could drink a bit much and still be a kind and loving person. Matthew had gotten drunk, and still managed to treat her well. To treat her in a loving and passionate way. He hadn’t pushed, yelled, burnt or punched at her. He didn’t show aggression. He had been a bit silly and then turned into a man filled with passion who just wanted to ravish her body. Even now as he came back from locking the bedroom door and texting Anna, his hands were on her body, holding her as close as he possibly could as she began to doze off. Her body was tired, so was his. He wasn’t mad, he wasn’t cold after sex and he wasn’t treating her as if she didn’t matter. He was treating her as if she was the only thing in this world that mattered. Except she knew she wasn’t the only thing that mattered, because he just kept repeating how much he loved her and Olivia in her ear as she relaxed into his body and Mary knew, that love came in so many different forms. Even in drunk and silly moments, the passion they had for each other was very real.


	77. Chapter 77

Today had been one of the best days of Mary’s life and it wasn’t even over yet. She had exchanged vows with Matthew at City Hall with the closest people there with them. She didn’t think she would cry with it being such a small ceremony, but she couldn’t help it. When they joined hands and they were announced man and wife, she felt the happiest she had ever been in her life. There was nothing that could take away from the amazing feeling that filled her heart. He had held her hand the entire time that he drove them back to the big house, and now even in his suit, he was leaning against her as she nursed Olivia. The staff was prepping the room for the reception, everyone else was changing into their evening attire and Mary would soon after they got Olivia down for her last big nap of the day. Anna and Cora had both offered to do it for her, but she was going to be without her baby for the night and she just wanted some time with her, before the chaos of the party got going. Mrs. Hughes had already taken the bottles that she had pumped downstairs to store, but she just wanted to feed Olivia herself. As much as she was thrilled to celebrate her vows with Matthew, she was going to miss her little girl tonight. She had already lectured Cora on everything that Olivia needed, not that she needed to tell her mother anything. She knew what to do and had watched Olivia for short periods of time before. Still, she was nervous for the night without her little one waking her up.   
Mary smiled as she looked down at Olivia, her big eyes looking up at her. The little one slept during the entire ceremony, even as Matthew held her during the vows. It had been important to him that Olivia be a part of the ceremony, making everything official. Olivia was all but officially his. The last of the adoption process was much easier, now that they would be married. Carlisle had relinquished his paternal rights immediately, but legally Matthew had steps to take. The lawyer brought the last of the paper work to the wedding, making the last steps to make Olivia legally his. Once it was stamped in a few weeks, the law would determine Olivia to be his. It had probably been the most memorable part of the day, because it meant that everything they were working hard for, was finally resulting in making them a real family. Not that they hadn’t been already. Olivia knew Matthew was her father. She was a major Daddy’s girl in Mary’s mind. While she loved her Mom, she lit up when Matthew came home from work. It was as if she felt he was missing out on something all day and it was her job to make up for lost time. Now, the only thing separating them would be DNA and that didn’t matter. It truly didn’t. Olivia knew who her mother and father were. One day Mary would tell her about Richard Carlisle, but she would start by telling her how amazing Matthew was. How he loved her before he even knew her. Matthew had loved Mary and her baggage, making his mind up before he knew that Olivia was even brewing. When they found out Mary was pregnant, Matthew had fallen in love. Immediately. Knowing that this child didn’t share his blood. He had been excited for her to come, prepping everything perfectly and even tearing up when she made her entry into the world. It was important that Olivia knew that. She deserved to know that her father was Matthew Crawley and that he loved her more than anything in this world.   
“You look trapped in your thoughts.” She heard Matthew say, as he pressed a kiss to her arm. “Care to share?”  
“I’m just happy…” Mary said softly, her body resting against the pillow of her bed. “It feels as if things are as they should be.”  
“Us together is how everything should be.” Matthew breathed, kissing her arm again. “With Olivia.”  
“Our teeny little lady.” Mary breathed, stroking her head. “I’m afraid she’s always going to be the smallest in her classes and of other children her age.”  
“That’s okay.” Matthew chuckled, squeezing Olivia’s little foot. “She’ll be our little one, always.”  
“Olivia, what are you going to do if you have brothers and they grow bigger than you?” Mary giggled, as she pulled Olivia from her breast, moving her to her shoulder as Matthew placed a yellow cloth on her. “The doctor says you’re a petite little girl.”  
“Our petite little girl.” Matthew smiled, their eyes meeting. Mary leaned forward, kissing his eyes lightly as the door to the bedroom opened slightly.   
“Mary?” Anna’s voice filled the room. “Your mother and I are here to get you ready.”  
“Come in.” Mary shouted as Matthew sat up straight. “I just fed the baby.”  
“Mr. Crawley, you’ll have to go now.” Anna smiled, walking in and hanging a garment bag on a hook that had been set up by Thomas earlier. “You can see this dress when you guys do pictures later.”  
“Alright.” Matthew leaned over, kissing Mary on the lips, before pressing a kiss to Olivia’s head. “I will go freshen up and wait for my ladies.”  
“Even Olivia has a special dress.” Cora replied, holding up a much tinier garment bag. “Which I will get her into at the last minute so we don’t worry about any accidents.”  
“She’s prone to those.” Matthew chuckled, walking over to kiss Cora on the cheek before heading to the solid wood door. “You ladies have fun, take care of my bride.”  
“Okay.” Mary smiled, as the door closed behind him and she pressed a kiss to Olivia. “Thank you both, for all of your help. Everyone has been amazing.”  
“I have to give most of the credit to Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson.” Anna replied, plugging in the curling iron. “They have worked so much to make sure this looks perfect.”  
“The flower arrangements are stunning.” Cora added, taking Olivia into her arms. “I think they’re going to be just as you imagined.”  
“I can’t wait to see it all put together.” Mary beamed, making a ‘yay’ face to Olivia as the little realized her mother wasn’t holding her anymore. “She may get a bit sleepy.”  
“That’s okay.” Cora kissed the top of Olivia’s head as Mary stood up from the bed, tightening the robe that she was wearing. She knew she would have to feed Olivia, so she came back and changed out of the ivory knee length dress she wore to the court house. “Her Grandmother will cuddle her to sleep while I watch you get ready.”  
“Mary…chair. It’s time to get your hair done.” Anna gestured, laughing as Mary struggled to leave Olivia’s side. “What are you doing to do when you’re away from her for a night?”  
“Oh, she’ll think of something.” Cora replied smugly. “Although I am sure she’ll miss her.”  
“I will.” Mary admitted, sitting on the old Edwardian stool in front of the vanity, one of the pieces that had stayed in the house for a century at least. “I tried to see if I could take her home, but Matthew says not tonight.”  
“It’s your wedding night.” Anna laughed, reaching for a brush. “You don’t want a baby with you on your wedding night.”  
“I know…” Mary admitted, remembering her intimate time with Matthew in this very room from the night before last. “It will be good for us.”  
“It will.” Anna stopped, looking around, checking under a few items. “I forgot your hair clip downstairs. I’ll be right back.”  
“Alright.” Mary leaned into mirror, looking at her skin. She had worked hard to take care of her skin since her youth and she always took great pride in it. She looked at her reflection and saw her mother rocking on the bed with Olivia and she couldn’t help but smile. “I apologize in advance for the sleep that you’ll lose tonight.”  
“I can’t wait.” Cora admitted, kissing the little girl. “I could look at her for hours.”  
“I think I packed up most of her nursery for you.” Mary stated and it wasn’t quite a lie. Matthew told her she packed way too much. “Including several changes of clothes.”  
“I’m not sure why.” Cora laughed. “We practically have everything she could need here.”  
“That is true.” Mary laughed, thinking of the bedroom down the hall that had been finished for Olivia when she was a bit bigger to sleep alone. It was filled with clothes, toys and many other things she would need one a night there.   
“Still, you don’t need to worry.” Cora replied, placing Olivia on the bed in front of her. “When Mr. Carson isn’t stealing her from me tonight, she’ll be locked into my side.”  
“He does love her.” Mary began, reaching for her hand lotion. “She’s quite lucky to have him.”  
“You’re happier.” Cora articulated, the tone of her voice staying even as Mary felt her mother’s eyes on her. She put the lotion bottle back on the vanity and turned to her mother. “I remember this day, a while back when you were going to marry Richard. You were sick the whole morning and as much as you denied it, I know you cried several times. You were miserable.”  
“I was.” Mary admitted, looking at the amazing baby on the bed.   
“I should have talked you out of it.” Cora replied, shifting on the bed, but keeping a hand on Olivia who was sucking on a pacifier and just looking around. “If there was a way to still have Olivia…”  
“We can’t change things.” Mary interrupted, standing up. “I know that now.”  
“I know.” Cora replied, taking her hand. “But I wish you would have had the benefit of only getting married once to the man you love the most, but I can’t imagine you and Matthew without this little girl. She’s everything to you two.”  
“We’re so in love with her, Mama.” Mary felt her throat get right as her mother squeezed her hand. “Today when he was signing those papers, I couldn’t stop wanting to cry. I just…I know you wish I had never married Richard and I do too. It’s just that Olivia is so much apart of me, I know now something would be missing. Matthew and both know. She was like this missing puzzle piece to the both of us.”  
“A small, but integral piece.” Cora added, her eyes watering. “It was time you be truly happy and while I wish you hadn’t spent so much time in pain, I am so glad you have a life you love. I’m thrilled that when you exchanged promises with Matthew, that I knew the words coming from your mouth were full of truth and not obligation.”  
“Matthew never makes me feel obligated.” Mary said softly. “About anything.”  
“That is the way it should be.” Cora advised, as Olivia let out a light cry. She looked down at the baby, smiling warmly before scooping her up. “We still have an hour before you’re ready and first they’re doing pictures. I am going to put Olivia down for a nap and Mrs. Hughes said she will tend to her while we get started downstairs then she and Olivia will join us when she’s awake. She won’t be alone for a moment.”  
“Perfect.” Mary smiled as her mother gave her Olivia for a moment. Mary placed a soft kiss on the baby’s nose, pressing her head against the little one for a moment. “Sleep well, angel. Be easy on your Grandmother.”  
“I can’t imagine her being anything but.” Cora laughed, taking the baby into her arms again.   
“You have to hold her close to get her to fall asleep.” Mary explained as Cora walked to the bedroom door. “And if you give her the pacifier to fall asleep, use the green one not the blue one. She hates the blue one when she’s trying to sleep. Oh, and make sure she’s on her back not…”  
“I know. She’ll be perfectly fine.” Cora smiled, holding up Olivia’s small hand and waiving at Mary. “Anna will be up in a moment.”  
“Alright.” Mary took a deep breath, looking back at the mirror. For the first time in ages, Mary felt a bit like the woman she was before she had married Carlisle. Only she felt like a better version of that woman, a happier and more aware version of that woman. When she woke up this morning, she had felt excited. The day she married Carlisle; she ran to the bathroom to get sick. She had felt crushed and overpowered by dread. Today, she had married the man that she was always meant to be with and he had promised to love her no matter what. She wouldn’t stop loving him, no matter what. No matter the trials and good times, or the bad times. She was going to love him. He wasn’t the man she had married before. That man was a greedy, hateful and sad man. Matthew was the better man, the only man for her. She would let loose tonight and try her best to not focus on Olivia for just the evening. Those who loved them the most wanted them to focus on being a new husband and wife set, and truthfully Mary wanted to celebrate with him by her side. It was a night of marriage and unity and she couldn’t wait.


	78. Chapter 78

Matthew couldn’t stop watching his wife. Wife. His wife. He wasn’t one to feel like a woman was a possession, but he couldn’t stop referring to her as his. He didn’t think it was possible, but he was pretty sure he fell in love with her even more just now. He watched as she socialized with Edith, his mother, and Daisy from the kitchen. He knew people around town loved her, but had this idea that Lady Mary was very uppity and focused on things. Except they didn’t know the real her. The woman who had insisted that every member of her family’s staff had an invite to the wedding, also began researching organizations to align herself with the night before they got married. She knew she wanted to start an internet boutique, but only if she could find a product to sell where some of the proceeds would go to help women escaping domestic violence. Whether it was a shirt, a bag or something else, she wanted to help somehow. Now, she was laughing and giggling as she talked to the women around her and he was madly in love. He watched as she sipped on her champagne, making eye contact from across the room. Their reception still had an hour and a half to go, but he wanted to take her home now. Not just to make love to her, but to just be alone with her and honor her as his wife. She looked like she was walking in air, not a care on her mind other than to enjoy herself this evening. Although he had already spotted her with Olivia in her arms twice already tonight. She was glowing and he felt like he might be too.   
“You make her very happy.” Matthew looked over to find Robert holding Olivia in his hands, looking more laid back than usual. “And this one too.”  
“They make me the happiest man in the world.” Matthew smiled at his now father in-law, moving his hand to Olivia’s as she wrapped her tiny fingers around his. “Is she behaving?”  
“She always is.” Robert chuckled, looking down at his granddaughter. “I had to steal her from Bates.”  
“Who snatched her from Edith.” Matthew smiled, before taking a sip of his scotch. “I can’t blame them. She’s quite fun.”  
“She is.” Robert sounded full of glee and perhaps a bit tipsy. “I wonder if she knows how much joy she brings us all.”  
“She fills our home with joy.” Matthew replied, smiling at his daughter who looked wide eyed at the chandelier above them. “Mary and I often wonder what we would do if she wasn’t there.”  
“I remember when I found out that Mary was pregnant.” Robert began, letting out a deep breath. “I worried that our plan to help her leave the situation would fall through. That you might not want to stay, but you’ve proved yourself to be a noble man.”  
“I would have never been able to leave her again. I wanted her back, but I wanted her safe more.” Matthew let out a deep breath, trying to block out the image of when he first saw Mary in the hospital, battered and bruised. “Olivia’s existence made it more urgent, but from the moment I knew of her existence, I knew I loved more than just Mary. I knew that I had instantly fallen in love with this baby, because I loved her mother so much. It became about giving them the family that they were meant to have. It meant Olivia entering a world where she knew she was loved.”  
“And she definitely knows love.” Robert cheered proudly, holding Olivia up. “And she knows she’s spoiled. She knows when her parents are near her and when to demand their affection.”  
“If someone had told me a year ago, that Mary and I would have come this far….” Matthew started, stopping to take a sip of the whiskey in his small glass. “Well, I wanted to be here, but I wasn’t always sure we would be.”  
“Cora and I have opted to continue the lease on the Paris apartment.” Robert stated and Matthew remembered they had already extended it once. “I have been doing more work up there, Edith has been for her publication, so we want you to know when you want it, it’s yours.”  
“That would be great. Thank you.” Matthew grinned. “Mary and I have wanted to take Olivia and maybe even go on our own.”  
“I believe you two should at some point, get away alone.” Robert replied, kissing Olivia’s cheek. “Even if you do truly love be with this one.”  
“Well she does make everything great.” Matthew chuckled.   
“She certainly does.” Cora approached them, sitting her glass of champagne on a tray that a server was walking by carrying. She held her arms out, taking Olivia into her arms. “Oh, hello my darling.”  
“And now she’s been snatched away again.” Robert sighed, kissing his wife on the cheek.   
“Olivia’s more popular than Mary and I.” Matthew chuckled as Cora light swayed with Olivia, only breaking to place soft kisses on her forehead. “Thank you two, for everything. You didn’t have to throw such an amazing party.”  
“Oh, it was our pleasure.” Cora replied, looking up at Robert and then back to Matthew. “We’re just so happy that you two are finally able to be a family and everything is official.”  
“I don’t like to speak of that terrible man, but that was never what I wanted for her.” Robert admitted in a moment of pure honesty. “There was a time when I thought she was doomed to that life, but I know now she wasn’t. We comfortably got her out of the situation.”  
“She was doomed, because she’d be dead.” Cora replied, holding Olivia close to her. “I don’t even want to dare to think about it.”  
“Me neither.” Robert sighed, kissing Cora’s cheek and patting Olivia’s head. “It makes me sad that she suffered for so long.”  
“And we knew nothing.” Matthew side, knowing he would always carry a bit of guilt over it. That would be the impossible thing to get over, because they couldn’t go back. It was something they had battled with for a long time. There was no going back, only forward. “I’m just glad that she’s happy now and knows how much I love her an Olivia.”  
“One thing I can say for sure, is I have never in her life questioned your love for Olivia.” Robert recalled as he made eye contact with Carson and nodded. “Not that I questioned your love for Mary, but I understand that times got complicated. Cora, it looks like Carson wants us.”  
“Nobody says no to Carson.” Matthew grinned, looking across the room as Mary giggled, then looked over at him and her smile softened.   
“Isn’t that the truth?” Cora laughed, before putting Olivia in one arm, taking Roberts hand. “And it looks like Mary is looking for you.”  
“Really?” Matthew looked over at where Mary was standing, except now she was making her way through the group of people, only stopping for a moment to talk to a woman from town.   
“We’ll let you enjoy a moment with your wide.” Cora grinned as she and Robert walked away from him, leaving him to just watch his wife as she talked to the woman, pushing a strand of her hair from her face. She was glowing and quite possibly looked the happiest she had ever looked in her life. She kissed Olivia’s cheek quickly as her parents walked by on their way to see Carson and then she went back to talking to the woman. He couldn’t stop looking and a part of him felt like maybe he should go back to talking to people. Just as he considered going back to the bar to refill his scotch, before going to talk to Tom and Mary’s cousin Rose, but he then saw Mary walking up to him, her arm immediately wrapping around his neck. “Hello, beautiful wife.”  
“Mmm...hello my handsome husband.” Mary giggled, pressing her lips into his immediately, his hand moving to the small of her back. “Hi.”  
“Hello.” Matthew laughed, kissing her back. “You taste like champagne.”  
“It’s a good thing I pumped plenty for Olivia, because I think I have had more than my fair share.” Mary smiled against his lips, her head tilting up as she kissed him again. “When you get married, everyone wants to hand you a glass.”  
“My hand definitely hasn’t been empty tonight.” Matthew chuckled, moving his hand up and down her back. “Won’t be empty with you later either.”  
“Only an hour more and then we can reasonably make an escape.” Mary fixed his tie, before placing a hand on his chest. “I don’t think anyone expects us to stay after the party ends. We’re expected to rush out of here.”  
“And everyone knows what we’re going to go do.” Matthew hinted, looking around the room.   
“Matthew.” Mary groaned, looking around as well, only to make sure nobody heard him. “Honestly.”  
“Well, it’s true.” Matthew smirked, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “We don’t have the baby tonight.”  
“Do we have to leave her?” Mary frowned and Matthew knew she was still nervous to leave her baby for the night. “I want you to myself, but what if she…”  
“Crawls, starts selling real estate or perhaps potty trains herself?” Matthew quipped, pushing a curl behind her ear. “It is one night. You deserve this. I deserve this and tomorrow afternoon we can shower her in all of the kisses and cuddles that we can give.”  
“Promise?” Mary asked, looking around the room at the people dancing, talking and celebrating just the two of them and Olivia.   
“I do. I promise.” Matthew chuckled, kissing her again. “Let’s make our rounds again, so that when its time to go we can rush out of here.”  
“Let’s go get Olivia and take her around with us.” Mary smiled, reaching for his hand. “I’m afraid she’s been tossed around so much she may have some confusion as to who her real parents are.”  
“I doubt that.” Matthew laughed, but obliged and took her hand as they made their way across the room to find their little one. He was thrilled that he was going to have Mary to himself. They could be intimate, alone and have time to each other and then sleep. Just the two of them. No late-night feedings, no diaper changes or making faces at a little one who just wasn’t ready to sleep. When he thought about it, a night without Olivia seemed pointless, but he knew this was important. It was a huge night for them and they needed to get to know each other as husband and wife. It would be crucial to their marriage that they have time alone and starting their life together meant starting it right. Olivia would be fine with Cora and Robert. They loved their little girl so much and would take amazing care of her. They would miss her, but it was just for the night and it was the night to kick off the rest of their lives. As a man and his beautiful wife.


	79. Chapter 79

Warning: This does contain a flashback that has some difficult parts to read. 

 

As Mary sat in the bedroom of their large London home, she was reminded that there were a lot of things to get done before making her way to Downton forever. Including telling Richard that she wanted to make a trip there, with or without him. Preferably without. He wasn’t going to be happy when she asked. He hated when she even spoke of her parent’s home and often shut down any idea that she might go back. He said it lacked the charm of the city, but she knew it really was just that there was one too many people there. She wasn’t going to Downton for that person. Her mother had told her about the Harvest events that would come at the end of the summer and she wanted to go. She deserved to go and it was time to see her family on their time, on their property. As she sat in the chair in the corner of her bedroom browsing her phone, she heard Carlisle come down the hall and moments later he was walking into their room and straight over to her purse that was sitting in the wardrobe. “What are you doing?”  
“I’m looking for your wallet.” Carlisle replied, slurring his words a bit. “Where is it?”  
“In my purse.” Mary frowned, sitting her phone on the table next to her. “Why do you need it?”  
“I want you to stay home this week.” Richard demanded, finding her wallet and opening it, removing the last of her cash and taking her most used card, the rest of them being store cards. “Don’t go shopping or around town.”  
“Why?” Mary asked, rolling her eyes as Carlisle noticed. She regretted so immediately, because he grew annoyed.   
“Mary, do I need to provide an explanation every time I tell you to do something?” Richard groaned, tossing the remaining contents of her purse onto the floor. “I pay for all of this stuff. I have the money. Not you.”  
“Did you really need to toss my things onto the ground to make your point?” Mary sighed, leaning back into the chair and reaching for her glass of white wine. “I mean, you’ve made your point.”  
“Mary, don’t take a tone with me.” Richard demanded, walking over to her. He moved his hand to her face, leaning in front of her and placing a soft kiss against her lips. “I’ve just forgiven you for your last attitude. I would hate for something to happen again.”  
“Me too.” Mary looked down at her hands, wondering when she had become afraid. She had thought about leaving, about getting a bag while he was at work and buying a train ticket to anywhere but here. America. He may not have found her there. He would find her if she went home to her family and she never wanted them to know what was really happening. She felt like he sensed these things. Whenever he would take her access to money away, she felt like he knew her thoughts. Sometimes she forced herself not to think about leaving, just in case he had some way of knowing. She couldn’t tell anyone other. It wouldn’t be worth troubling them and deep down she felt humiliated.   
“I hope you know the last time you got an attitude, you humiliated me.” Carlisle tried to remind her of the time she pulled away from one of his cheek kisses as he squeezed her wrist during a wedding of one of his colleagues. “You behave rather stupid, far too often.”  
“Right…. I won’t do it again.” She breathed; her eyes focused on the flowers in the park across the street. She wondered if she had a baby one day, would she stroll with him or her to get away from Richard. Would he change if there was a child? Likely, no.   
“Mary.” Carlisle said her name, as he began to untuck his white shirt. She looked up at him, taking a deep breath as she realized what he wanted. “Mary…”  
“I hear you.” She cleared her throat quietly, looking out from the upper level window. “I um…I’m not really in the mood.”  
“Mary.” Carlisle sighed, shaking his head. Mary took a deep breath, confident that she had told him she wasn’t interested, but seconds later she was pulled to her feet from him grasping her hand. “Mary, you are my wife. You sit at home in my house, spend my money and eat my food. You wear the expensive ring I bought you, so as far as I am concerned you are in the mood.”  
“Richard…” She tried to pull her hand away but instead he tugged her arm, thrusting her onto the bed and she sat up quickly. “Stop it. You’re hurting me.”  
“Then don’t take advantage of me.” Carlisle demanded, pushing her back. “I love you. I just want the respect I give you in return.”  
“Fine.” Mary cried, as he tugged on her dress and she squeezed her eyes tightly closed. She didn’t want him. She didn’t want to be with him and as he slammed his lips into hers, she tasted whiskey. A lot of it. Every bit of him smelled like whiskey and a cigar. “You’re still hurting me.”  
“You’re fine.” He replied, digging his fingers into her side and she was pretty sure she was going to bruise. As usual. She closed her eyes, praying for it to end and she knew if she didn’t start participating, he would just get angrier, but she didn’t want it. She didn’t want drunk sex, because he was always in a rage. It hurt and she always felt humiliated after. It felt so demeaning and she was in pain every time. It wasn’t a relationship. It wasn’t intimacy. It was a trap hidden in her life.   
DADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADADA DADADADADADA DADADADADADADADADADADADA  
When Mary opened her eyes, she immediately saw Matthew sleeping across from her. It was quite the average sight, except usually at some point Olivia had made her way into their bed after a late-night feeding. Mary would get tired and slide her in bed with them when she wanted to be closer to her little one. It wasn’t a topic that she and Matthew saw eye to eye on. Mary liked the convenience and felt like it helped her feel better to have Olivia closer. Matthew was concerned over the dangers. However, they always slept cautiously and had become light sleepers since her arrival. The bed was empty without her. The house seemed extra quiet and gray just by her not being there. Not that Mary’s night hadn’t been amazing. They had come home, made love several times and then sat in bed naked, eating more dessert. It was perfect. Matthew Reginald Crawley was her husband and she was his wife. Together forever with all of the other cheesy and silly sentiments. Now, she was watching him sleep which she rarely got the chance to do. She loved the way his arms flexed naturally underneath the blankets, the way his strong chest would rise and fall with each tired breath. She extended her hand, letting her long fingers move a piece of his hair from his forehead and she couldn’t help but smile at the way he swatted at his nose. He was so beautiful in her mind.   
Then there was this wave of sadness, a moment of ‘what if’s’ that threatened to shake her thoughts. She had come home, before knowing about Olivia and before she was pulled from her previous life that he had hinted he had made a mistake. He had expressed that he missed her and wanted her back and she had said no. She had a duty to her husband. The man she had married. When she had been in the hospital or when she had gone to Paris with him, she fought him so hard on the idea of being together. How could he truly want a woman with so much baggage? Except he did and he showed her just how amazing their life was going to be. Their life was great and that baggage? That baggage was the smallest, most beautiful little piece of pure happiness and she couldn’t imagine her life without Olivia Katherine. Which again, made her miss her terribly. Was she awake? Did she even close her eyes once for her grandmother? Mary found her eyes tearing up as she thought about it. It wasn’t the first time she had cried. She had cried when she went upstairs with her mother to put Olivia to bed. She had cried when they got into the car after saying goodbye and then again when she went into the nursery for a moment just to ‘make sure the sound machine was off’ which really was an excuse to be around her things. Olivia didn’t sleep in there and the only time she was in there with the sound machine was when she was putting Olivia’s clothes away and she would put her into the crib. Now, she was definitely crying as she thought about the tiny little dresses hanging in the closet and how Olivia was going to spend her morning with someone else, not her. It was ridiculous. She needed to check on her. Mary turned onto her back and took a deep breath, wiping at her eyes. Who was she? She needed to snap out of it, but she would try to do so once she checked on her baby. Mary sat up, her hair still styled from the night before, but disheveled. She and Matthew had certainly messed it up the night before and once or twice throughout the night.   
“Hey…” She heard Matthew say, feeling his hand on her bare back. “Where are you going?”  
“Nowhere.” Mary whispered, reaching for her phone off of the nightstand.   
“She’s in good hands.” Matthew wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her back to him. Mary held onto her phone as he tugged her back against the pillows. “And we will check on her in a bit, but for now…”  
“Matthew.” Mary groaned, trying to unlock her phone. “Don’t you miss her? Don’t you wonder what she’s doing.”  
“I miss her terribly.” Matthew insisted, pressing his lips against the side of her head. “I woke up twice and debated driving down the road to go get her, but I also know you and I need this time together.”  
“You just want me naked and too yourself.” Mary breathed, turning to wrap her arms around him. “To fulfil my wifely duties.”  
“I don’t like when you say you have duties to me.” Matthew sighed, pressing a kiss to her nose and Mary let out a deep sigh. “It’s our duty to each other to make our marriage work, but you don’t have the duties that you think you do by being a wife. Your experience before…there was a lot wrong there.”  
“There was” Mary bit her lip, remembering the other night when he came home drunk and they had rough sex with him behaving like a cave man. She had enjoyed it, but she hadn’t been ready for it. She had spent most of her day in fear. He was going to be drinking, because that is men did at their parties before marriage. Even when she had first seen him, she didn’t want to have sex. She was scared that the smell would throw her into her past, reminding her of the moments of aggression.   
“When you’re unhappy or something bothers you, you have to tell me.” Matthew breathed, kissing her cheek. “I want you to enjoy our marriage. To know how much, you mean to me and how much I respect you.”  
“Alright…” Mary breathed, pushing his hair from his face. “If I tell you something, do you promise to not be angry?”  
“I promise.” Matthew frowned, running his hand along her side. “Your honesty can’t make me angry if it makes things better for us.”  
“The other day, I was afraid.”   
“Afraid of what?” Matthew frowned, and Mary felt immediately guilty for her admission. She wasn’t sure how he would feel. “I was worried. I know I had no reason to be, but my experience with men returning from drinking has resulted in more trouble than pleasure.”  
“Oh.” Matthew shifted, but he didn’t look too concerned, only more loving. “And your past has shown you how wrong it can go.”  
“It has.” Mary nodded, taking his hand. “I wasn’t used to…It ended well. I didn’t initially want it, but when you started getting passionate, I felt it too, but leading up to that moment, I was scared. I just…I never knew aggressive drunk sex could be good.”  
“Well of course it…. wait.” Matthew stopped, shaking his head in concern. “Oh.”  
“I just wasn’t sure what to expect when you came home.” Mary breathed, feeling nauseas telling him.”  
“Mary…I am so sorry.” Matthew began, but she put her hand to his lips.   
“It was fine Matthew. You’ve shown me that I don’t have to worry.” She admitted, still feeling so safe with him. “You’ve shown me that not every man who gets drunk and comes home is going to hit me or force me to…”  
“He used to force you.” Mary could see the realization spreading across Matthew’s face and she didn’t want to upset him. “Mary, you can tell me no. When you don’t want to…You have a right.”  
“I know.” She grabbed his face, she knew that. Even if she was feeling a bigger wave of relief over her body. “I know. I knew when you came home and the way I felt with you. The way I felt when you…Matthew it was exhilarating. I don’t want you to be scared to be a cave man with me. I liked it.”  
“Okay…” He nodded, pressing a kiss to her chin. “But Mary, you’re allowed to say no. You don’t have to just go along with it.”  
“I was scared. To say no.” She admitted, feeling a bit ashamed about it now. “But when we started…something changed. I realized I wanted you and that it could be fun. That with someone that cares for you, you can have the most fun.”  
“We can have fun…as long as you know we can have boundaries and that you’re in control too.” Matthew explained, before letting out a light chuckle. “Well, sometimes when we’re having fun, we can take turns being in control.”  
“We can.” She giggled tiredly, lifting her head to kiss him. “Matthew Crawley, you’ve shown me how much more to life there is.”  
“So much more to it.” He smiled, kissing her hard, pushing her back against the pillows. Mary knew that he was taking charge in this moment and she showed him she wanted him to, her hands falling to her side. Mary felt something that she hadn’t felt before Matthew. Respected. He didn’t give her the right to say no. He made sure she knew, she always had it. That if she didn’t want to do something, all she had to say was no. No. I don’t want to. I’m not in the mood. No. She wasn’t going to be shoved against the bed in anger. The only shoving into the bed would be fun, romantic and fun. There was a line between being forced and having a good time. Matthew showed her that she could experience an element of force or aggression and she could want it. Alcohol didn’t always mean she was in for a night of pain, it could mean they would let loose. But most importantly, she knew that he loved her enough to try his best to assure her that she was in control of her mind and her own body. That the other day she had no reason to be scared, which she hadn’t felt once they had started to mess around. With Matthew it was different and for that she was thankful.


	80. Chapter 80

Olivia had been back home with her parents for approximately two hours and Matthew felt like things were just as they should be. It seemed even Olivia was happy to be home, because she was all smiles. She was probably smiling the most she had ever in one single day and Mary and Matthew couldn’t get enough of it. Mary was in the kitchen, running a kettle for tea while Matthew sat in the open living room, holding Olivia on his lap as he made little faces at her. He little toothless smiles made him chuckle, lifting her up to his face so that he could kiss her cheeks which had just the slightest bit of chunk to them. After making love to her mother this morning, they got up, went to get breakfast at a little café in town before making their way to get their little girl. But as he was sitting across from Mary who was eating toast and butter, he couldn’t help but smile as he realized his little girl at her grandmother’s had the same eyes as her mother. It was amazing. So now, talking to the baby in front of him and watching as his wife fumbled around the kitchen, he couldn’t think of anything that could possibly make this any better. Mary was officially his wife, the woman he would wake up to first thing in the morning and the last gentle face he would see before falling asleep. That was when she didn’t sneak Olivia into bed of course. Olivia was still nursing exclusively and Mary was constantly connected to her. He loved watching as the two shared that time together, because Mary’s eyes were full of this love that he could say was only reserved for Olivia. He loved watching his little girl’s together. Their connection was magical. It constantly surprised him how great of a mother she was. Before she had given birth, Mary had been nervous. He knew she would be fine, but as the month’s went on, he knew for sure. He saw how obsessed she was with the baby in her stomach that he had no issues reminding her that he was confident she would be the best mother and he was right. Olivia came first for the both of them and he wanted to soak up all of these moments with this little girl and Mary. Deep down, he had been nervous too. More nervous than he let Mary believe. She was carrying the child of another man. A child with no blood relation to him and sometimes it kept him staring at the ceiling. Except the moment he felt the first kick or held Mary as she cried, because her emotions were out of control, he quickly realized that the DNA, the blood and the situation didn’t matter. He felt those butterflies people talk about when they first fall in love, except these were small little butterflies that changed into a beautiful baby girl. She may as well have been his, because so many times she enjoyed being with her Daddy. She was a Mommy’s girl, but she loved her Daddy. Matthew took great pride in being the one that could get her to giggle, and she had Mary’s light dimples. “Come on Olivia….Da….Da.”  
“She’s not old enough to say words.” Mary rolled her eyes as she walked over into the living area, carrying a white tray that she had ordered online recently. “It’s all just baby babble.”  
“Well she can babble away until she says Dada.” Matthew lifted her forward again, kissing her cheeks. “Come on Squeak.”  
“Maybe if you called her something other than Squeaks.” Mary sighed, sitting next to Matthew on the couch. “Olivia…tell him you’re going to say Mama.”  
“Eh.” Olivia almost groaned, letting out a wide yawn, her hands moving to her face. “Ah…Eh…”  
“Oh Liv.” Mary giggled, as Olivia began to cry, stretching her body as if she knew food had arrived. “You just ate. Don’t worry, I brought a bottle. I know you just need to start one to go down for your nap.”  
“Maybe she’ll gain some more weight before her next appointment.” Matthew laughed, lowering Olivia into his arms as she began to kick her legs a bit, her face turning red as it did often before she ate. “Why a bottle and not the boob?”  
“I pumped this bottle and I don’t want it to go to waste.” Mary replied, patting him on the back. “And it gives me a break. Put yourself to work.”  
“Oh, I see.” Matthew chuckled, actually feeling a bit excited. He could count on one hand the number of times he fed Olivia a bottle, but lived for these little moments. Usually it was if Mary had gone to a Pilate’s class with Anna or out shopping with her mother. He had given her two the day Mary went to her Hen night. Still, he loved it. The way Olivia worked a bit harder to get the milk from the bottle or the way she held his finger in her little fist as she looked at him until she fell asleep. He couldn’t help but smile as Mary leaned back on the couch, resting her feet against his lap as Olivia began to eat. “My girls.”  
“Your girls.” Mary giggled, nudging his thigh a bit with her foot. “She’s officially yours. There is no going back now.”  
“t’s just paper, but I’m glad it’s legally official.” Matthew smiled warmly, as Olivia looked up. “I’m your Daddy, Olivia. We’re a team.”  
“Am I apart of this team?” Mary asked, pulling her hair down from the messy bun she had been wearing since this morning. “Do I have a role?”  
“We’ll need someone to keep us in line.” Matthew teased, looking up at her as she stretched her arms. Olivia stopped suckling for a moment, her eyes already slowly threatening to drift closed. They opened again, and she began to suckle, her father glancing at her mother. “God, you’re beautiful.”  
“You’re not so bad you’re self, husband.” Mary sat forward, quickly kissing his cheek. “You’re my husband.”  
“Wife.” He winked. “You, are my wife.”  
“Forever?” She asked, moving to rest her head on his shoulder, watching as Olivia began to drift asleep, her suckling slowing down, with a half a bottle left.   
“More than forever if I have my way about it.” Matthew kissed her again.   
“What exactly is more than forever?” Mary looked at him like he was crazy, as Matthew gave her the still mostly full bottle.   
“It’s how long we will be together.” Matthew answered, watching as she sat the bottle down on the table. “Eternity.”  
“More than forever sounds prefect.” Mary grinned, leaning into his side and wrapping his free arm around his. “Matthew?”  
“Yeah?” He asked, leaning back into the couch, kissing the top of her head.   
“Can we just stay in a bubble?” She asked, squeezing him lightly. “Not go anywhere…talk to anyone for a few days? Just be the three of us?”  
“I don’t know.” Matthew felt a chuckle escape his lips as he sighed dramatically. “Can I get you pregnant?”  
“No.” She laughed, swatting at his side. “Not yet. Not until Olivia is at least a year. Then we can talk…. or just start trying.”  
“Start trying at a year?” He asked, his heart jumping for a moment. “Define a year.”  
“When Olivia turns a year old…on her birthday we can start trying.” Mary sighed, kissing his arm. He looked down at her to try and read her. They had already talked about trying at a year, but she seemed to feel very confident that a year would be the right time to start discussing it. She looked so sure of herself. “Or…we’ll talk but I think after her first birthday is a good idea. A little less than two years is a good amount of time between siblings.”  
“I agree.” Matthew kissed the top of her head again as Olivia stretched. They both laughed quietly as Olivia stretched in her sleep. The little one put a smile on both of their faces. “She sleeps like you.”  
“She does?” Mary asked, looking up at him as he looked at his little one.   
“She sleeps very proper, no funny faces or mouth hanging open.” Matthew grinned, noticing Olivia’s little fingers still wrapped around his finger. “Like a little lady.”  
“She is a little lady.” Mary smiled, looking up at him and letting out a deep breath. “Matthew?”  
“Yes?” He asked, lifting his head.   
“Thank you for fighting for me.” Mary whispered, before lowering her eyes down to her baby. “For our baby…our life. You believed in us when I couldn’t. You saw a future when I saw the end. You fought for Olivia and I. You fought for us.”   
“I’d do it again.” He kissed her and she smiled lightly, resting her head on his shoulder. It was true. It had been hard, but when she had shown up at Downton Abbey, looking a lot like a woman he didn’t know, he knew it was time. Their time. She was hurting and in pain and he knew that he had to get her back. He had to bring her back to being herself, his Mary. The women he had dreamt about making love to. He had pushed at times and had to be reminded to slow down, but he was proud of the life they had made. Together. He may have helped free her from the chains of an abusive husband and nursed her back to health, but they had built their life together. Every late-night feeding, ever diaper change or breakdown from being tired, they got through it together. Sure, sometimes he slept through the feedings, but his heart was in the right place and he was grateful that she knew that. Life would still have its challenges, that was life. It wasn’t meant to always be a storybook ending or a path without obstacles. Life was meant to be a challenge, but the one thing he could promise was that they would get through it together. Every bit moment together, every milestone Olivia faced, they were going to conquer this life together as Mary and Matthew. As husband and wife. As his Mary and her Matthew. 

OKAY GUYS!!!!! Good news and Bad news. Bad news first, right? This fic, is over. Like Closed. Completed. The good news? Sure…here it is. I have always known how this story was going to end. I knew the last chapter, before I knew the first. The thing is, while “Say You Won’t Let Go” felt very over I knew I wasn’t done. Not with Olivia for sure. She’s special. I see my own little girl in her. And the ending? It wasn’t time. The ending I see, will come at the end of this fic. So soon, I will be putting up my story, “Just Give Me a Reason.” It will be a story that someone can start without having read this one, however I would highly suggest they do read this. So, tell your fandom friends, it will be up within the week!


	81. Last update

Hello,

 

Thank you for joining me on this story. If you would like to read the sequel, I will be posting it on Fanfiction.net. While I love this site, the layout of my story posts better on the other platform. I hope to see you there :)


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